A Trip to Death Row
PDF I had visited my father on Death Row before, but this trip was different. I was traveling to Union Correctional Institution with two homicide detectives with the intent to record a conversation with my father about two murders he described to me years earlier.
Actually the main purpose of this visit was to get him to tell me about another murder, one that he never confessed to me, but one that I know he committed. It was his first victim, but they still have not found the body. It was an old friend of my fathers that disappeared after meeting with my dad, but this is a story for another day. It is so hard to write about my father’s activities simply because of the number of victims and crimes. I mentioned this because I thought my father might talk about it if I asked him so that is why I went up there, to help solve another crime. The two murders I knew about were secondary.
The drive up to Death Row was a two hour trip, but the detectives were extraordinarily nice. They were compassionate and I felt they understood my situation. We talked a lot about sociopaths and how much damage they do to their families. They mentioned that the families of the sociopath (perpetrator) are often the forgotten ones, so to speak. Most of the attention in our society is about what damage is done to the victim’s family, but there are two sides as many of us know all too well.
On the way up I was very calm. I prayed a great deal about this day and spent some quiet time early in the morning before leaving the house. The thought of facing my father and trying to get him to talk about these murders was frightening and I knew it was something I could not do on my own. It is interesting that I can find the greatest peace when I recognize circumstances are well beyond my control and I am able to surrender the outcome to a higher power. That is what I did before I left the house.
As I have mentioned before I idolized my Dad growing up and still continued to communicate with him and occasionally (every few years) visit him on death row. I would also write him to tell him about my accomplishments looking for his approval, even after all he had done. This is the most baffling part of all. I can’t explain the mixed emotions, just share my experience. It was almost like I completely compartmentalized things. On the one hand he was still my father, but on the other he was a cold blooded killer.
For those of you that have children that are being influenced by another parent that is a sociopath I can tell you that I knew right from wrong and knew something was wrong deep down. I always knew this and the more my father did others wrong the deeper this divide became. I do think it was always there it just took time and I am grateful for those around me as a young adult that simply showed me the right way to live.
Anyway, when we arrived at Death Row they brought us right in and took me to a private room that is used for inmates to meet with their lawyers. They placed a wire on me and a recorder under the chair, and then sent for my father. He did not know I was coming and I wasn’t sure how he would react to me being in this “special” room, but again, I put my Faith in another father that I had come to rely upon and didn’t concern myself with worry or circumstances, I simply stayed focused and calm.
He was shocked to see me, but also excited. It reminded me of how he had conned so many people before going to prison. He would make them feel so excited about a deal that they failed to look at or recognize things that they should have been paying attention to. Meetings like this just didn’t happen unless you were a lawyer, but I told him that I had met a powerful organization that was out to get bad cops regardless of whether they thought the person committed the crime. He had always said that the police in his case fabricated some of the evidence to convict him and I told him this group agreed.
I told him I could help him, something which I had not done in the 15 years he had been on death row, but I needed some security so I could feel safe. I had always told him that I wouldn’t help him because of the publicity that it might bring, but that wasn’t true, I didn’t want him out. Like so many of his cons before I was in this room for the complete opposite reason that he was so excited about. I was here to see that he never had a chance to get out, period. There was little chance of this anyway but he was optimistic about his appeals.
We talked for a while and when I told him that I needed to have information that would make me feel safe if he got out before helping him, his whole demeanor changed. He sat back thought about it and smiled. He looked right at me with his cold eyes and said “I get it, blackmail”. Odd as it sounds he seemed extremely proud of me for doing this; it was like I was now playing his game. He was suddenly very engaged, this was fun for him.
I am not sure how to tell this story without making it too long. We spent about two hours together and he repeated everything I told the homicide detectives, basically word for word. He also talked about the woman he killed that placed him on death row, a conviction he was still denying to others and a case that was under appeal. I think the thing that stood out the most is the excitement in his voice and mannerisms when he talked about the murders. He was proud of it, except for getting caught of course, which he referred to as “stupid mistakes, sloppy”. (He would not confess to the murder that I was hoping to get him to talk about, apparently killing a friend was not something he thought I could handle).
I left Death Row knowing that I had done the right thing. I still had some mixed emotions though. Even after seeing my father excited to talk about murders that he committed I still felt sorry for him and I also knew what was coming his way.
I felt a great deal of pain about how he was going to feel when he found out that I betrayed him. I was his favorite kid and now I was about to become his worst enemy. But, this is what separates me from him. I thank God that I have these emotions and that I can feel compassion for others, even when some people don’t think they deserve it.
They did bring charges and my father sent me some threatening letters. He turned on me as I expected but it was ok. In fact, I think it helped to see him direct his evil behavior at me and my family. This brought some closure and removed all doubt about what he was capable of.
A little over a year ago he plead guilty and was given two more life sentences. There was some TV coverage and a few articles in the newspaper but nothing major.
Now this experience allows me to help others. It is a gift that I am grateful for. I would not change anything in my past. I think everything we experience in life has great value if we are willing to learn from it and use it to help others.
Although I have enjoyed writing these stories I prefer to move on to something that might be more helpful to those of you that might have questions that you think my experience can help you with. If so, please comment and I’ll be more than happy to share my experience in future posts.
Tilly says:
I rest my case
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blueskies says:
what? Tilly why not talk to me? what case do you rest?x
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blueskies says:
god I shouldnt even get involved and I wills stop now. Just coming here in the mornings( I always feel worse in the mornings) and seeing this, does me no good. I will butt out now.
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Janey says:
I have been reading on lovefraud almost every day since November 08.
I’m still in counselling but even that couldnt soothe me like Lovefraud could.
Lovefraud was my safe haven.. I no longer feel safe here.
Reading here this morning actually terrifies me..
I am crying too Blueskies…
“LOVE BEGINS WITHIN” …
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sstiles54 says:
Janey & Blueskies,
Do not be upset. Sometimes folks say things in a way they understand, but is unclear to others. Just continue to read & learn here, & don’t lose the faith. We are all we’ve got.
EB,
I admire your courage & spunk. I know your words have inspired many here, including me. Keep encouraging us all here, you are awesome!
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blueskies says:
Yeah, okay sstiles, I am fine.xxx I guess some of us on here will just have to accept that we have some how been put in a black book, and never know the reason why. I gotta tell you though it stinks.
anyway. moving on….x
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witsend says:
blueskies,
As they say in AA meetings…..Keep Coming Back. I would miss you in the mornings…I like to read here in the morning to!
Sometimes it is very hard to understand another persons pain and how they react when they just can not take it any more.
And I think FEAR is even harder to read in another person. Fear can make us not trust anyone.
As an observer many times you can see that someone is in alot of pain, or has alot of fear, but instead of reaching out, they will push away.
Many times in my own pain and fear I come here and read….Sometimes I post. Sometimes I whine. All of this can be helpful. Some days….
However there are days when I can’t get what I “need” even coming here. Some days I just would like a big old shoulder to cry on. A REAL shoulder, not a cyber space shoulder. I want someone to tell me its going to be OK. Some days I just don’t want to face my reality. I don’t want to hear what I need to hear but more what I want to hear.
Maybe Tilly is at that breaking point. She just can’t take it any more. She has alot to deal with and she is feeling very alone.
We can’t really help other than by encouragement and prayer. And maybe that just isn’t enough for her right now. Because she is so afraid of what she is having to face, alone.
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skylar says:
http://comics.com/pearls_befor.....0&y=7
Peeps,
you all HAVE to see this comic from pearls before swine. it is three strips from Sept 21, 22 and 23 (scroll down to see the last 2 strips)
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skylar says:
Tilly,
I think this comic strip will make you laugh and the last one you will like most of all.
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skylar says:
BTW, Tilly, I never disagreed with you about whether we “attract” our own P’s. I believe that if someone “attracts” a P, it is because of that person’s innocence and perhaps even their goodness. So when people speak of “attracting” a P to their lives, it is paramount that it be spoken in those words. “The P’s were attracted to something that you have and they don’t” It might have been money, but there are lots of people with money. Only a few with kind hearts. THAT’S HOW YOU ATTRACTED THE P’S TILLY, WITH YOUR KIND HEART. Now I see that you are trying to get rid of your kind heart because you think it has made you weak and you need your defenses at this time – most of all. I applaud you Tilly. If you would like to attack me. Be my guest. If it will help defend you at this time of great threat, I want you to attack me. I want you to be as mean as you need to be until this trial is over.
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skylar says:
The celtic fairy tale of Prince Conn-eda. Is similar to what is happening to Tilly. Conn-eda didn’t have a mean bone in his body, but he was attacked by his step-mother and had to go on a quest. During his trial he learned that he had to let go of some of his “goodness” so that he could understand evil and ultimately defeat his stepmother and rule his Kingdom wisely. Being too good made him unsuitable to rule because he was too nieve and vulnerable. So when he came back from his quest, he was still basically good, but he had been forced to be violent so he understood violence and could protect himself from it.
I think psychicly, that is what Tilly is doing.
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Easy says:
If we attract the p or the p is attracted to us is not the problem! The problem is that these people exist who want nothing more than to take advantage and use another! It Ain’t us that is the problem it is the ones who use by any means available to them ! And they are quite adept at this , just as easy as breathing it is for them ,they may not even beaware that they do this but the smart ones are and they learn from each conquest how to decieve even better the next time! This is a trait learned from an infant it is like a sixth sence to read the weekness’s of folks and turn it against us . Weekness is how they percieve our kindness, empathy , and love ! That is why they persecute us because they do not have possesion of these qualities! and they cannot deal with it!
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Easy says:
Though I walk through the valley of death and destruction I shall fear no evil for thow art with me!
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skylar says:
Tilly,
Pray to Michael the Archangel who banished Lucifer from heaven. He is so powerful and wonderful. He has delivered me unscathed from the P. Without him I would be dead. And each time, he also gives me a little miraculous victory. Something small but miraculous to prove that he was there and that he protected me. If you would like, I can post some of the special prayers to him?
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kim frederick says:
Hi Skylar,
I loved the PBS cartoons, really cute. And how ’bout the poor empathetic little pig? I’d still rather be the pig than the cactus!
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skylar says:
Morning Kim!
That pig is US! We kept hugging our cactus-Ps no matter how much we got hurt. Always sacrificed ourselves so he could feel better. LOL.
PBS is my favorite cartoon. There is also a rat that is definitely an evil N. He’s always gaslighting the pig.
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skylar says:
Argh!
he just sent me an email:
Today I go down the road I have tried to avoid, I hate giving my money and yours to the attorney.
In this state the law is clear it is 50-50. This attorney will do the same routine he’s done before
with the same outcome. They tried to get me to start procedures 2 months ago, they said they have
seen this scenario before and I was only putting off the inevitable. Evidently you and I are no
different from the rest of humanity, I always thought we were.
I called an attorney yesterday and spoke with her assistant. She is supposed to call me back – I hope today.
I don’t believe that he is actually going to do this but on the off-chance that he is, should I respond to buy time?
I could say, “please fax me the paperwork”.
The only reason I don’t is because I would rather not respond to his button pushing. It just gives him an affirmation that he can MAKE me respond.
In addition, I could respond to
Evidently you and I are no different from the rest of humanity, I always thought we were.
by saying: You are.
Opinions welcome.
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skylar says:
now the phone is ringing. Unavailable number.
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ErinBrockovich says:
DO NOT RESPOND!
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ErinBrockovich says:
Think about the benefit to you…..
You will hire this attorney anyways….let the attorney handle it all.
I thought you were not married…..what is he thinking he has to gain?
DO NOT RESPOND…..there is no sense in keeping NC only to respond…..you will blow your cover and allow him to know what gets to you!
Keep your strength and do not play into his games.
Make your own rules!
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skylar says:
both my cousins managed to lose their homes to boyfriends. They were too emotionally traumatized to try and fight for their share. I’m in a better position because my P has virtually never had a job. It would be ridiculous to try to show that he owns anything. My tax returns are also further evidence. BUT, I do know that he will cut off his nose to spite his face. He would try to take me to court just to destroy me. Just to destroy any equity I might have in the house. I know that he burned down his own business just to spite his partner, many years ago. I realized this when I realized he was a P.
The attorney’s office called and she cannot take my case but I was told that another attorney will offer a free consult. One consult will not help me very much. I need a free attorney.
Oh, wait. THAT’S what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to make me spend money on attorneys… OK, I get it now. hmmm…
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blueskies says:
Skylar that poor pig! Thanks for lightening the mood:)xxx
I know your reasons, but I still wish you could cut him off completely, so he can go sing in the wind. Even reading it sometimes make you (that’s a generic you no a YOU btw;) act or react in a way you may not have if doing things on your own terms.
Stay strong and keep focussing on what you want and need to do for you:)xx
I think you are doing amazingly well, I found it difficult not to re-act to the s/p and my N mother, and I still find it difficult not to react to ‘button pushing’… sigh.
Go skylar!
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blueskies says:
oh and i forgot the main point of my response..dont respond!
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witsend says:
Skylar,
If you read in between the lines if he actually HAS retained an attorney, there is no reason for his email to you IS THERE?
If he HAS retained an attorney the attorney will be making contact with you and any attorney worth his grain of salt would ADVISE him not to make any further contact with you.
The attorney would begin to EARN his money by being the one to contact you. Not your X still making the contact….
So either way, his email is still just to get a rise out of you, to harass you, push your buttons BUT most of all to PROVE to himself that he can get you to respond to his crapola….
In my opinion, I think hes still bluffing…
Or he is REALLY stupid and just shelled out money for an attorney and is now doing the attorneys job!
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kim frederick says:
charmingone1969@yahoo.com
Cartoon for you Skylar, and all.
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kim frederick says:
What am I doing wrong when I try to post a link?
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skylar says:
Kim,
click on the URL at the top of your browser, copy and paste it back here.
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skylar says:
Yep, it’s hard not to respond, but I will be strong.
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ErinBrockovich says:
Skylar:
Keep pluggin away and find an attorney!
They are out there…..search all resources
How about not listening to the messages for a bit.
Try and remove it from you mind…..
Stay strong…..you are doing great!
The above advice is spot on……
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Easy says:
https://app.e2ma.net/app/view:CampaignPublic/id:1400424.6521257772/rid:76f0df4eca28fa0bce42b29d75e838a1
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ErinBrockovich says:
To all my cyber friends ……
My birthday gift to YOU!
Oxy:
I am wrapping up continued wisdom and love for all of your wonderful support. Thank you for being here and giving of yourself daily!
Matt:
I am tying a bow around your neck, so you can dance with your new man and enjoy a new life (and look sexy.) Thank you for your legal offerings, as many of us are not in a position to have access to attorneys for small guidances.
Donna:
I am writing you an IOU…because I truely feel, finding your ‘work’ here was a life changing experience for me and so many others. Lf is a port in the storm.
Thank you!
Lily:
I am giving you strength to heal your body and your soul.
Thank you for being a caring soul.
Gem:
Thank your for your warm heart in the midst of sadness. I give you peace within yourself.
Tilly:
I offer you serenity and peace in a life that has given you a raw deal, and the strength to dance happily through each day.
JustAboutHealed:
Your wisdom to overcome your shortcomings is admirable. I wish you peace and happiness in your marriage.
Witsend:
I wish you authority and control, over yourself, to find the way through this aweful pain.
I hope one day soon, you will awaken to ‘sunshine’.
Skylar:
I give you strength and the power to educate others in your wise words and ways.
KathleenHawk:
My gift to you is friendship.
Blueskies:
I wish the stars and the moon for you. And may your days always be filled with ‘blueskies’. You are a dear.
Rosa:
May you always have eternal youth and joy in your heart and the strenth to overcome.
KimFrederick:
May you always be able to find laughter in your day.
Bibleannie:
May you find peace and the strength to make the best decisions for you.
AlohaTraveler:
I bid you always the warmest trade winds to ease your flow through life.
Louise:
I offer you the gift of continued writings that aid and inform. Your posts are invaluable to so many. Thank you!
Steve:
I thank you for working so hard to help so many people. Your work is a blessing. I offer you my gratitude.
Hecates:
I give you strength and happiness in finding your way.
Petra:
I offer you peace in your surroundings and the wisdom to make the right decisions for YOU.
Henry:
I give you lot’s and lot’s of doggie bones for your babies……so they can continue to nurture and love a wonderful man.
Sarasims:
I give you control and the intelligence to continue down your educational journey, I am very proud of you.
Dr. Leedom:
I thank you for your ever lasting commitment to our journeys. Your information, your awareness and knowing your journey is a comfort to us all. Thank you.
Eyeswideshut:
I give you strength to speak, listen and continue to learn. You have come a long way baby!
Luv716:
I wish for flowing self esteem and growth on your journey back to YOU.
Shabbychic:
May you remember where you came from……and KNOW where you are heading. You’re a beautiful person.
Breckgirl:
I would like to secure the gratitude in your heart and keep on writing to heal your pain!
Easy:
I bid you peace in your journey.
PiNow:
I give you tenacity in your fight to uncover injustice, and the stamina to grow and learn. A woman after my own heart!
BloggerT1765:
I wish you luck and perseverance in your goal to help others. Keep up the good work.
JiminIndiana:
I hope your doing well and I bid you continued love and awareness to protect yourself.
Miss you!
Heartmoonstar:
May all your ‘celestial’ powers lead you to great things. Keep on keeping on…..
JillSmith:
My wish for you is strength and peace….and a journey that leads you to greener pastures.
May we all find happiness and peace in us today, and in our future.
We have all traveled and continue to travel a rocky road filled with potholes….BUT….NONE OF OUR CARS ARE INOPERABLE!
We need to ‘maintain’ us, remain strong and keep our bodies nourished with laughter and hope.
Thank you all for just being YOU!
XXOO
EB
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Donna Andersen says:
Erin,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Knowing that people are being helped is so rewarding and fulfilling for me.
Donna
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witsend says:
Erin B,
Thak you Erin!
Ps. I did respond the other day to you about “our boys”.
But for the life of me I don’t know what article it was under anymore as they have ALL changed and are pretty random right now…
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skylar says:
Erin, that’s the nicest present I’ve ever seen. It really is.
Happy Happy Birthday to you.
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kim frederick says:
Thank you so much, Erin. That was really touching.
I hope you’re having a wonderful birthday. Are you doing anything special?
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OxDrover says:
DEAR ERIN!
Happy birthday to you!!!! And thank you so much for your presents to me and the other LF family! (((((hugs)))))
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skylar says:
Everyone, I had an interesting day today.
I’ve been looking to buy a video tripod and finally found one on Craigslist. Great tripod at a great price. I really really needed it so I can start my business.
But the amazing thing is who sold it to me. A wonderful woman who is ONE OF US. I told her a bit about my experience and she knew all about it because she was with a P for 5 years. I told her about LF and she may or may not visit. Either way, it was so nice to make a connection with someone who I know is empathetic and not a P.
I consider this another gift from my ex-P: Now when I meet someone who has been P’d on (pun intended), I get to make a new friend whom I KNOW is a kind and gentle person. What more could I ask for in life?
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witsend says:
Erin B,
I would wish for your b-day that with each day foreward you are gifted with being able to “feel” the progress of the healing journey you have begun.
Each & every day a good feeling similar to opening a small gift from a friend…..
Happy B-day, girl friend
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Rosa says:
Erin:
Thank you so much.
Happy 29th Birthday!!!
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Rosa says:
Erin:
Have you heard the news?? I am PREGO!!
Seriously, Happy Birthday, Erin.
May your birthday be filled with peace, joy, & LOVE, not only today, but in all the years to come.
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OxDrover says:
Oh, rosa, I am so glad we are preggers at the same time! LOL Well, at least my belly is getting to LOOK LIKE IT! I also had a root beer float tonight! Comfort food! LOL
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Rosa says:
OxDrover:
I wanted to incorporate that our due dates may coincide, but I did not want to offend you!
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ErinBrockovich says:
OMG….you guys are so funny! I’m still laughing!!!
Twins maybe?
Do you think this is what Witsend REALLY meant by saying
‘feeling’ the progress?
JK….
Thanks for the well wishes….
You all are a light in my life.
Sky….Look at the way you are viewing the gifts now….THAT IS FABULOUS!!!
I swear, I will say it over and over….Everything works out in the end…..
AND
It all happens for a reason….
WE HAVE ALL COME SO FAR!!!!
I look forward to wherever I land up in this coming year and beyond…..it’s all a gift!
Except for a pregnancy at this stage FOR ME!!! YIKES!!!
Better Rosa and Oxy than me…..I will babysit as Auntie EB.
It might be best if we all ‘incorporate’ on oxy’s farm and live as a commune…..
(although, I am sure my eldest will try and pawn me off on one of oxy’s two sons!) Keep em locked up oxy!
I’m off to a wonderful dinner out with the kids as my date….the best date I could ever ask for!
My one son gave me a rock for my birthday…..it’s a crystal he found next to the grocery store…..it’s so shiny and bright….he said it reminded him of me….
How cool is that!
XXOO
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ErinBrockovich says:
Yeah….and Rosa….
It’s not 29….
I’m the ‘eternal’ 23 year old virgin…..
THANK YOU!
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shabbychic says:
EB… Happy Birthday!
Twenty-three happy faces for you! Thanks for the card! I am proud to have you as a friend!
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Rosa says:
ErinB:
Whatever you say, Birthday Girl!! This is YOUR day.
Next year, I will have a tiara for you.
And it will be bedazzled, too.
(Have a great dinner with your kids.)
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geminigirl says:
Thank you so much, Erin, for your kind words! A very Happy Birthday to you!
Dearest Oxy, Dont forget, when you have the Oxymoron twins, genetically they wont be a good mix for you as you are so smart! Maybe you could get them adopted out, LOL!!Love, gem. Thanks for your kind words too, Oxy, re Lily. I know we are AlL praying for her!Love, gem.XXX
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blueskies says:
Thank you Erin:)xxx What a lovely thing to do:)xxxx Hope you had a wonderful day wonderful woman! Happy Birthday! xx
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Tilly says:
Happy Birthday EB.
Rosa doesn’t feel she is a care taker, (ask her) on the contrary, she understands where i am coming from and we validate each other. Not sure what you mean by “yanking on some chains” etc. And i think God protected me from the “charming one 69 ” joke. The jokes Rosa and I share are not “digs” or “lashing out”. Rosa and I (and most Aussies) have the same type of humour. Its different to your.
I am mightily offended by the “hugging the prickly cactus” jokes and everyone else jumping on board. Especially in light of the post I wrote before hand which I will repeat here. Be specific where exactly where am I “lashing out” ?
When you have gone through what Travis and i am going through, perhaps you will allow others a little space to try and get some validation (like I always get from Rosa).
I will repeat what i wrote to Rosa. I came to this particular site, in the hope that nobody that hadn’t read my previous story would continue to put shit on me. But it seems to have backfired badly.
Here is what I wrote before you all had your jokes:
“It is important that i have you to trust right now, to let me be me and to vent and not to have to worry that you are going to bully me or tell me I need to look at myself and tell me that I am this or that or anything else. I am just a little soul doing the best I can in a trial and so are you.
We are both stressed. My stress is NOT more than yours. Just different. And we both know it will increase before it gets better. And I don’t have anyone else but you right now that i can trust, except my son who is not here. So its you and me Rosa (and Lily), no-one can bring us down in this space, we are safe to love and be loved and supported. We are not VILE or having a go at anyone. We are praying our little hearts out to make it through to tomorrow. AND WE WILL. xoxoxoxoxoxo
I made a mistake. I am going through a murder trial. The last witness was murdered.
I don’t find much about it funny. Sorry about that.
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witsend says:
Tilly,
I am sorry that you have to go through this alone. I hope you are safe.
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