“Emotional blindness” and the sociopath
PDF Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
Buttons:
Mike is in for an evolution of emotions…..stick it out, shuck your corn and carry on. your doing the best for Mike.
Only Mike can be the one to ‘see’ what you already know.
The seeds have been planted and will grow slowely.
This is a good time for Mike to speak to his therapist!
Stick with it darlen……it’s tough!
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Buttons says:
OxD, and EB – thank you so much for the excellent suggestions and support.
Of course, it’s about money. Mike isn’t a vet or entitled to any Veteran’s benefits. The death settlement for spath father was from the Postal Service. I know that it’s gone, in my heart. Mike refuses to discuss it – I have a feeling that he suspects but is too emotionally fragile, just yet, to dig deeper and start asking questions.
Spath brother, however, is STILL receiving gov’t benefits by using his false documentation via Stole Valor. Ugh.
Mike DID have a productive day after yesterday’s meltdown. He filled out a number of applications and began bilding a website for a home-based business. That’s a big step for him, to date, and I told him that he’d done a great job, today.
Boundaries – must have BOUNDARIES!!! LOLOL
God love you both! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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OxDrover says:
Well, maybe you need to talk to the VA about some stolen valor, it may not be against the law to tell a lie about it, but it sure is to get BENEFITS from it. I think as a good and honest citizen it is your duty to keep the taxpayers of this country from being ripped off—and that is no joke, I do believe that. If you are aware of fraud, you should report it.
You also do onot have to give your name.
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Buttons says:
OxD, that’s one of the things that has me so furious about what the spath son has done – THOSE FUNDS belong to the REAL combat Veterans who EARNED it, not some cowardly imposter! Those benefits are not his, and yet he’s reaping monetary rewards for his crimes! (grrrrr)
I’ve sent photocopies of every document and pictures of every piece of physical evidence that demonstrates the forgeries, including gov’t stamps, spath son’s handwritten “instructions” on how to make the forged documents appear more realistic, and “practice” signatures to sign documents. I even sent my last package to POW Network which passed it on to agency insiders – nothing. I’m talking about over 2 POUNDS of papers with the WRAMC diagnosis of Cluster B, documentation of the attempted murder of his then-pregnant-ex-wife, outrageous claims that never happened, etc. Nobody is interested. Not the VA, not the FBI, not any of the agencies I contacted – NOBODY. The only agency that had a slight interest was the Virginia Adult Social Services Dept. because Mike was receiving Survivors’ Benefits for a few months, and I didn’t even contact that agency! Another entity saw the evidence, was suspicious of abuse/violence by spath son, and filed a report with that agency. Of course, spath son made Mike believe that I had been the one to initiate the investigation, which he still believes to this day to be true.
And, if the physical evidence isn’t enough, there’s the “coincidental” evidence: Right after spath son was deemed ready to return to regular duty (after 2 years at WRAMC) to train and serve, he experienced a bizzare “accident” almost immediately before he was to be shipped off for training. Spath son claimed that he had been horseback riding and took a fall. The fall resulted in BOTH of his wrists being broken – broken well enough so that he claimed that he had sustained damage that wouldn’t allow him to “hold a weapon” properly. Kinda odd, eh? My personal belief is that he broke his own wrists, or had someone break them FOR him. Of course, I can’t “prove” any of this, but it sure seems convenient, particularly since spath son never demonstrated an interest in riding during his entire life even though he had ample opportunities to explore horsemanship.
The ex spath deliberately gained weight while in the Coast Guard so that he would be released under the Obesity Clause – the apple don’t fall far from the tree, does it?
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to decieve!”
Brightest blessings!
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Buttons says:
Mike has made the decision to go back to Virginia. After vascillating as to whether or not he would be staying, the games grew VERY tiresome, so I demanded that he make a decision, today.
By now, he should be on the bus back to Virginia, and I wish him well. I’m waiting for the waterworks to start. I’m very sad that he’s left, but he’s going to realize that there is NOBODY to help him when he gets back to VA. The friends that he had been staying with for the last 6 months before coming here will not – will NOT – be able to open their home and their hearts to him, again. There will be nobody else for him to turn to except his spath brother.
Oh, well……my mother always said, “A good deed never goes unpunished.” LOL!!! What a sad state of affairs it is when such a negative statement is true.
To Mike I say, “Good luck.”
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blueskies says:
Buttons. I hope you are okay.
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Wini says:
Buttons, it always amazes me how much effort they put into their deceptions. If they can put effort into doing wrong, why on earth don’t they all just do what is right to begin with… get it over and done with and call it a day?
I’m beginning to think the Spaths have more energy than the average bear Boo Boo.
SMILE.
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Buttons says:
Blueskies & Wini, thanks…..I’m sick over Mike’s decision, but it was his choice and he made it without considering anything. His friends back in VA were furious with him because they aren’t going to open their home to him, again. They did ENOUGH by seeing him through the last 6 months of high school so he would graduate, and the spath brother and spath-in-law aren’t going to tolerate him for long.
Strangely enough, Mike called me from the bus station and was saying that he was sorry that he hadn’t considered everything that we had done for him. He was saying that he felt that he’d made a mistake in his choice – I offered to go back and pick him up if he felt that he’d made a mistake, and he said, “It’s too late for that.” I said, “So, you’re on the road, then?” He said that he was still sitting in the bus station and that the bus had arrived late – they hadn’t left, yet. But, still, it was “too late” to alter his decision. So…….he’s going to have to live with his choices. He also said that, when he got squared away and on his feet, that he might come up for a visit. I replied, “I don’t anticipate that ever happening.”
I don’t know how or what to feel, right now. I know my heart is breaking, but it’s only because he threw away the opportunity to help himself with both hands. I miss him, very much – he is so humorous and companionable, but the games that he was playing had to stop, one way or the other.
Thank GOD a friend of mine had made plans to come visit from out-of-State for the weekend, or I don’t know if I would have managed this, so far. I’m weeping, even as I type, because ONCE AGAIN, I am grieving.
The spath ex dropped dead, but he still F*CKING LIVES ON. Why……..why can’t the spath ex just be dead and buried??? WHY does this sickness have to continue taking its toll? The damage just never seems to stop.
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erin1972 says:
Buttons-I am very very sorry that you are in pain. I hope you start to feel better soon. (((HUGS)))) Erin
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Buttons says:
Thanks, Erin – this, too, shall pass. I have to take the responsibility of this heartache on myself, given everything that I know about the ex spath, spath brother, and Mike’s upbringing.
I just really, really, REALLY detest the process of grieving over the living – if that makes any sense, I’ll be amazed.
{{{Hugs back atcha}}}
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Hopeforjoy says:
Buttons,
Dear, sweet, sweet soul. I am so sorry to hear about Mike making the choice to go back to VA. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are feeling but I care and will say a little prayer for you tonight.
I’m starting to believe that the spaths are possessed by an evil spirit and their spirit continues to wreak havok even when they’re dead and buried. They try and steal our empathy and our soul. Like a vampire.
I hope your days get easier and your pain ebbs. You did what you could and those boundaries were healthy, you were doing the right thing.
Hugs,
Hope4joy
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bluejay says:
Buttons,
I just read about your son, Mike, returning to Virginia. How disappointing for you. I can relate to your feelings, that this disorder keeps on affecting us, taking “a toll.” My whole family life is in disarray, still struggling with all the chit that comes down the pike due to the h-spath. I detest this disorder – it’s a thorn in our side. I can say a prayer for Mike, hoping that he will be steered to “greener pastures,” where despite the odds, he can end up with a productive, happy life. Hugs to you.
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erin1972 says:
One of the articles that I read about malignant narcissism compared them to life sucking, emotional vampires. I believe that is true. My ex has finally been explained for what he is and I have no more questions.
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hens says:
Buttons – I feel your dispair and grief, so sorry but give this time and you will adjust and heal. as for the spath’s yes they cast spells on us , it’s best to avoid them , sometime’s they can make eye contact with us for a split second and were hooked. Their are many ways to grieve for somebody and I think death is the kindest..I once took a Mike to the bus station, he called 8 hours later and went back and picked him up and brought him home like the lost boy he was..I would like to say I shouldnt of went back for him, but he was a lost soul, at least the last time he left he had somewhere to go….
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one_step_at_a_time says:
erin72 – do you have any good articles about n? or links? i want to give some to a friend and my list on my browser was wiped out when i had a virus a while ago.
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erin1972 says:
one_step–I don’t know them off the top of my head but I just did a bing search on malignant narcissism and read everything I found there. Can you do a search? If not, let me know and I’ll look them up and post them to you.
If anyone ever wants to know what my guy was like, all they have to do is read. I have no more questions about why he did what he did. The males usually have some kind of trauma in childhood and it’s usually related somehow to something involving their mothers and most of them actually hate women. They can’t deal at that age with the trauma so they develop a false self that they show to the world-it’s the same mask that socios wear. If you reveal or try to pull off that mask, they freak out and run/turn on you.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
will try bing – didn’t think to search for ‘malignant narcisism’. thanks.
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erin1972 says:
onestep-I will search and let you know which ones I read!
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erin1972 says:
One_step-I just made a huge post to you with a lot of info but it didn’t post. I don’t know why. I don’t have the energy to re do it but I will give you my favorite link.
http://samvak.tripod.com/
Sam Vaknin PhD wrote the book “Malignant Self Love-Narcissism Revisited”. I want to read this book SO bad. I am going to order it as soon as I get paid. Some of the links talk about the dangers of trying to break free from a malignant. They are dangerous. I can’t remember where I read it. It made me wonder if his wife was afraid, and that’s why she went back. It may have as much to do with that as it does with the $$$. It is danger to let them know that you pity them or they really flip out if you just act like they don’t exist. Ignoring them makes them flip out worse. That’s why I’m so relieved she took him back. The only way that I would ever have to worry about him again is if she left him. So I hope she stays with him forever-then I don’t have to deal with him.
Malignant Narcissism is a syndrome consisting of a combination of aspects of NPD, APD, and paranoid traits. There has to be a specific detailed and highly prepared plan for someone who tries to leave a malignant because they are so dangerous-like they could be killers.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thanks erin – do you know that sam viknin is probably writing from personal experience; that he is an n?
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erin1972 says:
onestep-do you think that’s true? Do you know about him?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ask oxy about him erin. i only know what i have read here.
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OxDrover says:
Dear ERin72,
Sam Vaknin is indeed I think a psychopath (he calls himself a Narcissist though) His “work” and writings are nothing but things he has ripped off from others and slightly reworded. He has “invented”different terms than the accepted ones we use.
There is a movie “I, Psychopath” made about him, where he was tested and so on. It will show you what a REAL JERK and ARSEHOLE and phony he is. He did a stint in prison for financial fraud, he admits he tortures his wife, withholding love, sex, a child etc., he makes my skin crawl and he makes a living with various blogs and sites about “malignant narcissists” and so on.
His PhD is a trumped up “Internet” bought piece of paper that means NOTHING. He had trouble admitting this on camera for the film though….you could see his ego come out and his rage at being exposed as a fake….
DON’T WASTE your money or time on this jerk….. The only thing good I will say about him is that sometimes the first thing people find when they do a google search are the many links to him that he has up to promote himself and his book (his way of making a living) and ANYthing that gets people to thinking about psychopaths is good, but believe me, he is TOXIC and MALIGNANT HIMSELF.
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erin1972 says:
Oxy-wow. Thanks for sharing that with me. I certainly will NOT buy his book. I do have to say though, what he says on malignant narcissism indeed describes my ex so much that it’s totally scary. I am CONVINCED that malignant is the diagnosis that A*** is missing. I don’t know if you read my posts from this afternoon but I am just so glad that he’s gone from me. A*** discarded my because I started to pull his mask down and expose him. I know that his fantasy about having a cop girlfriend was all about him wanting to be kinky. He talked about wanting me to handcuff him to the bed and have my way with him. He had this whole fantasy built up about it. Then once he also talked about a fantasy involving being tied down with silk scarves. Now that I look back on it, it seems a little “basic instinct” for me. I think he really lost that cop fantasy when he realized that as an officer I would be more likely to see through him. He really f’d with my mind. He acted so freaked out when he thought that his 25th anniversary vacation with HER was going to coincide with my police academy graduation. He brought it up one day when we were in bed and now I think it was just to torture me. I ended up in tears because he had promised that he would be there for me to pin my badge on me for the first time.
Oh well-if I get to have someone pin it on me other than an instructor, I am going to have my stepmom do it. She is my biggest supporter.
Geez-I just feel so incredibly free now that he’s gone. I can talk about what he is to people but he is not residing in my head or heart anymore. I don’t fret about him. I know that if I see him I will ignore him.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Erin72,
Sam Vaknin is all about promoting Sam Vaknin. He is the owner of several moderated web blogs that are “support” for victims of Ps and Ns, but the moderators are quite abusive themselves…the purpose of all these of course is to establish HIM AS AN EXPERT, which he is not, and to make MONEY FOR HIM. I will say this though, that the first “support blog” I found was Sam’s and I was there for a while until the moderators started abusing not only me but others–there was more flaming going on there than at a big BBQ! That was when I found LF and real support and caring.
Erin, I want you to do something for me—start enjoying the NOW instead of the “I’ll be happy when I have/do………x, y or z.” I’ve lived too much of my life WAITING for happiness,, fulfillment, etc. “tomorrow when…..” and I wasted that time waiting to be happy when something happened or I got whatever.
BE HAPPY NOW, enjoy NOW. Look at the GOOD things you have NOW.
You may not like your job, BUT…you HAVE A JOB. YOU HAVE A SALARY. There are plenty of people without jobs at all.
You may not be at the weight you want to be, but YOU ARE HEALTHY, (except for boinking yourself in the head!!! LOL) So be HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE HEALTH, FOOD, ETC. Don’t wait to be happy til you lose the weight. Don’t wait to be happy till you get the job you want….be happy NOW. (((Hugs)))))
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erin1972 says:
Oxy-that is really disgusting that Sam Vaknin does that. It is just like a malignant narcissist. Mine is pure EVIL. A good example of how over-the-top he is: I just looked at his page on the medical school website. He changed his CV sometime after the discard. It used to have a personal section talking about his wife and daughter. He REMOVED that part. It’s very cold and has no personality to it. I read an article from a med student asking how to write a good CV. It’s is supposed to have a personality to it. They want to know hobbies and achievements outside of medicine. A*** has none on his. It is as empty as he is. AND, the article states that a good CV should NEVER exceed 10 pages in length. His is 32 pages. He lists every paper that he helped with in his career, even if he had only a minimal role in it. WOW—the narcissism is truly astounding! I am just SO glad that I now have no more questions about what he is and why. I have him so figured out. I definitely want to do domestic violence/sex crimes when I’m a cop. I will be so good at that!
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OxDrover says:
Unless a person is “famous” for something really outstanding, to post his own CV (and especially one 32 pages long!) on the Internet is I think pretty narcissistic…few people I think outside of Alexander G. Bell, Salk, and a few people like Bob Hare, and others who have made SIGNIFICANT contributions to science and humanity deserve any CV or longer biography. LOL
BTW Erin, you don’t have to WAIT until you are a cop to work for DV —you can call and volunteer for your local DV shelter, or raise funds for them—that’s what I meant by the above post–be happy NOW, do good NOW! Enjoy NOW! (((Hugs))))
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erin1972 says:
Perfect example of my narcissists behavior towards his wife when she tried to leave: I got this from an article–it made my laugh because it was him–
Their behavior is more than a lack of self-esteem. It goes to the core of the individual’s personality and is a pervasive aspect of their lifestyle. THis character flaw prevents them from keeping marriage vows and in the vast majority of cases, narcissists will forever cheat on their spouse. It is interesting to note that narcissists rarely divorce and will fight tooth and nail to remain married. This is believed to go along with the “need to be accepted by all” mentality that narcissists possess. As strong as their need is to conquer outside of their marriage, they turn into weeping idiots if/when their spouses even suggest divorce! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
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Buttons says:
I think the most difficult thing for me to wrap my head around with all of the experiences that I’ve had in the past 2 years is how insidious and RESIDUAL the spath damage is.
I’m not even talking about my personal experiences, now. Those issues will have to be muddled through. But, the collateral damage is mind-boggling. SO many people are left in the wake of a spath as either truly damaged, or simply the flotsam of their activities.
When it is all told, there are literally hundreds of people who are affected by the activities and choices of a single sociopath. Ranging from immediate family members, to business associates, to “friends,” to service providers, to victims of violence, to financial institutions, and taxpayers who support “disability” claims. People who have never met the spath are indirectly affected, and it’s just beyond my ability to comprehend.
Has anyone heard the status of the development of Spath Island??? Sheeeeeeesh.
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Hopeforjoy says:
Buttons,
I’ll volunteer to help ship them all out to spath island, and to continue with poo week, we should use the island as the worlds newest poo processing spot. Happy days!!!
Karma will get ‘em in the end.
Hang in there Buttons, you have offered me so much support, I want you to know that we support you here on LF.
Many blessings and warm hugs!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Buttons,
The collateral damage that the psychopaths do effects everyone from their parents, teachers, siblings, people they date, people they marry, their children, their coworkers if they have jobs, their neighbors, etc. So we are talking MANY people here, not just a few.
The damage they do is like a viral illness, it spreads outwardly like a wave of evil, touching lives they have never directly met. You are right about that. Even their DNA taints children they may never meet or know.
The financial cost of the damage they do in terms of social services doesn’t even approach the emotional cost to those closest to them. Yes, they make society suffer as well.
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Buttons says:
Hopeforjoy, thank you so very much. This, too, shall pass.
OxD, this is something that needs to be taken into account when addressing the definition (or, REdefinition) of sociopathy. It’s not just the immediate family/friends that are damaged, but literally hundreds, depending upon their sins against mankind. The “ripple” effect, I think it’s called.
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jeannie812 says:
OMG, it was the beatings and humiliation from my childhood? Wow! That makes sense. I find my mind goes ‘blank’ when I’m dealing with a bully. I stand there like a ‘deer in the headlights’.
My mom used to beat me over the head cause I didn’t move fast enough. She played ‘beat the clock’ to get us to church on time, or get me to school on time. So I got beat. One time she slammed the car door on my friend’s thumb fracturing it. Why? Cause mom was ‘beating the clock’ to get in church on time. My poor friend sat through the church service with a broken finger.
My dad always told me that every word out of my mouth is bullshit. He was never on my side. He would always side with the person who wronged me. One time the obnoxious neighbor boy wrote stuff on the sidewalk about me. He wrote it in chalk on sidewalk in front of our house. My dad grounded me. This same kid cranked phone called my dad to claim he was sleeping with me. My dad was ready to hang me by my toes. I found out who called. It was this same obnoxious kid I hated. This kid would burp and fart in front of girls. I got the kid’s phone number and gave it to my dad to call the parents. My dad grounded me anyway. I remember I was stunned speechless by this.
My third grade teacher hated me after she was questioned by the school principal. My teacher didn’t watch the class entering the classroom after recess cause she was always 10 steps behind the class and she was always linked arm-in-arm with her favorite students. Some unruly boys took advantage of her lack-of and shoved me head-first into a desk. I passed out, and had to get 14 stitches on my head. The teacher hated me after that. And, she picked on me every chance she got. I told my dad. He asked me what did I do to her? Cause I must have done something to her! My mind went blank. I couldn’t think of one word to say in my defense.
My mom would humiliate me in public. One time she said it was time for me to get a trainer bra. I was a tomboy and was embarrassed at the idea of girly stuff like bra’s, but ok I guess… She also filled the shopping cart with things for herself. At the check-out counter she found she didn’t have enough money. She threw the bras at me in anger saying I don’t need them anyway, and that I don’t have anything. People were staring and I took it personally like they looked badly at me. And I felt like there was a neon sign flashing on my forehead “flat chested, flat chested’. Again I was stunned speechless.
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jeannie812 says:
@kerisee04
My dad too lead leading questions during his lectures.
He didn’t want honest answers. He wanted the answers he wanted to hear.
I told him the truth. He yelled ‘don’t give me that bullshit!’ while his middle finger thumped repeatedly on the kitchen table.
He said I did it cause I was out to get him.
I explained that I didn’t do it for that reason. I did it cause I knew I could get away with it.
He would not let me leave that ‘interrogation’ until I said I was out to get him. He started to smile but wasn’t done with me. He then wanted me to say his boss was out to get him. I said that too. Yes, your boss is OUT to get you. My dad was happy and he smiled and let me leave to go to my room.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Jeannie,
I’m sorry that you endured that humiliation as a child rather than having nurturing parents–even good parents sometimes humiliate their children, but to have to endure soul wrecking deliberate humiliation and not feel that you had a parent to protect you is extremely hurtful.
Recognizing that being raised with that kind of dismissive or devaluation can make you think you deserve to be treated that way. It soul rapes you and destroys your sense of worth.
We can’t go back and have a “do over” of our childhood, but we can as our “adult selves” nurture and console our inner “child self” and make decisions based on logic as well as emotion that we will not ever accept that kind of denigrating behavior again.
Sure, your boss may be a jerk, and you let a few snide remarks slide over your back rather than get fired, but you DO NOT HAVE TO LET THOSE SNIDE REMARKS PENETRATE YOUR SOUL. He is after all, just your boss, not your lover.
Or the clerk at the bank or the store may be a jerkk wad, but if they act like it we don’t have to let it “hurt our feelings” we can let it “slide off our backs like water off a duck’s back” and go on with our lives. In the big scheme of things it isn’t even important.
In our personal lives, though, we do not have to sit still and allow anyone to abuse us, to denigrate us, to be a parasite in our lives and to emotionally or physically abuse us. We can set reasonable boundaries and enforce them,, and not feel that we deserve less than HONESTY and RESPECT because we do not deserve less than the best!
Keep on the road to healing Jeannie, it is rough at times, and we fall into some pits we didn’t see once in a while, but over all, it just gets better the farther we go and the more we learn. God bless ((((Hugs))))
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bulletproof says:
jeannie812
there is no relationship with people like that..they just just want to be surrounded by yes people…no disagreeing with them because they are right…total bullshit…there’s no space for your own thoughts or opinions..it’s a form of bullying. Don”t stand for it….but when it’s your father!!!! and your mother!!!!! very hard…very hard.
Separate yourself out from them…the hardest most essential task of teenage life….and yes I’m only addressing it now in my 50′s!! I rebelled so hard I din’t realise I was still reacting to the biotch…but no more internal critical voice of my mother telling me I’m this and that…no more…enough is enough…peace at last x
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pilgrimage says:
I can so relate to this article and everyone’s posts.
justaboutealed said “a lover who hooks into your childhood drama (for me, being love bombed and dumped repeatedly by a N mom) will always be more compelling than a healthy love”
You put into words what I experienced with the P, love bombed with attention and gifts then to the devalue part of how I didn’t deserve or appreciate the attention or gifts. This was the exact dynamics with the N mom. I guess it is not too bizarre I ended up with P who was the perfect actor to play the role of the characters of my dysfunctional past.
I need and want to get past this pattern and stop trying to fix childhood hurts.
I was spanked with a leather belt into my early teens and yes humiliating but I would have rather had that than the spirit crushing, self esteem busting lectures (that I was a hard person to love) given by my mother…and these dreadful lectures were always after she had given me a gift or something I had wanted or needed.
The standard comment/instructions from the N mom for folks taking care of me or if I went to stay with cousins or anyone when I was younger was they had permission to “beat my ass” if I did anything wrong. I can’t imagine saying that as a mother and would never allow anyone to lay a hand on my children. Then again this was the 60′s early 70′s and I guess the beating of children’s butts regardless if they are your own children or someone else’s was a shared and accepted community project…nice.
I never once spanked my kids and they turned out just fine.
The saying “it takes a village to raise a child” well that whole village had permission to spank me. Being a shy, small for my age girl I was in constant fear of displeasing one of the “angry villagers” so to speak. I lost myself back then and the pattern to “always please”, “walk on eggshells” and to take the blame for any wrong doing regardless if it was my fault or not is so deeply ingrained I am not sure if I can ever fully be a healthy person and in a healthy relationship.
bulletproof-very good advice in your last post btw.
Anyway my emotional maturity is stunted…what I figure the P and I had in common. yuck
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rileyanntrzpit says:
My response to Pearl’s post: Yes, the “love” target (woman) may have suffered abuse or humiliation or emotional neglect in early childhood, but I later found out from the sociopath himself, by phone, he was physically assaulted by his father at age 5. It wasn’t a pity ploy, either, because he said he had already seen a psychologist about it. The insight being HIS emotional nonempathy or inability to express affection or engage in pair bonding were distorted defense mechanisms in his brain…the blocks you speak of in reference to the abused.
In other words, he had a wounded soul, and also exhibited some traits of dissociative identity disorder as well as those of the sociopaths. I think the wounds in my soul were attracted to his – a fatal hand in a potential romance. I thank that it is plausible [(for the sociopathic male who willing to get intense counselling and help to break down his blocks (hypnosis, even) ], that he could learn to love and be in touch with his inner child who he is protecting from being wounded again. Women burn themselves over and over by thinking their guidance or tough love will help a sociopath..it won’t and you’ll end up playing the punitive parent he hates in the firstplace. The man has to have had enough failures to want to change and in my guy’s case I hope he has a close encounter with God and that his soul be healed. “He restoreth my soul.” (Psalm 23)
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farwronged says:
How do you trust again after this nightmare?
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skylar says:
Far, you don’t. at least I don’t. it sucks, but in a good way, because we can’t be blindsided anymore.
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farwronged says:
Do you ever love again? I feel I will recover but I know I will never be the same. After every other break up I have slways fully moved on once I found someone new to make me happy. But now, after I have danced with the devil, I dont think I even want to attend the party any longer. I feel hopeless….
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
farwronged – you have to give it time. first we have to go through some healing to feel comfortable to take that risk again.
spaths effect almost everything – our values, our beliefs, our ideas, hopes and dreams; that’s a lot of rebuilding to do. we have to give it time, and we have to work at it. since we have no experience to pull on, no transferable skills so to speak, in recovering from the experience of spathy, it takes time to figure it out and forge our own paths.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
farwronged – please take a look at Kathy Hawk’s articles about trust (the list of her articles are accessed through the list of authors on the left).
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skylar says:
Far,
I can love. I just can’t trust anymore. You can love someone and not trust them.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Far wronged,
You speak of “finding some new to make you happy”—-I think our happiness must come from inside ourselves, not from someone else. I was fortunate to have a good marriage for 20 years, and he died….unfortunately, too much of my happiness depended on him, and when he was gone, I was devastated to the point that I became vulnerable to a psychopath who swooped in to “make me happy”—but I realized eventually that WE must make ourselves happy, then SHARE that happiness with someone else, but not let all our happiness, our security depend on someone else or someTHING else either….ultimately whether we are happy or unhappy, satisfied or unsatisfied, content or discontent, depends on what is within ourselves.
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lesson learned says:
Far,
I completely understand how you feel. I’m out just five months and I’m still deeply grieving, still quite isolated and my recovery is taking longer than I want it too. I don’t have a man and I’m far from jumping my ass right out into the world with a WEEE HAAAAWWW attitude and think it’s all good now. Because it’s not. ANd there ain’t ONE man that’s gonna fix what I need to fix for myself. You’re exactly where you need to be for where you’ve been. You will love again, it will just take time and this is actually a GOOD time for you, because then you can fine tune your radar, get to know yourself a lot better, feel better…it will come. I promise. Just be as patient with yourself as you can. This is a VERY painful experience. Give yourself the grace and mercy you are due for what you’ve been through, and do it at YOUR OWN PACE.
LL
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I_survived_The_Bastard says:
Far – I agree totally with LL. This is what I learned, that we can’t seek happiness through another person. We have to take responsibility for our lives and ourselves, learn more about ourselves and learn to love ourselves, be happy with our selves etc. 8 years out I’m still working on and learning this. Only you can make you happy.
As LL says it has been an awful experience for you and you need to take it one day at a time, treat yourself well, praise yourself, work out who exactly you are, as having been with an spath, your sense of identity has probably disappeared. Start rebuilding your life, as you want it. You have a fantastic chance to become what you’ve always wanted to be. Without my spath I wouldn’t be the person I am now and in some ways I’m grateful for it. I’m much happier with myself. But it takes time, love yourself and praise yourself for every little step you take to the new you.
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farwronged says:
I know…some days are better than others. This week has been rough for me. Im so unhappy, all I want to do is sleep. Ive been feeling so used. Eventhough thats exactly what spath did and intended to do from the beginning sometimes I still find myself trying to understand these people. A normal guy would feel a little guilty or think of me from time to time at least, even if he is a real jerk. I hate that I cant wire my brain to forget him as his forgot me the moment I said it eas over. Spath doesnt deserve to live amongst good people. He doesnt deserve to be on earth at all. Ox says as happy as he may seem hes really not but as long as hes duping the next victim and conning he is happy for the moment anyway. Ive never had this hard a time processing a break up. Even the love of my life split wasnt this hard. I just want to forget I ever met him. Sure this experience has been a blessing in disguise but the pain seems to last forever.
Anger
Pain
Resentment
Disappointment
Hoplessness
Depression
And anger again….this has been my mood this week its like a cycle.
The bastard is probabky using my words ir expressions of love with the new vuctims thats just how unoriginal they are. I read a letter he wrote to somone and he used some dualouge from a tyler perry film. Ha! What a corn ball. Its been almost 3 months and no progression. Ive only duscovered more secrets and perverted characterustics.
I shoukdnt feel a thing for him now that I know what he is. Hes actually pathetuc.
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eb92044 says:
farwronged:
I hear you. It seems I take about five steps forward and two back. I have good days and then it hits me again out of nowhere. I think that is part of the normal healing process. My first emotion is also anger. Can’t seem to shake that one and sometimes I am afraid it’s going to ruin other parts of my life.
You will be OK, it is just going to take time. I know sometimes it seems like it is taking way too long, but you will get there. Hugs.
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I_survived_The_Bastard says:
farwronged – I posted a few days ago about anger (can’t remember which thread) and finding an outlet to express it. Donna says that she ended up punching her pillow on several occasions. I took a hammer to the ‘martial bed” & found that a very good release. If you can find a legal, safe, way to express your anger you will feel so much better. Put his picture on a dart board, get a punch bag, take a hammer to anything he’s left behind. For me it had to be a really physical release. You have lived under stress for so long it has probably built up in your body and there will be toxcins that needs to be eliminated.
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