Manage anxiety using understanding and conscious intention
PDF Did you know people actually have two brains? We have a conscious brain that produces thoughts, ideas and intention and we have an automatic, unconscious brain that produces impulses. There are advantages to having two brains. The conscious thinking brain makes us smart and deliberate but the problem is it is slow. On the other hand, the unconscious automatic brain is fast, but the impulses that arise from it are sometimes undesirable. Automatic impulses do not always serve us well.
Have you ever been walking in the woods and seen something that looked like a snake out of the corner of your eye? Notice that your heart pounds and you have that alarmed feeling even before you are aware of having “seen” something. If you had to wait to fully process the image of the snake in order to react defensively, you would likely get bitten. So the mind makes you jump at a few snake-shaped sticks because that way you will be sure to avoid stepping on the real snakes.
The part of the brain that automatically senses threats is the amygdala. The amygdala receives sensory information from every sense. It “filters” this information and automatically “decides” which perceptions represent something that is a threat to safety. Notice that the amygdala is a dynamic or changing structure. If you are relaxed and happy you are less jumpy than if you are “on edge” because you just got into an argument or drank a cup of coffee.
The job of the amygdala is to take its crude sensory perceptions and to energize you to take action to protect yourself. It energizes you because it directly controls your sympathetic nervous system and stimulates the release of stress hormones. Did you know that stress hormones like adrenalin and cortisol are actually stimulants? The action of adrenalin is similar to that of cocaine. By the way, just like stimulants can be addicting, stress which releases these stimulants can also be “addicting” for some people.
The amygdala is not just a single brain structure. It actually has many parts to it. There are different classes of things we associate with threat and fear. The main two classes of feared situations are social and non-social. There are some very outgoing people who climb mountains and yet are anxious at social gatherings. Similarly there are some socially outgoing people who are easily frightened by heights or other non-social stimuli.
People get their fears two ways. The basic activity level of the amygdala is set by genetics. That is why anxiety disorders run in families. Studies show that timid people suffer from an over active amygdala. Fearfulness can also be acquired because like I said the amygdala is a dynamic structure. PTSD is a disorder where there is an enhanced threat response.
Now here is the important part that you may not have considered. What motivational systems does your amygdala interface most with? What are you likely to do in response to threat? There are people whose amygdala is over-connected to dominance motivation. When they perceive a threat they go on the attack. There are other people whose amygdala is connected to affection motivation so when they perceive a threat, they seek out social support. For others, the anxiety is free floating and they freeze up.
If you want to observe firsthand the amygdala at work, watch the dog behavior shows on Animal Planet. As you may have read, my daughter fosters dogs and so I have had the privilege of seeing threat behaviors and how they create dog dysfunction. The dogs also help us to understand how genetics and experience interact to shape threat responses. First let’s consider the grey hound. These dogs are very fearful but in general their fear system connects with their social affiliation system. As a result, they are on average low in aggression. Both of the grey hounds we fostered ran away from our dachshund. I think these dogs have been specifically bred for non-aggression and that is why they tend to cower when afraid.
This week, we had the good luck to meet the Dog Whisperer of Connecticut he explained to me why some working dogs bite people. The answer as to why some working dogs are vicious has relevance to anxiety in humans so stick with me. My new friend raises dogs who protect us by sniffing out bombs and narcotics in the airports. He showed us some terrific dogs and demonstrated their strong temperaments that make them ideal to do their jobs. The dogs with ideal temperaments have a very strong “play” drive and they like to have fun. But they also have to be sensitive to threat so that they will alert to danger. When they sense danger, they have to be energized to face it playfully. My new friend explained to me that vicious dogs are a by-product of the desire to breed dogs that have both play drive and an adequate threat response. If a dog is easily threatened but doesn’t play it only cowers if it is like a grey hound or aggresses if it is a working dog. So what our instincts tell us to do with our fear is important.
Like people dogs also have two brains, so they can be trained some. However the unconscious brain of a dog is always stronger. If a dog has an overactive amygdala and reactive aggression it will always be potentially dangerous. To help these dogs, we need to keep them in a calm environment or give them medication.
Fortunately people can, through conscious experience modify their genetics. People who are born with social anxiety can use psychological training to reduce and even eliminate their automatic responses. In people the amygdala is dynamic.
To manage anxiety we must first identify and understand it with our conscious minds. Then we must take conscious steps to face our fears while relaxing our bodies. Repeatedly facing a feared situation causes the amygdala to stop reacting to that situation as threatening. Avoiding a feared situation only reinforces the fear. The amygdala is rewarded by avoidance behavior and senses that it did it did a good job when we avoid.
Now stop a moment to consider how anxiety operates in you personally. Are you like a vicious dog who snaps at everyone when you get wound up? Are you like a grey hound who tries to cope by cozying up to a friend? Or do you just avoid everything and everyone? My friend who is a Buddhist says, “A human life represents a great opportunity because only humans have such a great capacity for choice.” Although the pull of anxious impulses is very strong we humans luckily do not have to be ruled by them. We can use our large intentional brains to make choices. The choices we make will then shape the structure of our unconscious minds.
Next week psychopathic anxiety.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
holywatersalt says:
Rperk-
Those fetishes, well I think it’s aabout objectifying sex. It’s an act, a different flavor, person, behavior…..
There’s an entry on this site stating Psychos are neither, gay or straight….it makes sense.
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Beverly says:
Free, another signpost for me, for people to be wary of, are people who demonstrate extremes of behaviour; people who are too pushy, who offer too much flattery, blow hot and cold etc. Mind you, at the start of the relationship with N, I told him to stop putting me on a pedestal and slow it down, which he did, but I fell into his trap, because that gave me the impression I was controlling the pace of things, whereas he knew darn well, how to dominate matters.
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rperk6069 says:
I just find it disgusting. I want my man to walk, talk, and behave like a man and he is not Scottish.
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hummingbird1418 says:
Control is a big issue with the sociopath. It bothers them immensely to lose their power over you. They want to be the only voice that you are listening to. Mine was constantly lecturing me about something or other. Of course, his evaluation of a situation was more relevant than mine.
He wanted me to call him when I got home. For a long time I thought that he was just trying to be protective, but now I see it as another control technique.
We all fell into a trap of one kind or another. These sociopaths are skilled in laying the bait that attracts us – like our nurturing nature. Mine was always having financial difficulties and I would bail him out.
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alohatraveler says:
Free,
I didn’t have time to read it all but I kept checking to see if it was still going. HAHA!
I think there was some kind of mental health issue going on.. not any evil intent.
Anyway, very entertaining. We do need a laugh now and then, don’t we?
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alohatraveler says:
rperk,
Miniskirt? ewwww. Bad Man took pictures of himself in my underwear. I was speechless. Unfortunately, these images are burned into my mind. BLECH!
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alohatraveler says:
to all…
I am just sharing a random moment.
A few days ago at work, one of the children ran up to me and said, “HAHA! That’s your boyfriend!” and handed me a scrap of a paper with a picture of Indiana Jones on it. WHOA! I was not expecting that and I actually gasped… but then I laughed. Bad Man looks exactly like Harrison Ford when he is in his Indiana Jones character.. especially in the promo pictures. (Of course the kids don’t know anything about this.)
I am hating all these promotional ads for the movie… and I HATE hearing the theme song too! ARGH!
I don’t think I am going to go to the movie.
Have a great day!
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rperk6069 says:
Ewwww is exactly what it is. I’m just hoping that I looked better in it than he did! Hopefully he didn’t try on my underwear, not to my knowledge anyway and if he did, I don’t ever want to know. Not never!
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rperk6069 says:
It’s funny how certain movies, people, music, places ect. remind you of the P. My thing is music, lots of good songs I used to like I won’t listen to anymore because it reminds me of him. He ruined alot of good songs.
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OxDrover says:
WOW! I sure missed a lot while I was gone Sunday and Monday. I’ve been on holiday with a most remarkable woman. She is a world renowned authority in her profession, traveled all over the world, and absolutely one of the most interesting and vital women I have ever been around–she too was the victim of a psychopathic relationship that left her a quivering blob of protoplasam, almost unable to work.
This woman is so bright, so accomplished, and such an outstanding person that I feel in awe of being in her presence, and yet I realize that she was just as taken in as I was, D &D’d by this creep, and left emotionally bleeding.
I think just knowing that someone of her high intelligence, outstanding accomplishment, etc. to be totally beaten down by such a person doesn’t make me feel so “alone.”
We spent a great weekend as just two friends, talking about our lives, our experiences with the Ps, encouraging and validating each other–and in our growth, and healing.
While being with you guys is so good in so many ways, to just be with someone “in the flesh” to talk and encourage each other was so good. It makes me think back to some suggestions a while back (can’t remember on which thread) about support groups, either national, regional, or local. About maybe “seminars” etc. and how good they would be, how empowering.
I know that some of our posters are from other countries, so it would be difficult for everyone to come to one spot for a “seminar” or convention, and it would take at least a year or so to plan for one that was VERY affordable.
I’m not sure if anyone would even be willing to work on such an event. I would be willing to offer my farm and facilities as a site–I am located in Mid-America so centrally located to the US states–international airport at Little Rock–60 miles away–also train station there, so pick up would be fairly easily arrangeable–and though I don’t have a place to bed down a great number of people, I have a large aircraft hangar that could be turned into a large “bunk house” if everyone brought a blow up matteress, and I have a mobile commercial kitchen (licensed etc) that could feed 100-200 people 3 meals a day 3-people working it, for minimal cost, and there are fairly low cost motels within 20 miles for those that didn’t want to “camp out” in a bunk house. Temporary sanitary facilities are avaliable for rental very cheaply, so the cost of such a seminar should be very minimal compared to many held in larger hotels–so that just about anyone could afford to come. If anyone is interested in trying to get such a seminar going–say within the next year (it does take a long time to get this type of thing together, with programs etc. especially when you have 0$ working budget.) let me know and we could form a committee to investigate the fesibility, number of people who might be interested, etc. It might not even be possible, but at the same time, it might very well be possible.
I know that just spending one weekend with someone in such a self-affirming “holiday” sure made me feel as if I were reenergized.
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rperk6069 says:
I think it would be wonderful to have a support group and a place to safely meet. I would be up for it if this was to happen some day. I live in CO so it is not too far for me personally.
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alohatraveler says:
I thought you’d never ask… I’ll pitch a tent. Just kidding!
I do hope that something will come together someday for our community.
For me, the main purpose would to be to train and organize so that we could create support groups in our own areas. I have thought of attending a Domestic Violence Support Group in my area that I found on the net but have never gotten around to it. I work most nights but it is on my list to do.
I do love our forum though. There is power in writing. I want to work at Women’s Shelter someday but I don’t know how much a person would be listening when they come in the door all banged up. I think, I hope, that once people find this forum… they are searching for an answer. Still, people do disappear from here and I do wonder about them
Hellooooo out there!!! Where is LivingLovingMe? I want to hear from you. I know you will be back… even if you went back. It’s okay. I did too!
Aloha to all……… E
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newworld view says:
count me in…ill even help with the chores
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OxDrover says:
Aloha,
I agree with you, it would be a great idea to organize and do a training to work toward training us to work with local support groups in our area, or to organize them.
When I came home today I was so energized, and I still feel that way–not just from getting away from the farm for a day, but for the support my friend and I gave each other.
And that isn’t all we did, just part of it–but I think she can go out and face her P at a conference they must both chair in a few weeks now. She, like most of us, forgot how STRONG she is, how much power she has, and is finally seeing that he is like a big, empty card board box, only with beautiful wrapping outside, but NOTHING INSIDE–it was just a beautiful package of NOTHING. Expectations without reality. Disappointing of course, when we open that package and see that it doesn’t contain what we were expecting, what we were hoping, that it is not filled with our dreams at all.
Spring has always been a special time of RENEWAL for me, and in spite of the tornadoes that touched down a mile from my home, the rains and the floods, I think this is one of the most beautiful springs I have seen–or maybe it is just that I am noticing every wild flower that is blooming. Sucking in the beauty that surrounds me, that goes unnoticed when I am in pain, and turned inward forcusing on that pain. It is so good to be alive, Thank you God! And thank you my fellow travelers on this path. (((hugs)))) to you all.
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Beverly says:
I was saying to my friend last night, that if there was a convention, I would come from the UK, to meet you all. What a wonderful idea.
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LilOrphan says:
Beverly:
Like an exchange of energy/current that feeds the other person. If that makes sense.
All relationships have this energy flow, but the difference is in the relational flow.
At the beginning, in all relationships, we put all energy flow into each other, and that creates the beauty we all remember from the beginning of all things. With a normal situation, the energy exchange varies and is traded back and forth, depending on the need of an individual and the events at hand.
Now what I think happens in dysfunctional situations is that suddenly, they are doing things (or not doing things, often, intentionally) to direct YOUR energy into them, at all times. Hence the draining feeling mentioned so often on this forum.
In a healthy, functioning relationship, it’s a constant flow of mutual energy towards each other, and most of the time, benevolent energy. In one with a P, they are blocking the flow of good energy towards you while doing things, or saying things, that generate our energy towards them.
Being women who radiate a lot of selflessness and willingness to give our care, attention and energy to someone we love, we’re good targets and suppliers of such energy.
So before we give it to someone, we have to be certain that they have no intent to misuse it, and they can help replenish it by supplying their own positive energy.
I see this when I compare the directional energy flow between myself and my daughter (mutual, replenishing) with that of the energy flow between myself and my brother or ex-husband (constantly flowing from me, to them, with imbalance and little reciprocity of good energy from them).
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OxDrover says:
Yesterday as I was waiting for the airplane to pick up my friend to return her to her home, we were talking, and an idea hit me. It was sort of one I had danced around before.
It seems to me that the Ps somehow intuitively know that we have “something” that they don’t have…and they tend to go from relationship to relationship with this intense “honeymoon” period at the start of each one.
Is it possible that they KNOW that we have something that they don’t (empathy) and they know that they are missing “something” but aren’t quite sure what it is, but think that somehow they just ahven’t found the “right person” to give them this thing, or to show them this missing piece of their selves. So each time they start a new relationship they are like a kid at Christmas excited that each new package may have the desired “present” in it—and they are so excited and anticipate that THIS “box” will contain their most desired of presents–and when they examine the box carefully, they realize that that new relationship (gift wrapped box) does NOT contain any more than the last box that they opened, and they become so angry that they didnt’ get what they wanted from that “box” that in their rage they turn to smash it—then go on to a new stack of “boxes” looking for the missing piece to their souls?
With my P XBF I almost got the idea that with me he was so “close” to finding what he wanted, or thought he was, but it was like at a certain time the “on switch” was pushed to “off” and he became disgusted that I didn’t give him the sense of peace that he was looking for and that somehow he suddenly became “disappointed” in me, where before he had this great anticipation of wonder. It was like when he finally opened the box of my soul and looked inside, it didn’t give him what he wanted and as soon as he got a clear look inside, it didn’t make him feel any better, but now he knew it wouldn’t, that he couldn’t find his OWN missing piece inside me. (truth is, they can never find that missing piece.)
Does what I am saying make any sense at all? I think it is like the “energy” that Orphan spoke of, and somehow they are not able to utilize the in-flow of energy, maybe they don’t even recognize it for what it is.
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Beverly says:
LilOrphan. I think you are spot on. You have described the energy exchange so well. Yes, being caring, GIVING, nurturing people, we are so ripe to give much more energy than we receive!! The difference, as you say, is that they suck our energy. The effort they put into the bonding process, the intense grooming is because they know that they are potentially going to get so much MORE back.
OxDrover. I think you are so right too!!! Yes, my ex, was fast tracking through different women, pretending to put ‘down roots’ with each one but knowing that the boxes would all fall down, so what is the point in investing committment. I think they know much much more about their lack of future relationship potential, because of their track record, then they let on. Also because they are subject to ‘splitting’ off their true self they come to a phase when they are just about to claim ‘their prize’, but a voice in them scrambles the whole thing, so that they become disappointed. They dont share this bit with us. It makes total sense to me.
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alohatraveler says:
Beverly,
If you would come all the way from the UK, I would definately come from CA. In my mind, reading here for this last year, the people have begun to take shape in my mind. I wonder if they would be the way I imagined.
What would be so fun is to NOT have name tags at first and have people guess who you are during the first day. They could but a sticker on your back of who they think you are. I know.. that would a lame game but still… I think it would be funny.
It’s kind of amazing.. even if it is obvious… that behind each of these characters is person that has a whole life and lives in a town and knows different people.. but we are bound by this uncommon… common experience.
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alohatraveler says:
LilOrphan,
Beautiful.
)
This sounds a bit like a branch off of the Narcissists “supply” stuff.
I have often described healthy relationships that work well to have similiar “rhythms” between partners.
A balance between partners for:
time together
time apart
time with ones own friends
couple time with other couples
quiet time
talking time
lounging on the couch together time
lounging on the couch alone time…
I miss those days…. I had that once… but it wasn’t with the Bad Man… that is for sure!
I’m going to the beach!
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Beverly says:
Aloha. I think it would be an amazing experience. I like your idea of ‘name the person’.!!
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rperk6069 says:
I should be working but I can’t help reading here to help me with the extra anxiety I am feeling and reading other posts makes me feel not so alone.
Monday, Memorial Day will be the 7 year anniversary of meeting the P. I feel like I have come a long way since those awful days but for some reason, I feel high anxiety. I’m not sure where it is coming from since I haven’t seen him in over a year and the worst is over.
Am wondering if anyone else has these feelings when a certain date approaches. I am not missing him, I don’t think so anyway. Nope, I’m pretty sure not, but I am feeling on edge and out of sorts. Discombobutated is the word that comes to my mind. I can’t discuss this with anyone-friends or family, they don’t want to hear it and I kinda don’t blame them. No one knows I still have these feelings. Blech, I don’t want to feel this way. Maybe because I am turning 41 next month I am just reflecting on the time I wasted in my 30′s with the scub bag piece of s… Maybe I should just go back to bed. Sorry, I am whinning and probably feeling sorry for myself. Anxiety sucks.
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Beverly says:
AloaT, Bit of a sneaky thought, but I think you would guess me and OxDrover as being the two oldest women in the group!! Right?!
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Beverly says:
Rperk. Sometimes it is good to have a wallow!! Sometimes, we have to step backwards a little, in order to step forward alot. Anniversary dates are like mini signposts, but they do get thinner. I like words, they reveal who we really are. Our feelings are our language of the soul and need to be heard. Anxiety reminds us, that we are out of sorts, out of balance. Take care
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OxDrover says:
Oh,, but Beverly,
I LOOK SO YOUNG AND LOVELY YOU’D THINK I WAS 30! (LOL RONTFLMAO) NO ONE would recognize me! ha ha Yea, right!!!
Rperk,
I think most if not all of us know the “I can’t talk about it to my friends” bit—they just get so tired of hearing it and I can’t say I blame them…years ago I had a friend who kept finding abusive men and when they would beat her up she would bail them out of jail–over and over and over…and I finally told her once when she had put him back in jail and was coming over for the “Umpeenth time” to moan about how bad he was to her I told her I would NOT EVER TALK ABOUT HIM AGAIN–she bailed him out the next day and I haven’t seen her since. I wish I knew then what I know now. I thought I was being “good” trying to set boundaries—and really I didn’t want to talk about how he had beaten her again when she had bailed him out–repeat and repeat and repeat.
I think that is why a lot of people don’t understand why we “volunteer” to be victims—I never did that with a man, at least not for long and he never hit me, but I did it with my SON–so what’s the difference? I was just as much a volunteer victim as my friend was. I hope and pray she got out of the rut and got rid of that bad man and didn’t pick up another one. So many people NEVER get out of the RUT, the FOG etc. At least we have come that far, we are OUT of the relationship physically at least.
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rperk6069 says:
Thanx gals.
Oprah says that your 50′s and 60′s are the new 40, guess that makes all of us about the same age. Older & hopefully wiser.
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Beverly says:
OxDrover, I had to laugh!!! I may look a tad over 30 but I’m no short arse!! Ha. Ha.
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OxDrover says:
Free, it is funny to me about “looks”—my late husband was “buff” when he was young, but NEVER GOOD LOOKING per se. (He had a huge nose) but you know, he was soooooo popular with women, from 6 to 96, every woman he met loved him, BECAUSE HE MADE THEM FEEL BEAUTIFUL. Because of that, HE SEEMED HANDSOME–if that makes any sense at all.
His former secretary was a HOMELY woman if you saw her photo, but she, like him, was soooooooo charming that when she walked into a room, every man there thought she was the MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THERE—she was AMAZING. Even I perceived her as “beautiful” and when I see a photograph of her it strikes me as “not her” because she looks so plain and unattractive—it isn’t that she just isn’t “photogenic” it is really all about her personality. Her charm overcomes ALL ELSE about her.
When I get to looking in the mirror and seeing an “old woman” there with wrinkles, age spots, etc. I stop myself and I remind myself about how other people perceived my H’s secretary. She is BEAUTIFUL because she is LOVELY INSIDE. My husband was HANDSOME because he was handsome INSIDE. I may no longer be “drop dead gorgeous” outside, but I am MUCH MORE LOVELY INSIDE THAN I EVER WAS. What the exterior package is does not matter in the great scheme of things. All external beauty fades with time. If I base my “self-ness” on my looks attracting friends and lovers what does that say about ME?
Our media tells us that “young is beautiful” and “old is ugly” and males ARE psychologically and biologically programed to be attracted to “fertility” in women (young, healthy) but if the ONLY thing going for a relationship is the “animal attraction” to spread genes, there isn’t much in the relationship. I may never again have a “soul mate” like I did with my husband, but I’m starting to be my own SOUL MATE, and am no longer so empty without him to validate my worth, validate my being. I can look back at our relationship and enjoy the memories, but don’t feel empty without it. I’m glad we had it, but I am still ME even with him gone. When I hooked up with the P XBF, I thought I needed someone else to validate me, my worth, my sexiness even in old age, my worth–but I find now, that NO ONE CAN TRULY VALIDATE ME. I must validate myself for it to be UNLOSEABLE. If our value is determined by other’s opinions, etc. it can always be LOST, but if it comes from inside, it can never be taken away by whatever losses we suffer. Personal or material.
Dr. Frankl spoke in his book, “Man’s search for meaning” about the fact that the prisoners in the Nazi camps had lost EVERYTHING except their bodies, and even those were being beset with pain, starvation and torture. It was ONLY by hanging on to HIMSELF, the inside self, that he survived physically, spiritually and emotionally. The loss of everything and everyone he loved didn’t “kill” him inside. THAT IS THE STRENGTH I STRIVE FOR.
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Beverly says:
Please excuse my weird humour!! But so many people are still heavily attracted by looks. I just met a guy recently, who is not particularly attractive, doesnt have a huge ego, and doesnt have 12 mobile phones!! However, he is such a gentle, nice guy who appears to be very genuine, but I would not feel any chemistry for him as he is quite passive. But I know that if I ever got involved with someone again, it would be someone like him. I think we would all like to be involved with people who love us for what we are, on the inside. Perhaps that is the good thing about friends.
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OxDrover says:
Yes, I realize that we are all to some extent attracted by “looks” but at the same time I think “chemistry” is more than meer “looks.” It is personality and other things that makes someone attractive to me. My husband was “handsome” to me because I loved him.
I have several close male friends that I adore AS FRIENDS but it isn’t their looks that doesn’t “click” on the chemistry, I’m not sure exactly what it is that makes that “attraction”—oh, some things I can put my finger on, but much of it I can’t.
My P XBF was “average” looks but had a really warm smile and there was so much about our life styles, mutual friends, mutual interests etc. that made it all click some how at least for me.
When you are a “kid” you have a larger selection of people your age to choose from than we do today when most people are either married or rejects, so just the sheer numbers of women who are “single” vs the smaller number of available men our age (and many of those do choose from the younger women who are available, partly I am sure, based on looks) so the “pickings are slim” but at the same time, I am now CONTENT with myself, by myself, so if I never get the chance for another romance, I am OK. I’m no longer “needy” and “panic’d” like I was about being “alone.” One is a whole number, not just half of two. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like it, it just means I no longer REQUIRE it to be “whole.”
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