10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths
Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Thanks for some good advise as usual, Donna. I too have never had a child WITH a sociopath but have every sympathy in the world to those that do have and therefore cannot go NC with them.
I think many of us have seen cases where parents would use the child(ren) as weapons with which to punish the other parent, in ways that are horrific, and always damaging to the child(ren).
All I could add is to EDUCATE YOURSELF TO YOUR LOCAL LAWS, and to REMEMBER: S/HE IS THE LIE. Nothing that they tell you will be true, or for the reason that they state.
The other suggestion I would make is to PRETEND that you are not as upset with the things that they do as you are. THE MORE YOU APPEAR TO THE P to be upset, the more they like it.
Let the “little things” slide. Don’t mention the constant “lost” clothing, and other small things that they will do just for “drill” to irritate you like “Chinese WAter torture” one drop at a time,. If you can convincingly pretend it doesn’t bother you that the kid you sent with 5 tee shirts comes home with 2, or one shoe and not the other, they may stop doing this, but if you react to it, they will continue this “ploy” and chuckle gleefully every visitation.
I would however, photo-document clothing and other articles I sent with the child, and photo what came back, and keep a log about this as well. So that missing items can be documented.
Keep your children in the dark about things that the P can pump the information out of them to use against you.
Get therapy for your kids and you. You will both need it and the therapist can become your ally.
Keep tape recorded telephone logs or personal meetings if this is legal in your area. Find out what is legal. If your child comes home with “wild stories” you might consider taping these (again if it is legal) but I would not let the child know this as they would possibly tell the other parent.
I would always have a witness each time the children were exchanged, or if the P uses this exchange time to dig at you, then have a third party do the exchange, a good friend or one of your parents so that you can keep inteactions down to a minimum.
I would communicate with the other parent only by e mail or written, or recorded communications, so that records can be kept of every exchange.
If the parent is a foreign national and is likely to take the children and “run” I would take whatever steps are necessary to prevent this happening. (court hold passports of children or whatever safeguard is necessary)
Read and educate yourself about your children’s rights and try to keep foremost in your mind that this is all about the children, not you or him. Peace and God’s blessings.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008 @ 7:06pm
OxDrover says:
Glinda,
This spam has been reported to Donna, it will be quickly removed. People trying to sell us stuff should put their stuff on their own web site not spam another site. Kinda makes you think they might not have a conscience, huh?
I had some stuff for sale a while back on Craigslist and got an “order” for one of the more expensive things from a scammer, she didn’t live locally but wanted to buy the item and then arrange pick up. First off I noticed that she obviously didn’t speak english as a first language. Then I told her that yes I would take a CHECK, NO money orders (there are lots of fake ones floating around) and that as soon as the CHECK cleared she could arrange pick up or shipping.
So I get this next e mail back telling me that “her assistant” had mailed me the “wrong” amount on the MONEY ORDER and would I please cash it and keep my sales price then buy another money order and mail it back to her for the rest. She would TRUST ME to do so. LOL
The internet is a big super highway for spammers and scammers and Ps and other crooks…some of the stories just make me shake my head, but you know, I got scammed by my own family, so don’t laugh quite as hard at how “stupid” these folks are, they just get hooked by the dream and FANTASY like the rest of us, maybe they are a bit more gullible than some of us, but I think I’ve been pretty darned gullible myself so I’m not throwing rocks at anyone who falls for a scam, I just don’t want to fall for any more myself.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008 @ 10:40pm
gennyrabbit says:
spam? i love how they describe the amazing capablities of the poduct without describing the product at all.
Thursday, 8 May 2008 @ 5:33am
OxDrover says:
Gennyrabbit,
Yea, it is probably like the “solar clothes dryer” that I have seen advertized (YES!@ Really!!!) and when you order it it is a piece of clothes line and some clothes pins. LOL
Or the Guarenteed Bug Killer—two blocks of wood, with one labeled A and one B and the instructions are to “Place bug on block A and strike sharply with block B”
The one on here sounded like a TAPE RECORDER to me, but like you said, they never described the product at all.
In the 1950s where I grew up some farmers were still farming with horses and mules and a “horse trader” would come through the area from time to time with a herd of horses for sale. These men were well known as crooks and would sell a horse that appeared to be a good horse, but had some terrible flaw. The “rules” around here if local people traded horses was to ALWAYS tell the truth if asked, but not to volunteer information, so the buyer had to be cagey to know the right questions to ask.
The Amish still farm with horses and mules and a friend of mine went to a horse sale in Ohio and bought a mule from the Amish that was sold at the auction. Those animals sold through a sale many times have behavioral faults so anyone buying such an animal knows that there is a good chance someone is selling the animal for a “good reason.”
My friend overheard the seller speaking to another man about the mule my friend had bought. The seller laughed that he had gotten a good price for the mule because it would do anything but PULL. As soon as you hooked it up to something to pull it would lie down and refuse to move. Even if you beat it it would not get up (typical mule behavior you can’t beat them and make them do anything if they refuse)
My friend, who is a crusty old retired farmer/school teacher, took the mule home and hooked it up to a large log to pull and the mule lay down. My friend did not beat it, but instead tied it’s feet together and left it there, over night.
The next morning when he returned and untied the mule, he could see that the mule had struggled all night to get up but was unable to because his feet were tied togehter. (a horse would kill it self trying to get loose, but a mule or donkey will not, they will struggle but not panic and hurt themselves)
When he let the mule get up, the mule never again laid down when asked to pull. I love this story and this man has taught me to train Border Colliles to work and helped me with training my Mammoth Donkeys–because first you have to be smarter and wiser than the animal before you can train it. Collies and Donkeys and Mules are VERY smart, so it isn’t always easy to be smarter than they are, or wiser.
I think we must be smarter and wiser than the Ps and the scammers, and also keep our eyes out for the RED FLAGS. In dealing with something so prescious as our children in custody battles, I think the nurturing parent must find a way to “tie the Ps’s legs together”–do something that is unexpected. To be “smarter” than the P, to know that he will NOT play by the rules. If we do not become somewhat defensively deceptive as well, they will always win. Beating on them doesn’t do a bit of good, not any more good than hitting a mule or a donkey.
You have to know the particular make up of your particular P–what will “motivate” him. What will make him “balk” and what will just make him madder and more dangerous. A person who is used to training horses has NO idea how to train or work with a mule or a donkey. They look similar but they are NOT mentally the same. A person who successfully trains one kind of dog cannot train a Border Collie, they are entirely different than other breeds…no matter what, you cannot hit a collie, but GROWLING at them wiil put them into submission.
So I would caution the person who is fighting for custody of their child to KNOW YOUR ENEMY, and what motivates him, how he or she thinks, what their motives are (power control revenge) and work with that in mind.
ALWAYS keep your cool (at least in front of them) Don’t give way and show fear or anxiety, they will pick up on it instantly and use it to increase their aggression.
I have a friend with a Jack Russell Terrier and the dog rules the house because she will not train this hard-headed but very smart breed of dog. He has her in control not the other way round. I have a Jack Russell that is quite a well trained and polite dog. My dog does not tear up the trash (I have even tempted him with meat scraps in the trash and gone off and left him and he did NOT get into the trash.) I have never hit the dog (Doesn’t do any good with Jacks) and only seldom even spoken harshly to him when he would show me his teeth when I trimmed his nails. He didn’t offer to bite but did show me his teeth which is AGGRESSIVE, and if I had let that pass he would probably have bitten me the next time I trimmed his nails.
BTW, to keep them out of trash you put one or more set spring mouse traps in a sack of trash or trash can and it gets instant “natural consequences” even without you there. Most of the time they don’t even get it on their nose, but if they do, it won’t harm them, just minor pain like being popped with a rubber band on a sensitive area on your nose and scare the dickens out of them.
Most Ps are not going to react like Amy’s P did, even in a custody fight “to the death” but they can still be very damaging to the children. My experience with Ps though is that WHATEVER you value is what they will try to take away or mess up—if it is your kids, then they use THAT so sometimes pretending that you WANT THEM to take the kids so that you can go “party” without the extra baggage of kids might work. SO INSIST THEY TAKE THE KIDS MORE–especially if you have kids in diapers. Enlist a handsome male friend to be there when the X picks up the kids, dressed to the 9s like you are just about to go out for the evening. Or pretend you are going away for the weekend.
This “reverse psychology” will work with some Ps. Others not, so KNOW YOUR ENEMY is my best advice. AND THINK SNEAKY. LOL
Thursday, 8 May 2008 @ 11:49am
Glinda says:
Thanks OxD,
My comment was meant kinda tongue-in-cheek. I didn’t even follow the link
Here is a FUNNY story about scammers tho-
I noticed at one point that the x-s was using one of MY old passwords for his email. I read his emails for awhile- when I knew where he was, I knew NOT to go. (I needed to keep my daughter away from him). It actually saved me from running into him a few times.
***Bonus- I got to witness him profess his “love” and “accomplishments” and promises of money and on and on to this really hot chick who claimed an address in a very affluent neighborhood outside our local metropolitan area. But, she was on a buying trip in Africa…but needed money for customs…lol. I could tell the “English as a 2nd language” in the emails.. he apparently missed it and just kept making promises. He shunned other women in order to devote himself to the pursuit of her and her presumed house full of valuables to be stolen and pawned. I was giggling with delight in anticipation. Finally the correspondence came to a head and he realized he’d been scammed by a Nigerian GUY.
Oh the RAGE! Oh the threats! LMAO. It was FABULOUS. The scammer got scammed.
Thursday, 8 May 2008 @ 7:06pm
OxDrover says:
Glinda, I figured as much, and that is a GREAT STORY! I am rollling on the floor holding my stomach and keeping my legs crossed (you know why old ladies keep their legs crossed when they sneeze or laugh LOL)
There have been several hr long news shows about people getting scammed by these folks in Africa and south america and sending thousands upon thousands of dollars to them, just sure they had hit the jackpot of their dreams. We at least had a LIVE, IN THE FLESH scammer, and these poor people only had a cyber-psychopath, but still fell prey to them.
It is simply amazing how many people are so starved for love (I know in your case it was not “love” but $$$ Lust he was after. Oh, how I wish he had actually sent money!
The ones who lure the children for sex or murder or both though are the ones that scare the pants off of me. Money is just stuff, but lives are at stake here and that is the scary part. I even put a profile up on a dating site and met a few guys in public places for coffee, but finally got sane again and stopped that. Scary how easy it would be…heck I KNEW my x-P for 10 years casually and still got burned! So no more cyber stuff for me.
I am really happy for you that your X “got his just deserts” though! Congratulations again!
Thursday, 8 May 2008 @ 8:15pm