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ICK!

Oh, and if you say “scotch” one more time – that’s it! I’m coming over!

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Thanks for the support. I spent the day in what I call crisis management — getting a new cell phone, getting high speed internet (yes, I was the last living American with dial-up) and having to back to the execution pit (employer) to sign some papers.

I think all the stress I’ve been under and has suddenly been released has caught up with me. I felt like I was hit by a tidal wave of fatigue this afternoon. I think my next step this evening is to take a bubble bath and relax with a nice scotch on the rocks.

I keep adding to the “to-do” crisis list. I finally decided today that except for the absolutely critical things like appling for unemployment, the rest can be tackled at the rate of 1 or 2 a day.

I guess I’m babbling. Probably the fatigue. Know I’m going to sleep well tonight.

pb:

What is it with these guys? Mine also lied about how recent he had broken up with his ex. I specifically asked him when me met how long ago was his breakup since I had been down the path with somebody who couldn’t emotionally separate from his ex.

S told me “we’ve been broken up over a year.” The reality, I learned two months late was that technically they had been apart a year — because S had been incarcerated. S never could let go of the fact that his ex had said “he’d wait for S”.

I should have walked out when I learned that, but I was hooked. And for all intents and purposes I had a three-way with S’s ex the entire time S and I were together because they couldn’t disengage.

I sometimes wonder if they ended up back together. Then I think “who cares? The deserve each other. Because S sure didn’t deserve me.”

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Tonight he did call to get the baby and I asked if he was still not talking to me because of me emailing his friends about his cheating ways and he said he isn’t talking to me because I “am mean”!!!!!

That is so crazy. I am mean because I told his friends that he cheated and got a woman pregnant 2 months after we had our daughter. I don’t know how he lives with himself.

Matt I hope you are doing well.

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The day he came home and said he had me “trapped” was actually the first day of counseling – I was wrong there. To my knowledge he only went for four or five visits and was pissed because after the first visit they wanted to talk about his ex-wife instead of me. I laughed at that. He said, “I don’t understand why they want to talk about her. I’m not having a problem with her.” A few weeks later he snapped.

And you’re probably right, he knew it was the only way. He had been investing a considerable amount of energy in sister #2 and I was becoming a problem or a headache. I ask too many questions and it wasn’t any fun anymore – HAHA.

I don’t know what his counseling sessions are like now, and his probation is up at the end of April. He seems to know what he is to some degree and doesn’t care. It could just be lip service.
I believe he is escalating. I left my phone #’s with sister #1 for future reference.

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Personally, I’m astonished that your ex went into counselling. When I was deluded enough to think there was hope for S, I got him 6 different referrals to various therapists. I suggested couple’s counselling.

When he knew I was at wits’ end with him, THEN he’d make noises about “you’re right. I need to go into counselling.” Totally self-serving to keep my financial taps running.

The night I drove him off he let me know exactly what his view of therapy was — that one of his exes had insisted he go to one of the programs I had gotten him a referral to and he’d gotten nothing out of it. Also, that apparently my answer for everything could be summed up in a word “therapy.”

Personally, I think they are untreatable and have zero interest in changing.

Based on what you said, I don’t think he was tired of you trying to figure it out. Matter of fact, the more energy you put into it, the greater his jollies.

No, I think he took the tack he took with you to force YOU into making the decision to leave because there was nothing left in the relationship for him and he wanted to come out looking like you were the baddie in all this.

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If your N is anything like mine, I would guess that he finally admitted it either as a last desperate move in the game to keep you, or else because he knew the game was over and wanted to gloat about how much he’d gotten away with.

I hope you turn your back and never give him another thought. He does not deserve any space in your head. Save the space for good thoughts and good people.

Best of luck to you!

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My N initially resisted the idea of counseling, saying he needed to get help for his drinking. Crafty! In admitting to one problem he diverted my attention from another by claiming them as one and the same, and managed to look as if he were sincerely revealing some sort of vulnerability at the same time.

He had attended counseling alone when his wife left and said that it was “really good” for him, but he said he needed to “clear his head” (sober up) before going back to counseling, “alone at first”, to deal with his anger over his wife. I, having no experience with S/P/N’s or boozers, foolishly bought into the alcoholic package, and he did need to deal with those issues.

Meanwhile, he had begun to spy on me, go home and read my journals while we were visiting the neighbor and come back to yell at me about guys I dated years before him while standing in the neighbors living room, calling me ten times a day or dropping in in the middle of the workday – supposedly because he loved me (if I said anything, I was accused of being ungrateful). He demanded that I show him photos in my camera from a family funeral in PA – as if I would have an affair while at a funeral and then keep pictures! He ran me out of the house a number of nights and I would sleep in my truck or the neighbors sauna (he doesn’t actually live at that house – it’s a spare).
Unknown to me N started telling people that I had screwed the neighbor in his hot tub, that he had been telling me to move (not just get out for the night) but that I wouldn’t leave, and that I wouldn’t attend counseling with him – he had to go alone. He established his position as victim for future use, with my best friend, our co-workers, and his family (we all work in the same business).
All of this happened over a six month period. By this time he had become unbearable to be around most nights. He pulled a couple of more scenes in front of the neighbor (they loved drinking together). Neighbor was probably the only person who saw N in action as he and my best friend were the only people who visited with us.
He came home one day, a few sessions into his counseling, and said that he realized he had me “trapped” and he didn’t want me to feel that way. “It’s about time I listened” (he knew things were getting tense and decided to throw me a bone). We agreed that I needed to return to work when his daughter wasn’t there and put some money away “The next time I’m a jerk, you’ll have some money if you have to leave” (like it’s easy to get bi-weekly work). And then he would tell me he wants me to stay and would beg for time to deal with things. It was crazy. Things would change weekly; sometimes daily.
I moved what little I had unpacked downstairs to give him some space while he started counseling, and he told my best friend I was “unpacking” (I didn’t realize he was telling people I refused to leave). “So”, she said as he handed me the phone. They had been talking for a bit. “He tells me you’re unpacking.”
“No” I said, “I’m just moving what is unpacked downstairs to give him some space while he figures out what he wants to do.” I didn’t catch the tone of her remark, but noticed the way he presented things to her.

There was no way he was ever going to attend counseling with me. He would never be able to pull it off with a third party in the room.

He’s now been in court ordered counseling since last April. I went to see his PO at one point last June. I didn’t yet realize he was an N, but I knew he was trying to pull a fast one and said as much.
When I told the PO that I had begun to smoke a lot of weed because I was so stressed out living with him and his drunken, controlling, abuse, the PO mentioned that N had told him I was a pothead who smoked massive amounts of weed. “Yes, I wasn’t smoking what he claims, but I did ask him to stop buying it and he refused saying he’d bought it for himself. He hardly smokes the stuff. He didn’t want me to stop smoking because he would have to face his alcoholism.” So, I know what his game was there. I’m glad I volunteered that info.
I never did get to unpack while I lived there.

In December N admitted he’s “been in enough counseling now to know [he is] an abusive piece of sh*t…a monster”, and I just “need to deal with it” – just like that. “Someone poked the bear and you just happened to come along at the wrong time.”

I still can’t figure out what the benefit was to him in admitting to me that he’s abusive – a monster even.

Was he just tired of hearing me wonder aloud as to how he could hurt me and not care, or how his actions and words didn’t add up? I had lost and found 20 pounds twice…
I don’t believe he cares beyond making himself feel good for appearing to care. He may have been feeling generous. Or perhaps he knew I couldn’t go any further without understanding; but that would mean he cared, wouldn’t it?
“Are you being sarcastic?” I asked. I was shocked and shaking.
“No” he looked at me as he smoked, “I’m being truthful…I’m an abusive piece of sh*t.”
“And you don’t aspire to anything different?”
“Nope, not at all. It’s what I am.”
“Wow”

I’m tending to think he was just tired of me trying to figure it out. I had asked him something; trying to make sense of his nonsense, his response was “Aren’t you in counseling? Haven’t they told you? Haven’t you figured it out yet?”

Unfortunately, I scratched my alcoholic and found a Narcissist underneath.

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