Guidelines for posting comments on the Lovefraud Blog
PDF In the three years since Lovefraud launched, it’s grown from a website to a community. I am always amazed and appreciative that so many people are contributing. New readers arrive distraught and asking for help; other readers respond with caring and heartfelt support. People start to recover. It is beautiful to watch.
Thank you all.
As we post, there is an important fact that we must all keep in mind. Here it is: Linguists estimate that 65 percent to 90 percent of the meaning in human communication is transmitted via nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body language. None of these cues, of course, are available over a computer. That means when we post written comments on the Lovefraud blog, 65 percent to 90 percent of our meaning may be missing.
So what happens? Without the benefit of those nonverbal cues, people interpret a post to mean what they want it to mean.
Sociopaths take advantage of this phenomenon all the time. When sociopaths are sending flowery e-mails that are full of lies, we interpret the e-mails as truth, because we want them to be true. We believe what we want to believe.
Assume honorable intentions
Here on Lovefraud, this can go either way, depending on the reader’s frame of mind. If a reader is looking for consolation, he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as supportive. If a reader is on edge—a common occurrence with victims of sociopaths—he or she may interpret another poster’s advice as being critical.
I believe this has led to some problems over the last few weeks. Some bloggers have described their situations, other bloggers have offered advice, and the original bloggers have taken offense, when none was ever intended. Reading words on the screen, the offended party could not hear the caring in the Lovefraud blogger’s voice.
Everyone who posts on this website does so to seek information and support for healing, or to help someone else who is going through the trauma. Since Lovefraud launched, I can barely remember a troublemaker. Even the two self-proclaimed sociopaths who posted were respectful, and most readers found what they said to be enlightening.
Therefore, I ask everyone to assume that all of us are posting with the best, most honorable intentions, and that we are here to support each other. If at any time you feel that a blogger is not posting with honorable intentions, please let me know.
We are a group of opinionated people, and there are going to be times when we disagree. That’s fine. I think an animated discussion of different points of view is healthy. However, all discussions should be respectful, and no one should be personally attacked.
Posting guidelines for the Lovefraud Blog
Lovefraud has gotten so big that I guess it’s time for formalize some posting guidelines. So here they are:
1. The goal of the Lovefraud Blog is to provide information about sociopaths and their effects on victims, and to help victims recover from entanglements with sociopaths. Please post all comments with the intention of promoting healing, and read comments with the intention of finding the healing message.
2. Keep in mind that Lovefraud readers are extremely diverse. Our readers are men and women from all over the world, representing different races, ethnicities, religious and spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof), education levels, economic circumstances, political views and sexual orientations. Please be respectful and tolerant of all.
3. If you find a comment objectionable, please do not respond to it. Notify the blog owner, Donna Andersen. If you suspect that someone is a predator, alert me immediately. Send e-mail to donna@lovefraud.com.
4. Please refrain from using offensive language—such George Carlin’s seven dirty words. However, feel free to imply your feelings with those wonderful characters **#$$#!!!!
5. Each article posted by the Lovefraud Blog authors starts a conversation. Please post comments related to the conversation, unless, of course, another reader has posted a comment asking for support. Then, feel free to offer it.
6. We cannot name people believed to be sociopaths without documentation. If you want to describe your personal story, please do not include names or other identifying information. If your story is already in the media, however, you may post links to it.
7. Please do not post copyrighted material such as articles from other websites, book excerpts, song lyrics or poems. This is a violation of copyright law, even if you cite the original author. To draw attention to information outside of Lovefraud, you may summarize it in your own words and post a link.
8. Please do not copy any article from Lovefraud or the Lovefraud Blog and post it on another website. This is a violation of Lovefraud’s copyright. But feel free to post links to Lovefraud content.
Once again, I thank all Lovefraud readers. Your contributions and insights about the terrible problem of sociopaths in our society, and your willingness to help others, makes the effort of maintaining Lovefraud worthwhile.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Donna Andersen says:
James,
Of course – tell anyone who can benefit about Lovefraud.
(Report abusive comment)
Rose says:
Greetings. I’ve just registered with this site and I am overwhelmed with gratitude to find an up-to-date site dealing with this issue which has taken my 40 year old heart and turned it to stone. Mine is also a long story, and although I left our home in the USA 6 months ago to return to my home country and family, with our precious little child, the pain of what I went through in the past 7 years and mostly the past year as all the lies began to fall into place, is incredible. I look forward to speaking with you ( I have never written in to any site before) although I am feeling hesitant to even post this comment. I’m going to take it slowly. I just wanted to say thank you for being here and for the possibility that I have found people who will truly understand.
(Report abusive comment)
Beverly says:
Hi and Welcome Dear Rose. Well, you’ve made your first posting and well done for crossing that bridge. Some people here find it very therapeutic to post their story and their feelings. We all have different stories, but we find a solidarity in the fact that some of the details are similar, so take it at your own pace Rose and there are plenty of people who are very understanding here.
(Report abusive comment)
blondie says:
this lovefraud is my life. i find comfort in this website. i feel like im glued to the computer now a days. we have been broken up for a month and almost two weeks, and i feel like ive been walking in a daze that whole time. i still dont know who i am, dont know where i fit in. for two days now my cell phone has not rang with anyone calling. how sad is my life
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Hello Rose, and as Bev says…welcome to the LoveFraud fellowship.
Feel absolutely free to write what you wish to begin your own healing and recovery. We don’t judge, condemn or criticize any member on this site. And the possibility of causing disbelief is minimal, but we will be concerned for your safety and wellbeing.
We all have been through the wringer in loving personality disordered individuals, some experiences much more harrowing than others, but we all have the ultimate goal to learn the predictable patterns/behaviors of PDIs, to spend some quality time learning about ourselves through self examination as to how we became susceptible to PDIs in the first place, and then growing to learn to love ourselves implicitly.
This self love builds self esteem, confidence, strength and the utmost desire to generate positive, loving, fruitful future experiences.
This is the place for you to share, learn and grow from the relentless mental and physical anguish of loving a predator.
You are cared for and supported here, Rose.
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Blondie,
Girlfriend, do I need to come to your town/city and prove to you personally how wonderful, beautiful I KNOW you are?
Please, doll, give yourself a break. What? Hasn’t it only been like a month since you broke up with your X? Wow….I mean..wow…you’ve accomplished much more and much sooner than I have been capable in my many years of dating.
You are so very strong, and don’t you forget it. Do what you gotta do to make YOU happy. Depending on another person to provide that happiness is a fruitless endeavor. Trust me, believe me, I spent 20+ years waiting for that to happen. I didn’t and it won’t. I had to discover that happiness within myself, through the Loving and gracious Lord, who helped me realize that I can be happy today, not tomorrow, if I only gave myself a chance to believe in myself.
Hon, I am so very single and I have been on and off for the past 3 years. I seem to have a much better time when I’m not involved with a man, whether he is a pdi or not.
You can do this. You can restore the Blondie that was before your x. Give yourself plenty breathing room, plenty of genuine self love to further you along the path to freedom from duplicity, manipulation, LIES, unfaithfulness, just a serious bad, bad time for you.
(Report abusive comment)
blondie says:
Thank you JaneSmith!!!
i guess im kinda unsure what self love is? i feel like ive been doin what is best for me, lovin myself, but i think there is something deeper i must work on.
hope everyone had a good weekend!
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
Hey Blondie.. I know just how you feel. I try to think of it as if I was in a car wreck. Yeah it sucks sitting around feeling bad, but it’s temporary and helps you heal.. this site is my air sometimes. I loved my cheater bf so much I feel like I’m suffocating without him… talk about sad. Just last night I was so incredibly weak, and just the thought of all you fellow “freedom fighters” kept me from writing to him.
Rose.. so glad you are here.. I’ve only been here a short while but feeling so much stronger now (most of the time)
Worried about: Little.. how are you hon?
Southernman.. whazzup dude I miss you.
(Report abusive comment)
newworld view says:
its true about the freedom fighters ….i have felt the strength of this group and it has kept me from even considering going where i shouldnt……i want the irs to do something like cheryl said on another thread…i want so much ugly to happen to him, but then i think even if it did, would i feel less pain…and i think not….i would still be so befuddled that my true love, was just a dream….sigh
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
You said it. I think I really just want to wake up and find out the whole thing was a nightmare. I want to hurt him, but not really I just want him to notice my pain, and to give a shit. But then again.. I just want to slink away, crawl into a hole somewhere and die.
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Kat,
You better not disappear on us, woman. And no crawling into a hole, ok?
The pain you are feeling now is so very normal and natural. Eventually the anger, the fury will surface and supercede any and all grief. Go with it, hon. That anger is healing. It proves to you that you truly respect and love yourself and you are realizing that you didn’t deserve to be mistreated, to be used-abuse-devalued-and discarded.
Yes, it’s happened to me more times that I like, but I have made a solemn oath to myself that I will not allow such nastiness, such cruelty to be a part of my life ever again.
I remind myself of this oath daily, hourly, minutely so I don’t forget the crap I tolerated, endured, accepted at the foul, selfish hands of a predator.
You are super duper strong, super duper lovely and super duper great!! *hug*
(Report abusive comment)
susangrisanti says:
Oh how I wish my best friend had read this article
last year! In Jan 2007 she married a man
she met on the web, & only knew him ONE
DAY in person before they got married! yes,
only ONE DAY in person! After 4 months of pure
hell she managed to get out with her mind
& body intact, but it has taken well over a year
for her to begin to recover from the emotional
scars. I kept telling her ‘you can’t possibly really
know someone until you actually meet them in
person’ OH the things we do for ‘LOVE’
Thankyou for this wonderful website & keep the
articles coming!! Susan
(Report abusive comment)
donnac1218 says:
I hope it’s okay to post my story. I am just feeling a HUGE connection to those who have posted on this site. I don’t know if I “qualify” as a victim, but hopefully I can gain some insight from everyone. My LONG story is below…
Met a guy in 1990 when I was 17, dated for 5 weeks, blah, blah…broke up because we were at different high schools, he moved out of state a year later in early 1992. Fast forward to the summer of 2004. Through Classmates.com, I connected with this man again. Turns out, we were both in marriages that had gotten a bit “boring” in our minds. We are both flirtatious by nature, so we commnicated via email every few months for over a year, nothing major.
Feb 2006…life changed for me forever. He was in Massachusetts visiting his daughter and called me up to meet. Why not, right? We met mid day at a restaurant with his 11 yr old daughter and her 9 yr old half sister, who calls him Daddy, also. Well..eyes locked, and I was transported to 1990. Within an hour of meeting, we ended up in a passionate kiss. (After the girls were home, of course) He met me the next day for a few minutes, kissed again and planned to meet for drinks with his friends the next night. Thanks to a lovely blizzard, that did not happen, however, we did exchange cell phone numbers and he went back to Arizona the following day.
We took our telephone/IM/Email/MySpace relationship to a deeper level, while we were both married. Not proud of it, but I couldn’t fight my feelings. We could talk for HOURS…and did, every day for a year. The I love you’s started early on and we felt our feelings from high school never fully vanished.
March 2007. He visited again. His daughters and my daughters met and spent the day together. I met his friends from high school. He stayed at a local hotel and I spent every night there until at least 2am. Things got emotional and physical…and in the truest sense of the word, I CHEATED on my husband. From that moment on, I knew things were serious. I sent him gifts like a digital camera to take pictures to send to me of the children, gifts for his children, gift cards, clothes, Red Sox, Patriots and Bruins stuff..several thousands of dollars worth of stuff over the months. I wanted to see him happy, so I thought those things might make him smile.
I traveled to Arizona in August 2007 with his daughters and spent a week there. My husband, not thrilled, but thought I needed a vacation. Well…I got one. Spent a week in a hotel suite with his daughters, as well. Met his three other children (2 from his marriage at the time, 1 from a previous relationship) and many of his friends. I also got to meet a friend from MySpace that I met through him which was great! We went to the Daughtry/Nickelback concert, which I will never forget. We also exchanged “committment vows” in Sedona, AZ on August 17, 2007 and exchanged rings, to be each other’s soulmate forever. Tears were shed when I left with his daughters on Aug 19th. Forgot to mention that just prior to my visit, his wife threw him out…so his sister graciously took him in. Though while I was there, he stayed at the hotel with us. Mind you, this whole trip and plane tickets for all three of us was paid for by ME…as well as the hotel and a rental SUV for the week.
Enter Dramageddon 2007… John (yes, that’s his first name) had a good friend that is a female from work, whom I was always a little suspicious of their relationship. Thought it was more than he let on…he always denied it up and down. In early September, it was “announced” that this friend was pregnant, and expecting in just 4 weeks. John laughed at the thought that this child could be his, because they had never been intimate! Suffice to say…that was not the case.
The blessed event happened on October 1st and their daughter was born. He denied for weeks that this was his child and she never revealed anything, either. Well…then John went away for a long weekend in late October with his children to Mexico…oh, and the wife, as well. During this time, the “baby’s mom” contacted me to let his eldest child, who lives in MA, know that if she wants to know about her little sister, she could ask anytime. WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, what??? Yes, she confirmed this latest child, (his fifth biological with a fourth woman) was in fact, his. He had been at the hospital when she delivered and promised to take care of them both. He denied this child up and down to this point.
Ok…so all hell broke loose. The baby’s mom and I compared notes, including the dozen purple roses he sent me just one week before at work and the ring he bought me in Sedona. I learned all about the baby and how he spent many nights at her apartment with she and the baby. After much chaos, he admitted the truth to us both, and we told him to go to hell, or so we thought. A few days later, I broke down emotionally. John’s sister, whom I had developed a very close friendship with and whom he was living with, even flew to Massachusetts for the weekend because I was so upset. On my way to get her at the airport, my husband called. Apparently, the relationship with John and I was revealed to him by a friend of mine and confirmed by another. So, I was at the airport picking up his sister, BAWLING my eyes out. I was on the phone with John when I got there (and he was trying to work things out between us at this time) and his sister handed me a box. In this box was a 1/2 ct. past present future, 3 stone diamond ring set in white gold. I broke down in tears. I asked him what it meant, and he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Oh…this was getting intense.
That same night, his wife was told about the baby by the new baby’s mom at a party. Apparently, there was also some “new family time” at this party. So now he is trying to make it work with me…and the new mom….while not letting his wife find out too much. Makes sense. NOT! A week later, I decided that I had to face him in person and make hardcore decisions about our relationship. My husband said I should go, assuming I would be breaking it off. Truthfully, I didn’t know WHAT would happen. I took a week off work (unplanned, which led to the demise of my career) and went to Arizona. I stayed with him at his sister’s apartment, spending much time with his children and family. We had a big fight, but in the end, he proposed in person, with the ring. I left teary eyed again, but with the promise that we would be married. I got off the plane, called my husband and said we would be going through with the divorce and I was planning to be with John, most likely in Arizona.
Early December, I am very suspicious of his actions. He was testy, defensive and we fought all the time. We agreed to take a 3 day break from speaking, then decide where we were headed. Oh that was a hellish 3 days. It got worse, because on the 3rd day, he said he wanted to be with the baby’s mom. I was crushed beyond belief. I couldn’t believe this was happening just a few weeks after he professed his love for me with a ring!! We agreed to be friends. In the meantime, it was Christmas season and I was without a fiance and in the process of a divorce. My husband, who always wanted it to work, called off the divorce. We agreed to make it work, if I cut contact with John. Yea…that didn’t last.
**********
Within a week of John’s decision to end our relationship, we were talking every day and admitting our love and attraction was still very strong. He claimed the baby’s mom was not Miss Right, but Miss Right NOW. He said he was with her for the sake of the baby…period. His sister came to visit again on Christmas day and we had a wonderful time! He sent gifts for me and his daughters, along with birthday and Christmas cards for me, professing his love and calling me his angel, as he always had.
Mid-January…he was tiring of the baby’s mom. She was suspicious of every move he made and every time he spoke to me. With GOOD reason, I say! He couldn’t take her “insecurities” and supposedly broke up with her in the third week of January. The same week, he lost his job over this drama with her, so he claims. I sent him hundreds of dollars to pay his sister for rent, pay his phone bill…even use my credit card as an authorized user. My husband found out about $1500 in money transfers to him and called the lawyer to restart the divorce…but after a few weeks, decided to work things out with me again. I didn’t know what was happening and was confused, so I went with it.
In late February, he came for a 3 day weekend to visit. (I paid for the plane tickets and hotel, as well as all meals and entertainment) It was just me and his friends, as he felt just seeing his daughters for a few hours would be too emotional for them. Now I have to wonder why I agreed to that theory. His friends, well OUR friends, and I had a birthday party for him at his hotel. We had dinner with my friend from high school and her fiance. We also went into Boston for a great night with a friend of HIS from high school and her fiance. He proposed again with the ring at Nantasket Beach. When he left, it was to take care of business so we could be together…most likely in MA. This whole time, he is only talking to the baby’s mom for the sake of the baby…or so he says.
His sister, at this point, is sick of him not working, not contributing and causing emotional drama with the baby’s mom, the soon to be ex-wife, the children, me…it was A LOT. She tells him he is going to have to leave. In the meantime, he agreed to move to Boston to be with me and be closer to his daughter here and her sister, his “pseudo-daughter” as he affectionately calls her. Drama was mounting leading up to this move. It got really bad, I couldn’t concentrate at work…and though it was a “business decision”, I was laid off in mid March. He was still coming to live here, though! So…I had to prepare financially, as I was already over $20,000 in debt, mostly for things for him.
I raced to get a place to live, and rented the first floor of a house about 20 minutes away. The woman who lived there needed the extra money, so we got a bedroom and living room to ourselves, while sharing the kitchen, bathroom, laundry, deck and yard. $750 plus security deposit. I then needed to get a bed…$480. I paid for John to fly here on April 7th. Told my husband I was leaving for a while, needed to figure out where my life was headed and that yes, I was still in love with John. (Enter, divorce back ON) John and I got our little home set up and spent hundreds on a TV, internet access, cable, food, linens, organizers…. I was paying for every meal and driving everywhere. Didn’t matter, I wanted this to WORK! I was in love and we were going to make this happen. He introduced me at a wedding as his fiancee to everyone we met. He told his daughters that we were going to get married and showed them the ring that he, once again, put on my finger.
April 21st…he gets a call saying he needs to be back in AZ for a divorce hearing in 7 days. WHAT????? Ok…nice notice. I had no desire to have him leave, but what could I do? He had to go because, as he said, he can’t marry me without getting divorced first. He swore he would be back in less than a week. His mom said she would put him on a plane herself if she had to! I reluctantly paid for another plane ticket on a Wednesday evening, and he left that next morning. While he was gone, I stressed over the fact that he wasn’t keeping me informed of his plans on coming back. Said he was going to drive back in his car. I had given him my Target card to buy formula and diapers for the baby while he was there and gave him my debit card for the trip. (I had taken out my 401k savings of almost $7,000 prior to him leaving) I told him to spend whatever he had to to fix his car for the trip. His mother (who had been foreclosed on because, as SHE says, I didn’t give her $5000 to keep the house) was moving that same week. He had a court meeting on a Monday and planned to leave on Tuesday. I knew something was strange when he didn’t call me and got very angry when I tried to call him to find out the status. Needless to say, I told him he better not break up with me over the phone and make me ship all his stuff back and move out alone. He assured me he wouldn’t. Well…I purchased ANOTHER plane ticket for him to come back to Boston that following Monday. I swore I wouldn’t pay for another one, either. He would have to find another way back to AZ if he left again. That night he arrived, we had dinner and agreed to “make this happen”. Strangely, his suitcase was almost empty. Just 2-3 changes of clothes. He claims it was all still at his mother’s house and he forgot to pack everything.
I bought picture frames for the walls to put pictures of his children in. We spent a day at the beach having lobster and talking about how we would make our marriage work. Though during this time, he was insistant that he should get back to AZ for me to arrive, because Boston wasn’t going to work for us. I wanted him, so I agreed AZ was the place to live, once again.
Mother’s Day weekend…oh, it gets interesting. He was depressed, said he missed his children (oh, no feelings for the ones HERE that he barely sees?) but we agreed that we would book him a flight on Sunday for that week and I would prepare to move to AZ. We got tattoos in RI that Saturday, I spent close to $900 on them, as I got a purple rose on my ankle and a Celtic angel he chose for my lower back. He got a Boston Bruins/tribal armband and an angel kanji, for ME. I paid for a nice hotel that night as we had dinner and drinks with friends…another few hundred dollars.
Mother’s day, we had breakfast and a huge argument that day. I told him I wasn not convinced that he was not still with the baby’s mom, as he always hid every sign of me from her…and her “myspace drama” was all about how they were still together. Soooooo…he gave me his word that he would make US work, that he would convince HER that there was nothing there and that she can’t threaten to not let him see the baby unless he’s WITH her. I reluctantly booked another flight for the next day back to Arizona. I left him at the airport on May 12th…the last thing he said was that he was getting things ready for me to move there and to give him a few weeks to get a job and get a place for us to live. I had to pack up the place we were staying in…after paying another $750 for the month of May…had to leave the brand new bed there as I had no way to take it with me and couldn’t deal with the girl who lived there anymore. Billy (my husband) agreed to let me move back to my house. The girls never knew, since I put them to bed every night, and drove to the house at 4:45am every day so Billy could go to work. I also drove John to see his daughters while I was there every evening.
Within a week, things were just not right. More myspace drama with the baby’s mom saying that they got an apartment for them and the baby. WHAT????? He denied that one up and down. I mailed him some of his things that he left behind in Weymouth, along with personalized Red Sox, Pats and Bruins hats and a photo of Fenway Park for the wall. He became more distant and argumentative as the days went on, still denying any relationship with the baby’s mom. Worrying how he was going to pay child support for the two children from his recently divorced wife, as well as back child support for his two other biological daughters. He never applied for unemployment in January, either….and to my knowledge, is still not working.
So…early June 2008…turns out the baby’s mom and he moved in together. He still attempts (and succeeds) to talk to my on his last break at work. (He’s making barely minimum wage working stock overnights) He claims he still loves me and calls me his soulmate and angel…STILL!!!
Should I be angry? Yeah…probably. I mean, I am. I am just so hurt that he seems to have left me, used … and hasn’t even admitted to me that he moved in with her, but I know he has from his family members and her myspace drama. (She delights in posting how wonderful their little family home is and how they are talking about moving to the next stage in their relationship) Yea, it hurts. It’s painful to a level I never knew before. How can she win? After all I did to make us work? It breaks my heart to think I wasted so much time making things right for us. Down to paying his cell phone bill for several months…even after finding out he pays for the baby’s mom’s cell on his bill, too!! He just FORGOT me! Was I that bad in the relationship? I forgave him for so much and tried to help him in every way I could. I guess it was never enough. I have been driving my friends crazy by not being more upset or just let him go. I can’t forget so much. Just over 4 weeks ago, we were still engaged and I was moving to Arizona. Now this??? To top it off, my husband, Billy, STILL wants to work things out with me. (enter, calling off divorce again)
So, now I get to file for bankruptcy. I have to take my daughters out of the private school that they love because I now have too many expenses to pay and can’t afford it. The worst part? I still miss this guy!
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
know how you feel but gotta say.. red flags everywhere that guy must have been one hell of a talker. I would be real thankful you didn’t get pregnant.. and I know you’re hurt.. but I think your husband sounds like a bigger victim than you hon.
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
OH and Jane.. I love ya gf.. you made me smile. Is it ok to give out my email on here? it’s not a very big secret.. kind of an all purpose email.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Donna,
Welcome Donna,
We’ve all been scammed by one or more of the psychopaths. I suggest that you read and read and read, and learn as much as you can about psychopaths. They are pretty much cut out by the same cookie cutter as far as the fact that they are LIARS LIARS LIARS, and that there is NO HOPE that they will get better. They are USERS USERS USERS. They hold out this “great hope” of a “soul mate” to us and we fall for it until it all comes crashing down on our head.
You’ve come to the right place to learn and to heal. Knowledge=power and we have to learn in order to heal and get back on with our lives.
Good luck, and welcome.
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
Donna-
Stop thinking of you. Start with the husband and children.
I don’t know if you shoudl go back to your husband- I mean if he’s a decent guy, he hardly deserves what you’ve done and continue to do.
And your poor children- wake up. The psycho user is the least of your problems…get a mirror. I say this sincerley- stand up and be a mother- get some character and do the right thing by people who obviously love you.
Thank you for another example of why I should run like hell from my psycho.
(Report abusive comment)
donnac1218 says:
kat_o_nine_tales, thank you! You are absolutely correct in that my husband was a bigger victim. It’s nauseating that I cannot just be HAPPY with HIM, but that’s work that I will need to get to once I get over this disaster. I mean, I feel like I need to get past it before I can move on in my marriage…that is, if that makes ANY sense. Yes, I am SO thankful that I did not end up pregnant. Sadly the current girlfriend/baby’s mother is holding the child over his head so I don’t even know if there is true love there either. I wish I didn’t feel so badly that I “lost” somehow, even though I know I didn’t. My husband and my children are here for me and my friends are all very supportive, even though I wrote them off for so long for HIM. I hate that the current girlfriend seems to have “won” in some twisted way. I don’t know.
OxDrover, thanks for your kind words and welcome! I appreciate it all!!!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
donnac1218 says:
holywatersalt, I deserve that. I deserve the pain and guilt. I appreciate your honesty.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Donna,
We can’t go back and change the PAST–what is is what is. We can ONLY change the future.
Please read here and read and read and read, the essays, read them all. There is so much wisdom here to help you see what happened. Why you got hooked. Why you are still hooked (addicted) to this man.
His GF did not “Win”—you did, you are away from him. He is like a rattle snake. There is nothing “nice” or “loving” about him. Look at how he has treated every woman in his life. LIES LIES AND MORE LIES. What makes you think he won’t lie to you MORE? He already has lied to you, to all of the women.
You are just another notch on his bedpost. That is typical of them ALL.
I strongly suggest that tomorrow as soon as the offices open that you get some professional counseling to help you through this chaos. Yes, you’ve “made a mess” but you are also the victim of this psychopath, and your husband and your children are also victims.
Your “boring”marriage left you vulnerable to the “mirror” he held out reflecting this “soul mate” you were hungry for.
There isn’t a person on here who is here because they didn’t get conned by one of these people–or more than one. So you are in GOOD COMPANY, there are lots of smart men and women here,ALL of which have made mistakes, been taken in and conned. Done things we shouldn’t have done.
But none of us can change the past, all we can do is to pick ourselves up here, admit our own mistakes, and try to heal.
You are no better and no worse than the rest of us. ((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
Hey Donna don’t go around thinking you deserve pain and guilt, well maybe a little guilt… lol.
But I wanted to say something for your consideration. In the beginning of my first marriage, I did not realize what a crazy P my husband was. All I knew was that I was not getting my needs met. He wasn’t abusive, or anything I could put my finger on. He just didn’t do it for me. But I was so bound up in the idea that I made those vows to him, I did some crazy stuff. Rather than just maybe be honest with him that I thought I made a mistake, I went looking for love in all the wrong places.
That, of course, made me the bad guy and him the innocent victim. So I went back to him, and the guilt held me there for nearly 15 years. Not until the last two years, when I started going to a support group and changing my own behavior, did his “victim” mask fall away. Then and only then he became openly abusive, and his rage became extreme.
So I want to say.. even though right now you think this is all your fault, keep in the back of your mind, if you are that miserable in your marriage, you may not want to drag it on for ten or fifteen more years out of guilt. Your husband’s extreme willingness to forgive and try again to me is a little suspicious.
Just think it over, take it slow, get some counseling and remember, your psycho ex-bf is the major abuser here and made victims out of you all, even the new girl. After all, she is probably holding baby over his head just like any of us would, nobody wants to be left alone with a baby to raise.
I am just a little worried that your obvious guilt in this matter will give your husband a “get out of jail free” card for the rest of your lives, because he is “obviously” a terrific man who didn’t deserve a “horrible” wife like you. He just seems a little too nice to be true, I know that sounds mean, but I was with someone like that and he fooled me for years into thinking I was the only one who ever did wrong. My job in the family became the job of the black sheep, my job was to take all the blame so everyone else could live guilt free.
In the end, I felt like a starving beggar, crawling under the table for crumbs of self esteem. Behave yourself AND forgive yourself Donna, nobody is perfect.
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
Donna-
We do not know what your current marriage is like, but your solution to whatever problems there were was destructive.
And with children we have an obligation to act for their benefit, not our own.
I know the allure of a “soul mate” – in my case I bailed before the sex, separation drama….I had strong feelings and was used too. I am going to write on it.
But I was culpable, the psycho is never all powerful- we have free will if even just in our hearts. They do not offer love, so why do we think what they give is love?
It’s a long journey, but the first part really is total no contact and reconstructing the base of your life. I cannot judge your husband and I think it is wrong of any of us here to do so- he may be a great guy or not- that’s not the immediate issue.
Start with total no contact and prayer. Make amends to the children and be honest with husband. Keep posting.
(Report abusive comment)
Beverly says:
Dear HWS. I think Donna said, sometime ago, that after the intense bonding at the start of the r/ship, they inject anxiety and drama into the mix as a catalyst to increase the intensity of the bonding.
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
Yep, that’s it Bev. It’s so hard to realize – all a manipulation.
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
Dear Donnac1218,
First you must realize you were never engaged to this man. He had no intention of ever marrying you. Engaged by definition I believe means the intent to marry. He was not ever going to marry you.
I am not scolding you. I just want you to get this.
You have been a puppet responding to all the things he said but not to the things he did. You are responding to his words and not to his actions. What if you turned the volume off and just watched yourself in this show… running here, running there, paying for this paying for that, moving moving moving, paying paying paying. Look at all that!
Forget about the special glances across the room or the way he touched your cheek or whatever crap he was using to keep you spinning.
Don’t ask yourself, “Why wasn’t I good enough.” This question will keep you trapped. Listen to what I am saying… this was not about being good enough for him. This is not about you not being good enough. Also, this other woman did not “Win” anything. Look at the prize! It’s the ultimate BOOBY prize! Let that “winning” thing go. A man that has integrity does not need to be won away from another woman. A good man doesn’t play multiple women against eachother.
The other thing strange about this story is that his family seems kind of strange. Either they are completely swept up in his drama or they are scam artists too.
This sounds like a junior high school love drama except the stakes are much much higher. I am not saying this to be insulting. Think about it. Secret trists. ONe girl trying to win out over the other. Sister’s delivering messages of love. Friends helping to create situation in which the forbidden starcrossed lovers can meet. What the hell is this?!
Donna, you must must must go completely NO CONTACT with this man. Your new obsession is to read LoveFraud. Every time you feel like you must speak to him or read the “winner’s” MySpace page, read 3 or 4 articles here plus ALL the comments. That should keep you busy. Think of LoveFraud as your “methadone” because you have been addict.
It’s okay Donna. We ALL have been addicts.
When you are unhappy or bored in your marraige, or 40 and single, or recently widowed, or.. fill in the blank… you are a vulnerable pick of a Sociopath… especially one like yours.
When I was coming down from my addiction, a friend told me, “Sometimes we get addicted to someone because they make us FEEL.” He went on to explain that it doesn’t neccessarily have to be something good that we feel… we will settle for anything if we have felt flat and lonely and bored for a long time.
The Bad Man made me feel good for a very short time. He made me feel VERY bad for a VERY VERY LONG time. Just like drugs.
Good luck sweet lady. I do hope you will wake up soon to your real life. This man you are addicted to is TOXIC.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear DonnaC,
The Bible tells us that NONE OF US IS WITHOUT SIN, so that means that you are just like the rest of humanity, you make mistakes. You do things that you should not have done. Big deal. You have now realized that what you did was destructive to yourself and your relationship at least with your children, as you would not want them to follow your example in this behavior.
But you know what, acknowledging that we have “sinned” (done wrong) is the FIRST STEP in an apology to those we have hurt and to OURSELVES.
The psychopath does not acknowledge his own wrong doing, though sometimes they will PRETEND TO, even with tears and all the “right words” but they don’t truly acknowledge that they have done ANYTHING WRONG. You have done that by acknowledging that you had a relationship with this man while you were married to another. That takes courage and accountability, responsibility, and I applaud you grandly for being strong and courageous enough to take this FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT STEP.
Now that you have made that first step, you are ready for the next steps—healing and undoing, to the best extent possible, the damage you have done to YOURSELF and to your children, to whom you DO owe an obligation to be a role model for.
I agree that NO CONTACT ABSOLUTELY with the psychopath is the step that you need to make now. Both for yourself and for the sakes of your children. The “reasons being” that HE IS A LIE, HE DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU, HE WILL CONTINUE TO LIE TO YOU, AND TRY TO SUCK YOU BACK INTO HIS WEB. You CANNOT HEAL while you have any connection or communication with him.
Let’s pretend that you are addicted to “drugs” and he is your “supplier” —- could you get off the “drugs” as long as you hung around this peddler of “drugs?” Of course not, so you must get away from him.
Of course you will for a wile continue to WANT to see him, want to talk to him, and want “the drugs” that he has available, and you will go “cold turkey” thinking about him almost 24/7–wanting what he has to offer. But you will SURVIVE this, it is not fatal, and it will not last forever.
I think that you should get some counseling from a professional as well. This will help you to stay strong and put yourself back together.
As for your relationship with your husband, since he hasn’t posted on here, I have no idea what his thoughts or feelings or behavior has been. But even if he is “prince charming” and the most “holy saint of a husband” in the world, your marriage to him won’t “work” until YOU are healed. What was there lacking in YOU (not in your marriage or husband) that made YOU vulnerable to this “snake oil salesman” of a psychopath that you would “buy his illusion and fantasy”?
When my own personal verison of the “snake oil salesman” came along with his wares, I was a widow of under one year, lonely, vulnerable and hurting—-and I grabbed at his wares like a drowning woman would grasp at a straw to try to stay afloat. I KNOW what my vulnerablity was. I was lonely, and I FELT old (I was 57) and FELT ugly and FELT wrinkled, and FELT fat, and FELT undesirable and he made me FEEL like I looked at 20! Wow! What a RUSH those feelings were—-a HIGH better than drugs! Until the pain started, the confusion, the drama, the tears. Then I came CRASHING down, and like someone on Meth I wanted that high again, I craved it. But now, I no longer FEEL all those terrible feelings of inadequacy or that anyone can make me “happy”–I realize I alone can make my own happiness and I don’t need the FANTASY DRUG to bouy me up. I am 61 now, and I don’t NEED A MAN or anyone else to make me happy, I am happy being ME. I still don’t have a partner, but I no longer feel the CRAVING for one, and if one comes along that will be wonderful, but if not, I am still OK.
Don’t beat up on yourself for the things that you did that you knew at the time were “wrong”—the past is past, FORGIVE YOURSELF for being HUMAN. We all are and none of us is “without sin”–you still have the consequences of what you did to deal with, and continusing to beat yourself up won’t help you deal with those consequences in a sane and logical manner. ((((hugs)))))
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
Donnac1218,
I just want to repeat.. the girlfriend did not win anything.
Don’t congratulate yourself because she had to use the baby to hold over him but it’s not true love.. what do you mean? Not true love like YOU had?
Donna, there is NO TRUE LOVE HERE ANYWHERE. Your story is the poster-child story for LOVEFRAUD.
It really hurts to think that someone we think we loved and would do anything for was not a real lover to us. God that is painful… but that is the truest truth there is when it comes to a Sociopath.
No one that really loves you would put you through anything like the above story. No one.
Sometimes I think it is Hollywood that sets us up to think that true love is some kind of big drama.. or that is has to be starry eyes and being swept off our feet with diamonds and secret trists… this is not the real thing.
Just last night, a man I know went from yellow flag to red with me. He has a girlfriend. A lovely woman, by the way. I met her a few times last year. This “man” keep talking to me at the yacht club. I wonder. Do I have a sign on my back that says “Desperate, lonely, vulnerable, victim who will fall for BS professions of Love from a NOT-Single man?” If I do have that sign on me will someone PLEASE RIP IT OFF MY BACK?
This man keeps telling me how “special” I am. He’s right.
He keeps saying I am lovely. Yes, I am.
He tells me a man should take care of me and be good to me. Right-o!
He tried to kiss me last night. I pushed him away and told him, “RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES. I SAID NO.”
I have pointed out more than once that I would not be interested in a man that is making moves on me when he has a girlfriend. Why would I want a guy like that? He would only do that to me.
As I drove away in my car, he said, “I LOVE YOU!”
Hey! What is that waving over your head… oh.. I know.. It’s a RED FLAG!
BTW.. for anyone wondering, I left the yacht club by myself and this man chased after me (as he did last week as well) wanting to know why I didn’t say good bye to him two weeks in a row. Oh, but I did say good-bye to you… with the back of my head!
Anyway, why am I talking about me? My point is I am not falling for his love drama. If he likes me so much, and he truly is having problems with his lovely girlfriend… then go handle your problems. Dont’ drag me into it or try to create some secret love triangle. I will not fall for this crap.
Sometimes, at my age, it seems like broken hearted men trapped in “unhappy marriages” and relationships are all that there is to choose from. But after all the reading I have done here and from my own experience, the definition of integrity is to handle your love problems without pulling someone else into the mix. If a man is doing it in any other way than that… I say, RED FLAG BABY! Do people get unhappy in their marriages? Sure they do but affairs and love trists are dangerous territory. Do we think it makes our love more juicy by having it be forbidden somehow? I think it means it’s less real. It’s not about truth. It’s about creating drama because we are bored.
I don’t know any happy couples that were created out of a big love drama. This is unhealthy and a recipe to get hurt really bad and drag others down with you.
Good luck Donna. The road to recovery is this way.. turn here!
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
Good words OXY.
The thing I see most now is how vulnerable and ripe for the picking we were. This vulnerability and belief that a relationship will fix and cure it all for us is practically like a drug put in the water… we all drink it.
(Report abusive comment)
southernman429 says:
You crack me up aloha…smiles… and yes, you give good advice to Donna.
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
Amen Aloha
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
And most of all, I would like to thank my fans for without you, no one would give a crap about what I think!
HAHA!
XO Aloha
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Aloha,
I don’t know if I qualify as a “fan” of yours, but I do qualify as your friend, and as your friend, I can say that this woman who is my friend has INTEGRITY AND GUTS, HONESTY AND TRUTH and has my UTMOST RESPECT.
The advice you gave to DonnaC is right on. And you know, I do NOT KNOW ONE COUPLE who found “real love” in a TRIANGLE of DRAMA. NOt ONE!
The only healthy way to find what is healthy (real love) is to get healthy FIRST and ACT HEALTHY and with integrity.
Yes, the media does play up all this DRAMA, but it is noting more than a “fog” of FAKE. It is “excitement” and “adrenaline fixes” and a “drug” which we “supply” from the excitement and drama inside our selves, but it is all FAKE.
No person of integrity would treat anyone they truly loved like her BF treated DonnaC. No person of integrity would treat anyone that they loved like your Bad Man did you. Like ALL our BAD MEN did.
Do you want a lover, friend, who had NO INTEGRITY? Someone who lies to you and others, deceives you and others, has children by many different women? Takes money from others for their “support” and needs instead of getting a job and EARNING their living?
You are right, DonnaC’s story is the “poster child” for Love Fraud, but no more so or less so than the rest of our stories.
I don’t think that her “cheating” on her husband makes her any worse than the rest of us. None of us are without sin, and I cannot cast a stone at her because I am so “holy” because I too dreamed the dream, listened to the siren song(s) and stayed in situations that I KNEW WERE NOT GOOD. But now I am learning and no matter how INTICING the “temptation” might be, I will NOT fall for the person who has no integrity.
I am so proud of you Aloha, and happy for you that you have the strength and the wisdom that you will not even flirt with the temptation that these twisted men foist upon you.
No, you do not have a “sign” on you that says any of those things, what you do have is an attractiveness because you are a beautiful woman, inside and out, and men (good and bad) are attracted to this kind of woman, Unfortunately, in our age group (35-65) there are more Bad Men out looking than there are Good men out looking. That’s just the nature of the life cycle. But you will not be waylaid by any of these Bad Men so when the Good Man does come along, you will be there to see him and him see you!!!! (((hugs)))))
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
No one is throwing stones, but to pretend there are not behaviors that need to stop asap is wrong. I am not saying you are denying what needs to be done Oxy, but I, for one, having been unsucessfuly ( THANK GOD) by a psychopath know I had to face the facts of my own culpability. I had to face my life warts and all. No more intoxicating psychopaths….course toward the end his lies were like poison.
I did not act on my feelings, but I harbored for a long while a belief that the grass was greener on the otehrside because my husband was fill-in-the-blank. No one is perfect, but I signed on for life with him. And he’s not abusive or mean- there’s other issues but best face tehm with him than find solace in a psycho.
I want Donna to get to that point fast. The point she sees psycho as a pillager of her family. And for me what I denied most was my responsibility and that let me sulk and bask in self-pity. I hurt people. I had to make it stop.
I did a while ago and life has gotten better. The grass is nice here. I feel for Donna – she is much more involved than I ever was….I can’t imagine, but even more reason to start now.
You can do it Donna
(Report abusive comment)
holywatersalt says:
I meant to write:
unsucessfuly SEDUCED ( THANK GOD) by
(Report abusive comment)
newworld view says:
aloha…i lie your hint……turn the sound off and watch this movie…..if donna could atch a replay of her life with that creature, with no sound(no promises of marriage and soulmate nonsense and forever after) jusy watch his actions, he could probably clearly see what he is
and yes the family may have been un on it…the sister got his rent money etc ..the mother was waiting for her to give money to prevent a forclosure…..he is a wackadoo for sure…..no contact donna for your own health and to gain strength to pick up the pieces of YOUR family…not his, not his many kids…..think of your kids
(Report abusive comment)
newworld view says:
sorry about typos its drk here
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
Holywater: Pillager is right. It’s strange though, how often those pirates and pillagers can seem so romantic and interesting to the addicted soul. Boredom is such a soul crusher, it’s really important to protect yourself from affairs by keeping busy and having interests.
Right on Aloha and about the playing multiple women against each other, this is one of the most insidious things I noticed about my ex-cheater bf, he gets a real rush out of women fighting over him. He plays them against each other all the time and seems to really enjoy seeing how long he can keep them thinking he’s their friend.
I couldn’t believe he tried to smooth things over with me after threatening to have me arrested. His “friends” keep telling me he has no interest in me and wants nothing to do with me. I know that’s not true. He would love nothing more right now than to discuss his latest conquests with me. Well that ain’t about to happen. What an a….h….
(Report abusive comment)
donnac1218 says:
Absorbing every post today at this late hour. I will digest and respond tomorrow. Donna A asked me to create a new nickname, but I am having trouble accessing my profile. Grrrrr. Anyhow, I will be changing it to “DJ” or some form of that as soon as I can. In the meantime, I appreciate EVERYTHING that I have read so far. The truth hurts, but I think I need some of that.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
DEar DonnaC,
I know we have given you a real “welcome” here–and some hard truths too. A lot to digest for a “newbie” but you are getting a “crash course” I think.
There’s no way I am going to tell you that this is going to be easy to pick up the pieces of your life, and decide what your options are, and where you will go from here. The GOOD thing about all of this is that it strips us “naked” emotionally and makes us take a clear look at ourselves.
Sometimes we find things about ourselves that we would like to change, that we think may have led us to be vulnerable, or to participate in our own down fall. God alone knows how many flaws I have found in my own behavior. Some of them I have found the “reason” for these (not an excuse that “excuses” it, but just what prompted me to behave as I did).
I’m 61 years old and feel like I am now just really being “reborn” or “transformed” into what I would really like to be for the rest of my life. Sorting it all out, the good from the bad, the things I have that are wonderful, the things I am not so proud of.
There are some pretty smart people on here, and I feel that I am in “good company” here because in spite of all the brains we have as a group, everyone of us has “fallen for the lie”—the wonderful thing now, is that it has given us an opportunity that FEW people have or take advantage of and that is to search our souls to the depths and to reform ourselves. To move on to a better life than any of us thought was possible. Maybe without so much wealth financially, but with a new courage that we can survive anything, and have. To reach out to each other for support and understanding, because unless you have experienced the P-experience, heard the Siren Song that they give you, it is difficult for others to truly comprehend why we fell for it.
There are so many similarities among these predators that it is almost as if we all dated one man just with different names. They are all so predictable and the ONE THING THAT IS ALWAYS TRUE, IS THAT THEY ***ARE*** THE LIE! Nothing that the said is true.
Hang on DonnaC, you are in a good place to heal and get support–and the occasional smack up side the head. I was always jokingly “threatening” sweet Henry with a whack from my “man tamer” cast iron skillet when he did something “stupid” like contacting his X. So we may have some fun with you at times, too, but it is all in good fun, not “making fun” of your pain, or anything that you do.
If there is anyplace or anyone in the universe that understands your pain, confusion, and everyother emotion that you feel it is HERE. There are many of us here that credit this site with our sanity! It has been a long hard journey for some of us, all of us(?) but there is growth and love here.
So for now, read and read and read some more! (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
Oxy… I was only kidding about fans.
I wasn’t sure if you were scolding me in your note or not. I will have to go back and read my post to DonnaC. Was I too harsh? I was not judging her and when I said “poster child” I meant that the moves of her Sociopath were so classic and her reactions.. well, we have heard all of this before or have done many of the things ourselves.
I hope when I point out that something is typical or classic, they don’t feel like I am saying we don’t want to hear it. What I am hoping they get is that… yes, that person is a pathologically disordered partner!
The stranger the stories, the more we also see people say, “but do you think he’s a Sociopath?” YES! YES WE DO!
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
To DonnaC1218,
I hope I wasn’t too harsh in my posts above. Sometimes when I read them later, I wonder if the “tone” was interpreted differently than I meant it.
One of the things I find most tragic about these bad characters is when they prey upon married people. I am sure than many marriages there were in a rough patch or getting boring have been torn apart by an opportunistic Sociopath.
It’s always easy for us to look at your story and see it as just a list of bad behaviors that you feel for but we really do know that all of this happens in slow motion and when it is youre heart involved, it is harder to see what is happening.
We all want to be swept off our feet… well, I don’t want that anymore but at one time, I thought that was what I was looking for. I can easily imagine being in a marriage, having it get a little boring, and then meeting someone handsome and excitng and suddenly feeling totally alive and falling for their empty promises.
You are new here and I am sure you haven’t read my story… bits and pieces are scattered about LF. It was a big drama of it’s own. I was chasing my tail just as much at the next person. My Bad Man was more of an abuser type. A little less sunshine and roses in my “story.”
The thing is, like Oxy said, these pathological partners really are very predictable once you know what it is you are looking at.. but of course, when all of this happened to you.. you didn’t know.
I am not sure if I am making sense. It’s late.
Hang in there DonnaC. It’s wonderful that you are here at LF. After sharing your story, I can assure you, this is your place.
Good night…
)
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
My dear dear Aloha,
In my obviously INEPT way, I was trying to tell you how much I ADMIRE YOU,, AND YES YOU DO HAVE FANS AND I AM ONE OF THEM!!! You have posted so many great essays here and they are wonderful, and the advice you have given people is so right on! I think my twisted humor comes across, or DOESN’T come across as the case may be, (LOL) as I intend it to.
You my dear dear friend, and I hope I may call you that, because that is sure what I feel for you in my heart, are ONE of THE most courageous people I have met here on love fraud. And, believe me, there are some stupendously courageous people here at LF.
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
Thanks Oxy.
Our humor does get lost sometimes via this type of communication. If we are all together we would be able tsee eachother winking and laughing at all the right moment.
I couldn’t tell for sure what you meant so I was checking myself, just incase… keeping in mind our last fiasco.
)
Have an excellent day!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Aloha,
If I ever see a need to scold you, I will do you like I did our dear Henry, I will “threaten” you with my OTHER cast iron skillet…the “woman tamer” –I just about wore out the “man tamer” skillet on Henry’s head! LOL
I sure do miss Henry’s posts. I hope he is doing well. I keep him in my prayers.
(Report abusive comment)
alohatraveler says:
He will be back. I am sure.
)
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Hi all LF peeps,
I did something that may be construed as foolish by you folks, but I did it anyway.
I’ve been cloistered in my house for the past week getting over a nasty bladder infection. The meds I’m taking make me susceptible to sunshine, so…lot’s of reading and movie watching.
Anyway, I became curious. And curiosity is sometimes dangerous to our mental stability as we can all attest to. I went to the X Music Man’s my space page that he created for his ex bands. I clicked on his friends page and saw a picture of him and a red haired girl. Well, I clicked on her profile and saw pics of her and him.
She is cute as a button and only 25 years old. He is 37. Yes, it hurt to see him and her smiling together, but I know it’s only an illusion. His face didn’t cause me to yearn or long for him. In fact, he looked sort of rough and sickly. Probably looked that way the 5 months we were together, but I was bewitched and beguiled by his humor, musical talent, and supposed decency. You know, the carefully crafted illusion they create for each and every woman?
I wrote her a message explaining to her that he is a danger to her heart, mind and soul. I told her I’m not bitter, furious, vengeful over his deceptions and manipulations but I was only sending her a warning to protect herself.
I also said I can’t stand the man and I never want to see his ugly face again or he will face the consequences of his rash actions. Whatever I mean by that is left to be decided…by me.
I cried after sending that message, for her, for me, for all of you. I was so shaky, so sad that he could still elicit intense feelings from me. Guess I hit that spot where I thought I was done but making contact rehashed our turbulent history.
This was a man who professed to truly love me then less than 24 hours later told me to quit..’f***ing calling’ him because I had confronted him for his insensitive, arrogant tone. He then sent me a txt message saying..’If you create problems by coming here, it will be a mistake. You will pay.’
Ok, his threat did not send me shaking with fear, but hurt tremendously. And then the fury set in and I was lost for a time in that whirlwind.
But after crying and having a wee pity party (which I detest in myself) I pleaded to the Lord to offer me guidance and strength and to forgive me for my multitude of sins. After a while I felt a sense of peace envelop me and I went to sleep.
I think I’m a little depressed from being sick and trapped in the house for a week. I haven’t been able to exercise which alleviates quite a bit of anxiety and stress.
Thanks for listening. This is the only place in the universe (besides prayers) where healing is possible. Not only from psychos but from any of my ills and woes.
Peace, love and joy
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
And what’s with that stupid myspace website anyway? Why is it so popular? It’s setup is annoying and pointless. It’s just a big vanity trip for people. A way to see yourself and all your likes and dislikes, your little quizzes about how wonderful you are, and your current music tastes. I’m clueless as to it’s appeal. Especially for grown men and women.
Except for Southernman, my space provides him an avenue to spread the Word. Along with love and joy. Good on you, Southernman!!
(Report abusive comment)
donnac1218 says:
WOW…you are all SOOOO knowledgeable, it’s amazing and refreshing. To touch on a few points, the most recent first. MySpace…it’s been dramatic and horrifying at times, but being a former military brat and also moving throughout the state and changing jobs, I have found a great deal of friends through the site. We exchange emails and go from there. I am also able to share pics of my family to my friends without having to know HTML language to any great extent. I am slowly learning that there are GOOD ways to use the site, as well as the wrong ways. The whole mood and status stuff just bothers me. Fortunately, I am learning to not bother looking at “the new girl”‘s page, as I am trying to heal. My X used to say that I went looking for drama on her page and caused the anxiety and paranoia all on my own. The truth is, I was correct. I found horrible similarities in my actions with my husband and X’s with me. I would tell my husband anything to avoid the truth about how I felt about my X (current at the time). I am not trying to gain sympathy, I swear. I admit, my self-esteem is completely shot, but that is my doing for the most part. My husband was a victim. The X was an offender. I was BOTH. Oh, so some thing that makes it easier to understand both sides. YES, it does, and that’s confusing as hell. I know my husband is a great dad, good provider, etc… I know I was once attracted to him, I DO realize that. Some stuff is hard to handle. He is 12 years older than I am (I am 35, he is 47). He is shorter than me, heavier, bald. He says his skin gets dry if he showers more than once every 3 days, which, to someone who showers twice a day, is hard to take. In the bedroom, let’s just say his is NOT well endowed. Now, I am NOT trying to bash him, I am simply trying to understand my own insecurities and what made me stray. The X gave me an engagement ring, whether he felt that he would marry me, I don’t know. I tried to rationalize it, such as being the only woman other than his wife who ever GOT a ring, and hers was cubic zirconia, mine is real. The fact that the women in his life who have been victims ALL had children and ALL lived in the same general area as he did. I had NO children with him and lived 2700 miles away. Am I making excuses? Trying to justify myself? At least one good thing happened. I have no contact. His cell phone was shut off for non-payment. (sigh…)
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Oh, one more thing…haha.
I’ve been so pathetically ill that I watched the complete Lord of the Rings trilogy AND the Matrix series. About 9 hours each set. Now, this is a woman who has no cable, no satellite as I don’t ever watch tv. But I curled up in my bed watching my beloved fantasy and sci fi flix continuously.
As I was watching the LOTRs, I was thinking…’wow, these folks have it a hell of lot worse than I do, what with cannibalistic orks, an evil wizard who chops down majestic trees, and an orange/red ginormous evil eye wishing to destroy any and all goodness in Middle Earth’.
Now, I’m blatantly aware that this is fiction. I read Tolkien’s books when I was 12 years old and a fondness for fantasy/action adventure was born. I’m a nerdy gal, I told ya’ll…haha.
But the bravory, heroics, the honor, the duty, the tremendous love for all that is beautiful and good in the world struck a cord with me.
(Report abusive comment)
southernman429 says:
JaneSmith……
I agree with you that much that is on Myspace and Youtube are not positive, nor would I even let my son be involved with it…..most of it is trash.
Funny thing……
When I first went on Myspace a couple of years ago, my intent was to network and perhaps meet some new people. At that time, I had recently come to the Lord. I created my page with my interests, cars, music, movies etc….
A few months later, I was baptised in front of 5000 people, and everything changed. I was overwhelmed by the love of Jesus, and wanted to know more about Him and the Father. I was convicted to change my life and along with that, my Myspace page. I removed all the things that I had created there and started anew. I included inspirational thoughts and quotes…. images of love and compassion. I began to write blogs and post bulletins concerning healthy choices, healing and thoughts….. As with all aspects of my life, I began to transform and evolve into someone completly different then before….. through that wonderful transfirmation, something amazing happened….. people from all over the world came to me.. wrote to me.. asked for prayer and support…. at first, I was shocked… I was only a “baby” christian….but that didn’t matter to God. He was using me to spread His word and love. I can’t begin to to you how many people would write to me, telling me how a blog I wrote, ora bulletin I posted changed their thinking, or gave them inspiration in a time of trial in their life….. They would ask me how I knew they needed to read what I wrote on that particular day….. I would always write back and tell them… “I didn’t know, but God did”…. I am a vessel for Him to use to communicate his love for them….I have made many friends through Myspace… people who have lifted me up.. people who have been abused and are wise and loving and nurturing… much like it is here…..
I can honestly say, that if I hadn’t fallen prey to a sociopath, I wouldn’t have gone on Myspace…. I wouldn’t have become a christian….I wouldn’t have made “true” friends who genuinely care for me and love me, for they see Christ through me. I wouldn’t have grown, to evolve into the man that God always wanted me to be……. I am still growing, maturing and that is so exciting to me….. All of this because I fell in love with a disturbed woman………it is the proverbial making good out of bad, and God did that…. He fulfilled one of the many promises in my life.
So, on a whim, I go to Myspace.. just goofing around on the internet…. and God used it and me to create a healing place… a place to glorify Him and the virtues that God stands for………. I am always so humbled by it all, and so very thankful.
Glory be to Him,
~R~
Crown of Love at Myspace
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429
(Report abusive comment)