104 Comments to “Domestic violence is not a battle of the sexes, it’s a battle against sociopaths”

1. alohatraveler says:

   “He stood up against the powerful feminist-controlled domestic violence machine…”

   That is the dumbest, most uninformed, BS statement! Retarded! Ridiculous! Upsetting! Outrageous! Disappointing!

   Clueless. Just clueless. :o(

   I am very sad that this was said and celebrated.

   Monday, 18 August 2008 @ 9:21pm

2. OxDrover says:

   I see both sides of the issue, and I am glad I didn’t have to make that judicial decision.

   As a health care professional I have witnessed cases of domestic violence from all aspects—I had a patient who was bitten so badly by her 16 yr old daughter (Borderline Personality disorder) that I actually had to sew up some of the wounds, though normally no sutures are used in human bites because they are so dirty. I actually had to threaten the judge with the media if he didn’t do something to protect the mother from this child. Child services said that if the mother “abandoned” her child by leaving home they would arrest HER! I advised the girl’s mother to sleep in her locked car outside the home during the night until I could get to the judge in the morning.

   I have known mothers who filed false sexual charges against X-husbands for inappropriate sexual issues with children.

   I have known men who did the same with their x-wives.

   Sometimes when you think you have seen “the lowest of the low” you get suprised and see something 10 X lower.

   Both psychpaths and other personality disordered individuals know how to work the “system” and to make the victim look “crazy” and dangerous.

   King Solomon is the last Judge that I know of who made the 100% best decision to figure out which was the real mother, when the psychopathic woman would have had the child slain rather than give him up to the other woman. Unfortunately, most judges today don’t seem to have King Solomon’s wisdom. (sigh) [Head shaking here]

   With the apparent proliferation of personality disordered people in family courts I don’t see domestic violence and legal violence ending any time soon, or ALWAYS being what is just and right.

   Monday, 18 August 2008 @ 10:29pm

3. alohatraveler says:

   I do know men have been falsely accused of things and this is a big issue. But to make it as if Domestic Violence is some kind of feminist issue is so lame.

   It’s a humanist issue.

   Wait… that’s what Donna said.

   Anyway, I just hated that statement as an arguement. It’s not a good one by the courts… like it’s a big win for men!

   UPSETTING.

   Monday, 18 August 2008 @ 11:26pm

4. Benzthere says:

   I agree that violence shouldn’t be a battle of the sexes and everyone should have protection against it. But let’s look from another perspective.

   Statistics also state, “Intimate partner violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2001, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence (588,490 total) and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims (103,220 total).”

   Instead of ensuring fundamental rights, seems to me the larger failure is not disuading the crime. Fundamental rights tend to pale once you’ve attempted to engage the legal system in protection after you’ve been stalked, threatened, or terrorized.

   Benz

   Monday, 18 August 2008 @ 11:28pm

5. henry says:

   Crimes of passion - nothing is worse - nobody win’s -

   Monday, 18 August 2008 @ 11:53pm

6. OxDrover says:

   Having recently had my life threatened by a conspiracy of Ps, I’ve been down the legal path. A friend of mine has a “motto” which is “When SECONDS count, the police are only MINUTES away.” That’s pretty true, unfortunately.

   The “crazy making” that the psychopaths (BPDs etc) do, and many times using the legal system to do so, is so unfortunate. Inthebreach is dealing with that one right now, and her X is a freaking lawyer to boot!

   Reading Dr. Anna Salter’s book about pedophiles (she’s a world recognized authority on this subect) which I did for references for the letter I wrote to the parole board about the Trojan HOrse P since he is a 3X child molester, to try to get the to keep him his full term, made my skin crawl.

   Not only that, but with documented convictions 3x for child molestation and attempted murder with a hand gun (guns are forbidden to anyone with a criminal record) KNOWING ALL THIS, they still were going to let him out on parole ILLEGALLY, AND TOTALLLY AGAINST THE LAWS OF MY STATE, until some LOUDMOUTHED OLD BATTLE AX WITH AN IRON SKILLET threatened to SCREAM it out from the Capitol steps with the MEDIA there—then they decide well, maybe his parole isn’t a good idea.

   If the “law” would just abide by the LAW maybe things might be a little better for victims of DV.

   Aloha, the thing about the judge’s comments that blew me away were the PARENT’S RIGHTS–as far as I am concerned parents have NO RIGHTS, KIDS DO. Kids have a right to be safe. I better get off my soap box now, or MY blood pressure will go up. LOL

   Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 2:26am

7. OxDrover says:

   PS: I have also been involved with the Department of Human services and the elder abuse department too. I’ve had bedfast patients who were being abused and UNLESS THE WORKER ACTUALLY SAW THE FAMILY SETTING FIRE TO THE BED CLOTHES WHILE SHE WAS THERE, they would do NOTHING!****NOTHING**** (There goes my blood pressure again! )

   Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 2:29am

8. henry says:

   oxy It’s past your bed time!!!!

   Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 2:37am

9. kat_o_nine_tales says:

   Oxy..all I can picture is you on the steps of the state capitol wearing an apron and waving your skillet.. lol.. I love you so much, you are the mother’s heart of this blog.

   Henry.. about my college degree.. what my goals were, basically surviving the year and trying to raise my self-esteem by finishing my degree. It was therapeutic schooling, but now I have big decisions to make.

   Blondie, I just wanted to say it’s so awesome to see you posting helpful comments to new people, it’s beautiful the way the hurting become the healers here. Love and smooches to you all from Western NY, and keep up the good work all of you.

   Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 6:13am

10. James says:

    When again my ex P had some kind of anxiety attack concerning my fidelity and some unknown fear that I would abandon her? I did all I could to calm her and reassure her that I wasn’t going anywhere. Still this had no affect on her attacking me verbally and yelling at me. God only knows what was going thru her mind. I then decided it would be best if I leave the home and tried only with her blocking the doorway. I beg and threaten her to allow me to leave. Losing my patience I forcefully push her to the side to leave believing that both of us were getting out of emotional control and fearing the worst. Soon after spending a few minutes outside in the front yard she gave running out telling me I “broke” her nose.. Her nose was in fact bleeding and it did indeed show signs of a abrasion. She did inform me that she was going to the hospital and taking one of the children with her. The other one (please don’t ask me how, the noise should have waken the dead) was still sleeping. I didn’t go with her fearing it wasn’t a good ideal to be in a car with her at this time. I stood there in shock! How did this happen? I knew I forcefully push her out of my way and then quickly exit the home (not even looking back). But still how did this happen and why (of this I wasn’t thinking about at the time) didn’t I hear her cry out in pain right after I push her out of my way?? I was confused and scared…

    Of course I was later arrested for domestic violence that day and my court date was set.

    The day of my court we had both of our children with us. Both were very young and had no one else to watch them.

    The State Prosecutor look at us and then requested that we talk with him in private. Again looking at both of us and the children he asked us both what happen. We both told him the story. After this he looked at both of us very sternly and asked us if this thing will ever happen again. We both simultaneously say NO! He then told us that he never wanted to see us again in court concerning this type of matter. After that he told us to leave and that the state would drop their case against me. I was in heaven and Thank God for this blessing! I made a promise to God and myself that day that I would never again lay one finger on her again! A promise that I kept even up to the day she abandoned us! As for her anxiety attack concerning my infidelity (I never cheated on her) and some unknown fear that I would abandon her. Did this happen again? Yes in fact more so but never again would I out of anger touch her in anyway! You see after (years later) thinking about what happen that day, I fear that she might (I really have no proof of this) have hurt herself and then for some unknown reason blame me for that injury. So I knew that I couldn’t give her any opportunity to do something like this again! I really can’t tell you just how many times she tried to get me to this “breaking” point for you see I lost count. So I would tell her and myself over and over again that we had no right to touch each other in this manner!!!

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 6:13am

11. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Maybe I’m just too Irish, or too country, or maybe I just grew up with too many boys, but there is a part of me that would much rather have a little violence in my life than that cold indifference so prevalent these days. I’m not talking real violence, like wife beatings or knock down drag outs, but a little pushing and shoving from my husband would never have me running to the cops. I would feel better if he yelled at me or even swung, than to have him every so calmly, cooly, indifferently walk away and brush me off like a piece of lint. I don’t know how people manage or even expect to keep their cool no matter what evil horrible things are being done to and said about them. I am a person with a very slow temper, but when I am good and mad, people stay out of my way, because I want justice, and if it’s slow in coming it becomes a slow burn in my gut, that just never quits till it sees the offender punished or at least denounced. How did we become such a nation of pansies? I know I’m going to catch hell from all of you for this post, but seriously….

    Anyhow James you are totally right, we shouldn’t touch each other that way. But sheesh, shit happens.. we aren’t robots. I would never call the police on my spouse unless I was truly convinced he was out of control and that the relationship was likely not salvageable.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 6:42am

12. Liane Leedom, M.D. says:

    “It is well-established that a parent’s right to the care and companionship of his or her child is so fundamental as to be guaranteed protection under the First, Ninth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.”

    If there are any lawyers out there would you please analyze this statement. A parent has a right to have a child to use for companionship?

    Parent’s right to the care of his or her child… What does this mean? The child cares for the parent?

    Someone please enlighten me and how does all this go along with the best interest of the child? My daughters both love me very much, but as teenagers I think they would be upset to know that the government mandates them to be my companions! Teenagers of the nation you might want to consider a revolt against this one.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 6:55am

13. Liane Leedom, M.D. says:

    Another thought-

    In many places in the world women have no rights and so are subjected to use and abuse. This was true in America until the 1900s. The first case of marital rape was not until 1978. Here is a passage from an article on marital rape:

    “Sexism is at the heart of marital rape, just as it is at the heart of most forms of sexual violence. The widespread idea that a husband has a right to sex, and has a right to use his wife’s body for this purpose, makes it difficult for many in
    mainstream U.S. culture to recognize sexual coercion in marriage. How can a husband be guilty of taking something that belongs to him? Often the marriage vows are seen as giving contractual consent to sex; hence the crude joke “if you
    can’t rape your wife, who can you rape?” People may think of marital rape as just a bedroom squabble: he wants sex, she’s not in the mood, he wins. The Judeo- Christian and Western European idea that women aren’t supposed to enjoy sex,
    but are just supposed to put up with it, adds to the confusion. All these ideas are based on the assumption that a man’s needs and desires are more important than a woman’s.”

    If we consider the idea of children’s rights, then we see how we are still in the early stages of our evolution. Children currently have few rights. Our laws do not yet reflect the state of our developmental science. Developmental science shows that what a person can become in life is dictated by an interaction between genetics and early environment. Does a child have a right to the best environment the most healthy parent can provide? The answer to this question will mean life success or life failure for many children.

    The issue of our state institutions is also affected by our view of children’s rights. If children had rights then the government would not be allowed to provide an excellent eduaction to economically advantaged children while depriving economically disadvantaged children of a basic education. In my state (CT) economic segregation and discrimination exists in schools.

    As our culture advances we will have to come to a concensus about children’s rights. If children have a right to be optimally nurtured and to grow up free from exploitation and abuse then they have a right to be protected from sociopaths, even when the socioapths are their parents.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 8:09am

14. Benzthere says:

    Dr. Leedom,

    I’m not an attorney, but I believe he is saying each parent has a fundamental right to parent, i.e., care for and spend time with the child/children, and that right should not be removed by merely a “preponderance of evidence” but by “clear and convincing evidence,” changing the statute to a higher standard before removing the accusing parent along with the children from contact with the accused abuser in allegations of domestic abuse cases.

    It would give the accused more protection, would it also generally improve the situation for the children caught in the middle while the courts are assessing fault?

    Benz

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 9:33am

15. Beverly says:

    Dr. Leedom, a man recently said to me ‘women have never had it so good’! I said to him that there are swathes of women in low pay, single parents, abused, exploited etc. I said to him, that is not good. Society on the whole still does not respect women and if you are an older woman, you are respected even less.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 9:41am

16. OxDrover says:

    Dr. Leedom, I’m also NOT an attorney, but I agree with you on this. The TEMPORARY order until a permanent order can be made after examining evidence that is “clear” would not “deprive” the parent of their “rights” except for a VERY short time.

    As far as I am concerned NO PARENT has a “right” to anything concerning the child’s WELFARE. If a parent is abusing a child and/or the other parent, they forefit any “rights” they have and the RIGHT of the child to protection should be paramount above all.

    The “politically correct” notion that everyone can be “rehabilitated” and that these “parents” have a “right” to be with their children are what led to Dr. Amy Castillo’s children being KILLED BY A PSYCHOPATH.

    I realize that a child does better with two loving parents than with only one parent, but they sure don’t do well at all with an abusive parent in the mix. The statistic is 50% or thereabouts for divorces of first marriages and many of those marriages that end in divorce have children. I’m not sure what percentage of those people are psychopaths, or high in psychopathic traits but there ARE some normal parents in the divorces I am sure, where a reasonable visitation and custody is worked out, but too many of them are not “reasonable” and when that is the case, the CHILDREN are the victims for parents using them as clubs to hurt the other parent with, out of revenge and anger.

    In the history of our culture, in the past if a woman had a child out of wedlock, she was presumed to be an “unfit” parent by the fact that she had the child. The child’s custody could be awarded to the FATHER (even if he was a married man) and the child bound out as an indentured servant for 30 years because his mother was “unfit.”

    Men “owned” their offspring just as they “owned” a wife. In divorce cases in those eras (1700-1800s) the men generally got custody of the children if they wanted it.

    Then later, in divorce cases custody of smaller children was given to the mother generally, and the man directed to pay support, with some visitation.

    In a divorce case in 1905 that I am familiar with, because it was my grandfather’s parents, the children and the “work rights” to them were divided between the parents, with the wife getting custody of the children and the father getting a set amount of rights to work the 3 teeanged boys “when the mother wasn’t using them for her own crops.” She received a division of property equal to 1/4 of the marital assets (which on a hill country 40 acre farm weren’t much). Her husband was directed to build her a house on her 10 acres. She died before this house was built though, and the property and the “work rights” to the boys reverted to their father.

    Homeless and parentless children well up into the early 1900s were “indentured” or turned over to the “county poor farm”. Indenture in these days was more or less a “work for food” program for these children. In going over some of these oldl “poor house” records, children would be there for a month or so (usually less) and then the county would “take bids” for their care. Low bid won. These children or able-bodied mentally retarded would then be used as labor on the farms of the “winning bidders’” land. Unless they were so severely beaten that bones were broken or eyes punched out, they had little or no recourse from the courts with their new “owners.”

    Any able bodied person in a “poor house” was expected to work and help out on the poor farm’s crops and gardens. Yearly reports (still obtainable up into the 1930s) would list inmates by name, condition, how much they were able to work, and potential dispositions of them–i.e whether they could be “farmed out” to someone else rather than the poor house itself. The main purpose of this action was to keep the cost for supporting these people as low as possible for the county. Pest houses such as those that were available for homeless and familyless people with TB were even worse. My grandfather’s brother died in one in 1920 and his letters describing the conditions still make me cry today when I read them.

    We have made great strides in so many ways today from those days, but in other ways, we are still operating under some of the same principles we did then. Descriptions today of “foster care” and how it operates will make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and you grind your teeth.

    The family courts as well, and the whole system of law enforcement, social work, legal system, prison system, etc. needs a complete overhaul. Thanks to the apparently growing number of psychopaths and UNREALISTIC expectations that “there is rehabilitation for everyone” DV continues to flourish. I can’t say it is “worse” than before, but it sure in my opinion isn’t much better.

    I still grind my teeth thinking that our local county jail put my DIL in a DV shelter when she was released from jail after SHE tried to kill my son…what were they thinking? She is somewhere between BPD and PPD, but no doubt at all that she is personality disordered.

    It makes me wonder too, like with James’ description of his X “hurting herself” and then having him arrested, how many of the women taking up DV shelter beds are themselves personality disordered. It’s all a mess, in any case.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 2:51pm

17. nightmare says:

    HI ALL I MUST SAY THAT I AM A LITTLE TWO SIDED ON THIS ISSUE………. AFTER A BREAK UP WITH MY S. MONTHS LATER I FOUND OUT HE GOT MARRIED AND YES I WAS SHOCKED SINCE IT WAS ONLY MONTHS I TRACKED HIM DOWN MADE A PHONE CALL TO HIS NEW WIFE INFORMING HER HER NEW HUSBAND OWED ME 6.000 DOLLARS……. AFTER A 2 HOUR PHONE CALL WITH HER I FOUND OUT HE WAS SEEING HER FOR THE 7 YEARS I WAS SEEING HIM . ANY WAY. SHE SAID SHE WOULD MAKE SURE I GOT MY MONEY AND HE CALLED ME AND WE HAD SOME WORDS. NO THREATS OR ANYTHING. 3 DAYS LATER THE COPS SHOWED UP AT MY HOUSE WITH AN ARREST WARRANT FOR HARRASSMENT AND A RETRAINING ORDER.

    SO ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS WALK INTO THE POLICE STATION MAKE UP SOME LIES. AND I WAS ARRESTED. I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN TROUBLE I WAS TRAMATIZED….. AFTER GOING TO TRO HEARING JUDGE THROUGH IT OUT…. AND THEN THE HEARING FOR THE HARRASSMET THE S DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP.IT WAS DISMISSED BUT STILL I HAD AN ARREST RECORD. I SUED HIM FOR THE MONEY HE DID NOT ANSWER THE COMPLAINT . SO I AM IN PROCESS OF GETTING A DEFAULT JUDGMENT AGAINST HIM FOR THE 6.000 PLUS LAWYERS FEES ECT. I ALSO HAD TO PAY TO GET MY RECORD EXPUNGED SINCE I HAVE A STATE LICENSE TO WORRY ABOUT.
    SO I FEEL IF THERE IS SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THEN THERE SHOULD BE ACTION . BUT IN MY CASE IT WAS TOO EASY FOR HIM… SO I FEEL THE SYSTEM WAS ABUSED……….. THANKS FOR LISTENING.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 7:29pm

18. OxDrover says:

    Dear Nightmare,

    In a situation like that the police SHOULD PROSECUTE HIM for “bearing false witness” and put his butt in jail, but unfortunately, they are “pleading down” big felonies so what are they going to do, turn a bank robber loose so that they can free up a jail bed for your X? Probably not.

    Personally, I think you should have had a chance to be heard before a judge before you were arrested, but that’s just me.

    Anyway, sorry about your problem. I hope you get a judgment against him and that you can collect it.

    BTW, welcome here. Glad you have come, sounds like this is the right place for you—and as Aloha says “stay a while.” No thanks needed for “listening” that’s what we do, and we’ve all had P-experiences so there’s no trouble with your story sounding “unbelieveable” here–no matter how bad it is!

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 7:45pm

19. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Welcome nightmare.. my husband had me arrested for harrassment as well, just for calling the number he gave me, (apparently it actually belonged to his bosses girlfriend of all people). It was thrown out but I was really traumatized as well because I am extremely honest and law-abiding. The whole process of the divorce I felt made a mockery of our marriage and made our family a laughing-stock in our tiny town. I moved away finally, haven’t been back since either. I was just lucky I stuck up for myself and knew the judge quite well.

    Tuesday, 19 August 2008 @ 8:31pm

20. alex45 says:

    Very nice….
    Your way of expression is simply super…
    I think I got what i need…..

    Thanks for your insightful post…

    ===================
    AleX

    New Jersey Drug Treatment

    Wednesday, 20 August 2008 @ 5:15am

21. Cheryl says:

    The piece of s*** that I was married to for 15 months is a Sociopath. I learned the truth from our marriage counselor after 9 months of marriage. He is also an alcoholic and verbally abusive. I was arrested 3 times since our marriage in 2006. The first time was after an argument after 2 months into the marriage and found out he cheated on me. Each time I was arrested for domestic violence AFTER I had left the home to avoid further conflict. Each time he called the police and left a scratch or mark on his face/body. I pulled a premise report from the Sheriff’s Dept. and found that the police had been called to the house over 50 times during the course of 15 months! The ex made all of those calls, mostly when he had been drinking and I was at the home 1 time out of all those calls. I recorded him one day, knowing he was going to cause problems…and when he did, I played the recording back to police and they left.

    Since divorce, with me moving to a different county, I was again arrested for domestic violence, but the charges were dropped. This was his spiteful way of getting back at me for not having anything to do with him. So, when I had to get a few things at the house again, I had to call police or a friend as a witness. All of this has ruined my business reputation in the town where I reside. I look like a freak on my arrest affidavits and I barely drink alcohol and I am not a violent person.

    I cannot stress enough the importance of getting a REAL attorney, not a PUBLIC PRETENDER, as I call them. Otherwise, you will have charges that will stay on your record, or wind up on Probation, like me, for something that I did not do. I am now broke, cannot get a decent paying job because of my recent “record”.

    Wednesday, 20 August 2008 @ 5:58am

22. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Sigh.. oh the memories.. Cheryl, just hang in there girl, it takes time but eventually the entire town and the police will “get it”. I lost my business too and am still broke to this day but at least all the people that used to support him have “gotten it”, though most of them had to learn the hard way.

    Now that you are away from him, people will be able to see his behavior separate from yours, and they will eventually figure it all out.

    Wednesday, 20 August 2008 @ 6:14am

23. OxDrover says:

    Dear Cheryl,

    I am so sorry that you have been through this legal abuse, there is a thread on here about that, if you have not read it, please look it up and do so. It has a lot of good iinformation.

    Keeping good records and recordings if possible are all good ways to protect yourself, and I am saying this for others, as I know you have figured that out already. The damage they do with their lives, especially screaming “s/he hit me” and pushing the legal button of calling the law and getting the victim prosecuted and arrested is the LOWEST OF THE LOW, but we already knew that there is no depth of lowness that they can and will not sink to. They use the very thing that is in place to protect victims to persecute them.

    Good luck to you, Cheryl, in clearing your name and regaining your good reputation. Ditto for you too, Kat.

    Wednesday, 20 August 2008 @ 12:40pm

24. wiserandhealing says:

    Hi everyone,

    It’s been a while for me here again and I’m so glad this safe haven is here. As strange as this may sound I sometimes find that coming here helps me incredibally and then other times it has negative reprocussions and just makes me start ruminating….about him…so I try and steer clear of any reminders………………. they always end up coming to me one way or another though and I come back here to safety.

    It’s so frustrating…sometimes I’ll come here when I feel weak and read for support and reassurance…other times I feel a little stronger and will read and want to help and occasionally give input. THEN…I’ll have a relapse, perhaps even stupidly having contact with the S and end up feeling like the biggest fraud ever !

    I KNOW that no contact is the ONLY route to healing and having any kind of authentic life. I always feel strongest when there’s been lots of time past with NC but somehow I eventually end up feeling so strong that I feel like I can answer the phone and simply be ‘entertained’ by what his new lure will be. It always starts off like…’oh my God, I could use a laugh…what’s he going to try and use now’?Well…I’ve done this now 7-8 times over the past 2 years and I beat myself up worse everytime…making me question my self confidence even more for deluding myself into thinking I was strong enough to deal with a socio. Problem is and always has been that I fell in love with a dream, an illusion. I’ve never felt such deep love. Such a powerful facade. Fact is…I know and have known this guy is a full blown sociopath for two years but I have still entertained the thought that I may be wrong or he miraculously shed his evil. Each time we have contact again I end up cautiously biting…doesn’t matter if I’m cautious…he expects that…he just needs the bite.

    I know….fairytale thinking….but it just angers me so much that he can so easily portray ‘the most absolute perfect guy’……………………….for a minute.

    What probed me to write tonight was the stories you’ve told and the unbeleivable theatrics these oscar winner’s demonstrate. So infuriating and so unjust.

    One of the times I bit the lure(or the apple)….I brought him up to my cabin, quite a remote place but had no real fear of physical safety as he had been on best behavior (solidifying the hook) for a good 3 weeks prior and he had never been physically violent towards me personally…just my property. Well, it didn’t take long after we arrived that his demeanor changed and he suddenly became the controlling, jealous, degrading guy I broke up with so many times before. He ALWAYS got on this thinking the moment I wasn’t giving him full attention that I had or was cheating on him. It drove me nuts because that was such a cut to my character as how could this man I loved so much not see who I am. In fact he had actually cheated at least 7 times that I know of.
    Anyway, he started punching walls, breaking pictures, screaming obscenities and came over to me on the couch towering over me. This intimidation had never happened to this level before…I was for the first time actually afraid of his next move. He is a big guy, 6′6″ and he was completely out of control. He came right up to my face hands on my shoulders and I struck his face to get him away. Well what happened next shocked me the most. He realized his lip was bleeding so he calmly sat down picked up the phone and called 911. He then hung up when they answered. Well they called back and he told them all was fine and not to come, which, I was actually ok with seeing as he had seemed to realize how out of control he had been and was calmed down. Quite embarrassing if police were to arrive in a remote cabin resort. For the next 30 minutes he sat calmly, apologizing for his behavior etc.etc ….but then 2 officers showed up at the cabin.

    I spoke to one officer outside while he spoke to one inside and eventually the officers advised they would be taking him to a hotel in town for the night just to ensure everyone’s safety and give a ‘cool off period’. I could understand that and was somewhat releived to have some space to process everything.

    That was it I thought. He called next day, still apologizing, asked me to pick him up, which I did, drove back to cabin so he could repair the damage and we drove home. Sorry I’m making this a long story…just haven’t ever fully told it…as I never even told freinds I started seeing him again because of the embarrassment. NOONE liked him …I knew why and fully agreed but why did I bite again?

    Next morning I get a call from police advising that he is pursuing assault charges against me. He apparently told all kinds of lies about me to police that night and to my utter shock was informed that in fact he had contacted police about me several times in the past trying to persue various charges without my knowledge. Obviously his allegations were unfounded as I had never even been contacted by authorities but I just could not beleive all this was happening…I had just received a text minutes before the police call saying how much he’loves me’ and when am I going to see him.

    Luckily for me, I had streams of saved texts and also many voicemails (after I advised him I was aware of his assault charges) of him blackmailing me that if I did not return his calls he would continue persuing charges. It took many frustrating months and a significant legal bill as I did get a lawyer to fight this for me thank goodness. Fact is, I did admit to hitting him that night. He never did hit me. He ended up sinking himself with all of his erratic texts and threatening/vulgar messages. I was never charged but it took that long for the police to get their report to the DA for decision if charges should be laid.

    I feel horrible for the true victims…it’s enough to have to try and explain to people what’s gone on to their personal world..but explaining to the legal world is a whole different ball game. Evidence is your only ace otherwise their lies win the hand.

    I know my story is MILD in comparrison to the ones I’ve heard through all of you my hat goes off to those coming out and my heart goes out to those going through.

    Thanks all for being here!

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 1:21am

25. OxDrover says:

    Dear Wiserandhealing,

    I don’t think your story isn’t “mild” at all. Having false charges pressed against you for defending yourself against his attack is not exactly mild. To say nothing of the frustration and the legal bills.

    I hope that after this you can stay NC with him. I tried to just see my mother “on business” but the last time I did it turned into a brouhaha and I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and so now I handle business through my sons and don’t do a face to face with her at all. I may some day, but not now, and I am doing so much better. I don’t have to prove that I can see her or talk to her and not get upset. I have taken back my power by enforcing NC. It is the only power I have. I don’t want any more lies, any more outbursts, any more nasty conversations or accusations.

    My dear you WERE a “true victim”—but now you are a VICTOR! Good for you for saving his threats as evidence. SMART WOMAN! Don’t beat yourself up any more. I went back for more abuse from my son for over 20 years until I finally “got it” that he is a P and will never get better. The thing that is important is not how many times you went back, but that you got out ONE MORE TIME THAN YOU WENT BACK. ((((hugs)))))

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 1:52am

26. wiserandhealing says:

    Dear Ox,

    Thank you for being here….and thank you for your kind words. You really are amazing and a true inspiration for the human spirit!!
    Please…don’t ever..well I know you aren’t now…but be ashamed or embarrassed of ‘going back for more abuse’ from your son. We all have had hard pills to swallow but you were faced with swallowing a volleyball….there is nothing bigger than that and I know you have done it. Not only did you ingest this you have been digesting this…which I can only imagine how every cell in your being has one by one been transforming itself into adaptation and acceptance. Kind of like an organ transplant I would say. You are powerful!

    As much as I’d love to say that after that incident last year, it was the end for contact… but…I, embarrasingly, went back again….EVEN after all of that. 3x’s to be exact. Each time, I knew it was irrational, knew it was hopeless and MOST of all, I truly realized it was dangerous. I am a psychiatric nurse…I can’t tell you how often I questioned whether I should be certified ! Not to mention lose my license with his litigious nature!

    It’s such an isolating experience because you know how crazy it is and appears. I couldn’t understand why all my logic went out the window with this guy…didn’t make sense. I read every book ever written on sociopathy…even read ‘The Betrayal Bond”….which is very good. I knew exactly who and what I was dealing with and even somewhat knew why I may be so hung up. I analyzed me, him, ‘them’ to death but still found him so twistedly irresistable even knowing what he was.
    In my self introspection I even questioned if perhaps I’m actually maybe the narcissist… why else would my feelings outweigh the logic…perhaps it’s all about me and how I feel …I only see the dream ‘I’ want to see….not the nightmare it actually was. I mean…how does one explain it…what kind of person puts themselves at risk over and over again….yes, I always did expect to be burned but kept up this ridiculous hope that I was wrong and burners were of the past! And, well, in my defence, I do have to say, that he was EXCEPTIONALLY good at portraying ‘my dream’ which did keep his hook in but really…really….if a person puts their hand on a hot burner once…do they do it again? and again and again? Self induced I may remind!!! Ya, if they’re numb!

    The attempted charge was just ‘1′ of many burns….I felt them all. People would most certainly think there is a serious problem with me if they knew all of the craziness.

    EMBARRASSING!

    I must say as I do always try to think big picture (beleive it or not) and…I’m not using this as an excuse …but my spirituality has always played a part in this as well which has also been why it’s been soooo difficult to look away. He knew that and played with it right from the start as well.

    I’ve always beleived in the ‘Collective Unconscience’ and us all being part of the same and everything happening for reasons in order to grow etc. etc…so this experience has challenged my beliefs undescribably. What was this supposed to teach me….not to believe my beliefs? Maybe we met so I could releive him of evil? Maybe I was here to save? Perhaps I was Hitler in my last life?

    Well, I am slowly and surely becoming even more confident in those beleifs as the time passes and each ’session’ with him is endured. I truly never experienced this type of evil, nor was I aware how rampid it actually is out there… 1/100 people!!!! Even being a psych nurse and having worked in Forensics and in prisons..I knew the criteria for ASPD and dealt with many but never fully understood the depths of these minds…obviously from lack of intense personal experience. The people in jail are probably ONLY 20% ….AND, most aren’t the emotional rapists.

    Anyway, I guess I’ve been lucky to only have encountered what I have so far.

    I can at least say now that for some reason or another it has been necessary for me to continually burn myself on that burner. This is a process and I am learning…painfully albeit, but it is still consistant with my beliefs and I certainly learning more about me than I probably would have otherwise.

    I still don’t know all the ‘why’s’ and that’s probably the biggest thing I truly have learned. That question is the soundtrack to my life and I’ve never taken an intermission. I LOVE getting that answered but have never learned to love it not being answered’.

    Why are these people the way they are? I have to learn to love the fact that I don’t or at least shouldn’t care. I just need to love the way ‘I’ am.!!!

    Thanks for letting me rant! …

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 3:59am

27. blondie says:

    i just want to say that i realized, today when i woke up i didt think about him. my life is starting to feel normal. im starting to feel normal again. im getting used to the fact that he is not in my life anymore and its beginning to feel normal and ok. im happy i left that realtionship. im in a better place now. doest mean it doest hurt anyless. im just glad i dont have to deal with him and the drama and the choas everyday of my life.

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 4:35pm

28. Beverly says:

    Hey, Well done Blondie. You sound so much better and you realised that the sun is shining. Its just really nice to get back to a normal life isnt it, without the chaos and hurt.

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 4:38pm

29. blondie says:

    yes it is and to be around people who really do care about you, and to see people that missed you while we were gone.

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 4:40pm

30. Beverly says:

    Yea, Blondie, if we learnt anything from all of this, its to avoid people who make us feel bad, exploit us, or dont care about us.

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 4:49pm

31. OxDrover says:

    Dear Wiserandhealing,

    Sometimes I think those of us that have worked in psych are the biggest victims. Aloha, one of the regulars here calls it “informed denial”—boy, doesn’t that SUM us up!

    I realized that my own DENIAL was what made it so hard. Denial, if that is your favorite way to “cope” is a terrible thing. Sort term, denial is a protecing state, but long term it is freaking TOXIC. I had been trained from childhood to “let’s just pretend it never happened” (toxic denial of reality) but it was only when my whole entire complete (how is that for reduncency?) world came crashing down around my head that I HAD TO DO SOMETHING, and that something was to “get the heck out of Dodge.” It saved my life.

    I also had to examine my own spirituality and realize that what I had been “force fed” was NOT TRUE, that I didn’t have to “forgive AND FORGET”—what I had to do was to get the bitterness toward them out of my heart (for MY sake) and that NC was perfectly acceptable and still be within my own spiritual comfort. (I wrote an article a couple of weeks ago, it is on the blog) I am comfortable now with my own ability to “forgive” (get the bitterness out) of my heart for my son, the X BF, my P-bio father, etc. but am still having to work on completely getting the bitterenss out of my heart for my mother’s abuse—he insistence that my pain didn’t matter, and that all we had to do to fix it was “just pretend it didn’t happen.” I realize that NO ONE who really loved me would NOT care about my pain, or what they had done to me. I realize that my mother is so twisted up in maintaining her own DENIAL that what it does to me, or how it hurts me or the family, it is too important to her to let go of it. She’s 79 so there isn’t any way I can even hope that there will ever be a reconciliation with her. Even if she was 49 there probably wouldn’t ever be. It is just who she is. Just as my P-son is who he is, a clone of my P-bio father.

    The thing that made me ashamed of how I acted, was that in my own “informed denial” when I was working in the family practice clinics in rural settings, and I was doing pro bono exams and treatment for the women and children at the DV shelter, and when the history came out and I saw that these women had gone back and back and back, I FELT SUPERIOR TO THEM. I would never have let a man beat me repeatedly. (and I wouldn’t have) but what got me later, was I realized that I DIDN’T LET A MAN DO IT, BUT I DID LET MY SON DO IT. What is the difference between letting your husband beat you and abuse you and going back, and letting your son beat and abuse you and going back? NONE.

    I was ashamed of my own ARROGANCE in thinking I was superior to these poor women, when I was doing the same thing. Sort of the “get the beam out of your own eye, before you try to take the splinter out of your neighbors’ eye”

    I KNEW ABOUT PSYCHOPATHS and yet I still denied the acceptence of the truth of my son’s psychopathic PD. I wanted so badly for him to come home and be “normal” that even though there were not just red flags, but RED BANNERS waving, and I chose to ignore them. I could h ave saved myself and my family a lot of grief if I had let go a long time sooner. However, this was a lesson that I needed to learn and I had to repeat the “class” until I learned it. I think I have learned it now. Gosh I hope so.

    I realize I AM STRONG and I will use that strength to do what is RIGHT rather than follow my own “desires” to do what I know is wrong. Just like if I saw a Brink’s truck driver drop a big bag of money and start to drive off, I can tell you I would be TEMPTED to keep it, but I know that I would NOT KEEP IT.

    It has been a while since I have been even tempted to call or write any of the Ps, or to have any contact with them, but if the temptation were there I would use WHATEVER STRENGTH to NOT GO BACK. A while back I was somewhat tempted to write to the Trojan HOrse P and tell him that I was the one that got his parole canceled (he has no way of knowing that) but I restrained myself, it would have felt good fo ra little while, but ultimately it was just poking the caged lion with a stick—not a good idea. I can’t say I’m not tempted because I WOULD so like him to know I “got him back” and I “got justice”—but I’m getting healthy enough that I will restrain myself from doing what I know is not a good idea.

    I hope that you will draw on your own strength to stay away from this man. YOU CAN DO IT. I won’t promise it will be easy, but your life may be at stake. These people are like rattle snakes, and no matter how much you love them, or pet them or how good to them you are, they will NOT GROW HAIR AND LOVE YOU BACK LIKE A PUPPY—they will BITE YOU. They will poison you.

    I know it is difficult to be on the “wrong side of the clipboard” but I made that decision too, to get psych help and counseling. It helped me to stay strong, to do what I know is right, NC. The fact that I had gone NC many times before but never maintained it told me that there was something in me that was “getting something” out of doing what I knew was wrong—so I took the bull by the horns and found out what was wrong with ME that made me allow this kind of abuse.

    I had no boundaries. I didn’t have the self confidence I needed, and I felt as if I had to “make everyone happy” at my own expense. NO MORE. I do not deserve to be treated badly, and I cannot fix the person who doesn’t want to be fixed. Now I am learning to set good boundaries and to enforce them. FOR ME.

    Gather your strength and stay NC with this man, for your sake. You don’t deserve to be treated this way, and your safety at risk. ((((hugs))))

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 5:08pm

32. henry says:

    hello Gang!!! Just stopping in too chat for a bit. My internet was finally diconnected last evening. It’s strange how empty my house was. I will never regret finding lovefraud. But it has given me a feeling of peace. It cut that (direct line) with him. I changed phone numbers, changed lock’s and disconnected internet. My therapist wanted to know why I didn’t just change email address. I could of done that, but this is going to make me face myself and my own company. I think I made a good choice. There is a little red lite on my modem, it say’s (stick that up your ass MIKE) lol another attempt at humour.. Wiserandhealing - I read your post and relate with you so much in wanting to give your (dream) one more chance and then another and another. That dream illusion is a bitch to get over and it is so unfair to have to constantly fight a ghost that we are in love with. My therapist asked if I was strong enuff to resist him if he tried to see me again. My brain is but my stupid heart would prolly jump at the chance. But I don’t want to relive all that pain ever ever again. And if I let him back I know the final outcome would be more of the same. I don’t want to hear anymore of his lie’s. I don’t want him to make me feel responsible for the relationship not working. He was very good at that, some folk’s call it “gaslighting), he truly did send me over the brink of insanity. But I am sure he will never never ever attempt to try to see me again and that hurt’s as well… They same time will heal all wound’s…hurry up time!!! I am waiting…..Blondie I am so proud for you…keep it up….

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 5:44pm

33. Beverly says:

    Hiya - Henry is in the house!! How you doing? OK?

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 5:47pm

34. henry says:

    Hiya - Beverly Oh I am still stressin but all in all I am better thank you very much and how is my friend doing?

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 5:56pm

35. OxDrover says:

    Dear Henry,

    Glad to see you BRo! I knew you couldn’t stay away long, but I do repect your choice, even if it means I can’t bonk you over the head with my skillet quite as often! LOL (((Big Hugs))))

    I’m glad you took all the other measures for NC as well. It makes us feel a bit safer at least.

    POured rain here yesterday and last night 4-6 inches at least, everything is boggy. My little 8 x 8 raised bed garden got the rain and said “thanks”!

    Been a good week here, and my son C is coming home this weekend and that’s exciting for me.

    Whew! Just got up and ran to the door, it sounded like a LOT OF GUNFIRE, but it was some old truck on the county road back firing! Still makes me jump though. “Just cause you’re paranoid doesn’t mean no one is out to get you! ” LOL

    Henry, wanna make a bet about your X? I bettya as soon as the current guy kicks him to the curb he will come knocking on your door with a big pity party about how he should have known you were his true love. BE PREPARED, jerks like him that don’t have a “pot or a window” (you know what that means) always go back to former “friends” and victims to try to find a place to lay their heads—he is such a loser and has less than nothing so he will be back out on the street again, with his cardboard boxes of “possessions,” trust me! And, as far as I am concerned “good enough for them!” When their looks and attractions go they end up in wino shelters like the “Union Rescue Mission” worn out, drugged out, and used up, and no one on the face of the earth that cares if they live or die. Sad that any human would end up like that, but “you reap what you sow” and he sure didn’t “sow love” and caring. (((big hugs Bro)

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 6:07pm

36. henry says:

    Donna forgive me but I got to tell this new song Perfectly Clear by Jewel The doorway frames you / a picture perfect silhouette / blue sky of regret / enough to hang you / your legs seem to tremble / at least I imagine that they do / then again, it’s probably easy for you / please don’t open your mouth my dear / I can read all the signs / I can take it from here / there’s no need to explain / it’s perfectly clear / the yellow wall paper peels / it makes a strange halo around your head / it’s funny how I notice / these stupid things instead / you say something awkward / but i wish that you wouldn’t / a whole life of you wish you coulds / but just couldn’ts/ I try not to think to much / It only just makes me mad / spent half my life loving you / think of all the love that I could of had / five years worth of kisses / are packed in your bags / in this tiny moment fits / all the big things we ever had / and I can’t quite pinpoint / when it left or what for / love always steps lightly / away from the door / no need to explain / because it’s perfectly clear ‘

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 6:13pm

37. henry says:

    hiya Oxy we have been getting lot’s of rain here and cooler weather as well. it is good to have a chance to check in at lovefraud and read and comment. the new song is my latest get the pain and tears out song / I was hooked on whitney houstons It hurst so much lol is that improvement? yall take care i got to go home my children are waiting (doggies)

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 6:18pm

38. OxDrover says:

    Hey, Henry, great song! Come back soon! Love, Oxy

    Thursday, 21 August 2008 @ 6:23pm

39. wiserandhealing says:

    Thanks Oxy. Your strength is infectuous.

    Henry, great song! I’ll be picking that up this weekend.

    Cheers everyone

    Friday, 22 August 2008 @ 8:00pm

40. Sasha says:

    Domestic Violence is much more involved than the physical violence. While the physical violence is what one is protected from in the courts and by the police, this judge surely does not understand that domestic violence is about power and control of another using physical, emotional, verbal, psychological and sexual abuse to obtain and maintain this control. The Nation is trying to end domestic violence before it reaches the physical realm, as at that time the relationship and situation becomes one of serious bodily harm and an even higher occurrence of death when trying to leave. For a victim of domestic violence to show up in court generally means that the victim has run out of options of obtaining help or any control of their life. They are now at a point where outside help has to step in or there is a very high risk that the individual will be killed when trying to leave the relationship. The batterer is not normally mentally impaired or mentally ill but has mastered ways of gaining power and control over another using various means. Domestic Violence is an intentional act by another and there are no excuses for it. The batterer normally has no empathy, no moral conscious and normally believes the victim to be the reason for the domestic violence, so believes the violence is justified. Education on domestic violence should be given to every judge, lawyer and the police to try and understand what they are dealing with. It is far greater than just the physical aspect. There will always be those that may try to manipulate a system but there are so many more that are not and are at a point where their life and physical safety are at risk. These are victims, now known as survivors who did not cause the domestic violence but are trying their best to protect themselves from it and be able to have any kind of life afterwards.

    In my case the police, the lawyers and the courts allowed the protective order. Even though I had no broken bones, black eyes or serious permanent damage it was realized that they had to step in or accept the fact that they would allow another to walk down the path of being permanently physically harmed or killed in the process of trying to leave the relationship. The grounds were false imprisonment and physical threats used continuously to keep me from leaving the home in even trying to go to work. There was restraining, tackling, threats to the animals and the threat of broken bones, and the all invasive pulled back fist. This is the same as a gun cocked back as told to me, knowing the shot will be fired if the gun is not removed. In my case the pulled back fist was within days of causing permanent damage. I do believe if his fist had been released he would have been unable to stop after the first punch. So yes in my case the courts, police and attorneys have protected me but there are so many more that must first have the broken bones, the massive bruises and the attempted murders before the courts truly realize what they are dealing with.

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 4:32am

41. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Blondie.. I’m so glad you’re feeling more normal. I have had quite a few days lately where I felt really normal and happy, not every day, but I’m getting there.

    Wiser.. you speak for me too. I have my strong days, my weak days, the days I am so obsessed or even contact him, and the days I can’t understand what I ever saw in him in the first place.

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 8:59am

42. lostingrief says:

    kat: i too, am faltering and strengthening and faltering again. i called his cell phone (blocked the number) just to hear if he was in an ‘angry’ mood or a ‘loving’ mood. sounded like angry to me! at least i’m not responsible THIS time!!!
    i hate my obsession with his life; who is he with now, what fun is he having (he sure lives life fully), etc etc ad nauseum.
    we saw what everyone else saw; a very finely crafted false self that has everyone (not only us) duped.
    let’s move on together … as sisters …
    TOWANDA!!!!

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 1:24pm

43. OxDrover says:

    Dear lostingrief,

    I know that you “hate my obscession with his wife” but it is NOT UNCONTROLABLE. You CAN control the urges and impulses you have to “call his cell phone”—It won’t be easy, but when you feel the urge, come here instead, and scream or cry or vent, but DON’T ALLOW YOURSELF TO ENGAGE IN THIS DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR. Destructive to YOU, not to him.

    TAKE CONTROL of yourself. As long as you give in to these urges, HE IS STILL IN CONTROL OF YOU—your mind and your behavior. YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, but not until you are willing to. As long as you are unwilling to take YOUR CONTROL BACK, HE STILL HAS THE REINS IN HIS HAND.

    Hun, I do know how hard it is to STOP this behavior, I think we probably all do, but we can’t do it for you, only advise you to. Every time you give in to the urge, you set YOURSELF BACK a step—you HURT YOURSELF. ((((HUGS))))))

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 1:46pm

44. alohatraveler says:

    Dear Henry,

    I believe you are strong enough now.

    A friend of mind went through her own Bad Man experience. Just when I thought she was NC, she admitted later that she had gone skiing with him again and of course, it went bad.

    I said, “Well, sometimes we have to get one more punch just to be sure we really don’t like that anymore.”

    Yep. Did that.

    To anyone wondering if “this time” things will be different, I ask, were things different on the last “this time”? If they weren’t, there is your answer.

    I heard many “I learned so much while we were apart” and “I only have to make mistakes once… I learn” but he never did hold it together for more than a few days… and the feeling of impending doom was terrible.

    It was like the denial of the people on the Titanic. If you want to learn about denial, watch that movie again. The feeling of dread I felt while watching it… getting back with Bad Man was always like that.

    He’s so far away now!

    I am so happy without him!

    XO Aloha

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 6:12pm

45. henry says:

    aloha oxy and all of you. Yes I am stronger and wiser. Not lost in that bottomless abyss. It has been a struggle, continue’s to be so. I now know what happened. It was a text book case of encountering a sociopath. I needed validation more than anything. I even at time’s wondered if maybe I was a sociopath or a borderline. My therapist and physciatrist have assured me I am not. And they have validated me in my diagnosis of him. But regardless of what label I put on him or myself he is a very sick person. There is no easy painless way to deal with this. I still at time’s falter and miss the [man of my dreams]. When someone comes into your very own little world and want’s everything you want. When they become so much a part of our everyday exsistence, it fill’s that big empty void we have. Fill’s it with lie’s and deception and destroy’s that little world we were so safe in. It’s hard to let go of that. It’s hard to face the truth that we were targeted by something evil. But we must face that truth. And return to ourselve’s what they took away. It take’s alot out of us. But we find strength we never knew we had. Strength and character and goodness. The very thing’s they stole from us. But when they leave they can’t take these quality’s with them. They look for someone new to steal from, for awhile……..

    Wednesday, 27 August 2008 @ 9:17pm

46. takingmeback says:

    Oxy,

    How was the visit with your son? I was thinking about you last weekend and hoping you were having a blast! Missing our Oxy but happy knowing you were spending time with someone you love you dearly.

    Oh, and I read your post with the analogy about the hurt little dog. Yes, woman! Yes! I am so glad to read that you get it! You, yourself, mentioned Frankly (I believe) who said that there’s no normal response to abnormal behavior. No there isn’t. Getting hung up on our reactions to abuse does no good. We reacted and behaved the way we did for a reason. Just like a wounded animal reacts out of fear and bites or puts up a fight when being helped. Feeling badly for our reactions deters us from focusing on what was behind it in the first place. No one likes to see themselves behaving in ways that are not normal for them. But there’s a reason for that behavior and those reactions and me thinks you see it now.

    God bless you :))

    Henry,

    Welcome back! Read that your internet is up and running again. Yay! I was scanning the posts and ran into a few of yours. Wow. You rock! Great to hear you taking your power back! You are spewing wisdom my friend. Looks like we didn’t need Oxy’s iron skillet after all :))

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 12:10am

47. henry says:

    thanks takingmeback - does this mean I have to find a new place to blog? I was a slow learner and I just wish some of you would take that plunge and change that phone number…..it kick’s your ass in gear…take charge…make change…..I changed my numbers four months ago .. it was a slap in his face….and the beginning of my healing….

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 12:32am

48. OxDrover says:

    Dear Takingmeback,

    Didn’t get to spend much time with him (I was also staying with a friend who had just had surgery and his wife had to go out of town on a job) but what time I did get to spend with him was QUALITY time and he and his brother D also got to spend some quality time together too without me around. (I didn’t get to HOG ALL his time this trip LOL).

    I’m glad to be home, though I actualy did enjoy the time I spent with my friend.

    Henry, my dear Bro, I can’t believe you got your internet up and running again–you are sooooo “wishy washy” it is terrible–but I KNOW it is because you MISSED ME AND MY SKILLET! LOL Did you hear Kat has a ROLLING PIN? She threatened me today with it—OH, I FELT SO SPECIAL! LOL

    Well, I need to get some shut eye too, got a big day of stuff to do tomorrow, so can’t stay up all night with you guys! Nite nite–don’t let the “space bugs bite” (I just finished watching all the episodes of Fire Fly and Serenity, the movie).

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 12:47am

49. takingmeback says:

    Henry,

    LOL No, you don’t need to find a new place to blog. You are such an asset to all of us! And you’re not a slow learner LOL. It takes time to get to where you are. You went through the pain and you got stronger. Now you have some gumption (sp?) to fight whatever lies ahead of you. You built muscles in those 4 months! What an awesome thing to share your experience with others and to tell them they’ll get there in time! I read your post about changing locks and all. GREAT advice. I did the same thing and didn’t even think to tell others about all that. It’s very important. See we need ya Henry! You’ve got insight and lovely pearls of wisdom to share!!!

    Oxy,

    I’m glad you had some quality time with your son and had a chance to get away and spend time with a friend. Thanks for your support with that last trigger. I’m racking up the bills for my therapy LOL. You’re making some goooood money LOL!

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 7:00am

50. henry says:

    oxy yes I am wishy washy, I am gay remember? I felt like I was letting (him) win by getting off the internet. But I did change account’s screennames etc. Have made alot of permanant changes in my life concerning (him). I have recovered from the shock of what happened, have accepted the truth. Does not mean that I am healed. I still long for a relationship similar to the one with a sociopath. Someone that need’s me, want’s me, love’s me and want to share life and love and sex with me. Yes I am wishy washy but still a lonely vulnerable man. Life suck’s sometime’s. Especially when I think everybody that say’s hello is out to get what ever they can. Where does a 54 year old redneck gay country guy find a mate? Not on the internet. Not in a gay bar. So yeah I am lonely for companionship. Stronger. smarter. wiser. But still human…

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 10:14am

51. OxDrover says:

    Dear Henry,

    Nah, it doesn’t mean “you are healed”—healing is a JOURNEY not a destination. But you ARE DEFINITELY ON THE RIGHT ROAD! (high five!)

    Wanting a companion/lover/friend/etc is NORMAL, Henry, I would also love to have a companion/lover/friend but at the same time, I am no longer (I think) vulnerable to that NEED/DESIRE. I am satisfied myself, with myself.

    So you think a 54 yr old, redneck, gay country guy has trouble finding a mate? Sheesh–you oughta be a 61 yr old, educated redneck woman who isn’t as “smart as she thinks she is cause 50 pounds of her didn’t even go to HIGH SCHOOL” and now, try to find a mate for her!!!!

    Funny thing though, I saw a movie the other night (can’t remember the name of it) and this woman about my age and looks was a bartender and after hours she was sitting having a drink with her friend, a middle aged guy who was a rescue diver, and they were talking about life and she said something to the point that she “wasn’t ashamed of the wrinkles, she had earned them LIVING IN THE SUN, and the laugh lines she had earned by laughing uproaresly, and she had drank and smoked, and screwed, and loved and fought, and was gonna go out having lived life to the fullest”

    I thought about what she said and her attitude about it all. You know what, Henry, my life has been freeking AMAZING. I have done so many things that few people have had the opportunity or the guts to accomplish. My age spots on my face were baked in by the equatorial African sun while I watched wildlife so close I could have reached out and touched it. My creeking ankles, knees and joints are because I rode rodeo with some of the best. I learned to fly an airplane when I was 17 and it was the most sprititual experience I have ever had, it was like there was no one in the world except me and God. I have loved, and I mean LOVED, and I have nurtured my children, I have delivered a baby, and been there to watch baby chicks break the egg and emerge.

    I have done really stupid things and lived to laugh about it. I have encountered psychopaths and lived to tell about it and to cry and later laugh and thank my God that He was there protecting me when I didn’t have sense enough.

    I have seen SATAN up really close and personal, and I have also seen the face of God, not in some “burning bush” on a mountain, but in the faces of people who are caring and kind and giving and loving, and in the bright smiles of little children who know no guile, and in the morning sunshine, and the evening cool, and in flowers and leaves and in all creation.

    I am a sentimental old bat that cries at old black and white Lassie re-runs, and cries for Old Yeller, and for Bambi when his mother gets killed, but can stand strong and load the gun and pull the trigger without flinching when an animal I love needs to be put down, and THEN lay on the ground crying, hugging their still warm body. I go to the butcher with my beef cows, and stand and talk to them, reassuring, so they won’t be frightened as their time comes.

    Nah, Henry, neither of us has reached “healing” cause we are still breathing, but we are on the RIGHT ROAD, and you know what—we’ve earned our wrinkles, we’ve earned our creaky joints, and we’ve learned how to LOVE and BE LOVED, and we’ll get through this life with honor and grace from here on in, knowing our own worth, celebrating life and ourselves and we don’t need anyone to make us COMPLETE. We ARE complete, and if (as I hope) we both find someone to SHARE that completeness with, that wil only be frosting on the cake!

    CELEBRATE THE MOMENT!!!!

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 12:44pm

52. Beverly says:

    Same here Henry. They kind of left a gap - didnt they? I am trying to fill mine with friends, and other plans - not quite the ideal, but it will do for the moment. Hope you are alright Henry. Im much in the same boat too.

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 4:27pm

53. OxDrover says:

    PS Henry,

    BTW I said “wishy washy” not SWISHY! LOL

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 5:21pm

54. henry says:

    Oxy I have had a very good life, I count my blessing’s every day. There are billion’s of people with worse problem’s than my own. I am very blessed. Beverly - we have learned alot about ourselve’s and personality disorder’s. With all the knowledge and understanding we have acquired. Even knowing (he) was not real, only an illusion. I bet you would agree with me, we are still left with a broken heart and a longing for what we thought was………..when that pain stops then I will be healed.

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 6:57pm

55. OxDrover says:

    Dear Henry,

    The pain WILL stop, I promise you! When? I’m not sure. If that is the definition of “healed”—I’m not sure, but it sure beats the heck out of PAIN 24/7—with or without them.

    I thought the pain of my divorce (I wasn’t the one that wanted it) would never quit, and one day I was wrestling with the kids out in the yard and we were playing with the water hose, rollig on the ground trying to shove the hose down each other’s shirts, laughing like crazy people, muddy, wet, and having a blast—and right in the middle of that “water fight” I stopped and pulled up short—I REALIZED I WAS HAPPY AND NOT IN PAIN. Just like that. It went away, crept away so silently that I didn’t even notice that it was GONE and happiness crept in just as silently and was THERE.

    Most of the time I am happy now, I don’t GRIEVE and cry for what I lost, my son, my mother, etc. but I do have some angry times about my mom, but those are less and less, in fact, becoming more rare the longer NC goes on (no NEW injuries to deal with and trigger the old pain) NC ROCKS!!!!!

    Does that mean I’m “healed”? I’m not sure, but I’m happy, and I’m not in PAIN now, don’t have everything in the world I’d LIKE but have everything I NEED, PLUS SOME, starting to love myself, learn to set boundaries without obscessing. Not being as “mean to” me, giving myself a break once in a while, not to be perfect any more. HAA HAA like I ever was! LOL

    I don’t see myself “stopping” at any point and saing “I’m healed, I can’t get any better”—I think I will always want to “improve” on my thoughts, my philosophy, my relationships, and just continue to GROW. So for ME, it is a journey that will end when I do. I’m no longer “bleeding” emotions, or pain, or grief, but I am also not the same person I was 5 years ago before my husband’s death—frankly I think I am the NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION, and I just intend to get BETTER.

    Thursday, 28 August 2008 @ 8:32pm

56. ThePeregrine says:

    Good article, and it points out only some of the problems with domestic violence laws and the way they are used to punish people without proving any wrongdoing. I know. I’m one of those people, and didn’t know I was with a sociopath until it was too late (which I think is often the case, especially with borderline personality disorder).

    In the article’s summary of New Jersey’s law, I notice some interesting phrasing:
    # If there are any signs of physical injuries the police must arrest the abuser.
    # Police may also arrest the abuser without witnesses or signs of physical injuries.

    In traditional legal terms, this should refer to the “alleged abuser.” Otherwise, the police are determining guilt on the spot. I wonder if the NJ law is written that way, or if Ms. Andersen paraphrased?

    The presence or absence of the word “allegation” can be critically important. Without it, what is the purpose of investigation and why should police bother? False allegations and denial of due process are major problems with current federal and state laws related to domestic violence. These problems and some suggested solutions are concisely detailed at aavreform.org …

    Denying the sociopath a place in our lives requires us to set and keep appropriate boundaries. For the protection of all citizens, it’s very important that our laws do the same. If we fail to reform our domestic violence laws, many families are going to be destroyed and we are all going to regret it very soon.

    I hope all Americans can work together to resolve this, and I wish you all peace in your hearts and in your homes.

    Wednesday, 24 September 2008 @ 11:38am

57. Donna Andersen says:

    The information in the article is paraphrased from the complete statute, which can be read here:

    http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/family/fam-06.htm

    I should have used the word “alleged.” My mistake.

    Wednesday, 24 September 2008 @ 5:00pm

58. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    I am convinced I’m healing at least about the ex.. but I am now dealing with a lot of other stuff that is causing me extreme fear and anxiety. I am grateful for what I have, but I am suffering from this strangling fear that it’s all going to be taken away from me. I was homeless with my kids for a little while two years ago.. I am having a really hard time getting over it.. I’m really scared it’s going to happen again.

    Wednesday, 24 September 2008 @ 8:09pm

59. OxDrover says:

    Dear Kat,

    you know I think that is part of our healing process, is that once we start getting over the P-thingie, we start bringing up past issues that we haven’t completely dealt with, at least I know that seems to be what happened with me, and you know it is painful, but at the same time I think it is a GOOD thing and shows that we are getting BETTER not just “getting over” it. I think most if not all of us have some old issues that make us good targets for the Ps, and once we have healed or mostly healed from the Ps’ damage, going back and cleaning up that previous stuff is a GOOD thing, makes us stronger.

    I think that haivng a fear about security and having a home, especially if in the past you haven’t had one for a while, then it would be odd for you NOT to have some fears about that.

    Dealing with REALISTIC FEARS in a REALISTIC manner is a good thing. Looking at what is real, then deciding how to handle it rationally is an adult thing to do. I lived on the edge of ultimate poverty the entire time I went to college after my divorce, there were times I wondered where next week’s groceries would come from. It took it one day at a time. I made a plan and stuck to it—one day at a time and eventually got through with my degree and pulled myself up.

    The “trick” (if you want to call it that) is to not let the FEAR overcome you where you panic. Just recognize that there are things that you have to put on the front burner and make prorities, managing your money, and include the kids in that too, it is a great way for them to learn what money is, and how to manage it to get the things that they need and want.

    Hang in there Kat, you’re doing better than you might think, I’ve seen the growth over the last few months (can’t remember how “long” by days, weeks, months, etc.) I’m proud of your progress, your openess and how you are recognizing what’s going on with yourself! (((hugs))))

    Wednesday, 24 September 2008 @ 10:39pm

60. henry says:

    Kat I am happy to hear you say you are convinced you are getting over the X P… Yes so am I - maybe not getting over it but getting past it- and now we look at everything differently because we know if we let our gaurd down we might lose everything again…

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 12:36am

61. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    I really wuv you guyz.

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 4:44am

62. kat_o_nine_tales says:

    Henry I have this internet buddy…….yeah I know.. I can’t help thinking of you every time I talk to him.. so sweet, so cowboy, so gay

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 4:46am

63. Iwonder says:

    Henry: What are you thinking about…finding someone else is not going to be the solution to happiness. How long has it been since your ex has been away? It takes time. Obviously, you are not ready yet to jump into something else anyway so why don’t you use time to do something to take your mind off the hurts? I know it sucks. When my ex walked out (well, i kicked him out) of my life it felt like someone died. The first two months I stayed in bed all day on weekends…smoking cigarettes and crying. I let it all out. I cried at my desk at work. The 3rd month, I started feeling better. I got my hair cut, manicure, dropped a fortune at Macys for new clothes, sold one of the cars (one was his,) started paying my bills again because I let everything go, started studying again for my school exam that was blown off because of the trauma.

    I’m into month 4. Joined a gym last night with my cousin. At the gym I ran into an old co-worker I hadn’t seen in 3 yrs. So nice to get out and talk to people again and reconnect with family. I’m still battling the ex S to sign over the deed to my condo. I am so strong now that I called the prosecutor and a detective is going to help me. Things are looking brighter.

    I couldn’t even imagine dating someone seriously right now. What I did was put myself on a dating website. . just to get out to feel normal again. I went on 2 dates with 2 different guys in the past 4 months. I did not feel right with either of them. But it got me out of the house and it helps me test the waters. I’ll know when I’m ready for a serious relationship again.

    I was thinking about why none of my relationships work out. Thinking I need to stop being a rescuer…such a giver…such a sucker. Also, spirituality wise, none of our relationships will be right unless they are blessed by God. God does not bless relationships where one party enters into it with the motivation of one of the deadly sins involved (lust, greed, sloth, vanity, etc.) Think about it. Think what motivates us to hook up with someone. Think about why the other person wants to hook up with us. Look at the other person’s motivations.

    Next time I feel like I want a serious relationship, I will ask WHY. WHY do you want to be in a serious relationship with me? Because I look good (lust?) Because I have money (greed,) and you want someone to take care of you (sloth), etc.

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 8:58am

64. Iwonder says:

    Henry:

    PS: Next time I do get seriously involved with someone else, I will do a background check and criminal check too.

    Henry, I may never meet anyone again or someone right for me. I have decided though, if I can’t meet someone whose motivations are true as I mentioned in my last paragraph last blog, I will be alone. Period. I’d rather be happy alone than stressed out made ill by someone who doesn’t give a shit in the wind about me.

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 9:06am

65. Wini says:

    Wow Iwonder, I read what you wrote to our Henry, you get it?

    Peace.

    Thursday, 25 September 2008 @ 9:28am

66. OxDrover says:

    Dear Iwonder!!!!

    TOWANDA!!! GF!!! RIGHT ON!!!!

    Henry, I just got an idea, a “brain fart” if you will. I think part of your loneliness is just living in the house “alone”–why don’t you see if you can’t find a FEMALE room mate (that way there won’t be any problems with it developing into anything romantic) And I can tell you, my son D is a GREAT COMFORT to have here, just another living soul with some of the same goals that I have. He is the best roommate I have ever had. He doens’t get in my space, we live in different ends of the house really, we don’t intrude on each other’s space and we are great FRIENDS.

    He was gone for 8 months a couple of years ago off on a job, and it felt strange here by myself. I realized it was the first time in 40 years I had lived totally alone—no husband, no kids, no roommates. I rattled around like a BB in a boxcar for a couple of months until I got used to it and adjusted.

    But I realize now, looking back