After the sociopath is gone: Loving being me.
PDF When the sociopath was arrested and I awoke to the devastation around me, I was overwhelmed with one, undeniable truth. I was alive.
I didn’t think it was possible. Hadn’t believed it would happen. I had spent so long in those final months wanting to die, wishing I could, thinking of ways to make it happen and waiting for him to make it happen, I couldn’t believe I actually was alive.
Yet, I was.
How could that be? What was I supposed to do with this unexpected gift of a lifetime?
In Jackie Nink Pflug’s book, Miles to Go Before I Sleep, her survivor’s story of being shot in the head by terrorists and left for dead when the plane she was on from Athens to Cairo was hijacked, she writes that she was happy to have gone through the hijacking . It is an inspiring story of overcoming the odds, and persevering in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles such as a learning disability she now has because of the damage from the gunshot to her brain.
And yet, in spite of all she went through, in spite of sitting for hours on a plane parked at the end of a runway waiting for the hijackers to come and get her and kill her, she is grateful for that experience.
I know what she means.
In the aftermath of the relationship with the sociopath, five years after waking up from the nightmare of his abuse, I am grateful for the experience. It has taught me more than I ever could have known about myself, about my weaknesses and more importantly, about my strengths. It has taught me the value of love, of turning up for myself, of becoming all I’m meant to be. It has taught me that life begins outside my comfort zone. That I cannot heal or change what I will not acknowledge. And, it has taught me that I am 100% accountable for my experience. It’s up to me to live my life fearlessly in the light of this moment, right now. It is the only moment I’ve got to get real and be real with where I’m at and who I am, because who I am is enough. I do enough. I am enough. I’m good enough.
For me, that experience was the springboard that launched me into my personal growth and development today. That trauma led me away from limiting beliefs where I was the victim of my thinking that mired me in the fear of never being good enough – without a man, without the right outfit, without the right car or job title or address.
Sure, before the sociopath walked through the door my life was okay. I was on the path to self-awareness, working every day to be a ‘better me’. I meditated, was in therapy. Had two divorces under my belt (the first one which I seldom counted as I was only 22 and it lasted only 13 months). I had two amazing daughters. An ex-husband (the father of my daughters) with whom I was still friends. I had a great career. A home. A bank account and savings. I had nice things. On many levels I had it ‘all’. But, I always felt there was something missing. Something wasn’t quite right in Oz. And that something was, love. The true love of a man. Love of the happily ever after variety.
I was ripe for the pickings when the sociopath rode in and swept me off my feet. I had just ended a relationship of three years after finally giving up on trying to weather the storms of my lover’s unpredictable mood swings and depressions. I had loved, truly madly deeply. I knew I was capable of doing it again. And so, when the sociopath fed me his lies of love everlasting, I fell gracefully and gratefully into his arms, swooning with relief that at last my ship had come in, my Prince Charming had arrived. Here was a love worth waiting for. Here was my dream of happily ever after come true.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know and what I didn’t know almost killed me.
There’s a lot I didn’t know about sociopathy and about the sociopath I fell in love with. And, there was a lot I didn’t know about me. It would take that relationship to awaken me to the truth of what I didn’t know about myself. Like, how to stand up for me, my needs, my wants, my desires. Or, how to stand rooted in my light, grounded by my values, principles, beliefs and not get pulled into the vortex of someone else’s bad behaviour because I was too scared to set my boundaries. Before the sociopath, I didn’t know how to be me without the fear of losing the one I loved because I never felt good enough just the way I am.
The sociopath had his game. He played it well.
And in the end, he lost.
Somewhere out there, he’s still playing his game. It’s what he does. It’s all he can do. Maybe someday he’ll awaken to the truth. Maybe not. He is no longer my responsibility. I am.
I’ve been blessed. I no longer have to play his game. I no longer have to play any game. I get to live my life, right now, as if it’s the most precious and wondrous life I’ve got – because it is.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a sociopath. I didn’t know how far I’d fall from grace when I fell into his arms. In having landed on this side of my reality today, I’m grateful for the journey that brought me here. Reality is, I can’t change what happened even if I wanted to. Accepting that journey as the gift that gave me the freedom to step into the wonder and joy of being me, makes a difference in my life today.
I cannot change or heal what I do not acknowledge. When Prince Charming rode in and swept me off my feet, I fell hard upon the road of life because I was searching for a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t trust myself to create the life of my dreams. I didn’t trust myself with my own happiness.
In healing, I have been given the gift to grow and learn and expand beyond the limiting beliefs of my past so that today I can dance with joy in the light of knowing the truth of who I am – I am a wondrous woman of worth living this one wild and passionate life for all she’s worth. I am blessed to be me. Blessed to have lived the past so that I can be free to live today without fear of ever having to fear again that I am not good enough to love, to be love, to be in love with who I am, exactly the way I am today.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
henry says:
Hmm I don’t hesitate very well do I? Sorry peeps..
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Kat- You didn’t ask for all that information did you, sorry
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
lol Henry.. you can talk to me all you want, I really like your insights and love your humor. But believe me, it’s not just gay men.. this is such a huge problem for women too, because with an awful lot of men, it’s all about the sex, but we often want much more.
And at our age it is really hard to give up the independence. All I want is one good man to get old with, sit in the porch swing, walk hand in hand, shop, garden, w/e. Yet it seems to be impossible to find it. I really think that we are meant to find the love of our lives while young, and then become more attached as we grow older.. it’s so hard starting over and over.
My dreams are just as much of an illusion as yours, sweetie, all the men my age are after girls in their twenties and thirties. I have kids, and one problem child who almost nobody can get along with, and then I usually have to deal with their kids as well, their parenting styles.. bad habits.. oy. It’s just so rare for third marriages to work as well.
Hate to pop your bubble buddy, but your position is very much the same as the rest of ours. Also.. I gotta say in my experience, gay men and women have a LOT in common, which is probably why they end up as best friends so often.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Henry, I agree with Kat, we do have more in common than you really want to see I think. Just start off with the “numbers” game as far as “available” partners.
I am 61 yrs old, for every 100 unmarried women between the ages of 35 and 65 there are only 30 unmarried men. So, right there I only have a 30% chance of finding a man. (If all other things were equal)
But you know all things in this life are NOT equal.
Now, the 35-65 year old man, if he is “worth having”–let’s just put the criteria at say 1) has a job 2) isn’t a drunk/druggie 3)has most of his body parts working etc. can have a woman who is 10-20 years younger than him.
Appearances ARE important and especially to men. So this 60-65 yr old man I would be interested in eliminates most of the men in that group of 30 men that are available since most of them are younger than that. So let’.s say that out of the 30 men “available” for me and the other 99 women there are only 5 anywhere near my age (60-65) so okay, that 5 men have 15 women to choose from, most of whom are YOUNGER than them. Now, who is this “single” man going to be looking for? He is going to be looking for some nice looking, slim woman between the ages of 45-50, he is NOT going to be looking for a woman his age who looks her age, because he has a choice of the younger “hotter” ones as well. So the chance of ME finding a partner that I would have are about like the Lotto–about 1 in 13 MILLION.
If you factor in the fact that I would not want a guy who was uneducated, ( and I include self educated in there) and I would not want one of the guys my age who was already in very poor health, and so on. I also don’t want one who is in deep financial difficulty, has children he is paying child support on, has had 4 ex wives, had been a sexual “player” earlier in life, etc etc. I know several guys I would be “interested in” BUT—one is 64 and has a 12 yr old and an 18 yr old at home (that right there pretty well eliminates him as far as I am concerned) and SEcondly, he is TOTALLY in my opinon UNREALISTIC with his finances and is always in the red. He and I don’t see eye to eye on finaces at all. This man is otherwise totally wonderful and we have been great FRIENDS since college, but I KNOW that I would NOT be happy with someone who was still raising kids (and especially since his and my parenting is not near the same) and secondly, money issues is a BIGGIE with most couples and that right there would make it a LOSING situation as far as a “relationship” would be. Plus, to top it off, our idea of “housekeeping” would not fly either. I’m not Suzie Homemaker about things, but at the same time I am so much more neat and clean that his habits would drive me up a wall, and I know that. So, that eliminates a “perfectly” nice person….FOR SOMEONE, but NOT me.
I could list 50 other guys that I know that are single that would NOT be even close to a match for me, and none of them are psychopaths, just LIFE STYLE AND ATTITUDES are different from mine. I know another guy who is a GREAT guy and he was very interested in me, however, he is a COUCH potato and there is NO WAY he could keep up with me. My idea of life is not sitting on the couch watching TV at this point in time anyway. I’m not a “house dog” I want out in the woods and he has laid on the couch so long that walking to the car is a “breath taking” hike. LOL
So you see, Henry, I have about zero chance of finding Mr. Right as well. And you know what, “I AIN’T DEAD EITHER” in the sexual desire department, but at the same time, I have decided that FOR ME a “friend with benefits” or a “series” of these “friends” isn’t what I want because sex is too personal, too wonderful and too bonding for me to have “JUST SEX” with another person and not get emotionally tangled up with them. Plus the STD part of “risking my life” playing “sexual roulette.”
And, yea, that’s not my idea of the ideal way to live, I’d much rather have a partner that I loved, but you know the thought of NEVER having a partner again after my H died made me deeply depressed before the P, but since then, I’ve come to grips with thefact that the likelyhood of me having a partner again at my age is slim, but I will NOT let it depress me and make my life miserable about what I can’t have that would be “ideal” and just enjoy the fact that I am alive, in good health, and have so many blessings that that isn’t going to ruin my life by not having that ONE thing.
So, it is up to each of us to decide which things we can live without, and which things we can “accept a substitute” for and how we want to live our lives. No one answer is the RIGHT one and all others wrong.
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Oxy,
You’re really smart with statistics. Also a little depressing…haha. I think that’s why I ignore statistics, not because of “informed denial” (thnx Aloha) but I would give up alltogether in mingling with fellas, give up on searching for a not only decent, good man but one who stimulates me on all levels. It was my dilemma as I’m sure it’s yours also, but no so much anymore.
As Aloha wrote on another thread that all she had ever wanted was a genuine love relationship with a man. Just one dude to love and to love her, completely and truly.
For a thousand years that was my fondest, deepest desire. Yes, I have been in love many times in my life and that love has been sometimes returned in force by mentally healthy, sweet dear men, but for whatever reason these relationships ended. As some do.
I don’t waste my precious energy or time reminiscing about the past (except when I was ruminating on that hidden gold Donna so eloquently discussed) as that is not only dangerous territory but it’s also a fruitless endeavor to reflect on past pleasant experiences for too long.
I want to live in the now. I want to embrace, explore, be joyous in each and every minute I’m alive because we never know when our time is up. We are not soothsayers, oracles able to predict our futures.
So, I no longer feel melancholy when I consider myself without a loving partner. Yes, I have those few days when I long for intimacy, but they usually hit me when it’s hormone season at Jane’s house…haha. Then these feelings quickly subside within a few days.
I am committed to loving myself completely, to nurturing a more fulfilling universal love and compassion for people and critters. I am committed to living a peaceful, spiritual, joyous life enjoying every second of my existence with or without a man.
I guess I’m just too darn practical to do otherwise.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Well, Jane, the menopausal cessation of the hormonal fluctuations are the wonders of “old age” and not having PMS every month (but I DO STILL HAVE THE GUN) LOL is actually very nice. In fact, it is very freeing of the libido actually, at least for me! The thing is I DID HAVE that wonderful “soul mate” for 20 years and I can reflect back on that now without being too sad for the loss. I still miss him but it is more like he is “still with me” in so many ways, still a part of my life with the good memories. Not like I wouldn’t be attracted to some really neat guy if he popped into my life (God, are you listening?) it is just that I don’t feel the “addict without a fix” feeling any more, if that makes any sense.
Yea, the statistics are depressing but they don’t depress me, they JUST ARE WHAT THEY ARE, and if it is “meant” for me to have another soul mate I figure the Father will arrange it, but in the meantime, I am not going to fret about being “single.”
Single has advantages even over a really good relationship in some ways, it gives me freedom to be absolutely self centered in what I want to do and when I want to do it. I don’t have to consider anyone else at all. If someone says “Hey, let’s go do somethhing NOW” I don’t have to call home and see if he has any plans it would impact on.
Another great thing too is that you don’t have to worry about shaving your legs! LOL ROTFLMAO
I also totally agree with your last paragraph completely.
(Report abusive comment)
JaneSmith says:
Oxy,
I think it’s super awesome that you cherish loving memories of your husband. Of course you do as I have wonderful memories of folks who have been extremely valuable to me, extremely important and most of them still are.
I just don’t want to waste too much time reminiscing about the past as I might miss something/someone interesting today. So I keep my eyes open, my mind, my spirit, my heart open to new and exciting adventures because I wish to truly LIVE, ya know?
What’s that great saying?….”Get busy living or get busy dying”
I’ve only just discovered in the past 4 years, the exact true meaning of LIVING. And you better believe it, my friend Oxy, I am living it UP!!…..haha.
Speaking of living it up, I just had a great bicycle ride through the town, down by the lake, in the cute neighborhoods, slowly through the park, then I stopped at my favorite little cafe and had me some chow.
Yes, one of the neat things about being single is exactly what you said…do what you want when you want and not being concerned if your “date” is having a good time or not. I prefer eating alone anyway, sos I can focus on the good good food presented before me.
And that idea is supported in Buddhist philosophy/religion in seeking to “walk the path of mindfullness” Truly enjoying every single little thing you do, even the joy of eating. But I think I sometimes take advantage of this joy, as you’d need to pry my beloved chocolate out of my hands cause I don’t give it up all that easy!….haha.
Another great thing too is that you don’t have to worry about shaving your legs!
Oh, you do speaketh the trutheth! But sometimes when I have shaven my legs in eagerness for fun carnal activities, it was a wasted effort as my partner was less than…how do you say?….satisfactory in eliciting a pleasurable response from me.
Sometimes it’s just better to drink a chocolate shake while taking a hot bubble bath. At least I can honestly rely on those two things to give me pleasure…haha.
(Report abusive comment)
onguard68 says:
After the sociopath is gone. Do they ever go away? Things got way out of control with the Ex last night and this morning. She seems very consistent with her repetitive behavior cycles.
I have two cells phone with two separate providers. One phone number I had forever and the other number was for her to save on calling charges (same providers). Today I had to setup my email to delete all messages from her directly from the server so I never see them.
Next took txt messaging off the phone used to call her. Now she must call me to talk and that is highly unlike her to do. So when txt messaging was turned off she then started to text me on the other phone so I had to change my phone number.
Wow, the things she says are incomprehensible, so distorted. Now I can sit and watch TV without reading those pointless, meaningless txt messages. Apparently when they know you want nothing to do with them – it makes them do more to be in your face.
I like OxDrover’s statistical side -I’m a lot like that too. Most people dont know we spend countless hours collecting that data.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Onguard,
NO CONTACT will drive them freeking crazy ***sometimes***some just diappear and you never hear from them again, others will STALK you, call, text, come to your house, write letters, turn you in to IRS, call the cops and say you broke into their house, vandalize your car/house etc.
From what you have told me about this woman, I think she is going to be pretty hard to “get rid of”–especially after she has committed to hook you with “the baby” (yours or not). But, if you “deal with her” (contact) she will just get WORSE and if you Don’t “deal with her” (NO CONTACT) it is going to frustrate her and make her so mad she will come on WORSE. So my opinion (and I’ve been wrong before) is that she will get worse NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.
My psychpathic son was absolutely LIVID AND ENRAGED when we cut off all contact. He wrote letters, he wrote letters to others to get them to call us and “see if they are okay” he raged in letters to my mother, he cried in letters to my mother, he did everything he could to elicit SOME response.
When you “ignore” them you are giving them the WORST insult you can–since THEY are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE if you ignore them you are “disrespecting” the fact that THEY are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.
When little kids are trying to get your attention (say age 2-3) and let’s say you are on the phone and trhing to have a conversation the kid will first try to get your atteniton with something “positive” but if that doesn’t work and you dont’ get off the phone and NOTICE THEM they will turn over a lamp, climb a curtain, or whatever it takes NEGATIVE to get your attention. WHATEVER WORKS. The Ps seem to be like that in that they CRAVE NOTICE, ATTENTION and they dont’ like to be ignored AT ALL.
Without talking to you, they can’t manipulate you. Without you noticing them they have NO CONTROL and not having CONTROL is scary to them. They don’t handle frustration very well either. So she may “up the ante” if she wants to get violent about it. However, contact isn’t going to make her any easier to get along with either. Having a relationship with these people is sometimes like riding a tiger—it isn’t the ride that is so horrible it is figuring a way to GET OFF THE TIGER’S BACK AND STAY ALIVE.
Onguard once I was collecting stuff to do a book about “completely useless information” and then some dude came out with the “Book of Lists” and made a fortune! Oh, well a day late and a dollar short, but I thought it was a good idea at the time. Did you know the average male beaver weighs 59 pounds? Now you do. LOL
(Report abusive comment)
onguard68 says:
Ox, are you trying to scare me more? It feels eerie enough not to hear those txt messages coming in. It’s so quiet tonight, no emails… nothing. I’m glad I live 2 hours away. It’s not likely she will call me because she would have to make up an excuse and if it’s not ‘baby’ related then doubt she will, although she seems to take pleasure in getting under my skin.
I’m CURIOUS how people ended up FINDING OUT about their EX being a sociopath/psychopath. All I remember was doing a Google search on something ‘maybe a specific personality trait she had’ and ended up on a psychopath site and I’ve been reading and taking notes ever since, just over a week ago.
Any thoughts on these: from Thursdays log
“W-out your drama my life is actually lining up quite well”.
“u will see in the end. I am happy & my relationships w-people I love have never been better”.
“I have been given a new chance”.
“I have no intention of asking for child support so let’s pretend we never met”.
“No way u will take this kid out of my sight”.
I’m glad to see she managed to swing her relationships around with others in 2 weeks.
(Report abusive comment)
Lib says:
Onguard,
I found out by researching sexual addiction. “My” S. told me and showed me from the beginnig that he couldn’t be mongamous. I thought I could deal with that since I enjoyed his friendship and the sex was beter than I could have ever imagined (he has had lots of practice.) That is how I stumbled onto the N/S/P sites.
(Report abusive comment)
Lib says:
Ox,
You’re nutty! You gave me my first laugh of the day. Thankyou.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Onguard,
I’m not meaning to scare you for sure, but to “forewarn is forearmed” and they are so predictable sometimes.
Looking back I can see that the interaction I had with my P-son GAVE HIM AMMUNITION TO SHOOT BACK AT ME IN THE FORM OF BULLETS—that is why I say NEVER PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING that might later come back and bite you in the butt.
They will NOT be honest with you. You have no responsibility to be honest with them. That was a BIG mistake on my part was being HONEST WITH THEM. They formed it into bullets to shoot back at me.
Vengence is FUN to them. DRAMA is FUN to them. Your PAIN IS FUN TO THEM.
That is why NO CONTACT is so frustrating to them. It totally DEPRIVES THEM OF CONTROL iof the relationship and the situation. In the past, they acted and you reacted. NOW, the shoe is on the other foot, YOU ACT (with no contact) and they are having to REACT to try desperately to get some ANY reaction out of you. By going NO CONTACT, you are maintaining CONTROL and that is very frustrating to them.
AFter we went no contact with my P son (he is in prison and the only method he has of contact is letters) and he started wrting this barrage of letters with various “themes”–some were pity me, others “give me iinformation or I can’t fix this” DUH!?! Even from his prison cell he had appointed himself ruler of the family. He was telling us all how to live our lives, etc etc and ordering us around on how to do this and do that. This man has been in prison for over 20 years, more than half his life. He was a teenager when he went in and HE IS THE EXPERT on how to live your life outside?????????
What arrogance.
As soon as your P gets another fish on the hook she will leave you alone (at least til that fish gets off the hook) she may be preying on one of the other “potential fathers” right now. I just have this gut feeling that she knows the baby isn’t yours, she just thought you would be the “best” choice for a victim at that time.
A lot of this is almost like they learned the moves in a psychopathic dance school somewhere that they all seem to attend. But by keeping your head, not letting her distract you, and no contact, YOU are playing the tune now. We get into the worst trouble when we let them hold the fiddle and we dance to their tune.
By concentrating on YOUR HEALING, and taking care of YOUR business, your needs, and IGNORING her attempts to get you to react to her “bait” (the baby) you will come out better in the end. IF at the birth of the baby she can prove it is yours with DNA, then you have other decisions to make, but in the meantime, I would suggest you take care of YOU and no contact her. Oh, and save all her emails too, you might need them for evidence some day. Good luck and hang in there! You’ve come to a good place here.
I found out by reading Dr. Robert Hare’s book, “Without Conscience” about 1994—I just wish I had put it into practice at that time.
(Report abusive comment)
onguard68 says:
well. Guess what. She emailed me on a different account. “I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday if you have any questions for the doctor”.
That’s it.
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
I do not think no contact bothers my exes in the least. They don’t like the way I expose their lies and pull off their masks. With me out of their lives, that is one less thorn in their sides. It bothers me more than them, torments me at time, because I know they don’t really give a crap if I’m alive or dead.
But I’m feeling a whole lot better the last few days, because I realized one truth. It’s not that they don’t think about me, heck my daughter says my first husband still talks about me all the time, it’s that I’m a threat to their lifestyle. According to these guys.. I’m a threat.. they are SCARED of little me.
I can’t tell you how empowered I feel just by this switch from feeling rejected by lovers to feared by enemies. I’ve tried to work with every P I’ve known, to get them to consider changing their ways. I think a lot of them have the need to believe their own lies, and I threaten that. I make em feel like the scared, helpless little boys they really are inside.
My mom was the same way at first. She once told me, “I feel like I’ve never been able to get your approval.” I told her, “Mom, I hate to say this, but it’s the children that need the approval of their parents.” That was the very beginning of our healing, because she accepted what I said and took it to heart. If only a few more of these people would do that, right.
I deference to Wini, I will point out that the Lord had been working on my Mom for about 15 years at that point, and her heart was much softened.
(Report abusive comment)
kat_o_nine_tales says:
onguard.. sounds like she wants the baby I guess, unless she’s trying to start a fight. And dude, I’ll say it again, you can’t kick her out of your life if you care about that kid. Try to work with her in a new way, now that you know her for what she is.
Oxy, your stats are a bit depressing, but I feel like I’m facing them squarely. I think the reason I was so vulnerable to this player in the first place was because I was grieving, like you, only not a death. I was grieving the failure of my second marriage, which felt like my “last chance”, and mourning the passing of my youth.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Kat,
“mourning the passing of my youth”—yea, I can relate to that. It seems like “only yesterday” that I was 25 and now I am on my way to 65! That “bright young thing” is no more! I am no longer the “whiz kid”—I am a “mature woman”—or “old bat” depending on your point of view! LOL
But, I have also learned that there are some really GOOD things about being older! No more PMS. No more worrying about how high a heels you can wear and still walk in. No more worrying if you gain 5 pounds. No more worrying about the “latest styles” or one or two gray hairs—heck half of them are gray now, and I don’t dye them, I EARNED them and I’m proud of them.
Yea, it was nice to be the “hot young thing” or the “whiz kid” but there are really some advantages of not having to stand in front of the mirror for an hour with a curling iron trying to get your hair to do “just right”—now I wash and comb and sticker up on my head and go. I’m no longer worried if I break a nail or my eye lashes are not curled just right.
I’m not a slob when I go out, but I don’t have to dress up to go feed the donkeys any more…they don’t care and neither do I! LOL It’s not about how I “LOOK” ANY MORE. It’s not what OTHERS THINK about me that worries me any more.
I try to DO what is RIGHT and go on with life. If someone doesn’t like that, welllllll TOO BAD, I’m no longer concerned with making everyone in the world HAPPY. That’s not my job. I’m not in the business of making everyone think I am great, beautiful and smart. External beauty is EXTERNAL and FLEETING–internal beauty is everlasting and wonderful. “Happiness” that comes from external things is just like “external beauty” it is fleeting and easly lost. Internal happiness and peace is FOREVER no matter what happens “outside.”
Sure, my husband is dead. But the joy we shared will always be with me. It’s still here. It can’t be lost just because he is dead. I can still enjoy it, and make new memories that are joyful, even without his physical presence. I don’t JUST LIVE IN THE PAST JOYS, but they are sure nice to have as a “storehouse” of good. I want to continue to make new and joyful memories today and in the future. Live each day in joy. When days come that there isn’t a lot of joy, I can always take out a “package of past joys” to chirp me up.
(Report abusive comment)
onguard68 says:
Kat, I agree. I noticed the same things, RE: “They don’t like the way I expose their lies and pull off their masks”. Prior to understanding or exposing her for who she is I noticed the relationship diminished with each confrontation that exposed her – not even knowing what I was doing at the time.
Again I see the word “threat” brought up. She felt I was a threat to her a few times that I recall. I mentioned this earlier but she said “are you threatening me”, or “is that a threat”? when no threat was made. Something I said or asked her made her feel I was threatening her. I also recall her saying “too much damage is done” when we would discuss another moment of moving forward with the relationship. She took any confrontation I made, shot it down and made me think I was nuts for asking or confronting her on a lie or whatever.
Here is a shocker… 11 days after we met (our 2nd or 3rd time together) she said or did something that made me fire back with “are you playing me”? I remember saying it as if I felt I was being played and I remember being a bit upset over whatever it was; I was serious when I asked. Red flag!
So far with the NO CONTACT (at least removing the txt msg) capabilities, I feel more empowered. She simply can’t txt me. That helped a lot.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Onguard,
you are so right, any independence on your part, any confrontation of her lies IS a threat to her “house of cards”–NO CONTACT is power for you, is control for you. That also may be a “threat” to her, but at the same time, it is the only POWER YOU HAVE IS TO CHOOSE NOT TO INTERACT with her.
Hopefully, she will move on to another victim, and I hate to say that, cause it sounds like we want someone else to get zinged, and that isn’t the case, but it is a fact of life that they do move on to the next victim when we refuse to be the victim any longer. Good luck! Keep your strength and keep your power!
(Report abusive comment)
pollyannanomore says:
Wonderful! I too was waiting for Prince Charming to pluck me out of my unhappiness although there was nothing technically wrong with my life at the time. I was just itching for it to be filled with love of the ever lasting variety. I wanted him to build me a life I loved because I didn’t think I was capable. After giving him the reigns to my life for almost a decade and watching everything burn to ashes, I now think I am a safer bet to build my perfect life than anyone else could ever be.
I know some of the things I want and only I am committed enough to make those things happen. To relinquish my power to someone else is to give them free reign to ruin my life. So I am responsible for building my life the way I want it. And if I meet someone who can contribute to those dreams then that;s great. But it’s not a required element anymore. I CAN do it all by myself. I don’t need to give up my life and dreams to have a relationship and I never will again. The price of watching him destroy everything was just too high for me. Too many wasted years.
Many thanks – you have a wonderful gift for expression – you pack so much meaning into so few words and always convey the intricate details that only those in relationships with sociopaths can know. Please keep writing!
(Report abusive comment)
panther says:
Wow, that was a great article. I am so glad to have internet back so I can get back to reading. I needed my “article per day” or more routine so much last week. Every week!
This was a good one for me today. Yes, he’s still playing his stupid game somewhere, because it’s ALL HE CAN DO. Lately I’ve actually been pitying him a little, because I’ve realized how much of life he’s missing out on: all of it, basically. I’m fortunate to be a creature living without such limitations.
I’m working on that relationship with myself. Takes time getting to know her really well, but she’s the one person I should be able to count on for life
It’s an important relationship.
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
That’s right Panther, we must be able to live with ourselves, by ourselves and be content with that. If we must have someone to complete us we are doomed..ok enuff of that bullshit, I am going to town to get me some chocolate – in the rain ~!
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Hens, if it is raining where you are you are fortunate indeed! DANCE in the RAIN for me!!!!!! I went to the auction and ate a rootbeer float! YUM!!!! Sometimes it is okay to say “DIET IS A 4-LETTER WORD!” Just can’t do it every day!
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
Hens…
RAIN?! You have rain?! Now buddy boy, you are SUCH a tease. First you’re going to get chocolate AND you have rain. AND you had Pikes Peak. They way things are lined up for you, I recommend a lottery ticket. Two. Get the powerball one. And when you go to sleep, dream of rainbows in Hawaii.
Katy, who says OOOooo ENVY!?! Well, good for you my friend. Glad when someone has blessings b/c it affirms the possibility of some for myself.
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
Oxy,
we think alike. doncha think he’s making us envious that HE gets rain?
Katy, who just started but is going offline while i run to the store. think i’ll make Mai Tai’s to go with my hot humid night.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
movingon – for some reason i can’t log into the ‘fake baby thread,’ so i will write to you here. I have never hated anyone until the spath (although i probably came close with the bully from my early school years).
they hurt us so much and steal so much from us, i think it is quite reasonable to hate them. i wanted the right to my hate as much as i want the right to change hating her. i think the hardest thing is how others respond to my hate. the people on lf are the best – they get it. a couple of other folks i have talked to (in corrections, councilors) seem to have space for me hating the spath – but in general i think it is seen as a character flaw and something I should get over, move on from, grow up from, yada, yada, yada.
I will know i have healed a lot when i stop hating her. I still do hate her, and i would still harm her physically if i had a chance to. a punch in the face would be a good start. i am sure i had sandbox skirmishes as a kid; i hit the bully 2 times, an an ex once; and my mom once (she was getting quite slappy with me and one day i hit her back – she didn’t touch me after that). these times of physical violence were all self defense. i never whacked my n sib, and should have. we were only ever in one fight that got a bit physical as kids/ teens. i should have whacked her many times….but i loved her and put up with her shit. now there’s a statement that has ruined millions of lives…’but, i loved her (him).’
as self defense i think it is quite natural to hate them. they are threatening. they seek to mess with us, seek to hurt and in some cases destroy us. i think hatred is quite a natural response. and i think it has a whole lot to do with fear. we tend to twin those things. I am becoming more and more ambivalent about the spath herself. not that i don’t still fear her and what she did to me, but my sense of rage is distilling into ‘hard’ boundaries of protection, and the more i see that i can put up steel shields of protection around myself, and that i still also want to let people in (event though it scares me terribly), the less i fear her/ the wreckage of what i am left with. (the wreckage is now more my concern than she is.)
i think there is very little other expression of my fear and hurt possible – other than wanting to do her physical harm. i will not take her on in a public forum, i will not reveal myself to her, and when i do take her on anonymously and covertly, i back away when it tweaks me. I think that hating her and wanting to whack her are really the only venues of expression i have.
i know it is different when you have to interact with these hunks of feces in an ongoing way. I wish great strength to those of us who are in custody battles and going through divorce with them….i don’t know that i would have any option than to become cold as steel in those circumstances, and it would scar me.
over time i may find some other modes than hatred and the wish to do physical harm…but right now what i see on the horizon is ambivalence.
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
rain and chocolate oh my – it’s a good thing…
1steprs – was reading your post and I understand how you feel about hate, I hate what she did to you and how many others? What you encountered was so unreal and sick, that bitch should be locked up for life. But dont let what happened fill you with hate..take from that experience what you can and try not to live with hate in your heart.
I used to hate the people that did me so wrong, but do they care? no..it takes so much emotion to hate..just remove yourself from them, bury the past because it does not change, it is what it was…dont give them the power to do you harm anymore..there is no getting even with evil…
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hens – i agree with you on point 1 (rain and choc); point 2 (what she is, where she should be and on point 3 (not ot live filled with hate.)
i am not sure that i am hateful to try to make her suffer (but it bears investigating). i am hateful because what she did was nasty, and it’s a natural reaction to that.
i am making efforts to re enter life. at work i am working with a number of students (challenging) and my new asst. (again challenging). with both of these situations i have to try really hard to be ‘even’ and figure out the best way to ‘teach’ them and partner with them. these challenges are important because i want them to be successful, so i have to try really hard to be calm. i don’t want to go off half cocked when they do stupid or unknowing blundering things. it’s gong back into life that will wear the hate out of me – because i need a quiet heart to be in the world.
btw i went to a talk the other night at the uni with a group that turned out to be fro gender studies – all young enough to be my kids. had a brilliant time, and plan to do it again next month.
i also went to see one of my lost freinds last night. we talked for quite awhile. not sure what it will come to, or what i want it to – but it was a good ting to do. i avoided the other lost freind by crossing the street earlier in the evening. don’t want to connect with her. i have decided she has a heart the size of a peanut.
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
1steprs We just have to keep pluggin along and make it the best we can – that beats being miserable.. You are getting out there and being with people – that is good – better than me – i just stick with ones I know are safe.. I did meet a guy recently that was (well when I shook his hand electric currents went woo hoo) but he is unavailable – cant get him off my mind – another onion to peel……..
yes peanut hearts and peanut brains are abundant….
(Report abusive comment)
ElizabethBennett says:
I think I am finally at that point of trying to love being me. I am satisfied with who I am and I think that having the Narcissist actually helps me with that. Everytime I see behavior that I don’t like, I thank GOD that it is NOT me. I am grateful that I don’t see people that way or manipulate people like that. I am proud that I do things for people just to be good to them and not respecting anything in return. I don’t need to hang with fancy people to define who I am. That is an unfortunate way to live.
I did get a hang up phone call last night and I did check to make sure that it wasn’t ex spaths number, or his wife’s. Thank GOD it wasn’t, but I did get a little anxiety initially. It’s funny how more than two years later and I still get that twinge of anxiety over what was evidently just a random wrong number.
(Report abusive comment)
Louise says:
Hens:
Yeah, those ones who give us that electricfying feeling are the ones who are hard to forget and are usually unavailable it seems. I can’t seem to figure that out…I’m sure I never will.
(Report abusive comment)
ElizabethBennett says:
Louise-I think you WILL figure that out. It’s still too fresh for you maybe. It took me a long time, over 2 years to figure out that thing with the eyes for me. My narcissists have shown me the puppy dog, vulnerable brown eyes to draw me in-a man and a woman did it. I now know not to fall for those eyes and those eyes have become a big red flag to me. I got the same feelings from those eyes with both people and I sure am going to head the other way if I get those feelings from someone in the future.
Everytime I look into her eyes and get all squishy inside I just tell myself that I am looking at personality #2 and don’t fall for that. In time you will realize just what little quirks makes you fall for these people and you will learn to talk yourself around it.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hens and louise – oh, this is interesting. I met someone the other night at the talk i went to who actually got up and came to sit beside me after about 2 hours of the whole group sharing. i felt a pretty strong interest in what this person had to say – and wanted to ask questions of them. i actually felt a magnetic like pull. it’s a lovely and freaky thing to feel. we really hit it off and spoke for hours to one another within the larger group. i have been shutting down any thoughts i am having now and at the end of the evening spent a lot of time deconstructing the pull’s effect on my thinking ‘wondering’/ behaviour.
i have found that since the n (which was a time of re-awkening after 18 years single) that i feel these pulls and its like i become mesmerized. the pulls are both emotional and physical and lead to mental attachment and obsession. if i can break the attachment and obsession (which requires CONSTANT practice) then i think i can get to the underlying base of the ‘pull’.
i find it odd that i feel these pulls so intensely – if i were younger i might just run after people and sleep with them – but i know i can’t do that now as i don’t want to. i fall in love with people i sleep with, so i only want to sleep with a person I WANT to fall in love with and have a long term relationship with.
(Report abusive comment)
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
lizzy – ‘Everytime I look into her eyes and get all squishy inside I just tell myself that I am looking at personality #2 and don’t fall for that. In time you will realize just what little quirks makes you fall for these people and you will learn to talk yourself around it. ‘
well done!
(Report abusive comment)
ElizabethBennett says:
One-thanks and I can totally get everything that you just wrote up above-about the magnetic pull. That’s what I get with THEM and those eyes and it leads to the magnetic pull and you all know about how obsessed I was with her, and I had to break it. I still can’t promise that I won’t fall for it again with another person down the line, but I am looking at living next door to her as good practice for what I could run into in the future. It is interesting and sometimes entertaining is hell. It’s like watching a research subject and I am so in tune with what she’s doing. I’m learning so much. I never could believe that I could see that being so close to one of THEM would be something positive. I see so many things on a daily basis that shows the N ness.
You will get better with the magnetic pull as time goes by and I also fall in love with someone if I sleep with them, so that is why I don’t go there. The object is to wait until you fall in love with someone and THEN sleep with them. That is my plan for life. Only right now, no one gets in cuz I’m not ready.
(Report abusive comment)
darwinsmom says:
Still ok to have this come up
Sheesh, I’m just a bleeding heart, and I’m proud of it. At the school where I work as an interim teacher until New Year, there’s a small NP (a very small one). Anyway, there’s lots of stray cats running around the school, especially because some voluntary people leave out food at the gate where we teachers have our smoking spot outside of the schoolyard. Today I discovered there’s a kitten close to 4 months old has chosen the bushes near the food sources as its hiding places. It’ll hide from cars, but when the smokers stand near after a while he ventures out and seeks contact. By the second time I had a smoking pause there, he was ready to climb in my lap, purring to heart’s content, eager to play, even rolled on its back to get a belly rub. Poor thing has lost half its tail already (and it’s either sinew or part of the bone sticking out), but it must have been healed, since he’s perfectly fine with me stroking his tail. He does have earmite and highly probably has worms. And he has these cute orange-brown eyes… the colour you rarely see. At first, I was sure he’d be fine out there. But on my way driving home I decided to look for a cat adoption center in the neigbourhood of that school. He’s still young enough to have a chance to adapt to domesticated life, and he’s so social. Heck, I was able to pick him up without a problem several times, and he’d appear as soon as I made luring noises to hi. So, I don’t believe he’s been born in the wild.
He’s so cute, I’m tempted to take him in myself, but I cannot quarantaine him from my Darwin and such a kitten has to go through health check ups and quarantaine first. Plus my current appartment is too small for 2 cats.
But it doesn’t mean I cannot help him in finding a good home. So, I found and called a center near the school area. Once I told them about the tail and that I could pick him up, they told me to bring him in. Unfortunately I won’t be at the school before Thursday. I so hope he hangs around for 2 more days, and is neither lured by the drug addicts that apparently hang around there at night or chased off by the bigger tomcats. I’m almost tempted to try and make the 50 km drive tomorrow in the afternoon and get it done tomorrow.
I hope he hasn’t acquired any cat disease yet and stays around long enough for me to do what ensures giving him a good home. If he’s healthy and I manage to bring him to the center, I’m sure he’ll get adopted soon: pretty, supercute, and a defect… Apparently the handicapped pets are adopted the most over the non handicapped ones, because people who go to an animal shelter for a pet already have an altruistic intent to begin with, and none of them can resist a specia need pet.
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
onejoy – I missed your above post back on oct. 9, are you still in contact with this person that pushes your button’s? That was a very intimate thing you shared with us..kinda gave me goosebumples that you felt that way, this is a good sign I think, not just because of that person but that you had those feelings, you have been so walled off from that kind of emotion.
I fall in love a dozen time’s a day, from a distance and from behind my wall.
Darwinsmom – Your above post warmed my heart..thanx..hope that puty cat gets a good home because of you.
(Report abusive comment)
Shalom says:
darwinsmom:
I also have a tender heart when it comes to animals. Go and get him, it will give you peace of mind and him a chance at a good life. A blessing for the both of you. Shalom
(Report abusive comment)