I think my changes prior to this last “encounter” were more out of desperation than inspiration….there are some powerful differences in me this time…

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Shaking The Tree lyrics

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree

Waiting your time, dreaming of a better life
Waiting your time, you;re more than just a wife
You don’t have to do what your mother has done
She has done, this is your life, this new life has begun

It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree

Turning the tide, you are on the incoming wave
Turning the tide, you know you are nobody’s slave
Find your sisters or brothers who can hear all the truth in what you say
They can support you when you’re on your way

It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day

Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree
Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon
We are shakin’ the tree

Changing your ways, changing those surrounding you
Changing your ways, more than any man can do
Open your heart, show him the anger and pain, so you heal
Maybe he’s looking for his womanly side, let him feel

You had to be so strong
And you do nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all
We’re gonna break it down
We’re gonna shake it down, shake it all around

[Incomprehensible]
No no no no no no
No no no no no no
No no no no no no

It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day

It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day

It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day
It’s your day, a woman’s day

You had to be so strong
And you do nothing wrong, nothing wrong at all
We’re gonna break it down
We’re gonna shake it down, shake it all around

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“One of the hardest aspects of leaving an abuser is naming what they’re doing as abuse. Our minds recoil from the reality, fall back from the precipice of the truth. How could someone who says they love me, willing, knowingly, consciously choose to hurt me?

Believe it. Name it. They will. They can. They do. ”

I so agree – there was no hope for change despite all the willing in the world and every effort I could expend until I admitted and accepted I was being abused by him. Nothing could change in his kingdom due to his pathology. It took me a long long time to realise I was being abused – for the longest time I excused him – made pitiful excuses for his behaviour – he’s tired, he doesn’t mean it, he just forgot. When I finally got clear of those rationalisations and put the whole jigsaw together with every incidence surrounded by the full ecology of every other and SAW the pattern of abuse, something shifted dramatically in me.

Even with that understanding it took me time to get away from him. In the past I had left and he left and I just thought it was a hopeless relationship although I couldn’t understand why. I took him back and took his promises of change to heart many times. And of course nothing changed and every promise was broken. The difference is now I won’t take him back. The difference now is I understand nothing can ever change with him. The difference now is I don’t believe his lies. All these things from understanding I was being abused and going on a search for clues about it.

Of course it is still sad – I still hurt about it and am sad and angry that he took such advantage, but I am not heartbroken and devastated by it anymore. I am stepped back from it now. As long as I don’t see him, my healing continues day by day incrementally as experiences are unpacked, examined and integrated in light of what I know about him now.

When I first started reading here and other places and would see these sorts of phrases
‘You are ultimately responsible for your own happiness’ or
‘You allowed him to abuse’
I would get so wild with anger about it – think to myself how callous and cold of the writer. But now I think I understand. I appreciate that you put all those conditions around what you said – it doesn’t mean it’s ok he abused you, it doesn’t mean it was … because that’s how I feel now.

It is not ok he took advantage of me. It is not ok he broke my heart into a million pieces. It is not ok he broke all his promises and hurt me. It’s not ok that he lied and deceived me over a thousand things that he didn’t need to lie about. None of those things are ok. But they’re inevitable in a relationship with a person who is a P. It’s not my fault. But I can educate myself so I never have to suffer it again. Because staying away from those kinds of sick people is the only way to stay safe.

Like many of you, I made lots of decisions not to align with my highest purpose in life or to consider my greatest needs. But rather to avoid incurring his wrath. Or silence. Or unspoken sulking. In all the thousands of decisions, I consulted him and debated in my mind which option he would more likely prefer. I failed to consult myself on so many occasions and gradually the decisions made for his wellbeing started to destroy mine.

Now I am adjusting to living life on my own terms – consulting myself on what is best for me in any given moment and it is challenging after so long of deferring to someone else, but ultimately it will be wonderful. With each choice and course of action I take, I re=awaken another element of my soul that I thought had died. I see now the part of me that used to express desires and actively pursue them, had to go underground in that relationship in order to survive. The hurt of being ignored or invalidated on an hourly basis was too much pain to endure.

I am grateful for the return of her. I hope she is not too damaged and I can coax her back out. Hugs to everyone who has ached as though kicked in the guts because of this type of relationship. We will all get better together.

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I concur with what everyone else said. KICK HIM TO THE CURB. THEY ARE THE LIE! Yep, if you marry him, you will put up with the same behavior for ever—as long as you stay with him.

A cheater does NOT change, a LIAR does not suddely stop. Yep, and he can give you a child or a disease or BOTH, and what have you got—more misery and a child that will hook you to him forever. Kick him to the curb while you can get away TOTALLY FREE.

Read here and learn, the more you learn about psychopaths and cheats, the more you will realize that finding out before he married you is the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU…it hurts, but it will SET YOU FREE. (((hugs))))

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I lost my Eddie (my first tuxedo cat) 2 1/2 years ago… black and white … looks like they are always dressed for black tie events … this little guy has YELLOW eyes. I couldn’t make out what it was that was exotic about him … then I realized it was his eyes. Bright yellow. I’ve seen cats with different golden eyes… but, never bright yellow. He’s cool too… very spunky and he know he’s cute. I’m putting the balance back of the male/female thing going on in my home. All my pets were male … then some died off … and the females outweighed the males … now with Henry … the balance is back. All my older cats All ignore him (LOL). But, Red loves him … my alpha male cat.

Peace.

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