After the sociopath, learning to trust again
PDF A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me … I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through e-mails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
sstiles54 says:
…if only the one(s) who duped us all was only one person. I still find it hard to believe that so many evil beings can exist. Mine was born in WA, moved to MI, & was working in my home state. From all the posts about locations, they’re just every where!
I definitely feel ALOT better since starting to write here, & empty the poison out of my heart & soul. I, too have learned quite a few coping tips & healing advice here. You are all a great bunch of people.
I am in the process of reading “Without Conscience”. Very scary info about the spaths in there, but very good to know, also.
All of you have a peaceful evening, & stay warm if you live in the northern part of the country.
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brenda1213 says:
these sociopath should live in their own “world with the rest o them that refuse to take meds and live in a normal society and just leave us normal residents hard working people alone….but then who would their prey be????? anyone know the answer to this question???? let me no
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Wini says:
brenda1213: Good question. We have been trying to figure out that answer for a while now. Oh, they would prey on each other, that’s a definite … but, you’d probably see them very sweaty, very nervous and jumpy all the time (because they are real cowards you know) … the stakes are high at the extreme level … they’d all have the adrenaline flying sky high … cause they all have the killer instincts and their radars would be going crazy at all times. WARNING, WARNING, WARNING … RED FLASH, RED FLASH, RED FLASH!
That’s why they like to play with all of us. We are not a threat, we are easy pickings … the ones that don’t have the predator instincts, we aren’t sharks searching for blood … we’re the BAMBIS of the world. The Peacemakers.
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Stargazer says:
Henry,
I’m thinking about what you said about the internet. It really does suck away so much of my life. The reptile site has been such a big part of my life, and look what it has gotten me in the relationship arena. That’s where I met the S and all of his backstabbing cronies. On the other hand, I read that 1 out of 8 couples meet on the internet. So there must be some redeeming value. The real problem is not the S and all his backstabbing friends, but the fact that it has all become such a big part of my life. I am really experiencing so much emptiness and a huge void in my life. My jobs do not really make me happy, and I’m not really sure what my goals in life are. I tend to get a lot of emotions building up all the time with no way to release them and no one to talk to about it. I just feel like a mess. My life has always been so much about healing. But when my own healing process gets stuck, my life just stagnates. I cannot help others. I lose my sense of purpose. It’s not the S’s fault I go through this. I read that people with Venus in Scorpio tend to have this intense build up of emotions all the time. It really sucks when I don’t know how to deal with it.
And I think it was OXY who was talking about sticking your hand in a barrel of snakes……….let me just say that I would LOVE to have a barrel of snakes to stick my hand in. That would be heaven for me! Don’t you agree, Indi? (fellow snake lover).
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Iwonder says:
My ex is 40 years old. Seems like they get better at their game with age.
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Indigoblue says:
I know Whats what when it comes to Snakes as far as the P/S/N s go , I have to use what I have gained here to try to detect them and not let my eyes decieve me again!
I recently asked a friend who was the first to say to me way before I got involved with the P. He had told me beware something is just not right about this guy! I asked him how or what gave him the insight. He said just talking to him he could tell. That was not insightfull but then he said to me , That I was blinded by lust! I don’t like to admit it but he was right and I thanked him for his attempt to help me BUTT of course I did’nt listen ! LOVE JJ
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henry says:
Star – I am not pointing a finger at you. I am just as guilty as anyone when it come to internet addiction. But I remember life before internet. I think it is great in ways but other than LF – it has taken so much of my life. I had it turned off for about a month after the X was gone. I went through withdrawl – if I went to someone’s home that had internet I had to get on and see what the peeps at LF were talkin about. If something bad happens and we lose internet we lose our friends here. Then I would get off my butt, get outside and dig in the dirt or go camping or spend time talkin to real people face to face. Internet has it’s up’s and downs – personally I think TV and internet have made the world to small. And as far as dating? well in the gay scene if you are over 29 you are a troll
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Indigoblue says:
I like it here under my Bridge
~
we all Float down here !
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Wini says:
StarG: Have you read Tolle’s book yet “A New Earth”? If not, please do so. I think learning how to go into the “now” would work wonders with you. He deducts all the basics down into this one book. Go onto Oprah.com put Tolle’s name into the search engine on her site … he’s got 10 hours worth of discussing all 10 of his chapters. Oprah is keeping them on line for people to listen to … and they are FREE. The book costs less that $15.00 and I’m sure the waiting lines at the library are down to nothing now … so you can check the book out for free there.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
LOL Henry, it’s okay to point all your fingers at me. I am a big internet addict. I don’t watch TV so there is that much more time for my addiction. I have vowed to leave the reptile site. I only posted once tonight and logged out. Pretty soon (this is predictable), all my reptile forum friends will be messaging me telling me how much they miss me and how boring the site is without me. That is the point where I usually get sucked back in. But I have to be NC with them, too, because they share other forums with the S and are acquaintances, if not friends, by proxy. I guess it took something this drastic to get me off the internet!
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Wini says:
Boy Henry is your glass half empty TONIGHT! Troll, that’s a good one. If you are a troll, then what are we? And, don’t answer that! (SMILE it is contagious you know)!
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Stargazer says:
That book is on my list, Wini. My problem is with releasing emotions and learning how to express myself. I don’t know if he addresses that in the book.
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Wini says:
StarG: Believe me, the book is all positive. It will bring you back to who and what you are as a spiritual being. Now isn’t that better than to be reading everything you can get your hands on about the likes of our EXs. Tolle’s book will turn your whole look on life around … for the better!
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henry says:
well when your X was 12 years younger and leaves you for someone 12 years younger than him – kinda makes me feel like a troll – oh well sorry wini – guess I better log into gay.com (mature) my next BF will be older and richer….or at least have his own f– vehicle
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Wini says:
Henry: My EX looked like he was my father … so what … they are still EX and have absolutely, positively NOTHING to do with who we are! PERIOD.
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Indigoblue says:
I got ya beat Henry mine was 18 yrs younger by numbers Mentally he was about 10 with a 22yr old body!
~
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lostingrief says:
henry: mine was 12 yrs younger than me, and left me for someone 12 years younger than him, too!! LOL …!
toward the end, he was making me feel like the ugliest and most undesirable woman in the world.
he was gorgeous (and so was i when we first met). but now, when i think of him, he is incredibly ugly, inside and out. he’s shallow and superficial, and he’s so beneath me i can barely see him anymore as he floats down and down and down toward the hell he has created for himself.
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lostingrief says:
… but how do i know he’s not completely happy without me?
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stormee says:
Because they are NEVER completely happy…That’s way too boring …It’s only a matter of time…
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Stargazer says:
Lostingrief,
Remember, they are not capable of experiencing real happiness or true connection. They only get a rush from playing their games. And they have to play the games over and over again to get that rush. They are forever damned only to getting the high addicts get when they get a fix. This is the best life has to offer them. My ex is apparently a permanent fixture on all the reptile sites. He has nothing else to do. He pretends he is too sick to work, and so he is bored out of his mind.
As I’ve mentioned many times, I wasn’t with my ex long enough to really get to know his character until the final discard, when it all came crashing down. But there were little glimpses along the way. I’m remembering now. One time he was waiting for me to get ready to go out. He was sitting on my sofa listening to Cold Play. I got this eerie feeling–I remember it very clearly–that the person I was falling in love with doesn’t seem to have any depth or substance. It was the way he was sitting there, nervous and preoccupied. It was as if when I left the room, he didn’t exist. I got little glimpses of the lack of passion or connection when we were spending time together. It’s hard to explain. When you scratch beneath the surface of the act, there really is nothing there.
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lostingrief says:
star: you’re right. one time my ex was leaning on the mantle staring at himself in the mirror — HE WAS ALWAYS LOOKING IN THE MIRROR … (i wonder why?) anyway, i said something like, ‘are you so empty inside that you have to obsess about your appearance?” he replied (in a serious voice) “i’m COMPLETELY empty inside.” i was shocked.
hmmm…maybe he did speak truth once or twice in his 40 years.
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lostingrief says:
stormee: i’m kind of obsessing lately about how happy he probably is. new, hot, young girlfriend. new apartment to live in. new sexual partner. new money to pilfer. new baby on the way.
AND, he still has his wife (as far as i know), his beautiful kids, his house, his career, his friends, his family. and i’m all alone.
it really bothers me that i get dumped after years and years of commitment to him, and i don’t even get a ‘thank you’ or an apology for all the shit he put me through.
and he moves on his merry way, not a care in the world.
there is no justice, is there.
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Stargazer says:
LIG, you keep getting stuck on thinking he is “happy”. I think a skillet is in order here. BOINK!!!! He may act all happy and confident, but it is just the mask. Don’t let the mask fool you. You should pity his poor baby and the new woman he’s cheating on his wife with. He will destroy their lives just like he tried to destroyed yours. I say “tried” because you WILL get over this. You just need to see him for what he is. Only humans feel happiness.
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lostingrief says:
star: thanks for the whack in the head. oxdrover will probably be comin’ around to second that!
i do get stuck there, don’t i?! and i HATE the thought that he’s happy. after four months of NC, i’m more curious than ever if he actually left his wife. i can’t imagine he can have a baby with a new female and his wife not know about it, right?! geesh.
but they’re young and beautiful women and i was with him for 20+ years. why would he leave them. he hasn’t left his wife and he’s been with her for 16 years. if he was making her miserable, what’s she still doing sticking around?
eh, i’ll never understand this. just have to maintain NC. i think i’m doing pretty damn good for only four months spath-free!
TOWANDA!!!
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Stargazer says:
LIG, you seem to be doing awesome. You just keep getting stuck in these little thought bubbles that make you feel bad, and also they’re not accurate. You have got to find some way to rewire those thought patterns in your brain. OMG, when I start to notice how much younger and beautiful all the girls are in Denver, I can get pretty depressed. What good does it do to focus on that? So why focus on your ex and what kind of fun he’s having? Who cares? He is doomed to fail, no matter what. This is not even something you have to make happen. He will do it all by himself. The laws of karma are a given and you can trust in them. So you are free to focus on yourself. Even if your self-esteem is low sometimes, at least it is your issue to focus on. You are doing great, LIG. Believe in yourself, and believe in the laws of karma. (((hugs)))
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lostingrief says:
star: yea, karma. he’s been leaving a trail of destruction behind him since i met him. i just never thought he’d do it to me. karma has never caught up to him once in all these years. he’s still as carefree as he was when he was 15.
but i have to believe in some sort of justice, and in the laws of the universe unfolding in perfect order.
i’ll go meditate on that before i sleep ….
thanks.
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Stargazer says:
He will get his, LIG. Sometimes it take years. I am truly sorry for all the pain he has caused you. No one deserves this.
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Matt says:
Lostingrief:
“But they’re young and beautiful women and i was with him for 20+ years. why would he leave them. he hasn’t left his wife and he’s been with her for 16 years. if he was making her miserable, what’s she still doing sticking around?”
Whoa! Grab the reins, girl. Time for a little perspective. We’re here on Lovefraud BECAUSE WE FINALLY GOT IT!!! We couldn’t stand the abuse and the cheating and walking on eggshells and on and on and on because we finally realized if we didn’t get out we would die.
Every marriage or relationship has tradeoffs, and she’s no doubt made her deal with the devil. She is staying in this marriage for the money or the status or whatever her reasons. Her tradeoff? She has probably shut down emotionally. Or worse. That was something we couldn’t do, thank God.
We all have a chance to heal and move forward onto real, fulfilling relationships. She will never have that option as long as she stays married to the sociopath.
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Healing Heart says:
I used to wonder if my ex S loved and treated his ex-wife better than he loved and treated me because she stayed around – and kept taking him back. It turns out he treats her a helluva lot worse than he treated me. He abuses her terribly verbally and emotionally, cheated on her constantly, abandoned her when she had baby twin newborns…was just a monster. But she keeps taking him back. She will dump any guy she’s with the second the S wants to come back (and its always when she hooks up with a new guy). At times I had such ill will toward her when she was sleeping with my ex when he was living with me – and I was jealous. But the fact is, I’m the survivor, I got OUT. Although my self esteem isn’t fabulous, it’s good enough that I got out. And she’s stuck – and what a miserable life it is. She definitely made some deal with the devil. And any deal made with the devil is a raw deal. The devil doesn’t make fair deals. The devil ONLY rapes.
LG – his “beautiful” wife has an unimaginably horrible life. There’s no question, there’s no good life with an S. You are so much better off, your life is so much better than hers.
We are lucky. And from what I have seen (at least with my ex) we are in the minority. Most people seem to stay in the dance for a very long time, most people seem to lose their life to the dance.
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Matt says:
Healing Heart:
Isn’t that the hell of it? My ex would express concern for his most recent ex — mediating fights between the ex and his newest boyfriend. When he saw two exes ago who had become a priest, he was all concerned that the guy needed new clothes and he should send him some (they hadn’t spoken in 8 years).
The last time we spoke I told him point blank that I thought he was still in love with his ex (not that they’re capable of loving anybody, but he clearly held onto him). I now look at how I listened to this crap and I get furious at myself for not getting rid of him.
My self-esteem was obviously nonexistent at that time. But man am I grateful my self-esteem kicked in and I kicked him out. Instead of staying n the dance, I now have a new dance card. No sociopaths need apply.
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Healing Heart says:
I like that! NEW dance card! With no slots for sociopaths!
I think that S never really leave any relationship. Because we are their possessions, they never want to give us up. I think my S actually idealized his ex-wife when he wasn’t with her, but then devalued and discarded her everytime she took him back. And although he seemed to be repulsed by me in the end of our relationship(that was so painful), now he seems to be idealizing me again (we’ve been broken up for 9 months, I’ve been NC [on my side] for 3.5). I bet his current girlfriend(s) is tormented by thoughts of me – that he loved me more, treated me better because now he is devaluing her and discarding her – and now he’s back to thinking that I’m his soulmate.
It’s interesting that LG talked about her ex being with someone young and beautiful. I am younger and better looking than his ex-wife and his last gf and his next gf, yet I still feel sometimes, that they are all somehow better than me, more desirable in some way…..but it doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with us, how young we are, how goodlooking, how smart. They will do what they do – which is idealize, exploit, discard, and then attempt to re-engage so they can exploit some more. It has nothing, whatosever, to do with us.
I’m so glad you got out. i’m so glad I got out…..and that I have you all to help me stay out. THANK YOU
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Matt says:
Healing Heart:
One of my friends has a wife who is borderline. He says that she “garages” a couple of her exs — when she has a falling out with him or somebody else, she pulls one of the garaged exs out for awhile. And these men are all willing to go along with his (still dancing the dance).
My colleague I had dinner with tonight made an intersting observation. He said the next time S is arrested, any odds I want to make, he’ll cover, that S will call me for bail money. And the seeking out, sucking dry and shoving us away, contnues.
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Stargazer says:
Remember, there is really no substance to a sociopath. When I was with my S, he always took my side and defended me when one of our reptile friends mistreated me. He would swear that he “had my back” and would not ever talk with or blog with that person. I think he believed what he was saying at the time. The very next day, I would see him talking with the very people he said he would never talk to. When confronted, he always had some sort of excuse or pretended he didn’t know it was the same person. His excuses seemed so believable. It’s as though he really believed his own lies.
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lostingrief says:
matt:
why, though, do you think he mediated fights and wanted to buy him clothes? if they don’t love, then what is their reason for defending anyone? why would they talk about how much they ‘love’ their exs or their kids or their co-workers … people they basically torture … or not?
i thought it might be that they think of anyone they have had anything to do with as their possessions.
interested to hear your take.
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lostingrief says:
star:
yea, i heard for years how my ex ‘had my back.’ geesh. he used those exact words, too. what they must have meant is that they would do ANYTHING behind our back!
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Matt says:
Lostingrief:
I think 2 things are at work with them.
First, they do view us as possessions. I think my S’s reason for trying to get enmeshed in the lives of his exes was: (1) control and (2) that his own internal life was so empty and he had so few friends that anybody who would give him access he’d take the opening and run with it. Of course, give him an opening, and he’d be back to his old tricks in no time at all. Bottom line, there’s no love from him, just viewing people as supply.
Second, when they reconnect with an ex, they feel that the past they had with this person has been obliterated and they can go back to getting what they want from the victim. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day. Unfortunately, the sociopath always reverts true to form and the victim always wakes up again to what is going on. And the devalue and discard takes place again, and so it goes.
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Iwonder says:
Healing Heart: You are so right about the wife. She’s living in hell so you can’t be jealous of her. Remember I wrote about how I contacted my ex’s x-wife? She confirmed her life with the S was a living hell of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Same crap.
LIG: I remember your ex spit in your face like mine did to me. Guess what? He spit in the face of his ex-wife too. She told me so. Therefore, the other women are getting spit on. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not let that happen to me again. I certainly do not miss it.
This current victim my ex is with is a little younger than me but not as attractive. But looks, brains, personality, age have nothing to do with choosing a new victim. Their targets are those whose hearts are beautiful, loving and giving. It’s like taking candy from a baby. Their “I love you” means “I own you.” “I am entitled to everything you own.” I feel so sorry for the current victim. She is giving everything and yet getting nothing back but empty promises.
You are fun, intelligent, good-hearted, and pretty so stop beating yourself up comparing yourself to the other victims. They are being duped. You gave everything you had out of the kindness of your heart. You finally had enough kicked him to the curb. You are the winner. Think of what you can do with all the extra money you were spending on the jerk. You can buy yourself new clothes, get manicures, pedicures, go on a trip, whatever your heart desires to nourish your soul. Hell, my ex was costing me $800 – $1000 a month extra in living expenses. Now that he’s gone, I can afford the gym and the new wardrobe from losing the weight from the gym. I am spending the extra money on sprucing up my condo with a new paint job.
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Wini says:
Iwonder: Don’t forget the anti-social personalities in society hide behind getting “normal” people to do the same destructive behavior … young teenage boys being patted on the back for sewing their wild oats … young teenage girls thinking it’s normal to have many boyfriends. Through the years, normal society thinks anti-social antics are a right of passage and that the teenagers or children will just grow out of it in time.
Where is the school system setting these children right? Where are the clergy? The employers? The whole system has let every anti-social personality slip through the cracks. There has to be a checking system from early childhood on … to report, report, report! Don’t let me get started how college is the worst violators …and encouraged anti-social personalities … cheat on your EXAMs or sleep with your professors to get that 4.0 average. Lie, cheat, steal ideas to get ahead. Write your papers the way we want to see them and you’ll get an A (just stroke the Narcissistic professor) don’t get anything for original ideas. What a cookie cutter shame the college system is!
Peace, I’m doing my breathing now.
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Healing Heart says:
God, I am so grateful for this blog. The last 24 hours has been challenging for me, and this has been a tremendous outlet and source of support.
A couple of you said that your ex S used the statement “got your back.” Mine did too! Those exact words – which I remember thinking was a bit weird (immature, and outdated expression) in that he was 42 years old. And SO not true. He didn’t have ANYBODY’S back but his own. After I threw him out, he said he “would take a bullet for me.” Again, just weird. He would lie, cheat, abuse…but would take a bullet? I remember saying “that’s totally meaningless” and he looked surprised and hurt, like he thought the had just said something profound and couldn’t believe I didn’t swoon.
I wish all of his ex’s, and “garaged” ex’s, in particular, would stand up to him. Maybe he’d learn and would stop hurting so many people. He doesn’t pay too much for what he does. And he’s this goodlooking and charismatic guy that always attracts women. He’s usually juggling. In spite of being attractive, he tends to seek out women without a lot of prospects who would be dependent on him. Women with multiple of children, women without careers, women without a lot of choices. I think one of the reasons I CAN leave him is that I do have a lot more freedom, opportunity, and choices than most of his targets. And enough self-esteem….and enough resilience and determination for survival that I would find a supportive community (You awesome people) who would hold my hand and help me through.
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Stargazer says:
HH, in retrospect, I think when my ex said he “got my back” he meant he drew a little X where the knife was to go. But it’s funny how he tried so hard to convince me that he “wasn’t like other guys”, how he “didn’t play the games they play” etc., etc. He got that right. After the break up I easily forgave the other guys who had hurt me because compared to him, they were like angels. He really did come off like a mature, laid back, and nurturing man. Most amazing likeness of a human I’ve ever seen.
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Healing Heart says:
I know, SG! My ex came across, at first, as the nicest, most thoughtful, guy! He really come across as compassionate. Which is remarkable, because he totally lacks compassion. HAS NONE, and admitted it at one point after our break up. But he came across as truly compassionate!! I thought he was actually MORE compassionate than other people. But, that mask slipped as soon as it was really tested.
You said something in a past blog about having an eerie feeling that your Ex S didn’t exist if you weren’t in the room. I totally had that same feeling at times. My Ex is so empty that he HAS to be with someone else in order for there to be the presence of soul and self in the room. I think that’s why he almost manic about making sure he is always with a woman. He is so empty that he doesn’t exist alone. They are such emotional vampires – feeding off other people.
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Matt says:
Stargazer and Healing Heart:
Yeah, my S also got my back — with the big old knife he stabbed me with right after he got done ripping my heart out.
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Healing Heart says:
HA! That must be what they meant by having our backs – for stabbing…. They DID have our backs…in fact, they did a lot of things behind our backs and then did a lot of stabbing of our backs. They were all about our backs….
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Iwonder says:
Matt:
I can relate to the garage theory. My ex is good at that. He actually told me he would work on himself and come back. He also left things in my garage for 5 months. This was his way of having an excuse to re-connect. But i took the stuff up to his GF’s house and put it on the lawn. So I can’t be “garaged” anymore….literally.
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Stargazer says:
And the funny thing is all the while he was stabbing me in the back, it never once occurred to him that I would turn him in to the army and foil his fraud. So confident was he that he had me wrapped around his finger and that what he did to me was no big deal. I just want to give you an example of the craziness. On July 4, he told me his divorce would be final in a few days (which was a lie). We were intimate that night. He professed his undying love and made a date to bring his little girl up to see me the next day. Instead, I saw him posting on the reptile site. No call. No show. Blew me off when I confronted him. Said he had no excuse. I received the following email 2 days later, leading to final series of emails below:
S: Sherri, I’m sorry. I have no excuse. You deserve better. I’ll always love you though.
Me: What a mean and cowardly way to break up with someone!
S: I’m not breaking up with you. I just figured you’d never want to see me again.
Me: Can you just tell me why?
S: I don’t know. I wanted to [come over]. I just didn’t.
Me: There are many things I could say to you. But I suspect karma in your case will be a real bitch.
S: I hope we can work this out. (!!!!! Side note. He wants to “work it out” but didn’t even tell me why he stood me up!)
Me: [no response]
S: [2 days later] So does this mean you never want to talk to me again?
Me: No only that, but if I ever hear from you or see you posting on RTB (reptile site) again, I will contact your platoon sargeant and wife and turn you in for adultery. I have saved all your emails and voice mails in case you don’t believe me. You are a horrible and deceitful person who doesn’t take responsiblity for his actions and their effect on others. Go play your games elsewhere.
*********************************************
That was our last communication. He continued to post on the reptile site as if nothing was wrong. A month later I turned him in. That’s when his army sargeant told me they suspected he was faking a medical condition and called me as a key witness.
So the S shot himself in the foot. Do you see how crazy the communication is? Anybody else have crazy conversation stories to share? Where you’re left scratching your head and wondering, “What the hell was that?”
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justabouthealed says:
Oh god yes!!! Tons of them! Like the time he planned a vacation with me for three months, we started out, I gave him an early birthday present that cost $500 to add to a collection he has. He went to breakfast while I finished dressing, and he came back and told me to go home! And I said “What?! If I had gone to breakfast everything would be fine???” and he simply said “Maybe.”
I told that story to my therapist and she said “You do realize that isn’t normal behavior don’t you?” And I said “Maybe.”
I was still in the fog…..
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justabouthealed says:
PS Stargazer….I got almost the exact same words…the I’m sorry, you deserve better, love ya!
YUCKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And good for you! My last message was a threatening email also, to go to the authorities also if he ever dares even show his face, email, phone, write….any of that. And I pointed out that two girlfriends have copies of the evidence!
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Matt says:
Stargazer:
That pompous, pedantic prick I was involved with was a veritable font of crazy conversations.
For example, one day S proclaimed self-righteously “I have no baggage.” I said “You don’t get to adulthood without acquiring some baggage. My only concern is whether it’s organized in the baggage compartment.” He proceeded to browbeat me saying “I left all my baggage on the platform when I was sent to prison.” I’m pretty sure there’s an oxymoron in that last statement.
Or the moment when I swore that I was having an auditory and a visula hallucination when he told me “I love dogs.” and proceeded to shove a sock over the head of a friend’s Yorkie and thought it was funny.
Maybe we need a section on this site called “He said WHAT?”
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Stargazer says:
Wow, I swear these S’s all went to the same school. They must have had to write on the board 1000 times: “Sorry, you deserve better. I’ll always love you though.” Before I even knew what an S was, long before I found this site, I knew he had discarded me and refused to take responsibility for for the discard. It was the craziest thing I’d ever seen. I knew there was just no way I could take him back after that, even though he wanted to “work it out”. What is there to work out? His pathological lying? Thank God I realized this and got out before I got smeared and devalued.
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Stargazer says:
Matt, I laughed so hard when I read your post. ha ha ha ha ha. Mentioning he had no baggage in the same sentence as him going to prison…..ROFLMAO!!!!!!! How could you keep from laughing? It’s good that amidst all the devastation they leave in their wake we can laugh as some of the totally ridiculous things they say and do.
Here is another good laugh for you. I’m sure most people here have already heard this story. I did run into my ex 3 weeks after the discard. My friend and I saw him at a reptile expo. He did not say one word to me, but followed me around and stood beside me at every vendor’s booth. It was very creepy. At one place we stopped, he came up behind me so close my friend thought he was trying to smell my hair. (I did not know he was there at the time). So my friend, who happened to be carrying my newly-purchased snake hook jabbed him in the crotch with the hook. When it didn’t work, he jabbed him harder and almost caught his zipper. LOLOLOL The S then backed off with his hands up in the air and quietly exited the show for the day. When my friend told me what happened, I laughed so hard I almost choked on my lunch. If they weren’t so tragic, S’s could be very entertaining! I really had to restrain myself from starting a blog on the reptile site called “Player gets hooked”. I really had a special moment to myself thinking how the last time I saw the S, he was getting jabbed in the crotch with a snake hook.
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