After the sociopath is gone: Hear me roar
It has been five years since the sociopath was arrested and I was set free. Five years of growth, of change, of healing.
Five years of pain and sorrow leading the way to laughter and joy, abundance and gratitude.
Five years after the ending of that debacle, I am grateful that I no longer have to think about him, or worry about him, or do things because of him, or even for him.
Five years of growing into doing for me. Living for me. Turning up for me without fear.
What a difference time makes.
As I look back to those days when my life was narrowly defined by what he wanted, he said, he needed, he dictated, I am in awe of how far I’ve come, by how much has changed.
I am in awe.
Of who I have become, who I am, how I’ve changed.
In these five years I have found my voice and claimed my right to use it proudly. Sure, I had a voice before the sociopath rode in. And, I had a voice while with him. Even before him however, I never truly knew how to use my voice. I never truly knew the unique qualities of my voice.
When I met him, he told me how sweet my voice sounded. I believed him and asked him to tell me more. And he did. Beautiful, round, plump words of affirmation that seduced me with the sound of his voice echoing my words. And then, time moved on and his words became bitter and harsh. The sound of my voice irritated him and frightened me. I grew silent. Afraid. Lost. In my silence, I lost my ability to speak up, to voice my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas. I lost my ability to recognize my very own unique voice.
Five years since the moment of his arrest, I have found my voice again.
Hear me roar.
My voice is no longer a dulcet tone sweetly singing a serenade befitting his promises of love everlasting. Of gentle words calling out for his love undying, his love forever more. My voice is no longer a plaintive ode running away from the truth of his deceit and my betrayal ringing loud and clear through every note.
Today, my voice is a mighty roar. It is power. It is strength. It is courage. It is my truth spoken in love because I have the courage to stand up for me and speak without fear of ever being judged unlovable, unwanted, unworthy.
I am worthy.
Today, my voice is a song of freedom. Pure. Clear. Powerful. My voice carries. It carries me through tough times, hard times, over rocky ground and inclement weather.
My voice is strong. My voice is the sound of me standing up for what I believe in, what I desire, what I deserve. My voice is speaking up for me and speaking out against that which I cannot stand up for without fearing ridicule or dissension. With my voice I know, disagreement does not equal rejection. With my truth spoken clearly, I no longer reject my voice or allow it to be turned off by someone else’s assertions that they hold the only truth I need to hear.
My voice is fearless. My voice is caring. My voice is loving. My voice is unique.
Long ago I lost my voice beneath the sadness of loving a man whom I did not deserve. Long ago, I buried my voice beneath the sorrow of loving a man who was untrue.
No more.
Today, I claim my right to speak up. To be heard. To be counted on and counted in. Today, I let go of searching for meaning in someone else’s words because I know my own truth. When I speak for who I am and what I believe in, I am free to live in love with all of me. Fearlessly. Effortlessly. With grace and ease.
Once upon a time, I lost my voice. Today, I speak up, passionately, courageously, fearlessly. In having moved away from those days of loathing the sound of my own voice, I know what was can never be because what was with him was only fantasy.
Today, I step fearlessly into the truth. My voice is unique. Hear me roar.
And in my voice, I invite you to claim your truth as well. Your voice is unique. Let it roar.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
LovingAnnie says:
Good Sunday afternoon to you, M.L. Gallagher.
That is WONDERFUL. A truly inspiring roar, and great news.
You said it so eloquently. Congratulations !
I want to be there one day too. I believe I can be. I am on my way…
Sunday, 8 June 2008 @ 7:01pm
bird says:
My truth is right in front of me now. Living in the fantasy world of love for so long, I am confronted by the remarkable boredom that exists in my everday life. I am on bedrest. I can’t exercise, garden, or bikeride. I get tired walking through the stores. The lonliness that follows after a love affair is over, especially on bedrest, is overwhelming. Thank god I only have one more month to keep this baby in my tummy. There is only so much internet, tv, and reading that I can do before I explode. I want my hobbies and inspiration back!
I also want to be able to write on myspace etc without worrying if I am violating no contact. It seems like if I write something, and someone reads it, it could be the sociopath, and then I am communicating indirectly. Even at this site I worry that he has been here and from my postings he knows its me. Am I violating no contact by being here? Am I giving too much information about myself? I don’t even want to worry about it.
I have a goal to reach out to a different person everyday. I am not getting that connection with anyone that I felt with the ex sociopath, even if it was only on my side. The assurance that I would get called multiple times a day from him, stopped me from reaching out to different people. So instead I am working on getting a connection from a larger group of people instead of one person. I have a long way to go before I feel the same level of connection.
I am not in the mood to date right now. To my surprise and ego boost, I have been asked out on dates even though I am very pregnant. I don’t want to date for a while. It has become increasing clear to me that I need to work on my truth before I date.
My truth that has revealed itself in the wake of the sociopath, is that I have a fear that the people I find interesting will find me as boring as I find myself. It seems as if they always do. And, the people that I don’t find initally interesting, I don’t know how to become friends with because I have never tried, and I really need to. This is my truth, and I need to work on it, outside of dating.
Dating is my cop out, to my truth. Dating is my grasping for a connection with someone, anyone that i find remotely interesting, to sweep my truth under the carpet to forget about it for a while. My truth, is a lonely place. But I am sure that it is my truth, that is the reason I ended up with a sociopath in the first place.
Sunday, 8 June 2008 @ 10:21pm
HL says:
Bird,
I have the same feeling oddly enough….
By the way, do whatever you’d like to do (ex. myspace)
I actually got a real protection order, and the judge said it is not me but him(sociopath) who should avoid you.
You got an emotional protection order so you are being protected!!!!
Yes… I went outside and realized that there are so many happy couples. I cannot still understand how that bad sociopath messed up my whole life.
Over this con artist, my whole family is going through a hard time. I just talked with my mom, and she told me that my whole family cannot sleep because they cannot still believe that how my ex could do all the acting (like he had cancer treatment…. After his fake cancer treatment, he acted as like he was really sick… he pucked.. pucked… and cried with anger and fake fear. Poor me and poor my family have all the burden over this. Marriage fraud…that’s something even more serious in Asian country that you cannot even think about. My social life is basically done in my country. I don’t have choice but to stay here if I really would like to have a job….. but he made me to face a personal bankruptcy…. what can I do????
Sunday, 8 June 2008 @ 10:49pm
Beverly says:
When I feel anxious I feel it in my throat, my throat closes and I get this constricted feeling. I had that all the time when I was with the N. My normally strong voice, sounded strangled and weak, like he had his hands round my throat. When I rang friends, they noticed my state of mental health by the way I SOUNDED. At times I felt like I was gasping for breath, like all my ‘communication energy’ was being strangled and I felt anxious around him alot. Since he left, I have returned to normality in my voice.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 4:00am
M.L. Gallagher says:
Hello everyone,
Annie, thanks!
Bird, after the sociopath, I found my truth was elusive. So many lies had taken hold of my psyche that every thought was filtered through the untruths he had told me, masquarading as if they were real.
To find my truth I had to keep asking myself the question, “Is this true? If I believe it to be true, do I want to live with it forever or am I willing to let it go to find what’s real beneath it?”
No Contact is meant to protect you — it’s important in that process that you write out, speak out, let go of what you must in connection with him. Whether or not he’s spying is not important to your life today — you’re being able to speak freely, to write out your anger, fear, frustration, loneliness, the emotions that are boiling within you because of that relationship — that is important. This is a safe place for you to heal, keep writing it out, keep giving voice to what ails you so that you can leap for joy into what heals you.
I was alone in my healing. Once I let go of my fear of facing the truth, loneliness evaporated and I was given a beautiful sense of calm — this is my one and only wild and precious life. It’s up to me to live it up!
HL, I am sorry to hear that in your culture it is so difficult to let go of what he did so you can be free.
My mother used to like to tell me how what had happened affected everyone in my family — I would reply, thank you for caring enough to share.
And let it go.
Marriage fraud is serious in any country — unfortunately, what these people do is the same in any country — they lie, deceive, abuse, manipulate — and move on to the next target.
What he did was never about you. It had everything to do with him. He did what he did because he could — and he’ll keep doing it because he can. And it was never about you.
I believe the only thing we can do is to claim our right to live free of abuse. Claim our right to be the awesome, amazing women and men we are.
Beverly — isn’t that amazing. My daughters always said that when I spoke with the sociopath, I sounded weird. I sounded just as you said (and felt it too!) “like he had his hands round my throat.”
Thanks!
ML
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 8:06am
apt/mgr says:
Good morning,ML,
You expressed so well the joy at having a voice and opinion back. I walked around for so many years with my eyes downcast and wouldn’t make eye contact with most anyone, other than my children, for fear of seeing that scathing look that had been directed at me for many years. I think of how I went from this happy woman, deliriously happy at being a wife with the prospects of being a mother, to only have it diminish with each word and action. The joy of being my children’s mother never left, but being a wife and woman did. Actually I hated being a wife. I had all kinds of thoughts inside of me. None of doing bodily harm, but always figured the only way I’d ever be truly happy would be if my husband died or I did. What an awful way to live.
The worst part was knowing in my heart what was happening, but the helplessness of doing something about it. I was a transplant in a community where my husband was well known, but I wasn’t. They would have believed him but not me. Granted he didn’t beat me physically, but what he did to my spirit did more damage. To be loved and cared for prior to marriage and to be discarded within 6 months after, and then be subject to the love/hate, never knowing how I would be perceived on a daily basis, left a lasting memory. I read where the first lie in a marriage begins at the altar. Without truth, the whole relationship is a debacle.
That’s what left me so vulnerable to this man who insisted we were friends. He just saw me as an easy target and he too, took my voice. I was so weakened by what I thought was my need for a man in my life and wanting to be fulfilled as a woman, that I allowed him, too, to determine my boundaries. I see the ridiculousness of it all now. I just don’t understand why some go through it and others recognize it for what it is. I think there are more like us than not. If a man, like my “friend” can sweet talk and woo all the women he has to satisfy his lust, proves there are a lot of women who have weak boundaries like I had. I just would like to see these kinds of men humbled.
I, too, am thankful I live in a country where I can declare my freedom. Being a submissive wife doesn’t mean we have to be subservient. But why don’t these American men see that? Why are there so many out here who want to dominate a woman and not see her as an equal? Something has really gotten lost in the translation! I want to pass on to all women the need for strong boundaries and to know they have rights just like any other woman has. A single woman goes through life doing what works for her. Why does a man think he has the right to take her freedom of independence away when he says he loves her? I am not a woman who will drop her hanky just so a man will pick it up so he feels needed. If I have to go through life being needy to make a man feel needed, I’ll be alone. I can’t and won’t be something I’m not.
But I, too, add my voice with all the rest. Sure feels good. In fact this friend who wanted to own me, told me not too long ago, that I became a mouth. I’m like, you are so right and it’s about time. I used to be intimidated by the sound of my own voice and the fear of saying the wrong thing. Now I speak the truth in God’s love and if those who hear don’t like it, I say, take it up with Him. He has brought the truth and freedom I deserved.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 9:03am
apt/mgr says:
Just another thought that comforts me. For those who love God’s words and see them as truth…Psalm 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy!! Our tears don’t go unrewarded or unnoticed. Someone really does care.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 9:23am
OxDrover says:
Very well put M. L.–wouldn’t it be wonderful is we could all roar in unison?!!!! Maybe, just maybe, our roars (on blogs like this and others) will reach some of the people who most desperately need to hear it so that they can realize that they are ABLE to escape, and join their roar to ours! Thank you.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 9:31am
JaneSmith says:
That was lovely and poetic, ML. Also powerful, moving and inspirational. I hear you loud and clear, make no mistake about that…haha.
The search for my very own truth, my own voice, has been a slow, arduous, ongoing process for about 4 years now. I can pinpoint exactly the time when I started asking myself these questions..”Who am I? What is my purpose? Am I strong enough to seek, understand, and implement these life altering questions/answers? Or, am I going to continue to do it the way I’ve always been doing it because change is scary?”
Yes, change can be terrifying, but change is inevitable. I either need to move with it, or be left behind, stagnant, stuck in the same old ruts time & time again.
And a strange thing started happening to me. I discovered that as I welcomed, embraced the inevitability of change (in myself and in the world), so many wonderful opportunities, so many wonderful CHOICES were exposed to me.
I no longer fear change. Change is good.
When I found LoveFraud 2 months ago, I was hurt, disenchanted, heartbroken from what I thought was something real. I don’t blame my Xbf for deceiving me into believing he was someone I could trust, love. I don’t blame anyone actually anymore. But it was by my very own consent, my very own girlish romantic fantasies, my very own lack of reasonable, self-protecting boundaries, that I willingly allowed him into my precious life. And it has been a destructive pattern for many years of my life. I’m no masochist; I don’t like pain, pain hurts! But through the pain of suffering, through rigorous self-discovery, I have found my very own lovely voice.
Wanna hear it? It’s deep and husky, vibrant & robust with life, love & joy.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 3:05pm
bird says:
Thank you ML Gallagher.
It makes me feel good to read what you wrote. After reading it, I realize that this life is about me and my needs now. I have been telling myself today that it is about me and my baby now. I don’t have to worry about him any more. What a relief! It just feels so good to have that realization today.
HL-my cousin declared bankrupsy and is going to school. The two can be done at the same time. I think you might not be able to buy a house for a while. But I would do what you can to finish school. It will be your savior in the end.
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 9:18pm
eyeswideshut says:
ML Gallagher, Can you say more about marriage fraud? How does one establish a case etc.?? Thanks
Monday, 9 June 2008 @ 11:06pm
HL says:
Bird, ML and everybody,
Thank you!
I am in the middle of my finals. Of course, my whole program people know about what happend and are helping me to go through this hardship.
I am going to finish my school no matter what.
That will be the best revenge for the man who tried to take everything from me. The real valuable thing for me was no matter what my school and my family.
He lied that if I don’t behave me well bad people will kill not just me but my whole family (with his fake CIA job and his friends)….. I was so relieved when I first heard my mom’s voice after he almost forced me not to contact aybody with a gun.
Eyeswideshut,
a wedding fraud is really serious that can destroy your whole life…. everybody who even married to sociopaths, they are all victim of wedding fraud I think….
I am going to finish my finals…
Cheers everybody!
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 1:05am
M.L. Gallagher says:
The power of many women and men rising up, speaking up, calling out to each other with strength, hope and experience is awesome!
Thank you everyone for your words. You give me courage to keep using my voice. You inspire me to keep standing up.
Eyes — marriage fraud was a term HL used — it’s a good one. I don’t know that there’s a legal precedent, but it’s worth investigating.
Apt/mgr — I love this! “I am a mouth!” LOL — that friend was so right!
Ox, we are a mighty roar!
JaneSmith — what a beautiful voice you have. Thank you for adding it to our song. Thank you for rising up in spirit and joy!
Bird — that is a powerful realization. I’m so glad you are living it for you and your baby.
HL — Yipeeee!!! Now that is powerful. Good for you for exacting the best revenge of all — a life well lived! You go woman!
Cheers,
ML
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 7:27am
betrayed says:
I’m not free of my P yet. He was arrested and tried. He was found not guilty. He and his mother both lied under oath to discredit my testimony. The judge could not find guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.
Here’s the thing. I wake up in the morning angry. Angry thoughts pop into my head at random times during the day. I have bad dreams about them.
I found out that he has 3 warrants for his arrest someplace in the US. When I called there to ask about why he wasn’t picked up, I was told the crimes had to be serious violent offenses.
It turns out though, that I can actually pay for his return to that state by hiring a fugitive recovery agency. This is possible because he skipped bail and the contract can be transferred from that agency to this one. The agent I spoke to got copies of the warrants and are waiting for me to make a decision.
The fugitive recovery agent believes he would serve time — as much as a year. Any time he’s off the streets would mean fewer people at risk. Fewer people would be conned. Fewer people would be at risk of injury or death because of his drunk driving. I believe the whole episode would be over for me at long last.
Does anyone know enough about the legal system to know if a bail jumping, probation violator would most likely be kept without bail? I think my biggest concern is that they’d just let him go on bail again, and there’d just be a 4th warrant.
BTW, the fugitive recovery agent promised complete anonymity.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 7:43am
James says:
Thanks for you words of encouragement and hope for a better tomorrow. I know that I am stronger because of what happen to my children and I. In pain we do grow. From tears we do heal. The flog of denial lifted. The fear of shame lessen day by day… Yes, people of the world. Hear us roar our theme of freedom and independent from those we once loved…
I wrote this a few years ago and wanted to share it with you all..
The Community
By: James XXXXX
Found a Community with people like me
Waking around in a fog, needing answers or
just needing to be..
Begging for lost ones, Lost in a Fog of tears
and fears…
Lost to this community, lost to me
Lost forever in a fog of dreams, and of lies
Of things that can never be…
So, we help each other in this Community
Were all paths lead to heartbreaks in
the center of this Community
Leaving trails of tears, and of fears…
With each member reaching to each other
in this Community….
Oh, why did this had to be?
oh why did they have to leave us be?
Along crying and begging for thee
Each one of us broken and busted inside of
this community..
And why oh why, my community?
Do I still cry for them to return
to this community. Lost of us, lost to me
Oh, No don’t let that be. But let them
come out of their fog, their dreams
And lies of what will never be….
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 7:58am
iradessa says:
My voice is soft and strong. I find it’s in the whispe not the screams where I find peace where I can be of assistance to the next woman. Who has no hope. To be a power of example, is so healing to say this is what was and this is what is booms with a soft, encouraging blast that can pull us through. It can happen to you (the healing) it happened for me.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 9:19am
rperk6069 says:
Betrayed,
I have also been thru something similar. Unfortunately, it all depends on the judge. Your guy could be picked up and spend a few days in jail until his court hearing and the judge could post bail or the judge just may sentence him right on the spot. The system is not always a good one.
Tuesday, 10 June 2008 @ 10:06am
Wini says:
I just thought of what else positive comes our way after the anti-social psychos are gone from our lives.
What they did to lie and scheme to destroy us to our very core.
After we heal through our pain caused by their devastation … we dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up and go on in life backing our words and our actions to others we shall meet on our journey in life.
We learned the hard way and know first hand how devasting and ruthlessness the anti-socials are in this world and what they have done and will continue to do to others.
Our legacy is to ensure the complete opposite of what anti-socials are all about TRIUMPHS “Godliness over the egos of evil”.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008 @ 3:17am
Wini says:
A Prayer for Today
Dear God, I know that I can often rely on what you have given me rather than on you, the one who has given it all to me. Help me to realize that when I look to you first for security, though, everything else will fall into place. You will give me security beyond the here and now. In you I will find eternal security. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
Peace to every one.
Saturday, 5 July 2008 @ 5:53am
Beverly says:
Dear Wini, I think your pray is one of the routes I am striving to learn.
Saturday, 5 July 2008 @ 5:11pm
Wini says:
Dear Beverly:
Me too. Most of the time I’m up and then once in a blue, blue, blue moon I’m down. I guess it’s inevitable after reading what most people have blogged about. It triggers memories. Memories that we all have, but I am trying to put that positive spin on it as if to say “you treated us like a joke, well, guess what, we can treat you like it’s all fun and games too”. I’m trying to get to that place like “X” who? That the name sounds familiar, but you can’t quit picture the name and the face together. That’s how I want to be about all of this. I’m getting there. I’m in the mid 90 range 2 years down the road. Another less than 10% to go and I’m out over the ball park. Should have done what my dad told me to do in my teens, about my life not being like baseball, it’s not 3 strikes and you are out. How could I even make the call if he didn’t show any psycho qualities. He built a better mouse trap. Not acting like one.. It does break my heart though … knowing that he can never love.
Saturday, 5 July 2008 @ 5:55pm
Cheryl says:
I had to grow a set of balls because of my ex’s anti social behaviours. I now believe my balls are bigger than his and I am very pround of this! The start of my recovery happened when the IRS started their investigation on him. He hadn’t filed a tax return since 1978 and is up to a $300,000 balance. The Securities and Exhange Commission is investigating him and the company he worked for 10 years. Seems he was selling securities without a license. He is now out of a job and last I checked nobody was answering phones at his office and their web site account was suspended. The local county tax collector’s office went back 3 years and it seems he filed fraudulant homestead. They doubled his taxes for the last 3 years. This whack job finally got what he deserves!
Wednesday, 13 August 2008 @ 7:50am
alohatraveler says:
Cheryl,
I celebrate the above with you. Yay!
Sometimes, if we just wait, their dirty deeds close in on them. :o)
Wednesday, 13 August 2008 @ 12:00pm
OxDrover says:
Dear Cheryl,
I agree with Aloha, I also celebrate when someone’s P gets Justice–their just reward for their deeds.
Not all of us get that, or get it only partly, but some skate away “Scot-Free” without receiving their “reward.” At least in this life time!
I like your comment about having to “grow a set of balls”–LOL back when I was working the larger pair of steers my sons and my friends used to tease me that I had a “set of four brass balls” because I had mounted large (golf ball sized) brass balls on the tips of the steer’s horns when we did parades and exhibitions. (I didn’t leave them on all the time as they would have rubbed them off on trees)
There seems to be a societal difference of opinon in how women act vs men.
In a man it is “assertiveness” and in a woman it is “aggressiveness.”
In a man it is “standing up for himself” and in a woman it is “being demanding”
Etc etc.
Yea, I’ve got BRASS BALLS and I’m proud of them!! Wanna See’em, I’ll show’em to you! I’ll back up if I can, but if you push me into a hole and keep pushing, I’ll come out like a mad mamma badger, all teeth and toenails.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008 @ 12:19pm