There is an article here on LF (I am out of town right now and don’t have access to my records and computer at home) I wrote on books for people being STALKED….

I think you need to ASSUME that this guy is out to kill you, and that does not mean you are nuts or “just paranoid” because when someone is out to kill you, you FEEL PARANOID….been there, and done that, and ESCAPED with my life. ONLY ESCAPED BECAUSE I WAS PARANOID….so it sounds to me like your GUT is telling you that there is A PREDATOR IN THE BUSHES.

There are ways to “disappear” and leave no PAPER trail behind. I suggest you do just that. Which may mean that you have to leave everyone you know behind as well, just like someone who is a “protected” witness.

Just off the top of my head I remember that California is pretty good about allowing stalking victims to change their names and identifier information…so you may need to go there to start. Do some research on line about this, in the mean time, do not have any documentation on your actual whereabouts, i.e. NO paper with your ACTUAL residence address.

Don’t tell ANYONE who knows you anything at this time. Start your research on how to hide in plain sight. It may also be possible to talk to someone at a DV shelter that would be able to help you. I don’t know what your financial resources are either, so that will be another consideration. Good luck and stay in touch here at LF. If there is anyone in the world who knows what you are going through and will believe you, it is HERE. I ran for my life and I am alive to tell the story. There are others here as well. (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your safety.

(Report abusive comment)

(Report abusive comment)

Your situation DOES sound serious and honestly I don’t believe that you are necessarily reacting to old tapes. If you didn’t check out “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin Debecker I suggest you do. In fact, here’s a link : http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fea.....0440226198 The premise of the book is that violence CAN be predicted.. we just tend to suppress the signals which alert us to it. If we are more aware of them, we have a much better chance of staying safe. I ordered it and it just arrived recently so I still have yet to complete it ( in fact I’ve only about skimmed the surface.. just a chapter or two) I think that you should take as much precautions as you feel you should. It does strike me as rather odd that he has multiple deceased women in his past? And one of them a suicide.. but I suppose any inferences on those would just be guesses..

YOU know most about your situation and those who don’t understand- they don’t understand because they haven’t been in your shoes and don’t know what he’s capable of. Or it’s easier for them to reassure you otherwise, because it’s a safer feeling.

The motorcycle incident is very disturbing and I am so sorry that you went through that. What a trauma. You did well by getting away.. if I were you I would speak to someone who is well versed in criminology and tell him/her your story. If you could perhaps find someone in your area.. it would help if they know about sociopathy but i suppose it’s not necessarily a prerequisite as the actions he’s already taken are huge red flags in and of themselves. Maybe someone here on LoveFraud with more experience on your situation could even give you advice. It’s good that you’re aware, I’m sure it’s difficult to find validation amongst people around you as they have no idea what you’re going through.. but stick to your gut feeling, as I’ve learned it’s usually right.

I am very sorry for your losses as a result of this guy. Many here I’m sure can relate… if not all. Hope that this pans out and you find out what you’ve gotta do. Best

(Report abusive comment)

Just chiming in….so sorry to read about your sad TG day , your tears and your frustrating pie “event” with Jr.

Holidays are so painfully filled with expectations
of “family”, “sugar plums and everything nice”…the Harold Dickens stories….BAHHHUMBUG if you ask me! that’s the first mistake we make is to believe all that and expect our experience to be the same.

How old is your son? If he’s a teenager/young adult he is probably going through his own emotional confusion and pain at what he’s experienced and seen as an example of “man hood”! He is an angry young man right now and he is like a 2 year old with the inmature narcisstic way they are….you are his batting cage. I’ve experienced the same pain with symilar cituations from both my sons in the past….my younger one 20 yrs old, seems to be in the mids of this right now, as I walk on eggshells with him…but my older one at 23 seems to have past this stage. There is hope….they do hopefully outgrow this stage and grow up. WE just have to LET GO AND LET BE….however difficult this is….I’ve learned from my own experience and many a times crying myself to pieces over it….
….my son whom I thought was heading into the narcisstic path, does come around and realize his part of the problem, I just have to let him go and he comes around on his own. Has shown me empathy and remorse, but at the same time I’ve had to stop trying to depend on him, believe him and control the outcome…..he will in time matue and come around.

In my loneliness and lack of having a “man around the house” and a partner, sometimes I’ve expect too much from my sons….and so get dissapointed and frustrated every time. I set my bounderies when they get rude, insolent, abnoxcious and belligerent…..I let go!!!!! ……..and just when I think they’re done, they come back come around.
Dont give up, just set your bounderies and let go!

(((hugs))) and peace to you!

(Report abusive comment)

Golly, darling I am so sorry for what is going on with you, but danged if I don’t know pretty much what you are going through, and feel just as helpless. It is NOT ONLY psychopaths that make bad decisions or make poor ones, I’ve made my own share of BAD DECISIONS and bad choices….that’s why I’m here at LF– DUH!?!!!

I remember when Witty’s kid was refusing medications for his bi-polar and/or ADHD as well and the doctors said to her that she should MAKE HIM TAKE THEM….DUH?? What universe are they in that they can MAKE a 16 year old take anything they don’t want to. MAYBE in an alternate universe or a locked psych ward but not in real life! GO FIGURE.

I guess I ought to just be glad that my son C isn’t robbing liquor stores or having sex with children, so there are degrees of dysfunction that is for sure! At least son C has a job, pays his taxes and contributes to society rather than uses up jail space and oxygen that could be better used for other things. Mostly, the one he harms is himself. And when you think about it, EB, how many people do THAT?! How many times have WE done that!?

So, I’m going on with my life, with our without anyone else, and I’m not going to be embarrassed by other people’s expectations of my parenting, or how my kids behave or continue to grieve forever over the fact I DON’T HAVE a close and personal relationship with my kids like I WOULD HAVE WISHED, like I DID wish.

Wishing for things I don’t have, or thought I had and thought I lost, but never had has given me more grief than the Loses of REAL things in life. I’m done crying over things that are NOT, THAT NEVER HAVE BEEN except in my imagination!

Go have a good time with the folks who want to be there with you, and let Junior live his own life—for better or worse, it isn’t something you can control. No expectations=no disappointments. He’ll bake pies when he wants to, he won’t when he doesn’t. He’ll show up before the train leaves if he wants to ride, if he doesn’t show up, he didn’t want to ride. I’ve finally come to realize that son C really doesn’t like my company as much as he has said in the past he did, because he doesn’t need much of an excuse to stay away—and since he doesn’t have a wife that hates me to “blame” his distance on, then he had to find something to make me angry enough to tell him to go away—he couldn’t just man up and “go away” without an excuse. LOL Well, he doesn’t need an excuse any more to stay gone, and if I run into him at Wal Mart, I’ll speak and say “howdy do” but I’d speak to “Crazy Bob” in Wal Mart if I ran into him there, too, so that doesn’t mean a lot…but if either of them wanted to borrow $5 for gas they’d be shiat up the creek without a paddle as far as this old girl is concerned….well, I might actually give “Crazy Bob” the $5 bucks…but son C is SOL financially as far as I am concerned and he doesn’t have anyone else to fall back on that COULD help him if they were so inclined. But I figure at some point in the future, he will “get religion” again and be “oh, Mom, I am soooooo sorry, you are such a prophet! I should have listened to you and not spent my money foolishly, I sure could use a hand….”

Or as Gem says, “The bank is closed, even for loans!”

(Report abusive comment)

My Aunt invited us down…..I decided to go…..for another ‘re-run’ of a new THanksgiving with family…..BUT….I left a message for JR…..if he ain’t here….the bus is leaving….
If he’s here,he’s here……if not……Holly and the kids and I will go visit the last of the suppportive family we have left. AND enjoy ourselves…..
We may stay the night…..we may come home tonight….it’s a 2 hour drive….and we are due more snow….so we’ll see.

You guys are so awesome….THANK YOU AGAIN!
I guess life is a constant renegotiation of decisions and setting of boundaries…….
I dealt with spath…..got good at it……just didn’t want to do it with my kids…..wanted a break…..but there is NO rest for the wicked!!!!
So……off and running…..and i’m going to smile today and enjoy myself…….that’s my plan anyways….maybe that is what got me in trouble yesterday……a plan….
OKAY…>EB….GO WITH THE FLOW !

XXOO to you all
EB

BTW….Oxy….HE WAS diagnosed with ADD….and not big on the meds……at 18, can’t forecefeed them…..it’s his choice, we know that!

Life doesn’t have to be this hard…..UNLESS WE CHOOSE IT!?!?!

(Report abusive comment)

Is it possible that your son has ADHD and/or bi-polar or depression? Those can definitely contribute to irritability and outbursts and impulsive behavior, failure to focus and so on.

My son did take medication for a while (about a year) after he married the cyber-bride-psychopath but has stopped and refuses to take medication or even try. I actually think he likes the highs of the ADHD that he gets playing his video games and the medication interferes with that. Unfortunately many people with bi-polar also don’t like medication because they enjoy the highs and feel “down” by comparison with medication leveling them out.

Silver, I also have severe sleep apnea and I am THE most motivated patient in the world for my machine (which is a PITA–pain in the arse–but I feel better, think better and cannot do without it!) In fact, just had another sleep study and they found I also have “restless leg” syndrome, but so far I’m doing okay without any medication for that—sleeping 90% of the time I think I’m asleep with the machine, but only 10% of the time I think I am asleep if I don’t wear the machine. BIG DIFFERENCE!

(Report abusive comment)

My son seemed lazy and disobedient. He had bursts of extraordinary anger and prolonged periods of non performance…

Then we found out he had extraordinary sleep apnea.

Sometimes it is what it looks like and sometimes its not.

He’s going to be a late bloomer because he kind of lost years. And a lot of the years when his father and I were still together traumatized him. It was worse when I sent him to dad for a year .
Sometimes they tell us things by actions that we can’t understand clearly right away. So, I’d ask the questions about why and how it all added up. And I’d pursue homework.

There are people who know more than we do. And their insights are often, I have found invaluable.

Is there a physical problem that may be existant but many years overlooked? Are there issues that can be overcome?

My experience was that the hard core advice I was given was wrong and eventually both my child and I were validated. But it was a long road. And WE had some really TOUGH times.

I have stories that sound like yours. I have spent those bitter nights and pained days.

The road is long. The road is rocky. And there are so many possible outcomes.

Wishing for you that there is a good one for you and this boy.

Know we are all here for YOU. And there are resources here. Dr. Leedom, Steve Beck- and there are many, many more.

Sometimes things are what we think on first pass and sometimes they are not.

Sometimes we are persuaded by the experiences of others to overlook details in our own that differentiate them.

There is no single or simple answer.

I just know from my own, that there was a time when I was very,very wrong to believe what I thought I understood about my child and that it has taken a lot of work to bring things back toward where they should have been.

(Report abusive comment)

(Report abusive comment)

Sounds like a tough day.
Couple of thoughts…
Boys of Few Words, Dr. Adam Cox
Boys are different.

There is always more to the story.
And there are always a couple of sides.

Children learn what they have lived. And you and yours have been through hell.

Maybe there is a chance to do some real work and a need.
I feel your distress.
I wish there were easy answers.

Advice may pour down from the stadium full, but only the matador faces the bull….

(Report abusive comment)