After the sociopath, learning to trust again
PDF A Lovefraud reader posted the following comment awhile back:
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us? Unfortunately for me … I have run across a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself, who is this person really? Do they have a secret life like the Scott Petersons and Ted Bundys of this world? I don’t let my children out of my sight and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just can’t trust anyone.
Yes, it is possible to trust again. Remember, sociopaths account for 1% to 4% of the population, depending on how the personality disorder is defined. Let’s bump the number of disordered people up to 10% to account for those who have sociopathic traits, but maybe not the full disorder.
That still means that 90% of the population are not sociopaths, and may be deserving of our trust.
So how can we feel trust again? How do we determine whom to trust? I think there are four components to being able to feel trust, and deciding who deserves to be trusted.
1. Educate ourselves
One of the statements I’ve heard over and over again, through e-mails and phone calls from victims, is this: “I didn’t know such evil existed.” Well, now we know.
We’ve all learned, mostly the hard way, about sociopaths. Now that we know they exist, we need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the patterns of behavior that may indicate someone is disordered. Lies, irresponsibility, vague answers to questions, no long-term friends, new in town, magnetic charm, lavish flattery, statements that don’t add up, flashes of violence—if we start seeing the signs, we need to put up our guard.
2. Believe our own instincts
Just about everyone who was victimized by a sociopath had early warning signs—a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, an instinctive revulsion, questions about what was seen or heard. Unfortunately, we ignored the signals.
We didn’t believe the signals for three reasons:
- We didn’t have the empirical knowledge that evil exists (see above), so we didn’t know how interpret them.
- We viewed ourselves as open-minded individuals, and believed that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
- We allowed the sociopath to explain away our questions and doubts.
Never again. We should never doubt our instincts. In fact, we should train ourselves to pay attention to our instincts. Our intuition is absolutely the best tool we have for steering clear of sociopaths.
3. Make people earn our trust
I had a blind spot. I am a forthright, trustworthy person. I would never think of lying to someone. Unfortunately, I thought everyone else was like me. Big mistake. My younger brother’s life philosophy is probably more useful. His rule of thumb: “Everyone is an a**hole until proven otherwise.”
The point is that we should not give our trust away indiscriminately. People must earn our trust by consistent, reliable and truthful behavior.
Important caveat: Sociopaths often appear to be trustworthy, dependable and honest in the beginning, while they’re trying to hook us. So if the good behavior slips, and bad behavior starts to appear, we must recognize the change as a big red flag.
4. Process our pain
I think the biggest roadblock to being able to trust again is our own pain. After an encounter with a sociopath, we’ve been deceived, betrayed, injured, emotionally crushed. We are angry and bitter, and rightfully so. But if we want to move on, we can’t keep carrying the pain around.
To get rid of the pain, we must allow ourselves to feel it.
I recommend that, either privately or with the guidance of a good therapist, we let the tears and curses flow. Expressing the pain physically, without hurting yourself or others, also helps. My favorite technique was pounding pillows with my fists. You may want to stomp your feet, twist towels or chop wood.
For more on this, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.
Trust and love
It is important to be able to trust again. Doubting and disbelieving everyone we meet is a dismal way to live. If we cannot recover our trust in humanity, the sociopath who plagued us will have truly won.
The difference is that after the sociopath, we must practice informed trust. We know the red flags of a sociopath, and in evaluating a person, we don’t see them. Our intuition is giving us the green light. The person has proven, and continues to prove, to be trustworthy. These are the intellectual aspects of trust.
By doing the work of exorcising our pain, we clear away the roadblocks to feeling trust emotionally. It’s crucial to be able to feel trust, because that’s what paves the way for love.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Indigoblue says:
Here is the Game
It’s Poker! Sweet!
Ok Your Father has stacked the deck for you and the Game is allready Won!
You don’t have to count your Money because You did’nt need any to begin with!
In the game of Life you are constantly counting your money to see where you are! But the game is’nt over! And your Father is the Dealer. Who has already stacked the deck In your favor!
So stop counting your money and start enjoying the Game! LOVE JJ
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Stargazer says:
OMG, we should totally start a blog called, “He said WHAT?”
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Iwonder says:
Here’s a good one for you. Mine said to me one time, “I could never cheat on a woman while living with her.” What a liar. I can’t believe this OW who knew he was living with me and accepted it was ok to be with him. What is she thinking?? The behaviour was staring her right in the face. One big red flag waving. One huge sign posted “warning” and she didn’t get it. I’m sure she’s getting it now. He’s all comfy cozy in her home. By now he has infiltrated and annihilated. He has his paws on her car, her money and has probably isolated her and brainwashed her into a walking, talking puppet.
When he first moved into my place, he went through my home with a fine tooth comb…looking for any history of mine like photos of exes, checking the computer emails, checking my cell phone, looking at my bank account records, even my health records. I’m telling you, this guy is good. He wants to know EVERYTHING about you. Of course, he had no paper trails or records because he moves from place to place with a garbage back of clothes and a minimum of tangibles.
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Matt says:
Iwonder:
When you mentioned him looking for photos of exes, etc, you just brought another entry for the “He said WHAT?”.
On the night of our final showdown, S walked into my living room and said “What happened to the photo of the two of us that was on your mantle?” As it so happened, my maid had knocked off my mantle while dusting and the glass had shattered.
S didn’t believe me. So, I pulled the photo, still covered with shattered glass, out of a drawer. His response? “Oh, at least you were able to save that lovely frame.” Right.
Yet another example of “And other than that small incident, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?”
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Matt says:
Stargazer:
Cracked up when I read your story about the snake hook. Assuming your’s screwed around behind your back the same as mine, there is a certain … poetic justice on a snake hook behind used on his …
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Matt says:
Sorry for the typo. Meant to say …poetic justice on a snake hook BEING used on his …
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Stargazer says:
Matt, mine was married but told me they’d file for divorce through the army, and it would come through any day. He said they were living separately for months. All lies. And yes, who knows who else he was screwing around with while he was “in love” with me.
Really, I think it’s just cheaper and easier to go out and find a blood sucking leech and attach it to your skin. I wish I’d done that and saved myself the trouble.
We should be lucky our exes did not steal our identies while they were in our homes going through our stuff. I don’t think mine was after my money because I don’t have any. He was just after the sex.
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Stargazer says:
I think the all time best lie, though, is “I got your back”. They forgot to add “with a knife”, which would make the statement true.
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lostingrief says:
hi y’all …
got two ‘private caller’ calls today, and no one left a message. i know it was him. probably too snowy to drive back home to the wife, and the prego girlfriend is probably getting on his nerves by now (or figuring him out and is already nagging and hating him).
Iw: my ex spit in his wife’s face too. his mom told me that before she passed away. when i told her he did it to me too, she cried. poor thing.
now, as he lives in a bigger apt with his new pregnant gf, i wonder why he was so happy that this girl got pregnant? i thought they hate responsibility. but i guess that solidifies her as his property.
i’m doing better today. as i hope all of you are …
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Iwonder says:
LIG:
Good to hear from you. I’m telling you, he’s going to spit in the GF’s face too, and he will lose interest in her too. The pregnant GF is in for a lot of heartache. I thank God i did not get pregnant with my ex…he wanted to. I said no. Not unless we are married first. See, he was just trying to hook me by having a baby with him. If he truly loved me and wanted to start a family, he would have married me first. See, he has 7 kids out there with 4 different women and never married any of them. What was going to make me different???
Please don’t be jealous of the GF LIG!
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Stargazer says:
LIG: So he’s got a pregnant gf, and he’s calling you anonymously. Yeah, I’ll bet she’s really happy about that. Oh wait, she doesn’t know. He’s doing it behind her back. Sounds like a set-up for a truly happy relationship to me. Don’t you wish you were her? NOT! Be glad, glad, glad it’s not you.
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Matt says:
Stargazer:
I wouldn’t put identity theft past any of them. Here’s my test: if your S has ever been involved in any fraudulent activity, then protect yourself.
Although I never saw my S’s FICO score, it was, if possible, a negative number, since there were 15 adverse judgments and his endearing little habit of never paying bills on time, if at all.
My S was the master of accusing me of “poking into his business.” Of course, master mirrorers that they are, that means they have probably been poking around into YOUR business. If you walked out of the room and left your S alone with your wallet, the odds are, you will become a target for identity theft.
After I came back from Greece, I not only changed the locks. I proceeded to cancel every credit card in my wallet and had new ones issued. Then I put alerts on my credit reports with all 3 reporting agencies. In 90 days I’ll have to have the alerts reissued. I’m not so sure at that point I won’t spend the money and have credit locks instituted with all 3 agencies.
Is this an overreaction? Perhaps. Is it worth it to avoid the horror of having to undo identity theft? Absolutely. The peace of mind I’ve gotten from making sure he can’t take my identity from me? Priceless.
When the S found out about the lock change he went ballistic. He also realized that the gig was up even before I did. I just happened to beat him to the punch with respect to the credit cards, credit reports etc.
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Iwonder says:
Matt:
I agree. It’s no joke. My ex took my credit card (a week before I caught him with the OW) to buy $100 worth of crap at GNC but I don’t think he was smart enough to write down my card numbers. Anyway, his new GF probably has cards.
I saw my ex commit workers comp fraud. He told his employer he injured his shoulder at work and got surgery. When in fact, he injured his shoulder from working out. I also saw him commit Tax fraud. His sister moved from PR with her kids and asked him to claim the kids on his return and split the money with her. He claimed they lived with us. The IRS isn’t that stupid. He didn’t have the documentation required so he had to pay the money back. This guy is so slippery. He keeps getting away with petty crap. After we split I asked him, “what turned you into a sociopathic petty con?” Answer: “pray for me.”
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lostingrief says:
Iw and SG:
I LOVE you guys!
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henry says:
I hope I can relay the humor I saw in a commercial just now. It is a preview of ‘Scrubs” a puppet is in the hospital bed and the docter says well I am sorry for the bad news but you have a hand up you. The muppet’s say’s ” That explains so many thing’s….!!!!!
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henry says:
muppet = puppit ~~~()
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Stargazer says:
Henry, LOL!!!! In our case it would be “You have a knife stuck in your back.” “Ooooh, that explains so many things!”
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Indigoblue says:
I got Your Back?
Irony ! Oh, I got your Back! WHAT THE SHUCK!!!!! HUH??
Psycopath Translation = You CANNOT count on me for CHIT!
LOVE JJ
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justbec says:
Since I was 15 I lived and later married whom I now understand could be a sociopath. I have wondered why I was alwas stupid dumb f* mother* idiote etc. I have lived walking on egg shells. The only peace I get is when he is commenting on how hot a girl is or how that girl would easily sleep with him as he is genguinly a charmer. When we go out he extravegantly tips gets to know the managers and has bought birthday cakes for the managers. He tells me that this is the way its done”just like the italians do it”. You have to greese the hand. He tells me that’s why me with out him, I’m nobody. I have always been unassertive and eager to please. He also rubs his religion in my face. He says things like, the world is ending and all I care is about work and education. After he is done unloading his anger on me, lasting days at time. He’ll say pimpy I love you I just want us to be happily married couple. Then he’ll say that I have to be more amorous towards him and things will change. Its been 18 years now we have children. We still live with his mom, he won’t move until I find a way of buying a house with some super free govt grant that I’m to lazy to find. Yea I’ve had it but with kids now my options seem bleeker. As I write this I’m feeling guilty as I will “bring bad” to our relationship if I write or discuss my feelings. I’m starting to feel a little less in touch with reality. This has been draining. Thanks for letting me post
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Healing Heart says:
Welcome JustBec! One of the things we have all been encouraging each other about here at LF is embracing the idea that we all DESERVE to have a happy life – we all deserve to take care of ourselves, make healthy choices for ourselves, and to love and take care of people who will reciprocate the love, respect, and kindess, we show them. And, importantly, the most critical relationship that we should just immerse and surround with light and love, is the relationship with ourselves.
I just met you, justbec, but I know, for a fact, that you deserve a beautiful life with love, respect, and kindness.
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Matt says:
Justbec:
Welcome. I can so relate to your situation — and I’m a gay man. But, as you learn on this site, gay, straight, the sociopath’s playbook is always the same.
For me I knew the end was drawing near when I finally realized that I couldn’t walk on eggshells anymore. At that point I was ready to crack like an egg myself.
Mine ex-S, like your’s was extravagent — always with my money of course. And even though I am very successful professionally and my S was not (and an ex-con to boot) he still always made me feel like I was nobody without him.
And the accusation about being concerned about work and education — that’s a classic. Basically, he’s turning your ambition to create a better life for yourself (and him, the lazy ass), but turning it against you because he’s losing his control over you. See the movie “Educating Rita”. You would really relate to it and see a lot of yourself reflected in it.
My shrink always tells me that I have the rare ability to size up a person in 10 seconds. And I always could and it served me well in my profession. Something tells me that you will find a way to get that house for yourself and your kids. But, you’re not going to do it until your S is out of your life.
Sometimes we have to put our dreams to the side for a little bit to finish up old business. The fact you’re on Lovefraud tells me you’re taking the first steps to finish up that business.
If you need something to think about to make things seem less bleak, start researching those housing programs without telling him. Knowledge is power. Get your plans in place to buy your place. When you’re ready to make your move, dump his sorry ass and file for divorce. Then buy the house.
Think how satisfying it will feel to know you showed him what you did while he was demolishing you and what you can do now that you aren’t surrounded with his negativity.
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Deceived says:
Why do I keep attracting liars and cheaters?
I went out with a guy 2 weeks ago. We met on a dating site. We exchanged e-mails for over a month before even talking on the phone. After that we met for dinner. Dinner was okay. He asked me out again but I decided not to go out with him again although I have questioned whether I made the right decision a few times.
Tonight I got an e-mail from his e-mail address but it was signed by a woman and she wrote:
“Hey, Just wanted to let you know that this person is married. Stay away!!!!!!!!
Ann”
This is the 2nd time this happened to me where a woman wrote me and told me this guy is married or is in a relationship. I am glad this woman reached out to me but why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Are there really no men out there who tells the truth anymore? Is telling the truth a thing of the past now? This just reinforces my belief that I just cannot trust men!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear deceived,
QUESTION: “Why do I keep attracting lairs and cheater”
ANSWER: WE MET ON A DATING SITE.
If you fish in the sewer you will catch turds. Internet dating sites are fishing holes for turds, with about an estimated 45% of men on them that are married or in relationships.
AT a distance and through a computer screen, people can pretend to be anything they want to pretend. I know there are all these stories of people meeting on a dating site and having love forever, but of all the ones I know that met on a dating site 100% of them turned out to be CON JOBS or dysfunctional. My son C’s “cyber bride” that tried to murder him was someone he met on the internet and married despite really not knowing her. Another friend of mine married one and then she refused to move in with him until he remodeled his house, but she was willing to take the new car he bought her and go back to her home in another state until he got the house fixed….he divorced her immediately but she still went and opened dozens of charge cards in his name and spent to the max.
Believe me I know it is difficult to meet potential partners, but I think the internet dating sites are fishing in the sewer, you may come up with a prince but I think you are more likely to catch a turd. (((Hugs)))
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Eva says:
Hi Deceived. As Oxy says to you to fish partners in the net is very risky. I met the psychopath in a site for learning languages, so imagine if they are in more “serious” and “neutral” places, imagine the quantity of them that must be in dating places! And they’re not easy to spot at the beginning, they seem nice at the beginning, able to cross countries, etc. Be careful with the internet, it has a very useful-informative-formative side and sites like love fraud is just one example of the good side of the internet,but the internet is also the hunting field of nowadays predators because they know the net is full of weak people, weak for whatever reason, but the hunters are there prepared to exploit anybody who is not strong enough.
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candy says:
Hi Deceived – ditto, met my spath on ‘friends’.
Prior to him I had chatted (nothing more) with a couple of people. One told me he was an ex police officer – yeah right (turned out he was married). Turned out another was married but wanted to meet for coffee – Derrr! Another who turned out to be a perv…..don’t think that there ANY genuine guys/girls on there. They’re ok just for a bit of a laugh/banter on line but nothing more.
Why are they on those sites? Because they already have a woman/husband/partner in their life but they are looking for the next one. To them it’s a safe way of dating – and it costs them nothing, they can woo you and not even have to buy you a cola!
Keep your guard up.
Odds are you’re more likely to meet your ideal match at the checkout in your local supermarket.
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lesson learned says:
Just chiming in on this one.
ExSpath is currently trolling Chemistry. A sister of match. Lovely. He’s divorced with a bachelor’s degree and a job he’s had for twenty five years. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Whatever!!! Two divorces, a long held nine year affair during his second seventeen year marriage. Probably more from what I’m now learning. Not to mention the massive debt he is in (now trolling women for money), paying out heaps in child support, has joint custody of his children and is a HORRIBLE father to his children, uses them to create drama with his ex. Spends money compulsively (wonder where he gets its with all the debt?), yep, sounds like LOTS of fun to me!! LOL!
Just because the OUTSIDE looks good, actually makes them MORE dangerous because they know how to present themselves. And that’s all lie too. Most of the profiles are filled with lies, with truths here and there.
Dating sites are extremely dangerous. And I would NOT advocate that as a source of “fishing” if you will.
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Deceived says:
Ox, Eva, Candy and Lesson Learned – thank you for your feedback. You are right…meeting people online is dangerous. That is where I met the ex and how I ended up on this site. I had no idea how many men out there are like “the” ex and how many women have been victimized and fallen prey to these despicable con artists. Stumbling upon this site opened my eyes to the reality of how much THEY are out there. What a frightening thought.
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aussiegirl says:
Deceived -
Mine picked up his current “Mrs Spath” from an online dating site. She still has no idea what she is in for – he’s at the love-bombing stage with her.
He was trollling on sites throughout our marriage while pretending to me that he was “computer illiterate”. Yeah, right. We had a computer but I refused to have the internet because he had confessed (AFTER I was already in a relationshit with him) to a track record of porn addiction and because my stepson (his child, who lived with us) had major personality and mental issues – including overt displays of sexual inappropriateness.
I knew that in our particular circumstances, the net was a bad choice. I used it at work or the library when I needed to. I had no idea (until a long time after our separation almost 4 years back) about “wireless modems” or that you could have internet access without actually being signed up to a plan through a telecommunications company.
I have only begun to use a wireless modem myself in the past 2 years – prior to that I had no idea that the hard-drive on my computer could be filled with deleted “history” of his visits to dating and porn sites. Yuk, yuk, yuk!!!!
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