I have several close male friends that I adore AS FRIENDS but it isn’t their looks that doesn’t “click” on the chemistry, I’m not sure exactly what it is that makes that “attraction”—oh, some things I can put my finger on, but much of it I can’t.

My P XBF was “average” looks but had a really warm smile and there was so much about our life styles, mutual friends, mutual interests etc. that made it all click some how at least for me.

When you are a “kid” you have a larger selection of people your age to choose from than we do today when most people are either married or rejects, so just the sheer numbers of women who are “single” vs the smaller number of available men our age (and many of those do choose from the younger women who are available, partly I am sure, based on looks) so the “pickings are slim” but at the same time, I am now CONTENT with myself, by myself, so if I never get the chance for another romance, I am OK. I’m no longer “needy” and “panic’d” like I was about being “alone.” One is a whole number, not just half of two. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like it, it just means I no longer REQUIRE it to be “whole.”

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His former secretary was a HOMELY woman if you saw her photo, but she, like him, was soooooooo charming that when she walked into a room, every man there thought she was the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THERE—she was AMAZING. Even I perceived her as “beautiful” and when I see a photograph of her it strikes me as “not her” because she looks so plain and unattractive—it isn’t that she just isn’t “photogenic” it is really all about her personality. Her charm overcomes ALL ELSE about her.

When I get to looking in the mirror and seeing an “old woman” there with wrinkles, age spots, etc. I stop myself and I remind myself about how other people perceived my H’s secretary. She is BEAUTIFUL because she is LOVELY INSIDE. My husband was HANDSOME because he was handsome INSIDE. I may no longer be “drop dead gorgeous” outside, but I am MUCH MORE LOVELY INSIDE THAN I EVER WAS. What the exterior package is does not matter in the great scheme of things. All external beauty fades with time. If I base my “self-ness” on my looks attracting friends and lovers what does that say about ME?

Our media tells us that “young is beautiful” and “old is ugly” and males ARE psychologically and biologically programed to be attracted to “fertility” in women (young, healthy) but if the ONLY thing going for a relationship is the “animal attraction” to spread genes, there isn’t much in the relationship. I may never again have a “soul mate” like I did with my husband, but I’m starting to be my own SOUL MATE, and am no longer so empty without him to validate my worth, validate my being. I can look back at our relationship and enjoy the memories, but don’t feel empty without it. I’m glad we had it, but I am still ME even with him gone. When I hooked up with the P XBF, I thought I needed someone else to validate me, my worth, my sexiness even in old age, my worth–but I find now, that NO ONE CAN TRULY VALIDATE ME. I must validate myself for it to be UNLOSEABLE. If our value is determined by other’s opinions, etc. it can always be LOST, but if it comes from inside, it can never be taken away by whatever losses we suffer. Personal or material.

Dr. Frankl spoke in his book, “Man’s search for meaning” about the fact that the prisoners in the Nazi camps had lost EVERYTHING except their bodies, and even those were being beset with pain, starvation and torture. It was ONLY by hanging on to HIMSELF, the inside self, that he survived physically, spiritually and emotionally. The loss of everything and everyone he loved didn’t “kill” him inside. THAT IS THE STRENGTH I STRIVE FOR.

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I LOOK SO YOUNG AND LOVELY YOU’D THINK I WAS 30! (LOL RONTFLMAO) NO ONE would recognize me! ha ha Yea, right!!!

Rperk,

I think most if not all of us know the “I can’t talk about it to my friends” bit—they just get so tired of hearing it and I can’t say I blame them…years ago I had a friend who kept finding abusive men and when they would beat her up she would bail them out of jail–over and over and over…and I finally told her once when she had put him back in jail and was coming over for the “Umpeenth time” to moan about how bad he was to her I told her I would NOT EVER TALK ABOUT HIM AGAIN–she bailed him out the next day and I haven’t seen her since. I wish I knew then what I know now. I thought I was being “good” trying to set boundaries—and really I didn’t want to talk about how he had beaten her again when she had bailed him out–repeat and repeat and repeat.

I think that is why a lot of people don’t understand why we “volunteer” to be victims—I never did that with a man, at least not for long and he never hit me, but I did it with my SON–so what’s the difference? I was just as much a volunteer victim as my friend was. I hope and pray she got out of the rut and got rid of that bad man and didn’t pick up another one. So many people NEVER get out of the RUT, the FOG etc. At least we have come that far, we are OUT of the relationship physically at least.

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