LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Pulled in by the child in the sociopath
PDF By PressEject
It seems so odd. I wasn’t exactly in love with this person! But I was entirely caught up in his breath, his every sentence, his needs and desires. He charmed me into thinking it was so much more that we shared. I sensed early on he was not exactly mature in conducting a one-on-one relationship. But I assumed I could help guide him and show him how to trust and become closer. He came across as unique, at times humble and often very sweet to be with. I heard his “story” and understood how difficult it had been for him trying to feel close to others and I was honored he felt he could be close to me. The story, a true “pity ploy,” pulled me in. But I didn’t think twice. After all, didn’t I also share a similar story of having struggled to achieve deeper intimacy in my life? But the pace was quick, and it went from instant sexual attraction to having him call me almost every night. It felt wonderful but almost too good. Was I all of a sudden being looked after or being kept in a jar? Was I his focus of warm, kind attention or some kind of lab experiment, something he would slowly dissect each night, probing with questions, appearing to share a sincere interest in my life? At the time, I didn’t know to question this but instead sensed I had a man that truly thought so much of me. The compliments were lavish, his desire never hidden. I had a wealthy, accomplished, healthy, active and athletic man returning to me with an uncanny and precise regularity. I could almost sense when the phone would ring.
Six months have passed since I discovered the ugly truth to the type of love I thought I had in my life. That none of the words of love he had written on cards and in emails meant anything. That the desire for sexual passion was his highest state of consciousness, that all else was secondary, frail constructs made of echos he mimicked to sound like adult conversations, or even less substantial gestures used to form a connection based on reflecting my own personable warmth right back to me. Where was the love? Where was his piercing focus on me after he said “that was it, it’s over,” that he could not continue with me. As fast as the relationship had cemented together, it cracked apart!
Grieving, and confused
I had been idolized then tossed aside. From high in the sky with visions of perfect romantic sunsets to merely a shadow in a deep dark ditch where even the reflected glow of one last fading sunset could not reach. Something had died. I was grieving to be sure, but I was confused. The person I thought I knew wasn’t the person that left at the end. So even the death was beyond comprehension. To have this kind of trust shattered went beyond my understanding of the relationship, it pulled into question everything I had ever thought or done in my life, every action, every desire, and every hope I had ever felt was all suspect now. I didn’t know who I was anymore, my mind struggled to find something to hold onto that would be stabilizing and comforting. A friend helped me to get to church. I wept in front of friends, a priest and my even my understanding of God and His angels would also be clouded by tears.
Days went by, eventually months. I followed a rule of no contact even though at times my heart and mind demanded some kind of better explanation. I learned to let the feelings try to run through me. To let the memories play over and over if they needed to, each time running into the same dead end, deprived of justice or consolation. In support groups I went back into my childhood experiences of abuse. It took my mind off what had happened recently to me as an adult. I learned others shared similar stories, that we had at times bonded with those that would only perpetuate victimization in our adult lives as we had simply been blinded to how this all worked. The gift I was given this year was a raw new sensory awareness of how others are simply not able to love the way I had assumed everyone could. I have been left holding onto this gift, not quite sure how to use it as I still feel somewhat paralyzed from all that happened this year. But I know this is the gift I have been given, that the pain, like a birthing pain, was necessary to give me a new life.
Out of the dark ditch
In dedicating myself to recovery, I was aided greatly by much that makes up the site at Lovefraud.com. I benefited from so much that others have shared. I could start to see clearly again, and find a way out of that dark ditch. A new awareness came to me to understand that to eventually transcend the hurt, I might need to eventually think of others more than myself, but also to know I could find my own respect again for myself. Once I had reached for help and received a certain amount, I learned there were new ways to heal by sharing my own recovery with others. In this spirit, there are a few thoughts that came to me I wish to share and hope that somewhere out there, someone might read this and find some kind of benefit or comfort through this effort. Perhaps these observations will shed further light into the discussion we at Lovefraud are all a part of. In particular, I wish to share something that I have questioned for many months and now finally feel I have some better sense of, a deeper personal understanding of the reason why the pain seemed so great. I think it comes down to something very simple. (Please note, this may not apply to other peoples experiences but it seems to make sense of what I went through.)
Child in an adult body
It occurred to me, that being pulled in by a sociopath is similar to being pulled in by a charming child with needs that one would like to help. Yet we are deceived as this is a child in an adult body. In the early stages of the relationship, I received gifts from the S that seemed to come from genuine caring and adoration. Yet they were very impulsive purchases when I think back. In numerous accounts, a sociopath is described as having an underdeveloped or missing sense of empathy, and it only becomes fully realized when one is discarded abruptly. And therein lies the shock and the bewilderment. My feeling is that the S pulls us in by appealing to the child in each of us. That we too wish to be completely spontaneous and playful, like carefree children. To be free of adult responsibilities.
If we allow this fantasy to take root, we are then a captive to this, the way any addictive mind-altering drug might make us happy too. Those of us that suffered pain or abuse in our own childhoods, those of us with feelings and adult emotions will often carry some of that hurt with us over the years. Then, when we meet a childlike sociopath, seemingly free of worries and typical adult neuroses, we are able to “join in” and experience a type of childlike innocence (a trance that suspends reality) that never suspects abuse, has never felt abuse and carries no more scars of any of our abuse from the past. We are dangerously deceived in this way. We are liberated yet captive to the drug that deceives us this way.
When the drug wears off, when we are discarded, our nerve endings which only knew the childlike euphoria, along with a sexual high must then experience quite the opposite; abandonment, lost self esteem, and all the adult responsibilities we had been alleviated from temporarily. Imagine when a child is lost or left behind, that abandonment I feel is the same sad state we are in as we were simply caught up in playing a strange game with an even stranger “child” all along. We cry and hurt and feel it is unfair, and indeed it is. But we are caught by surprise, and it is this numbing and deceptive child-like trance that we are pulled into and have experienced over some time with our S that factors into how deep the hurt is when it finally arrives. It is like suffering a crash without a seat belt on. We are too innocent in our trance to think we ever needed a seat belt.
The healing process
I believe I return to the discussions here at Lovefraud because the pain I experienced was just so unusual. It is self-protective to try to understand what led us here and to hopefully prevent this from happening again. Sharing here a couple of months ago was helpful. I had struggled to make sense of it all, had put down my experience into words, and in the process, my pain was acknowledged and I felt less alone. Thank you Donna for including me. The healing process is not easy nor is it uncomplicated. I still feel some of the pain from this, but month after month, I walk with my head up a little higher. I still don’t have all the answers and am learning to accept we never will, but the healing this site alone has given me has been enormous. Hopefully the thoughts I am sharing here will be read as a part of my sincere gratitude. Thank you also for helping me to remember to use a seat belt! As always, I wish all good things for those that read and share in the site, that we each find the gift of deeper understanding and, in turn, peace from this understanding along with a new found grace in how we apply this into our lives each day.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Wini says:
Henry: Sure they can bond .. with our money, our possessions … our homes, our condos, our vacation homes … your pool (if you let him). LOL.
Peace.
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Wini says:
Iwonder: See, I told you … you’d find something worthwhile for knowing him … your BOO BOO BEAR doggie. You wouldn’t have Bear if you didn’t know your EX.
I love my dog Neuphy! I wouldn’t have the Neuphasoid if my EX didn’t demand that he was our dog know … to my friend who has Neuphy’s mom.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Hey wonder woman,
How about you send me the guy from France, since I speak French (jusque un peu). We have zillions of Spanish speaking folks here. I’ll send you one of those. Fair trade?
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Iwonder says:
Hi Wini,
About “bonding.” I remember one day my ex said to me out of the blue, “is this all there is??” “I want something real.” “I wish I’d met someone in my teens and stayed with her.” “Now all that’s out there are “leftovers.” This was around the time that “initial attraction” phase wore off and we were living together. Nice guy. I was a “leftover.”
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Iwonder says:
Star: Thanks but the ex S was Puerto Rican. Es no bueno. No deal. LOL!!
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henry says:
i think i will be single for ever – i obviously have some issue’s that can not be cured.
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Iwonder says:
Henry: I also believe I most likely will remain solo. I’m going to go out and date a lot until I feel right. In time, when it’s right, it will be right. I’m leaving it up to God. I’m letting Him choose my path. This experience with the ex has to mean something…even if it really sucked to go through it. I have to trust my maker knows what he is doing.
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Wini says:
Iwonder: I’m going to write the phrase that you absolutely hate … but you need to hear it over and over and over again. DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING THE GUY SAYS PERSONALLY. It’s not about you, it never was. You just happened to be in the relationship at the time he said that to you. We are all considered leftovers in their eyes … or whatever other negativity they want to spew out of their mouths. They can’t handle real people. They have absolutely NO CLUE that they have many issues and problems they need to face … that they are too insecure to face.
So stop playing all his crazy talk in your head … we don’t need to fly east and scoop you off the floor because you collapsed over what a FOOL said to you.
God Loves you … as he does our EXs. God is working on us right now … he’ll take his time working with our EXs but they are bigger mess than we are … that’s why he’s working on us right now.
Peace to your sweet little heart there Iwonder. Hey, do you know some of the most famous and most eaten foods are leftovers … it was what our great grandmothers did with the left over roast the night before … they’d grind up the meat and shove it into pastries or deep dishes … aka raviolis, perrodgies, gawompkies, Shepard’s pie, dumplings, etc.
Mmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhh, mmmmmmmh good!
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Wini says:
Henry, Henry, Henry: I just had this image flashed through my mind … what if your perfect partner has a Great Dane for a puppy. It would be you, the new partner, the Great Dane and all the weenie pups. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I’m so twisted.
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henry says:
wini what was that movie with suzanne pleshette – she had weeny dogs and her husband had great danes? was it the love bug?—-iwonder wini is right we have to stop letting these bad x’s occupy so much of our minds – this is about us – what we need to do to never do it again – and we must learn from it – stop the bitterness – aint a damn thing we can do too undo it – so we must learn from it -
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Wini says:
Henry: Suzanne Peshette … now wasn’t she blessed by God’s creative nature putting her together. I always thought she was beautiful. I don’t remember the movie … but you are right about our EXs occupying our minds. Not Good for us. We have to remember our good qualities and our creativeness and thank God that we aren’t anything like our EXs.
Peace.
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EVOLutionLOVE says:
to wini,
read your lines from 24th of november and I found a really
good point there and it matches my P so well.
You said that your P watched all your steps and made sure that all deadlines where closed for to sue him about his debts
to you,
EXACTLY what my one tried to do, when SHE feelt fire was on
she tried to let time run out by HOOVERING me back for a whike by repeating her lies about eternal love and GAGAGAGA
did not swallow that and got her prosequted in the last minute
HOLY HELL who nasty their behaviour and gried is….
all the best
F
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lostingrief says:
Iwonder: you were not a leftover. he’s incapable of being happy with anyone … young, old, gorgeous, average, hot, tall, fat, smart, stupid …
they’re like those silver balls in a pinball machine, flopping from one thing/person to another … over and over … taking here, getting there, doing her, dumping her. it’s such a lost cause right from the beginning, every time they bounce. they’re incapable of being happy, settled, satisfied.
‘hungry ghosts’ — no matter how much they take, have, eat, f#$k, know, do, etc — they will never be okay with it.
one thing i don’t understand. if they’re so into moving on, why do they have so many long-term relationships?
point: it’s not you, honey. nothing he says is the truth anyway.
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Wini says:
lostingrief: The long term relationships are with people who have no clue (like daaaaaaaa, your truly … me) and wouldn’t even fathom to think this person was a master manipulator … until of course, it’s too late.
Who would normally think another person would be a monster doing anything to anyone to get what they want? We’re just average people, doing the 9 to 5, 5 or more days/week, paying our bills, being responsible adults … basically living our lives … and as we get older, we don’t take relationships for granted and put effort into letting our partners know they are loved and appreciated and that we will work with each other … Who would think another would just play you for everything they could and every word they utter is a blatant lie? Most of us assume those characters are long ago locked up already!
Peace. It’s ridiculous how they live their lives so shamelessly.
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jules says:
dear ladies: i also wonder if they ever stay with any one person permanantly. does any one woman put up with them forever. my ex seems to wwant a permanant relationship but then something always happens. when we were to gether he was all i want to settle down and do the couple thing, then after a while he was like i still want to go out all weekend if i feel like it i am young i am missing out on something. so he got bored right even though he said he loved me and all he wanted to do is be together. i was older than him and my party days were sort of behind me at that stage not for him i guess. he was very swayed y his single friends i noticed. time went on then i started to find things out and he changed and left me. said i wouldnt have to put up with his lies anymore. funny thing is hes such a party man loves going out everyweekend at night ect ect. hes totally hung up on a single mother with 3 kids i dont see her going out every nite in the weekend.they seem so restless his last one lasted 8 months then he sudenly just broke it off or she did and he didnt tell me the truth about her not sure. so does it ever last with them, i hope not cause i have been affected by him so much and wasted time i still dont have a partner and dearly wish i did,espec at christmas….any coments welcome
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Wini says:
Jules: “They” run, run, run, constantly on the go so they don’t have to sit down and reflect on the day’s events. If they did, they’d be horrified over reviewing their own actions for just that one day, never mind having to reflect on a few days … a week …a few weeks. Hey, if they sat down and reflected on their entire life, they’d have to stop their nonsense, it would repulse even the likes of them … that is why they constantly run from relationship to relationship, place to place … it’s easier to just blame everyone else than to slow down and have to analyze themselves. If you read the Bible, it specifically tells you to take time out each day to reflect. Now you know why they refuse to reflect.
Peace.
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Matt says:
Presseject: I’m new to Lovefraud, but your posting really rang a bell with me. In the early stages of our relationship I really felt like I was dealing with a child in an adult man’s body __ which in a weird way was a real turn on, I now realize because the rules that we adults are expected to obey, they encourage us to ignore, and we do — willingly.
The first time the S and I met, in a bar, he literally climbed onto my knee, like a kid playing horsey ride, and kept telling me “I LIKE you.” (I know, what the hell was I thinking). And then a few weeks later when he performed oral sex on me in my cab, and we had sex on my building’s terrace and on in my building’s gym, there was something about the experiences which turned me on because I felt like — WOW this is what it’s like to be footloose and fancy free and act like I don’t have a care in the world (possible arrests for public indecency notwithstanding).
Alas, we have to come back down to earth and return to being adults while the Ss we’re involved with continue their Peter Pan acts. Unfortunately, the return to earth is one hell of a hard landng.
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lostingrief says:
woke up from bad dreams. four months NC, but a few nights ago i was taking the bus home from school, gazing out the window and … lo and behold … there’s his car double parked (always — he NEVER obeys traffic rules) just north of my neighborhood where i know the new gf lives and my heart starts pounding. but i look away so he won’t see me and so i won’t see him or who he is with. it was difficult. that car … that passenger seat … was mine.
so then i have bad dreams last night: i dreamed i was crossing the street and he came out of a store with his new pregnant gf. of course, she was tall, thin with a delicately rounded belly, beautiful. like his wife. like many of his other conquests. me, not so much.
he was very friendly in the dream, and as soon as he saw me he said, ”hey, i want you to meet someone! i think you two would really hit it off!”
i ignored them and said something like, ‘i don’t want to know EITHER of you!” he laughed and said, ‘oh, so it’s like that? don’t be jealous … you know you still want this. (more laughing). don’t be like that. i thought we were best friends!”
i woke up; upset. went back to sleep and had another disturbing dream about him.
arrgghh… i’m crying and upset even though it was such a stupid dream. me: alone and lost him: still has everything and then some.
but i guess one thing he doesn’t have is … me.
i’ll have to make that my mantra for the day.
question: if he’s such a creep, why does he have so many relationships and so many friends? could i be wrong?
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Wini says:
lostingrief: Look at the bright side … you have ALL of us.
If it weren’t for your EX you never would have blogged with us … look who’s there for you at your beck and call? Anyone that is on line any time of the day or night!
I’d call US pretty special in your life for telling you the truth, not bad!
Peace to your heart and soul.
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Indigoblue says:
Foundrelief
They don’t have friends! They DON’T have relationships! They use everyone! They are Queen in chess! All the power none of the Responsibility! LOVE JJ
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OxDrover says:
DEAR LIG,
They have VICTIMS that just haven’t caught on, that does NOT=FRIENDS.
A friend is someone who cares about you, that you can trust. They FOOL people into caring about them, but they don’t care in return. The relationships are always ALWAYS victim and con, never NEVER “friends.”
Your dreams were unpleasant but at the same time, they are your mind and heart trying to resolve this. I used to have them almost every night, but when I got the message the dreams were trying to tell me, they stopped. Hang in there, sweetie, Wini is right! We are here for you! (((LIG))))
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henry says:
LIG _ I am at 9 months NC – when I was a 4 months like you I will still in the fog. Time equals History – I guess for me any kind of rejection is difficult – but I have to remember I rejected him and told him to leave. All he lost was his power he had over me and that power was (in my mind) love…When he realized he had no power to manipulate me he moved on to another fool. What did they have to offer us? Alot of pain – thats all I remember about him now – pain- yes I am alone and he is with someone but ya know we have a pretty good idea whats going on with them and the new victim. I wouldn’t trrade places with the new victim at all. They have years of pain ahead of them. The pain of them being gone is just pain of what they pretended to be, it never was a healthy relationship and I dont think they will ever have a healthy relationship. I have to tell myself when I am feeling like you that there is just no way it would ever work – I will never see him again – he will never be in my house again or my life. So I have even stopped thinking about a new relationship with some one else. If I am going to compare a new relationship with what I had with the X then I am doomed. Sociopath’s give us something that is not normal or healthy but very comfortable and secure. I have found my comfort and security in the man in the mirror – me. Nobody never ever will be like our X’s – it was abnormal – not healthy – and if we want something like that again then we still have work to do. I still dream about my X – but they are never good dream’s……..and also – when I think of him and his new victim – my mind make’s it seem better than it actually is – in reality he is just playing his game of survival and someone is being used – at least I am not being used -
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Indigoblue says:
Wana Play Chess?
First off , Ya need to go get me some Beer and Ciggaretts! And Ofcourse I go First! LOVE JJ
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lostingrief says:
thank you all for your loving comments.
i’m just feeling devastated today, and crying a lot, so i guess i’ll just go with it for now. i hate when it grabs my heart all over again … less and less, but it still hurts like hell.
what hurts so much is knowing that his new gf is getting the best of him. i remember it well. it was perfect. he was gorgeous and he thought i was, too. the affection was cathartic; the sex was magic. we promised that no one would ever come between us.
i miss it. i miss him. i miss his touch, and his voice, and his eyes gazing into mine, and his smooth skin, and his arms around me. i never felt more safe in my entire life.
i know tomorrow will be better, but how can they fool everyone? i feel like i’m on the ouside — all alone — and he’s in there with the entire world adoring him. and i hate it.
sigh.
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Iwonder says:
Hi LIG:
I know it sucks to give 110% and get like 10% back. I hated last Christmas and how I got zip…zero..nada for a present. After 2 years of giving everything to him.
It’s been 7 months since my ex left me. I tried dating the first few months but stopped because I just wasnt ready to give anymore to anyone. Now I’m ok. I’m dating this guy who seems nice so far but I know I can’t give 100% to him right now. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe as time goes on I’ll trust enough to give again. But it’s good to get out and talk to this new guy.
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jules says:
lig:christmas is hard for all of us who been hurt by them i hate it. but we musnt think of how good it was or we are dwelling in the pain. i say think of the pain confusion and all the horrbile things he did and you wont miss nearly as much. i dont think they have freinds they may call them freinds but they are victims and sad delusional people bein used by a master manipulator . its not love or special or anything they want us to think, right now listen carefully here it is a huge f…… con and it is desgusting the way they treated us.the new girlfreinds are not getting much cause sooner or later or later his mind will wander and he will be looking for something else to amuse himself, they have no loyalty. he will find something about the new girl that is not perfect and he will start to lose interest in her, or she will start figuring him out and it will go sour. just remember these things please. my ex s path lives near by me too unfortunatlly and he is prob with some other girl right now so i know how you feel. i dont see him often around here thank god but once or twice i have seen him and he just walked past me. the only time he sniffs around to find me is when he has no other woman to ocupy him. christmas is har its my birthday soon too after christmas and i have no one to share it with but at least no one is screwin with mymind. thanks.
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henry says:
LIG What you are feeling is normal – all I can say is it will fade with time – please remember in the beginning it is always so perfect – so everything we dreamed of – we thought we had found the one and only. Please remember how these people operate – that is what they thrive on, is the new (beginnings) with someone that does not know them the way we do. And they would continue (new beginnings) with us every month or so if we allowed it. But with us they look at us and see that we know what they are and they don’t want to know what they are – they avoid it. And that is the irony – for a spath not to see themselves is a great victory – for us it the ultimate defeat.. Iwonder we are all so happy for you – but give’s us a break with the new man – it is saturday nite and a full moon!!!!!geeze~~~!!!
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Iwonder says:
LIG,
Jules is right. We’ll be alone Christmas time but at least not with someone who just obviously doesn’t give a flying BLEEP.
Henry:
Don’t be jealous. The guy is going to France for the holidays. I will be here blogging with you!
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henry says:
well let’s all get painted up and go too town~~~!!!!
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Iwonder says:
Henry: Sounds like a plan. Can you come up North?
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lostingrief says:
thanks everyone. he won’t win. i’m too stubborn for that!
but as far as christmas goes this year … right now i say:
humbug.
tomorrow will be better …
night all.
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Iwonder says:
LIG: Not a creature was stirring…not even a mouse. Sometimes quiet and no drama is good!!
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lostingrief says:
hi Iw:
i am enjoying the lack of drama, for sure. my home is a sanctuary again. but it’s hard not to miss the ‘good’ parts.
and even though i do, i never want to see him again … ever.
so, getting used to a ‘single’ lifestyle again — after so many years — is an adjustment.
unlike you, however, i don’t ever want to date again either. i’m welcoming alone … for a long, long time.
but you are a trooper, and i wish you the absolute best in your friendships.
luv to all.
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Stargazer says:
Hi everyone,
I had a minor setback recently. Let’s just say I see the writing on the walls about my reptile site. I am probably going to have to quit it cold turkey. My ex has not reappeared, but let’s just say his presence is felt there via mutual friends he probably chums around with on other sites. The level of betrayal of some of these people is very upsetting to me. I just don’t think I can handle any more betrayal. I don’t even know if it’s real or just imagined by me connecting the dots on some of the things I’m reading there. Either way, if he can still have this much effect on me, I need to leave. It’s very upsetting to me. That site has been a big part of my life for 2 years now. I so enjoy coming home after a long day and just being silly with my internet friends. It’s so unfair that they can drive us out of our own lives in order to have NC. I hate this.
Hope everyone else is faring a little better this week.
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henry says:
star – (Idont know if it’s real or imagined by me) I am guilty of letting my mind run wild with just a tid bit of info and before you know it I have created a situation that doesn’t even exsist. I think the absolute craziness of living with these twisted alien’s really screws with out reality – don’t jump to conclusion’s about your snake site..and remember there is a full moon tonite and you are a scorpio!!! So just chill – it will be better tomorrow—-
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OxDrover says:
Dear Star,
I know you have had fun on that site, etc. and you may be, like Henry said, maybe making a mountain out of a mole hill, but that is not the only reptile site out there, number one, and number two, sometimes we just have to let go of some of these people on the fringes of our lives because of the Ps. Nope, it is NOT FAIR, but honey, who told you life was fair? It isn’t and that is just the way it is. Yep, it ain’t fair that it ain’t fair. (((hugs))))
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henry says:
hey Oxy – what are you doing up so late? Ready for the winter weather? I am notorious for making mountains out of mole hills – but right now I am trying to kill some gopher’s they are just taking over my property – I bought some traps – so far no luck – i need to get me some cats i guess or borrow one of stars snakes. Oxy I put up my tree this year first time in 3 years – it was nice doing it all alone – I have so many ornaments that the boys have bought me over the years – was fun digging through my xmas junk – I didnt even attempt it when ding a ling was here he was such an asshole when it came to holidays – I am planning a get together with my boys their wives and my three grandkids have been buying gift’s wrapping etc – i am going to cook – the boys love my sourcreme yeast rolls – anyhow the sting of past is fading – and I am more me than I have been in a very long time hope all is good with you
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Indigoblue says:
Star
I would’nt let your analysis of the environment be your Guide!
1. They Have no Real Friends , only pawns!
2. The attention span is limited! , It must be stimulateing constantly!
3. You are aware of the Game and that it has no rules! this virtually makes you Incharge of any situation!
4. You are no longer in denial , caught in a spell , Barbed by the HOOK , the reflection has broken , the mask removed!
5. Your Not the same person anymore ! Your The New and Improved model! And it’s not just a shirt you wear ! The Software has been Updated!
Welcome Dirt Bag ! Wana Play Chess ! No plastic accepted this is a Cash only Game ! LOVE JJ
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lostingrief says:
star: i agree with the others.
it’s easy to read WAY into their actions and those of people who know them. but i certainly understand that NC often means cutting ties with ANYONE who might have ANYTHING to do with them. but you enjoy your snake site so much, and there is no concrete indication that there’s any explicit goings-on that might harm you.
he’s probably already 200 steps beyond it, anyway. their constant need for new stimulation is rampant!
do what you feel you need to do, but try not to lose what you love through the fog of the past.
(((hugs)))
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Stargazer says:
Thanks, everyone. I will try not to jump to conclusions. But it gets harder being there without being able to tell people the truth. I do develop friendships over there, but then there is this wall, where I cannot tell them why I have long absences or when certain things upset me. So in a way, it’s a perfect site for sociopaths, because you cannot ever get very deep with your feelings with anyone. I do have one close friend I met there, but she left the site a few months ago. I always wonder with everyone there if they have befriended the S over on the other site where he hangs out.
BTW, Henry, I’m not a Scorpio. I’m actually a Libra, but I have several planets in Scorpio, including Venus, which is much worse I think!!! You’re right, I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill. I don’t know if the S is behind the things I’m seeing. But sadly, if I quit this site, I cannot be on any others. There are other reptile sites, but they all have the same members give or take a few. I just need to get over the anger and then maybe distance myself a little. Betrayal seems to be the theme of my life these days. I’ve had it on the reptile site. I’ve gone through it at work with friends there. I’ve been betrayed by other massage therapists trying to compete for clients……… By nature, I’m a people person. But sometimes I really just hate people.
You guys rock. This is the ONLY place I can talk about this. Not only do you understand about sociopaths, but you understand about internet friendships.
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Stargazer says:
Also, I am regularly invited to join other reptile forums. Everyone always wants me to be a moderator on those forums as well, which I usually decline. I was one of the founding members of the forum where the S now hangs out. He hangs out there because he knows I don’t go over there any more. The army had forbid him from having any contact with me, so maybe this is why he stays on that site. However, he has signed up for several other sites. If I joined another site and got very involved with it, he could show up at any time, and then I’d have to leave.
Wow, I really need to just get off the internet. It all sounds very pathetic. At least I do have a real life, too. I recently planned the big holiday party for my department. I went on Friday night and had a blast. Today, my boss and I are going to a movie and for drinks. I know I have one foot in the door of reality and not getting TOO lost in the virtual world.
I have made a decision to use what’s left of my emergency fund to purchase some beautiful contemporary furniture off Craig’s list. With some decent furnishings in my little condo, I can start having parties and entertaining. This tends to ward off the holiday blues a little. I wish so many of you lived closer and could come too. I like to have “Office Space” parties where we all watch that movie. I also like to have dance parties.
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akitameg says:
Dear Elizabeth and PB–
I am sorry that I have not been able to read your responses to my post from Dec. 11th until now. Cou,ldn’t remember where i posted and had to email Donna.
Thank you for your answers. yes new job- I am lucky and blessed kind of–being trained/paid training for a flight attendant and only 7 of us will graduate in two weeks out of 31. I am still in-
have not sent any letters to any doctors. It is soooo scary you guys. How calculated he was. How he dotted his eyes and crossed his t’s– and before he even made his evil moves. It just makes me livid– like I am being raped again and again (I was raped at 19– a virgin and do you know this is 1 million, trillion times worse!?)– knowing that a psychologist– who his mommy was paying at his age of 38 to see– thinks I am the crazy one? He had no idea what his own patient is– unreal– true evil..
thanks again for your responses. they mean more than you know. How much would it suck if I did write the stupid doc and he told the S and he used it against me??? I just doubt that he would. oh well–
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pb says:
Well, aside from some stuff I still have in his storage (I have to wait until he gets his Christmas stuff out), I shall be doing the NC thing as soon as that’s done. I wouldn’t bother but there are decorations my son made when he was three years old and I really want them back. Somehow they got packed up with his Christmas stuff two years ago.
We talked a few days ago, and he actually admitted he’s an abuser.
“I’m an abusive piece of s**t, and you need to deal with it. I have. I’ve been in enough counselling (since the court date) and I know now that even though it isn’t who I am, it is inside me and I can never live with a woman again…I’m sorry. Unfortunately, someone (his ex-wife) poked the bear and you came along at the wrong time.”
I got it all on tape too…not that anyone will hear it – it just makes me feel better.
I was shaking for an hour after, and completely shocked that he actually said it. I think he even referred to himself as a “monster” at one point.
So, in the last two weeks I have gone from being completely bewildered and unable to understand what happened to me; to understanding and actually getting the truth from him. The vague apology is the best I’ll ever get.
Now I just need my stuff, and that is it.
People don’t understand. I needed to get some sort of resolution in my head – to make it make sense, and now it does.
Thanks be for this site. I couldn’t understand how someone could claim to love me and treat me the way he did.
I tried to return to work on light duty this week and I couldn’t stop crying. All I could think about was my ex best friend. I realize now that he had started the smear campaign long before the assault. That’s why, on the night of the assault, she sent her b/f to pick up his daughter and never called me to see how I was. When we did talk, she was judging me.
That hurts far more than anything, really. I could’ve dealt with this had I had my friend by my side.
That’s the last time I leave myself with only one good friend.
One foot in front of the other…one day at a time.
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muldoon says:
MY god….thats me….what you say is everything \I feel and give or take some physical abuse what I have endured.
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Stargazer says:
Well, it has been close to a week that I have stayed off the reptile site, due to my paranoia that my ex is chumming around with people there (real or imagined, I will never know). I have to say, I’m starting to feel human again, breaking the internet addiction. I have, however, been experiencing a lot of anxiety. One of these days if finances permit, I will find a decent therapist and maybe get on meds for anxiety/depression. In the meantime, avoiding all of these negative situations that relate to my ex seems to be helping me stay more calm. Don’t underestimate the post-traumatic stress disorder you get in the aftermath of a sociopath.
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Healing Heart says:
Yes – I think we do get some form of Post-traumatic Stress disorder from these relationships. It is traumatizing – all the violation. The recovery process seems like a long and hard one. S’s have been around for a long time – what the hell did survivors do before the internet? It seems like the internet has been lifesaver for so many of us. Maybe advances in communcation will ultimately take down the sociopaths because we are exposing them. Still, I suspect its only a small fraction of us who actually get online. I mean really if 1 to 4% of the population are S’s, then literally millions of people are victims, like us, in the US alone, every year. And what are there, like 15 of us, right now, actively blogging? I know this isn’t the only blog – but seriously….there are probably about 10 million other heartbroken, devastated, S victims, just like us, right now just feeling horribly confused, beaten, and alone. We are the lucky ones. Maybe you guys SHOULD write that book – we should all write books. I guess we need to save ourselves, first. Then maybe we can reach out to the others
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pb says:
I wasn’t sure whether I was dealing with an S, N, or P…
I’ve got it now. The lunatic is a Cluster B Narcissist. I’m certain.
Crikey! There are nine diagnostic criteria, and you need five. My N hits eight of them.
I’ve read my journals for the whole time we were together. It’s all there now that I have fresh eyes.
Yeesh!
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Elizabeth Conley says:
PB,
OUWWWWWCH!!! Narcissists are sneaky buggers. I’m sorry you went through that. God Bless You in the Coming Year!!!
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Elizabeth Conley says:
PB,
“I tried to return to work on light duty this week and I couldn’t stop crying. All I could think about was my ex best friend. I realize now that he had started the smear campaign long before the assault. That’s why, on the night of the assault, she sent her b/f to pick up his daughter and never called me to see how I was. When we did talk, she was judging me.
That hurts far more than anything, really. I could’ve dealt with this had I had my friend by my side.”
Classic result of a narcissist’s smear campaign. You have no idea they’ve started the smear campaign until they’ve blown you to pieces and you’ve no one to turn to. Their reputation remains pristine, your’s has been shredded. It’s the ultimate cognitive dissonance, if you are the type of person who believes the world to be fair or benign. It almost makes you mistrust gravity and wonder if the sun will rise tomorrow. Your entire world view is shattered at the foundation.
Be kind to yourself. It passes.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Elizabeth,
You are so right about the cognitive dissonance!
A work place or a group with the “whispering campaigns” can be a horrible place to be, and when the support system that you THOUGHT you had turns out to be GONE, it is a “double whammy” on you, so you not only lost them when you need them most, you have to contend with it “ALONE.”
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