Comments on: After the sociopath, learning to trust again http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:57:46 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: Matt http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-22845 Matt Thu, 08 Jan 2009 04:01:46 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-22845 Justbec: Welcome. I can so relate to your situation -- and I'm a gay man. But, as you learn on this site, gay, straight, the sociopath's playbook is always the same. For me I knew the end was drawing near when I finally realized that I couldn't walk on eggshells anymore. At that point I was ready to crack like an egg myself. Mine ex-S, like your's was extravagent -- always with my money of course. And even though I am very successful professionally and my S was not (and an ex-con to boot) he still always made me feel like I was nobody without him. And the accusation about being concerned about work and education -- that's a classic. Basically, he's turning your ambition to create a better life for yourself (and him, the lazy ass), but turning it against you because he's losing his control over you. See the movie "Educating Rita". You would really relate to it and see a lot of yourself reflected in it. My shrink always tells me that I have the rare ability to size up a person in 10 seconds. And I always could and it served me well in my profession. Something tells me that you will find a way to get that house for yourself and your kids. But, you're not going to do it until your S is out of your life. Sometimes we have to put our dreams to the side for a little bit to finish up old business. The fact you're on Lovefraud tells me you're taking the first steps to finish up that business. If you need something to think about to make things seem less bleak, start researching those housing programs without telling him. Knowledge is power. Get your plans in place to buy your place. When you're ready to make your move, dump his sorry ass and file for divorce. Then buy the house. Think how satisfying it will feel to know you showed him what you did while he was demolishing you and what you can do now that you aren't surrounded with his negativity. Justbec:

Welcome. I can so relate to your situation — and I’m a gay man. But, as you learn on this site, gay, straight, the sociopath’s playbook is always the same.

For me I knew the end was drawing near when I finally realized that I couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. At that point I was ready to crack like an egg myself.

Mine ex-S, like your’s was extravagent — always with my money of course. And even though I am very successful professionally and my S was not (and an ex-con to boot) he still always made me feel like I was nobody without him.

And the accusation about being concerned about work and education — that’s a classic. Basically, he’s turning your ambition to create a better life for yourself (and him, the lazy ass), but turning it against you because he’s losing his control over you. See the movie “Educating Rita”. You would really relate to it and see a lot of yourself reflected in it.

My shrink always tells me that I have the rare ability to size up a person in 10 seconds. And I always could and it served me well in my profession. Something tells me that you will find a way to get that house for yourself and your kids. But, you’re not going to do it until your S is out of your life.

Sometimes we have to put our dreams to the side for a little bit to finish up old business. The fact you’re on Lovefraud tells me you’re taking the first steps to finish up that business.

If you need something to think about to make things seem less bleak, start researching those housing programs without telling him. Knowledge is power. Get your plans in place to buy your place. When you’re ready to make your move, dump his sorry ass and file for divorce. Then buy the house.

Think how satisfying it will feel to know you showed him what you did while he was demolishing you and what you can do now that you aren’t surrounded with his negativity.

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]]> By: Healing Heart http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-22830 Healing Heart Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:55:04 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-22830 Welcome JustBec! One of the things we have all been encouraging each other about here at LF is embracing the idea that we all DESERVE to have a happy life - we all deserve to take care of ourselves, make healthy choices for ourselves, and to love and take care of people who will reciprocate the love, respect, and kindess, we show them. And, importantly, the most critical relationship that we should just immerse and surround with light and love, is the relationship with ourselves. I just met you, justbec, but I know, for a fact, that you deserve a beautiful life with love, respect, and kindness. Welcome JustBec! One of the things we have all been encouraging each other about here at LF is embracing the idea that we all DESERVE to have a happy life – we all deserve to take care of ourselves, make healthy choices for ourselves, and to love and take care of people who will reciprocate the love, respect, and kindess, we show them. And, importantly, the most critical relationship that we should just immerse and surround with light and love, is the relationship with ourselves.

I just met you, justbec, but I know, for a fact, that you deserve a beautiful life with love, respect, and kindness.

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]]> By: justbec http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-22827 justbec Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:42:54 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-22827 Since I was 15 I lived and later married whom I now understand could be a sociopath. I have wondered why I was alwas stupid dumb f* mother* idiote etc. I have lived walking on egg shells. The only peace I get is when he is commenting on how hot a girl is or how that girl would easily sleep with him as he is genguinly a charmer. When we go out he extravegantly tips gets to know the managers and has bought birthday cakes for the managers. He tells me that this is the way its done"just like the italians do it". You have to greese the hand. He tells me that's why me with out him, I'm nobody. I have always been unassertive and eager to please. He also rubs his religion in my face. He says things like, the world is ending and all I care is about work and education. After he is done unloading his anger on me, lasting days at time. He'll say pimpy I love you I just want us to be happily married couple. Then he'll say that I have to be more amorous towards him and things will change. Its been 18 years now we have children. We still live with his mom, he won't move until I find a way of buying a house with some super free govt grant that I'm to lazy to find. Yea I've had it but with kids now my options seem bleeker. As I write this I'm feeling guilty as I will "bring bad" to our relationship if I write or discuss my feelings. I'm starting to feel a little less in touch with reality. This has been draining. Thanks for letting me post Since I was 15 I lived and later married whom I now understand could be a sociopath. I have wondered why I was alwas stupid dumb f* mother* idiote etc. I have lived walking on egg shells. The only peace I get is when he is commenting on how hot a girl is or how that girl would easily sleep with him as he is genguinly a charmer. When we go out he extravegantly tips gets to know the managers and has bought birthday cakes for the managers. He tells me that this is the way its done”just like the italians do it”. You have to greese the hand. He tells me that’s why me with out him, I’m nobody. I have always been unassertive and eager to please. He also rubs his religion in my face. He says things like, the world is ending and all I care is about work and education. After he is done unloading his anger on me, lasting days at time. He’ll say pimpy I love you I just want us to be happily married couple. Then he’ll say that I have to be more amorous towards him and things will change. Its been 18 years now we have children. We still live with his mom, he won’t move until I find a way of buying a house with some super free govt grant that I’m to lazy to find. Yea I’ve had it but with kids now my options seem bleeker. As I write this I’m feeling guilty as I will “bring bad” to our relationship if I write or discuss my feelings. I’m starting to feel a little less in touch with reality. This has been draining. Thanks for letting me post

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]]> By: Indigoblue http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21128 Indigoblue Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:07:54 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21128 I got Your Back? Irony ! Oh, I got your Back! WHAT THE SHUCK!!!!! HUH?? Psycopath Translation = You CANNOT count on me for CHIT! LOVE JJ I got Your Back?

Irony ! Oh, I got your Back! WHAT THE SHUCK!!!!! HUH??

Psycopath Translation = You CANNOT count on me for CHIT!

LOVE JJ

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]]> By: Stargazer http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21126 Stargazer Sat, 20 Dec 2008 08:14:11 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21126 Henry, LOL!!!! In our case it would be "You have a knife stuck in your back." "Ooooh, that explains so many things!" Henry, LOL!!!! In our case it would be “You have a knife stuck in your back.” “Ooooh, that explains so many things!”

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]]> By: henry http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21115 henry Sat, 20 Dec 2008 04:28:55 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21115 muppet = puppit ~~~() muppet = puppit ~~~()

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]]> By: henry http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21114 henry Sat, 20 Dec 2008 04:27:44 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21114 I hope I can relay the humor I saw in a commercial just now. It is a preview of 'Scrubs" a puppet is in the hospital bed and the docter says well I am sorry for the bad news but you have a hand up you. The muppet's say's " That explains so many thing's....!!!!! I hope I can relay the humor I saw in a commercial just now. It is a preview of ‘Scrubs” a puppet is in the hospital bed and the docter says well I am sorry for the bad news but you have a hand up you. The muppet’s say’s ” That explains so many thing’s….!!!!!

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]]> By: lostingrief http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21094 lostingrief Sat, 20 Dec 2008 03:39:24 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21094 Iw and SG: I LOVE you guys! Iw and SG:
I LOVE you guys!

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]]> By: Iwonder http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21093 Iwonder Sat, 20 Dec 2008 03:39:14 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21093 Matt: I agree. It's no joke. My ex took my credit card (a week before I caught him with the OW) to buy $100 worth of crap at GNC but I don't think he was smart enough to write down my card numbers. Anyway, his new GF probably has cards. I saw my ex commit workers comp fraud. He told his employer he injured his shoulder at work and got surgery. When in fact, he injured his shoulder from working out. I also saw him commit Tax fraud. His sister moved from PR with her kids and asked him to claim the kids on his return and split the money with her. He claimed they lived with us. The IRS isn't that stupid. He didn't have the documentation required so he had to pay the money back. This guy is so slippery. He keeps getting away with petty crap. After we split I asked him, "what turned you into a sociopathic petty con?" Answer: "pray for me." Matt:

I agree. It’s no joke. My ex took my credit card (a week before I caught him with the OW) to buy $100 worth of crap at GNC but I don’t think he was smart enough to write down my card numbers. Anyway, his new GF probably has cards.

I saw my ex commit workers comp fraud. He told his employer he injured his shoulder at work and got surgery. When in fact, he injured his shoulder from working out. I also saw him commit Tax fraud. His sister moved from PR with her kids and asked him to claim the kids on his return and split the money with her. He claimed they lived with us. The IRS isn’t that stupid. He didn’t have the documentation required so he had to pay the money back. This guy is so slippery. He keeps getting away with petty crap. After we split I asked him, “what turned you into a sociopathic petty con?” Answer: “pray for me.”

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]]> By: Matt http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/comment-page-6/#comment-21089 Matt Sat, 20 Dec 2008 03:33:11 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/#comment-21089 Stargazer: I wouldn't put identity theft past any of them. Here's my test: if your S has ever been involved in any fraudulent activity, then protect yourself. Although I never saw my S's FICO score, it was, if possible, a negative number, since there were 15 adverse judgments and his endearing little habit of never paying bills on time, if at all. My S was the master of accusing me of "poking into his business." Of course, master mirrorers that they are, that means they have probably been poking around into YOUR business. If you walked out of the room and left your S alone with your wallet, the odds are, you will become a target for identity theft. After I came back from Greece, I not only changed the locks. I proceeded to cancel every credit card in my wallet and had new ones issued. Then I put alerts on my credit reports with all 3 reporting agencies. In 90 days I'll have to have the alerts reissued. I'm not so sure at that point I won't spend the money and have credit locks instituted with all 3 agencies. Is this an overreaction? Perhaps. Is it worth it to avoid the horror of having to undo identity theft? Absolutely. The peace of mind I've gotten from making sure he can't take my identity from me? Priceless. When the S found out about the lock change he went ballistic. He also realized that the gig was up even before I did. I just happened to beat him to the punch with respect to the credit cards, credit reports etc. Stargazer:

I wouldn’t put identity theft past any of them. Here’s my test: if your S has ever been involved in any fraudulent activity, then protect yourself.

Although I never saw my S’s FICO score, it was, if possible, a negative number, since there were 15 adverse judgments and his endearing little habit of never paying bills on time, if at all.

My S was the master of accusing me of “poking into his business.” Of course, master mirrorers that they are, that means they have probably been poking around into YOUR business. If you walked out of the room and left your S alone with your wallet, the odds are, you will become a target for identity theft.

After I came back from Greece, I not only changed the locks. I proceeded to cancel every credit card in my wallet and had new ones issued. Then I put alerts on my credit reports with all 3 reporting agencies. In 90 days I’ll have to have the alerts reissued. I’m not so sure at that point I won’t spend the money and have credit locks instituted with all 3 agencies.

Is this an overreaction? Perhaps. Is it worth it to avoid the horror of having to undo identity theft? Absolutely. The peace of mind I’ve gotten from making sure he can’t take my identity from me? Priceless.

When the S found out about the lock change he went ballistic. He also realized that the gig was up even before I did. I just happened to beat him to the punch with respect to the credit cards, credit reports etc.

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