LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Criminal defense attorney falls for a sociopath
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Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader, who we’ll call Matt.
I am a gay man and a criminal defense attorney. After 22 years in my business I though I had seen it all, heard it all, and knew it all when it came to the bad side of human nature. That was until 15 months ago when I became romantically involved with a sociopath.
Hook, Line and Sinker
July. I met “S” when I was facing 50, flying solo and fearing my own mortality – I had just come from signing my will. I walked into a bar and S homed in on me like a heat-seeking missile. He had a beautiful smile, but I remember how it never reached his eyes – they were laser intense, but flat and unblinking. A few drinks later and big pools of chemistry were forming under S and me. That night, he put the ‘good’ in good night kiss.
August. S launched a full-blown charm offensive. In one week I was swept up in a whirlwind of romantic dinners and phenomenal sex – he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth.
At the end of the week I went on vacation. While I was checking into the hotel a florist showed up with a beautiful arrangement. I said to the desk clerk “Somebody got lucky.” He looked at the card, handed it over and said “Somebody did.” S had sent the arrangement. I fell for S like the proverbial ton of bricks.
Danger Will Robinson
September. The red flags began to pop all over the place. S refused to take me to parties because his ex would be there. S never left messages on my answering machine or voicemail. S never had me over to his apartment though he lived two blocks away. S was secretive in the extreme. But, I ignored the red flags because S was still showering me with attention and the sex was great.
October. Hindsight being 20/20, I could have walked out when S stood me up for a date. I would have walked out when S confessed that he had only broken up with his ex three weeks before me met, not a year earlier like he originally told me. And I should have walked out when S told me that he had been released from prison three weeks before we met.
But, before I could walk, S hit me hard and fast with the “pity play.” He “came clean” and told me how he got hooked on cocaine after his beloved mother was left brain-dead by a stroke. S was convicted of stealing paychecks from his employer to buy drugs. Then S began to sob and told me he didn’t want to “bring the problems that being an ex-con has to your doorstep because I love you.”
As odd as it sounds, S had been lucky. He was sentenced to a “shock incarceration facility” aka “scared straight boot camp,” instead of prison. S also served 10 months of a one-and-a-half to three year sentence and was then put on probation. Another stroke of luck.
If anyone should know from experience that all criminals and ex-cons lie and play people, it’s me. But, S stirred up the caretaker in me and I vowed to help him rebuild his life.
November. I was so besotted with S I ignored even more red flags. He repeatedly violated his probation by leaving the state without permission of his PO. He conned his group therapy leader into letting him out of his post-release program early. And when S informed me that “From here on in I’m only thinking about number one” – I was a fool not to take him at his word.
S finally introduced me to his “ex.” I now see that he was deliberately pitting the two of us against each other for his own amusement. S also did this to increase my jealousy. And it worked. I opened the financial taps. Each date became more lavish than the last.
December. S no longer wooed me with dinner and flowers. S wasn’t concerned about me or his problems. And why should he be? I had become S’s personal ATM, social director and lawyer. I had become S’s one-man Salvation Army.
Devalue and Discard
January. S chose New Year’s Eve to pick a fight with me for agreeing to spend the holiday with “his” friends without his consent (the fact that he had told them this was fine with him two days earlier escaped him). And I took all the abuse he heaped on me. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
February. I should have paid more attention to S’s choice of friends – and lack thereof. I threw him a catered birthday party. Forty of his friends said they would attend. Six showed. I actually hurt for him. It wasn’t until later I realized that this indicated how little his so-called friends and colleagues thought of him.
But I was asleep at the switch when S reestablished his friendship with his college roommate – who was also his “former” drug dealer. The night they reconnected S picked a fight with me in a bar. He stormed out and “broke-up” with me by text message.
S made me crazy that night. I walked around his block for eight hours straight. The next morning S finally let me into his apartment. Then S blamed me for his cashed paycheck being lifted from his back pocket and told me “I need your help to pay my February rent.” I agreed to “lend” him the money and wrote the check then and there for $1,550. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
March. I wondered where S’s family was. I remember when a friend of S’s said, “I never understood how S’s family, to a man, turned their backs on him when he was sent to prison,” Now I see that S had burned them so many times they cut S out of their lives. But, I didn’t. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
April. I took S to Washington, DC to see the cherry blossoms and to share with him a place that was special to me. S was overly eager to go to church. When we entered the sanctuary I learned the priest was S’s former partner (two exes ago). Shocked, I thought “I can’t believe he’s sandbagging a priest on the altar.” S thought it was hysterical. But, I hung on. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
May. S “needed my help” and handed me an envelope. A letter from his landlord threatening eviction. The landlord had rejected April’s rent check because S hadn’t paid February and March. I realized he had lied to me earlier and I had paid January’s rent. But, I didn’t ask any questions and agreed to “lend” him $3,750.
The abrupt personality changes, his constant lack of money. I knew from experience he was using again. But I rationalized it away. If he was using, he couldn’t pass the drug test run by his PO. Right? I ignored the fact that the system can be beat. And I didn’t call him on any of it. Why? Because I was determined to win back the man I fell in love with.
June. Weekend trips. Restaurant checks. Bar bills. Theatre tickets. I paid for it all. He went out of his way to ruin whatever I planned. I was going into debt. I felt more and more empty, more and more abused. I was in a relationship but had never felt more alone.
The more I gave, the more S withheld – Time together. Emotional availability. Sex. Love. And the more emotionally abusive he became. Why did I put up with it? Because I was determined to win back the man I had fallen in love with.
July. Our first anniversary. What was I celebrating? One year of emotional and physical exhaustion from dealing with his never ending dramas? One year of fearing his temper and was walking on eggshells?
S and I celebrated by returning to the “scene of the crime,” the bar where we had met. Over a champagne toast I handed him a ticket to Greece. He handed me an envelope saying “I’m going to need your help again.” Inside was another eviction notice.
This time I finally drew a line in the sand. I told S that I wouldn’t “help” him financially. The most I would do is walk him through the court process so he could represent himself and halt the eviction until we returned from Greece. Period.
The next day I did what I should have done early on – I combed every database I could – public (New York e.courts) and private (Lexis). I uncovered 15 judgments against S for nonpayment of credit cards, car loans, student loans, taxes, rent, and loans from friends and three more pending cases. Then it struck me – his secretiveness, desire to move, avoiding certain places – of the 18 people who sued, how many more hadn’t?
The Brain Fog Starts to Lift
August. I told S this trip to Greece was a chance for us to get back on track. We arrived in Greece. I promptly caught him stealing from a neighbor’s villa. His response? “They’re not going to miss it.” The weird grin on his face when he said it chilled me. Like I was the fool.
I would have put him on the next plane out, but he had the keys to my apartment. So, I spent the next two weeks watching him like a hawk, paying for everything and being made miserable in the process.
September. We returned. I changed my locks. The next day the judge ordered S to pay six months back rent by September 30th or the eviction would proceed. A friend told me that S was cruising bars and turning tricks. I knew there was no getting us back on track. I knew that we had no future together – our values were completely different. I knew I was never going to win back the man I fell in love with – that man was an illusion.
But, I still wasn’t ready to let go. I only curtailed contact, I didn’t cut it. I maintained sporadic contact. Big mistake.
October. Against my better judgment I went with S to his brother’s wedding. That day I went online and learned S had a court date that very morning regarding his eviction, but I didn’t say anything to see how he was going to play this.
Play it he did. The next night. In public. S deserved an Oscar for his performance – crying “how hard I’m trying to go straight,” how “I told my doctor he screwed up our love life with the beta-blockers he put me on,” how “my sister asked me if I was certain ‘you were the one’ and I told her you were” and the capper, “last night my father told me that before the week is out, I’ll have to go home because he’s disconnecting my mother from life-support and going to let her die.”
That was the moment I finally realized I was being manipulated – no parent – no matter how monstrous, would say something like that at a child’s wedding.
S then asked for my “help” with the rent. I refused. And I realized I had to do something or this was never going to stop.
To Get Rid of a Sociopath, Become a Sociopath
November. I finally realized I needed to get S out of my life to save my own life. I turned off my compassion. My understanding. My love. And my guilt. This one-man Salvation Army declared war on S.
S launched his next attack a few nights later. My phone rang at 11:15 and I was asleep. It was S, talking word salad. Then S moved in for the kill – he told me he had to be in court the next morning and didn’t have all the rent money. He asked if I would take some his jewelry as collateral for a loan.
I didn’t have the money, and started to babble something about taking a cash advance on my credit card when I snapped to and stopped cold. I realized he was manipulating me. I cut him off and told him to go into court with what money he had, the jewelry to show the judge he had something to sell to raise cash and take his chances.
The end came two weeks ago. S called me at 4:45 PM on Friday and told me that the landlord had changed the locks. S said his employer would lend him 10 grand to pay his back rent, but his bank was closed until Monday. S then asked me to lend him 10 grand CASH until Monday. I said “NO.” Then S asked if he could crash at my place. I agreed to one night – I finally decided we were going to have it out once and for all.
S arrived bloated (15 pounds heavier since the last time I saw him – he had already packed on 45 pounds since the start of the year), reeking of alcohol, with dirty matted hair, and smelling sour. I thought was “he’s manipulating you into feeling sorry for him.”
He launched his pity play. “How the person I hate most in this world (employer) came through for me again” (translation – I failed him). S then upped the ante and told me his blood pressure was now 220 over 180, his doctor thought he had diabetes and was afraid he was going to have a stroke. And on. And on. And on.
After four hours I finally told S that I didn’t know what to do for him anymore. I told S that I was sure he was on cocaine and our relationship wasn’t working since my needs weren’t being met in the least. S told me, “I love you and want things to go back to the way they were in the beginning.” I told him “No, you want me to pay your bills while you do whatever you want while I wait for you to call or text me. Those days are over. It’s clear we want different things, so I think its best if we no longer see each other.”
Then came the moment of true irony. I told S that I expected him to pay back the money I lent him. S replied indignantly “I always pay my debts.” I just stood there looking at him and thinking, “We’re standing in my kitchen at 2:30 AM because you have been locked out of your apartment for not paying your rent.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
The next morning I asked S if he wanted to take a shower. He refused. It dawned on me what S was up to – S was going to make the rounds, looking like he’d slept on a park bench and hit up everybody he could for cash. And then he was probably going to split.
Aftermath
Having read the stories of other Lovefraud bloggers, how they suffered at the hands of their sociopaths for years on end and ended up financially bankrupt, I know, on an intellectual level, that I got off relatively cheap. However, emotionally and physically, I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.
A friend of mine told me I must be incredibly strong to have withstood what S put me through – he said he would have snapped a long time ago. Strong? I don’t think so. If I were strong I never would have allowed S to cannibalize my life like I did. I would have stood up to him long ago. I would have gotten rid of him instead of hanging on.
I’m furious at S for using me and making a mockery of my beliefs and my love. I’m furious at myself for letting S do this to me. My friends and family can’t bear to hear another word about S. I expect to crawl over miles of broken glass on my stomach before they’ll ever listen to me again.
S hasn’t vanished yet. I suspect he’s still working his scam. He has started the smear campaign. Several nights after I ended it S started showing up at places I frequent and events I had bought tickets to. S ended up seated directly opposite me at one event (reserved seating). Once is a coincidence. Three times is stalking.
A psychiatrist I consult with periodically on my cases told me, “Don’t think S is going to go away easy. He knows how good he had it with you. And there’s only one way to beat him – NO CONTACT.” I got the same advice from my detective friend who also told me that I could get a restraining order. But, if anyone should know how worthless they are, it’s me. So, now I am constantly on guard and looking over my shoulder – and maintaining NO CONTACT.
The money I “lent” S? I know it’s gone for good. But S will be held accountable to a higher power – the IRS. I had the good sense to write “LOAN” on every check I wrote to S. And when I was taking care of one of the numerous problems S was too lazy to deal with himself, he gave me his social security number.
My accountant sent the first collection letter today. Two more will go out. And when S doesn’t respond – and he won’t – I’ll report his debt to me as uncollectible. I get the tax loss, S gets nailed for income. Hey, if it was good enough to bring down the sociopath Al Capone, it’s good enough for me to bring down my sociopath – S.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Stargazer says:
It could start out: “Tired of following stupid rules? Tired of stupid people telling you what you can’t do? Here is the step-by-step guide to beating the system.
Chapter I: How to get others to pity you.
A: Losing your driver’s license
B: Losing our job
C: Faking the sad look
Chapter II: Circular logic and other crazy-making communication techniques
Chapter III: Intro to Gaslighting
Chapter IV: Perfecting the Vacant Stare
Chapter V: Once you have their money: Discard for Dummies
Chapter VI: Get the Most out of your Devaluing
A: The Other Woman (Women): Keeping them all separate
B: Effective use of “I Never Loved You or Found You Attractive”
Chapter VII: Smear Campaign
A: Fooling Lawyers and Judges
B: Turning your victim’s friends against them
Chapter VIII: The Classic Sociopathic Power Play
A: What to email and text to keep them hooked
B: Appearing desperate over the phone
Chapter IX: Advanced Acting Techniques
A: The fake suicide threat
B: Faking love
C: Turning on the Tears
Chapter X: Pathological Lying
A: The Basic “Excuses” to Know
B: How to Appear Confident While Lying
Chapter XI: Backstabbing 101B
A: How deep to sink the knife
B: How to twist the knife
C: Going in for the Kill
I think we could have a best seller on our hands!!!!!
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Iwonder says:
Don’t forget the chapter of isolation and domination. Also how to verbally assault your victim.
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Stargazer says:
Wonder Woman, you will have to co-author the book. We can split the royalties.
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Iwonder says:
Oh, and a few more chapters:
* Techniques regarding the fine art of spitting in your victim’s face” LOL!!! Also,
*”How to tapdance your way out of a difficult situation when finally caught!” LOL!!!
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lostingrief says:
Iw: yea, i hear ya. he can kiss my ass, too.
i’m actually doing really well. i’m WAY happier without him. my problem is mostly intellectual, in that i need to understand everything. and trying to process a spath is — as you all know — absolutely impossible. but my (usually overactive) brain won’t let it go. so, i try to ‘understand’ why he would do what he did, why he wanted this girl pregnant when he already has three kids, why he lied when he could have just as easily told the truth, why he would give up the most awesome person he has ever had in his life!
yesterday, i saw his brother at the corner of my block when i was coming home from work. i actually did a quick about-face, and walked blocks out of my way to avoid him.
today, my ex-s/p/n called me twice — blocking the number. no one ever calls me private, esp. without leaving a message. i know he’s going crazy that i haven’t reached out to him. and i won’t either. i want NOTHING to do with him … EVER!
the reason i get caught up on appearances, is that he met me when i was 25 and thin and very attractive. 25 yrs later, i’m not that anymore, but he is still very youthful and stunning. being dumped for someone half your age (and weight) isn’t easy for any woman.
i have lots of friends who have been very supportive (but who are equally shocked he turned on me). i know i’m lucky to be out. i won’t go back.
i just wish my brain would catch up with all the other parts of me that is completely repulsed by such a dispicable person.
soon. soon.
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Matt says:
Henry:
It’s easy enough to check prison records. For example, to find out if somebody has been in prison in New York, google “New York inmate lookup”. Most states have something similar.
Once you’re on the website, you may have to play with a variation or two on his name, and scroll backwards and forwards a couple of pages. But, in New York they have inmate records online dating back to around 1970. Since more than one inmate has the same name, you’ll find birthdays, inmate identification number, where incarcerated, release date, crime convicted of, when they are/were up for parole, etc.
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Matt says:
Stargzer:
Under Chapter I we need the following:
D. “Parasitically Bleeding Your Lover for Profit and Pleasure”
E. “Shameless exploitation of family and friends.”
Under Chapter VII:
C. “Playing Your Probation Officer”
D. “Passing Your Drug Test” or “Cranberry Juice is Good for Something Besides Treating Urinary Tract Infections”
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Iwonder says:
Hi LIG:
Sometimes we have to stop trying to figure out “why” because there is no logical answer. My sister has been married for 20 years. 5 years into the marriage she discovered he was having an affair. He went to therapy with her and swore he ended the affair. 15 more years passed by and guess what??? She discovered he was still with her!!! OMG, my sister is trying again to get him in therapy and get rid of the OW again. She also is going back to school and wants to be a therapist to try to understand. Listen, these people don’t change. Period. She knows in her gut and will never forgive or forget this go around. She is just going through the motions of healing in her own way.
LIG, I’m pretty close to your age. Getting back my self esteem wasn’t easy either ..but I figured this guy took everything I had and he’s not going to take that too. When I talk to his ex wife, she said her self-esteem sufferred for like 2 years. After that conversation, I snapped out of it real quick. I said to myself, “2 years of her life feeling like crap?? Over what??”
LIG: I live round your way. We should go to the city for a drink sometime soon. I will cheer you up.
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Iwonder says:
OMG Matt!! You’re cracking me up! LOL!!!
Don’t forget to add:
* Tell them you’ve found God. They’ll love it.
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Matt says:
Lostingrief:
They lie even when they don’t have to just to stay in practice.
One thing that has helped me getting through this is taking better care of myself. I’ve been getting myself back into the gym routine and can see the difference.
Has definitely helped my self-esteem. The other day some 28 year old twinkie tried picking me up at a fundraiser I went to. I thought “I’m old enough to be your father” and didn’t pursue it. But, I’ve got to tell you, damn did I feel good about myself.
Also, I’ve had friends recently comment on how great I look. I looked in the mirror and realized my face had cleared up because I’m no longer stressed. I look rested because I’m actually getting some restful sleep and not waking up in knots.
Bottom line: do some stuff that is solely about you taking care of you. I was so beaten down by S, that when I go into the gym and run 1/4 mile further than the last time, or up my weights 10 pounds, I view that as quantifiable progress in my recovery from the sociopath.
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Jen2008 says:
Ok, Star, you are sooooooo creative. Those book chapters were AWESOME. I like the other guys suggestions for added chapters too. lol
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Iwonder says:
LIG: Matt is right. I’m back at the gym and dropped like 20 lbs and 4 sizes…almost back to my normal weight before I met the S. I always used to walk and go to the gym. My ex would accuse me of staying in shape to attract other men. I also used to stop eating when I was full but my ex would mind f me and say I wasn’t eating to stay thin to attract other men. I wanted to prove him wrong. So I ate and let myself go. My ex also would have psycho moments when I’d get my hair cut nice and high-lighted. He would say “you’re into yourself” and storm out of the house. What a looney.
Anyway, I’m feeling so much better now that I’m taking care of me again. The guy I’m seeing has no complaints (so far).
And Matt, talk about the stress on your face. I had like a permanent frown line between my eyes from being upset and crying myself to sleep. Almost all gone now. It’s amazing how these S’s can actually change your appearance.
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Matt says:
Stargazer:
Chapter XII: Fat and Flacid — How to Keep Your Lover Thinking You’re Still God’s Gift
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Stargazer says:
Matt, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You missed your calling.
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Iwonder says:
Matt: HA HA HA!!!! LOL!!!
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Iwonder says:
Matt:
I went to the hair salon like 3 mos after the split and right away, my stylist said, “OMG! You look fantastic!” The weight loss is amazing!! The owner also came over and said, “you’re looking as lovely as always!” I’m telling you, the longer I’m away from the ex, the better I feel and people do notice everything…from your attitude to your physical appearance. That guy was digging me into an early grave.
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Stargazer says:
Okay, LIG,
Here are some possible reasons your ex got a girl pregnant. (Direct from David Letterman’s top 10!)
10. Because he wants to hook the OW in deeper
9. Because he could
8. Because he didn’t think about the consequences of sex
7. Because he wanted another possession
6. Because he thinks that will prove his manhood
5. To hurt you
4. Because babies are easier to control
3. So the “discard of the OW will be that much sweeter
2. Because he doesn’t consider the child his responsibility anyway
And the number 1 reason your ex probably had a child:
1. Because condoms are too inconvenient!
These are all good reasons to have a kid, right? I hope you don’t mind my sarcasm.
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Iwonder says:
Matt & LIG:
Also, what about hobbies and interests?? I used to go to music school on Saturdays for guitar. I quit when I lost my job (ex got me fired) and couldn’t afford it. I still can’t afford it but I’m playing again. I am also fixing up my condo by painting it which is something i like. Do things that nourish your soul.
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Matt says:
Iwonder:
He wasn’t digging anything. If he was anything like mine, he had gotten me to the point I had dug the grave myself and loaded the gun. Once I shot myself then he might have bothered with filling in the grave — if it wasn’t too much trouble.
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Iwonder says:
Star: LIG’s ex is like mine somewhat in their ethnicity. They don’t believe in condoms. I had an HIV test 2 days ago just to sleep at night. Who knows where he’s been in the 2 years he was with me.
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Iwonder says:
Matt:
Nah, that would be too much trouble.
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Matt says:
Iwonder:
Agree about things that nourish your soul. I’ve started to get involved with a few philanthropies which, contrary to what S claimed, actually think I’ve got some brains in my head and talents they can use. But, more importantly, getting involved with an organization like a charity gets you out of your head for awhile, give you a good feeling for making a positive contribution to society and helps you to see that there are people out there who are worse off than you.
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Jen2008 says:
Oxy said: “In most romantic situations where the P is just a pain in the emotional ass, disengagement allows you to heal and there isn’t really any reason to let a few dollars or a few items of “things” get in your way and let him engage you in the fray again, but in some cases, where it is a MATTER OF LIFE, DEATH OR SAFETY, you have to do what you have to do.”
I sooooooo agree with this. Although my ex conned me out of loads of money including free rent, utilities, a vehicle, tons of cash, screwed around and made of point of letting me know it by not only riding the girl by my house for me to see, but also calling and tellng me how much better she was than me including explicit details, and I ended up giving up my home and business dream to move away—-that PALES in comparison to the stalking and property destruction destruction and unexpected intrusions and things connected with that, and the emotional and verbal abuse complete with threats to kill and the FEAR surrounding my physical safety. I don’t mean to minimize the conning type of socio or the one who screws around–that is also bad and leaves damage for the victim, but having lived thru all of that, in my case and for my personal feelings it wasn’t the loss of the money or the screwing around that left the most damage (although yes it was bad), but it just doesn’t even compare to the terrorizing and threats (some of which he acted on), the fear and uncertainty of not knowing what he would do next to me, the fear of my physical safety and not knowing whether I was going to make it out alive.
I absolutely believe when you are dealing with a socio or psychopath who has shown clear signs that he is dangerous, that you damn well BETTER act like a sociopath or whatever else you have to act like to get away from them. Dealing with one of these people is not the time to play nice and remember the rules of etiquette or the time to start worrying about always being truthful. Be good and truthful to somebody besides a P cause they aren’t gonna give a damn anyhow.
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Stargazer says:
Matt, you know there is a lot of good material on this thread in case you ever decide to go into stand up comedy. LOL You may want to copy it to a word document.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Jen,
I can so relate to what you have been through. I know some of them make “threats” that they wouldn’t really carry through, but when you KNOW one very well might carry through, it is BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
I realize it keeps the drama going and sometimes that can reopen old wounds or create new ones, but you do what you have to do to be safe.
At this point in time, I have spent so much money when I left home, and bought the RV that I really don’t have a choice except leaving in the RV again which I would RATHER NOT do, but if I have to I will. So if there is a way to prevent my mother from feeding P-son information and MONEY which he will use as a weapon against us, I need to find it. Right now there is a possibility that I may be able to pull a rabbit out of the hat.
I ordered the book The BEtrayal Bond, and it has given me some insight into my mother’s behavior and why she is BONDED to my P-son. I think it goes back to her own brother who repeatedly smothered her until she passsed out from the time she was a baby until their father caught him doing it when mom was 7 and her brother 14, and whipped the tar out of her brother and put a stop to it. Mother has a hard-wired betrayal bond to her brother, and she is substituting my P-son, who has also abused her as well so her “enabling” of him is hard wired into her.
The book has given me quite a few insights into alot of things, including my own “betrayal bonds” to my mother’s betrayal of me. Since my son C has also gone NC with her, we are starting to receive cards and notes from the church where my mother goes (a very small congregation of about 25 people, most of whom are life long friends of the family and/or kin to us) and we have not attended services there since I stopped going there when mom D & D’d me, and son C since August of last year when he fled the state after his then wife and the Trojan Horse P were arrested for trying to kill him.
With my son C NC with Mom, she is totally alone except for my first cousin, who is her Power of ATtorney, but keeps his distance as well since “seeing the light” about my mom not being this “sweet innocent little old Christian lady” which she presents to the world at large, rather than the rage-filled lying person she is behind the mask.
The “Betrayal Bond” makes perfect sense in the context of our family. In the context of what she is doing.
But, at the same time, in order for me to be safe here, my P son MUST NOT HAVE FUNDS with which to purchase outside help.
This may mean that I have to confront her in a situation that will also have the MAXIMUM embarassment for her, and also in such a way that she will be unable to lie her way out of it. I have come up with a plan, and my son C and I are going to persue the possibility of this, even though I know it will be pretty traumatic to us both, but if it works, it is worth it, because I won’t have to get up and leave my home, my land, my animals, and my tools, etc. If it doesn’t work, I haven’t really lost anything except a day or two of anger and grief. Compared to what I have already lost, that is nothing, and compared to what I might very well lose (my life) if she keeps on sending him money in the thousands of dollars, then It would be well worth it, and the down side is not all that bad.
I realized a long time ago that COURAGE is not being unafraid, it is being scared chitless, and as John Wayne said, “sadding up and riding out anyway.”
Just the thought of confronting her makes my hands shake as I sit here and think about it and type, but I think it is the only option left to us (my sons and I)
One of the things I found in the Betrayal Bond book is that the “family secrets” MUST AT ALL COSTS BE PROTECTED. I have known this since I was a kid, only I called it “What would the neighbors think?” Now I realize that I have an TRUMP CARD to trump mom’s ACE with. A childhood friend of mine, male, who remains a very close friend to me, knows all about this whole situation. If I can recruit him into the confrontation of mother, and I think I can (and yes, I know this is the Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer triangle) I think I can SHAME her into admitting her lies and that she will live in fear of him “telling the world” or God, forbid, the CHURCH about her sins. I am hoping that the fear of the “world knowing” will ttrump her need to enable my son.
Maybe this is the wrong thing to do, or maybe it is not politically correct, and maybe I shouldn’t do it. I welcome your advice and opinions, and I know that ultiimately I will have to make the decisions, but I do welcome any takes on my plan.
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maniatissa says:
Dear OxDrover-
I haven’t posted in a while but I can very much relate to what you are going through although the scenarios are different and it is not my family, but my ex’s. How you describe the ‘betrayal bond’ really explains the dynamic of my x S with his family, particularly with the father who sexually abused him. And in that case my ex FIL had to get me out of the picture precisely because, as you say “the family secrets must at all costs be protected”.
It is good thing that your mother feels the need to present certain appearances to the world; it definitely works for you if you intend to expose her misdeeds. I don’t think there is anything wrong with shaming anyone who has sinned; to be honest I think people who have the opportunity to do so should, although I cannot even imagine being put into a situation like that with one’s mother. It must be incredibly difficult. You would be doing the right thing if it is to protect your life and your sons’ lives…
…My ex’s family differs in that they don’t care what others think of them so they just continue to isolate themselves from those who know the truth about their sociopathic behavior so it is very difficult to shame them! Also, it is noteworthy that sometimes you can expose someone and people STILL won’t hear the truth if they don’t want to hear it about that person. Alot of times denying it is easier than recognizing and condemning the bad behavior.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Maniatissa,
Thank you for your post, and yes, you are so right about people denying the truth even with proof, because to admit it would be SO PAINFUL that they cannot even think of putting themselves through that pain. That’s actually what the BETRAYAL BOND seems to be.
My mother’ position in the community and church is ALL IMPORTANT to her, so it is something that I think I can “black mail “her with (to use the term meaning to make her do something in order to prevent it coming out in the open). Protecting her “reputation” as this honest, pious, Christian lady is VERY important to her, if I can convince her that I will BLOW THE WHISTLE PUBLICLY and that my childhood friend would go along with this and help me (he is very well respected in the communnity) then I may have something I can “hold over her head.” For a while my son C and I had his threats to go NC with her to hold over her head, but eventually, her fear of that lessened and she decided to take the chance of being found out and went back to sending money to P-son, now that son C has walked out of her house and SLAMMED the door when he caught her lying, she is desperately trying anything to get us hooked back into her web, so the cards and letters and “I love you’s” and the “come back to church we miss you” etc. are her first attempt to piously get her dupes in the church (who would NEVER BELIEVE US EVEN IF WE HAD A VIDEO OF HER CHOPPING UP BABIES”) Her “mask of piety” has been so perfectly worn in public for so long that no one who knows her from the community could even imagine that behind that mask is the RAGE and ANGER of SATAN if she is thwarted by her nearest and dearest—at least as long as they are male.
We had hoped that my son C’s threats would keep her from sending the money to son P but it didn’t last forever, and even if we can make this one work and she quits sending money to P son, P son will keep sending begging, pleading and angry letters (alternating) until she again breaks down and starts writing him again and sending more money. At which time, we will have to think of another TRUMP CARD to trump her ace with.
If it was simply a matter of her giving her money to a “home for homeless cats” I would not care who got it, but the P-son will USE IT AS AMMUNITION TO MOUNT ANOTHER ATTACK ON US.
In the event that she changes her will and leaves a great deal of money to him, son C and I have already determined that we will fight it that she was “unduly influenced” and we have letters to prove this, and that the money should have gone to a CHARITY that is named in the family trust instead of to son P, and that he unduly deprived the charity of the money.
Since we will NOT be trying to GET the money ourselves, IT WOULD I WOULD THINK, make our plea much more believeable. But heck, who knows how much money she will transfer to him between now and the time she dies, her mind isn’t getting any sharper as she ages.
I hate to sound like a drama queen, and I’m beginning to I think, but I don’t know what else to do, other than lose everything I have worked for all my life. I am willing to do that if there is no other way, but if there IS another way, I think I would be foolish to leave here with the clothes on my back and an RV trailer when I might possibly be able to stop this insanity on my mother’s part. Having “seen” the light about her trauma bond from what I read in the BETRAYAL BOND, it all seems so much more clear to me now. I do know I am still “emotinally” involved and it would be “easier” in many ways to just ignore all this, but at the same t ime, I am afraid if I do ignore it, it may cost me my life, or the lives of my sons.
So, I do welcome input from my LF friends. I know you guys and I don’t always agree on everything, and that’s okay, but I still like the multiplicity of ideas and opinions I get here—even if I don’t agree with them.
BTW, Maniatissa, how are you doing? I hope you are well and things going well for you. Keep i n touch, sweetie, we do care so much about you! (((hugs))))
“
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maniatissa says:
OxDrover-
The priority is definitely to protect yourself and your children. It must be terrible to have to live in fear like that, although I know that you have an incredible outlook and attitude about all of it. How is it that he is able to get money like that into the prison? Is there anything that can be done about that, although I imagine you probably have done it…
I have been overwhelmed- still in the process of a ridiculous divorce with my ex S. I also have my suspicions that both of our attorneys are Ss as well. I just found out, that my attorney back in the beginning when I was blindsided with the divorce, presented to me by my ex FIL, did not inform me of all my legal options in that situation. I pretty much confronted him about it so now he is dancing to my tune a little more. Additionally, I filed a complaint against my ex FIL (he was our landlord) with the human rights commission in that state; once I told my attorney about this I think he realized that I wasn’t a doormat and that his behavior was under scrutiny as well. I won’t even begin to talk about my exS’s attorney!
Anyhow, I am thinking about getting a new lawyer although I can’t really afford it.
On a different note, I heard through the grapevine that my exS may stop working so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Lovely, huh?! There is never an end to the lack of decency…
The good thing is that me and my 3 girls are forging ahead. I just got a decent job (I had been looking since we came back east) which is a huge relief. At least now I feel more in control of our lives…
I have been reading on here, but lately I have felt too overwhelmed even to post but it does really help! It just never ceases to amaze me the unnecessary havoc these people wreak on others’ lives…
Thank you so much for the hugs! They really help!
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OxDrover says:
Congratulations maniatissa,
I do hope you keep coming back here and reading even if you don’t feel like posting. It takes a long time to get through the healing process, and I know there will still be some pit falls along the way, so you keep on coming here and lurking if nothing else, and good for you for standing up for yourself.
I know that things will only get better, and you know what, you might get your X to sign off on parental rights instead of getting child support, cause you are never going to get the $$$$ anyway and evne if you do you wil have to pay for it in blood, if he would sign off on parental rights, then you would never have to deal with him again, AND he will never be able to get his clutches into your prescious baby. God forbid that something should happen to you, if he had parental rights he would get the baby. I have begin to look at “worst case scenarios” when I start weighing the “risk” vs “benefit” ratios. Call me cautious, call me paranoid! But, just cause you are paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t out to get you! LOL ((((Big Hugs)))) and always prayers!
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Matt says:
Maniatissa:
Courts frown upon parents who quit working in order to not pay child support — they don’t want children to become burdens on the resources of the state.
That said, I agree with OxDrover. You are going to be chasing him for money until the date he doesn’t have to pay anymore. If you can get him to terminate his parental rights, grab it.
Since sociopaths think only of the immediate, he may very well agree to this, since it solves his immediate problem — having to pay you money. The fact that he fails to grab the long range problem — losing his relationship with his children probably will never enter his logic (such as it is).
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OxDrover says:
Dear Matt,
Thank you for that advice to Maniatissa. I asked you once on another blog if you would be willing to write some articles for love fraud readers on legal issues. I know you can’t answer all our legal questions individually, and I know that not all states have the same laws on family law, etc. but maybe you could write some articles of general interest about child custody IN GENERAL, and ways for people to protect themselves legally.
I think you would be a great “legal consultant” for lovefraud readers with some great articles, and you are so good at putting things into words. I guess maybe I am overstepping my bounds here, as this isn’t “my” site, it is Donna’s, but think about it if you would. I think that the best thing about LF is that we all sort of contribute our talents in our areas and you have apparently got a great talent and knowledge of the law which I think would be beneficial to so many of the LF readers.
With the physicians, lawyers, therapists, mental health professionals, etc we have here on LF we have a really good cross section of professionals in multiple fields on which to draw knowledge and information from, as well as support.
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alohatraveler says:
Dear Matt,
I just read your story today. Thanks for sharing it. You did an excellent job describing your experience.. play by play. At the moment, I have a flash back of arguing with the Bad Man on my front porch… he totally disarmed me with one line, “Can’t you see I am trying to HELP you girl!” He wasn’t. He wasn’t trying to help me but he did manage to trip up my logical thinking with that line.
Anyway, you wrote “I was craving and had been craving for so long. ”
Oh how this describes me back then… and I think I just figured something out for myself… I have been struggling with hopefulness. I have disconnected my “hope” mode. Perhaps I am afraid I will slip back to this needy vulnerable and hungry for love woman that I was before.
You said something about struggling with the horrible things he said to you… have you read my article on that? and more importantly, have you read the “Romeo’s Bleeding” articles? They are very powerful!
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....sociopath/
Romeo’s Bleeding: When Mr. Right Turns Out to Be Mr. Wrong
By Roger Melton
Part 1: Control
Part 2: The Malice Artists
Part 3: The Mirror Men
Part 4: When Love is a 4-Letter Word
Part 5: When love is a 4-Letter Word cont. The Clinging Apocolypse
Part 6: Conclusion: Counter-control
This ia an awesome thread… I haven’t gotten through all of it yet but I am trying. Welcome to Healing Heart. Glad you were reading all this time. I don’t have the time to read and write as I did in the past… I have three jobs! YIKES! But I am almost done paying off the debts from what I call my “Tropical Debacle.” If you know me… you’d understand.
Welcome Welcome Welcome!
Aloha
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Matt says:
Alohatraveler:
You had your Tropical Debacle, I had my Typhoon.
Congratulations on crawling out of the financial tar pit. When I think of the money I shelled out on S, I could shoot myself — especially when I weigh in the “opportunity lost” factor. I figure in another 3 months I should be able to pay off the last of the “courtesy of the S” bills.
Thanks for the article leads on dealing with the things S said to me or as I’ve come to view it “death by 1000 cuts.”
At this moment I find that I “shoot first and ask questions later” when someone says something which I remotely interpret as disrespectful. I know I’m hypersensitive after what S put me through. But, I need to get a grip on this issue.
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Iwonder says:
Hi Matt:
I’m so glad to hear you had a nice Christmas and are in a better frame of mind. I’m so jealous you are going away to a warm place. I’m freezing here in NJ.
At least you have $$ for a nice vacation. It will take me the entire year of 2009 to get out of debt. I’ll be eating peanut butter & jelly sandwiches from now out.
This was a tough lesson turn learn. I’ll remember it everytime I eat a P&J sandwich.
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Matt says:
Iwonder:
I typed up a list of of what I still owe from my time with S as well as the monthly AMEX bills I racked up while with him. I keep it in my wallet — over the credit cards.
Not only does it keep me from reaching for the plastic, it reminds me of how I need to be on guard around anybody new I meet.
I agree, it was a tough lesson to learn.
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Stargazer says:
Hey, OxD,
Your plan with your mom reminded me of something I read a long time ago. Have you ever read any of the Carlos Castaneda books? He used to hang out in the desert with shamans. One of his mentors found himself in the clutches of a very mean and evil person. He had to devise a devious plan to beat the evil man at his own game. In doing so, he rose in personal power. He used this story to teach a lesson about dealing with evil people. He called them “petty tyrants.” He talked about how they are our greatest teachers. He said that if you don’t have a petty tyrant in your life, you should go out and find one, because the lessons you can learn from them are so great. I believe that particular book is called Ring of Fire. It made a big impression on me. He said you have to study your opponent and learn their weakness so you can exploit, which you are doing. In your case your mother’s weakness is her reputation. I think it takes guts to confront her in this way. But your life is at stake here. Please let us know how this turns out.
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sstiles54 says:
Matt,
I am in the same boat as you. I hope to have most of my debts, & my financial records rebuilt by the end of this coming new year. It’s amazing how good a PB & J sandwich can be when you make yourself remember why you have to be living on it. LOL Thank God we are all learning to be strong again.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Stargazer,
Yes, I read all the CArlos Castaneda books back in the 1970s when they were so popular. As you may well already know I am a Book-a-holic! LOL My house looks like the stacks at the Library of Congress. LOL However, last year I went through and cataloged all my books, and which shelf they are on, and so I can find them, my own little “dewy-decimil” system. LOL
I put the ones I don’t want to keep into storage and either gave them away or recycled them at the used book store. I have a complete medical reference library and a large store of books that are worth reading a second, thrid or fourth time. I also have a pretty good store of books about psychopaths etc. from Robert Hare on.
My sons also are big book-a-holics and have a different collection that I frequently “raid” for reading material too.
My adopted son’s “The Art of War” is a great one on the philosophy of winning, and has the same theme of “KNOW YOUR OPONENTS’ WEAKNESSES”—My P-son certainally knew my weaknesses and before I got out of the FOG he exploited them without mercy, and he is exploiting my mom’s weakness now to get her to send him money, so now that I am CALM and not in a PANIC, I too can use this tactic, and it is the ONLY one that works when you are fighting a “battle” and if they just will not leave you alone and go away, it eventually comes down to that battle.
In addition to that one, my son had one of his buddies write me a letter (trying to get information I assume) so I sent a little DIS-information that I thought would be believeable AND since mom has no way to know if I am actually here or not on the farm, she can’t tell him any different. So I told the guy that I had bought a motor home and was living in it full time and traveling all over the country to visit my friends. I do have friends all over the US and this is a logical lie, and one that would make “sense” to my son and even my mother since I did take off in the 5th wheel RV for 6 months. So if my son thinks I am “gone all the time” or at least most of the time, and he has no way to know when I am here or not, it would make it much more difficult for him to send one of his buddies up here for a long period of time to wait for me to come home. Laugh.
On the confrontation with my mother, my sons and I have decided that THEY and our friends and cousin will confront her and I will NOT be there. I think it will be easier on me, number one, and I also think that since she responds better to MALEs that it will have a better chance of working if I am not physically there. With me it is more a CONTROL issue of her controlling me, but with males, she is more likely to be controled by them. We are giving this plot/plan some good calm rational planning before we try to put it into place. Probably will get it going next week, depending on other’s schedules. Of course she will play the pity ploy of the poor old lady who just “loves her grandson and doesn’t want him to suffer in prison without any money” (PUKE)
In any case, it is unnecessary “drama” but it isn’t as emotionally draining like it was when I was so “crushed” at what she was doing, so “betrayed” that she would trade me for the P’s and when she D & D’d me until they were arrested then she tried to play the pity ploy and get me to come back to her—it is the same thing as a cheating spouse who goes with the OW/OM and then when something happens to that relationship, they try to come back to the original spouse.
Same exact scenario but, you know, the door is NOT open any more. The crushed emotions and heart have mended and there is NO TRUST LEFT. This, on my part now, is simply a MANIPULATION I am making for my safety and the safety of my sons. I think it is simply a manipulation on their parts too, rather than an emotional response to her sending money and support to the P-son. NO SUPRISE. I think it is the suprise and the betrayal part that hurts us, but when there is no suprise there is no upset.
Anyway, I will keep you posted on how it goes, and we will continue to MONITOR her compliance, at least my son will, I am not going to mess with it as long as he is willing to do it.
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Stargazer says:
You’re a very smart woman, OxD. I’m glad you have sons to help you with the strategic planning. You also have a whole bunch of us homeys here pulling for you. It must be so frustrating to have to keep dealing with your P son. I’m sure you must wish it would just end. On the plus side, it’s good at least to know where you stand with your mother, so you can know how to respond to her. I’m amazed at how resilient you are.
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Matt says:
Hi, all:
It’s funny, but I had to go back and read my original posting, up above. I see how far I”ve come.
It also helped me to make a decision today. As many of you know, I took my first shot at S via the IRS. Today I decided to take a second shot at S and sic his judgment creditors.
About a year ago, when I was trying to solve yet another the S’s endless legal problems, and I discovered he had 15 creditor default judgments against him, I spoke to the attorney who represented some poor guy that S conned out of over 10 thousand bucks — supposedly they were going to buy a condo together. S absconded with the money. The attorney told me his client couldn’t collect on his judgment because S had no bank accounts and no discernible employment history — until now.
I thought of how many of us have been screwed by these creatures and how these creatures continue to skate. Anyhow, I just slipped two pages into the envelope — a copy of the original judgment and his address and where he works. No fuss. No muss. And the beauty is, my fingerprints aren’t on this anywhere.
S was always preaching to me that I was supposed to “Let things simmer slowly” every time I told him I wanted more out of our relationship. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
The attorney I sent the information to today has 30 days to garnish S’s wages. Afte 30 days I’ll turn up the heat a little bit and contact 2 more creditors. And 30 days after that 3 more.
I’m going to slowly crank up the heat on S. Yep, S burned me. But S is about to learn what “simmering” is all about.
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Tilly says:
Dear Matt,
I LOVE this post!!! This is a million times better than my revenge fantasy because its REAL. I feel like its me getting one of mine back! I am soooo rapt!! TOWANDA!!!! This is the best thing i have heard since last November! (I so so want to do this to mine!!) This is awesome stuff!!! Maybe there IS justice in the world after all!!!
I pray the stew boils long at boiling point and simmers your psychopath right out of the hole he has been hiding in for his whole life. I would love a photo of him in orange overalls, beaten black and blue…no, burned and scarred i.e. (simmered) would be better.
Please give me a blow by blow description of the aftermath of your cooking.
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Matt says:
Tilly:
One of my greatest regrets is I didn’ make a color copy of his release identification card which was given to him when he was released from prison. There, in glorious technicolor was S — in his orange jumpsuit.
I know I shouldn’t say this, but I am actually enjoying this — because I don’t have to engage S directly, and also because, as I always say, the only thing, and I mean the only thing that an S understands is dollars and cents. And if I can reduce his miserable standard of living still further by getting his wages garnished right and left, damn, I’ll do it.
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Rosa says:
You’ve come a long way, Baby!!
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Matt says:
Rosa:
Aren’t you proud of me?
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Rosa says:
Weekend trips, restaurants, bars, theatre dates?
I think I want to date you.
You can be my “Will” (Will & Grace) & I will be your “Grace”, of course.
P.S. I will pay my own way on the trip to Greece!
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Matt says:
Rosa:
The fact that you would open your wallet makes you a 100 percent better travelling companion than S. I still remember that by the end of that horrid trip I was thinking “Surprise me. Buy me one drink. Just one.” And he did — buy one lousy drink the last night.
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muldoon. says:
Matt=muldoon..
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Tilly says:
Matt:
I sooo agree with you…”the only thing that an S understands is dollars and cents”. Yes!
My ex psychopath was totally ruled by money. ALL of his narcissitic supply relied on him having money to go golfing everyday, drink everyday, shout the bar and pay all his kids bills. All of his control relied on money. He went to any lengths to get it.
He got the sack from his employer (a dentist) for not turning up to work because he was too hungover. When he did turn up,he was drunk and vulgar. So he sued the employer, for breaking his contract. Then he got insurance for stress from the dental board, (to the tune of over 100,00 aussie dollars). I didn’t find out until I was leaving. I saw the cheques. He told me he was broke and borrowing money. I had been paying for all the food, petrol and household bills.
His accountant and him also had “pretend companies” for tax fraud.
I wrote to the Dental Board and Taxation Office, but I did not get a reply. I had only offered to be interviewed or to be a witness in court should they need me. I did not supply any details as I did not write down the details when I saw them on his computer. There is nothing else I can do as I don’t have the details.
You are so right! It is awesome that you don’t have to deal with him at all, while you get him, it is the icing on the cake! Go Matt!
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Tilly says:
P.S. He would be too fat for the same orange jump suit now…they will have to issue him a new one when he is back in there soon.
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Matt says:
Hi all.
I had to pull this article up tonight to remind myself how far I have come. You see, it was four year ago today that I met the sociopath discussed in this article.
When Donna first posted this article, someone commented that I had written a textbook descrition on how a sociopath operates and how a relationship with a sociopath progresses. What I didn’t know at the time is how you can come out a far better person after being left totally destroyed by a sociopath.
To the newcomers out there, I want to tell you that it is possible to survive this and come out of this a far happier and stronger person than you ever thought possible. But, it requires a lot of work on your part. Because the thing that I didn’t get at the time I first posted on this website is that yes, I was a victim. But, not only did I have to get to the bottom of why I became a victim, but I had to also figure out what I wanted and deserved not only from a partner, but out of life.
In my case, the end of the sociopath was not the end of the chaos in my life. A few months later I lost my job and was out of work for a year. However, I was able to figure out what made me a victim (a malignant narcissist mother and sociopath father), what I could do to protect myself (starting with stop being a people pleaser) and learning to draw boundaries, and what I wanted and deserved from a partner.
When I got really clear on the last part of the above-equation things began to turn around in my life. I met a really great guy who I’ve been with over 2 years. It is the firist time in my life that I’m with a caregiver, not a taker. He is genuinely kind. He is financially responsible. He is loyal. When he isn’t around I don’t go crazy wondering what he is up to.
After a year out of work I found my dream job in DC. Although I hated to give up my life in NYC, I am building a great life in DC. I’ve moved into a great house there. And am starting to make some new friends.
Is change frightening? You betcha. There were times I was absolutely terrified of stepping off into the unknown. But, I did it. You can do it. You’ve already taken the first step. You got the sociopath out of your life, or you are in the process of doing so. To me that is the sign that you realize that you need to change your life. And after that first step, it all gets easier.
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