The sociopath leaves, and her OCD symptoms disappear
Editor’s note: The following story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Free.”
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 13 years. Two years after we started living together, I slowly developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It first started off with a safety issue, where I was going around the house checking to see if everything was locked and turned off, until it escalated that I couldn’t have knives anywhere near me because I was too afraid that I might lash out and hurt someone. I lived in absolute terror because of this. Some instinct told me to hide all of this as much as I could from my husband. But he did find out and he didn’t offer any help, or seek help or to take me to the doctor. There were no hugs or reassurance. Nothing. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown about a year after I started having my symptoms. He used it against me by deliberately “forgetting” to turn things off or lock the door when he went out.
He once told me that I was so lucky because now that I had him, I could fall apart. Weird thing to tell a person, that they are lucky that they can fall apart. He told me this when I had found a counselor who wanted to analyse my relationship with him. My husband convinced me that he was the perfect husband and that I didn’t need this counselor to pick apart our relationship. I look back now and wish I had continued to see that lady. She was onto something and I stupidly believed in him.
Alone with the illness
I was on my own with this and it was very lonely. I didn’t trust myself to do the simplest tasks such as turning off a tap, turning off the stove, the iron, locking the door without having to check them a million times. It got to the point I was afraid of being me. I was afraid to drive, talk to people, everything and I just wanted to die. It was sheer hell. So many people get put on meds because of OCD, but I refused. I had OCD for about 11 years and everything I read indicated that you can never truly get rid of it.
During my marriage, I didn’t have any emotional support from anyone. I was isolated from my friends and my family lived a long way away. The friends I did make, he would overtake and they would become his friends. I really only saw my mother-in-law and sister-in-law during that time and on the odd occasion, I would see my best friend until he moved us to another country where I had no one, but slowly I started to make friendships at work that he couldn’t sabotage and they have helped me through this devastation.
Husband wants a new family
He told me our marriage was over the night our house sale settled and the funds had been deposited into our account, which was a Friday night and I had just gotten home from work. Because he had lost his job in May of that year, I put our house on the market (in our home country). After convincing me that I was an alcoholic amongst other things during our time together, he handed me a glass of wine that night and told me that he needed to stand on his own two feet but he was too afraid to leave and needed to stay until he was ready. I truly believed that he was going through a midlife crisis, because he was laughing and crying hysterically. I was pretty shocked at his apparent devastation. His actions during the following week didn’t seem to match his theatrics and I found out he was seeing other women during that week including receiving kiss emails from the woman he is with now living with in Canada. I told him he had to leave during the following week and he found a place to stay in (just up the road). That was in early December 2006.
He wouldn’t leave me alone to grieve for our relationship. He continued to manipulate me and we spent Christmas Day together. We talked, talked and talked about our marriage, so I thought maybe we could fix it. In February 2007, I learnt from his mother that he had told her that he missed being in a family unit and that it was okay for him to replace his family with a new one. She seemed a bit confused by this and I believe that he deliberately told her this as he knew we were very close. That conversation made me start to question everything and to start piecing together our whole history. He told me after the conversation I had with my mother-in-law, that he was going overseas to visit friends and I confronted him straight away and told him to stop lying to me. You are replacing us with that woman. He defiantly said that he wouldn’t do that, that he loved the family he had. He said that it was a friendship only on his side and that the other woman had been presumptuous to think that there could be a relationship by sending him that kiss email and he had told her it was friendship only.
Seeing the lies
I eventually Googled the woman’s name who had sent him the kiss email when he was overseas with her, not believing that it was friendship only. That was late April last year. I had to wrack my brain to remember her name and later on, when he returned, I was able to view her Myspace profile because she had supposedly made it public because she is a psychic and I was calling to her in a dream. Absolutely unreal, but this is what she told me in an email to me when I started to warn her. She doesn’t realise that that day, I had told him I tried looking her up but her profile was blocked. Her profile told me everything that he was lying about and I confronted him and he was violent and I was very afraid of him.
I had started listening to my gut instinct after we separated and even though he was lying to me, I couldn’t truly believe him no matter how convincing he was and no matter how hard I tried to. I am so glad that I listened to me. Last year I was so devastated by all of this. But typing this now, I am so glad I am no longer spending my life with someone who could treat me like I was some disposable trash. A man of integrity does not set out to replace his family before he leaves the one he has.
Symptom free
My OCD symptoms didn’t fully disappear until I was strong enough to cope with the whole truth about his abuse, which was June 2007. No matter how bad it is for me to know the truth of all of his deception and abuse, I now have my life back. I still have flashbacks of his abuse, but I know that I won’t have them forever; it is just part of the healing process and that time will heal all my wounds.
Oprah says that in order to stop overeating, you need to find out what the root cause of it is. Same with OCD. The OCD was the symptom. The ambient abuse was the cause.
I am now OCD free. Absolutely FREE. I stopped feeling the need to check everything when I realised I was safe. Safe from him. Safe from someone who was playing with my mind, distorting my reality with ambient abuse. I have been OCD free for almost a year and it is wonderful! I look back to the girl I was in that marriage and I can’t believe that I am that same woman. She looks better, walks straighter, laughs again and believes in herself and she doesn’t have to check a damn thing! Because she knows that she can trust herself. It amazes me that throughout all of those years where I despaired about this disorder, that the answer to beating it was to just get out of that relationship. That relationship was poison to my mind, body and soul.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
holywatersalt says:
My OCD disappeared with P in my life. I was happy for a bit -then I guess obsessed with the P. I still am, though my old obsessions are gone for now, knock on wood.
I can’t stop thinking about P– though the focus changes. I don’t long for contact- justice now. Tho that is fruitless I know.
I am extremely lonely now- I realized, I wanted a friend so desparately I put up with P (it was not a sexual r/s) and surronded myself with the self absorbed. I married a sober alcoholic/drug addict with more family of origin issues than myself- hard to imagine but possible.
I have always been the main support and someone who has been bullied from grade school to professional life. My husband is an immense support emotionally, but he is IT.
I longed for community, family and here I am writing out my mess online. One step from be involved with the P.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 11:30am
LilOrphan says:
Thank you for sharing this, Free. You have been through so very much and are now giving back to others from your painful experience. That’s a beautiful thing.
I was not OCD, I don’t think. Did get PTSD, hair falling out, stress out the wazoo, nightmares, night terrors, eating disturbances (often too much or too little, never normal) and obsessive thinking.
Still can’t cure the obsessive thinking.
BUT, in time. . .
holywatersalt what does “IT” stand for?
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 11:40am
holywatersalt says:
IT = the only friend I have
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 11:46am
OxDrover says:
FREE,
I second Aloha’s thanks to you for sharing this story. I didn’t have OCD, but do have some vestages of PTSD left, part of which came with my husband’s death in the plane crash, but were grossly intensified by the P-attacks this past year.
Stress out the wazoo too. Physical health decline and multiple life threatening infections as a result. Unbelieveable depression. Short term memory problems and even episodes of short amnesia. MUCH improved with NC and healing!
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 11:55am
holywatersalt says:
Free,
I do wonder about OCD- as you know therapists txt it as if it’s organic, just use cognitive behaviorl atherpay and it will be better. Talk therapy is thought not to work.
Supposed “happiness” made mine diminsh- now I am mired in regret and depression. I did face one biggest fears recently without flinching.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 12:00pm
almost_free says:
Congratulations, Free! I, too, was married for 13 years to a sociopath. I was moved overseas, from country to country for 7 years, all for his career and for the “financial future of our family”. I was told lie after lie, incredible deception for the entire marriage. I only found out the extent of the deceptions 6 months ago.
I was divorced this past Friday, and I also am now FREE. I was going to have a big celebration this weekend, but then I changed my mind as there was nothing really for me to celebrate. I couldn’t celebrate that my children will hardly have a father in their lives - at least no good role model for a father. I also couldn’t celebrate how I was humiliated and degraded for so long. I can, however, rejoice in the fact that I am free from his manipulations, that I no longer have to believe the lies he told me about myself.
He left the courtroom after the divorce sobbing uncontrollably. I felt pity for him. I was thinking over the weekend that perhaps he will be sorrowful now, perhaps he truly understands who he is and what he has done. But, no, this is not the case. Today, I received a cold email from him. If he has any goodness in him at all, it is buried so deep within him, it is likely never to surface.
But, this is no longer my problem. All of his problems are no longer my problem. I am done obsessing over this man. I am done trying to help him. I am done with it all. All of us that manage to escape the grip of an s/p in our lives should be very proud of ourselves. It is not an easy thing to do - perhaps the hardest thing we will ever have to do in our lives. But, if we can get away with our health intact, or get our health back, we should all celebrate that.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 12:09pm
OxDrover says:
Congratulations almost_free, on your new-found freedom from the FOG, maybe your new “name” should be FREE-TWO or FREE-TOO LOL.
Maybe his sobbing was because he doesn’t yet have a new victim, or because you wanted and got an equetible property settlement, or someone in the audience he wanted to impress with his act, or 100 other reasons, but whatever it was, we know it was not “repentence” or “guilt” don’t we?
I’m sorry also that your children won’t have a loving father, but they do have a loving and KNOWLEDGABLE mother and that is so much more than they would have had if they had stayed with him. If you haven’t already gone there, check out Liane’s web site about raising the at-risk kids of Ps. She has some great things there for you and your children for support for your children. God bless you and your kids!
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 3:06pm
alohatraveler says:
Free,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I wonder why the “psychic” didn’t get the feeling that something was wrong with your Bad Man. Those crazy psychics!
I did not experience OCD but I can easily imagine how this could come on in a a relationship with a Sociopath. I had a period of time where I started to feel completely NUTS. That was about the time when I felt that I understood how women kill their abusers because the finally snap from all the abuse.
Being constantly toyed with and attacked wears a person down… like brainwashing.
I think your story exemplifies the fact that Mental Health professionals need to learn so much more about Sociopath’s and the effects on their victims.
Aloha.. :o)
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 3:29pm
holywatersalt says:
Rperk-
If you don’t want meds, don’t go there.
I never have taken them,I cycle through depression and obsession—I actually think it’s hormonal and called being alive.
For me- I got out of the major funk through time and realizing what happened. It helps to write and just “act as if” …. I have major life changing health issues in my family, but we laugh a lot about them. I have to remember though they are stressors and a major reason I was targeted - the sick lamb.
I think we need somedays just to go hour to hour. And sometimes eat chocolate.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 3:56pm
rperk6069 says:
Holywatersalt,
I am not against meds, just years ago when my Dr. put me on antidepressants, I had not been suisidal. Once the meds kicked in, so did the suiside thoughts. They just did not work for ME. I think today I am just having a bit of PMS and will go find me some of that chocolate.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 4:50pm
OxDrover says:
Rperk,
The suicidal “ideation” (and in some cases actual suicide) is WHY it is imperative that you be under the care of a therapist as well as a physician with antidepressant medications.
Sometimes people who are WAY depressed, and literally don’t have the energy to commit suicide, get better enough on the meds that they have enough energy to do it, and like a friend of mine did (a former foster child of mine) he DID it. Quite frankly, I as an advanced practice nurse when I was in family practice did NOT Rx medications to any depressed person UNLESS THEY ALSO GOT THERAPY and I was in contact with the therapist for quite some time, sometimes even weekly.
Medications are a help, and in some cases, a LIFESAVER for people with very bad depression, I only suggest that you be EVALUATED, the decision to take or not to take (or if you need them) is with your health care provider and YOU.
No medication for anything is a panecea but while the “old” medication for many mental illnesses were very ‘crude”the recent advances in medicine and science have made them much more effective and safer.
I had a very sick patient once in family practice who refused a flu shot each year (and he was at high risk for getting it and being severely effected if he did) because he was SURE that the one time he got the flu, he had “gotten” it from the shot. This is IMPOSSIBLE scientificly.
He got the flu and died 3 days later. I did my best to get the man to take precautions, but his mind was made up, and his prejudice against “flu shots” cost him his life. The other side of the coin is that sometimes meds are approved before they are fully tested and problems are later discovered, or some weird side effect becomes evident, but on the whole, medicaitons and especially antidepressant medications are so well and widely tested that there are very few problems with them and from both personal and clinical experience I would suggest that anyone who is showing the signs of depression or PTSD at least be evaluated by a professional rather than suffer in silence and try to “just get over it”—your cry for wanting to know “HOW” makes me think that a professional evaluation might be in order. Off my soap box now. LOL
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 5:20pm
holywatersalt says:
Did Rperk say she was suicidal?
I think we need to be careful projecting our opinions.
Of course, we need to offer our help, concern and how we would handle the same issues, but I am wary of diagnosing people.
I apologize if I missed a suicide reference.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 7:20pm
gennyrabbit says:
i went to see a psychiatrist a month before i entered a relationship with xS. if only i had continued seeing her … i could of avoided so many problems. during that time i was also going to emotions anonymous meetings but he battered the whole concept and read the book in order to undermine all my attempts at self-control and empowerment.
i only wanted to ask one thing. i didn’t quite understand why she told you that she was psychic. i get that he told her to make her profile public (or possibly inferred it to her and she thought she was having a psychic moment?). then you saw the lies he told her about himself? a little confused about that bit.
i am very glad for you that your OCD symptoms are gone and now you are happy and confident. i was like you- i didn’t break up; he left me. but it was the best thing he ever did for me. my nightmares faded away after i dealt with some issues that he had instilled in me. it is so good to wash him and all of those issues away.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 8:10pm
OxDrover says:
Holywatersalt,
On another thread she mentioned that she had taken ADs before and had suicidal ideation—I am in no way intending to project my opinons on anyone or “assume” suicidal ideation or any other feeling that anyone has not expressed unless it is a misinterpretation of their words, and I don’t think I missed on “I thought about suicide”—
I DID NOT DIAGNOSE Rperk, repeat DID NOT DIAGNOSE her, and I don’t think anyone is qualified to make a “diagnosis” that is clinically sound by e mail or by blog.
I took what she said her symptoms were and advised her to SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSEL and to consider medication for what sounded like (but is not diagnosed as) major depression. Keep in mind, please, that I am licensed to diagnose and to Rx medication, but in this case I am doing neither diagnosing or Rx’ing medication but giving my opinon that she should seek professional medical assessment AND therapy.
I am glad that you have been able to overcome your devestation by being just a very strong person and “taking it one hour at a time” but some of us need some professional help and something a bit stronger than chocolate. (though chocolate is wonderful LOL!)
As far as “diagnosing” the Ps–if it quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck–and since I am not signing a chart or making a legal document out of this blog, and am not going to give them any medication, or treat them, I’ll cross the “line” and say “he’s a P as far as I can see” or “he’s acting like a P” quite frankly, I don’t care if the diagnosis is clinicaly “right” or not—they just need to be OUT of our lives—preferably on a desert island that isn’t on a map! Even if their PCL-R is only 29, that’s “close enough for government work” in my book.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 9:26pm
rperk6069 says:
holywatersalt,
No, I am absolutely not suicidal. I was only stating that years ago, the meds they had me on, did do strange things to me.
The whole point was, I was asking How to heal thinking that I was taking a very long time to do so. Earlier today I read something that helped to see that I am normal, that healing is different for everyone and we all heal in our own time. Thank you for your concern tho. I do appreciate it. I would like to make it very clear that I am NOT suicidal and don’t have ANY thoughts of that.
Monday, 21 April 2008 @ 9:27pm
Free says:
Aloha: I wonder why the “psychic” didn’t get the feeling that something was wrong with your Bad Man. Those crazy psychics!
I wondered that ALL the time. I used to think, if she is so bloody psychic, why doesn’t she get it about him? But sometimes, I get things too and I never got it about him until later after we had split and I started getting answers. I don’t think it is so much about being psychic, I think it is more about listening to our own intuition.
On her website, she has listed on there that she is a medium, spiritual and intuitive so really, I’m not sure if it is just a game or not. I don’t know her, so I don’t know if she is an honest woman. She knew she was taking a married man away from his family, so I have been quite confused about that one.
I don’t bother about it anymore. He is a blank person. There is nothing inside him that is real. It is all a mirror image and it isn’t tangible. He mirrors who he is with. I have a mirror in my bedroom and it is made out of glass. I don’t need another human being to be my pretend mirror to tell me who I am, because I can see who I am when I look in my glass mirror everyday. I don’t actually need my glass mirror either to know who I am on the inside, because I already know.
I am over caring about someone who is a nothing. I’ve realised a while ago that that is exactly what he was, which is why he projected it onto me and I was a nothing that he came to despise. He was essentially looking at himself and he couldn’t stand it. I am free of him, because I no longer love him or care about him, how can you possibly care for someone who tried to destroy your life and your very soul?
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 4:32am
Free says:
gennyrabbit:
If I kept thinking about it, it would literally do my head in. I am not like them so can never understand it. I cannot change anything and I have come to accept it. I was an absolute mess at that time and so vulnerable. I even felt bad about trying to get her to see the truth about him, because I felt like a terrible person for doing that. Now I look back and think I had every right to say my piece. I was married to him. I had believed in my wedding vows. I was completely faithful during our entire relationship. I had loved him. I only wish I was of sound mind when I did contact her in the beginning, I was so devastated at his betrayal and that there was a third party involved. It was a really awful time, because he was playing me like a puppet and I was emotionally very highly strung and my thoughts were very scattered.
I contacted her when I saw everything. She told me in an email that she dreamt about me and saw how confused I was, about his trying to stay in our lives and that is why she made her site public so I would see the truth about them. She also told me that she was sorry if the content and photos of them kissing hurt me, because she would never, ever want to hurt me. She also told me that she had no other way of making him stop what he was doing, because at that time that they were having their online fling and he had been over for a two week visit, I think he was making her jealous by spending time with me and my son. She wanted me to see her site so he would stop ’seeing me’.
What she didn’t know was that he was still trying to assert his control over me. I would push him away, tell him to leave me alone, I would start to see him for who he was, I would tell him. Then he would cry when I was strong and put on a huge ‘I would never do anything to hurt you’ and as soon as I was vulnerable and caring again, he would ignore me, taunt me that I was a victim and it would bring me undone. It was bloody awful.
She also told me in one of her emails that he was still finding himself and that he had a long way to go before he did and that she gave him the time and the space to do it. He moved from our family into hers in her country less than a year after he moved out of ours.
Unbelievable isn’t it? Here, I am married to this man, devastated over our breakup and his lies and she has written that she is soon to be Mrs _____, she wrote that on her site and the date of her blurb about them being in love was late Dec 06 and that they had met six weeks earlier online.
It was a shitty discovery. But it started my journey of healing and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that I don’t have OCD anymore. That was as crippling as being unloved and abused.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 5:42am
Free says:
Aloha, I forgot to add to your post: I think your story exemplifies the fact that Mental Health professionals need to learn so much more about Sociopath’s and the effects on their victims.
I couldn’t agree more. There is barely any awareness or help out there for sufferers. There really isn’t and there is such a stigma attached to it too. I am going to write about my experiences to bring awareness. It is hard to talk about and I’m not yet brave enough to put my face to it. It was very scary sending the email to Donna because I have felt so ashamed of it, like I was a mental nut case. But now I know I am not. I am so glad that I know the reason for it now and that I don’t have that to deal with it anymore when I wake up every day.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 5:53am
Free says:
holywatersalt: I do wonder about OCD- as you know therapists txt it as if it’s organic, just use cognitive behaviorl atherpay and it will be better. Talk therapy is thought not to work.
Yes, I tend to think that they don’t look for the cause and rather act upon the symptom. It is like dieting. I used to focus on my overeating and what I was shovelling in my mouth and not looking at the root cause of why I was overeating. I know now why I did.
I think the why is the key to finding out how we get these symptoms in the first place.
I had a fear of driving amongst other things and a counsellor a long time ago, said that I needed to go for small drives to build up my confidence. Well, I was already doing that and it was only making it worse because I had someone constantly telling me that I will hit someone, dent the car, watch out, you nearly hit that car, blah blah, undermining my confidence, telling me that I sucked. She didn’t ask me about my relationship and I was so abused and controlled I didn’t think to talk about it, because I was half alive and I just accepted that what he told me was true. I think, from my experience anyway, it is a difficult concept for therapists to understand such ambient abuse exists.
OxD and LilOrphan,
I had stress wazoo too. I used to forget pin numbers, directions to someones house all sorts. I can put these times down to when he was playing around and I just couldn’t ’see’ it. There are so many symptoms of living with these kinds of people aren’t there? It is amazing how this all affects your mind, body and soul. It really is so sad and devastating the impact that it has on us until we start to heal.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 6:16am
holywatersalt says:
OxD-
If I were a strong person–well, I wouldn’t have screwed up as I did.
And no I am not anti-self diagnosis, I agree OFTEN it is obvious, esp. Psychos.
I have gone to therapists and found varying degrees of help.
What worked for me is realizing suffering is part of life, and to try and hang on . That got me through labor and delivery : )
In NO WAY am I trying to tell people to tough it out, that it just takes endurance or to “suck it up” ….. I hate that advice.
For me it was a lot reading, much acceptance and constant reminders that I am YES dealing with a sociopath.
I am not fond of drugs- not to a scientologist degree, but while there are sucesses with them, through my work I have read much about disasters with drugs.Not to mention my husband’s anti-depressants- taken for migraine– make him grouchy as he admits.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 6:24am
holywatersalt says:
Free-
Thank you for mentioning OCD and ambient abuse…..it’s a light bulb moment. I can’t tell you— it makes so much sense.
I lived with, among other things, a patholigical hoarder. You know the kind where you open the door and see piles and goat paths to chairs.
Thanks so much–this is a lot to think about.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 6:35am
LilOrphan says:
Free:
I lost my keys and pin numbers all the time. Went through three money cards in that year; kept misplacing them (haven’t done it since going NC last year!). All I can remember is feeling frantic all the time…sometimes crying, sometimes just walking around in a daze…and yet, deep down, feeling cold and numb, unlike myself. It was a state of perpetual panic with no clear-cut outward reasons.
Having been away from him for so long, and besides that having only had a casual relationship with him before (never the intensity or such frequent contac) I totally didn’t get it. Thought it was all my family issues pushing me over the edge - and maybe they were partly to blame.
But not totally. Not by half. Because the family issues are still here, but I feel back to normal. No panic. A little paranoia, according to my co-workers — a little overly worried that I’m doing stuff wrong and am to blame for a bazillion things.
All of these responses are part of the symptoms victims of emotional abuse exhibit during and after the fact, OCD and PTSD, too.
We’re blessedly NORMAL! And we’re blessedly still walking around to tell the tale, getting stronger every day.
Hugs to you for the fearlessness it takes to tell your story!
Holywatersalt:
IT is just it. Hahahaha. Here I was thinking IT was short for some sort of illness or issue, like OC or PTSD. LOL. Too much time reading mental health sites!!
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 6:58am
Free says:
holywatersalt: Thank you for mentioning OCD and ambient abuse…..it’s a light bulb moment. I can’t tell you— it makes so much sense.
Thanks for that comment. I know what it is like to feel so alone with something like this. It truly sucked. I used to worry that if I told anyone I’d be wheeled off wearing a white straight jacket down to Ward 16 at the nearest funny farm.
My ex also hoarded stuff, a lot of it is computer parts and old discs and floppies which are still in my garage, I haven’t been able to get rid of it yet. Too much time spent healing and learning about myself. It is on my to do list. I think because he knew that it drove me crazy, that is why he wouldn’t throw anything out. Same with messing up the house straight after I had done a full house clean. Gosh, he was like a kid with ADHD. I think once they find out what you can’t stand, they use it as a weapon.
I’m so glad that it makes sense to you.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 7:23am
Free says:
holywatersalt: If I were a strong person–well, I wouldn’t have screwed up as I did.
I saw your above comment to OxD. It takes strength to admit your mistakes. A weak person cannot do that. So, I don’t believe for one minute that you are weak.
I too have noticed that no one in this life is exempt from suffering. NOONE. It is called life and I agree with you. I liken suffering to learning. Suffering leads us to finding out what our strengths are and what we are capable in the storm of the suffering. It sometimes returns us to ourselves because we have become lost.
I also agree with your comment about acceptance. The key to acceptance is letting go of our suffering. It is also key to loving ourselves too.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 8:57am
Free says:
Dear almost_free
13 is our lucky number!!! I also celebrate that I have my life, my health and a relationship with my son back. It is so liberating and I love the independence that I now have back and I will never ever take it for granted. Independence is so precious.
I have been in this country for 7 years in July. We moved over here 2001. I had such dreams and hopes for our new life in this country. I didn’t really want to move here because I was leaving my life and my home behind. I was trying to be so positive and ‘follow’ him like such a romantic fool. He was running away. Running away from everyone back home who knew him for what he was, which I didn’t know. It was so important to isolate us.
Congrats on your divorce. I’m not divorced yet. I am emotionally free, but not… unmarried free… yet.
I thought that when the divorce does come through, I will go to the beach and celebrate and have some kind of ceremony by chucking my wedding and engagement rings. I am a very sentimental person when it comes to things. But I am not with my rings. They are a symbol of a sham. A symbol of what I thought was so important, but was a shackle that held me in all that relationship filled with abuse. I have told a couple of people what I am going to do and they were horrified. Said I should pawn them or get them made into something else. But for me, it feels more comfortable and more fitting to ‘throw’ them away. I don’t care about the money. Really, it is such a tiny diamond and it doesn’t hold any personal value to me. It just feels right to do just that.
I understand your pain for your children. It is difficult enough for us to get through it and understand it. But when they do it to our innocent children, that is really hard to comprehend.
almost_free, you have much to celebrate. You ARE free.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 9:14am
Free says:
Aloha: I had a period of time where I started to feel completely NUTS. That was about the time when I felt that I understood how women kill their abusers because the finally snap from all the abuse.
Yes, the battered wife syndrome. I think it is a real tragedy. I would like to see a study on this very matter.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 9:51am
OxDrover says:
First I would like to apologize to R perk–I didn’t mean to insinuate that she was currently suicidal–and rereading my post it did sound like that.
Suicide after starting antidepressants is rare, but it does happen, because the person gets starts to do better and actually gets enough energy to actually kill themselves. I lost a friend and former foster child to that very “side effect” when he was profoundly depressed and his family doctor gave him the medication without having therapy or other follow up along with the medication.
WE are fortunate to have one “secret weapon” in our healing and that is each other. The similarities and yet, the DIVERSITIES of our experiences and our willingness to share insights, questions, pain, and joy with each other. To celebrate the good days and support the bad days, or the slide backs.
Free and HWS–to me finding MEANING in the suffering was the key to letting go of the anger about it.
Orphan, in a sad sick way, it is almost funny that your therapist was suggesting as a “cure” the very thing that was making the problem with your fear of driving. LOL But you know, I think that “lots of folks” who give us advice about how to “live with” or “get along with” the Ps almost do the same thing. They make excuses for the Ps behavior and tell us how to live with it, or make “it all better” FOR HIM.(her)
“Democracy” only works in some cases, not all…two wolves and a sheep democratically deciding what to have for supper may not turn out well for the sheep. LOL Dealing with the Ps in a “fair and equitable manner” is about that ridiculous, and we try it and fail (DUH!) and then our friends and family try to give us more ideas on how WE can “improve” life for the P and therefore he/she should be nicer to us. LOL
Free: YOU GO GIRL, throw them suckers as far away as you can hurl them! It doesn’t matter if the stone is the size of a pigeon egg and worth a mint, if throwing them away makes you feel better and symbolizes your release, I think it is wonderful. You are right, it isn’t about the “money” or the “value” of the gold or the stone, it is about the symbol for YOU.
OCD, and the symptoms that go with it, can be totally life ruining just in themselves, and it sort of “makes sense” to me that when we “lose total control” over our own lives and start to DOUBT ourselves, and our own sanity that we could start to display some of those OCD symptoms in an effort to “check on” ourselves (who we now doubt) and to keep ourselves SAFE.
One day in a therapy session I was very upset and crying and my therapist asked me “WHAT do you want?” and I thought a micro-second and I screamed out I WANT TO FEEL SAFE!
I realized afterwards that I had ALWAYS felt “safe” here on this piece of property where I had “felt safe” as a child, it was my HOME, though I had “lived” all over the US and the world, “Home” was here—safety was here—until the P attacks. I had suffered “SANCTUARY TRAUMA” (I took that phrase from another blog, can’t remember which one) and there now was NO PLACE ON EARTH that I felt truly SAFE. No hole to hide in when the world got to dangerous.
Of course, LIFE IS NOT “SAFE,” but my perception of absolute safety had been violated. When the Ps were here I told my son one day when we came back to get something that I “felt a great black cloud of evil hanging over the place” It was almost visible and almost touchable. No matter that I had a place to GO, the money to buy another house, I was EMOTIONALLY HOMELESS. I bought the RV and it became my emotional “cave” to hide in while I waited out the turn of events.
It’s “odd” too, that though I am now living back at the farm, I am still living too in the RV, I think, because I still feel safer there than in my nice 4-bedroom home 100 feet away from where the RV is parked. So I guess that is some form of OCD or avoidance, but I’ve decided that it is OK, if I never move back into the house totally. I’m more willing to “go with the flow” and to listen to my gut, and if living in a 38 ft. RV makes me feel safer, that’s OK. Just like FREE wanting to throw away the gold and diamond rings to make HER feel better, is okay, so is me sleeping in the RV rather than the “nicer” and “bigger” house that SOMEONE ELSE might prefer. LOL
The experiences change us all, in biological ways, in emotional ways, and we COPE, we heal and we grow into our OWN UNIQUE BEAUTY, and we don’t have to become square pegs in square holes, and if we want to be round pegs in square holes we CAN LET OURSELVES do that. ((((hugs))))) Peace, healing and love to you all.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 10:27am
gennyrabbit says:
okay. i get it.
Free, i don’t think it would of made a difference had you been in the right state of mind. it seems like she really wanted him and plus she seems too weird to think or listen. timing her profile to public so you could see it is very manipulative and hurtful and then saying that she is psychic as if that explains it … she sounds as if she is in socio terroritory herself.
a guy i knew had stolen 300,000 from his insurance company’s account and put it in his own. his office was closed down but he was never convicted. he was fancy free really. but he became involved with a guy he met on a cruise. he put this guy in charge of his finances, let him move in, paid for anything he wanted (a truck and an RV). In a matter of time that guy stole 150,000 from him apart from the gifts which he kept. They are both rotten and i am sure the boyfriend was a socio but the point is what goes around comes around. there is a saying ‘you can’t con an honest man’ as in a con can con a con. i think he may be getting some of his own brand of punishment now.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008 @ 10:48am
alohatraveler says:
FREE,
I used to say things like that about the soul to the Bad Man… that he was attacking me right down to my soul. I have never experienced anything like this before. I suppose we sound like such drama queens to anyone whom has not experienced a sociopath up close like this. They do have the gift to dismantle use, don’t they?
When you made your comment about the psychic, the reason I had the response I did was that there was a “psychic” as one of the cast members of my Bad Man Extravaganza as well! How weird is that? I think these guys attract all kinds of strange people. Here’s how it all connected… my friend, a relationship coach had already met the Bad Man before I moved to the islands. A friend of hers out there had been involved with him before me but for some strange reason, she did not experience what I did but she did notice he was a little off perhaps. This woman became friends with a “psychic” who was also a Massage Therapist. (She moved to the island shortly after me). As it turns out, I had been interviewed by this woman back on the mainland for a Spa job I had applied to but she didn’t like me because she “had a feeling” about ME… FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Bad Man told me she had said this about me once he made her aquaintence through some other woman that…… awwwwhhh FORGET IT!!!
WHAT A NIGHTMARE!!!
No wonder I keep saying I feel like I was in a movie or something. I don’t even believe myself when I try to tell what happened… and wait… now I remember, it wasn’t that women, it was the other woman.. the one that thought I was a psycho but that’s another story, now isn’t it?
Thank GOD I can see how absurd this was. My time in Maui was a total circus with Bad Man as the Ring Master. Pretending it was a movie… cut to the scene where I get off the airplane… birds tweeting, perfumed breeze blowing, ukulele music pipping in over the PA.. Enter sappy broken hearted mainland girl weeping tears of joy, pushing a big cart of luggage containing everything I will need to start my life over in the islands… Cut to the closing scene.. Broken Hearted Maui Reject #8477 for year of 2005, more tan now, Tears streaming down face, shell shocked… pushing now smaller cart of luggage containing everything I have left to start life over in the place I left in the first place.
Fill in whatever you want between the two scenes.. whatever happened to you, happened to me… but with flowers and palm trees.
The End.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 1:21am
OxDrover says:
Aloha,
Well, girl, you have missed your calling as a “stand up comic” you made me laugh again, woman! But you “stole” my line about “I don’t even believe myself when I try to tell what happened.” LOL Aint’ THAT THE TRUTH!?! It sounds so like a bad movie plot! My story too. Maybe you and I should team up and write stand up comic routines about “bad BFs” and all we’d have to do is tell the TRUTH, but no one would believe us! LOL ROTF…
You know, though, seriously, what makes it all so cockamamie “funny” is that it was so darned painful and crazy at the time it was going on and I had NO idea at all that I was just being used as part of a “bad plot.” It FELT SO REAL.
Well, at least you got the flowers and palm trees, and that’s something…but actually in the end, I think you got a lot more than just flowers and palm trees, I think you WON that “game” with your BM, you’ve still got your soul, and he didn’t have one to start with. May the fleas of a thousand camels inhabit his arm pits and other sensitive areas.!
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 2:11am
Free says:
Well, someone today had their mobile ring set to the sound of psycho music and I thought to myself, ‘mmm… wish I had heard that whenever he was around, then I would’ve known I was unsafe.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 3:45am
Free says:
Aloha, my ex had some very strange friends. I think he needed them in his life to make himself feel better about himself. He never had people around him that were more successful than he was either. Everyone he associated with, earned less than he did, and they didn’t drive a stupid luxury car (that I absolutely hated because it was red and showy and I wasn’t allowed to drive). Everything about him was for show only. Surface stuff.
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 5:37am
OxDrover says:
Free,
My XBF-P grew up “poor” and felt that “rich” people looked “down” on poor people, so his desire was to be “rich” so HE could look down on “poor” people and feel superior. He too drove the “shiny sports car” that cost a lot of money.
Of course, he wasn’t really “rich” but he FELT rich by comparison to how he felt when he was growing up. It’s funny too, his parents/grandparents weren’t any more “poor” than mine were but it was the PERCEPTION of “poor” that made him FEEL poor, where I had no feeling of being “poor” or looked down on by people “with money” I knew they had more THINGS than I did or bigger houses, etc. but never felt that made them “better” than me.
P-XBF would also offer to buy all kinds of things for his GFs, like my washer went out right after we started dating and I was going the next day or so to buy a new one and he immediately offered to buy me one. I thanked him for the gesture, but DECLINEd and I actually think it made him mad that I wouldn’t let him play the “big man takes care of the little woman who should be grateful to him and have sex with him” ploy.
Free, I’ve seen Ps that would hang out with TRASHY PEOPLE so they could feel superior (my P-on) and sometimes the opposite, my P-XBF wanted to hang out with “elite” or what he thought was elite old friends from high school, Doctors and Lawyers and judges, etc. He would frequently “drop in” on them at work or that sort of thing…FUNNY though, THEY never dropped by to see HIM. LOL So I think he was more IMAGINING they had a “friendship” than anything else. He used to like to tell me about “Judge So and So that he went to see” etc. The friends that he “hung with” tended to be of lower socio-economic or intellectual levels.
Another thing I noticed too was he would be sweet to their faces and nasty comments about them behind their backs. Very critical about “nothing” things—isn’t it funny that now that you are out of the darned FOG you can see lots of things about them that are NOT ATTRACTIVE but actually off-putting that you didnt even seem to really notice back in the days of the FOG. LOL
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 8:43am
LilOrphan says:
“Another thing I noticed too was he would be sweet to their faces and nasty comments about them behind their backs. Very critical about “nothing” things
What was that about??? The P did that, too, about everyone: friends, associates, even his own family members. Talking trash about them all the time. Even if I said something complimentary, rather than agree he’d just denigrate them.
Guess it was to make himself feel superior?
Why is all of life about judgment for them, and win/lose games?
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 5:46pm
Warrior says:
Dear All: It is so eerie reading some of your comments; sometimes it feels as if we were seeing the exact same person. Funny how similar their traits are, even down to the things they say. Ridiculing the same people they had just been sucking up to (mostly because they wanted something from them). This is the only game they know. A sad life. And creepy!
Wednesday, 23 April 2008 @ 11:16pm
OxDrover says:
Warrior,
I think many of us have wondered if we were all dating the “same” person. LOL Yes, there are so many things about them that are so “predictable” about them, like they all learned what they do at a “finishing school for Ps” or that they are reading from “the same script.”
The faces may be different, but the CHARACTER is still the same…NO SOUL, NO HEART, NO CONSCIENCE.
Yes, it is a sad life, and I think sometimes that some of the at least seem to sense that WE have “something” that they don’t know what is, and they would like to have it, but like a person born blind has difficulty getting the concept of “colors” or a person born deaf has difficulty getting the concept of “music” they have difficulty understanding what “love” or “caring” is…as Dr. Robert Hare says, “They can say the words, but they can’t learn the music” (paraphrased) I think that is a very apt description—but I do think that some of them somehow intuitively know that WE have something and they would like to have it, but when they get close to us, and can’t “get it” they become more angry/hostile and like a petulant child, want to destroy what they can’t have.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 12:05am
Fighter says:
He said that it was a friendship only on his side and that the other woman had been presumptuous to think that there could be a relationship by sending him that kiss email and he had told her it was friendship only.
How many times we’ve heard THAT one!! Either during the relationship when you suspect cheating or about YOU once they’ve dumped you and moved on to the next supply.
That comment should raise a massive red flag every time. The only one we’ve heard more than that is “She’s just a SCORNED WOMAN.”
Not scorned, just wised up.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 3:28am
Free says:
I would prefer to make friends with people who are successful, positive people who are following their dreams the honest, hardworking way. People who are honest, kind and caring who have depth to them and couldn’t be bothered wasting their time playing games. My husband used to accuse me of playing games when I stood up for myself years ago. I used to be so confused and upset afterwards and think, how is standing up for what I believe in and wanting to be heard playing games? Then I started to believe everything he was saying. I am so glad he is gone. I doubted myself at every turn in that relationship.
I renovated our house without his help. He promised that when we bought it, that we would both do it up. He refused to budge once we moved in and it was not a renovators delight. It was a total do-up wreck. So I put all my soul into renovating it myself. When I had finished and put in new furniture, you know what he did? He went out and bought a skull on a stick and stuck it into the corner of our lounge where it stuck out. I was so upset when he did that. You know what he said? ‘There is nothing of mine in this room, so the stick stays.’ I used to take that stick and hide it, he would find it and put it back there. People used to come over and say, what’s with the ugly skull stick? So, so glad he is gone. He knew how much I loved all the hard work I had put into renovating our house, no compliments from him, so I got all the validation I needed from other people. I hated that stick!!! It was total control. Yes, he did have his things in our lounge. We bought the furniture with OUR money. What an idiot.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 4:56am
OxDrover says:
Boy, Free, he sure knew how to push your buttons didn’t he? I know it isn’t “funny” and yet it is “funny” how they can push those buttons on us just like a world champion typist can hit the keyboard.
They know JUST HOW and WHERE to poke the knife in and make the deepest wound. He wouldn’t help, but he had to ugly-up what you did yourself. How petty and so like a petulant child, he didn’t want to do it but he didn’t want you to succeed in doing it either.
AND WE LOVED THESE PEOPLE AND WHY?????
Yea, my XBF-P had this “thing” about remaining “friends” with all his exlovers even after the break up—what he wanted was of course, “Friends with benefits” whenever he just happened to be passing through town. He kept telling me “We are such good friends, I know if we ever break up we will still be good friends.”
No, we are NOT “friends” although I AM good and close friends with several men I seriously dated even 40+ years ago. Funny isn’t it, but those men didn’t USE me, or ABUSE me, it was just an ordinary “break up”—not like with a P at all.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 5:24pm
peggywhoever says:
LilOrphan:
Regarding your statement, ““Another thing I noticed too was he would be sweet to their faces and nasty comments about them behind their backs. Very critical about “nothing” things…What was that about??? The P did that, too, about everyone: friends, associates, even his own family members. Talking trash about them all the time. Even if I said something complimentary, rather than agree he’d just denigrate them.”
I believe this relates to a link I had posted previously regarding “Tricksters”. I have come to believe that Con Men, Tricksters, and Sociopaths are synomymous.
Below is the link for tricksters, and I have copied only the (a) and (c) sections which I find applicable.
http://www.infowest.com/busine.....sters.html
A. Being insecure, yet proud, they will talk badly about other people, trying to get you to agree. They recount stories of personal success, but are stingy with praise for others.
c. They have few, if any, real friends. These people are afraid to get close to anyone they can’t completely control, for fear their deceptive nature will be uncovered. It may seem they are offering friendship and help, but it is only a mirage, acted out to gain one’s confidence. Does confidence/con-man ring a bell?
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 6:12pm
OxDrover says:
Ah, yes it RINGS A BELL!
On C, especially, I see that they don’t really have “good friends” at all. They have people they “know” (are acquaintences with, but not friends thoigh they may call them “friends”) What “nice” things they do to or for you are calculated for a “pay back” and are an “investment” not a genuine offer of friendship and reciprosity.
ON A, I personally talk pretty badly about the Ps, but not about others. With the P XBF he was always “irritated” by how other people talked, what their opinons were, how they lived their lives, in fact, everyone was “not okay” except him and of course, you, bt then that minute as long as you agreed with him about others, you were ‘ok” but it was a conditional thing, until he started talking back about you to the very people he was talking bad to you about. Nothing positive about anyone he knew.
Thanks for the link, nice.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 6:24pm
Free says:
Boy, Free, he sure knew how to push your buttons didn’t he? I know it isn’t “funny” and yet it is “funny” how they can push those buttons on us just like a world champion typist can hit the keyboard.
Yes OxD, he certainly knew how to do that! He was not the only one in my life to know how to do that either. I’m concentrating at the moment on having clear boundaries for myself, so that people cannot do that ever again. Incidentally, no one does that to me anymore but I want to ensure that it never happens again and it stops with me.
He wouldn’t help, but he had to ugly-up what you did yourself
I used to say to him, why do you always like ugly things? Why? LOL now. He did it to piss me off. It worked too. He showed that in our home, he had absolutely no taste, but his external image was completely different. He knew how to look in expensive suits and an expensive luxury car. It was just a game to him. He knew that I liked pretty things. I come from state housing in my childhood, so from an early age, have always had an ability to make something not so nice look absolutely fantastic and always dreamed of one day becoming an interior designer. I think he was jealous of me. I really do. He is only good at being one thing: a sociopath.
Oh, OxD, he did so many things to push my buttons. Everytime I made the bed, he would jump onto it, lay on his back and put both hands out to the sides and grab the edges of the duvet cover and pull it up to him. I used to get so upset and anxiety used to fill my core that he would do it.
He would sometimes, move things around such as change the position of the knives and forks in the cutlery drawer. He didn’t do the dishes, he just thought it was a game. I would say, ‘why did you change them around?’ I mean seriously, who does that for sport? He would say, ‘I thought that’s where they went.’ He would put the teaspoons in the large knife spot. He seriously screwed with my head. I am quite petite in height, and he would always put everything up high. Would hide things, it was so frustrating.
In that marriage, I would ask myself, was I always so stressed out? Am I just a stressed out person that can’t handle life? What is wrong with me? I would forget pin numbers, directions, all sorts. I would ask him to do something and he would say yes. Then he wouldn’t do it, I’d ask him again, he’d yell at me, ‘I said alright didn’t I.’ I’d wait a few days and still the dishes would be there, the laundry, everything waiting. I’d end up doing it myself.
How petty and so like a petulant child, he didn’t want to do it but he didn’t want you to succeed in doing it either.
No. He definitely didn’t want that. Fancy spending your life trying to sabotage another’s? It bamboozles me that it is a motive for another to feel good about themselves that that is what they do.
Thursday, 24 April 2008 @ 9:15pm
Odette says:
This post caught my eye some time ago but for some reason I never read it until today.
I had OCD before my P moved in with me but I only realised now that it became worse during the time he lived with me. My OCD took the form of checking that doors and windows were locked and certain electrical appliances were unplugged. It got to the point where I’d get up at night just to check that everything was as it should be. I’d stare at the door and check it over and over, unable to believe that it was locked unless I checked just one more time (and again and again).
I knew my OCD became worse under stress but I never connected it with the stress HE was causing me. He brought all his problems into the relationship and everything we did revolved around him and his needs.
Reading this post made me realise that my OCD symptoms have lessened. I still check the doors but I haven’t got up during the night in weeks. Sometimes all I do is glance at the door to reassure myself. I can leave appliances plugged in and not worry. I haven’t checked the windows in ages!
Yet another reason to be thankful I’m rid of the beast.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008 @ 8:41am
OxDrover says:
Odette,
Yea, it is amazing what STRESS will do to us, huh? Glad you are doing better with your OCD. Mine didn’t give me OCD but they sure as heck made me “crazy as a out house rat!”
LOL Had no short term memory to remember if I had done things though, so I worried over what I might have (and did) forget on a daily basis…that’s improving now too that the stress has decreased. BAck to just a more normal level of CRS.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008 @ 9:29am
Free says:
Odette,
I hope that your symptoms disappear, I know how distressing it is to continuously check again and again. I remember too, that the most stressful times made it almost unbearable to cope with.
I am glad that they have lessened. Here’s to them one day disappearing for good!
xx
Wednesday, 18 June 2008 @ 4:42am
Odette says:
OxD and Free
Thank you for your support. The OCD is much better and that’s a huge relief. Hopefully one day it will disappear completely.
Thursday, 19 June 2008 @ 4:34am
Beverly says:
Dear Odette, there is some very good and effective treatment these days for OCD. The anxiety around the ‘checking’ component of OCD is very commonplace and is treatable. Many years ago, I suffered panic attacks and after therapy and stress management I managed to correct it. I have not suffered from it since. Many anxiety based phobias respond well to the right treatment.
Thursday, 19 June 2008 @ 1:45pm