Welcome to Lovefraud Land
PDF By Peggywhoever
Welcome to Lovefraud Land! Again, welcome. Cyber handshake.. (Smile).
This is not a vacation location. But it is a destination. You can find your path to healing here.
Tell me, you Googled the word “Sociopath.” You have just ended a most painful relationship. Or rather, THEY ended the relationship. And you are left as an emotional shipwreck.
See how many adjectives apply. Hurt. Betrayed. Confused. Damaged. State of Disbelief. Questioning them. Questioning you. Questioning everyone. Questioning everything. Why? Why? Why? What is going on here?
You have come to the right place. Having come out of the most bizarre, twisted and contorted relationship of your life as though you were an emotional contortionist, you will find answers. And peace.
You have been abused, perhaps for the first time, and perhaps you have a lifetime of abuse. You are in pain. You can barely function. It is difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You feel frozen. You can barely make the effort to eat. Sound familiar? You are sick…emotionally sick, physically sick, sick to the core of your psyche.
Being in a relationship with a Sociopath takes everything you hold dear…your values, your code of ethics, your trust in love, honor, and commitment and turns them upside down. And then they are stomped on. Your body is on alert, you may have feelings of depression, anxiety, paranoia, as well as PTSD symptoms. You can barely function at your job… Your friends and family are tired of hearing your story. Nobody understands. Nobody listens. You feel that nobody cares.
Well, at Lovefraud Land, we DO care. You have friends now. New friends. People who have walked in your shoes. You have friends who will listen, REALLY listen to you and help advise you. Free counseling. Not necessarily from licensed professionals, but people who are seasoned and licensed in the game of life.
Because, to a sociopath it is a game. A one-sided game. They win, you lose. They are the victims. Always. You can never play the game right. The rules change as soon as you figure it out.
You are never enough. Were never enough. You were not bright enough, handsome/pretty enough, clever and witty enough, attractive enough, enough, ENOUGH!
It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about them. Everything, EVERYTHING about a Sociopath revolves around them. Always has, always will.
YOU WERE ALWAYS ENOUGH.
What is about you is your … well, YOUNESS! Your uniqueness. You were chosen, targeted even by a sociopath for your intrinsic goodness. Your loving heart, compassionate nature, blind trust, and helpfulness were strong factors in them choosing you as a victim.
You cannot change a sociopath. Ever. You cannot fix them. The best thing you can do is STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Always. Forever. This is known at Lovefraud Land as NC (No contact).. That means no face-to-face contact, no telephone conversations, no e-mail, no text messaging, NOTHING. Because any contact with them will only bring you pain.
Oh, and the obsessing. Thinking of them night and day. Day and night. Over and over and over until you feel like you are watching the same video in your head. And the ruminating (another Lovefraud word) … which relates to the obsessing and constantly thinking “what if” or how much you love and miss them and how wonderful they were and “what if” you had only done this or that?
Well, nothing, NOTHING you could have done would have changed anything. Or fixed anything. You are left with…you. And you will learn to understand yourself, and love yourself, and appreciate yourself in a way you never have before.
It is a journey, this seeking the answers, this journey of understanding, a journey torward physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Your new friends will walk with you and hold your hand.
Welcome. Welcome to Lovefraud Land. Cyber handshake. (Smile).
Peace
Peggywhoever
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Namaste says:
PS. I forgot to mention…. Yes, i DID google the ‘S-word’ and it brought me to here! I can’t even remember where i heard it (think it was mentioned on the TV), but my curiosity was aroused and…. voila!
)
My only regret is not finding Peggy’s powerful words last year, when i so desperately needed them, but this site has helped me answer so many questions that i honestly thought there were no answers to.
Keep up the good work and thanks again!
Namaste xx
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OxDrover says:
Welcome Namaste,
Glad you are doing better, and welcome here. This is a great site withlots of good information and your good advice to “get out and never go back” is the basis of all healing. YOu are so right on there. Welcome.
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Namaste says:
Thank you OxDrover. I have been reading your posts and you give very sound advice. My heart goes out to those who are still caught in the trap, but hopefully the fact that some of them have found their way here and are reading everyone elses frighteningly similar stories will help them realise just how dysfunctional their relationships with these toxic non-humans are.
I think it’s that feeling of isolation and thinking that THEY are the crazy ones that does so much damage. I hope and pray everyone suffering at the hands of an S will find their way here and let their healing begin.
Namaste xx
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Namaste says:
Help! I’ve just noticed a word i used at the end of my first post (or should that be essay? lol) has come up in red on here. I clicked on it and it looks as if it is someone’s email address. Is it someone on here? I was merely using the word in its descriptive form ~ i didn’t expect it to do that! Is there any way to make it ‘normal’ type? I don’t want whoever it is to be spammed! Whoops!
Namaste xx
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KWC says:
Hi, im just getting out of a marriage with what i believe is a sociopath, her story starts out when her younger sister was dating someone when she was 19 and she felt that she should be with him, eventually he dumped the younger sister for her and during the relationship he would go back and fourth with the sisters, eventually my ex got pregnant and still he went back and fourth after the childs birth, then came the second child (same sister as first child) and still back and fourth it went until he found someone else, Now 13 years later both sisters are with his two brothers competing for his family. now the two boys have to witness there uncles with their mother and aunt. The familys are ready to disown them and they see nothing wrong with what there doing. And the strange thing is that my EX seems mad at the fact im going to a laywer to get a divorce. When i met her i thought that she was young at the time her and her sister did that and mabe it was just that, but clearly i was wrong…. It seems this is all about manipulatation and jelousey, also i didnt mention over the years her younger sister has tried to go out with every ex boyfriend my ex had ever been with.
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Wini says:
KWC: You seem to have a good grasp on the manipulations of all these folks. That’s half the battle.
Welcome to LF … anyone that is on at the time you write about anything you want to discuss, will gladly write you back.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal.
Yes, they are a bunch of screwballs … every single selfish, self centered one of them. Amazing that one anti-social got with another … and for long periods of time …. mmmmmmmmmhhhhhh, we thought their egos were too big to ever be able to stand one another and given in to each other. Just goes to prove, anything is possible.
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shattered_sapphire says:
Hello all! It’s taken me some time to actually get the nerve up to say anything on here. You have no idea how much just reading some of what you all have went through helped me. All I can say is I have finally taken a big air gulping deep breath. For years I have felt like all I can do is take tiny breaths never getting quite enough air in to actually function let alone survive. I’ve been reading through here and feel like “IT’S NOT JUST ME, I AM NOT ALONE”. Why do we feel so alone all the time? I had this fear of saying anything and getting attacked. I now realize this is a great community of kind people. It will be wonderful having others to finally talk to!!
~Shattered
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OxDrover says:
Dear Shattered,
Welcome, I am glad tht you got the courage to post. You are right, you are NOT alone. Stay around here and continue to post, it does help to be validated by others who have had the same experience. I know it is not exactly the “same” but any encounter with a psychopath has a great common theme of devestation to the victims.
Learning about “them” and how they act and think, and learning about yourself and how you have responded to their attacks gives you the power to retrieve your life and your sanity. (((hugs)))) Welcome.
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shattered_sapphire says:
OxDrover, Thank you so much for your kind welcome! My life has been destroyed and it took many years to recognize what was going on. Looking back through all the years and the warnings I received I feel so stupid and naive. How is it people who do not live your life can see things you can not? At least I have an idea of how to deal with this person and not come undone any further. To love someone so much and realize all at once that they never loved you, only set out to hurt you is overwhelming. Hope to talk to you again soon.
~Shattered
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OxDrover says:
Dear Shattered,
Take a big deep breath! Then tell yourself that you are NOT STUPID AND NAIVE. They are simply able to con us, because we are GOOD AND KIND. They pick good, kind people for victims because of our ability to love and their lack of ability to love. so look at it this way, you were targeted because you are a good person.
Yes, our lives can come undone completely, and most of us have been able to say “Yep, that happened to me.” You are not alone in this, this blog is filled with smart, bright, educated people who have been fooled, so WELCOME TO GOOD COMPANY! Stay around and share with us a while and read and learn more and more about these monsters.
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lostingrief says:
monsters.
ox: yes, that’s it.
monsters.
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Stargazer says:
Dear Sapphire,
Psychopaths can fool psychiatrists, psychologists, and parole boards. There is NO ONE who is exempt from being played by these clever …uh….. beings (I almost called them people, but they are not quite people, are they?). It is their whole life purpose to play others, and they are very good at it. You are not stupid. The people on this site are among the most intelligent and caring people I’ve “known” in all of my various communities.
If you have not already read it, pick up a copy of Without Conscience and read the last part of the book where he talks about what type of victims they choose. Those of us who are nurturing and see the good in others are prime targets. We were basically victims of our own good qualities. This is the reason so many of us hang on. We are constantly looking for the good in even the most heinous behaviors. This is actually a beautiful quality. It is only wasted on these subhuman “people” who do not deserve it.
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Wini says:
Stargazer: I think we should change our wording any time we refer to them. For example instead of saying psychopaths we should start referring to them as GREEDY psychopaths. Greedy anti-social personalities, greedy Narcissists … this way, it’s easy for anyone to remember how they got this way in the first place. Even if Envy/jealousy got them to their greedy selves to do horrific acts upon humanity which is back to selfishness and greed again.
Just a thought.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Wini,
Is “psychopaths” not a sinister enough word? LOL! I agree. We should call them whatever will remind us of their true nature. We all get ourselves into trouble when we start imbuing them with human qualities. Besides having two arms and legs, feeding and toileting themselves, and fulfilling their desires for sex and control, there really aren’t many similarities to humans. Would we question why a snake cannot love you? (Well, poor analogy, becaus I think my boa constrictors do love me……….). Would we ask why our cats will not go out and get a job to pay rent? Creatures are what they are–no more and no less. Once we see what these P’s are, we can finally give up hope, questioning, second-guessing, and just get on with our lives. I still find them fascinating and continue to read about them, but waste little emotional energy on my ex. That being said, I believe he is dangerous enough to ALWAYS be toxic to me. I respect the danger enough to steer clear from it.
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shattered_sapphire says:
OxDrover & Stargazer
You both are absolutely right!! Sitting back thinking, it sank in just how many people in the “professional” world this person has fooled along the way. People who are trained and have the insight into the minds of those who are sick. They sit there and lie straight faced like what they are saying is the complete truth. Do they actually believe this to be the truth? How can they stand themselves when they know they live this monstrous double lifestyle. I have been dealing with someone who does very repulsive things to me and to many innocent others. It wasn’t until about 6 months ago that the acknowledgment of who I was dealing with set in. My weakness has been looking for the good in them. I’ve even lied to myself and insisted that some of the evil things they have done were not done with malice.
Thanks for the book title, I will be reading it. Talk to you soon!
~Shattered
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Stargazer says:
It is not a bad thing to look for the good in people. Those of us with this quality make fine friends and therapists. It is just one of the unfortunate realities of society that predators are more attracted to our type. But so are some really great people, too. I can’t wait to hear your impressions of the book. Another good one is “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. But by far, the Robert D. Hare book was the biggest eye opener for me. I feel it’s important to continue reading and educating ourselves to keep from slipping back into denial about our ex and what we were dealing with. These are very dangerous people, whether they are physically violent or not.
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shattered_sapphire says:
Stargazer,
I have already jotted down the other book and will add this one. Somewhere online there is sure to be copies that are previously loved and gently used.
~Shattered
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Stargazer says:
Sapphire,
I actually was able to order both of these books from my public library and have them transported to the branch I use. It’s absolutely free! But if you want to buy, Amazon.com is probably your best bet.
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Wini says:
StarG: A cat will work for their stay in your home. Just open the door for them to go outside. I will bet that there is a little creature dead at your doorstep when you awake to go and open your door. It depends on what is your definition of work?
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Hmmm, I just posted on this blog, and my post disappeared……
Anyway, lol, if my cats were to bring me a dead mouse, I could feed the mouse to my snakes. That would, indeed, make them contributing members of the household.
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Wini says:
StarG: Like I said, just get a cat … open your door at night to let them wander around and you’ll have your dead mouse, freshly killed to feed your snakes. Actually, they’ll bring you anything they can put in their mouths and drag down the road. Hence, the saying “what did the cat drag in”? LOL.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Actually, my cats rarely brought home anything dead. It would usually be half dead birds. This would pose a problem because I then had to take the poor birds to the bird rescuer to try and save them. So outside of the cuteness and lovability factors, cats really are quite useless in contributing to the household. LOL. And still their emotional depth is more than that of the psychopath.
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Wini says:
StarG: They brought home half dead animals because you found them in the midst of them finishing off their prey. If you opened the door 1/2 later or an hour later than you actually did … believe me, that prey would be dead.
Peace … you are making me crack up with what you wrote me today.
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Stargazer says:
Thanks, Wini. That’s a pleasant thought (about the dead birds). LOL. Well, I need to go finish eating my chicken dinner……
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Wini says:
StarG: Sorry. I remember the first time a cat brought in his prey and sat in front of me with this proud look on his face. I was newly married and the cat was my husband’s cat. I had no idea why the cat was showing me this live mouse squeaking in his mouth. I kept walking away from the cat into another room. Every time I left, the cat keep following me and sitting right in front of my feet, so proud. I was screaming to my husband to come take the poor mouse away from the cat. My husband laughed and said “you are the new mistress of the house and the cat is proving to you that he pays his way for you feeding him”. I said, oh great, now what do I do. He said, well, you can either free the mouse which will upset and confuse the cat, or you can let the cat finish off the mouse and pet the cat for doing what he’s suppose to do.
Well, of course I made my husband call the cat into the other room and we freed the mouse.
Strange, strange cat that Arlo. He used to sit behind the bathroom door and wait for the other cats to walk by. He would stick his paw through the door and get the other cat to play on the other side. As soon as the other cats got used to sticking their paws back with him, he used to slam the door on the poor cats paws. How those cats (my cats that I have now too) can open and close door in old houses it is unbelievable. Leverage again … they just know how to use leverage to open and close old doors.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
I was just teasing you, Wini. Talk of dead prey does not bother me. I feed frozen thawed rats to snakes!!
Many years ago, I was living with a man who was a Jehovah’s witness. He did not believe in Xmas or holidays, so he did not celibrate Xmas, which was sad for me. On Xmas day he hadn’t gotten me any gifts and I was sad about it. After a while I heard this scratching at the front door. My cat, Destructo, had gone out and got me a dead bird and dropped it at my feet on Xmas day. It was the sweetest thing. She seemed to sense I needed a present. They are like little angels, aren’t they?
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Wini says:
StarG: I know you were kidding. My bird Chucky eats chicken and turkey too. I keep telling him he’s eating his relatives … he doesn’t care. He loves the stuff … so does he love popcorn sand ice cream … he’s a sea food lover like me … sees food and eats it (LOL).
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Stargazer says:
My snakes were licking their lips when you were talking about your bird.
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Wini says:
StarG: It figures … so did my cats as they first showed up in my home. I had to personally introduce them to Chuckie so they would stop licking their lips over him. They sit on top of his cage and play with him while they are up there. He’s smart, if they get sassy with him and try to grab him … he plays the spider to the fly routine …let’s them keep sticking their paws in his cage … then he comes down out of his perch … walks across on some of the sticks that go all over his cage … then he pecks them really hard with his beak. They don’t stick their paws in there anymore. Plus he yells at them and calls them by name, which freaks them all out. Actually, I don’t know what the cats think of him … they just know he’s part of the family and they are used to him.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
LOL, somehow I think the personal introduction might backfire with the snakes. That’s adorable about the cats and the bird. I do believe cats and birds can play nice in the sandbox. I have a friend who has a bird that calls everybody an A-hole. That just cracks me up.
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Wini says:
StarG: I’m sure my EX would have taught Chuckie those words given the chance, he did have a warped sense of humor. He has PJ with him that is 5 or 6 years younger than Chuckie … so I can just imagine all the outrageous things he teaches that bird. They are quick too. They don’t miss a trick or a statement said in front of them. Hmmmmmmmhhh I just realized Chuck is 9 years old this past Spring. I got him for my EXs 50th birthday and my EX is 59 this year. Boy, oh boy, does time sure fly.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Well, we always knew psychopaths were for the birds, didn’t we? lol
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Wini says:
Yeah, but I didn’t know my EX was one … and when he was leaving to go back to TEXAS for business, I told him to take PJ with him and train him while he was gone. My EX said he was returning in a few months … September, he left May 1st. I never knew I would never see him or my bird again … nor the items that he took from my home.
I’m telling you, this guy was so smooth … he kept me on a string until after the 8th of November, then a few more weeks the truth versus the lies he told me … were staring me in the face by reading the paperwork he left behind. He was still talking marriage to me knowing he already ran down to Texas and married the woman he met on line for his new place to live. To this day, I don’t know the date of their marriage, but I know that he married her. If I do find out the day he married, I’m sure if I look at my bank statements he asked me to wire money down to him to pay for his dinner with his new wife.
Sai la vie.
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Trla says:
After the few weeks of shock and acceptance and the realization that my daughter is a sociopath…and then the realization that her father(my ex) is as well… I have found myself questioning all the relationships in my life, because I have also realized that I am a sociopath-magnet. I specifically have had deep thoughts and questions of the ones closest to me. None have affected me to the extremes that my daughter has, but I see the signs clearly now. I see all the traits, if not most of them, in my oldest son and my brother, whom I raised for 5 yrs…and whom I recently let move back in with me, to help him out financially. I question myself in “what I believe”…but my gut keeps taking me to “confirmations”. I am not the targets of my son and brother…but my conscious of the “knowing” that they are hurting others…is. I know there are degrees of severity. My brother is on a lower scale, and has been thru terrible things that he does not discuss and keeps inside. I can see the path that pushed him to what he has become. What scares me with him, is his lack of emotions and care. I could be totally wrong in my thoughts…but he sure does fit most of the criteria. I am just staying watchful for now.
My son on the other hand. He is a danger to others. I am just not sure what to do…or even if it is my responsibility…My oldest daughter is affected the most by what her brother has done or put her thru…and with what she “knows”. She asks me, “Mom, what are we going to do about him?” I paused at her asking this…partly because I don’t want to hurt her and I know she is clearly upset at what she had just been thru with him. My response was, “What can we do?” “There is nothing we can do. We are damned at every turn. There are repercussions at every turn.”
The fact is…my son is HIV+. His life consists of secrets and lies. He manipulates and uses anyone he can attach himself to, with charm. If you interfere with his charades…he gets angry, but not to the point that we have fear for our own safety. (But we are not his targets). My daughter is distraught. She unknowingly became the “Deliverer of Information” to my son’s boyfriend of one year (whom my son only uses)…and informed him of her brothers HIV status. She had no idea that he did not know this! His boyfriends have always known, why would she think differently or even assume that this one didn’t?? My son states boldly on his myspace page that he is HIV+….but yet also forced MANY (somehow)…to keep his status a secret from me for over 2 yrs! (So I understand the initial shock and horror that this information has. To also feel like the brunt of a cruel joke. To be the last to know. To suffer in aloneness…as everyone else had already been thru it. Being his mother, maybe it had a different affect on me. But I am not his lover. I am not the one…or ONES…he has put at risk).
I ask. “What does a person do?” Do you leave it up to the boyfriend to decide to pursue a legal remedy? Although our hearts believe that he won’t…..what do you do?? I will also add the fact and knowledge that my son is an escort (the nice description)….and you know there are many others that are putting themselves at risk. You know they have girlfriends. You know they have wives. You also know that there are many others out there exactly like your son. Doing exactly the same. Does it make it easier to handle this knowledge??…NO. But the knowledge of knowing all this can eat at you to no end if you let it.
This is the point I am at. I grieved my son’s death, although he is not dead. My emotions suffered to the point that my heart became part-dead. I can have a level-headed diplomatic rational personality when I have to. To be the strength for others…But I can also be the basketcase that suffers in silence as to not bring down the world around me with my negatives.
I need the words to give my daughter strength to deal with what she was unknowingly and unwillingly subjected to. How do I tell her to cut her ties? How do I explain that she is dealing with a sociopath, whithout her thinking I am on some sociopath-labeling kick?? I know what I know…that’s all I know.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Tria,
“What can we do?”
You are responsible for taking care of your P-brother and your P-son WHY?
You are aware that your P-son is an “escort” and putting others at riskk of HIV and you still enable him WHY?
Not that you are going to stop him from what he is doing but if you have a daughter who has been abused/misused/traumatized by these Ps in your and her life, why are you and she subjecting yourselves to their “companY” in an effort to “help them?”
It is obvious from your post that your daughter is miserable being around these people (does she also live with you?)
“To be the strength for others” QUOTE. I too felt that I needed to be “the strength for others” so I took on their responsibilities and enabled them to continue their preying on others.
Your son has HIV, HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING THIS, and he is RESPONSIBLE FOR PASSING IT ON (potentially) to others secretly (and, Yes, those others also bear responsibility, but how about their wives and girlfriends that THEY ARE LYING TO?)
I know that you hate to “give up” and you are rationalizing that your P brother and P son need “help” but you, my dear are the one who needs help the worst. You cannot save them, you can only be another of their victims. You say you are not their TARGET, yet you are, you are giving them sustenence, and distressing your daughter who is the one who needs the support. Your Ps don’t deserve your support or pity, they are in the messes they are because of their own behavior.
I too have a P-son, he is a murderer and in prison. I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO CUT YOUR KID LOOSE, even as bad as my son is, it still hurt, but until I CUT HIM LOOSE, WENT NC WITH HIM, I could not heal. Your son is just as much a cold blooded killer as mine, the only difference is that my son used a gun and killed them by pulling the trigger, your son is using a “shot gun” and just randomly pointing it at multiple people. Sooner or later he will pass the HIV on to someone who will pass it on to others, innocent wives and Girl friends and children. You can’t stop that, but you can disassociate yourself from this monster son, and in my opinion that is what he is, JUST LIKE MY MONSTER SON.
EVen though my monster son tried to have me killed last year, my enabling mother is still sending him money and support because he is faking “sorry” for her to get the money and she is falling for that crap, in denial. What CAN you do?
Send the two of them to the Salvation Army or the local rescue mission, but don’t harbor them out of pity. Take your daughter in your arms and thank God that you have one child that truly DOES need you, and that you CAN help, but only if you rid yourself of the psychopaths in your life. I got my one good biiological son back because he too was trapped by a psychopathic wife, a psychopathic friend (who was sleeping with his wife) and his psychopathic brother who had sent the “friend” to kill me and even knew and approved of the affair.
You and your daughter are TARGETS and VICTIMS, so be the “level-headed diplomatic rational personality” and get rid of these vampires out of your home, and you and your daughter embrace each other and start to heal. They will only drain you dry emotionally with one crisis after another to get your pity, while they would dump you on the street if the situation were reversed, they “love” you because they “need” you to take care of them, cause they won’t take care of themselves. I know this may sound harsh, and maybe you are not ready to receive this advice, but looking back at the years and years, DECADES of pain I let my P-son cause me and my non-P sons, I wish someone had bashed my head in with an iron skillet to get me to listen before I wasted so much of my own life and energy! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you.
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dau-trla says:
Okay mom Im here. I’ve read what you’ve posted and I’ve read what others have commented back. And here is my take. Honestly people just dont know unless they have lived it. Have these poeople any idea that I was there when my brother was used as an inhouse slave. That I chose our fate not knowing that our stepmother would make us completely miserable. That his punishment for getting into tiff with a sibling was to ungrout a tile floor 12×16′ with a hand tool. Taking weeks. Im suprised that was the punishment since he wasent even aloud to go into the kitchen area at all. Just because. Just because he was Chris. Peanut-butter and toast everymorning, no milk, water. YOU CANT HAVE SUGAR, YOUR ALLERGIC TO MILK. He struggled for love from her. And I feel I chose this path for him. My bro is HIV Pos and a mess of a person, Im not sure he’s a P because Im not qualified nor do I care that much to spend most of my day researching the terminology. Ill label him with the best defining words my vocab can come up with. Since he’s got such a colorful personatilty I can come up with a lot that way. He’s hateful most the time, lies when my heart thinks he is, and a user. Maybe the path thats been paved for him enables him to use people so he does. He’s manipulated for attention for the past I’ll say 17yrs even thought he’s 23. I cant help it. But he is an evil SOB no ill intentions mom.
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Wini says:
dau-tria: I don’t know who your mom is … that’s OK … because here you can heal from hearing and speaking truth. You have a right to blog, just as your mom does … and that when we all help all in your family unravel the twists and turns of the truth being trampled on … then you can make sense of all that has happened to you.
In the mean time … peace to your heart and soul. Feel free to write any time you want to write … about anything you want to write about. Who’s ever on line will write you back.
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Starmist says:
Dautria
You did not choose that your step mother was a sociopath or a psychopath — you did choose what you as a child would prefer and probably chose the parent with teh control over money as that is the only thing a chilkd can actually relate to when it comes to power and visual signs of love — so do’nt beat yourself up for this — you had no idea and were probably wooed into thinking that whatever your step mother was doing was justified because she had your father under her thumb of P/S control. Your brother didn’t stand a chance but I tend to believe that people are not born this way unless tehre is something akin to autism or birth defect presnt and undetected that turns ugly due to mistreatment. YOU did NOT do it to him and lovinghim is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t hink that it is not doing anything to help him. Take it from me that it is making the only favorable impact that he can feel in his emotions so don’t stop.
God bless you for what you’ve endured and survived.
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Starmist says:
Let me correct myself a bit here — loving him by hugging him — not giving him money, not enabling him to continue to hurt you or your otgher family members andnot allowinghim to trample all over you — just accept him for who he is and let him do his thing HIS way — WITHOUT your enabling him because tht is what got him into this mess to begin with — enablers and users and manipulators but he may r may not be able or want to escap[e this so don’t YOU make the assumption t hat you have to do it for him — that is called makinghim a codependent and that is even more damabing than enduringa S or P in the home. that makes you unable to help yourself. So draw a boundry and don’t let ANYONE cross it verb ally or physically and then stick ot it and if your boundries don’t hold where you live now then MOVE and cut all ties to those who would violate your boundries as theya re sick people. And you do not want to catch the S or P sickness yourself and you can simply by accepting and not crying out when your boundries are violated — boundries of acceptable behavior I mean.
Good luck and keep writing as that is what will free you and help you see what is going on in your own life — annonymously and safely in the company of loving accepting adn experienced people who now have their own eyes open.
Peace
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OxDrover says:
Dear Dau-Tria,
First off, you are welcome here. Everyone here is a victim of some form of abuse—from childhood on many of us. You are NOT ALONE.
It doesn’t sound like you wanted to be here, though, dau-Tria, but none of us WANT to be here, but we are here because we NEED to be, for ourselves.
I’m sorry your brother is HIV positive, I’m sorry he is a “mess of a person” but he is like we all are here, an ADULT, and regardless of what kind of a miserable child hood we have had we are NOW RESPONSIBLE for OURSELVES.
WE can’t change the past, all we can do is to make our future better. I hope that you will choose to make your own future better. It doesn’t ‘matter what “label” you hang on your brother, the label you used of “HE IS A USER.” is more than adequate. You dont have to have a PhD college degree to be able to figure that out and it sounds like you are a smart young lady.
Unfortunately, the ONLY thing you can do to help a user is to get away from them. STAY AWAY from them. Put them on the street if necessary or call the cops to remove them. No matter how sick they are, or anything else, they do not love you, they are like a tick or a flea on a dogs ear, sucking the life blood out of their “host.” They have no more love for us than the flea or the tick does for the dog. They may cry out, “But if you toss me out, whose blood can I suck?” The answer is “I don’t know, and I don’t care, but NOT MINE.”
I know tht is hard when you love these people, I had to do my son that way because he is a psychopath (and I do have the credentials to label him) and he is a murderer, one man on here had to turn in his father to the cops for murder, so you and your mom are not the only ones that have had a “bad row to hoe” with the family psychopaths and users.
But LIFE CAN BE BETTER, it doesn’t have to go on like this. I have only my 2 other sons, my freinds and I am so happy. That’s all the “family” I have left, because my mother too is disordered and she spends every waking moment trying to “help” my murdering son, and persecuting my other good sons and me, who have done so much for her. But she doesn’t love us, just him. Pooooor him, in prison for blowing a 17 year old’s head off cause he was mad at her—-poor him! NOT!
It isn’t that I don’t have empathy for the position your brother is in, but he is NOT ENTITLED TO USE YOU AND YOUR MOTHER because he is sick, and continues to try to spread his virus that might kill others. He needs to be responsible for himself. Ditto your uncle. Your mom needs to be responsib le ONLY for herself and you (depending on how old you are) If you are over 18, you and your mom can help each other if you want, but each of you is responsible only for themselves.
Hang around here and read some articles and learn—learning about them and about healthy relationships will help both of you, you and your mom, to heal and learn to take care of yourselves, and not spend your energies on users.
(((hugs)))) and my prayers for both you and your mother.
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Trinity says:
Hi everyone its been a while since I posted here. I went back to him. He called me and pleaded with me to see him. I went to have some coffee with him and he said everything I wanted to hear. He told me he missed me and needed me. He told me he wanted to be with me and change. He told me he was the one who made the mistake and it was my choice to give him another chance if I allow him. He told me he loved me and realized he would never be happy without me. I let my guard down and let him back in and was thinking to myself no there is no way he could be a sociopath. He wants to change and loves me. We right back to a relationship and went out to dinner and movies and I was spending all my time with him. We were intimate and he was affectionate and loving toward me. I started to think maybe I was wrong.
This lasted about a week. He started changing and going back to the way he was and started letting his anger show more and more. He stopped saying he loved me after saying it about 50 times in the one night we got back together. He would have fits of anger over little things like I left the bathroom light on and so he shut it off and threw his coat at the wall and was angry with me. I told him I bought him a Christmas present and he was mean about it to me and said well I don’t really get excited about Christmas. The last time we were intimate he bit me so hard he left bruises. This wasn’t love bites he was hurting me and I told him and he didn’t stop. He was also very selfish intimately. All the sudden I realized he didn’t change. One morning I found his phone and looked through it and seen him writing two other women. On Thanksgiving telling one of them he was in town and missed her. I was horrofied because he was going to visit family but she happened to live close. I had made him stuff to bring to his family and everything. I seen another woman writing why are you acting like a jerk you were so nice before. I started shaking I was enraged. I confronted him and he was mad I looked at his phone. I explained how I didn’t trust him and I’m not the bad one here. He told me he was only joking when he wrote he missed the other woman. After questioning him I finally got him to admitt he cheated on me with one of them. I couldn’t control myself after everything I had been through and hit him. This started a physical fight between me and him and he grabbed at my arms and wrists and I just kept hitting him and he pushed me into a wall and crushed me between him and the wall and threatened me. I went on his computer to see what other lies he was keeping from me and he ripped the plug from the wall. He sat down and started yawning when I started crying and asking why he did this to me. He didn’t apologize or say he regretted it. He actually was on his phone while I was standing there pouring my heart out not even feeling like a human anymore. I told him I knew what he was and this would be goodbye forever. I told him I knew he had no feelings and wasn’t able to love and he smirked and said you think I have no feelings? That was it.
The reason I am posting this is to talk about what happened to me and also to show everyone they don’t change and how manipulative they can be. When we went to have coffee after not talking for a while he was wearing a chain I gave him that he said he hated. After looking away I noticed it was now outside his shirt so I could see it. I said nothing. He started to play with it until I aid something and he was like I’ve been wearing it ever since you stopped talking to me I missed you so much. He stopped wearing it after I went back to him. Another important key was he never said he was sorry. He planned everything out he was going to do and say to get me back. It was intentional and for a reason. He told me he needed me to take care of him. I watched him force tears. I asked him if he could feel me and I put my hand over his heart and he said I don’t understand what do you mean? He used me and never loved me. I made the mistake of going back please everyone don’t believe them. I have brusies and a broken heart from it. Thanks for reading and I am glad I have this site.
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Wini says:
Trinity: Sorry to hear you had to learn the hard way. NO CONTACT with him because he is a selfish, self centered, greedy prick.
He sleeps with EVERYONE. Don’t let him fool you that he only slept with one. As quick as he climbs in bed with you is how quick he slips in bed with EVERYONE he meets. No one is platonic with them … ever! Period.
They are the greediest, most self, most self centered humanoids on the planet. That’s what they do, that’s what they are … WHORES … except they don’t work in brothels anymore or stand on street corners … hence the masks they were! They work in every industry, they were suits or blouses and skirts, jeans and T-shirts … any garment that is on the racks, they were … but, make no mistake what he and the rest of them are … greedy, selfish, self centered WHORES … and the quicker WE all learn this fact, the better off we are.
From now on … NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT … for he will tell you what you want to hear, any time you need to hear it … and he’s only does that so that he can control you and get what he wants … a place to lie his head why he’s controlling all the other women and MEN he’s got going on his life. Yes, they go both ways ….. they are equal opportunity exploiters.
I hope you understand … I know I’m being harsh with you tonight … and I’m sorry … I’m not in the mood to be easy on folks tonight. Don’t take offense, I’ll get to a better space in a few days.
Peace.
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Trinity says:
Wini, I am glad you answered me and with those words because I needed to hear exactly what you wrote. For so long everyone around me didn’t understand and would use words like he’s a jerk… a jerk? Thats’s it?! I would be enraged because I wanted him to be named exactly what he is and you did that for me. Thank you.
I agree with everything you said and there will be no more contact. I do not trust myself around him even just to talk or see him. NO more. I’m done. He has some of my things and usually I would call and ask for them but he can keep them its not worth seeing his evil lying deceitful disgusting face.
Thanks again and don’t be sorry. I hope your doing well and I’m here if you need to talk.
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Wini says:
Trinity: I’m glad I didn’t ruffle your feathers. I know I was hard on you … but this stuff going down in politics is really throwing me for a loop this week. You can tell when I’m on a roll on something … all the typos that come out in my writing … and there were a lot of typos in the blog I wrote you … so, I’m glad you skipped over the misuse of words.
Yeah, they are all just whores. Plain and simple. If you read everyone’s blogs, their all basically the same … their EXs got the upper hand, treated them like crap, screwed around with everyone … selfish is as selfish does routine … and then, there’s no talking with any of them … out of sight, out of mind for them … cause they are busy with the newest victim (mark) in their lives.
I worked in a place of 800 employees … out of 800 people, almost half were whores (MALE AND FEMALE) it didn’t matter. The greed of these people were beyond your imagination. Then my EX, I know was a ringer for my bosses to do me under … he has too many connections with too many people in power.
Peace. And stay NO CONTACT with him.
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Indigoblue says:
Yeah and she is useualy telling me to be nice
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henry says:
Trinity Thanks for sharing that – I understand why you went back – dont beat yourself up about it. I took mine back 5 times in 3 years. They only change just enuff to get back in the door and then poof~~!!! the monster is back – your post describes so effectively what would happen if I let him back in – I have no entention of letting him back in – have not seen him in 9 months – just briefly a few weeks ago – but when I did see him I knew not to make eye contact with him – you will be ok – hang in there
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inthebreach57 says:
Trinity,
I just read your post and it was extremely sad to see how far and how fast he drug you back down. My feeling is that you wanting to give him another chance because you have loved this person and cared for them, is no disgrace on your part. I think normal people do want to give second chances for a person they care about to redeem themself. I gave so many reprieves I couldn’t count them. I think we want to forgive, to understand and find some logical reason for the behavior. We might find some answers but I don’t think we will ever know all the whys and wherefores. The abuse is bad. He hit you with it on all levels (physical, emotional, spiritually damaging callous attitude for your suffering). I hope you can tear yourself away…it is so hard to rebuild your self esteem when someone has snatched it from you. He did do one good thing ( not intentionally) by proving you are correct in your suspicions and evidence of whom he really is and how destructive he is to your sense of self and future peace and happiness in life. God Bless, Breach
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Wini says:
inthebreach57 & Trinity: If you ever get confused to what they are really all about or to understand the difference between us (givers) and them (takers) read this site:
http://www.abusefacts.com/arti.....Takers.php
We were told this facts before we were born into human form:
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves”
Matthew 10: 16
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
Trinity,
I was so hoping to read “Just kidding” after the “I went back to him” part. (((Hugs))). The thing is that with a normal person, if he said those things about how he is wrong and wants another chance, he would mean it. A sociopath does not mean it. He probably said the same thing to the other girls. They are so convincing, aren’t they? You wan’t so badly to believe him. It feels horrible to have to guard yourself from someone you love. I guess you see you have to do it for your survival. Ugh. You have learned something. And tomorrow is another day.
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Stargazer says:
To Trinity again: And the most important thing is the lesson you learned. Take it and run with it. When my ex and I broke up, I still wasn’t totally sure he had played me. So I set him up. I had a friend of mine contact him by phone and on the internet. I got to “observe” him lying to her about several things. That’s what it took for me to know for sure what he was. When I told a few of my friends what I did, they got mad at me and thought I was crazy to “stalk” him like that. But we do what we need to do to come out of denial. Calling someone a sociopath is a pretty serious business. You have to do what you need to do to find out for sure. Because once you know, NC is so much easier.
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