After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me.
PDF When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough – without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ‘better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ‘all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got – because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am – I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
Beverly says:
Will do HWS and thanks. Apparently there is a huge increase in breast cancer (sorry to deviate from PD) in women in the UK and I was sitting next to a woman of 26 who had it. There is alot of binge drinking of alcohol here, especially with women and they think there is a link. I think I will be fine from now on and my life now is quite settled and peaceful.
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onguard68 says:
holywatersalt,
Keep in mind I am still in the shock factor here. I have not fully understood what just happened to me and the situation I am in and I am only getting an idea of what further destruction my X P can cause not including to myself in that equation. I’m reading so much on so many levels and topics including real life stories trying to understand the P.
Understanding the P in itself seems rather disturbing on all levels and reading about a P when children are involved is even more disturbing and based on my own experience with this particular P I am very disturbed by how they go through life wreaking havoc without a care in the world. As far as the child is concerned in my situation all these conversations are hypothetical.
So it’s tough all around for me. I know if it’s my child- that the child when it reaches week 16 (a month from now) will be able to hear its mother screaming at the top of her lungs to her other two well adjusted children victim of P behavior further welcoming a new child into lies, deceit and a mother who isn’t even capable of loving or even knowing what love is or taking care of herself.
It’s painful to even imagine. My X P grabs her daughter’s arms so hard that she draws blood with her finger nails and swears at them as if they nothing but an inconvenience. Oh but that’s nothing, the possibility of knowing this child may be used as a pawn – as a tool to further exploit others. I’m thrilled at the fact that the baby will grow up with a series of men coming in and out of its life. We already have her oldest daughter (14) talking suicide and cutting herself (nobody loves me). Won’t be long and she will be running away.
I think the reason her girls became so fond of me was the fact I paid attention to them instead of telling them to “get out of my f’in hair”. I never told those girls I loved them, I showed them love. But that fondness fell short suddenly to a txt msg I received a week ago from my X “the girls think you’re a dick”. Oh what a nice surprise. It was at least nice to hear the girls tell me “you do so much more for us than our dad does, he’s a dick” before I became one too. I know they loved me at least the best way they knew how and it showed or was that also a con?
Maybe I would be more inclined to challenge her ability to care for a child in the courts for custody in January if I wasn’t already broke and going through foreclosure and bankruptcy. But wait; there is that obstacle of proving a P’s behavior is destructive and dangerous to a court. Who was it?… Robert Hare who said even he has been fooled. There is a lot going through my head not to mention health related issues due to her age based on what the doctor told her. Thats why I’m here to talk things through. I dont even know if thats my baby, I’m just trying to be prepared. I know too much about this woman and that frightens me.
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Beverly says:
Dear Onguard, I know you posted to HWS, but I hope you dont mind if I put in my own ten penny worth in. Everyone here wants to give you guidance and help you and that is a good thing. I do, however, see that at this point in time, you do not know if the child is yours and anything can happen between now and then – whatever that ‘then’ will be – there are so many variable factors. It is probably enough to be digesting what and who your ex was, in the short space of time you knew her. Dont forget that in any relationships with a person with Personality Disorder – some of it will be bluff and some of it will reveal itself to you in time. At the time, I was panicking, wondering whether I had an STD or AIDS. You have so much on your plate at the moment, I worry that everything is being thrown at you by your ex and other factors in your life.
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holywatersalt says:
Onguard-
I empathsize…..but this is not something you can sleep on. I don’t doubt what you say– but this is your lot. Life is NOT EASY….it’s one trial after another- it’s what we do with them.
Make lemonade.
She’s a horrible person, you can be a better one. Life is not set in stone, it changes every day. I will tell you I would have been denied knowing the one person who has provided the most love and solace to me in the world if his 16 yr.old mom had aborted him. And if he had chosen to keep using drugs because she chose to live with a full-blown ( murder in there too) psychopath who abused him in every way known to man.
He’s my angel. He has been called an angel on earth because of his sweet and gentle persona all the while suffering still. He is chronically ill and going blind. Can you imagine? He has on occasion wondered what he did to deserve this, but most often he is too happy making others feel loved. He is a total comedian, dark humor his specialty. We laugh about living outside in camps, eating what you got from a dumpster..wearing clothes starving kids in Africa would reject. He did not know what Traveller’s Checks were an dthought the fan in bathroom was a “noise maker.” He’s graduated from an Ivy League school and NOW is too blind and sick to work.
But he loves us all everyday. Life is not cheap. And it is not measure by who loves you, but how you love.
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OxDrover says:
Onguard, I think your reply to HWS was very well put. That “shock” phase is so overwhelming. Hang on and keep reading and learning. YOu do have a lot on your plate right now, and the “what ifs” I think sometimes emotionally are harder to deal with because they keep you “hanging” to get an answer. And I always want answers NOW. “Please God grant me patience, NOW!!!!!”
Just exploring all you have done so far is a major breakthrough for you, and I think you have shown some amazing strength to have taken in what you have already taken in.
Since you don’t know if this child is yours or not, and since you can’t help or influence the P, I think you IMHO should focus on YOU and staying No Contact with her and let the rest of it unfold as it will
I know you don’t know my story, but last summer I literally had to flee my home to be safe from someone I recognized as a predator P who was out to kill me, and possibly my family, and only one of my sons even believed me, my mom, and my DIL (who actually became part of the plot) etc. but I just had to LET IT TAKE ITS COURSE, and protect ME, so my one son and I fled. Sure enough, about two months after we fled the whole thing blew up in a big brouhaha and the DIL and the psychopath both went to jail.
Sometimes they will be THEIR OWN UNDOING if you just “give them enough rope” they will tie their own noose and do themselves in (metaphorically speaking).
Focusing on yourself right now and learning about the P will give you a “full time job” for sure, but it is a good direction to focus because without yourself being “stable” you can’t help anyone else, including the child if that should per chance come to pass.
God bless you Onguard!
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holywatersalt says:
I would do everything in my power if I was you to promote her having that child.
If that means responding to her- I would. No sex,no r/s just email, and convo….just as any parent has to when dealing with a psychopathic former spouse.
This is a life we are discussing, not an abstract idea. Yours or not.
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JaneSmith says:
Bevvie! That is wonderful, spectacular news…yay!
Do you think that besides the radiation treatment that all the positive reinforcement from yourself and all the LF members has helped immensely in your healing and recovery?
I do believe so!!…*hug*
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Beverly says:
Dear JaneS. Of course, all the support I was fortunate to be offered, AND especially all the prayers from the kind people at LF helped and I thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
I will have another check in 3 months, then 6 months, then 3 years so I will never be out of the woods, but I am hoping that this is the absolute end of that phase, that nightmare, along with the exit of the Narcissist and his nightmare.
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OxDrover says:
Bev,
I am assuming from your and Jane’s last two posts that you got an ALL CLEAR check up on your cancer follow up! I sure hope so, because that IS GREAT NEWS!!!
It is amazing all the difference that peace, tranquility and positive thoughts and prayers make in our healing. (((hugs))))
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JaneSmith says:
Bev,
You do know that you have been added to my nightly (and sometimes morning) prayers, doncha?
So has Oxy, Henry, Free, Aloha, Lilygirl, and….oh, heck! All of you wonderful, beautiful people are in my prayers! So there!…haha.
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JaneSmith says:
Oh, btw, I have a curious question to ask you peeps.
Have any of you been confronted with people, whether you knew they had a PD or not, who would contradict and negate every opinion, idea, or even substantial facts that you had?
OOH….these types of people burn my britches, I tell you! It’s as if they are so much smarter, so much more experienced in their lives that they need to belittle you.
I think I am an articulate, intelligent woman. I spend many hours reading and researching subjects of interest in an effort to understand and to also see if my ideas correlate to other people’s ideas, research.
And then you have a discussion with a person who not only disagrees with everything you say, but he/she doesn’t even back up their own ridiculous theories. And they aren’t even listening to you at all.
Once upon a time if I had the misfortune to encounter these surly individuals, I would usually pout, feel tremendously uncomfortable, then leave without saying another word.
Nowadays, I’m assertively confrontational to this arrogant attitude. Recently, I said to this person…”Well, it seems to me that you consider yourself the Master of all Knowledge and anyone who has a differing idea/opinion from yours is a lowly peasant in your eyes. You aren’t even listening to anything I say, and you’re oblivious to the definiton of dialogue, so I won’t waste your time or my time any longer. Good day, Sir!”
I felt so great to finally be able to decidely stand up for myself.
Anyone else have a story like that to share?
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JaneSmith says:
and yes….I actually said…”Good day, Sir!!”…haha.
Sort of like throwing his pomposity back in his smug face.
Yes, it may seem petty of me, but I was not about to allow
some fool to treat me like an idiot child. No thanks!
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JaneSmith says:
Not that children are idiots ’cause they’re most definitely not, but I think you folks understand what I’m gettin at.
ok…I’ll quit talking…haha.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Onguard.. didn’t mean to pressure you or make you feel worse. I was just having a bitter moment lol. Good luck with your situation and my heart goes out to you, the baby, and the other two girls.
HWS, I surely care, I’m sure everyone here cares, but there is more than one life at stake here, and being the kid of a P is going to be torture as well, only it will be emotional torture. I suspect that woman is going to do exactly what she thinks will help her the most, no matter how it affects anyone else including the little innocent she’s carrying.
I have no doubt she’s plotting as we speak how to use the pregnancy to her best advantage, such as collecting support from two different men.. or keeping them both on a string, playing them for all she can get. Poor baby in any case and hell yeah poor or not I hope onguard keeps his finger on this situation.
But I totally disagree with militant tactics like legally forcing a woman not to abort, even though I am (and vote) RTL.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Jane.. I have a good friend who is kind of like that. It confuses me sometimes because he’s sincere and kind, but so dogmatic that his opinion leaves no room for anyone elses
I think I have even been that way myself sometimes, not out of a desire to shut the other guy down, but more of a desire to get at the truth no matter what (truth as I see it of course) blush…..
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OxDrover says:
Jane, I think some of those people you describe are insecure and trying to bolster up their own self esteem by being “right” and others are like that because they are arrogant.
My x BF-P had no education beyond a high school and one or two semesters of college he flunked out of. He was quite bright really and well read, but he had to be RIGHT about everything, even if he didn’t know squat about it. I personally enjoy TALKING ABOUT a subject and LEARNING FROM THE DISCUSSION OR DEBATE. My husband and I used to do that regularly, and we both enjoyed it. Each person would (if there was a difference of opinon) research their stance and then we would compare research, etc. If it was a matter of OPINION we would still give reasons for our opinons etc. It was an uplifting and learning thing.
But the P-XBF had to be the EXPERT on everything. Once when he was talking about the medical information (which he didn’t know) about the medical condition of Andre the Giant, I made the mistake of pointing out (nicely) his error and then got the medical books to back up my statement. HE WAS FURIOUS. Now, that was MY field of knowledge and training, and he was an electrician, so why would he be angered by knowing more medicine than he did? I would not have felt put down by him knowing more about electricity than me? But he was. Anyone with a college education (especially a woman) who corrected him in any way was “talking down” to him.
If you said “pass the salt” you were ordering him around if you didn’t say “PLEASE WITH SUGAR ON IT pass the salt”–so he had a chip on his shoulder. Plus the arrogance, Plus the feelings of inferiority to others with more formal education.
Of course the best way to handle that one is DUMP them, and NC. ha ha For those others that are like that, I generally ignore them, but occasionally I have put a stop to some of them. Once I was giving a talk on Oxen at one of our living history groups. An ox for those of you who don’t know is not some special breed but ANY breed of cattle trained to work, it is a job title. I had Scottish Highland oxen (a breed of cattle from Scotland) and a man in the audience kept on interupting and being ugly and saying “I’ve seen pictures of oxen and THAT’s NOT them” So I finally stepped aside and asked him to come up to the front, and I said “Since you’ve seen photographs of oxen, why don’t YOU give this talk instead of me.” He shut up, and stomped off. LOL
Kat, I agree with you, she is definitely plotting and using the child as a pawn in her games. That’s the horrible shame of these people that they use children as pawns, but they do.
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Beverly says:
Thank you so much Oxy. Yes I got discharged from the treatment I had, the scars have healed very well, I have a pad of scar tissue where they did the lumpectomy, but I can live with that. I think I will have another mammogram in 3 months to check that nothing else sinister is there. As far as I am concerned that toxic man has gone and the toxicity he left me with has gone. I have been extremely lucky and blessed. I read somewhere in a book that praying benefits the person who is making the prayers! Thank you for your support and strength.
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henry says:
Beverly.. You astonish me. You have overcome so many thing’s. I think cancer or any life threatening illness can change us for the better, Despite the pain and fear it gives us a new perspective on life. It makes everyday a little better, we relish the simplist of Gods creations. I am just all over the place tonite, I think I have blogged on every thread. The more I read about everybodys stories, the longer I come here to the website, their lives become more vivid, their history’s more revealing. Their are so many stories of courage here. Bev in one of your earlier post you said “you are not good at relationships because the other person will alway’s be a wild card. BINGO- I hear ya loud and clear. So is this saying something about us that cannot be changed? Do we have (trust issues?). Remember a few months ago mentioned this new guy I was seeing and he made me anxious. Well I put him on hold and cooled things off. He was very understanding and knows about my past few years with the x (P). He asked what can I do? I said just be patient. I still see him a couple times a month, he comes and visit’s on a sunday or occasionally during the week. I don’t feel as anxious as I did. I think I just read more into things than I should. I am on gaurd, too much I think. He is the nicest guy, so darn good lookin!!! and he is not pushing me for any kind of comittment. Actually he has had to slow me down a few times. He want’s a friendship with benifit’s. Read between the lines here Bev. I am different than all of you here. I just don’t get the relationship thing right either. But now that I feel like I have firm boundaries and he has boundaries with me. I think I like this guy. There are no feelings of that panicy kind of love with him. We have both stated what we want, a friendship with honesty and respect, companionship when our shedules permit. Those red flags I saw with him at first are fading to pink. I just want a comfortable friendship. I think that is what I want from now on. No ( let’s get married and bake cookies). I want to let go of this maddening kind of love. That Mr. Illusion only exsist in my fantasies. I want to live with me, enjoy all the blessings that I have. thanks Bev for listening to my rambling…..
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onguard68 says:
Hello again… will need to catch up on reading up what I missed but for now I have more about NO CONTACT.
Last i wrote she sent July 28th txt “hope things going better for u”. That was her first contact in 5 days. I did not reply. Then July 29th she sent email “I just want to know that you are alive and that I am able to get ahold of you regarding the baby”. Again no reply from me.
Here we are July 30th and got another txt “Need new address”. Again no reply. We talked about the idea of sending an email or snail mail in regards to notifying me of any doctor appointments or things relating to her pregnancy. Any ideas as to what I might want to do at this point. She is being persistent in 3 days in a row now.
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holywatersalt says:
There’s no court that will accept your self-diagnosis of her psychopathy. You are ignoring a woman who theroretically could be carrying your child…
If you want to be a father, say she has child- and it’s yours, your track-record is not showing it. I’d make contact, say even through an attorney. If you don’t, you are passive aggressively abandoning a child that may be yours.
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onguard68 says:
I know holywatersalt. There’s no court that will accept my self-diagnosis of her psychopathy and that really scares me. I’m no doctor at all and not so much into the titles, all I know is she shows all the signs. Her behavior is abusive to me and to her girls.
I’m not so sure I worry too much about her thinking I might be ignoring her. When I had a concern about our relationship or confronting her about her constant lies and try discussing it with her, she would disappear long enough that she felt I would not bring it up or forget -never getting an answer or any discussion out of her.
I have a great concern if I’m the father! I am surprised that didn’t come across. That was the sole reason for posting my previous post.
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holywatersalt says:
Then contact an attorney.
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rperk6069 says:
Onguard-My heart goes out to you for what you are having to deal with. If I were in your situation, I would contact a lawyer, one that specializes in child custody. If the child is yours, the lawyer can help you document and fight for your rights as a father. I wish you the best of luck. Rita
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henry says:
OnGaurd..I know you have great concern about possibly being a father, I read that in your recent post. But you have realized that you have been dealing with a evil woman, and you are trying to heal from that abuse and now dealing with her pregnancy. Your plate is full. I don’t have any good advice legal or otherwise. But I do understand that if this child is your’s you have a tough road ahead of you. Everytime you go pick the child up for visitation you are going to be bitten by a rattlesanke. I would maintain contact at a distance. Explain to her that you are done with HER, but you will support your child and you want visitation. Document everything, take pictures, get a recorder. If this babie is yours you will need some legal action concerning visitation right’s and maybe a place to pick up the babie and return he/she. Don’t let her continue to control and manipulate you with this child. If it is yours be a father, but you will need some help. Do you have family that can help you with this? I would talk to social service’s.
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Beverly says:
I agree Henry, but I think that OnGuard has financial issues to sort out as well, so I dont know about the costs of a lawyer. But certainly a go between or a middleman or some sorts – yes social service sounds good.
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onguard68 says:
Thank you Rita, Henry, Bev. Sigh. Yep financial issues. I knew the best route would be the lawyer but I am so broke. Those guys charge about $180 to send a letter requesting the recipient contact their office. This darn doctor vistit I had yesterday is going to really cost me when those tests come back. Plate full? Ha! Second helping more like it.
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Beverly says:
Dear Onguard, Yes, I thought so, but there must be a way of keeping the situation structured without you incurring anymore angst and it is clear that you really want to limit the kind and amount of interaction with her. Why dont you sit down and think about the situation as it may be and decide just what kind of support you would give during and after the pregnancy and how you wouuld want to deal with that and what services or people you could use to play middleman.?
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Beverly says:
Then, OnGuard, you can email her with your suggestions.
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onguard68 says:
Bev, thanks. That really seems like the more feasible route at this time if done right. I already have some ideas outlined. I know when the lawyer does it they send a copy via mail and one copy certified letter and one copy to myself and leave it unopened. That might be a good idea because she has a PO Box. I can make sure she gets the letter.
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Beverly says:
Dear OnGuard, You are in a difficult situation, but it is not impossible to work out some solutions. If she is asking for your address, presumably she wants you to have contact with the child, what kind of support is she expecting?. You will have to have some dialogue with her eventually. Also, if, as you say she is quite gruff with her other children, you may feel anxiety around how she will look after your child? Another good reason to ask social services for advice and to ask them about DNA testing as well?
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rperk6069 says:
Onguard-In my area, social services has a program you can use to obtain a lawyer for little or no cost. I have had to use them on a couple of occasions and always found an attorney who was very competent. Of course you have to jump through some hoops and they go by your income, but for me, it was worth the bruises I got on my shins. Hopefully in your area they have some similar program. Take care.
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onguard68 says:
Picking up from the “need new address” txt msg on July 30th. I typed up very short email to keep me informed how pregnancy is coming and notify me of doctor visits so I can be there and ended it with “I hope you quit smoking”. I have a copy ready to mail like I previously mentioned and will do the certified letter as well.
Txt Log July 30th
Her: “need new address”
Me: Sent email
Her: About? Just need address
Her: Nevermind.
Her: U know damn well I don’t have internet. Just more bs!
Good thing she is getting a copy in the mail. I have no idea why she said she doesn’t have Internet, she just emailed me yesterday… “I just want to know that you are alive and that I am able to get ahold of you regarding the baby”. More bs. On with the guessing game.
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onguard68 says:
It’s good to see this behavior unfold before your eyes. Every day it was something like this, the games, the lies, the denial, the deceit etc. It amazes me I have a full head of hair. I’m sure she will send off some hate txt msg’s soon. You know the cycles…
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Beverly says:
OnGuard, sounds good to me. Just keep it structured (business like) and avoid personal barbs and just focus on the wellbeing of the baby (if it is yours) and things will work out.
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Beverly says:
That is why, you need an experienced child protection officer or social services to deal with things and hopefully you will be shielded from all the nonsense behaviour. Some women, though deny access as a way of getting you back, so in a way it is good that she wants to involve you in the pregnancy. It may seem like the hard route at the moment, but if you get your ideas worked out in advance, it will benefit you in the long run, as far as your child is concerned. Would it be your first child?
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onguard68 says:
Beverly, it just so happens this week she wants me involved with the pregnancy, last week she didn’t. She changes up her story a lot. I will be sure to get children services involved.
Yes, this would be my first child.
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Beverly says:
Yes. OnGuard, that was what I thought. She sounds unstable and unpredictable
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onguard68 says:
Beverly, All along I thought she was quite predictable although now-and-then she would catch me off guard and not be so predictable.
About an hour or so after the last txt msg she sent this:
“My life is forever changed. You get to carry on, date, etc. & get to face people”!
I suspect she managed to read my email by this point.
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Beverly says:
Onguard. From a female point of view, I think she means that you have your freedom and she has a new added set of responsibility? She is a single mum with her daughters. I have just (almost) finished bringing up my own daughter and it was 20 years of sustained responsibility, how it will be for her with 3 children I am not sure.
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onguard68 says:
Beverly, I can understand that viewpoint although what she said is so far from the truth which leads to the distorted views of how they view life IMO and no idea how they affect others with their destruction. Just dealing with the aftermath is enough to keep me away from the dating scene not to mention the possibility of an infectious disease I may have. Starting from square one again rebuilding my life both financially and mentally/emotionally will be no easy task.
“My life too is changed forever”. There was nothing easy about being with her and there is nothing easy about being away from her. All of this is difficult, complicated, exhausting, confusing etc. It’s a too bad she thinks I’m over here dating new women as if nothing happened to me. It amazes me she doesn’t have a clue what I am going through.
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Beverly says:
I hear you and I understand your point of view Onguard. I hear how difficult it is for you.
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henry says:
My x wife and i get along ok now, now that the boy’s are grown. She was really difficult back when the boy’s were young. She caused us all alot of grief. When the boy’s got to the ages of 10 and 12 they took charge and told her not to treat their Dad so bad or they would live with me. Kid’s are the one’s who suffer when it comes to divorce. I put my boy’s first when they were younger, I never involved them in my emotional garbage. I tried to protect them from her anger. I admire any man that stick’s by his children and pay’s for their support. But believe me I know why so many father’s/mothers abandon their children. The emotional drama is to high, everyone suffer’s if their is no cooperation. sometime’s it is more than one can bare. My youngest son told me recently that he admires me more than any other man because I stuck it out, and endured the wrath, he said alot of Dad’s would have bailed.
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Beverly says:
Same here Henry. My daughter’s dad (who didnt have PD) and I split when my daughter was 4. He never paid me a penny towards her keep, even when he lived with us, but I decided that I would give him full visiting rights, even coming to my home, and that I didnt want to involve lawyers or trade visiting rights for him not giving me child support but rather for my daughter to see her dad, because I never had a dad around.
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onguard68 says:
That reminds me. He ex doesnt pay her child support for her two girls. Any idea why that might be? He lives at the end of the road (about 1/2 mi.) from her and she has the girls Mon, Tues, Friday of every week and then every other weekend. He apparently doesnt pay of help much in any way from what I can tell. Seems odd.
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OxDrover says:
Onguard,
I would be VERY careful about any e mails I send to her, because she may use them against you—I can say this because Ihave had my letters turned against me like bullets and shot back at me.
Several things you have written, as I understand it, I’m just restating these to make sure I understand the situation.
1. You are not sure the baby is yours
2. She treats her other children poorly
3. One day she wants your involvement, and then the next she doesn’t
Those things alone would lead me to believe that she is at least a personality disordered person. It may be PPD or BPD but she is definitely disordered and unstable, and probably volitile as well.
I think the legal advice is a great idea and I would work on that SOON, it won’t cost a dime to make some phone calls and see just what your rights and responsibilities are.
As far as “partcipating in the pregnancy” on the POSSIBLITY that you are the father, I would be leery of that. First because if you “participate” you have to participitate with HER. Secondly, you may very well “bond” to the baby and then it turn out not to be yours.
Plus, what does “partcipitate” mean? Supporting her during the time she is pregnant? Paying her rent, car payment, doctor bills etc? Obviously you have already “participated” by giving her money (just a thought? Can you PROVE all the money you have already given her? If need be for a court?
I really think that you DO need legal advice and surely to goodness there is some place you can get some free or low cost. Maybe you can call a law school, see if there is some kind of low cost or pro bono legal service for people who are “low income” (I think you should qualify) I’d let my fingers do the walking and see what I could come up with before I sent her any more e mails that might come back to haunt you legally, morally or financially.
I think Henry is right, this woman is a rattle snake and she is looking to sink her fangs into you.
Good luck Onguard, keep us posted on what you find out about legal services available. You might even call PLANNED PARENTHOOD, they might be able to give you soe advice, or even some of the “right to life” groups might have some legal advice available. The department of children’s welfare, whatever they call it where you live might also have some advice for you, or could point you to some place that might have some. A social worker (many planned parenthood offices and other groups for “problem pregnencies” have social workers) might be able to help too. God bless you and keep the faith!
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henry says:
OnGaurd- Her X doesn’t pay child support? Have you ever talked to him? Don’t forget who you are dealing with. If he does give her or the girl’s money it is my guess she doen’t want you to know. That way she get’s more money and attention from you….
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OxDrover says:
It sounded to me that there was some kind of shared custody agreement, with some days spent with one parent and some with the other. I know several couples who do that and neither pays child support to the other.
I do wonder though if it would be wise to speak to her X. Pros and cons both ways I can see. the NOT KNOWING for sure about who the father is of her current child is one of those real “cliff hangers”–I still “vote” for finding if there is any way Onguard can get some legal or quasi-legal advice. This woman is a real witch, Henry! I think she puts my witchyness to shame!
For what it is worth Onguard, back last year when I was involved with my X-DIL and the Trojan HOrse P ripping my mother off for tens of thousands of dollars etc. I hired an attorney and “lost” pretty much–but you know, I left the scene and just “disappeared” and they IMPLODED on their own. Sometimes when you have a situation where there seems to be “no good answer” or you are “damned if you do, and damned if you don’t” the best answer is to DO NOTHING and “let the chips fall where they may”—it is almost a given if you contact her she will use it against you, and if you don’t that will make her frustrated and mad, because she won’t have anyone to “play games with”—so for “my money” and it ISN’T MY MONEY, it is your life and the ultimate decision is of course YOUR DECISOIN, I think I would just NO CONTACT her at LEAST UNTIL YOU COULD GET SOME LEGAL ADVICE and have time to THINK rationally about the situation both pro and con. You know what she is. Now the question is, “how best to handle her”—God bless you and her child, whoever the father is.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Well guys, I know I’m going to be the odd man out here, but I just don’t believe in abandoning a woman carrying your child, whether she’s a nutcase or not. It’s just not right. As long as he’s not afraid for his life, there are tons of ways he can eliminate or minimize her ability to abuse him.
He can keep her out of his wallet, out of his heart, out of his business, but as long as that baby exists, he can’t kick her out of his life. That’s just the way it is.
My second husband and I are raising our son together. There are some things we just can’t agree on, and many times we just can’t even be in the same room. But what are you going to do.. the kid is more important than our antipathy.
He still gets a little verbally abusive sometimes or crossing my boundaries more likely. When he does that I give him a “time out” from contact. That is, I refuse to talk to him, answer his calls etc. until he straightens up. This was advice from a counselor years ago and it has really worked fairly well. That way I don’t get my heart torn up, but we can still work together somewhat to raise the child.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Oh yeah and Henry, if you want to live alone and just have a bf for company etc., there isn’t really anything wrong with it. I don’t want to get married again either, and I really don’t want to live with anybody else until my kids grow up, because they have been through too much already. But I can’t deal with friends with beni’s because I end up feeling too alone. I want someday .. a real bf.
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henry says:
Kat- I don’t want to live alone. I want a life partner. For (me) that seem’s so impossible. My home is nice but small. I am too independent to move in with someone else. And if someone is willing to move in with me out here in the stick’s, then they will probably be a predator. And two male ego’s in the same house can be difficult. It’s involves more than romance and sex. Somebody has to mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook meal’s, pay the bill’s etc. I just feel more all the time that my expectation’s of “happy ever after” are unrealistic for (me). And yes a friend with benifit’s does leave me feeling alone and empty. But at the same time I am not dead yet!! It seems to be the status quo with gay men, it’s all about the sex. And look at it this way, we really are not excepted in society, especially here in America. In other country’s a person sexual preference is not a big deal. So yes men my age have been forced to lead a somewhat sub-culture life style. I have always known who I am, but have lived a life untrue to myself. And at my age it would be nice to have that specail somebody. I will always be looking for him but I have to be honest with myself- the chances are slim…..One reason I hesitate about blogging here is because I am different than you. Yes I share the same emotion’s and desire’s, but your’s are more obtainable than mine. I think this is why the encounter with the sociopath has almost destroyed me—my dream’s are only an illusion….
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