8 steps to recovery from the betrayal of a sociopath
PDF Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader; we’ll call her Lisa. In one short paragraph, Lisa conveyed the betrayal, rage, pain and hopelessness that we’ve all felt:
If a stranger broke into my house and stole all my valuables and then burned the rest. If I was left homeless and broke. I would be angry. I would be damaged. But I would recover. The person who did this slept in my bed and held me tight and told me he loved me every day. He told me that we were moving overseas and that everything should go. Stop paying the mortgage. Sell your furniture for cheap. Burn the rest. I did it. He disappeared with my jewelry and cash. I feel that I cannot recover. I am devastated. I am bitter. I am obsessed with my hatred and can’t smile or laugh. I need a psychiatrist. I dream of stabbing him. I am a loving and forgiving person that can’t find grace. I try to forgive and recognize my own fault. I fail. I need help with this.
Had an unknown criminal ransacked Lisa’s home, she would be justifiably outraged, and perhaps afraid for her safety. But the man who plotted and schemed to crush her was a man that she trusted, a lover who talked about their exciting future together in a faraway land.
It was cruelty beyond belief. It was the shattering of trust.
A few months back I wrote about a book called Legal Abuse Syndrome. The author, Karin Huffer, writes, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”
That is what makes these experiences so painful. We trusted someone with our hopes, our dreams, our love. That person probably spoke eloquently about trust to us, in words full of shining promise. And it was all a lie.
Now we don’t know whom we can trust. And we’re pretty sure that we cannot trust ourselves.
So how do we recover?
8 steps for recovery
Huffer provides an outline for recovery in her book. Although the steps are geared to helping people recover from the outrages of the legal system, which has a tendency to make our bad situations even worse, I think the steps are useful for anyone recovering from the betrayal of a sociopath.
1. Debriefing. That means telling someone what happened, and that person listening without judgment. This is what we try to do at Lovefraud. We all listen to your stories, and we know what you’re talking about, because we’ve all been there.
2. Grieving. Grief is usually associated with the death of a loved one. But as Huffer points out, it is legitimate to grieve the loss of possessions, or our lifestyle, or our place in the community. Sometimes well-meaning friends or relatives say, “Oh, it’s only money.” This isn’t true. As Huffer writes, “Possessions are the outward manifestations of our inner identity.” We didn’t just lose things. We lost part of ourselves.
3. Obsession. Lisa is obsessed with her hatred of the guy who violated her. Her feelings are certainly justified. The problem with obsession, however, is that it wears you out, and interferes with your ability to regain control in your life. Huffer suggests coping with obsession by compartmentalizing it—only allowing yourself to dwell in it for specific periods of time. “Schedule your way out of it,” she says.
4. Blaming. This means putting blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. We often feel guilty for allowing the situation to occur in our lives. But we have nothing to be guilty about. We were normal, caring, loving individuals who were deceived. The guilt, anger and rage needs to directed towards the person who deceived us.
5. Deshaming. Before our encounter with the predator, we had certain beliefs, such as “there’s good in everyone,” or “if someone asks me to marry him, he must really love me.” Unfortunately, the dreadful experience has taught us that some beliefs are false and need to be changed. When we do this, we also change our attitude, from “I was a fool” to “I’ve been wronged.”
6. Reframing. The first five steps of the process must be accomplished, Huffer writes, before a person can move on to reframing. At this stage, you can look at your experience, define it differently, and then articulate the wisdom you’ve gained.
7. Empowerment. At this point, you feel focused energy. You take ownership of your problems, determine how you are going to cope with them, and go into action.
8. Recovery. With recovery, you are able to move forward in your life. Sometimes recovery involves forgiveness, but Huffer says it is not necessary. It if far too early for Lisa, who wrote the e-mail quoted above, to attempt forgiveness.
The long journey
There is no expected timetable for moving through the recovery process. We all have different personal histories and face different circumstances. We’ve all had different levels of violation.
Anyone who has been targeted for destruction by a sociopath must understand that it was a profound assault, and it will take time to recover. You may slide back and forth among the stages. So be gentle on yourself, because the journey may be long. If you keep going, in the end you will find peace, built upon new depths of wisdom and understanding.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Remember the old saying “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”?
The Ps start out with the honey (charm) to lure us in, but then as soon as we have our feet tangled up in the honey, they start pouring on the vinegar!
Can you imagine how few people they would hook if they let themselves been seen as they really are early on in the relationship before we are deeply iinvested in it? Like all successful predators they have adapted to make themselves appear harmless to their victim until they are in STRIKING RANGE.
If we are going to be born as “prey animals” (which apparently we are) then it behoves us to ADAPT to be able to spot a predator who is disguised as a “charming” person. To learn the signs of a predator, their actions, their habits, and sights and sounds of the predator in disguise, otherwise, we will become DEAD PREY. Or at least wounded again.
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catherinejane3 says:
You are all so helpful & inspiring. Henry, I cried w/ your entry and discovered how far away I am from recovery. I am stuck in obsession. I thought I was done, free of the memories, the promises, the future w/ marriage, or at least together. I cannot get closure. I cannot. I worry about Blondie, where are you? Because when she writes, I feel I’m right there w/ her, although I thought I was done. When Jane writes, it’s an exact parallel & Ox, well you’re so wonderful w/ your wisdom. So here’s the dilemma: I want to know, when I see the P for the first time since our desertion what do I say to him? I really don’t know. I’m trembling w/ not knowing. Help me. It’s so true that one goes back in & out of the stages of moving on. And what if he’s w/ someone? Oh, then what? So seductive. Takingmeback your written responses are thought-provoking–I for one, do not understand how an individual can just desert someone he “loves”. I don’t get that–sometimes I hold on to that thinking that I am healthy not stupid — that’s why I don’t understand. But of late, I don’t feel emotionally healthy nor smart. It’s hot in the south and I’m feeling ‘not quite together’. Perhaps I have become DEAD PREY. The wounds aren’t healing.
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almost_free says:
Henry, that was the most fantastic quote ever! It was just what I needed to read today, as my children are off boating with my ex and his new victim. Have been divorced for 3 months, and the new woman is moving in already. The interesting thing is… she’s moving here from England just to be with him, and he moved me overseas at the beginning of our marriage for several years. He is the master at isolating his victims. It worked so well for him the first time. He wasted no time this time. She will have no family here, no friends, only him – her one and only. I’ve seen his emails… “I have never felt anything close to this before… I will be able to fall in love with you in a week.” blah, blah, blah. Exactly what I heard.
He had no interest in his children for months, and now suddenly he wants to see them more often now that she is here. They make him look good. He is such the doting father. It’s so sick.
Those of you out there with kids must know the the pain I feel in knowing that my children are seeing their father completely dupe this woman. I have no doubt she is a smart, loving, empathetic woman… which makes it even more difficult for me for my kids to spend time with her. Any advice out there on how to handle these days when my kids are with them?? They are 11 and 13. It is so painful. He is now the fun one and I am boring. Rationally, I know that is not true, but that’s what it looks like. Kids are so impressionable.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Catherine,
Yes, it is difficult, and sometimes we do lie on the floor in the fetal position feelling like we can’t get up again, that the wounds are so terrible we dont’ have the strength. AT the risk of sounding trite, “been there done that!”
When I was doing wild life photography I saw animals that were not severely wounded by a cheetha attack just lie there and not resist, they were so traumatized by the attack that though they could have gotten away from the unseasoned predator, they didn’t even try. I have since learned that this is a reflex reaction to being “contained” and it is now used with other prey-type animals (like cattle) to calm them during vaccinations etc. by “squeezing” them in a chute.
When we are so traumatized by the wounds, the feeling that we are trapped and can’t escape we are most vulnerable. It is our sense of survival that is muted.
Get angry, and fight, wiggle, scream, and don’t give up. It is only with giving up and lying there that they win! Build a raft out of anger and cross the river of pain, get away.
Don’t worry about what you will say to him. MUST you see him? If not, then don’t see him. If for legal or other reasons you must see him like in court or when he picks up your children…do the same thing I told a friend of mine who had to co-chair an international symposium with her X-P, pretend you are a QUEEN, THE QUEEN, and he is the man who cleans the toilets. Hold your head up high and BE THE QUEEN. He is beneath your notice. You are the QUEEN of your world! He is dung under your feet. You may fall apart later, but NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU BLEED. Do your bleeding here, don’t give that #$#%^ the satifaction of seeing you bleed. He does not love you, he never loved you, and seeing you bleed will only give him satisfaction that he made you hurt. If you can’t feel strong, at least ACT strong for the “performance.”
((((big hugs)))))
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takingmeback says:
catherinejane I wish I could hug you right now. I’m glad you’re sharing your pain with us and reaching out. We know what it’s like. I have gone in and out of the stages for months myself. I wish I could say that a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of the S. Those thoughts just don’t have power over me like they used to. It took time to get here. I still have a ways to go.
I know what has helped me in my recovery is my faith, this website and the wonderful words of everyone sharing their trials and triumphs, my self-guided research on S/N/Ps, therapy, medication, my professional experience and journaling my a$$ off. I have filled more notebooks than I could keep count of. With every feeling, every word I didn’t get to say, anything and everything goes. Then as soon as the notebook’s filled I throw it away. I want to get rid of all that junk inside. It is what keeps me going through the day sometimes. Drawing is another great thing no matter what your skill level. There’s serious healing in picking up a crayon and coloring book. Truthfully.
It has gotten better and I believe it gets better in time for all of us as we continue to process what’s happened. I recall being exactly where you are over and over and I was exhausted and emotionally ripped apart. I wanted it to be over and just when I’d think I was at the next stage I felt like I was right back to where I started. I still get those moments of pain every so often where I want to scream. I usually do. Then I use LF to reach out like you have today.
But those moments are becoming less and less. Please have patience with your recovery and find what nurtures you in difficult times. catherinejane, please know that the obsessing part is difficult but your mind is still trying to figure it out. Who they are and what they do does not match up to who we are in any way shape or form. Our minds gets stuck in replay mode trying to figure it all out and come to a place of peace in all this.
Don’t give up. You’re stronger than you think right now. Your healing will take time. I was not a patient person before my experience last year. This recovery has taught me to be patient. To allow myself to go through it no matter how painful.
The hardest part for me as well was to understand how someone who “loves” us can devalue and discard us. As if we never existed before. I asked my ex S that over and over. How can you say you love someone and then do….x,y or z? The answer. It’s not love. You are healthy and that’s why it is hard for you to comprehend. The painful realization that they did not truly love us is what feels the most traumatic to me. The way they come off idealizing us and then before we know it we are dropped on our heads and we don’t know why. It is not personal to them but to us it is very personal. We were the objects that were used up and discarded. That shiny new toy that once gave them such pleasure only to be replaced by another shiny new toy. That one will also be discarded in time as well.
I say that if you don’t have to see the P then don’t. If you run into him turn the other way and ignore him. If you must say something be confident and smile and then move along quickly. I remember when I saw my ex after the d&d, he accused me of being cocky. I was confident not cocky but my confidence threw him off. I had detached myself from him and he sensed it. It scared him and he actually looked paranoid. His reign over me was finished. Although he lied about it, he was with his ex-g/f again. He told me for months that they were just “friends”. This discovery hurt immensely. But I realized that she is living the same experience I did. She had already been d&d’d when I came into the picture. Then I broke up with him and he went running back. Keeps all his ex’s as friend he says. Gee I wonder why. Sadly she took him back and he’ll do it to her again. I don’t envy her. I am free. He wanted me to give him some time (about 4 months he said). He had it all planned out. He was going to give me time to heal and then come back for more. No friggin’ way! I made sure he will not come back. I choose freedom.
That’s the point catherinejane, one day you will realize you are free. You are free to be loved by someone who CAN love. You deserve that. For times that I felt weak I literally journaled over and over all the horrid things he did. All the blame he displaced on me, the lies, the twisting of my words, accusations of things I’ve never said or done. I would rewrite all of it as many times as I needed to until I got it through my head that I don’t want that. It was no longer about him not wanting me, it was about ME NOT WANTING HIM!
Please take care of yourself. You are smart and that smart brain of yours is still processing what happened. It’s a natural defense mechanism our bodies have. Give it time. One day I see you on here sharing your triumphs and helping others who are in the very spot you are in know. You are strong and brave and thank you for sharing where you’re at today. May you have some peace in the midst of your recovery and know that you are cared for.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Almost_free,
I can’t imagine how painful it must be to share your children with this psychopath and to have him “romance” them as part of his “mask of sanity.”
The only thing I can think of for you on the days the children are with him is for you to do something special for YOURSELF. Go do something fun with your friends or even by yourself. When the kids come home share your “adventures” with them and askk about their adventures with daddy and the OW. Even if it hurts.
Then it won’t be long I guess before he tires of having the kids and the “new” will wear off for the kids and it won’t all be so “exciting” for either daddy-dearest or the kids. The thing I have found about the Ps in some of these impossible situations where we can’t control it is to just let it “run its course” and sometimes they will “implode” on their own if we don’t cause a fuss.
Take care of yourself most of all, your wonderful children will definitely need you to pick up the pieces when their daddy dearest disappoints them…and that day will come if the P-mentality runs par for the course. (((hugs))))
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henry says:
catherinejane3. All I can say is, we are in the same boat and it is filling up with water. I am still trying to stay afloat. I am better, this I do know. And I think with time and living life this will pass for most of us. But yeah it sucks big time. I can sit here and think about all the horrible thing’s he did. I can evern remember sleeping with a gun and hiding my check book money etc. Came close to calling the police several times. Now you tell me why would any rational thinking person want that back? I don’t want him back. For me the big thing I realize is he is sick-very sick. He lacks’s all sense of value and concern for me. He is wired differently, to him he does not have a problem, never did, never will. In the general sense, as long as he can get away with it, he will do anything that serves his desires. I am left with a feeling of emptyness. And I resent him for not having a heart or a normal brain, he will never feel this kind of pain. And even tho he is evil- it’s not right- and I think he knows what he does and enjoys doing it….
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takingmeback says:
henry and catherinejane, I’m throwing you some oars. Come paddle over to me. With three of us together we have one to paddle and two to bail the water. I’m sure we can make it to land somewhere together! If we get everyone else to tote along we can find dry land, take our boats and built a ship. Then we can sail away from all the Ps, find a deserted island and start over.
Yeah, I can still dream. Take that Mr. S! I have my peace, my joy and my quirky sense of humor. Ha!
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takingmeback says:
OK, so my grammar is still off….we can build, not built, a ship But hey I’m OK with that. LOL
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southernman429 says:
catherinejane3. I feel your pain…. your story is like mine… like all of ours….. we were someone’s treasure, then we found ourselves sitting on the curb… no closure… nothing… just memories both good and bad, and the good ones are tainted… it doesn’t make sense and it never will….. I have re-lived it over and over, backwards, forwards, upside down, sideways and I always come to the same conclusion……nothing I could have done or said would have made any difference… it was them and not us…. it’s what they do, and they do it very well…..the only comfort you will ever get is that in your heart you know you did the best you could, considering the deck was stacked against you…. even at the first meeting with them….. we never stood a chance…..
So….since there is no chance at making their wrong right, we must then focus on our healing and making us right….I know….easier said then done…. I still obsess… and that has proved to be the hardest to get through….. I do lean upon my faith to get me through those days when my thoughts are consumed by her, and what I thought I had.. but when those days come, I try to think of bible verses that will lift me up… one of them is this……..
Philippians 4:8 niv
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.
We all know here that our socio’s were never, nor capable of such virtures… and in that despite what we were told, or believe about ourselves, we do, in fact deserve such a virtuous person as a partner…. but.. we must heal from this horrific wound before we can truly be in a healthy relationship………..so.. my friend, be gentle and kind with yourself.. give yourself time….learn about you.. embrace you, learn to love you……and although the wound is deep and doesn’t seem to heal, it is… but it will take much time and nursing…….choosing to be healthy, and then implamenting that choice in everyday of your life requires commentment, perserverence, and intestinal strength…….Think of it as a challenge…. a contest in sorts, where you are determinded to come out on top, no matter what is thrown your way…. and when you have those dark days, where the pain bites at your soul, and your tears are your only friend, come here….. write out and express your pain, your fears…. we are all here because we care for each other and we UNDERSTAND…..we all have thought we have got over certain things, only to have had a “trigger”, and find ourselves two steps back… and as discouraging as that may be on the outside, in truth, that’s the way healing is….. two steps back, one step forward, and maybe even one step back, and five forward…..never underestimate the damage that a sociopath can do to a person…the pain and sorrow is worse then losing someone to death… I personally know this to be a fact…..
So, catherinejane3…. welcome to our community of survivors… and yes, we are survivors, and much more then that.. we are VICTORS……and in the future, if you were to ever “bump” into your socio, hold your head high, and never forget that you are the light and love… you are truth…. He is the lie, and always will be…… I repeat..ALWAYS WILL BE.
~R~
http://www.myspace.com/southernman429
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Lib says:
Beverly,
No, I didn’t read that post, but you are right about synchronicity. I have encountered so many questionable people in the last two years. I don’t know why the cosmos feel I need this lesson, but I am learning from all of this.
Henry,
No, I didn’t read the post you mentioned either. I have a difficult time keeping up with all the posts on all the threads and get lost or distracted easily. Your comment made me laugh out loud though. Thanks.
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blondie says:
Hey Catherinejane
Im doing pretty good. it made me smile knowing that someone was thinking about me. everyday is a new day. ive been doing pretty well the last couple days. i know that god has a plan for me. everything happens for a reason, when its time i will meet someone special. i hope your doing well. some days i miss him and wondering what he is doing, but then i think back to all the bad things that he did to me, and all the issues im not dealing with anymore. my life has returned to the simple life i had before i met him. i can think again, my life is calm, i feel more calm and my life is not choas. im still feeling lonely, and im still adjusting to life without him, but i will get there. today im feeling postive, but im sure i will have bad days still.
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henry says:
Blondie I am so glad that you are doing better. It is good to know…Southernman- you are a good guy – thanks for your post. Ok this sound’s stupid, but will somebody garuntee me that he won’t stay with the new guy?
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southernman429 says:
Henry………
When the suppy runs out, or he gets bored, he’ll move on…. it’s as predetermined as the sun rising in the morning.
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rperk6069 says:
Henry-not stupid at all. Can you guarantee me that it will rain tomorrow? And you know I think you are great, but why the hell do you care? He is a skank. So is his new man.(I do know how you feel tho.) Rita
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henry says:
thanks i need that…:)
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henry says:
thanks perky i love the word (skank) and thanks for showing me how to spell guarantee. I wasnt going to tell anyone this but you know me (mouth from the south), I have been posting some things in a gay website that I know he checks daily. Never used his name, But I want him exsposed. I just post things similar too what we talk about here. I know it makes me look crazy but I dont care…it felt good
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southernman429 says:
Saw this on my Myspace bulletins… thought I’d pass this along here.. I hope that is ok Donna………______________________________________
Ways to Calm an Anxious Spirit
by Phylameana lila Desy
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1) Quiet Your Breathing
Observe Changes In Your Breathing – Whenever you are feeling the least bit anxious or nervous try to take notice of any changes in your breathing… Stress can cause hyperventilation (over-breathing). Quiet any rapid paced breaths by replacing them with steady and slow breaths… A daily meditation practice is helpful for maintaining healthy breathing and is also a good preventative measure for repressing anxieties… Breathing Affirmation
2) Give Your Mind a Time Out
Clear Your Mind from Troubling Thoughts – Any time you are feeling anxious or suffering mentally it is helpful to temporarily clear your mind of all thoughts that are upsetting you. It is simply not healthy to focus on your problems 24/7… Guided visualizations are excellent mental escapes that can help you to switch your focus away from anything that is troubling you. Picture yourself in a special dream sequence where you can relax and recoup your coping skills. Choose an ocean view, desert oasis, or garden path… Guided Meditation
3) Pamper Yourself
Pamper Your Mind, Body and Spirit – Remove yourself from the chaos and give yourself some quality alone time… Lock yourself in the bathroom and take that much needed soak in the tub… A bubble bath is your ticket to serenity. Enjoying a rejuvenating soak is just one of several ways you can pamper yourself. Try taking a solitary walk in the park, or curling up on the sofa and reading an entertaining novel… Me Time
4) Slow Down Your Responses
Get Your Ducks in a Row Before Reacting – Everyone has made the mistake of being over-the top reactive at one time or another. We compound our conflicts by responding without getting all the facts first. When it seems that the whole world is out to get you and you feel like lashing out right away… Wait! The situation at hand probably does call for a response of some kind, but please slow down your response. You’ll handle a trying situation in a calmer state, and come to a resolution sooner if you take time to fully assess the situation. Get all your ducks in a row before you decide on a response…
5) Create Boundaries
Keep Your Distance from Others – You may need to step back and create some distance between yourself and anyone who is making you feel anxious. It is important to pull back from others when you are feeling overwhelmed so that you are able to reserve your energies. Having protective boundaries in place can also give you a different perspective in order to help you more fully understand and better cope with difficult situations… Are Your Energy Boundaries Blurred?
6) Nurture Your Inner Child
Be a Loving Parent to Your Inner Child – Oftentimes when we, as adults, are experiencing situations that make us feel anxious or powerless our thoughts will turn to memories from our childhoods when we experienced fear or loneliness. When children feel small and helpless they look to their parents or guardian for protection… Take a moment to be a caring and loving parent to your inner child. Let her (or him) know that you will get the two of you through this rough period. Give yourself a hug. Don’t feel silly. You know you want to, go ahead, just do it… Soothing Your Inner Child
7) Hush That Critical Voice
Hush That Critical Voice Inside Your Head – Sadly, we can be our own worst enemies. Don’t berate yourself for not being able to meet your goals or falling short in some way. You’re doing the best you can. Just relax. Refuse to listen to that critical voice inside your head that says you’re not good enough. Resolve to transform any nagging words into praise for those things that you have accomplished. You’re doing just fine… Affirm yourself daily You are PERFECT!… Cultivate the Positive!
It is OK to Ask for Help – Trying to take care of everything all alone can make anyone feel anxious, not to mention exhausted. It can be more of a struggle never asking for a hand than you might have realized. Seek out that soft shoulder to lean on and give yourself a rest…
9) Take a Spiritual Retreat
Treat Your Spirit to a Spiritual Retreat – Taking a few minutes out of your hectic day for a mental reprieve or taking a half-hour bubble bath each evening are good stress relievers… But they are probably simply not going to be sufficient for easing those larger anxieties that are slowly eating you up inside. Everyone needs a change of pace to help bring balance to their lives. You may need to take an extended vacation from work, or feel you need go off by yourself away from family members for a few days to find solace. Whereas an ordinary vacation can bring about its own stresses, a spiritual retreat feeds the spirit. You’ll come home refreshed and more readily able to face your day-do-day stresses… Worldwide Sacred Places
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newworld view says:
i hope, henry, that he doesnt know its you posting…cause if he can guess so you are just giving him great satisfaction and supply…..not sure how this counts in the no contact area
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newworld view says:
dont mean to sound so harsh…..its either that or a cast iron skilet….gentlemans choice..lol
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henry says:
nw you are right – and I can see Oxy lookin for that skillit – your right I know your right – i will just blog here – you good folks understand – like Perky says why do I care? I really don’t..hmm maybe it’s male menopause….
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takingmeback says:
Warning: Sorry guys here’s another novel. It was just burning to get out! I call it “The Pain the Ps Feel”. Hey I figure I should start giving them titles. Then you can decide if you want to read it or not LOL.
I can’t attest to exactly what the Ps feel but I do believe they feel pain. Pain for themselves but not pain for others. These folks have no concept of self. They are dependent on others’ goodwill to get any sense of who they are. I believe that most of them are paranoid because of this dependency. They are always on guard assessing their relationships in fear that they will be abandoned and left with themelves and the real void of having no true “self”.
I watched my ex recoil in terror as if he were truly afraid of me when I’d hold him accountable and question his behavior. I relentlessly reflected back to him what he was showing me. I could not understand him or why he didn’t take accountability and do something. This was not the man I fell in love with. Boy was that the truth.
I realize that he is afraid of me. I know who he is and last year I held a mirror up for him to see himself. He had no other source of supply and I was given a gift to be able to hear his own description of himself. Seeing the depression set in, witnessing the rage, watching the horror unfold. He later said I was dangerous and trying to make him homicidal. No actually I fell for his pity ploy and the therapist that I am was reflecting to him what he was doing. I was trying to understand him. That is a threat to any P. He felt I was trying to control him I’m sure. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I would have run in the other direction! But he is afraid of me because he sees himself in me. His failure and who I reflected back to him regarding himself.
I believe it is true that alone they are nothing and they feel pain. Intense, real pain. So they adapt by constantly seeking out others who have what they don’t have. My ex said he only felt “normal” around people he had no attachment to. Only his attachment to others is not like ours. It is one in which he tries to gain ownership and control. If the Ps source is threatened and they sense they’re losing control of us they find someone else and then discard us. There’s usually another victim identified or already there. Most are unfaithful and that’s because being with others, many others, is a power play for them. It fills them up with more supply. Only they are bottomless pits and can never get enough. You can’t become who you are from the outside in. It happens from the inside out. From our souls…the core of who we are.
Their lack of empathy makes them deplorable and there is no way to possibly excuse their behavior. But there is a reason for it. We won’t ever fully understand because we are blessed to be “normal” in the sense that we have a concept of our “self” and for me this is my soul not a mangled mess of an ego. We don’t need others to reflect to us who we are 24/7. The Ps need positive acceptance to ward off their inner feeling of shame and their anger towards themselves. If we are not constantly showing them that smiling face and accepting everything they do, be it good or bad, we pay for it. If we are not giving them our attention when they want it and how they want it, we pay for it.
Many articles I’ve read state that Ps think everyone else is like them. I don’t agree. Maybe some do but my ex knew he was different. I think knowing that they are different makes them spiteful at times and resentful towards all of us who can love, forgive, empathize and be everything they aren’t. They hate being dependent but they are. So they punish us for that too. However, I believe that they are all Borderline in a way. Borderline developed it’s name because that personality disorder is borderline psychotic. I believe Ps become delusional and/or dissociate as if having multiple personalities. As soon as my ex spoke those very honest words about himself he turned them around and contradicted himself and projected them onto me. He can’t accept who he is so easier to say it’s someone else to preserve any sense of “sanity” he has. However, this is not reality. It is here that they clearly disengage from reality to protect themselves.
In his mind, my ex S must always be seen as the victim and the one without flaws. He said talking to me made him feel insane. LOL I bet it did. But all I showed him was reality. I believe that Ps seeing themselves for who they truly are evokes that feeling of insanity. So they grasp onto what others can project onto them that is good and in turn they project back to others what is bad about them. Those who do not YET know who they truly are provide the good. Like we did for them when we first met them. But in their bottomless pits it will never be enough and so when the ugliness starts creeping up inside they project it onto us. Basically every nasty thing they’ve ever said or done to us is who they are, not us. They want us to believe it is us and perhaps in their distorted reality they convince themselves this is so. But it’s not.
It is a distorted inner world that they exist in. But do they feel pain? Yeah. I believe they do and that’s why they do what they do. As my ex said, he will always be miserable. He is right. He will. But thankfully I don’t have to be miserable with him. I will get past this pain. I have the ability to do it. He will exist in it forever being a victim to the world. My locus of control comes from within and from God. His is external. He believes he is subject to the world and all it throws at him so he tries to control everything in a pathological manner. It will never satifsy him and he will be imprisoned in his misery forever dependent on other people. As we know people will always let us down one way or another because we are fallible humans. It is not with intent, it just is. Which is why we are saved at having a sense of who we are. We can forgive others for their flaws and mistakes and still love them. That is because we accept ourselves and our own flaws and admit that we make mistakes. Ps don’t forgive others and I don’t believe they forgive themselves. My ex S said he felt shame if he hurt me. He, “should have known better in the first place”. He messed up his own game and the world he created where he was perfect. Me pointing that out was a huge injury. So he retaliated to get even for that bad feeling. Am I making sense?
I consider the pain I’m experiencing in my recovery to be similar to the pain they experience if forced to look at themselves in the mirror. Is it not traumatic? Does it not make us feel that we are losing our mind sometimes? Did we not exit that relationship thinking we were the crazy ones? Do we not feel abandoned and betrayed? Have we not felt used up, abused and discarded? I think if left alone they do too. Be it from their distorted, insatiable ego or ego defenses developed from past abuse, I think a lot of them feel this way. Which is why they don’t sit it with it for long. Without empathy they can leave us behind, put that mask back on and start the hunt again until they find someone who will tell them how wonderful they are. The P will idealize the new prey and start the game all over again. But they will never find rest. They will always be waiting for the rejection so they will do what they can to control and dominate their objects/people so they stay within their grasp. Or they move on.
Looking back at that all I can say is “nah, no thanks.” As my ex S said, he’s always loved that I was independent and didn’t take sh– from anybody. What in the h-e-double hockey sticks was he thinking being with me? LOL I am relentless sometimes and especially when it comes down to the truth. Now what is the motto for the organization he did so much volunteering for? The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society he supported after his late wife died of Leukemia. Yeah, the woman he never had a kind word for. Oh, that’s right. Their motto is RELENTLESS. Thank you! That I am. Is it any wonder that my real name means “warrior”? LOL
In conclusion…no I’m just kidding. I’m done. I don’t know if this description helps anyone at all. I realize it’s coming from my perspective as I’ve tried to make sense of everything from research and experience. Thought I’d throw it out there in case it helps anyone.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
If you are guilty Henry, I am guilty too. I made a profile on his favorite chat site and posted the url’s of the two sites where I reported him in plain site on my page. He hasn’t looked at it but I don’t want him too anyway. It just feels good to be stepping out in his territory, or something.
And about the new guy.. god I understand. His new lady is 14 years older than him and a sweet person by all accounts. I wonder how much he’s going to take her for? Sigh.
Henry even if it lasts ten years it will burn out eventually and you will not believe the fallout when it does. Don’t even worry about “them” if laughing at you is part of the sick thrill, let em. You will have the last laugh because you are a worthwhile human being, while they are useless abusive sh””ts.
Henry when the time is right, if you want to, arm yourself with all your new knowledge and safeguards and truly search for a good man. After all, if King Henry is out there, why not Prince Charming?
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henry says:
Kat Thanks – I know it won’t accomplish a thing if I post. He will just laugh and think I am crazy. I will follow New Worlds advice. I should just be so happy he is gone. I am beginning to relate to what Eyesopened said. Maybe I am spending too much time here in LF and this keeps me reliving the past. This is just such a great place to vent and share thoughts. But maybe I should move on…..?
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henry says:
seriously This (new guy) I am glad Mike is his problem and not mine……Your right Kat- I need to give it some time and look for a GOOD man
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
yeah I think this place is a good place but it can feel like a hospital sometimes. and heck yeah we sure don’t want to think about it every day. But I’m going to keep checking back here, because there are always new people hurting. It’s like we are all climbing a mountain, and the ones who are higher up have to help the ones lower down. God, Henry this place wouldn’t be the same without you I hope you don’t move on entirely, even though of course I hope you move on emotionally and all that jazz.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
I am wwearing out my oven door getting the skillet out and putting it back, Henry, but I do think that the chat posts that are “anti-mike” are a backwards “contact’” and almost stalking. It will give him satisfaction to know that you are thinking about him, even HATE is better for them than NO NOTICE. They hate being IGNORED. Ignoring them, i.e. NO CONTACT, no reaction, no response is like grilling them over a slow fire. It eats them up.
Also, Henry, I don’t know how long Mike will stay with the new guy, but number one, it “aint love” and number two, it won’t last too long, only until his new partner gets tired of him and then Mike will be back on the street again. Just repeat that story until Mike gets to the point that he can’t be so “charming and sexy” and can’t find anyone to take him in, then he winds up in a shelter some where or living under a bridge. It doesn’t take a “card reader” to predict Mike’s future. Either that or he gets AIDS from one of his partners and dies in a shelter. He will bring his own “vengence” upon his own head, you don’t have to worry about that. HE WILL DO IT TO HIMSELF.
Takingmeback,
I totally agree with your “novel” I do think they feel pain, and also rage, when someone else doesn’t “fix” their pain. I also think that at least some of them know they are “different” though some also think that everyone is like them, so they function under the “doo doo rule” (instead of the Golden Rule) by “doing unto others BEFORE THEY DO UNTO YOU”
I think my XBF-P knew that I (and other women) had something he wanted, but wasn’t sure what is (love) and he kept hoping that with each new woman he would find “it” (whatever “it” was) but after the initial blushing hormonal rush of a new conquest, he realized that he hadn’t found it—and became angry and frustrated, of course blaming the new woman for not giving “it” to him.
He was intense on keeping up his “mask” and what others thought of him. Pretending to be “financially well off” (he was okay, but not “wealthy”) but he wanted to appear generous and well thought o f in the community. That is why he picked me, because he needed a “respectable wife” to appear like he wanted to to the community. He was very impressed with the fact that I am highly thought of in my community, and that people recognize me and show respect for me. He commented on that several times. His X-wife was well thought of in her community and when she kicked him out, he lost the respect that went with being her husband. Also, his former community knew he was a cheat and that she had discarded him.
He also wanted to use his “marriage” to a “respectable wife” as a barrier between him and his “harem” of GFs wanting to pressure him for a committment to them. Just like he did with his previous “respectable wife.”
And you know what, my X-BF-P will die an old man, alone in a VA nursing home because his only son is just like him, his X wife doesn’t give a flip for him, and no one else will either. He loves no one, and he is at a point now where no one loves him either. He may be able to “fool” a new GF or two or possibly even find another “respectable wife” but I doubt that even that will last very long. He’s too hateful and nasty, and as he kills more and more brain cells with his “secret” drinking even his mind will start to deteriorate.
They bring down their own “punishment” eventually on themselves by destroying relationships with their narcissism. They can’t maintain the “mask” 24/7 and 365 days a year forever. They are their own worst enemies. We don’t have to seek revenge on them, they do it to themselves eventually.
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henry says:
It’s 107 here today–OXY– I went to my theripist this morning, was the best session so far. She understand’s that unless one has experienced this kind of trauma that they can not completely relate. I have told her about LF and she say’s I should continue to come here, because 1 she see’s so much improvement in me 2. coming here (normalizes) the pain because all of us have been through the same meat grinder so to say. 3 she has referred patient’s to this website because of me and they have reported back that it has helped. So if there are any people in the oklahoma city area that would like to talk, please do. And she say’s I need to fix my( picker) learn not to continue with the same patterns. And I was trained very well to a fixer (by my mother). And trying to fix people is a very dangerous business. So I am going to take a different approach in meeting men, get more involved in social function
s maybe take a gardening related class and attend a few (gay friendly) church’s. I do have to fix my (picker), it has been broken all my life. Anyway I thought that was funny when she said I need to fix my picker…..Also she said- It is amazing what bad people make good people do. I have a good feeling today (progress) and their is no time table on getting (through pain) but as long as I am progressing that is good. And you are right about Mike-no more post- the no contact is the way to go, he will eventually be a page in my history………..
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newworld view says:
doo deal henry…today was a good day for me too…and i like her ideas…wish there was a gardening class we could go to with all the lf gang…how great would that be……to me lf doesnt seem like a hospital (i make hospital rounds all day) it is more like a coffee shop with good pals….who stop by and share their ups and downs…..i really enjoy everyone here….a safe place to belong……now let oxy use that skillet for some okra or biscuits……im in south fl, so no one here even knows what they are lol
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newworld view says:
oops that was supposed to start with good deal henry
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OxDrover says:
Dear NWV,
When I lived in Florida in the 80s I had to have my mother bring me baking powder and corn meal to make corn bread, I couldn’t find the “right” ingredients anywhere in the metro-dade area. Her luggage got lost on the flight down and the guy asked her what was in it, and she said 50 pounds of corn meal! LOL She did get it back! I had enough to last me til we moved back to CIVILIZATION! LOL
Now I have my own corn meal grinder and make my own whole grain corn meal for my bread! YUM! In fact, I am going to “make” some dog food today for my little dog who just doesn’t like dry dog food of any kind. I put down a horse in Mrach and saved the meat for the dogs, so will cook him some meat, put through the food processor, and then cook corn meal mush (if you look on the dog food ingredients it is mainly corn meal) and then add some packaged gravy mix and wa-la, custom made dog food that I hope is to the taste of the little spoiled rat! LOL
You know, one of the silly things I have noticed lately is that I am finding the energy (EVEN IN THIS HEAT of >100degrees) to DO THINGS—that save money, or that are “nice” for someone, or nice for me—and since it never tookk much to “amuse me” it is like I am living in paradise.
Son C called me today and talked for over an hour, just ’cause he wanted to talk to mama! WOW! When for almost 8 years he avoided me while he was married to the WITCH-P Now, Mom has gotten so smart and he loves to just chat with me about notihng in particular, just chat.
It is amazing what having the Ps (ALL OF THEM, THANK YOU JESUS!) out of our lives does for the rest of our relationships. We are not totally DE-energized by the stress, the crazymaking, and all the crap that our brains focus on instead of the GOOD things, even the simple things in our lives.
Son D got canceled off of federal jury duty today, so he is redoing my old computer for a really bright 5 yr old, the son of a friend of ours who has always “Picked” Ps as well–the boy’s father is in prison for a LONG TIME, so is out of her life, but she is so lonely she keeps on picking Ps–her picker is broken too, Henry. But the ONE thing she does do is she loves that little boy and gives him all she has to give. He is SOOOO very bright, and I think my old computer is just right for his first one. Got to wipe the hard drive off of data though, but that’s no big deal. Been intending to do this for 6 months or so but with all the emotional upheavels we just haven’t had the energy before now, but energy coming back does all kinds of good things for us and for others as well.
The total depletion of our ENERGY and our POWER which they take away from us, totally demoralizes us. PUts us flat on the emotional floor. Getting that energy back is the BEST thing I think has happened to me. It almost makes me feel “manic” because for so long I have been totally depleted, so egocentric I couldn’t focus on anything outside of myself and my own pain.
I was recently contacted by a former Love Fraud blogger who no longer posts here, she got my private e mail through a “mutual friend” (it IS A SMALL WORLD) who recognized enough of the details about me to figure out who I was. She has been e mailing me privately, which is fine. If not, I would have blocked her. But she is so STUCK in the anger and revenge-wanting stage, that all her energy is from the anger.
Anger I think is a motivator to get up off our butts and DO someting, but if we get stuck in that mode, stuck in the DETAILS of how those people “screwed, blued, and tattoo’d” us and we never let go of that ANGER—it may keep us “up” and energized, but for the LONG TERM that anger has to go for us to really start to heal.
I was so focused so long on the DETAILS of my P’s “plot” which did sound like a bad novel’s plot (and I think most of you can relate to the “bad novel” part) that it was almost unbelieveable even to me. I focused on finding out every word they had said, every move that they had made, every thought they had had, etc. so that I wasn’t really focusing on my own healing.
Sure, each of us deserves to be HEARD, to TELL OUR STORY, but if we STAY in that “stage” where we just retell it over and over and over and VENT AND VENT and VENT some more we don’t move on to getting “over” it and starting the healing of ourselves.
We may also get stuck (like Henry did –I’m picking on you again BRo! ((hugs))—in the beating ourselves up stage—and God knows that I DID THAT TOO, we don’t move on.
We may do anger, self beating, sad, self beating and anger again, and flip flop, but when we get stuck in ANY ONE stage for “ever” I think we need to reassess where we are going with this and what are we getting out of it. For me, I think the “self beating” for “being so stupid” was validation for my own low self esteem—doing the beating of myself that my mother had instilled in me as a child. Etc.
If we STAY stuck in any one “stage” I think some how we may be getting some dysfunctional “validation” for something we need to fix in ourselves. It may simply be a painful stage that we have come to accept as “normal” because we were trained that “that is life.” Like I said to Bev, it never occured to me that the way my mother treated me wasn’t “love.” Sheesh! I accepted that as “normal” when it was surely anything except “normal” or “good.”
Chime in here Takeingmeback, I bet you have some good insight into this subject! You too NWV.
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newworld view says:
wow…i used to always want some of what my mom was making for her special dogs they got the best…you just reminded me of that……….oh and ive since learned there is a cornmeal called martha white thatll do in a pinch
one of the docs i work with cant have dairy and asked me to make eggplant parm for a party sat nite…..using soy cheese……yuck it wont even melt….so i just returned from whole foods and am going to experiment with rice cheese mozzarella……wish me luck…..oh dont worry im going to make the REAL stuff, for the rest of us
yes, i vascillate back and forth between stages…..i am fighting that by just trying to stay in the present moment
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OxDrover says:
I think part of my “problem” with my “picker” (not just in men cause Ii never stayed stuck with a P until after my husband died and then that was for less than a year) is that I kept gaging my responses to them (the Ps) from “what would mother have me do” point of view. Of course, since she was the ENABLER to end all enablers—this of course meant to swallow the hurt and then try to “fix” them, and “pretend that whatever they did didn’t happen.”
Heck if you can stand the pain, you can stay with ANY abuser that way! LOL Every time they bruise their “fists” beating you down, you just get right back up and make an ice pack for their POOR BRUISED KNUCKLES–the poor babies have such wounds on their hands from hitting them against your hard old jaw! WAAAHHH! Don’t you feel their pain! NOT!!!
Now that I no longer care what “mommie would do” I realize I don’t need that validation for my actions any more. It does help to focus on what is logical and right rather than living my life to meet someone else’s standards.
I measure my “standards” against society’s and God’s laws, and not against what anyone else has to say. That doesn’t mean that my mother never gave me any good advice, sometimes she did, but it was just because it didn’t happen to conflict with her “enabling” mentality. I also realize that her enabling mentality was trained into her from birth because of the family and the culture and the times and place that she lived. The fact that she accepted it totally without examining it or choosing to change it is HER responsibility though. That doesn’t make her any less TOXIC to my mental health and my life though.
I grew up in much the same environment with the same training to be an enabler and I broke out of the mold somehow, so ultimately, she also had a choice and chose NOT to. For that I am genuinely sorry, but it doesn’t mean that I can fix her, or change the way things are NOW. I’ve got to play the cards that I was dealt that are in my hand NOW, and they don’t include playing with her marked deck! I would only continue to lose my shirt!
Right now, today, I feel empowered, strong, and satisfied with the way I am progressing—tomorrow I may be back on my knees—but one thing I do know is that if I do fall down and bump my knees or my noggin, I will and I can GET BACK UP!
I’ve finally come to the point at least that there is HOPE FOR TOMORROW TO BE BETTER even if today sucks! You guys are so awesome! Someone the other day, I forget who said that even if our separate canoes are taking on water, we have grouped together to help each other bail, and that we can put our canoes together and build a “ship” to save us all, and that is so true! I’ll bring the hammer and nails!
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newworld view says:
yes the one lesson i have learned is how strong i really am…believe it or not i can survive anything, if this
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blondie says:
i have a comment or question, which ever way you want to put it. everytime i speak to my ex about business either by email or phone, which i try not to do by phone. but he turns it into the relationship talk, or he will end his email by saying how can you get over me so fast????? what is hell is that????
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Hi everyone. I’m trying to read your posts and be my old self, but I can’t. I failed miserably at NC today. I was contacted by not only my ex-cheater bf but also his new woman. I don’t really know how she figured out how to write me, but it was on a site where friends of friends of friends etc can write each other. It took me a while to figure it out but I blocked them both.
Meanwhile I continue to be uneasy, my hands are still shaking after many hours of trying to relax, my heart will not stop pounding. Help guys, I’m so miserable, and I fear what they are plotting. I guess what happened is they found my post at dontdatehimgirl and are very angry about it. It’s just like Henry’s ex ganging up with his new man to taunt Henry. They have written to me how great they are together, how much better she is than me, how I just don’t understand him blah blah.
I know I should have just blocked them but I answered some of the stuff first in an assertive way. It did NOT make me feel better, I am going over and over in my mind if I gave them any info or ammunition.
Henry you are right, the computers belong in the lake. But I have also found you peeps online, so I think I’ll keep mine for now. But all dating, meeting, networking or w/e sites are gone from my life except one, and I can see that one has to go as well.
Blondie.. I will tell you one thing, the only reason he is still talking like that is he thinks he can get something out of you still and make a fool out of you again. How can you get over him “so fast”, if only he knew how much you miss and long for the man he pretended to be. He is missing something dear, sex, maybe, a home, something. Don’t take him back, he’ll be right back to cheating on you shortly and hurt you all over again.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Blondie,
Kat is right, dear, he is trying to make you “feel guilty” and put you on the defensive—I wish you WERE over him “so fast” but you are the one that is hurting, NOT HIM.
If you MUST e mail with him for business then I would “set a boundary” for EXAMPLE:
“John, I realize divorce is a difficult thing and that we hve to finalize our business. I prefer to do it by e mail not telephone, so please do not call me. I will not answer.
Secondly, I will NOT discuss our relationship in any way, form or fashion. This is all very difficult for me and I assume for you as well, so please, let’s make this as civil as possible. I will keep the e mails to business ONLY.”
Then, stick to the “boundary” you set, whatever it is. If he insists on stepping over the boundary I would warn him one time. For example:
John, I made myself clear that I will not discuss our relationship, only the business necessary to finalize the divorce. You have not respected my requests, so let me make myself perfectly clear, if you do not honor the boundaries I have set and continue to call me and try to discuss our relationshp I will be forced to let my attorney handle all communications. This is NON negotiable.
I would also be careful toword any bondaries so there is no “challenge” in there, So I left out any mentions of “this is your only warning” or something like that to “challenge” him to see if you are meaning what you say. But whatever boundary you set for him, I advise you to absolutely stick to it, do not back off an inch. This is one of those things where if you give them an inch they will take a mile. Good luck, Blondie.
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blondie says:
thanks everyone….i have a few guy friends that i had before the ex. i dont know if im not opening myself up to people. but its like i miss male company, but i dont even want to hang out with guys alone, bc i know they are not the guys for me, and i dont want it to turn into something like that, so i just stay alone with myself.
ps…my x said he has changed, and im not giving him the chance to show me that he has changed. im not around to see that he has made changes..ha
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henry says:
I cant believe the (S) they leave us for someone else and then they are surprised and confused when we don’t want to have sex with them or talk to them. duh!!!
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almost_free says:
takingmeback, loved your “novel”! My ex’s world is so distorted, it continues to confuse me when I think about everything he’s done and said. I get the feeling that my ex is also afraid of me now. He hates to look at me, as he knows I know who he is. I am one of the few.
He was unfaithful the entire 13 year marriage. And now, 3 months after the divorce his newest victim is moving in with him. He needs her to tell him how wonderful he is. She worked directly for him when they met, so this power he had over her must have felt wonderful for him. Now he’s really got her as she’s moving from London for him. I can just imagine how she thinks she’s found her soulmate, the one for her. I tried to warn her – she, of course, thinks I am the crazy one. I did feel pity for her, but not anymore. She’s going to have to learn the hard way just like I did.
I saw the multiple personalities in him. He was so good, I figured all along there must be something wrong with me. But, thank God I now know he has been the disordered one all along. He couldn’t wait to tell his children about this woman moving in. In his crazy world. he thinks they care, that they will share in his excitement. All they see is someone acting “not normal”, in their words. “Why can’t he be normal?” they ask me. I tell them I don’t know.
When you are not a disordered person, when you are sane, it gets so confusing trying to make sense of what’s happened to you. How someone could devalue and discard you, how someone could try to steal your best qualities from you, mimic your behavior as they don’t know how to live on their own. It’s all so strange, as we know who we are, we have a defined sense of self. I thought everyone did.
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almost_free says:
OxD – thanks for the advice on the kids when they spend time with the ex and his new woman. It will run its course and the excitement will wear off. Their father has already been such a disappointment for them, it will only get worse, I am sure.
It is still painful for me of course, that he wants this idiot woman to take my place when I am not there. That will never happen, I know. My kids are too wise at this point to be conned by their father. But, they are still kids, and of course, will want to have fun with this woman.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Almost_free,
I know it must be painful to feel “replaced” but it isn’t the poor woman’s fault, I am sure she thinks al this “pretense” is real. Hopefully at least she will be nice to your children–unlike their father! Kids are pretty smart and they will catch on soon enough, and before too long he will be making that poor woman miserable. I hope she catches on sooner rather than later for her sake. (((hugs))))
You just take these opportunities for “you time” and get out and have some fun for yourself!
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Brokenup says:
Swallow,
Such a lovely comment and so true. Sex! Wow… but you know what? I have now learnt to see my X like a Russian Doll. The part that I loved and trusted and thought was real does not exist from the outside. It is inside, only for us to have experienced and now put back away, never to be seen or felt again. That way i see him as he really is, all the things that are in this blog, a liar a cheat, a fraudster, a sex- mad, prostitute loving, low down mean arrogant LIAR. I cant BELIEVE the lies he told… even with evidence, some even photographic, to prove it. Hell, … keep that inside bit right where it belongs.. locked away and safe from harming us/me and never ever be tempted to try and look at it again. Theres’ good’ in everyone, but those that are TRULY good show it outside all the time, not hidden away for their selective and seductive use when and wherever they want to use it. Dont know if that makes sense, but its helped me to see it like that, and when i get so lonely and hungry for a man, I just dream about being with someone I know, then I get all the pleasure and none of the pain, and neither does anyone else! I hope one day, someone else will fill that space, and that it will be even better because they will be for REAL and not a calculating, split level devious ‘doll’!
Almost a year on and still I get moments of weakness, and how tragic it is that the only way we can hold onto our sanity and safety is to think of all the EVIL that they did to us, remember the lies and the whores in the marital bed, the e-mails from strange women he thought you hadnt seen , the pornographic websites, the phone-sex, YUCK… makes me feel cheap and dirty, but I know Im not..its HIM, and I must ALWAYS remember THAT… NOT the good bits. Alas, to do so is to allow him to win, and that must NEVER happen. What a waste of life….but a small price to pay for the day our REAL man comes to get us!
And we must live for that day….
Not for those that have been.
I have even given up pitying his next victim, she will find out soon enough, then realize that the reasons I left were totally different from what he told her, and when he steals her money, and cheats on her, she will wish she had known better, and as she is foreign, speaks very little English and is widowed with 2 kids( and money) she will be in even more of a mess than I was. She wont have the choices or chances I did to get away, because he will no doubt marry her to make it look even more ‘good’ of him!! Perhaps by some stroke of luck she will find Lovefraud and get ‘saved by the Blog’!
Hugs and hope to you and everyone..
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blondie says:
even though its been almost two months. it feels like we have been broken up forever. i feel so much better just with him not around. does anyone know that feeling? my brain can think straight, im not dealing with the daily drama of him. even though my heart is no where healed, i feel better about me, my sprirt is better then when i was with him. ive gotten used to him not being around, but i really miss having a man around. i miss having a relationship. everyday im slowly rebuilding my life.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Hey Blondie keep it up. I was dumb and had some contact this week and am now suffering for it inside.
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henry says:
Thinking out loud again…I am 53 years. Have alway’s subconsciencely wanted a tattoo. But because of society’s stigma attached too them, and not knowing what I would want permanatley put on my body I have resisted. I now have an idea, something I am working on in my mind. It will be an arm band, something that will express my deep affection for this website and the soul’s that have touched my soul. Only here do we begin to heal – and start living your own truth…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
It is your body and you can do what you want with it, okay, now I have said that. (oven door opening)
Tattoos are a huge risk of hepatitis C. I a search of the literature on the research on the number of people with Hep C and there is a strong correlation between tattoos and Hep C. Which is just as fatal as HIV/AIDS.
IF you MUST get a tattoo, please, go buy your own tattoo gun (and they are NOT cheap) and buy your own inks and take them to the person doing the tattoo.
When I turn 65 I am going to get my own tattoo–right across the top of my left boob–it will say
“Do not resuscitate”
I also did the research on statistics of cardiac resuscitation and for all people over 65 there is almost as much chance of having a 100% successful resuscitation with full CPR, and even advanced cardiac life support as there is of winning the lotto. I would just rather not be brought back physically without a mind, or just long enough to spend a year on a ventilator in a hospital before I die.
Even though my husband had a “living will” and I told the paramedics, they still intubated my husband before I got to the hospital. He was healthy but he was age 72 and had 3rd degree burns over 95% of his body—there was NO chance to help him in anyway except to keep him comfortable until the Good Lord healed him by releasing him.
Paaaa-leeese, Henry, if you get a tattoo, get your own gun and inks. (notice you did not hear me set the skillet down!) LOL Besides, I can’t help it, Henry, I love you too much to put my “nursie” hat in the closet, it is nailed to my head! LOL
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henry says:
oxy my dearest oxy – how did I know that when you read my post you were going to reach for your skillit? I know you are right. I am going to do alot of research and investigation into this latest dramatic testomony. If I don’t feel 100% safe I won’t do it. This is not just a whim of my lastest emotionaly instability and again I (was thinking out loud)…..Oxy why your left boob?
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OxDrover says:
Because it is over my heart and that is where they put the paddles when they recussitate you—so when they read that they will KNOW ABSOLUTELY that I don’t want it. Plus, if they do it anyway, my kids are instructed to SUE the pants off them, at least I will have made my kids rich! LOL
Years ago in “another incarnation” I was the infectious control officer for a large hospital and believe me it gave me nightmares!!! I went around paranoid all the time! LOL But if hospitals are one of the “nastiest” places is the world, you can bet your bippie (are you old enough to remember that line?) that tattoo parlors rank right up there with them. No joke!
When I worked at the hospital doing IC I felt like John the Baptist “crying in the wilderness”—it amazes me how many medical personnel don’t know about the “germ theory of disease causation.” LOL So I don’t have much trust in “Bubba’s TAttoo Parlor” to be clean as well. There is also some research that says that people who have color in their tattoos are more likely to have Hep C than just plain black ones. The stuff I read said that they eliminated all people with “Jail house” tattoos from their study and focused only on ones that were Professionally done.
And if you think the health department of your state will keep a good eye on these folks, just go into the kitchen of any food place and you will never eat out again! LOL
Okay, Henry, my preaching is done and I have put the skillet away–for now. I think I am going to have to have my oven door spring replaced though, it is getting worn out lately! LOL
Hope you are having a good day anyway! We’re getting low 90s for the next few days and maybe even some rain tonight or tomorrow. So maybe I can get back outside and get to work, so I won’t spend all my time here at LF. This being cooped up inside is the pits! I need to get outside and work off some of my excess energy and it is hard to do that when it is a heat index of 110. I envy Bev and the others where the high is 80. Central US summer temps make one want a summer home in England or MOntana for sure. Colorado would be nice but the elevations give me head aches!
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Henry get the damned tatoo.. it’s a beautiful idea. Just ask around the customer base, it’s the best way to find the cleanest shops. A little research goes a long way. They also give out awards for that from the board of health and shops post these (and customer) testimonials in plain view.
Oxy put that skillet away girl. You are a nut.. how very like you to get a practical tatoo.. I think that is funny as hell.
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