Why did I stay with the sociopath?
PDF I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ‘what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ‘what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did – before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me – and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say – but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty – because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself – not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be – independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today –Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
turtle_maddness says:
I need some help in understanding why my sister stayed with her boyfriend after she found out he stole $30,000 from her and doesn’t seem to care.
She had been with this guy for 3 years. At first he is a seeminly very nice guy, seemed to do a lot for her and get along great with us all. After a while we started getting annoyed at how much he bragged, and then we began to see he clearly lied and made up almost everything he said. He would say he had met many celebrities, said he had bought 5 houses for them over the course of a year but came up with an excuse every time as to why they couldn’t move in. He said he had done a lot of stuff that didn’t add up-schools he went to, scholarships he had gotten, jobs and making money that it is impossible for him to have been making. We wondered how my sister didn’t see it and believed everything.
Anyways recently our father passed away, and we had to deal with our evil (probably sociopathic) step mother trying to take everything and gave us very little. As if dealing with losing our father wasn’t hard enough. Anyways my sister had money from him he had given her for school. Within the last few months it had gone missing in lrage chunks. She was upset and her bf told her “don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”. We all suspected it was him but didn’t say anything because my sister would have gotten mad.
Long story short, we just found out he had stolen the money…but she has known for 4 months. He promised he’d pay her back which he clearly isn’t planning on, but why would she trust him after what he did!? And how could he do this after we had gone through the pain of losing our father at a very younge age (she is only 20).He comforted her about our dad and the stolen money, all while he was the one stealing it!He even went as far as to make a fake e-mail account (as if a lawyer would have a .yahoo account-how could she not have known?) and used a voice changer to make phonecalls to her. He gets angry when she reminds him of what he did saying he “knows he screwed up “but is now blaming it on his ‘personality disorder’. This guy literally put on the show of a lifetime making us think he was so in love with her, doing so many little things for her, “buying” her so many things (I say that in quotes because he was using her money!)He told us he was going to propose, that he made 300 thousand dollars a year and would take care of her…basically it’s clear everything he ever told her and us was a lie…how he lied with such ease and no remorse is beyond me…it sickens me actually. He would steal her bankcard, go take money out, then buy her roses and come home as if he did nothing wrong. He has invested so much time, that’s why it’s so hard to see this as only a game to him, why woudl he waste 3 years playing a game if he didn’t love her and didn’t care about hurting her?
Oh and he still e-mails her from the fake account pretending to be the lawyer.
My question is , how could she have not called the police on him right away and why did she still talk to him for so long? She has just now told us what happens, that she feels stupid, and went to the police because we told her to. But for 4 months she was still friends with him although they had broken up, she still went out to visit him, to dinner, said they might get back together (!?), talked to him daily…how could she have kept this from us and how could she still talk to him as if what he did was just “a little” wrong!? I can’t comprehend this and I’m so angry at her, (and him obviously). After reading this website, it ‘s clear that he never really loved her at all, and this confuses me.
She said she noticed his inconsistencies and lies but went along with it and she “didnt know why” she stayed…he seeminly treated her well, there was no mental or physical abuse, to her and the outside world he was a great boyfriend who treated her better than anyone I know who has a gf, but it was all a lie…
Does anyone understand how after finding out that big of a lie she didn’t freak out, call the cops, and never talk to him again? We are now dealing with this as a family but it is so hard for me to believe what he did and her reaction to it. It’s terrifying to think you can totally put all your trust in someone, think you know them, and really not know them at all, really they are playing you in their little game…it’s horrifying!!
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KATYA says:
I don’t know how they do it. One day, when I got home from work, my son rushed out to me and said NOW YOU WILL BELIEVE ME, NOW YOU WILL SEE WITH YOUR OWN EYES. He showed me my ex abusing my baby. you know what I said? I said, I’d talk to him… And I did. And I wrote it off as not knowing how to discipline a ONE YEAR Old (he was spanking him while lifting him by one arm). I don’t know how they do it. I do believe there is some kind of hypnosis involved. But, shortly before the truth hit me, I had many very vivid very scary dreams, that were telling me that things were so wrong. I had no idea what the dreams meant. So, now I am going under Hypnosis to remember what my mind tried to suppress. It seems to work, really.
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shabbychic2 says:
turtle_maddness: We just see what we want to see. I’m a woman in my 50′s who has been as dumb as bricks for most of my life. She probably thought he was really going to pay her back! I believed in the goodness of people my entire life, that they were honest like me, boy was I wrong! I loaned the guy money of my own free will!!! It is confusing and heartbreaking to realize that some people just prey on others, she does not know this, look how long it took me to figure out!… and I’ve done it more that once!
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James says:
turtle_maddness’
The truth is whenever we are dealing with someone of this nature the answer and many times the questions don’t come easy. The are many factors to consider and what is apparent, “(she is only 20).” is the age of this person. Some of us learn but only after we see what is really there and it becomes clear to us that we are being used and con under a false umbrella of love. Which is why this site is called “LoveFraud.com”.
I do hope she see him soon for what he really is which is a con and wake up before more damage and monetary lost occurs which it will over time.
Good luck!
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Rosa says:
TurtleMadness:
When you are involved romantically with a sociopath (and that is what he is), their effect is “drug-like”, and all rational judgment goes out the window. It is very difficult for someone on the outside, like yourself, to comprehend. There is a good chance she has been manipulated and maybe even abused psychologically, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.
There is a great article on this site under the category of “Hooked by Sociopaths”. It is called “Love, Sex, Your Brain, and Sociopaths.” You should read it, because it may help you understand your sister’s behavior.
It sounds like she is waking up, because she finally told you what happened, and went to the police, right? That is great!
So, if she called the police, it does not appear that she will be marrying this guy or anything. Do NOT allow your sister to marry this guy!! She is only 20 years old.
My situation is a lot like yours, except my brother is actually married to his psychopath wife. We did not know she was disordered until AFTER the wedding, although the warning signs were there all along. We, as a family, have also been dealing with the consequences of having a psychopath in the family, just like you have been dealing with your sister’s boyfriend, so I can relate to a lot of what you are saying.
I am giving you the same advice I got when I came to LoveFraud seeking help, and it is great advice:
Try not to be angry with your sister for not “freaking out” about the lies. Like I said, she has probably been manipulated by this guy, and is still stuck in the fog. You cannot make her see the boyfriend for the con-artist that he is. She has to come to that realization on her own, as well as all of the negative feelings that go with it. You cannot carry that burden for her. As her brother, be as supportive as you can. She is going to need you and the rest of the family to come out of this.
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Matt says:
turtle_madness:
You are describing all the symptoms of a sociopath — the pity play, the manipulation, the lies, the throwing out the occasional crumb of affection, the brain fog.
I was a criminal defense attorney and I got suckered in by one of these subhumans. My first post, last December, was entitled “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath.” A lot of people on this site says it reads like a playbook for how S’s operate. You might want to go to the archives and look it up.
Also, I can’t recommend “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare and “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. Required reading for Sociopath 101.
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pb says:
I stayed because I mistakenly thought alcohol was the problem; that he was a nice guy who had problems with alcohol, when really, he is a “monster” (his word at the end) and he drinks because he knows what he is (yet another flip-flop of reality; everyone thinks he’s such a great guy with an alcohol problem).
I stayed because I still believe that if you want something, or care enough, you can work things out…and he assured me that his adoration was genuine; that he wanted to deal with his issues.
I stayed because he successfully had me going in circles with trying to make things make sense…How could he be so controlling and angry yet still insist he loved me…What was happening?!
I stayed because I’d always viewed my life prior to him as rather strange, when in fact it had been abusive. I was stronger because of it – a real challenge for him, but I, for the most part, did not recognize it as abuse. No one had ever said they wanted to take care of me, even my own mother.
I stayed because in the beginning my best friend said “If you screw this up I’ll smack you”…I felt a social pressure to make it work. The kids had become best friends, we all socialized (until I got tired of putting drunks to bed).
I stayed because I love his daughter. Many of our scenes began with his verbally abusing his daughter and my defending her.
I stayed because I didn’t know what I was dealing with.
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turtle_maddness says:
thankyou everyone for your comments;
I guess it’s hard for me to understand because you’d think most people when finding out someone they love did this to them with no real explanation as to why, you would be so angry and feel conned, not trust them more. It would be a huge shock, even if she said she knew he lied and she went along with it the whole time for whatever reason.
She now admits she feels humiliated and is starting to think everything he said was a lie, which I understand would be soo hard to swallow considering the person you loved and trusted and thought loved you just scewed you over and basically the whole relationship was a lie. He even tried to blame the fact that he stole on her for giving him her pin-who wouldnt think to give the person they are with for 3 years and trust their pin? I know i’ve done it, now i will think again I suppose.
If he is infact a sociopath, that means he probably never loved my sister at all and the whole thing was a game-although she didn’t have money in the beggining so I’m not sure if he had stolen at that point or it had just gotten worse than just lieing. When my dad died he seemed to be so attentive and careing to her feelings, as he always did.I wonder if he is a pathological liar with some other disorder but still loved her or if he is a sociopath. Seems like the whole realtionship was a lie, and he put on such a good show. Although I knew he was a liar, I thought it was just to make himself look better. If he just pretended to love her, i wonder why, what was the ppoint, and what other ways did he manipulate her. Why did he emulate feelings of love to a random girl if he really had no feelings for her at all? We all thought he was head over heels in love with her, no matter how much he made things up to make himself look good, we believed he loved her. She had no money in the beggining, so did it begin innocently and progress into this? I guess no one can answer that, not even him because he is a liar.
If you physically can not feel love, emotion, guilt, remorse, or any kind of human emotion or conscience, i guess all you are left with is to play games because what else is there to live for?
I guess it’s so hard to grasp because it wasn’t obvious physical abuse, he seemed to dote on her and love her a lot, which is why I can’t believe he actually stole her money then came over to her house and acted lovingly, giving her presents with the money he had stolen from her-it’s mind boggleing!
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Rosa says:
TurtleMadness:
He sounds like a pretty good guy……when he’s not stealing your sister’s money!!!
Unfortunately, that is how they operate. And if given the opportunity, he would do it again, and again, etc.
It seems like you find it hard to believe that he could be so loving to your sister, and then turn around and steal from her. Being loving is how they get close to their victims. Acts of love and doting on her is what a lot of people here call “love-bombing”. It is a tactic that works really well for sociopaths. It is so much easier to manipulate someone when they love and trust you.
“Why did he emulate feelings of love to a random girl if he really had no feelings for her at all?”
I don’t know the details of how these two people met, but I would be willing to go out on a limb and say that she was NOT a random girl to him. He TARGETED her somehow. It was random for your sister, but not for him.
“She had no money in the beginning, so did it begin innocently and progress to this?” HELL NO! He was running a con right from the start. He is a pathological liar. And sociopaths are masterful at sniffing out opportunities where money is concerned. It is like they have this 6th sense when it comes to other people’s $$$.
It sounds like your sister is reflecting on this entire relationship, and is realizing that it was all a lie. As you all educate yourselves on personality disorders, you will see there were warning signs with this guy all along. Only your sister can determine how she was manipulated and abused. Just by blaming her for giving him the PIN number is abusive, as far as I am concerned. That is sick, twisted thinking. Typical sociopath.
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Matt says:
turtle_madness:
It is all about supply with these subhumans. Your sister may not have had money in the beginning, but she was supplying him with something. Probably sex. When the money came along, that was lagniappe (something extra) as we say in Louisiana.
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Rosa says:
TurtleMadness:
“Seems like the whole relationship was a lie, and he put on such a good show.”
Isn’t that the truth, TurtleMadness? They put on a really good SHOW! Their thespian skills are unparalleled.
When my sister-in-law cries, I don’t know whether to get some Kleenex, or hand her an Oscar.
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Rosa says:
Come to think of it, she never cries anymore. Pity plays are not what they used to be.
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blueskies says:
Turtle Madness – ‘If you physically can not feel love, emotion, guilt, remorse, or any kind of human emotion or conscience, i guess all you are left with is to play games because what else is there to live for?’ A great statement
It IS mind boggling for those of us or are not S/P/N’s to wrap our heads around this behaviour, I think its why we all struggle so hard to get over these encounter’s because there is no where to ‘put’ what happened, there is no unravelling and no sense that can be made.
The s/p I knew used to tell people(randomly? – on social networking sites as well as face to face) that he was not capable of loving in the sense that everyone else does… yet use the language of love on his ‘victims’ so thickly it is overwhelming… I asked him why he did this once and he acknolwedged it was strange but said he didnt know (a complete shut down of my questions, I am sure he Does know, then as Rosa said, I had the Oscar winning wailing and crying routine… no more questions answered today!).
I assume this ‘TRUTH’ also works well as part of his pity-play and ‘fishing’.
The reasons for snaring someone he knows does not love are also beyond conception to non S/Ps (I think most non s/p’s, who felt that for whatever reason, they could not or were not ready to ‘love’ would struggle with maintaing even casual dates- I know I do, definately not start talking marriage or whatever) and could be anything, boredom, sex, money, attention, access to social circles whatever.
S/P: “oh poor me I am incapable of loving ”
Already scoped and targeted as an open caring soon to be EASY victim:
“no! I can show you how to love! I can help you to become whole again!”….
S/P: “BINGO!EASY PEASY! hehehe, now what can I get out of this schmuck before I get bored of it.”
You are asking questions about this situation, but I think you already have a good grasp of what he really is, and the amazing guys here will have so much information and support for you, you have come to the right place!
your sister is soooo lucky you are able to see what’s going on and are caring and intelligent enough to want to find out more. I should think this will be a long road for your sister and a frustrating one for you. But once again I say she is so lucky to have you.:)xx
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healing the heart says:
To all you lovely ladies,
reading all these stories ! truly helps me… understand…..
I am not alone.!! It also scares me, and also keeps me strong.
so I dont fall back into the dreamland..with him… cause he is just waiting in the wings…. for me not to be angry with him.
When I asked him simple question… would say, hum,
I dont know, I never thought about it…. end of story.
I asked him when he mom died… he said.. he did not remember…. !! I asked him if he loved his mom… he said..
he did not remember his childhood.. well…. and he had no friends..
He claimed he never loved another women other than me.
No one could even count as a real girlfriend…
all these red flags…. even his x girlfriend called me to clue me in… on so many things about him… we talked for 3 hours..
I could not let him go…. he was so intoxicating… I was so in love with him… his dreams of our life together… and all his promises that never came true…. I am sure she is on this site
still getting over him…!! she told me not to contract her for
6 months after I have not seen him any more….
He claimed… she was not his girlfriend for long…. she was a nightmare…! all red flags…. and I still saw him every night
made him a wonderful dinner… and helped him out of financial problems… cause I loved doing this for him… I did it…!!
Now, he is sitting pretty… I have having hard times financially
and he is …. busy… !! working… and with his sons.
I feel so stupid…. so angry… so… dizzy… !! I come to this wonderful site… many times a day… just to know.. I am not going crazy… !!
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banana says:
Doesn’t this explain it all?
I totally understand Gallagher. It reminded me of what I wrote to Oxy in a separate thread.
In the end, it is only us we can be responsible for.
Yes. they are Conning, and when you first meet them they sweep you off your feet.
My P did this to everyone of the girls he was with, I know this is mean, but I only found one of his GF’s (past and present) good-looking. (Usually I dated men who dated woman I thought were good-looking)
The only things I and these other girls had in common were our low self worth.
They seek us out, they know.
He met me on myspace. I was too revealing I think. I must have mentioned I was Christian, and maybe mentioned I had recently broken up with my BF. (This is where we need to be careful, whether it’s online or in life…they are looking for weakness, right?
I always turned away any guy who would hit on me. He wasn’t even my type. I turned him away at first because he asked me for my number. Then I read his posts…poems. Heart-felt poems. (This was the first hook)
Looking back…he’s never wrote a poem since I met him…doesn’t even write. I think He stole them!!
I knew it wasn’t right to date anyone after a breakup…especially this one…I was still very hurt.
I knew it wasn’t right that I thought I was “in love” after only 4 weeks!
I knew it wasn’t right that he bought me a phone on HIS phone plan within a week, so my Ex couldn’t contact me.
(I f I didn’t have a kid, that is exactly what I’d have done to P)
If I didn’t have a kid with P, I probably would not be talking to you right now because a) I’d would have been done the night P walked out into his A b) He wouldn’t need me for anything.
I knew it wasn’t right to rush into M. I always thought, if your meant to be together you don’t need a piece of paper to keep it that way.
I IGNORED lies that I new were LIES, Ie the sex toys I found and the porn cds.
Late nights on the computer while I was alseep.
All this before I got married. I knew. But I didn’t feel I was worth more than this. I REALLY didn’t I see that now…I still don’t think I am loveable. My therapist and God and I are working on it though.
I don’t want anymore excuses as to why I cannot walk away from P or hang up on him.
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ErinBrockovich says:
Healing the heart:
You are not stupid, you are not crazy……
You are a woman that thought she was in a two sided relationship. You had no control over him…..we have a sort of ‘delay’ button on decoding these perps.
You are a loving, caring person that showed it and gave of herself…….nothing wrong with that….those are valuable qualities in a healthy relationship.
Please do not beat yourself up!!!!
You are in a time of self reflection…..it’s painful, but necessary…you are learning about things none of us were aware of! This is good!
Embrace the process. You will find yourself more aware, able to trust again…..BUT, from a different perspective.
We must not lie naked in the road of life……it’s a guarentee we will get run over!!!!! (And it doesnt matter how sexy we look!)
Trust is earned, we can’t wear it on our sleeves to be taken for free.
This is just one of teh lessons we exit these situations with.
There are millions of lessons…..continue down your path of self exploration……but be kind to yourself!!!!
XXOO
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healing the heart says:
Erin :
Thank you for your kind words….
Gosh.. the words that roped me in.. were really some lines.
in a way.. I still want to believe him.. still want to believe he can love… and loves me…
I told my self.. the one who loves the most is having the most fun…. I rather be me… than him…. !!!
Now I say…. I love my heart more than I will ever love a man who carlessly breaks it.
From now on… I will not give my heart away… from now on..
I will be hard to get… and never again will I treat a man like I treated this guy… ever… never ever…!!
( and I know how he got me to do it…what a master manipulator !) I will spot this a mile away..!!
I never did that before… and I will never do it again.
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