Domestic violence is not a battle of the sexes, it’s a battle against sociopaths
PDF Back in June, a New Jersey judge declared the state’s Prevention of Domestic Violence Act to be unconstitutional. Judge Francis B. Schultz, of the Superior Court in Hudson County, determined that it was too easy for someone who claimed domestic violence to get a restraining order.
The ruling was controversial. When I first read about the case, I was astounded that a court would take such a stand against domestic violence victims. Sandy Clark, associate director of the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women, considers New Jersey’s law to be among the best in the country, according to NJ.com.
New Jersey’s law
The Prevention of Domestic Violence Act is strict. Some of its provisions include:
- Police must respond to calls of domestic violence victims.
- If there are any signs of physical injuries the police must arrest the abuser.
- Police may also arrest the abuser without witnesses or signs of physical injuries.
- Police are required to give victims information about their rights and to help them.
- Temporary restraining orders (TRO) may be issued by the superior court or a municipal court.
- A domestic violence hearing must be held within 10 days of issuing the TRO.
At the domestic violence hearing, the judge may grant substantial relief to the victim, including:
- Temporary custody of children
- Monetary compensation
- Barring the defendant from the home, regardless of who owns or leases it
- Prohibiting the defendant from any oral, written, personal or other form of contact with the victim and others, including children
Violating due process
The law allows the judge in the domestic violence hearing to make his or her decision based upon the “preponderance of evidence.” That’s where Judge Schultz had a problem. He wrote that this violates the defendant’s right of due process, and that the standard should be “clear and convincing evidence,” which is more difficult to achieve.
In his 21-page opinion on Crespo v. Crespo, Judge Schultz wrote, “It is well-established that a parent’s right to the care and companionship of his or her child is so fundamental as to be guaranteed protection under the First, Ninth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.”
He continued, “That a fundamental right could be forfeited as a result of a rapidly calendared, summary hearing without discovery, where the only protection afforded the defendant is the ‘mere preponderance standard’ clearly offends the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”
Quite frankly, given that there are people who falsely accuse their partners of domestic violence, the judge’s arguments make sense.
Battle of the sexes
According to NJ.com, women’s rights groups and the Attorney General’s Office are preparing to challenge the ruling. It appears that the case may be headed for the New Jersey Supreme Court.
Others considered the ruling a victory for men. An article posted on the DailyRecord.com declared that Judge Schultz should be considered an American hero.
“He stood up against the powerful feminist-controlled domestic violence machine and ruled that the New Jersey domestic violence statute is unconstitutional, and that people’s 14th amendment rights were being violated. Judge Schultz could have taken the politically correct route; he did not.
“The state Attorney General’s Office, in league with the battered women’s groups, has come out against this ruling and plans to appeal to the state Supreme Court. These two ‘partners in crime’ are yelling that the sky is falling because a court ruled that the standard of proof is unconstitutionally too low.”
The issue is being cast as today’s battle of the sexes. Unfortunately, people on both sides are fighting the wrong battle.
Men and women perpetrators
Battered women’s groups argue that female victims, and their children, need to be protected from abusive men. Father’s rights groups argue that women file false abuse complaints simply to be vengeful, and get away with it. They both accuse divorce and child custody lawyers of using abuse allegations as a strategy to win their cases.
They’re all right some of the time. None of them are right all of the time.
Lovefraud has heard from plenty of women who were seriously abused by male partners. And we’ve heard from plenty of men who were abused by female partners—including physical violence.
We’ve heard stories of abusive men manipulating the legal system to get children taken away from battered mothers. And we’ve heard stories of men fighting to get custody of their children from abusive mothers, facing judges who believe that mothers simply do not harm their children.
Sociopaths and domestic violence
Dr. Liane Leedom says that half of domestic violence perpetrators are sociopaths, and the other half have sociopathic tendencies.
Sociopaths, as Lovefraud readers well know, are both men and women. And whether male or female, they are equally vicious and destructive.
So this is not a battle of the sexes. The real struggle is between sociopaths and their victims; between people who have a conscience and those who do not.
If you’ve been a victim of domestic violence, or have been falsely accused of domestic violence, please tell Lovefraud about your experience with law enforcement and the courts. Did the police and/or courts act appropriately? Were they able to determine who was telling the truth? Why or why not?
Please don’t use any names, although you may identify the jurisdiction (county or state) if you want.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
Nah, it doesn’t mean “you are healed”—healing is a JOURNEY not a destination. But you ARE DEFINITELY ON THE RIGHT ROAD! (high five!)
Wanting a companion/lover/friend/etc is NORMAL, Henry, I would also love to have a companion/lover/friend but at the same time, I am no longer (I think) vulnerable to that NEED/DESIRE. I am satisfied myself, with myself.
So you think a 54 yr old, redneck, gay country guy has trouble finding a mate? Sheesh–you oughta be a 61 yr old, educated redneck woman who isn’t as “smart as she thinks she is cause 50 pounds of her didn’t even go to HIGH SCHOOL” and now, try to find a mate for her!!!!
Funny thing though, I saw a movie the other night (can’t remember the name of it) and this woman about my age and looks was a bartender and after hours she was sitting having a drink with her friend, a middle aged guy who was a rescue diver, and they were talking about life and she said something to the point that she “wasn’t ashamed of the wrinkles, she had earned them LIVING IN THE SUN, and the laugh lines she had earned by laughing uproaresly, and she had drank and smoked, and screwed, and loved and fought, and was gonna go out having lived life to the fullest”
I thought about what she said and her attitude about it all. You know what, Henry, my life has been freeking AMAZING. I have done so many things that few people have had the opportunity or the guts to accomplish. My age spots on my face were baked in by the equatorial African sun while I watched wildlife so close I could have reached out and touched it. My creeking ankles, knees and joints are because I rode rodeo with some of the best. I learned to fly an airplane when I was 17 and it was the most sprititual experience I have ever had, it was like there was no one in the world except me and God. I have loved, and I mean LOVED, and I have nurtured my children, I have delivered a baby, and been there to watch baby chicks break the egg and emerge.
I have done really stupid things and lived to laugh about it. I have encountered psychopaths and lived to tell about it and to cry and later laugh and thank my God that He was there protecting me when I didn’t have sense enough.
I have seen SATAN up really close and personal, and I have also seen the face of God, not in some “burning bush” on a mountain, but in the faces of people who are caring and kind and giving and loving, and in the bright smiles of little children who know no guile, and in the morning sunshine, and the evening cool, and in flowers and leaves and in all creation.
I am a sentimental old bat that cries at old black and white Lassie re-runs, and cries for Old Yeller, and for Bambi when his mother gets killed, but can stand strong and load the gun and pull the trigger without flinching when an animal I love needs to be put down, and THEN lay on the ground crying, hugging their still warm body. I go to the butcher with my beef cows, and stand and talk to them, reassuring, so they won’t be frightened as their time comes.
Nah, Henry, neither of us has reached “healing” cause we are still breathing, but we are on the RIGHT ROAD, and you know what—we’ve earned our wrinkles, we’ve earned our creaky joints, and we’ve learned how to LOVE and BE LOVED, and we’ll get through this life with honor and grace from here on in, knowing our own worth, celebrating life and ourselves and we don’t need anyone to make us COMPLETE. We ARE complete, and if (as I hope) we both find someone to SHARE that completeness with, that wil only be frosting on the cake!
CELEBRATE THE MOMENT!!!!
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Beverly says:
Same here Henry. They kind of left a gap – didnt they? I am trying to fill mine with friends, and other plans – not quite the ideal, but it will do for the moment. Hope you are alright Henry. Im much in the same boat too.
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OxDrover says:
PS Henry,
BTW I said “wishy washy” not SWISHY! LOL
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henry says:
Oxy I have had a very good life, I count my blessing’s every day. There are billion’s of people with worse problem’s than my own. I am very blessed. Beverly – we have learned alot about ourselve’s and personality disorder’s. With all the knowledge and understanding we have acquired. Even knowing (he) was not real, only an illusion. I bet you would agree with me, we are still left with a broken heart and a longing for what we thought was………..when that pain stops then I will be healed.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
The pain WILL stop, I promise you! When? I’m not sure. If that is the definition of “healed”—I’m not sure, but it sure beats the heck out of PAIN 24/7—with or without them.
I thought the pain of my divorce (I wasn’t the one that wanted it) would never quit, and one day I was wrestling with the kids out in the yard and we were playing with the water hose, rollig on the ground trying to shove the hose down each other’s shirts, laughing like crazy people, muddy, wet, and having a blast—and right in the middle of that “water fight” I stopped and pulled up short—I REALIZED I WAS HAPPY AND NOT IN PAIN. Just like that. It went away, crept away so silently that I didn’t even notice that it was GONE and happiness crept in just as silently and was THERE.
Most of the time I am happy now, I don’t GRIEVE and cry for what I lost, my son, my mother, etc. but I do have some angry times about my mom, but those are less and less, in fact, becoming more rare the longer NC goes on (no NEW injuries to deal with and trigger the old pain) NC ROCKS!!!!!
Does that mean I’m “healed”? I’m not sure, but I’m happy, and I’m not in PAIN now, don’t have everything in the world I’d LIKE but have everything I NEED, PLUS SOME, starting to love myself, learn to set boundaries without obscessing. Not being as “mean to” me, giving myself a break once in a while, not to be perfect any more. HAA HAA like I ever was! LOL
I don’t see myself “stopping” at any point and saing “I’m healed, I can’t get any better”—I think I will always want to “improve” on my thoughts, my philosophy, my relationships, and just continue to GROW. So for ME, it is a journey that will end when I do. I’m no longer “bleeding” emotions, or pain, or grief, but I am also not the same person I was 5 years ago before my husband’s death—frankly I think I am the NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION, and I just intend to get BETTER.
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ThePeregrine says:
Good article, and it points out only some of the problems with domestic violence laws and the way they are used to punish people without proving any wrongdoing. I know. I’m one of those people, and didn’t know I was with a sociopath until it was too late (which I think is often the case, especially with borderline personality disorder).
In the article’s summary of New Jersey’s law, I notice some interesting phrasing:
# If there are any signs of physical injuries the police must arrest the abuser.
# Police may also arrest the abuser without witnesses or signs of physical injuries.
In traditional legal terms, this should refer to the “alleged abuser.” Otherwise, the police are determining guilt on the spot. I wonder if the NJ law is written that way, or if Ms. Andersen paraphrased?
The presence or absence of the word “allegation” can be critically important. Without it, what is the purpose of investigation and why should police bother? False allegations and denial of due process are major problems with current federal and state laws related to domestic violence. These problems and some suggested solutions are concisely detailed at aavreform.org …
Denying the sociopath a place in our lives requires us to set and keep appropriate boundaries. For the protection of all citizens, it’s very important that our laws do the same. If we fail to reform our domestic violence laws, many families are going to be destroyed and we are all going to regret it very soon.
I hope all Americans can work together to resolve this, and I wish you all peace in your hearts and in your homes.
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Donna Andersen says:
The information in the article is paraphrased from the complete statute, which can be read here:
http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/family/fam-06.htm
I should have used the word “alleged.” My mistake.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
I am convinced I’m healing at least about the ex.. but I am now dealing with a lot of other stuff that is causing me extreme fear and anxiety. I am grateful for what I have, but I am suffering from this strangling fear that it’s all going to be taken away from me. I was homeless with my kids for a little while two years ago.. I am having a really hard time getting over it.. I’m really scared it’s going to happen again.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kat,
you know I think that is part of our healing process, is that once we start getting over the P-thingie, we start bringing up past issues that we haven’t completely dealt with, at least I know that seems to be what happened with me, and you know it is painful, but at the same time I think it is a GOOD thing and shows that we are getting BETTER not just “getting over” it. I think most if not all of us have some old issues that make us good targets for the Ps, and once we have healed or mostly healed from the Ps’ damage, going back and cleaning up that previous stuff is a GOOD thing, makes us stronger.
I think that haivng a fear about security and having a home, especially if in the past you haven’t had one for a while, then it would be odd for you NOT to have some fears about that.
Dealing with REALISTIC FEARS in a REALISTIC manner is a good thing. Looking at what is real, then deciding how to handle it rationally is an adult thing to do. I lived on the edge of ultimate poverty the entire time I went to college after my divorce, there were times I wondered where next week’s groceries would come from. It took it one day at a time. I made a plan and stuck to it—one day at a time and eventually got through with my degree and pulled myself up.
The “trick” (if you want to call it that) is to not let the FEAR overcome you where you panic. Just recognize that there are things that you have to put on the front burner and make prorities, managing your money, and include the kids in that too, it is a great way for them to learn what money is, and how to manage it to get the things that they need and want.
Hang in there Kat, you’re doing better than you might think, I’ve seen the growth over the last few months (can’t remember how “long” by days, weeks, months, etc.) I’m proud of your progress, your openess and how you are recognizing what’s going on with yourself! (((hugs))))
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henry says:
Kat I am happy to hear you say you are convinced you are getting over the X P… Yes so am I – maybe not getting over it but getting past it- and now we look at everything differently because we know if we let our gaurd down we might lose everything again…
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
I really wuv you guyz.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Henry I have this internet buddy…….yeah I know.. I can’t help thinking of you every time I talk to him.. so sweet, so cowboy, so gay
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Iwonder says:
Henry: What are you thinking about…finding someone else is not going to be the solution to happiness. How long has it been since your ex has been away? It takes time. Obviously, you are not ready yet to jump into something else anyway so why don’t you use time to do something to take your mind off the hurts? I know it sucks. When my ex walked out (well, i kicked him out) of my life it felt like someone died. The first two months I stayed in bed all day on weekends…smoking cigarettes and crying. I let it all out. I cried at my desk at work. The 3rd month, I started feeling better. I got my hair cut, manicure, dropped a fortune at Macys for new clothes, sold one of the cars (one was his,) started paying my bills again because I let everything go, started studying again for my school exam that was blown off because of the trauma.
I’m into month 4. Joined a gym last night with my cousin. At the gym I ran into an old co-worker I hadn’t seen in 3 yrs. So nice to get out and talk to people again and reconnect with family. I’m still battling the ex S to sign over the deed to my condo. I am so strong now that I called the prosecutor and a detective is going to help me. Things are looking brighter.
I couldn’t even imagine dating someone seriously right now. What I did was put myself on a dating website. . just to get out to feel normal again. I went on 2 dates with 2 different guys in the past 4 months. I did not feel right with either of them. But it got me out of the house and it helps me test the waters. I’ll know when I’m ready for a serious relationship again.
I was thinking about why none of my relationships work out. Thinking I need to stop being a rescuer…such a giver…such a sucker. Also, spirituality wise, none of our relationships will be right unless they are blessed by God. God does not bless relationships where one party enters into it with the motivation of one of the deadly sins involved (lust, greed, sloth, vanity, etc.) Think about it. Think what motivates us to hook up with someone. Think about why the other person wants to hook up with us. Look at the other person’s motivations.
Next time I feel like I want a serious relationship, I will ask WHY. WHY do you want to be in a serious relationship with me? Because I look good (lust?) Because I have money (greed,) and you want someone to take care of you (sloth), etc.
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Iwonder says:
Henry:
PS: Next time I do get seriously involved with someone else, I will do a background check and criminal check too.
Henry, I may never meet anyone again or someone right for me. I have decided though, if I can’t meet someone whose motivations are true as I mentioned in my last paragraph last blog, I will be alone. Period. I’d rather be happy alone than stressed out made ill by someone who doesn’t give a shit in the wind about me.
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Wini says:
Wow Iwonder, I read what you wrote to our Henry, you get it?
Peace.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Iwonder!!!!
TOWANDA!!! GF!!! RIGHT ON!!!!
Henry, I just got an idea, a “brain fart” if you will. I think part of your loneliness is just living in the house “alone”–why don’t you see if you can’t find a FEMALE room mate (that way there won’t be any problems with it developing into anything romantic) And I can tell you, my son D is a GREAT COMFORT to have here, just another living soul with some of the same goals that I have. He is the best roommate I have ever had. He doens’t get in my space, we live in different ends of the house really, we don’t intrude on each other’s space and we are great FRIENDS.
He was gone for 8 months a couple of years ago off on a job, and it felt strange here by myself. I realized it was the first time in 40 years I had lived totally alone—no husband, no kids, no roommates. I rattled around like a BB in a boxcar for a couple of months until I got used to it and adjusted.
But I realize now, looking back, that my loneliness at that time, just pacing from room to room, was just wanting someone that I knew would “come home” sooner or later.
During my marriage to my late husband, there were times He would be gone off on a job for a week or a month, once for six months, but we talked on the phone daily, or he would be home on the weekends, so even though I was in the house “alone” at that time, I really WASN’T emotionally “alone” cause I talked to him, and I knew he would be back in a day, a week, or when ever.
All during the time my son C and his P-wife lived just across the field, next door to my mom, they might as well have lived 1000 miles away, so proximety isn’t just physical or distance it is emotional as well. Now my son C lives 8 hours away and he is CLOSE, because I talk to him frequently on the phone and he comes home to visit as often as he can.
BTW, I got up this morning and made coffee and stood in the dining room looking out through the paned sliding glass doors onto the deck which sticks out into the woods which slope steeply down to a little gully, and the thin fall sunshine was filtering through the trees, and I just stood there so grateful to God for what he has provided for me. It felt really GOOD to be back inside my house again, I felt safe and happy.
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Iwonder says:
Henry: YES! OX IS RIGHT! Remember Will & Grace?? Oh it would be fantasic.
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Wini says:
Henry, just remember to pay attention to any RED flags going off concerning these new roomies (LOL).
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Iwonder says:
Hey All, I just got a text from my ex S. He said yesterday wasn’t a good day to get the deed papers signed but that his GF made an appt at a notary’s office for him to go today. He’ll have it done & papers mailed tonight and crap from the garage picked up this Saturday. I wrote him back, thank you. You will never hear from me again. Good luck with GF. He doesn’t know how close he came to having the prosecutor call him today. . or show up at his GF’s house (because really it’s her house.) Anyway, this clears up the question as to whether or not she was involved in a scam to steel my property. Looks like she wasn’t in on it. But, I’ll bet she will never ever put his name on the deed to her home. She also wont believe a word he says or trust him not to cheat. Afterall, he cheated on me with her, so why wouldn’t he do that to her? Ewwww. She can have him. This is one nightmare coming to an end.
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Wini says:
Iwonder, I hope your bubble doesn’t get bursed and he follows through with signing the paperwork over to you.
How do you know his current GF knows? Did he tell you that, or did you talk with her? If he told you that, most likely it’s a lie. If you talked with her directly and got your answer right from the horses mouth … even then, I’d be suspicious that this women is even his GF … she could be someone else pretending. I found that out with my ex … as other people called and said “Wini, I talked with you myself, remember”? Not.
They’re very very very sneaky. Watch yourself.
Seriously, I hope he follows through and it’s a done deal. Over and out … then you can go on with your life … happier and content.
Peace.
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lostingrief says:
Iwonder: my prayers are with you. hope for the best but prepare for anything. i don’t think my ex-perv ever did ONE thing he said he would do.
even after he charmed me into coming back to the city to be with him (he tried for two years until he finally came upon the CORRECT scheme to entice me) and promised to help me move in, when i arrived four of his friends were there to help. he wasn’t. he showed up just as they were finishing. the supervisor. he doesn’t move anything; he gets others to. i should have seen it all then, but instead i was fascinated that he had everyone ‘looking up’ to him. like i said in a previous post, he is such a ‘master’ that even his guy friends are his bitches. nothing he says he will do, he does. and that goes twice for those things he knows i needed him to do.
with hopes that all goes your way …
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Iwonder says:
Hello LIG & Wini: Well today sucked. The S called from the library getting deed notarized but now he wants one more thing…a letter signed and notarized be me stating he is not responsible for any property taxes or other obligations that may arise. He also said you know I legally don’t have to give this to you…i could go to court. But, I can’t keep something that isn’t mine..that I did not work for. He said it would be my word against his because I willingly signed. We got into a shouting match. I reminded him how his name got on there…because he said we were getting married! I told you I would put your name on if you showed me your were serious about marriage by filing the annulment! He denied he even mentioned marriage. I said, “what?” You insisted I call you “fiance.” We talked about getting married by Dec 06 on the beach in Peurto Rico. We went looking for rings at the Jewlery Exchange. We saw 2 lawyers before Dec 06 to get your marriage annulled and you didn’t follow through..then we went to the courthouse to file the annullment Feb 07 ..a month before you moved in. What a liar!!
Then he brought up the car…how I should have let him keep it and make payments because he was going to get it refinanced in a loan in his name. I told him I did not trust him because he made $0 payments for the 16 mos he had it. This guy is such a retard. He still doesn’t have his own car. If he can’t get credit for his own car, what makes me think he would have gotten a loan to refinance in his name? He is jerking me around with the deed because he’s still mad about the car.
Well, I told him, “I loved you enough to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. You didn’t love me. You loved T*** and wanted to be with her. Therefore, you win and I lose.” I figure this way he feels like he is in control and he “won.”
Anyway, I’m going to try to do what he says. This is the last thing. I have the prosecutor waiting on me if he doesn’t come through.
Wini: I don’t know if the girlfriend is in on it or not. When I was having the argument on the phone with the S today and he denied ever talking marriage with me, I said, “why are you saying these things? Is it because T*** is there and you want to look good in front of her?” He said she wasn’t there but who knows. A liar is a liar.
He’s just mad because now he has to use T**’s car everywhere he goes or bum rides. He blames me.
I can’t wait until NC. I don’t love him, don’t hate him. don’t anything him. He’s nothing.
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lostingrief says:
Iwonder: i would have given my ex anything he wanted just to have him leave me alone and be done with him.
he’s just jerking you around because …. he can.
try to get through this with the minimum of contact (he’ll screw with your head all he can) and get those papers signed by any means necessary, as long as it doesn’t screw you.
you’ve got us all behind you.
peace.
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Wini says:
Iwonder: Let me explain scenarios my psycho co-workers did at work. If a customer needed to complete 10 steps to get something accomplished … my psycho co-workers would tell the person … do steps 1, 2 and 3 and mail it back to me. So the customer leaves our office, takes time off from work, get # 1 completed. Next day, they take 1/2 day off and get #2 and 3 completed. Mail the steps back to my co-worker. Meanwhile, psycho CW doesn’t do anything for this customer. Few days later, customer calls … psycho CW gets on the phone and says your application is not complete, you need to do steps 4, 5, and 6. So, customer gets off the phone … takes time off from work and gets 4 and 5 done. Next day, they take another 1/2 day off and complete step 6. They bring the process into the office and talk with Psycho CW. Psycho CW now tells them, well you’ve got to do 7, 8 and 9.
No matter how many hoops my psycho co-worker would tell the person … they were just giving them those hoops to jump through. Never telling the customer … look sis, there’s 20 steps you’ve got to do, have it notorized and get it back to me. Done deal. NOOOOOOOOOO, they play all these games to get you to jump through hoops. If you jump through all the hoops, they’ll have another 20 hoops and another 20. It’s endless the nonsense they will put you through. And, they get a kick out of it. Never giving you what you want.
So, like I said, if you are lucky to get the note back without the headaches and financial expenses… get it and run … and don’t look back.
And, NO CONTACT. Every time you hear him, you go back 100 paces. Don’t do this to yourself. He’ll never change, he’ll never be faithful … you’re lucky you don’t have an incurable disease.
Do you know the chances you get being involved with them for cancer of the uterus? All the other diseases they cause in women? Did you ever look at medical techs with the photos of what these diseases look like? What they do to your body?
Please, NO contact. We say that, not to be mean to you … we say that, because we don’t want his games to beat you down. You are so close to escaping forever … so you can live a loving, beautiful life. NO CONTACT.
And when you think of him and you are down and blue, put some upbeat music on and dance and sing while you are doing the dishes, doing the laundry, cleaning your home.
Peace.
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henry says:
OX and IWonder I have a better idea, instead of a female roomate, maybe I will win the lottery and I can hire a hot yard man, a cute pool boy, a very good maid. Oh and a dogsitter to care for them while I travel the world going to Europe going everywhere, seeing everything. If I am going to dream mite as well dream big!!! And I would buy everyone on LF a ticket somewhere! Where do we all want to meet? The oklahoma lottery is at 200 million. I rarely give the lottery a thot – I try to be happy with all I have. A small 3 acre farmette out in the sticks – a mobile home that I built on too – a above ground pool. But it is my space – my sanctuary – my home. Yes Ox I am lonely and probably needy, and I don’t like to admit that. I have so many good people in my life – so many blessing’s. I need to check out some of the co-dependent site’s on the web, but in my mind, to do that mean’s I was at fault, I was the one to blame for (the) relationship not working. Intellectually I know with out a doubt he was a disordered empty shell of a little lost spitefull child. A man child. I know I jumped on the opportunity to rescue him, I volunteered to be his victim. Why him? There have been lot’s of other’s cross my path that needed rescued. Why Him? I knew his intention’s were shady. Why Him? I knew his word’s of comittment and love and loyalty were not sincere. All his attempt’s at affection were feigned. I felt his evil presence -even when I held him to comfort him – I knew deep down that this man does not love anything – and I knew I would miss him when he was gone. And I do. Never in my dream’s did I think someone would want to share my life, my dreams, my goal’s. He tried to tell me we were a couple – but I never felt it. I cant believe what I took from him. I am not a stupid, deperate, lonely ole troll. I still have alot of work to do on me before I put myself out there. Emotionally I have nothing to offer another man right now, all i would want to talk about is my spath baggage. And that ain’t gonna get me anywhere!!! I do have a “friend” that I have been seeing, not dating, but there are red flag’s jumping out everywhere with him, and I am paying attention to them. My instinct’s tell me too stop spending time with him. But maybe I look too hard for red flags. If you look hard enuff you can find ” something “bad in anyone. Well I have rambeld on long enuff. Iwonder I sure feel bad for you with your X and the property situation. I will send good vibes out to the universe in hope’s that all goes well for you…………….
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Wini says:
Well well well Henry, you finally blogged on.
I’ve got an inspirational quote for you and everyone on LF.
Fortunate are those who have developed the two P’s
Patience and Perseverance –
For they get easy access to the third P –
the Power of GOD.
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Wini says:
And Henry, you forgot the big “L” word when describing your EX. That’s OK buddy, can you (as well as the rest of us) can all LOVE. Think about what they are missing in their life … not only not loving anyone … all the rest of life.
I’d like to go to Alaska … and not because of Palin being in the news these days … I just always wanted to go there. And, yes, I love mooses too.
Saw 2 of them up towards the Canadian border years ago … and they are bigger than Bullwinkle. There heads are humongous. They can flip your vehicle with their antlers. Amazing, amazing creatures God made for us to Enjoy!
Peace.
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OxDrover says:
Dear henry,
Hun, if red flags are jumping out, it is NOT cause you are looking for them, believe me, DON’T BRUSH THEM OFF.
Admitting that you are needy, or admitting that you are co-dependent does NOT MEAN that you are “taking the blame” or that you ARE TO BLAME. Look at who our moms were/are, but look at the enabling that they did and made us accept as the way things were supposed to be. But we are getting out of that RUT now, we are accepting that we DID ALLOW the abuse(s) but we are NOT GOING TO DO THAT ANY MORE. We are going to quit rescuing people, we are going to learn to set boundaries.
I am getting the skillet out though for one thing, you said it negatively but it sounded to me like you really were thinking it, about you being a “lonely old troll”—don’t you EVER talk about my friend Henry like that again or I will bash your noggin good with the BIG SKILLET!
Henry, there is nothing shameful about being lonely, or wanting someone to love, or wanting companionship. It means you are HUMAN.
Neither of us have too much to “offer” anyone right now cause we’re still healing, but we’ll get there, I promise you, Henry!
I saw red flags waving all over the place with my X-BF and I knew before too long after we started dating that he was not an honest and upright man, but I brushed aside the RED FLAGS cause I sure didn’t want to admit that I needed to kick him to the curb. I was afraid to kick him to the curb. I was afraid to be alone without a man in my life. I was so needy. I was so HUMAN. Henry, you are HUMAN. Quit beating yourself up for acting human.
Right now I think WE (you and me) need to focus on us, on recovering our joy, our faith in OURSELVES to make good decisions based on REASONABLE GOOD SENSE. Neither of us want some piece of “trash” (and you know what that word means in the south). My x-BF-P had a reasonable amount of money but he was “trash”–and your M was “trash” (no money isn’t what made him trash, it was his behavior) But lots of time “trashy behavior” leads to no job, no home, etc. and carrying around his stuff in a card board box.
Hang in there Henry (((hugs))))
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Stargazer says:
OMG, Iwonder, don’t give him that statement until you receive the signed copy from him and his name is off the deed! I can just imagine him trying to defraud you again! He sounds like a real winner. Why, oh why can’t they legalize euthanasia for people? Some of these creeps really do need to be euthanized right away!
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henry says:
Wini Alaska! That a good place to visit, we better hurry and go there before Palin start’s drilling for oil!!! I have never seen a moose – a real moose – just BullWinkle!!
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henry says:
Hi OXY I just read the thread “Taking the Blame” that was a good thread. There were so many good post from the bloggers on that thread. Oxy thanx for always being there for me. And you do know how much I have improved over the last six month’s. And it does my heart good when I read other blogger’s that are finally taking their live’s back. It is like we all talk about the same person, and just reading the post’s I can feel the pain and confusion. Then a week later they are better and so on a so forth. We waffle and cry and share some triumps, even if it is just one day of NC -we have someone to share that with. What would we do with out this website? Someone on the other thread mentioned short term memory loss as one of the symptoms of being with a P – I had that – and I was afraid maybe it was permanent ‘can’t remember shit” but it wasnt, it was part of his plan..gives me chills to think of the mind games they play…….Yes OXY we need to recover our JOY – I was talking to a guy I have known many years the other day – well we talked a while and he looked at me and said “what’s up? Your not your usual jovial self?” and I said ” I used to be jovial?” he is right – I did use too be a fun person. Let’s all recover our JOY – I seem to miss that more than anything.
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henry says:
Stargazer – can I call you Dr. Cavorkian? I say again “Only death will get them out of their misery – so let them live long miserable live’s, but yes it would be easier for us to find closure if we could place a single black rose on their grave’s. Am I sick for saying that?
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Stargazer says:
If not euthanasia, can we at least castrate them?
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Wini says:
Henry: They are massive creatures. A little bit longer than a large horse … but they slope. There heads and faces are so big, you wonder how they hold their heads up. From the back of their heads down to their tails … they slope. Massive hoofs too. We were driving up to Canada and pulled to the side of the road because we saw one drinking in the stream. We parked on the right side of the road … and walked across the road to take a better look. Then we saw the 2nd one come out of the woods to the stream. They just looked at us, then went about their business. We were up on the road and they were down an embankment to the stream … so far enough from them if they decided to charge us. I don’t know if they are skittish or not … didn’t have a text about their habits … so I wasn’t going to find out. That same week I saw a black bear running. What a sight to see this huge creature running. We were sight seeing up a lumber mill dirt road … came around a clearing and startled it about 50 ft in front of us … he took off. It was the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve seen beers before, playing, and mozeying … but to see it run. Once in a life time show. I don’t think I’ve ever seen videos on Ntn’l G or anything of them running like that. I wished I had my camera … NO such luck. That same weekend I was swimming in this gorge … just some hole in the ground with spring water. IT was heaven on earth. The water was so clean and sweat. I couldn’t find that place again if my life depended on it. That’s what I GET for just driving off a highway or paved road … down dirt roads … just getting lost. You find the most incredible stuff.
Remind me to tell you how I ended up on this person’s private property … acres and acres of fenced off horse farm … and all the red pick up trucks.
That’s a cool story too. Couldn’t find that place again either … even though I TRIED.
Peace.
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henry says:
stargazer – might as well cut the whole thing off.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Star if euthanasia was legalized, they’d all be in court trying to have us judged “incompetent” so they could put us to death.
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Wini says:
Henry, you beat me to the Jack Joke. Oh, oh, my ex’s nickname is that.
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henry says:
wini those little moment’s stick with us a life time. When I was in Co. I saw a hurd of Clydsdale’s (big horses) running wild – they were huge, even the little babies were huge!!!! I had to pull over and just watch them – hmm how many red trucks?
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Wini says:
Get this story. I just graduated H.S. It was sum sum summer time … and life was sooooooo easy, kiss the moon and all that stuff (oh, oh, showing my age).
Anyway a friend of mine picked me up and we went off to the beach … those were the days of drinking in the car (OH, I didn’t say that, you can’t prove a thing)….
MY only drink of choice those years was Johnny Walker Black. Well, my friend couldn’t get black and got red. Red is the bottom of the sediments … we were toasted. Spent the day at the beach and as we headed home … he’s got to stop cause Mother Nature was calling.
Anyway, back to the car and down the road we go. We’re on a back road … and we come up to this hidden driveway. So, we took it. We’re driving and driving and driving … through miles of forest … and come to a clearing … and as far as the eyes could see … was white post fences … with pure breed horses … on either side of the road (or rather it was these people’s driveway) was different years of pick up trucks. All cherry red. The paint jobs on those trucks were incredible. Mint. Same color red and all the years of the vehicles were different years … there must have been 60 of them … both sides entering the beginning of the clearing part of the driveway. As we looked up from gauking at these trucks … this woman with long flowing hair came galloping on her horse. She was the owners daughter … she was so nice to us … she could have been otherwise because we were tresspassing. We chatted with her and we were on her way. She enjoyed talking with us … she was a few years younger … so it must have been her age, cause if she was older, I’m sure we wouldn’t have been treated so nicely. We never asked her name and we didn’t dare ask her who her dad or her parents were.
So, we turned around and left.
Don’t know who owns that place, but I’m thinking it’s on the line of Leno … if he has a daughter my age, which I doubt … cause I know Leno is a car enthusiast … whoever it was, what an incredible idea … lining the drive like that. They were there as monuments. Who knows … they must have purred like kittens and the owner just choices which vehicle he wants that moment.
Never could find the place again. I even made my EX fly over that location … they either moved or I wasn’t anywhere near it.
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henry says:
wini – interesting -maybe you stumbled upon a red truck convention – cool story
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Wini says:
Henry: Now that was surreal … in a good way.
Hey, ups and downs in life … let’s just hope it turns around again for all of us.
Peace.
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Indigoblue says:
When (it) attacked me and beat me the police where compleetly indifferent ! they said they could do nothing ! I left that night and slept in my Jeep. When the y would’nt help I had to leave my house and camp in the woods in a tent ! I was arrested for trespass even after I had gotten a emergency injunction granted before my arrest ! I spent 5 days in jail under the best of conditions of course ( sarcasim) They the police checked to see if I was alive but did’nt do anything to (it) when I got out (it)) had fled to adjacent county and my county could’nt find (it) I went to court 4 times and he was never found to serve injunction too!
I took (it ) back in after 6 months this is unconcievable !??:
See how easy it is to blame ourselves? at that time I only knew he had problems and I did’nt know about PSY?SOC I thought it was bi polar add ! you can see why my folks have had it ! and I do to now
LOVE jere
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henry says:
indigo I kicked my x too the curb 5 times took him back four – each time my family – friends -and co-workers were less sympathetic .. The last few times I took him back I tried to keep it a secret – I was embarrassed. I no longer talk about spath’s to anybody – just you good folks here.
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BloggerT7165 says:
One of the reasons why this is seen as a feminist issue and a gender war is because males are not allowed in DV shelters. There are almost ZERO shelters that will accept men. Even though men and boys are also victims of DV they are turned away. Here is one example of the issue:
A volunteer who presents about male victims was presenting to a police department. She had 200 law enforcement personnel present. At the end, she got a police officer to volunteer a call to a shelter, posing as a male victim. He called a hotline for a battered womens program and asked about services for men, explaining that he was experiencing violence at the hands of a female. The hotline worker said, “You should be in jail.” The officer restated that he needed help because his wife was violent. The hotline worker hung up on him.
Many DV shelters refuse to hire men or accept them as volunteers also. And trainings on DV are always about the male doing the violence. It SHOULD be about helping anyone but the reality is something different. Here is what one shelter said in a recent (2008 Feminist Criminology article) research article:
We don’t really take male volunteers. It is tricky because we technically can’t say no to them because it is discrimination. So we say we don’t have any room or maybe it would be uncomfortable for a man to work here because of these issues. It is a feminist organization, and can men really fall underneath that feminist ideology? If you look at the survivors themselves, whether they are male or female, they would rather talk to a woman than a man. People always say that men would rather talk to a man, which is a common misconception. They would rather talk to a woman because they are more understanding.
So hopefully that gives just a little idea why this is such a “gender” issue for some folks.
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Indigoblue says:
Only after my injunction had made it to the Sherif’s Dep.
Did the Sherif and my city police come to my house to see if I was alive ! I was and I was safe from (it ) because I was in jail arrested by a different city.
You might imagine that communication between dep.and addjecent Police dep. county to county , Sherif/police would be happening in 2008 ? It’s Not!
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peggywhoever says:
I have a question which is off-topic. I met a woman tonight who was definitely a victim of a S…beatings, complete control, isolation, and perhaps he even tried to poison her (insisted on preparing her food, which he would not eat and did not allow her son to consume).
My initial reaction was that he had a life insurance policy on her and asked if she had signed anything to this effect. She said she had not, but that her understanding is that anyone can take out a life insurance on a another person (perhaps not a huge dollar amount?) and it does not require their signature nor knowledge. This sounds scary to me. I have been very concerned about my ex-S’s life insurance policies on his ex-wife, attempts with me, and perhaps with new SO. Does anyone know about this?
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peggywhoever says:
In googling, here was a response.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_....._knowledge
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Jen2008 says:
In my former city/state there was a mandatory arrest/ no drop policy, rather than leaving it up to police discretion as to whether to make an arrest. My understanding of it is this was a law pushed by feminist, but there is now alot of controversy about the effectiveness of it. There is a backlash in the sense that both innocent men and innocent women are being arrested sometimes on next to nothing (like a pissed off woman who is not actually being abused, but calls the police during a fight, OR a woman who IS being abused and her abuser has a minor injury, whereas she has no visible one).
I was told the O.J. Simpson/Nichole Brown case started it. Now if they come out to your house on a domestic call, they pretty much have to arrest somebody.
Police have to determine who the primary aggressor was and what that ends up often meaning is that if one party even has a MINOR injury such as a tiny scratch, THAT party is the one arrested regardless of what happened and what the other party did, or if the police have conflicting stories of what happened, the one with the obvious injury is the one going to jail. This mandatory arrest law is just a dream come true for some psychopaths who are clever. And if I sound bitter, it is because this is the one area where I am VERY bitter.
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Jen2008 says:
And when dealing with a psychopath, don’t make the mistake of expecting them to play fair and don’t make the mistake of assuming all policeman have what even could pass as a smidgeon of a brain. When you dial 911 and you have a psycho on your hands who has not only consumed a ton of beer, but has managed to damage property, not to mention slam you around a bit, and you call 911, then the psycho goes out on the porch, sits down, and CALMLY waits for the police …….do NOT assume that by the time police get there, that even though there are NO injuries on your S or P prior to the call, that there won’t be some sort of injury by the time the police get there.
And don’t assume the police are bright enough to see the damage and that your s or p or to even notice your is or p is double your freakin size and drinking (actually still holding a beer in his hand) and says YOU are the one who slapped him (and while doing that the scratch occured, even though the slap NEVER happened) and you say that if the s or p has any sort of injury it was accidentally done during the scruffle and even tho there was NO blood prior to the call, the P now has blood smeared all over his jawline………dont’ EVEN make the assumption that at worse case scenerio you BOTH will be arrested…….cause you may very well may be the ONLY one arrested and be told something like “That’s what you get for staying with him”, and “he’s the one with the scratch” (which was TINY btw but with tons of blood on his face, but oddly none on his collar or shirt)….and you ask (while in the back of the squad car) “So, you mean to tell me he could have me down on the floor with a knife to my throat and if I fought to get away, I would be the one arrested?” Reply: “That’s right.” ….Then you’ll really be delighted to spend 12 hours in a holding cell (now required as a cooling off period), then be given a TRO and told by the magistrate that she can’t make you leave your own home since you are the one who OWNS the house, BUT if the police come out for any reason whatsoever you will be the one automatically arrested regardles of the situation due to that TRO.
And then be told the only way you can get him out of YOUR house (even though he has friends and family in the area and you have NO ONE in the entire state and nowhere else to go) is to go thru formal eviction procedures. Not to mention you are NOW prohibited from leaving the state until the court case is over.
Then you come home and while cleaning find blood all over the place–including the air vent beside your desk and you just can’t figure out where all this blood came from. THEN the psychopath, nice guy that he is, makes it all clear when he casually starts messing with his finger and you ask what is wrong and he sly smiles a little knowing smile and shows you this deep gash on his index finger and says he cut it during the fight. Then it dawns on you so that is why he had that paper towel wrapped around that beer he was holding onto for dear life that night and it really hits you just how bad you’ve been HAD. You got nowhere to go, a guy refusing to leave, and you can’t call the police even if you wanted to or you’ll be the one arrested again–not to mention that also even tho you haven’t had so much as a speeding ticket in over 20 years, you NOW have an arrest record. *SUCKER*
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peggywhoever says:
Jen:
Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. And your story sounds entirely feasible to me. NOT reasonable, but certainly possible. Unbelieveable (to a rational person) but entirely believeable (knowing as we do that there are wacko’s in the world). So did this actually happen to you (and if so how long ago) or is it a possible scenario?
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