Finding a real relationship after a sociopath
PDF The following story was sent by the Lovefraud reader who comments under the name “LovingAnnie.” This woman—we’ll call her Annie—spent four years waiting for a relationship to materialize with a policeman who tantalized her with flattery and promises. Here’s what Annie wrote:
Annie and the cop
I called 9-1-1 for the first time in my life (a neighbor problem), and when I answered the door, my first thought on seeing him was, “wow—he is sooo cute.”
We ended up talking for almost an hour and exchanging phone numbers.
He told me he’d been a cop for almost 20 years, was divorced with two kids. That a few years after the divorce was final, he had a girlfriend who was also a police officer, but they had recently broken up because they saw life differently, and she drank too much.
I’d see him every week or so when he was driving by, and he’d stop and chat for a while. He seemed such a perfect fit for me, and that we had so much in common. He was close to my age, so clean cut in lifestyle and appearance, liked to cook, liked to read, liked to exercise, had a great dry sense of humor, was politically incorrect and religiously indifferent, and we were physically attracted to each other as well.
He called, but he wasn’t asking me out. I tried to play it cool, let things unfold slowly, with no pressure, but something just felt wrong. He’d ask me what I was wearing, talk about how he wanted to kiss my neck … He seemed so connected to me when we talked, and I loved talking to him about anything and everything, it was just comfortable and easy. But he didn’t try to see me off of work; there were no dates. It was frustrating but I didn’t want to be aggressive.
This went on for months. He’d call, tell me I was beautiful, sensuous, intelligent, loving, warm, giving, beguiling—and that he was sexually and emotionally scared of me. That he knew I wouldn’t hurt him, but he’d hurt himself. That I was dangerous, that he got flustered around me …
And then he would disappear … For a month or two, and then come back, always smiling, always sweet. (It turns out he had never broken up with his girlfriend at all, and in fact, they were about to buy a house together.)
But by that time I was hooked. I was so naive and hopeful and trusting, I believed every word he said. He was a cop, a good guy, he seemed so sincere and genuine …
I thought he was really a nice guy and behaving himself, that he was waiting until they were broken up to do anything with me, being honorable. He told me he was fiercely loyal.
This went on for 3 years … I’d only see him occasionally, but he always made it seem like if I’d just be patient, things would work between us. I’d try dating other people to get my mind off of him, and nothing ever worked out, so back to the policeman my thoughts would go …
He’d cuddle me; we’d just sit on the sofa for an hour or two wrapped around each other like 16-year-olds who don’t go past second base … He’d always be obviously aroused, but didn’t try to have sex with me—again, I thought he was treating me with respect, and that meant I could trust him. He wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend, we were waiting until things were right and we could be together.
He’d talk about how pissed off he would get at his girlfriend for passing out drunk, throwing up blood, going into rehab and then coming home and drinking again immediately, etc.
I thought for sure by comparison I looked like a prize since I rarely drank. I was financially stable, didn’t have any kids of my own, and had no baggage with an ex-husband. I even told him that he could come live with me if he wanted to, and that I adored him. He said I was so open and he was so guarded …
He’d tell me he drove my house three times a shift. (He was lying, he drove by once every three weeks.)
I said, “If you know you aren’t ever going to break up with T, and you know you don’t want me for a girlfriend when you do, blow me off right now.” He didn’t. I said, “well, are you going to blow me off ?” And he said “no.” He told me he looked for me, that he was so happy when he saw me, that the chemistry was so thick it was tangible, that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, that he was emotionally, intellectually and physically attracted to me but that he couldn’t act on it—YET.
One of his friends told me that he was watching me when he was on the midnight shift, checking out my windows, (I live up on a hill and it is easy to see in from a street across the way) even spying on me with binoculars a few times to see what kind of life I led.
Even though it would have creeped me out if another guy had done that, I felt like I had nothing to hide and I was flattered; I thought it really meant he wanted me, and when he was available, he’d have gotten his courage and his info. Together enough that we would be solid.
He finally broke up with his girlfriend over her drinking, and then disappeared on me for five months.
The same friend who had told me the other stuff told me that he was so stressed out about the bad real estate market, he was on the verge of foreclosure (even though he was working major overtime), depressed, not eating, and isolating himself. He had told me once he was borderline suicidal, so I got really scared. Behind his back, I paid his overdue property taxes, to try to help him out.
When I finally called him and told him I was lonely and I missed him, he told me to “go work for habitat for humanity and that we hardly knew each other; that he wasn’t ready to date but when he was, there was a probation officer who was interested in him.”
Then when I started to cry in pain, three years of hope now smashed in a minute, he told me I was guilting him and he hated it, and hung up on me.
He found about about me paying the property taxes and came to my house and was furious. I said I could cancel the charge on my credit card, and he said no, he’d pay me back when he got his income tax refund (he never made any attempt to pay me back) and he yelled at me, saying I had no right to control his life, and that he couldn’t trust me, I was acting obsessive.
I was absolutely horrified—I’d really been trying to help, to do something loving and supportive when the chips were down that only a family member would do for someone. I hadn’t meant anything bad at all by it, and yet he took it that way.
He told me I misread everything he’d ever said and done, that he was just being friendly.
Then he stood at my door and told me that he had wanted to make love to me every night, that he had fantasized about me so often, wanting me every way a man can have a woman.
I uncovered about a dozen lies after that … It seemed like he lied almost every time he talked to me. But I blamed myself. I thought if I hadn’t pushed him, if I’d just let him take the action instead of me, things would have worked out differently.
He came back nine months later (my burglar alarm had gone off by mistake), and basically just totally played head games with me for six weeks, e-mailing instead of calling, telling me how aroused I made him but saying that his little voices were telling him to “run baby run …”
Then he just stopped contacting me at all, although he still read my blog on the web twice a week for the next two months. We finally got in a huge fight one night and he told me that he was never going to ask me out, never have a relationship with me, and never have sex with me.
I keep thinking everything is my fault. That maybe he really is a good solid decent guy and it was just me pushing that turned him off and made him go away.
I don’t understand how he could have played me for three years if he didn’t mean it …
After all, he was originally married for 10 years, and then later on after he was divorced had a girlfriend for six years, so clearly he has long-term relationships.
Why aren’t I lovable? Why didn’t he value me?
I’m still grieving and stuck, and thinking I lost out on Prince Charming, that something is wrong with me that he didn’t want me, didn’t want a relationship with me … It’s so seldom that I meet a man who seems so right for me, and I’m just devastated. I don’t recover or bounce back easily, and now I’m terrified that there is something really wrong with me not to have known all along he didn’t want me.
This cop likes power
Sociopaths, as Dr. Liane Leedom says, want two things: power and sex. Some sociopaths—like this cop—want power more than sex, and are quite capable of withholding sex in order to assert power. That’s what this guy was doing.
For him, it was all about the game. The cop was getting his jollies from knowing that Annie wanted him, adored him, loved him—and he could mess with her mind and emotions with his push-pull routine. With his little intrigue, he was satisfying his need for entertainment.
That’s all Annie was. Entertainment.
In a previous e-mail that Annie sent me, she wondered if this cop would treat another woman better. I’d say it’s extremely unlikely. Although he might actually go ahead and have sex with someone else, that woman will be used for entertainment and sex. There will be no love.
Waiting too long
At the end of her story, Annie also expressed that she was afraid something wrong with her for not recognizing that the cop didn’t want her. That’s not quite the issue here.
When I was single, I also spent quite a few years pining away for men who never showed up. I kept thinking if I gave them enough time, enough space, eventually they’d come around. It never worked.
So did these guys want me? They seemed to, when they were around. But they did not come around enough for our interaction to advance to the point of being a relationship.
Here is the issue: By waiting for them, I was not believing in myself. Annie did the same thing. She spent four years waiting for this cop. This particular guy was a sociopath, but that is almost beside the point. The point is that any relationship involves two people moving towards each other, step by step. If that is not happening, there is no relationship, and no point waiting around.
Fear and relationships
I am not being critical of Annie. As I said, I did exactly the same thing.
So why did I do it? Why did I hang in for these men who did not show up? Fear. I was afraid that there was nobody else and I would be alone. I could only think in terms of the men that I knew. I could not think in terms of men whom I hadn’t yet met.
Fear also made me vulnerable for the sociopath, James Montgomery. When he rolled into my life with flattery and the promises, I fell for them. I noticed he was moving far too quickly, but it was a welcome relief from the men who didn’t show up at all. His agenda, I later learned, was manipulating me out of my money. He was also playing a game of keeping multiple women on a string at one time.
Finding a real relationship
The key to finding a real relationship, I believe, is overcoming fear and believing in ourselves. This is possible, even after a run-in with a sociopath.
Many Lovefraud readers, having been victimized by a sociopath, have commented that they no longer trust themselves when it comes to relationships. This is fear still speaking. They are afraid they will be fooled and victimized again.
We all know the devastation that comes from the encounter with the sociopath. Here’s what we all need to know and believe: Healing is possible. This seems unlikely while we’re in the midst of the turmoil, but it is true.
Healing does, however, take time. It requires processing the emotional pain, re-establishing connections with the people who truly love and support us, and perhaps dealing with legal and financial consequences. But this can all be done.
The devastation is a phase. An ugly phase, but a phase nonetheless. As we go through it, our goal should be to eliminate the fear and begin believing in ourselves. We now know what a sociopath looks like and how a sociopath behaves. We can come through this experience wiser, more in tune with our intuition, and with an open heart.
Then everything—including a new and real relationship—will fall into place.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
one_step_at_a_time says:
EB – if he had posed with his child naked in front of a photographer it would have been against the law. i cannot imagine what the art teacher was thinking that they would allow that. jayzus.
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ErinBrock says:
Wel…..this was the ‘story’ I was told…Art class…….in reality….anything could have been possible!!!
looking at what I’ve discovered/uncovered now…..holy crapioli……I wouldn’t be shocked if there are pics of my neked kiddo out there on the web somewhere…..
SICK FARK!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oh chica, that would be the worst
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one_step_at_a_time says:
anything new in the last couple of days?
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Buttons says:
EB…..I cannot imagine your fury, I mean that I really can’t. What a testament to courage you are! That spathole is DEFINITELY in need of SOMEthing!
OxD – ack. That’s too much for me to wrap my head around. That many critters needing that much care. I can’t hardly care for myself, let alone critters!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oxy – virgin bull.
snort.
lie that hasn’t been told before?
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kim frederick says:
HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Good one One-step.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
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OxDrover says:
One_step, nah, really, a bull that is a “virgin” can’t trasnmit several kinds of STDS and just the test for the STD is very expensive, and there ain’t no cure for the STDS that is reasonable, so get one that ain’t had no heifers! LOL
One of my neighbors, “Crazy Bob” only had one cow, but he got her at the sale barn and there’s no way to tell what diseases she might have had and he wanted to “borrow” our bull and my husband literally laughed him off the farm! We had gone to Virginia to haul that bull back here, pure bred, pedigree back to Noah’s boat and no way we would have let our bull associate with his ‘ho cow! LOL
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one_step_at_a_time says:
grew up on a farm. understand the concept and reasons. best friend in barn was the bull….he had the nicest tongue.
i was REALLY grossed out the first time i saw tongue in a grocery store under cellophane….
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Buttons says:
LMAO, one_step!
What breed of bull, OxD? We’ve actually been discussing goat(s) and we’re definitely in for the chickies. I want the Jersey Black Giants – dual purpose, ya know.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
buttons – i don’t know about chickens, but that’s a damn fine looking bird.
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pollyannanomore says:
I so agree – I have no major issue with mainstream porn though I would be upset if I found a partner looking at it lots. The main issue is objectifcation – the woman with her bits out in the pictures ceases to be a full human being with a brain and thoughts and wishes – she just becomes a frame for her fake knockers and a couple of orifices (bordered by a hairless fanny and a bleached A hole). That is what I have a problem with.
I also have a problem with the fact that most porn models in the mainstream are around eighteen (sure many of them are younger) and lots of them take on that ‘innocent schoolgirl look’ – sucking a lollipop or dressed in a school uniform – that’s just plain wrong. Even if she IS eighteen, it evokes the whole young and innocent school girl fetish, which of course is much younger than the legal age of sex. Real women don’t look like eighteen for all their lives. Real women have blemishes and don’t always look perfect. Real women sometimes aren’t in the mood for loving. Real women have real world responsibilities – jobs that make demands of them, bills to pay and educations to get. So porn in general doesn’t reflect any of that at all.
Another thing I have a problem with is the assumption made by many men that because they are visually stimulated then women must be too. I won’t need to spell out the implications of that for those of you who have been on internet dating sites … but for those of you who haven’t …. this equates to cock shots. Why any man would think a picture of his knob would be a turn on to a woman is out of his mind. It’s not exactly pretty or cute at the best of times … it’s not like there’s a rose growing out the top or a kitten’s head! (I realise this is just my jaded opinion and some women might find pics of willies the hottest thing on earth).
Another problem I have is the assumption that I am in the market for some hot casual sex because of the fact I am single. Some of us are actually quite happy being single and don’t feel the need to ‘relieve’ tensions as males do. I am single and not interested in no strings casual affairs – I personally can’t think of anything worse after the relationship I just got out of. No thankyou! I have been objectified enough and used enough for more than a lifetime!
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geminigirl says:
Oxy, If we want to operate on the brain ofa spath, first we have to do some recto cranial inversion, as their brains are in their asses!
Love, Gem.XX
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bulletproof says:
pollyannanomore
I agree with the assumption made that because I am single older woman, I am on the market for the toy boy, hot sex brigade…(I could be having it every night if I wanted) the feeling out there, now that I think of it is: older woman cougar mad for hot sex! I stopped dating guys on the internet because all I could feel from them was a sexual interest, I felt like an object half way through the cup of coffee…I stopped dating and would prefer to be on my own and safe!
I do not want a man who compares me to the images he sees on the porn sites, I can sense it and feel it now, the way a man looks at me and it’s either I feel like a human being or a piece of meat.
As a piece of meat I am older, more lined, saggier not so designed for hot sex
As a human being however I feel beautiful,more designed for meaningful sex!!! and I hope I don’t sound arrogant, I guess after being so subservient all my life I will swing into arrogance and I’m sorry if I do…I don’t mean it….but I do feel differently beautiful at 50
When I think of porn, I feel like an ugly cow…when I think of human being I am a mighty fine woman!
one_step_at_a_time
what to say! your experience sounds bizarrely confusing….I think it is great that you can start to tell it as it is no matter how bizarre (to me, anyway) I hear you when you say you met on a fetish site and you felt the need to keep that private, and how uncomfortable you feel in discussing that here on LF but if you are going to heal from this its important to be free to say it like it is
Maybe my take on this situation is “off” but here is what I’m hearing you say…..the woman/boy/ppath seems to enjoy preying on every conceivable psycho sexual issue/weakness that you have. She elicits pity by introducing sock puppet boy who eventually dies? she is able to talk about sexual abuse, being degraded through the boy part? has she split into different personalities like sybil? she said she was a guy but really is a woman? it’s the GRANDIOSE LIES, deciet and psychological confusion that would really concern me…please stay out from the theatrical drama she enjoys dragging you into…
Without her/him and all the cast of characters you must be very bored, because if nothing else she is very “interesting” in the sense of what in God’s name will she think of next….
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bulletproof says:
one step
I guess what I am saying is, this sounds like an addiction to the mind whirl fantasy drama of a very complicated person- and you are cold turkey?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
bulletproof – haven’t talked to her since she resurrected the dead ‘boy’ character in october of 2009.
she doesn’t have multiple personalities, just a well practiced con she has been pulling for a long time. i don’t know how many of my posts you’ve read in the last few days, I’ve said a lot about her – she has been doing this crap for over 30 years.
i don’t have any psycho sexual ‘issues.’ LOL nothing wrong with my pyscho sexual.
she uses whatever she thinks people may be antsy about or that people in ‘polite company’ may be ansty about, to hurt her dupes. she’s a @#$%.
the rest of it is about right.
the only thing i have to do with this succubus is:
healing from the destruction;
working on outing her as the puppet master (in a way that is safe for me) to protect some people i know in the community she is still messing with;
and feeding the lawyers and AG’s office all the info i can. they have a big file on her and sooner or later…if we are all really patient she will do something that will really slow her spathy ass down.
i got nada to do with her and i look forward to the day when i can completely forget about her.
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bulletproof says:
one step
Good to hear your psycho sexuals are in order…lol I hope you detonate her SAFELY…something about her sounds so dangerous/crazy
will have a look through your posts…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
…you forgot ‘charming.’
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one_step_at_a_time says:
bp – i have usually given bare bones about her here. but in this last week the ‘details’ of it all are surfacing in my mind and i am posting some of it here.
i talked for a long time with a lf poster last night, and said more than i have said in months about the stuff that happened. and that is important. i need to do so much more of this over time. but i need very much to contain it so that i can get on with the repair of my train wreck life.
there is lots of stuff on the internet about her. and someday i will post links. when i feel it’s a good time to do that. what she has done is absolutely mind boggling to peeps here, and the wider world can’t even fathom that a creature like that walks among us. but we here at lf know damn well that they do.
henry said a long time ago that i win for ‘weirdest’ spath. not most violent or most destructive, but def weirdest. she loves an audience and she loves to play peeps off one another. i am starting to understand her ‘game’ in a whole new way.
as that lovely folk saying goes, ‘this one needs killing.’
it would protect so many. but it is true of all of these creatures, isn’t it? vile reprehensible con artists, every single one of them.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i’ve now listened to lily allen’s ditty about 10 times in a row. man, that song is SUCH a pick me up!
this horrible cow, the ppath (no offense meant to Guernseys and Jerseys everywhere, slight insult to Holsteins) has now had my brain and attention for many hours. arrggghhhhhh.
apply lily allen balm and move out in to the world.
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jazzy129 says:
one-step, I was on an antiques chat room for 2 years before I threw my spath out. When i did, he started spamming and smearing me on that same thread. it was horrifying, especially when a leader of a group of sock puppets declared that I was ‘stalking’ myself. I was stalked, slammed, and threatened…not only by the spath, but the group that seemed to enjoy hurting me. The ex-sociopath had already isolated me, and here he was able to cut off what I THOUGHT was my last lifeline.
Fortunately, the behaivoral health group that we both went to for therapy had already seen him for what he was…a sociopath and a malingerer (he was over 6 feet, and almost 300 pounds..but he was always sick…when he had a job interview…HA!)
I still miss my internet discussions about antiques…and it took me a while to decompress. The women (bullies) who stalked me along with him are just as guilty.
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Buttons says:
One_step….bless your heart. TALK ABOUT IT!! Rant about it! PURGE THAT SH$T!!!! One of the most powerful tools we have that helps us heal is the ability to voice our experiences. If we keep that sludge down in our bellies long enough, it can turn into a seething, stinking putridity.
{{{hugs}}}
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one_step_at_a_time says:
jazzy – thanks for this. the ‘mobbing’ potential in a forum is quite frightening. and they spaths use it to the max.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
buttons – thanx. it’s been a rough few days. today ended well. and now i am going to have some sleep – something i didn’t have much of last night.
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jazzy129 says:
good morning, one step. hope you slept well. off to my part time job.
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Deceived says:
Is it me? I got an e-mail from a guy friend of mine (and we are really just friends – never dated) who’s wife left him for his next door neighbor 2 years ago. He wrote to me today and told me that he met someone from church a few months ago and now they are getting married early next year. That made me wonder why and how are many of my friends able to just get back on to dating and falling in love again. How do they do that? WHY CAN’T I DO THAT? I FEEL STUCK! Why is it that 2 years after I still cannot bring myself to like anyone when I have met quite a number of them. A friend told me it’s like I don’t want to be happy and I “choose” to stay alone and be in misery just thinking about the ex and how he mistreated me. But I DO want to be happy. Why is this so hard fo rme…to like another man again and give myself again? Is it me? What’s wrong with me that I’m still stuck and alone when many of my friends were able to find new people to love and share their life with? I feel like I’m INCAPABLE of giving myself and loving THAT way again like I did with the ex. I’m frustrated with myself and I feel so alone…like this is a rare disease that struck me – the inability to like and be interested in another man. But after all I endured with the ex, it just completely soured me from men. And a part of me is afraid that I will always feel this way about men. Whenever I hear of friends who have found new love, all these thoughts and feelings always come to surface. A part of me feels envious and also like a failure for not being able to move on as quickly as them. I don’t know what to do…
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Ox Drover says:
Dear deceived,
I think we lose trust in ourselves to keep ourselves safe. Of course intellectually you know not “all men are bad” but because it was a man that hurt you severely, you’ve become cautious of trusting men. Normal and understandable response—but your X wasn’t just a “normal break up” at all it was MUCH WORSE, it was a betrayal! a DECEPTION! The worst kind of insult and injury we can have, so don’t beat yourself up for not being ready to trust again, to trust others or to trust yourself.
Just take your “time” and enjoy one day at a time….enjoy yourself, being with yourself, and the healing will come, but we can’t force it to “hurry” it is just a step at a time! (((hugs))))
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Deceived says:
Thanks Ox. Many times I feel we who are on Lovefraud are the ONLY one’s who know that “this” world exists…our world where trust has been breeched so many times and people are so broken. It’s like we were cast away on a small island and nobody but us know we exist. The outside world has never heard of us. And many times it gets lonely…especially during this time of year. It just gets tiring at times to try to cope, move on, be strong AND stay strong. Thank you, Ox. Tonight is especially hard for me so thank you. I don’t even know why I’m crying right now but I am. I’m just tired of trying to stay sane and stay strong the last 2 years.
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skylar says:
Deceived,
you know instinctively that something went very wrong.
You fell for a spath and you know that it was because your radar was off. Time to spend lots of time working on YOU. READ books about narcissism, study ALL THE TIME (that’s what I do 24/7) and read here on LF, ask questions here.
People who have had a relationshit with a spath, usually end up with another one (I’ve accepted that), until they get rid of the core problem, which has something to do with how they were raised.
I won’t recommend that you trust again until – well, you will know when. I’m different than most people. When I meet a spath, I get up close and personal, I want to learn and fast. Impatient I guess. but, it’s really hard. My little brain is burning up trying to get better, fast. It may take time. The sooner you start the better you’ll feel.
Here’s a (((((hug))))), I hope you feel better.
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Deceived says:
Skylar, thank you. Knowing that I am not alone and there are others who have been through or are going through the pain of being with a Sociopath does help. Thank you for the hug. It’s been so long since someone held me so thank you.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear deceived,
Yes, it is hard, it is difficult and we get TIRED just like if we were carrying a heavy pack on our backs…and there’s no way to get “fixed” any faster by hurrying ourselves or thinking we “should” do this or that or “should” already be “over it.”
Give yourself a break! Just start working on learning more (there are wonderful articles here to learn about them, but also about ourselves!) Go back through the articles, read some of the great books and just figure out what YOU need! Take care of YOU and the rest will fall into place! God bless and it’s okay to cry! If it wasn’t I would have been gone a long time ago! (((hugs)))
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skylar says:
Deceived,
not enough.
I want more from you. I want you to feel GREAT. more ((((huggs))))
IF I could do more for you I would, but please, please commit youself to knowledge.
it hurts to know that you’ve been through this for 2 years.
I know for a FACT that the end result of this pain can be a profound understanding of yourself and what you can be – more than happy. I’m not completely there, but I’ve seen glimpses. I want you to get there too.
It’s funny, you didn’t post very much, but you have certainly affected me. Maybe it’s just the name you chose that resonates with me. don’t know. xxxxx.
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Deceived says:
I’ll work on it, Skylar
I don’t bounce back as quickly and as easily as others. I don’t give my heart easily but when I do, I give that person all of me. Now it’s to find me again…I got lost trying so hard to please him. I am uncertain/unsure who I am now or what if any is left of me. Thank you, Skylar….I mean that. Your optimism is lifing my spirit…just what I needed.
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aussiegirl says:
Deceived :
“Is it me? … Why is it that 2 years after I still cannot bring myself to like anyone …A friend told me it’s like I don’t want to be happy and I “choose” to stay alone and be in misery… Why is this so hard fo rme…to like another man again and give myself again? … I feel like I’m INCAPABLE of giving myself and loving THAT way again …like this is a rare disease that struck me … completely soured me from men…afraid that I will always feel this way about men”
Exactly where I was at for the first 2 years. Never thought it would pass. Worried I had been irrepairably damaged.
It passed for me. It will pass for you. xx
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kim frederick says:
Deceived, Please stop questioning yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. You are right where you are supposed to be. Don’t let your friends tell you about you. Who is the expert on you? YOU ARE. Trust yourself. This time in your life is all about you. Like Skylar said, learn all you can about you, everything else falls into place. Also, I agree with Skylar that we tend to repeat these same doomed relationships, unless and until we really work on ourselves, our self-esteem, our sence of identity, our understanding of what it means to love, what’s healthy, what isn’t.
I was the opposite of you. I went from one bad relationship to another, feeling almost desparate to find, “the one.” Well, I never found him. Instead I found many years of unhappiness, and confusion, chaos and crisis. Finally, at age 51, I am content to be with me. For me, being alone shows my growth. It took all these years to get here. It is my answer to the question, “how are all those relationships working for you?’ It is my response to the idea of trying something different. The definition of insanity is, doing the same thing, over and over again, expecting different results.
I think when you’ve really healed, and begun to trust yourself, again, you’ll be able to take a chance on love again. So just take it one day at a time, and learn as much as you can…find yourself again, and keep coming back to share your experience with us.
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Deceived says:
Aussiegirl – hearing you say “Exactly where I was at for the first 2 years. Never thought it would pass. Worried I had been irrepairably damaged. It passed for me. It will pass for you” is music to my ears.
There just might be hope for me yet. If it passed for you, maybe… hopefully this will pass for me too. THANK YOU for letting me know you went throught this too and went past it.
Kim – you are so right. At this point, I do not trust myself…I do not trust my own judgment to read people and I have no confidence IN MYSELF that I can protect myself and keep myself safe because I failed miserably to do that in the past. Thank you for pointing this out to me. I so wholeheartedly agree with you.
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kim frederick says:
Well, Decieved, if you continue to come here, and read as much as you can, you will learn to identify spaths and N’s, and see through their masks. You will learn to trust your instincts. You will learn how to draw the line. It will happen.
Have you read Kathleen Hawks articles On how do we heal?
Go to the archives and click on Kathleen Hawk. She has a series that are numbered, and cover the various stages we go through in our recovery. I found them to be very helpful.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Deceived – ditto ditto ditto!
‘like this is a rare disease that struck me …’
but i am protecting myself from all people. it will take time. it will take the time it takes! i am often frustrated and scared. but I will get there. I have lost friends, and may lose jobs – but it IS a rare disease – it is NOT like getting over an ordinary relationship, nor even like getting over a ‘bad relationship’ – it is something else entirely, and the antidote takes time and patience.
if you are going to be impatient, perhaps you can reserve that for judgmental friends.
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