Welcome to Lovefraud Land
PDF By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick…emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear…your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your … well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) … which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with…you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Wini says:
StarG: I wonder about friends that defend or EXs … they too are wrapped a little too tight form my liking.
Peace … just keep your eyes on those friends that constantly back up your EX. There are the few exceptions that haven’t a clue to how evil selfishness is … then their are those friends that are selfish in their own rights … not as bad as our EXs … but selfish just the same … and I find that they don’t like to out anyone playing the selfish games. They do more damage to our psyches than you can imagine (the friends that back our EXs).
I now put my female friends into three categories. Those that backed my EX and tried to make me feel like I was imagining things … they are in the Selfish category … on a scale 1-10, doesn’t matter. The ones that are clueless … they are put into my “decent category of friends, but useless). Of course there are my friends that stuck with me through thick or thin … know what’s going on … definite (DECENT category).
That’s one good thing that happens when our EX’s were ousted …they outed a lot of so-called friends along with them. Sit back and watch these so-called friends in the future … they will slip their masks too when they think no one is looking.
I also figure out when bosses put you down if you try to explain an anti-social personality to them and they want you to believe they just don’t get it … that it must be us looking at this co-worker wrong … cause the boss is one too. Again, not wanting to expose the anti-social personality, because they are one too.
Peace.
(Report abusive comment)
inthebreach57 says:
Wini,
Defending the ex…definitely a good break down of the players in our life. The shock of ones exposed that you would never dream would back up and excuse the abusive behavior they saw us suffer from the P’s, N’s, etc. It’s a bit of their fear of their own unmasking for sure. Really makes you think about what their personal agenda with us was also.
(Report abusive comment)
lostingrief says:
star:
when i listened to my ex-s/p/n’s voicemail, i had friends who said i was ‘stalking’ him too. can you believe that? it’s okay for him to be deceiving me on a majestic level, but for me to find out is stalking? holy crap.
i don’t necessarily think these ‘friends’ had ulterior motives, i just think that my ex was sooooo charming, that they gave him the benefit of the doubt even as they saw me crumbling under the weight of lies i couldn’t prove.
i’m at 4 months NO CONTACT! no contact with anyone. no former friends, no contact with anyone in his family (this one is tough — they were like my family), no acquaintances. NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC =
much much better.
TOWANDA!!!!
off to church to pray for all of us …
happy sunday.
(Report abusive comment)
Trinity says:
Wini, no one could upset me as much as he did lol so don’t worry what you said was the truth. After four years of sharing my life and doing everything for him and being his best friend and completely faithful to him he did this to me.
I believe he targeted me from a long time ago. I have brought this up to people and they don’t believe me. He knew I just got out of a relationship with someone and immediately started but he wasn’t charming he was mysterious. He liked the feeling of being scary to other people and often did things and would ask do you think people are scared of me? So what he did was be scary to others and show me his softer side and would say your different your not scared of me do you trust me? I’m such an idiot to think I would make an exception to someone many people stayed away from I just feel like screaming at myself. There was so many things that should have stopped me from seeing him but I ignored them and I never will again. I had dreams before I found out what he really was about him leaving me and I seen a woman with blonde hair. I had another dream about his cell phone and all women in his phone and the phone turned into a game. I had another dream that called him my nemesis. I should have listened but I am listening now. I recently had another dream about blackness with him and I am staying as far away from him as I can.
You said how you place friends into categories and its weird how people seem to show their true colors during these times. I think like you and others said they are scared you will figure them out too. I think I know more than one sociopath.
Thanks again and I am hoping I can start writing here no contact saved me life and I am finally happy.
(Report abusive comment)
Trinity says:
Hi Henry, thank you I just feel so stupid for accpeting what he said because I know deep down inside he wasn’t sincere. I could tell because he never said sorry. When I told him the reason I didn’t talk to him before was because he didn’t have the ability to apologize and he looked away as if it was something he needed to comprehend and made weird facial expressions and then looked up and was like yeah your right…. silence… I’m sorry. It was so insincere. I questioned him about other girls that night and his mask almost slipped off because his eyes became very dark and his stare… that his true face his evil face. He gave me that same stare before and when I gave him back the ring he gave me. Black eyes filled with rage.
Your doing very good with no contact I hope I can be as strong. I am determined even if its the only thing I can do for now and even if I am lonely and depressed… no contact because I have to believe better things will be in my future. I believe we all have better things for us in the future we just need to embrace our freedom and see getting away from these evil people as a blessing in disguise.
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henry says:
In the end the final discard belong’s to us. We set the limit. We end the dance. They have no limits and are unable to do this. The abyss between devaluation by our partner and the ultimate discard by our choice is bridged when we realize that there is no going back in any way. No friendship, no enmity, there can be nothing at all.
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Trinity says:
Hi Inthebreach57, thank you and as I stated before I do feel stupid but I wanted so bad for the nightmare to end and to believe he wasn’t a sociopath and that he loved me.
After I found his phone I couldnt help it I became enraged and I am not a violent person. I couldn’t comprehend his insanity and confronted him which I know is not the best thing to do. This proved to me he was never going to change. In his phone he was writing me and asking me to go over his house and I would and while writing that he was writing another woman things and while sitting right next to me in his house he was writing another woman. I lost it and hit him. I think everything he put me through in the four years I’ve been with him just went into attack mode. I know believe he was unfaithful from the very beginning which I was in denial before and I believe he never loved me.
His mood swings were horrible. He would go from kind to rage in 10 seconds for no reason. I wrote before I left the bathroom light on and he turned it off and threw his coat at the wall and was all mean… why? Are you kidding me? I would ask certain questions and his rage would show and he almost never answered me or told me I was ruining his day. There was times I was driving with him and for no reason he would start driving crazy and from side to side and stop short and than he was like oh am I scaring you? I’m sorry its fun scaring you. Right after that we went back to his house and again for no reason he was like I’m going to go inside and kill my dog. I was horrified and but reamined cool so he didn’t know I was scared and was like why? He just laughed im just kidding. Normal people don’t do that or say those things.
He left bruises on me this time and a couple times before from grabbing at me or being rough with me. He would get sexually excited from holding me down or being forceful with me. He was playing around according to him when he was putting pillows over my face or grabbing at my throat. He would throw things or kick my stuff around or get right in my face to back me down. He would sit down and start hitting his hand on things making a lot of noise and stare at me for no reason again and I think this was his way of intimidating me.
Emotionally whenever I cried or was upset he showed no concern. In the beginning of the relationship I would question him and he would say tell me what you want or I don’t feel the right feelings. That should have been the number one warning to me but I had no idea this was a part of a problem known as sociopathy. Now when I am upset he will ignore me, walk away, yawn in my face, or if I ask a question he won’t answer most of the time only scream what? or give me one word answers. And his rage was not normal either. He would get so enraged and than an hour later he acted like nothing. He would be like why are you still upset that was in the past… an hour ago? You were screaming and attacking me and now everything is fine because you say so? Or we would get into a fight and an hour later he would be like that was a really good dinner you made…. no sorry no nothing. He is sick. Although I don’t believe he is insane I am not letting him claim insanity because everything is intentional. He is evil.
I am no contact for 3 days now. And soon it will be 3 weeks and 3 months and 3 years. I am never going never him again. Thanks for writing and reading I know I wrote a lot its because no one around me understands me or will listen.
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Indigoblue says:
Trinity
Join The CLUB!:)~
I think each and everyone of us here has felt the exact same way! Many Times over!
Please Read OxD; Forgiving Yourself For Being Human Tue Sept 9 2008 in archives!
This is paramount to Healing! LOVE JJ
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Indigoblue says:
TEMPIST
The Raging Storm! Perfect!
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Trinity says:
Hi Stargazer, I have been thinking about that a lot… I need to protect myself from someone I loved. My friends don’t seem to think very much of bruises on my arms or what he has done to me and it upsets me. He stalks me. He walks around outside my house and plays games on his phone asking why my room is dark and when I ask where he is there is no answer. Or he will say go outside and show himself. For some reason he wants control over me and I don’t know why. I think I give him his power to do certain things but I am taking it back its not his and he used to say we are too much a like and soulmates… no we are complete opposites and my soulmate is still out there. I read a blog that tried to explain why the sociopath clings to certain people and it said because you have become part of them because they capture your personality. I believe this is true and even now after cheating on me and hurting me he gets jealous over me… I don’t like that. I am not his and he does not own me. Your right after you realize certain things no contact is easy. I just need to let go of my hurt and anger now.
(Report abusive comment)
Trinity says:
Hi Indigoblue :] thanks I will read it now.
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Wini says:
No Trinity – He didn’t take on your personality … and now he thinks he’s a soul mate …that was just lip service he gave you to get what he wanted. Sex, food on the table, a roof over his head … any other bennies you had that he wanted. The cat and mouse games are just that … games he plays cause his toy mouse is trying to get away and live her own life.
You are his property … and when he says it’s over, it’s over … not the toy. The toy doesn’t have a right to say or decide anything.
Peace … and NO CONTACT … NO EXPLANATIONS, NO PHONE CONTACT, NO E-MAIL, NO US MAIL … And keeping the lights down low is a GOOD idea.
Maybe, he’ll get bored and leave you alone.
Peace.
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Truthseeker says:
Hi everyone, I am new here. I found this site a while ago and finally joined. I have known for years there was something not right with my boyfriend and finally I think I understand.
We were together for 4 years and he left me… devastated me. He left me an emotional, psychological, and physical wreck. After months of going back and forth he finally “accepted” our relationship and we are together. But… he has confessed he believes he might suffer from antisocial personality disorder aka… sociopath.
I want to share my story with you if that’s alright? I need someone to talk to… I don’t have the money for a psychologist and once I tried to explain and she looked at me like I was from another planet. I tried talking to family members but they don’t understand and it gets personal. I just wanted to know if I can turn to this blog for help and to share my story. Thank you.
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MariaLisa says:
truthseeker
welcome!
are you together now? that wasnt clear from your post…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Truthseeker,
You have arrived at a place of healing ifyou have been involved with a psycho/socio-path. You can tell your story if you wish, or part of it. Telling our stories and being believed and validate is a big part of the healing process.
Few people will “get it” about psychopaths unless they have studied them or been unfortunate to have been in a situation with one and happen to know the name. Most people just call them liars, jerks, creeps, manipulators, domestic abusers, addiccts or 100 other derogatory words, and many times they ARE ALL those things, but also MORE….more EVIL. More damaging.
I suggerst that you continue to read the old archived articles, there is great insight and wisdom in those articles, and blog here with us. Stay around, this story is about THEM but also about US and how we can get away, stay away and heal, because as long as we are with them or go back, we never can heal. It is a painful process I admit, because they leave nothing BUT pain in their wake, but we are SUVIVORS, and stronger and more powerful. KNOWLEDGE=POWER Take back your power to be yourself, take back your power to be free of abuse. God bless. Glad you are here.
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Truthseeker says:
Hi thank you for welcoming me. I need to ask for a favor… can I please email my story to someone to read… I am scared to put it online because now he knows I know and he looks it up and this site isn’t difficult to find. I don’t want him to know I am writing about him. I understand if you don’t want to give out your email. I will do my best to hide more personal details. Thank you again and God Bless.
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learnthelesson says:
Recently there have been request for exchanging emails…I personally do not feel comfortable with doing so. I hope you are able to share your story leaving out more personal details ( as we all have had to do for our protection)… If you are in a relationship with him NOW and are scared of him — take some time to figure out why you are staying based on that fact alone.
Since you are back with him now after 4 years and he has admitted to you he thinks he is a Sociopath — that puts you ahead of the process of confirmation and knowledge of what you are dealing with.
I hope you are able to share your story here, but I caution you if you think he is reading…perhaps pose questions that may be beneficial to you in receiving answers..
Also you will find many stories similar to yours in the archives here and that will help you a great deal in understanding as well. Im glad you are here and hope you find answers you seek..
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MariaLisa says:
i agree with learnthelesson.
there is information on Lovefraud about how to end things with a psychopath in a safe manner. I think that is the starting point.
Good luck!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Truthseeker,
If you want someone to see your post before you post it,, I suggest that you send it to the site owner, Donna Anderson, you will find her e mail on the home page or under “contact us” she is very approachable and many people have done this.
I do suggest that you change enough details (age, where you live, maybe occupation or anything else that might identify you. good luck on your healing path, this is a good place to start, go back and read and read and read all the older articles. Knowledge=power and we must take back our power! (((hugs))))
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Escapee says:
Truthseeker
You’re in the right place! Everyone here has suffered, in varying degrees, at the hands of a S/P/N and understands that emotional and psychological damage that you most certainly will have sustained and are suffering.
You may not get all the answers, you may not get an instant solution, you may not get immediate relief but you WILL get understanding and support.
Keep posting for strength.
All love Escapee
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Truthseeker says:
Thank you so much everyone and I am going to email Donna Anderson. I am nervous about posting certain things on here because now he is researching… but I do have a question maybe someone can help me with?
I want to know why me? I feel targeted for some reason. Between leaving me, cheating with other females, and going back and forth from loving to treating me so inhumane I need to know why he is with me. If he is a sociopath… why does he keep picking me? He tells me I am his opposite and I complete him. He tells me he would always protect me. He seems extremely protective over me as if he owns me… but he doesn’t seem to understand why my feelings get hurt when he does things that upset me. What is it that I have that he wants?… I need to know and I need to know how to not be a “perfect target”… thanks again everyone. Its very difficult to talk to anyone about this and I am trying to answer a lot of questions.
God Bless.
Truthseeker
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learnthelesson says:
Dear Truthseeker,
The thing is … you are not the only one he has or is targeting. He just makes you feel like you are the only one..or “the best one”….
He is with you… or they have all been with us..because…
WE ALLOW or ALLOWED THEM TO BE AND TO KEEP RETURNING.
Need to stop listening to and believing his words — its in his actions…leaving you, cheating on you, going back and forth, inhumane… those are your answers about him and who he is. his words are just words.
Its not that he doesnt understand why your feelings get hurt — its that he just doesnt care why your feelings get hurt. He wants you to be his perfect little puppy who never complains and lets him do whatever he wants.
You have what he wants ( what we all have had) after going thru this…
little self=respect, low self- trust, minimal self -love…
To not be the perfect target — find your self-respect, your self-love and self-trust…. believe in you and what you deserve and dont settle for him or his crumbs…
None of which is easy but all of which is possible.. only when you have truly had enough of him and his never changing ways… you are the ship that steers the change for yourself in your life…when you are ready!!!
Hang in there!!!
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ErinBrockovich says:
Truthseeker:
He’s ‘standard’.
You are a loving caring trusting person…..all good qualities.
I think you are onto a very very good start with your question!
Do you have a therapist you are working with?
This was my question and I am seeing things in my journey of healing that i placed myslef out into the world as……and quite frankly still vulnerable……WE ALL ARE!
Unless we are S’s too, and don’t give a damn, or have a heart……ofcourse we are vulnerable.
I would continue down your path of finding your answers…..none of us here can answer that for you……..but through our journeys and shared experiences you will find…..you are seeking!
GREAT START!
(Assuming your out and NC!!!!) THis is a must.
You are not broken, so don’t try to fix anything…….
Raise your awareness, educate yourself……and read read read what others here have lived and learned…….learn through others journeys.
You do not need to be in any hurry to ‘tell your story’…..If your scared. We all have a clue…..
I suggest writing it down, continue to write things down as they come to you, as you figure it out…..its a great excercise.
When the time is right….if you feel okay….then post it…..if not, we all fully understand.
Keep yourself safe……#1~~~!!!!!!
The question of ‘WHY’ is perplexing……for sure!
Put it this way…….WHY does a non smoker get cancer? WHY is the earth round…..WHY , WHY, WHY……
This is the crazymaking question! You will find your answer through your self education……Maybe, or maybe not.
WHY, because he’s a sociopath and he set you up to be his victim……is that good enough…..no it still leaves a ‘why’……
Don’t go there!
He wants someone to be puppeteir to, he wants to control HIS world, he wants to be GOD, if you want to be in a relationship with him, you MUST WORSHIP HIM, take his abuse, allow him to be the ‘boss’ and go along with anything he desires and BTW….shut up and like it!!!!!
NOT a normal relationship, not a normal person…..the farther away you get from him (with time) the more you will see this……the FOG will life, you will be able to put on your decoder glasses and see it for what it is…..you will accept it and grow, but allow it time!
OH, and yeah……YOU WON”T CHANGE HIM!!!!!! PERIOD!!!
Good luck girl…..keep reading…..we are here!
XXOO
EB
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Truthseeker says:
Hi everyone,
I wanted to say I haven’t visited this site in a while but I am back. No matter how hard I try to believe he is not a sociopath… it just keeps showing up. Everything I search and read… antisocial personality disorder keeps showing up… sociopath…. I am not sure what to believe anymore… how can someone I love so much… be empty? I feel the need to love and protect him… although he hurts me; I’m not sure what is wrong with me.
Its been about a year since I thought he was a sociopath. I have been watching him… I know the rule; no contact and I have read the books… but how do I know for sure? What if I am wrong? He read some information and said it sounds like him… but then he added no, because he is fond of certain people. He told me a long time ago he “doesn’t feel the right emotions” and I had no idea what that meant (this was like 5 years ago) I thought maybe he is depressed? He told me he suffered from depression but it didn’t seem right… he seemed bored and lazy more then sad. I tried to relate because I myself suffer from anxiety. Recently I asked him if he felt sad… ever… and he stared at me and said, no, and I asked if he feels bad for hurting others and he said, no, “pity” and I asked…. if he had a conscience…. he laughed and said no…. these questions were asked randomly and he answered them… then acted like he didn’t know what he just said to me and told me he was scared… he also grabbed my throat…. yeah I know I can feel you all screaming at me now….
There is a history of pain and I am trying to endure it and really understand him… I don’t want to believe he is a sociopath…. what if he’s not? What if it’s something else?…
Thanks for reading and I will post more about my experience as time goes on I can’t do it all at once I try to forget as much as I can right now….
-TS
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justabouthealed says:
TS—-it doesn’t matter WHAT he is. Let’s say he is just a garden variety jerk. Let’s even say he is a WONDERFUL guy who has hurt you. Why do you feel the need to love and protect someone who has hurt you? That is not your job. Your job is to love and protect yourself FIRST and foremost.
Forget the diagnosis and just read some good common sense at , for instance, http://www.baggagereclaim.co.u.....available/
In a way, when he try to “fix” these guys, we are trying to control them! He has the right to be as big a jerk as he wants to be. He just doesn’t have the right to treat YOU that way, if you make that clear. If he then walks, GOOD. Your boundary has rejected him!
My fiance was a wonderful guy who decided to grab my throat one night. I took off the ring and threw it on the floor. He had crossed a line. I hate to say it, because I love dogs, but if a dog crosses the line and draws blood from you, he will do it again and is a very dangerous dog that you can’t take a chance on living with. Same with a man.
Do you know how hard it is to change yourself? How many years it takes? And you have to WANT to change. You are beating your head against a brick wall and TRYING TO MAKE HIM BECOME A BETTER PERSON. If HE wanted to do that, he’d be taking action steps. He’d be getting therapy. He’s enroll in anger management classes. He would say “Let me please earn your trust back over the next year if you are willing to give me a chance.” But even then, I would tell him, buddy, you had your chance and you blew it. If you really want to help HIM, maybe losing you forever will be a life lesson he will take to heart and someone else can have him in five years if he manages to straighten himself out.
But the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. He doesn’t even feel remorse.
What is compelling you to put your life at risk and devote your soul to saving someone who doesn’t want to be saved?
I’m sounding harsh. I’ve been you, believe me. I’m finally recovered. God, I wish someone had convinced me long ago to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS. MY life, MY happiness. I’m a good hearted GIVING person, but I devote myself to, for instance, abused animals who now need a loving home with patience. THEY want and need and APPRECIATE the help.
Hugs to you.
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justabouthealed says:
I meant when WE try to fix these guys.
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justabouthealed says:
PS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You have wonderful traits of empathy, tons of love to give, understanding, forgiveness, etc. GREAT if you are dealing with a sweet puppy dog. BAD if what you have in your lap is instead a rattlesnake.
YOU”VE got a rattlesnake. It has already struck at you and at others. You keep wishing and hoping that it is kitten or a puppy. It is NOT. It will hurt you because that is what they do.
(Report abusive comment)
Matt says:
Truthseeker:
Rather than trying to pin a diagnosis on him, maybe the better starting point for you would be to ask yourself “how does this relationship make me feel?”
It is obvious to me you have invested a lot emotionally in him. But, you, at least from where I am standing, am not getting a lot back in return.
I felt exactly the same emotions with my S as you feel with the person in your life. I felt the need to protect him. I was constantly being hurt by him. I kept trying to change myself to meet his ever moving goal-lines. And mine exhibited a lot of the same behavior your’s did. At the end I decided he was a sociopath. But whether or not he meets all the criteria in Robert Hare’s checklist is irrelevant. As he himself points out, all you need are one or two of the indicators on his checklist and you should get out.
Do not let the fact the person in your life is “fond” of a few people make you think he is a human. Robert Hare in “Without Conscience” makes the point that some sociopaths can experience “fondness” for people whom they can’t use to their advantage. Some criteria for membership in the human race, huh? That the S can’t find some way to use someone (at that moment) and so feels “fondness” for them.
My question to you is — why would you settle for “fondness” at best? I note that you didn’t say he was “fond” of you. You’ve put 5 years into this “relationship”. You are studying him like a clinical psych project, trying to make sense of nonsense. Why do you want to waste your life pouring water into a cup with a hole in the bottom?
Whatever he is — or isn’t — the relationship is not making you happy. I think you need to turn the focus on you and your needs for a change, instead of focusing on him and his needs.
Turning the attention away from S and back to myself was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But, I realized I had to do it to save myself — because I was near suicide and just a about physically broken. So, I turned off the love. I turned off the understanding. I turned off the compassion. I turned it all off and focused on me and how he made me feel. And the answer, in a word, was “miserable.”
So, forget enduring the pain. If he gave a damn about you he wouldn’t to see you in pain. Forget understanding him. He isn’t interested in understanding him. Instead understand yourself, focus on your needs and ultimately you will find a new and satisfying relationship with a genuine partner who is interested in you and your needs, who is emotionally available, and who can feel more than “fondness” for you.
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justabouthealed says:
Here’s another great article from that same site:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.u.....e-with-me/
Fair use quote:
“All of these guys are disconnected from the reality of their behaviour and most take the basics of human interaction, acceptance and rejection, at a basic level:
If you accept my behaviour in any, way, shape or form, then you must be OK with it, which means that I’m not a bad guy, which means you know what you’re dealing with, which means you put your hand in the fire so of course you’re going to get burnt.
In their world, people who really are that bad, don’t have women trying to keep them, chase them, and commit them to a relationship.”
In other words, they have no reason to change…we keep “understanding”
THEY are the problem….show that by rejecting them!
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justabouthealed says:
Here is a different quote I found:
“Search your own heart for what it is you really want in a relationship and settle for nothing less. Don’t second-guess the mindset of someone else, try to manipulate a situation, or spend your time entertaining dreams of what might be. Be true to yourself. It’s the only way for your dreams really to come true.”
It took me more than a year to follow the great advice I was given. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
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Irrational says:
Hi everyone, I have been reading articles here for a while and finally decided to join.
Is anyone here now that I can talk to? I am really upset and need someone to talk to I am all alone here.
I would appreciate it, thank you to anyone who can help.
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amber says:
irrational..I just sat down to my computer and this was the first thing I saw..what’s going on?
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Irrational says:
Hi Amber,
I have been on this site for a while reading and based on everything I read and from experience I think my boyfriend is a sociopath and/or narcissist. I can give you all the details if you want but despite thinking that I tried… I tried so hard and I feel like I am nothing more then dirt on the ground right now. No matter what I do its never good enough… he is the most selfish person I have ever known.
We just got into an argument but actually only on my part because after yelling at him for less then 30 seconds he makes me feel like I am crazy. He turns everything around on me. He has driven me to the point of insanity and now points it out. Now looking at myself I am acting ridiculous but because he worked me up so badly. I can’t stand this constant cycle of either jumping at his call or disappearing when he doesn’t want me around. If I did anything like this to him he would probably attack me.
Ok… I am trying to calm down. I am sorry this post is all jumbled and all over the place I am just hysterical over here.
Thank you for responding so fast. It’s horrible to sit here alone like this…
Ok… well I have known for about a year and half that he is a sociopath. I even spoke to him about it and he said he thinks he displays some of the symptoms… no they fit him very well. When I first met him he was completely different; he was mysterious but very romantic. I read about “red flags” and I did notice things but I ignored them. We got along so well I couldn’t believe I found someone just like me. When we first started talking he acted depressed and told me how he was feeling bad about this and that, I recently read that pity play is the number one sign, well how would I know? I didn’t know what a sociopath was until a year ago. He played on my emotions and I think he formed his personality to be just like mine. Everything was great. He told me how much he loved me and gave me a ring within weeks of knowing him. He did say to me a few times he “doesn’t feel the right emotions” and whenever I cried or was upset he did nothing and would ask me what he should do. He stood there emotionless. Typing this now… I keep saying to myself no… he couldn’t be… its my fault. Well about 3 years into the relationship he changed. He left me… out of nowhere and devastated me. We went back and forth and this is where his “mask” revealed him. He became abusive verbally and would curse at me and degrade me. He would say things like we were together again and when I said them he told me he never said that and that I made it up in my mind. He told me I was over emotional and showed no sign of remorse or compassion for anything I said or did. I would cry and he would literally yawn or scream at me or tell me to leave. He never flinched. He started getting sexually controlling and everything was on his terms. He grabbed my throat, pushed me, and would kick my stuff all over the floor. He told me himself he had no conscience and he only felt pity. There were other women and he didn’t keep it a secret. He didn’t care I knew and would disregard anything I said to him. He started getting sneaky with his phone… which now I have a problem every time the damn thing rings or he gets a text message I feel sick and now he says I am controlling him because I get defensive why women from work are texting him all the time. He attacks me over it. He likes to steal. He talked about killing people and wishes he could kill people and then will be like I am just joking. I could write so much… this is just a little of what I am dealing with and I took him back… well… he took me back. I was the pathetic one trying to get him back through all of this. I felt insane from what was going on and how he showed no sign of being sorry or feeling bad for the pain he put me through. I have suffered and I continue to suffer. He also has a stare to him… his eyes can get black and he will just stare at me. With all of this he can act like a normal person. He can act like he loves me and be fun and seem generous. I don’t understand. Am I crazy? What is wrong? Is it really possible for people to really be like this?
Thanks for reading my long post.
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amber says:
Oh sweetie..I’m so sorry. You’re story is just like mine…and my story is just like everyone else’s here. You ARE involved with a S/P/N. Whatever it is he actually is…it doesn’t really matter. He shows every single sign and has put you in the same position as the rest of us. You clearly think that there is something wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You said that you have been reading posts for about a year…so you know my next statement is going to be…. NO CONTACT! I’m sorry to have to be so blunt, but sweetie, I PROMISE..It’s the only way you’re going to regain control of your life. This is the part of the process where you learn to accept that he is what he is and NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE IT! I too, thought that if I loved him enough, it would prove to him that his life was worth changing. He will tell you all the lies you want to hear to keep you around. And it seems like you have been ignoring the red flags, but listen…if he’s physically harming you..ie sexually controlling and putting his hands around your throat…what are you waiting around for??? Do you want him to really lose his mind one day and not be able to control himself and do REAL damage??? Hasn’t he done enough?? As long as you are with him, or keep any contact… YOU WILL SUFFER. You need to get out of this relationship immediately. They don’t have remorse, they can’t love, they don’t feel…he’s openly cheating on you..verbally abusive..and controlling. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE..for your own safety, sanity and well being..you need to get away and no matter how hard it is.. make no contact. You need to start the healing process and it’s a scary thing to do. You’re going to have to look deep into yourself to see why it is that you don’t think that you deserve better??? YOU DO!! NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. He will lie, cheat, manipulate and take advantage of your kind heart and spirit the same way my S did..the same way everyone else’s S/P/N on this site did. I totally understand what you’re going through. You story sounds very similar to mine. NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. What’s wrong?? HE’S WRONG. And yes, it is possible for people to be like this. All of us on LF are living proof that people like this do exist, but it is possible to survive and move on. It’s not going to be easy, but you need to cut your losses and start living your life for you. We’re here for you. You’re taking the right steps. You just need to STAY STONG in your NC. It’s really going to be your saving grace. And anytime you think of contacting him…come here..say what you need to say…scream..cry…do whatever you need to do. We understand..we will not judge. I’m so sorry to hear your pain and your struggle, but you’ve taken the first step..educating yourself, joining this site..your future and you happiness depend on YOU now. He will NEVER change..accept it..and do whatever it takes to keep him away from you. I hope this helps. I wish you all the best of luck..and continue to post. I can’t tell you how helpful it’s been for me. My prayers and thoughts are with you. HUGS!!
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shabbychic says:
Irrational, hello out there! amber is right, everyone at LF will be here for you. As Oxy would tell you… knowledge is power, keep posting and reading!!
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persephone7 says:
Irrational:
Good to see you found this site, welcome. Trust the your very rational self that you came here and that you know this guy is not good, but very BAD for you, no matter what label
you put on him. I’m very sad about it, but it’s taken 7 years for me to really get the profile straight, and to see all the way I’ve just fed into it continuing and continuing and reading
back over this week – journals that chronicled disappointment after disappointment. And the main reason I stayed or kept giving it a chance is because as you mentioned ‘he can
act like he loves me and can be fun and seem generous.’ You are not crazy, the situation with someone you’ve described would make anyone crazy – you will FLAME OUT if you
keep on with him.
Thanks JAH for website you recommended, I spent awhile tonight reading some of those articles, really good. Check out the Baggagereclaim site JAH put the link to just a few posts
ago. Good luck, keep writing, keep coming back – everyone is so supportive here!
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