Why did I stay with the sociopath?
PDF I have wrestled with this question for a long time. While with him, I sometimes wondered, ‘what on earth am I doing here’? Since gaining my freedom, I have looked back on those 4 years 9 months and wondered, ‘what on earth was wrong with me that I stayed so long’?
I know there are the physiological/psychological factors that compounded my convoluted thinking causing me to believe that I was incapable of leaving him. I know these factors attributed to my inertia and the resultant trauma bonding that held me pinioned in his unholy embrace. But none of these factors explain why an intelligent, well-educated, articulate woman did what I did – before the trauma bonding, the Stockholm Syndrome, the depression, the pain.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because in the process of burying my truth beneath his lies, I turned off my inner voice of reason. I quit listening to myself telling me I had to leave, I had to get away. I gave into despair, helplessness and confusion and gave up on me. I wanted the rosy sunrise of his promises, the gilded cage of his castle in the air, the perfection of his promises of happily ever after.
I stayed because I didn’t want to take responsibility for what was happening in my life, my daughters’ lives and to me.
I stayed because it was easier to stay than to leave. It was easier to take the coward’s way out by staying locked into his machinations than to take the leap into the unknown by leaving him and his lies behind.
I stayed even though I knew he was lying. I knew he was deceiving me. I knew he was manipulating me. I knew all of this but I refused to look at the truth because to look at the truth meant having to look at me – and I was too frightened to do that.
I stayed because I was a victim and I didn’t want to admit it.
As I write this I think about those who will say – but you can’t blame yourself. You didn’t know who he was when you first met him. You went into that relationship with your arms wide open in love and expected to have your love reciprocated in equal measure.
And all of that is true.
None of it matters though when I look at the reasons for why I stayed.
I could walk into a hundred relationships with my arms wide open and still find them empty – because my arms wide-open were filled with my own empty promises that I would treat myself with love and respect, truth and honesty. My lack of clarity in my beliefs, my values, my principles trapped me in his lies because I didn’t know what I stood for.
I stayed, not because of him, but because of me. My weaknesses brought me to my knees. My weaknesses kept me locked inside the web he wove around me.
On the other side of the relationship, revelling in my freedom today, I am willing and able to stand in the naked light and love myself as I state, unequivocally, I stayed because of me.
He abused me. He lied. He deceived. He used terrifying stories to hold me silent. He manipulated my mind and smothered me with his untruths.
But I am the one who chose to believe him. To let go of reason and accept his unreasonable words and actions. Accept his unacceptable behaviour and compromise on myself – not because of who he was, but because of who I was and who I refused to be – independent, strong, uncompromising in my belief in me and what I deserved from love and life.
In my world, post sociopath, I am 100% accountable for me. Post sociopath I cannot hold him accountable for what happens to me today –Just as he is accountable for what he did, I am accountable for what I did, and what I do today.
I stayed because I did not have the courage and strength of character to stand up for me without fear.
I stayed because I believed he could make up for the past. He could make my life all better.
Today, I let him go in peace. Holding onto resentment, bitterness, anger keeps me from living the beautiful life I deserve. Today, I stay away from holding him accountable for what happened to me because I have the courage to take charge of my life today, to be 100% accountable for me today and to make choices that love and support me today.
In stepping fearlessly into my life today, I leave him behind because I know that the past is gone, today is alive and tomorrow is just a dream away. A dream that will come true as long as I walk my path with dignity, grace and ease, 100% accountable for me.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
James says:
Strange but before I learned about what a pathological liar was I never understood why she needed to lie so much. Even my children knew she lied continually even when the truth would have work much better for her. Because both the children and I walked on eggshells around her we adopted a way of dealing with her lies by agreeing with her and telling her over and over again saying.. “okay whatever _____”. At least by agreeing with her we avoided her verbal abuse. But yes it is true how they “believe” their own lies. I understand today how by her continue lying she can blame others which then allow her to not accept any responsibility for her own actions.
The reason I stay with the relationship at first was because I did love her but then I stay longer because I loved my children even more. So I guess I can say I stay because of love. Having my children with me today and not being with her (Thank you God) I feel that love did prevail in the end even over her own dysfunctional crazy reasoning and all her lies..
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pb says:
When I was packing to move, my S came home and barked at me “…I don’t remember you having that many plants either!”
He had already started going through my stuff so I was going downstairs to get away from him and let him cool down. “I’m sure you don’t” was my response. He hated that. There was nothing he could say.
I was always walking on eggshells with him and had mastered the minimalist response.
I also noticed that he would exaggerate things; five minutes became an “hour”, a few times became “always”. It made it impossible to have a healthy debate, never mind an argument. He’d go off on some nonsensical tangent or contradict himself.
Eventually, he would argue with me because I was giving him “attitude” in refusing to engage in an argument. I couldn’t win for losing, and he would follow me around the house to various rooms to continue arguing. It was crazy! He’d go in circles, lose it and yell or bang his fists if I dared to poke a hole in his story. Then he’d declare “end of discussion!”. I would walk away then the silly man would follow me to continue. It was absolutely crazy…and it was always HIS house, “I can go wherever I want. It’s MY house.”
He actually ran me out of the house on a number of nights. I slept in the neighbours sauna or in my truck a few times each, and spent many nights sitting in my truck or down in the basement, waiting for him to pass out.
One night the neighbour offered me a room after watching S’s jealous outburst in his own living room about my diaries from two years before we’d started dating. He’d gone home to get cigarettes, I thought, and got into the computer while there and came back rip-snorting jealous.
I thanked the neighbour, but told him that if I stayed there S would for sure think we’d done something. I just waited for him to pass out again.
His drinking was crazy and his boundaries were all screwed up even when sober. He enjoyed humiliating me with his social inappropriateness, overly affectionate, overtly sexual, or standing in a neighbours living room yelling at me about guys I dated years before him. He had no problem involving children or starting an argument in front of other people.
And yes, they lie when they don’t even need to. I can only chalk that up to the feeling of control they must be getting when they lie.
Although there were red flags prior, the first three months of living with him were pleasant and uneventful. And then all hell broke loose for the next six months. I suppose I should be thankful it was quick, but it was nasty and ugly.
I mean, we had agreed we were not exclusive for this last round, and he still lied about the other women. It was stupid.
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Wini says:
James, she lies because she’s greedy … greedy to have life always go her way.
I’m glad you are away from a selfish, self absorbed, self centered person. The sooner society understands that they are operating out of total greed, the sooner we can keep them at arms length. The more they are ousted from society, the sooner they should go start to seek professional help to learn how to be a productive member of society. It’s because society in general makes excuses for them still, is the reason it is so rampant in society today. Enough is enough.
Peace. I’m glad you are healing from the likes of her.
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Healing Heart says:
pb – I think they always lie if they think the lie is a better response. Even if the two of you agreed to NOT be exclusive, he knows that saying he is not having sex with other women would make him look better and be less likely to cause any conflict. These guys (and women) will say whatever it is they think is the best response, with no consideration, whatsoever, for the truth. And your guy, if he’s like my ex, was so used to lying about women he was having sex with, that he just did so automatically.
My ex S went through a lot of Cialis, too. He was in his early forties, and in good shape, so I don’t think he needed it for a “normal” sex life. But because he wanted to have sex with so many different women in so short a time period, he needed to take it because no man in his forties can have that much sex.
Who are these doctors who are writing endless scripts for these guys? Don’t they sense something is up.
My ex S also insisted on not using a condom. He swore up and down that he wasn’t having sex with anyone else. I told him how important it was that I maintain a healthy lifestyle and not put myself at risk – and he, of course, was adamant that he was not having sex with anyone else. He was having a lot of sex with a lot of women – some of them women who he met online – Craigs list of adultfriendfinder – so these are women who are willing to have unprotected sex with a stranger. I’m so lucky I came out of all of this without an STD.
Yes, they are selfish, self-absorbed, and totally without conscience. I still shake my head, in utter disbelief, when I think about his behavior. I’m learning more and more from this site, and other resources, about Sociopaths, and he is classic. And he does what they do – lie, cheat, steal, behave in an outrageously promiscuous manner, and generally behave like a monster. Even though I know he’s an S, and does exactly what an S does, I’m still shocked at it, and still think “How could he have done this??” I guess I have to accept that I will never understand. I’m incapable of understanding. I just want to stop feeling pain around his behaviors. I know I shouldn’t take it personally – but dammit…the man I thought I was madly in love with, the man who I thought was my soulmate, betrayed me over and over and over again – while I had taken his children into my home, while I took care of him in every way. How can you not be hurt?
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Healing Heart says:
Nic, I’m sorry your ex S didn’t call about your daughter. That’s so sad. They are so unreliable, and can be counted on to do whatever they want to do in the moment – with no regard for anyone else whatsoever, including children. I am so sad for my ex S’s children. He used them like toys – when he wanted to play with them he would, but he would ditch them in a second if he had an opportunity to have sex with a stranger. These guys (and women) will do exactly what they want whenever they want. Their promises are worth nothing. Their word is worth nothing. My ex S never came through with anything he “promised” to me or his kids. He never came through with anything unselfish. Sometimes it looked like he was being kind or generous, but in hindsight I can see that it was always self-serving. He would never do something for someone else if it was inconvenient for him.
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Stargazer says:
About the lies….I agree with HH. They are so focused on you and how to manipulate you that everything out of their mouth is what they think you want to hear. I remember my ex was visiting and we were having a conversation. He happened to be staring in the direction of the window, which I didn’t even notice. I heard a noise and turned around to look out the window. My ex immediately said “I wasn’t looking at any women!” (!!!!!) My unit faces the pool, so all summer long there are half naked people parading around in viewing distance. It had never even occurred to me that he was looking at them. But those words just came out of his mouth because he thought it’s what I wanted to hear. When he did come to visit me at the pool one day, he made it a point not to even glance in the direction of any other woman. He was so focused on me, it was creepy. I mean, when you’re walking around the pool area, you can’t help noticing people around you. He made it his life work for those few months to be everything he thought I wanted him to be. From the first day we met, he tried to be everything I wanted in a man. He even tried to change a very hard-to-change light bulb in my kitchen. I never asked him to do it, and in fact I had scheduled someone else to come and do it. But he insisted. We had just met that day! He also talked about how he wanted to buy me some new snake cages that were very expensive, again, on the first day we met. After I got over the creepiness factor, I thought I’d met the guy of my dreams.
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henry says:
How many opportunities have these people had in their lives for a good relationship? More than all of us here together. They want what they see in us, until they have it, then they are bored with it. Life is a constant drama filled conquest for them. They leave us for stimulation. They will never settle for one person – that is just too boring for them. Their minds are constantly in drive – looking for the next best thing – always thinking the next one will be the one. I feel like a misfit for wanting something as boring as a monogomous relationship.. What’s wrong with wanting one horney man to spend the rest of what’s left of my life with? Seem’s like it just about the sex with them, performance – they don’t make love – they dont have a clue how to do that. What in the hell is wrong with me? Seem’s like I am the one that is delusional and out of touch with reality. Love is above the waist isn’t it? Sorry bloggers – I went out to the club’s tonite – a total waste of gas…
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Indigoblue says:
Mornin SunShine!
Nope , I did the same thing, offered Him a Life or at least a Home base.
He says, I wish I could do what you do! What I do is relax kickback , enjoy peace!
How are you suposed to enjoy sex if there is no emotional bond there? If it only means something to one person!
Henry did you get my Christmass present to you? I sent a blow up Chris P doll!
~ LOVE JJ
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henry says:
funny I posted the above post then scrolled up – had no idea you all were discussing sex – yeah I love sex – wild to mild – but that can be shared – my X couldn’t make eye contact during sex or he would go limp – so I made it a point not to look him in the eye – he had this disconnected look in his face, like he was in pain – I tried to show him that sex can be a spiritual experience – something special shared between two people in love – there was one big problem tho – he was not in love
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henry says:
no indi I did not get your xmas present – I was hoping you would fall down my chimney -
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Healing Heart says:
Good Morning everybody! I love logging on and seeing what SG, Henry, and Indy wrote since I last posted last night. I read your posts and think “yes, yes, yes.” I’ve said this a thousand times, but its so comforting talking to you guys.
Yes, Indy, how are you supposed to enjoy sex if there’s no emotional bond? It seems to me that it is fundamentally impossible to have really good, passionate, sex with an S. I think that we THINK its good because we have so much desperate longing for this man, and so thrilled that we have his attention, that our nerve endings are on fire, our psyches are in overdrive, and we are so turned on my our own desperation and longing that we think its good sex. But its really just emotions and desperation in overdrive. I thought sex was great with S for a while, until I learned the real truth about it (and that took a while, I had significant denial), but when I allowed myself to really see what he was – I realized the sex was empty, mechanical, and exploitative.
Henry – I think you are dead-on with the “they get bored thing.” My ex S seemed to think I was the most fascinating person, and was riveted by everything I said. (Boy did I eat that up – once I got over the “creepiness” factor, like SG). But then in a few months, it seemed like just being around me was tedious for him. Like I was so horribly boring that it was a drain to be with me. And I found myself working harder and harder to keep him entertained. I would save up funny stories from my day, or collect interesting tidbits of current events or trivia through the day to dazzle him with later. And what would he do for me? NOTHING. I was trying so hard, it makes me angry.
And SG, your pool story is so much like so many stories I have!!!! He would lie to me about things that he didn’t need to – like he was lying defensively all the time. Once he came over (before he moved in with me), and I complimented his shirt. He said “I have no idea who gave this shirt to me.” Obviously it was a gift from a woman. I would have had no idea of this – but he knew it, and lied automatically. Another time he pulled a long hair off of his sweater (I assumed it was mine) and said “I have no idea how this hair got on my sweater.” I never would have thought the hair was anyone’s but mine (until the end when I woke up), but he was always guilty of something (though never feeling guilty), and always lying. He didn’t need to, but it was his M.O.
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justabouthealed says:
Healing Heart:
I did the exact same thing….save up funny stories from my day, in fact I pushed myself to do more exciting things so I’d have better stories!
So sad all the time and energy I wasted on him. …
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Stargazer says:
HH: “I have no idea who gave me this shirt.” “I have no idea how this hair got on me”. ROFLMAO!!!!!! That seriously cracked me up. I can see my ex giving the shirt line to his wife because I bought him a t-shirt from a concert he was supposed to go to with me. That line “I have no idea where this (fill in – shirt, scar, hickey, etc.) came from” probably comes directly out of “Sociopathy 101″.
Yes, I think after the fascination of dating the most popular person on the reptile site wore off, my ex probably got bored with me. He probably had someone else (besides his wife) on the line but still wanted to string me along just in case he was bored. As painful as it was, I can’t imagine if I’d let it continue past the 2-1/2 months where I’d be. My self-esteem is already in the gutter right now.
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Stargazer says:
LIG, HH, pb, et al: I think it is possible to have great sex and chemistry with a person who doesn’t care about you, because your mind fills in all the blanks. “If he can be this great a lover, surely he must love me.” “This must mean something to him”. Some of this depends on our personality type and how we approach relationships. I have 4 planets in Scorpio (including Venus) and have a very deeply sensual/sexual side. I have been attracted to more than my fair share of bad boys and had amazing chemistry with them, only to feel betrayed and abandoned when I don’t hear from them for months. This is my personal hell that I hope to change some day. The irony is that the S seemed so opposite of the guys I usually go for. For me, I don’t need to love a man or have him love me to have great sex. But there must at least be the promise of it. With the S, the sex happened a little too soon. But I allowed it because I believed the intimacy would deepen and our sex life would be incredible. In short, I trusted him to stick around and to be what he said he was. If he had been an honest person, this is exactly what would have happened; the sex would have gotten better and better.
I have had many “promising” affairs that just didn’t pan out. I always wondered why the guy didn’t want to explore intimacy in the same way I did. I always took it personally. Now I realize it has to do with the type of guys I pick. And the lack of self-respect for sleeping with them too soon, if I’m being brutally honest.
I also feel numb right now, sexually and emotionally (I believe those two are tied). I think I have so much anger inside of me over all the betrayals. They seem to pile up, but I never got the lesson. This recent S was like the wake up call. Deal with the abandonment/betrayal issues. They seem everywhere for me right now.
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justabouthealed says:
Well, that may be true, Stargazer, that you need to deal with the abandonment/betrayal issues….it was/is true for me. But we need to remind ourselves that without bad guys, no problem. (Of course now we know there are bad guys so we need to work on those issues).
My husband and I mailed out wedding invitations 2 WEEKS after our first date, were married 5 weeks after the first date. Dumb? Stupid? Risky? Of course!!! But it didn’t turn out to be a disaster…in fact it turned out wonderful, especilaly now, nearly 38 years later, we finally have it TOTALLY right….. becuase HE IS NOT A BAD GUY. Here I am, with my issues, but I’m not getting hurt by him because HE IS NOT A BAD GUY. He is a loving man, kind to everyone including the waitress, and capable of great intimacy.
The real problem is THE BAD GUYS. But we have the ability to respond…responsibility….and we can arm ourselves against the BAD GUYS by dealing with our betrayal bond issues, etc.
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Stargazer says:
Thanks again for the support, j.a.h. Good point. I have had some wonderful guys in my life who would have never abandoned me. I was the one who sent them away.
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lostingrief says:
star: wow! i could have written every single word of your post. none of my ‘relationships’ ever wanted to explore intimacy on any deep level either. i always blamed myself for not being ‘this’ enough or ‘that’ enough. it is about the type of guy we pick.
without the ‘excitement’ of great sex, i always felt empty. the ‘nice’ guys were the ones i dumped. the s/p/n’s were the ones who dumped me and who i couldn’t get enough of.
but this last one did me in for real.
i am numb too, and as i said in an earlier post, i feel dead from the waist down. and i think that is exactly what i need right now, because while my sensual/sexual side is alive in there somewhere, i need to settle in to the emotional (instead of just intellectual) understanding that spiritual excitement, and socially-consc(ience) excitement are equally valid and important. bottom line, stop giving myself over to those men who are one- dimensional … or in the case of our pod-lunatics … non-dimensional!
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lostingrief says:
star: i just pulled your self-esteem out of the gutter, washed it, rinsed it, dried it, folded it nice and neat, and i am now handing it back to you. happy new year.
you, my dear, are an amazing and beautiful child of god. the ‘snake whore’ you were with didn’t deserve you for one second (let alone months).
now, repeat after me: i am full of self love; i am perfect just as i am!
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lostingrief says:
HH: “i found myself working harder and harder to keep him entertained.” amen.
and isn’t that some exhausting shit!!???
i ain’t gonna lie. i miss him a lot sometimes. but the energy i’ve saved in just the last four months could generate power for a small city.
speaking of lying when ya’ don’t have to … check this out.
my ex told me he had found a kitten in the woods behind his house. he said it was meowing … all alone. scared, cold, frightened. he searched for it for 10 minutes and then rescued it. he brought it in to his house and helped his kids wash it and dry it and give it warm milk.
a week later i was in his car and found adoption papers for said kitten. when i asked him what THAT was about, he said he wanted me to think he was a hero.
what a ZERO!
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Healing Heart says:
Yes! That is some exhausting shit!!!!!!! So friggin’ exhausting!!!! I was so exhausted and drained by the time I left him that I felt like I hardly had energy to do anything.
I worried about how friggin’ happy he was all the time, and did everything from talk politics to wearing uncomfortable lacey lingerie with underwire that poked my skin and thongs that rode up my ass…..all to keep his sorry ass entertained. AND HE WAS SUCH A LOSER. What in the hell was I doing putting all my life force into trying to engage this loser??!!
It’s really nice not to be worrying about how he’s doing anymore and to be worrying about myself, instead.
And I miss him too, LG. I hate it that I miss him. But I do. Thankfully its decreased a lot, and continues to decrease with every day of NC.
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Stargazer says:
LIG: HUGS!!! I cannot get over how much you guys are helping me today. the “snake whore” HAHAHAHAHA. I wish I would ever have the opportunity to call him that! I’m glad your lying POS didn’t take your sense of humor away from you. If he did, it certainly came back.
Hey, I just had an idea….since we both feel numb from the waist down, we could pretend we have a head injury and play the army for millions! (This is what my S is doing, pretending he has no feeling from the waist down).
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Stargazer says:
I once had a major crush on the guy who founded my massage school and was one of my teachers there. He was a brilliant and fascinating man, and we had many things in common. I was his best and brightest student, so he definitely took notice. Our admiration was mutual, but we couldn’t date because a) I was his student, and b) I had a boyfriend (the emotionally unavailable man). Long after the bf and I split and I graduated from massage school, I finally met up with the massage teacher. He had some health issues and had sold the school. He didn’t think he had many more years left to live, which didn’t bother me. After so many years of dreaming about him, we finally had a passionate affair, which, I thought was the beginning of a relationship. Instead, he traveled back and forth to his homes in different states and “looked me up” every 3-6 months. I got sick of it pretty quickly and stopped taking his calls. A year went by and I forgot about him. Then he called me out of the blue one day. I was very angry at him, which he listened to and helped me process. He was moving back to Denver permanently and told me he was sorry he had abandoned me and that he had done some work on his abandonment issues in my absence. He wanted to start dating me. He talked about motorcycle rides to the mountains, taking me to dinner, blah blah blah. He swore there hadn’t been any other women in his life, that he was preoccupied with health issues (this could possibly be true). So he came to visit for a few hours. We did not sleep together but immediately felt a sense of closeness and intimacy. The chemistry was unbelievable and not like anything I had ever experienced. I completely expected him to call me soon after. That was a year and a half ago. I have never heard from him since.
To say I’ve had bad luck with men is like saying the Titanic had bad luck with an iceberg.
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lostingrief says:
HH: ROFL …!
that post was SOOOOO funny. it’s amazing what women do to try to entertain men. if they want thongs up yer ass, let ‘em go to a strip club! geezus, who needs that crap!
do you think the reason we miss them is because we think they’re happy? honestly, if i thought that he was miserable and treating his new pregnant gf (AND wife) like crap, i wouldn’t miss him AT ALL!!!
what does that mean?
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sstiles54 says:
Isn’t it strange that we all “seemed” to think the intimacy was great at the beginning, yet it just petered out (pun intended) after a short time? Mine couldn’t get enough of me for the first 6 months we were together, then when he had gotten a job (finally) , & worked in a big box store around bunches of other women, all of a sudden, he was too worn out for sex. He even faked heart problems to get out of it. The rest of the time I wasted on him was like this, hot & cold. I couldn’t even remember the last time we had been together when we split, I think close to a year. We all have so many similarities in our lives, it’s as if we all should be related. Sad way to get to know each other, yet only possible with our shared pain. God has a plan for all of us.
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lostingrief says:
star: ya’ know. i really do think that my equally horrific experiences with men is because i always expect them to have the same sensibilities as women … you know all those amazing qualities that make us more or less superior to them in every way!
maybe we just need to come to terms with the fact that they are very different beings than we are … sort of a sub-species of women!
(sorry henry, and indigo and southernman, et al)… you are all exceptions!
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lostingrief says:
i MUST go for a long walk … it’s 65 degrees out with a great breeze. like an overcast aruba!
later.
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Wini says:
lostingrief: It means you have to work on yourself getting centered in a humble way. Have you read Tolle’s book yet? “A New Earth”? Tolle specifically speaks about the ego … how everyone has one (it’s the human condition). He speaks about the Pain Body and how everyone carrys their pain body from their childhoods around with them. He explains how you can rid yourself of the pain body (what we call, someone pushing our buttons) … he explains how to go silent, go in to the “now” … which is to be humble.
Great read. After you read Tolle … you can go on to Oprah.com … look up her spiritual site … put in Tolle’s name as a search … and listen to his 10 tapes on all ten chapters.
After you do this … you will not care one way or the other what your EX is doing or not doing. I’d like to suggest this book to all our EXs too … but obviously, they aren’t ready yet to become Spiritually Enlightened.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
LIG, I think it’s partly human nature to think the grass is greener. You are looking at it as, “is he happy?” rather than “is he a good person?”. I’m sure Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were in a state of celestial bliss when they were killing and chopping all those people up! I’m sure your ex gets some sort of happiness out of being in control or whatever else in his life feeds his ego. It cannot be true happiness when he’s left a wake of destruction behind him. It’s the worst case of denial. This is what is so painful, isn’t it? That we are left struggling, and they go on their merry way whistling a tune as if nothing ever happened. I hate them.
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Stargazer says:
Well, this has been very therapeutic this morning. Thanks for all of you being my therapist until I can afford a real one. I am going out to buy myself one little piece of clothing. I haven’t bought anything like this for myself in so long.
Peace out,
StarG
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Wini says:
StarG: I don’t know what irked Bundy, but Dahmer killed because he wanted to keep the people he loved with him for ever! That is beyond sad. He apologies to everyone in the court room and he apologized to the family members … he told everyone he didn’t kill for the thrill of killing … and he knew he was sick, he just didn’t know how to stop it. He was abandoned by his parents when they divorced. Both parents assuming the other parent was in touch with Jeffrey. Neither parent realized they had indeed abandoned him … they were too busy licking their own wounds due to their marriage ending.
His life story is the perfect example that humans don’t know everything … why someone does anything. God knows what was in Jeffrey’s heart when he killed the people he loved.
Peace.
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Wini says:
StarG: Good for you … keep the economy flowing!
Peace.
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justabouthealed says:
HH and everyone. Well, i’m glad this is an anonymous site because I’m about to make some very embarrassing confessions. NOT ONLY did I get all new underwear, I worked out, I took self-defense courses and broke my toe kick boxing, I took on an exciting second job where I literally risked my life (so impressive you know, such exciting stories to tell!), I had lazer, I had multiple wax jobs (never again!!!), I straightened my teeth, I took up his hobby, I got new lotions and potions, I bought sex toys and books and tapes and magazines for him, I started drinking for him, I read books that he sent me whether I wanted to or not, I drove hours and hours for him, I bought him expensive gifts, I did new things sexually, once without my permission, I got new clothes, new luggage, new purse, made elaborate surprises for him that were very time consuming (like you would not believe!!!!) , I saved his life once he claims (darn!), (actually I supposedly talked him out of suicide when he was about 18, probably just a show), I lent the mega-millionaire money, I stayed in cheap rooms with him, I got nada for my birthday, I emailed him more than a thousand emails I’m sure, and on and on it goes. When I said he was a second job for me, I was not kidding. Now add in all my therapy bills and all the time that takes…..argghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Healing Heart says:
Damn, Girl! You are one lotioned & potioned, straight-toothed, waxed and lasered, well-read, well-toned, two-job having, kick-boxing ass-kicker! WOW! I hope you did some of those things for you – not just for him. From now on you do that stuff for YOU, not for him, because you deserve it! You deserve to have all the things and be all the things that you did for him. But do them for yourself because you are awesome!!!
He doesn’t deserve you. YOU deserve you. You sound like a firecracker! YOU GO GIRL!!
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Stargazer says:
Justabouthealed,
Now you have my curiosity about your exciting job where you risked your life? I had one of those too. I wonder if it was the same job?
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Stargazer says:
Wini,
You may be right—I don’t know the details of Jeffrey Dahmer’s story or why he claimed to do what he did. But the point I was trying to make (that maybe didn’t come out right) was that “happiness” for a sociopath is all relative. It is not something we can compare our own happiness to.
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Healing Heart says:
Oh – screw the wax jobs. Those suck. As do cheap hotel rooms and cheap sex.
But the good stuff – keep that up! Everything you did that feels good, and not demeaning, DO THAT!! Screw him – he sucks to demand anything of you – but maybe its a good lesson for you to take care of yourself for you sake. Not his.
And again, leave that waxing bullshit behind. Laser is much better. Wax his ass.
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Wini says:
StarG: If you read all the past posts … they are all the same, someone did this or that with other women/other men on the side, their EXs took this or that possession of theirs, their EXs got their names on the deeds to this or that house/condo/vacation home/vehicle/whatever it was … the EXs gave them all lip service, the EXs used the children as a pawn to get their way, the EXs didn’t pay child support, the EX had multiple children with multiple partners … nothing I did mattered to the EX … I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, handsome enough … sexual enough … I wasn’t, I wasn’t, I wasn’t …
Enough of all the human illusions … all the EXs live in their Big EGOs. Period. They can win a zillion dollars and complain about the taxes they will need to pay … then they won’t pay it … and complain how the IRS is after them …. NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING that comes from their big EGOS will ever make them happy … oh, for a split second it will/does … but how many seconds in a life time is there? More than a split second. Therefore, all our EXs are miserable. Period … and then will be miserable until they learn how to become humble again and believe in God.
Peace.
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justabouthealed says:
HH….you made me laugh out loud! Several times! Thank you!
At first I could not enjoy the improvements I made, because they were for HIM. My therapist worked to get me over that. I guess I still struggle with that a bit.
Stargazer….I’m so afraid of saying something that will reveal my identity to people that know the real me, because I always recommend this site, but don’t want my real-life friends to know all the details of my ordeal…but I worked to capture bad guys, interacting with them in setups (nothing to do with sex!!!), who hurt innocents. And you?
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justabouthealed says:
HH….I think your therapist hat is showing. That is a good way to think of it…I did need a lesson about taking care of myself. In so many ways, in so many areas. That is a good label to put on this whole thing…..LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Including innoculating me from ever getting involved with another BAD MAN.
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justabouthealed says:
Ps I did drop that line of work. I decided even if it was to capture bad guys….and we did….I didn’t like practicing deceiving even a horrible guy. That is not a skill I want to refine…and I think I developed it living with a psychological abuser as a child, where I had to mold myself to be what they wanted. I felt I was practicing the bad skill of molding myself to get someone’s trust to the point that they would admit what they were doing. Plus the psychiatrist said I should be careful about deliberating exposing myself to more trauma, and I was having to do that, and then I had to try to get the scenes out of my mind…not good…while remembering enough to testify if needed. But I had exciting stories to impress my guy!! YUCKO!!!!!
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Stargazer says:
Okay, speaking of exposing oneself to more trauma, the covert sexual abuse in my family apparently wasn’t enough for me. In my mid-thirties I became a private exotic dancer. I used to go to strange guys’ homes in the middle of the night and dance for them. That was my dangerous job. Had I known about sociopaths back then, I would have never done it. I thought psychos were one in a million. Fortunately for me, I never had any major problems. I got in, got enough money to get financially stable, and got out. I really feel as if a higher power was watching over me.
I can see how your job would have been traumatizing, too, j.a.h. Just being around the dregs of society for so many hours a day, you cannot help be affected by it. It took me several weeks to detox from my job, and I only did it very part time.
Good thing this site is anonymous.
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Stargazer says:
Learning to manipulate my clients was also a big part of my job. I had to pretend I liked them and found them attractive, and to some extent, be what they wanted me to be for an hour, i.e., give them their fantasy. This was my foray into sociopathy. It changed my personality and my real feelings went underground.
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Wini says:
StarG: Yes, that’s called exercising your EGO. Same with our EXs … it’s all role playing … and not being real, therefore, not being true to yourself, not listening to your inner voice. You can make excuses for years … until … well until you’ve had enough.
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justabouthealed says:
SG- I was just one big act sexually with the P. The book (sorry I always refer to books!) Women Who Love too Much describes a woman who could be a wild woman with other men, but when it came time to be with the guy she actually fell in love with and who loved her and could handle true intimacy, she was the one who was holding back. That is me with my husband. I’m so SHY with him! It is ridiculous, after all these years! But it is because I’m REAL with him, no play acting. I am getting closer to being able to come out of my shell with him…but what a contrast with my playacting self! It does help me today to know I was never able to be real with the P, especially sexually. I think that is a good thing. And now I know if I’m not able to be real around someone, that is a sign I’m in the presence of a controller.
I’m also a very good speech giver, even a couple of thousand people doesn’t’ phase me, I’m able to just get out there and reach people. But one on one….I’m back to shy unless I force myself, because then there is no acting. Speech making is a bit of an act. I also try to avoid that now days too….I just want to be 1000% real….and when I do have to give a speech, I’m much less of a ham than I used to be.
SG–being around the bad guys was part time for me too, a week at a time, here or there. And it would all hit me about 4 days after I’m home and I would just collapse and cry and have the worse time getting the images out of my head.
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justabouthealed says:
LOL…I didn’t meant to sound like I always give speeches to thousands! I did aobut 3000 once a LONG time ago, now it is just a couple hundred or less for my job, and I’m going to have to stop referring people I know to this site because I’m identifying myslf to people who know me I think! ARGGGhh.
And I am too addicted to this and am not doing my job, so signing off for awhile, I really am this time!
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Healing Heart says:
Me too, as I need to work! – this has been a great day for commiserating and laughing with you guys. It’s hard to stay away as it feels like the most meaningful and connected thing I do at times. And for some reason, today has been especially good for me.
You guys are awesome – I’m so glad to know you and have you share with me.
I’m going to try to do some work, too!
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Stargazer says:
You guys have helped me so much today. I went out and did my part for the economy today. It should be flowing for quite a while after my little clothing shopping spree. I am truly dangerous with a credit card and should never be trusted with one. Oh well! The most useful thing I bought was one of those one piece body slimmer girdle/bra thingies that makes you look thinner under your clothes. I burned a hole in my old one a few weeks ago when I accidentally set it on a candle flame (I’m pretty special I know.) This was the same day I also set my hair on fire in another candle flame. Anyway, maybe pretty soon we’ll find out justabouthealed is somebody famous!
Justabouthealed, I’d rather have a real relationship and take my time with sex any day than a wild passionate fling with some bad boy that you don’t know if he’s gonna call the next day. I think it’s awesome that you are able to have such a strong relationship with your husband, especially as a result of your ordeal. If this is not making lemonade out of lemons, I don’t know what is.
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Stargazer says:
I’m signing off now for the best part of the shopping spree–getting to try on all my new clothes and match them up with the rest of my clothes (of which I have very many). I also get to see if the mirrors in the clothing stores are the kind that make you look 10 pounds thinner. If they are, the clothes are going right back!
Peace out homeys,
StarG
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justabouthealed says:
Yeah right, famous. Glad you think I sound like something other than dirt. The P sure didn’t think much of me! I’m famous in a tiny, tiny pond, and it’s just my job. Take that away and I’m not even a ripple in the pond either!
But my job is vital and I hope and pray that I’ve gotten enough closure today to sign off until next Saturday. If you see me on here before then, kick me off!
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Rosa says:
At the time, I was aware of everything that is mentioned in the above article, AND I STILL WENT BACK FOR MORE!!!
For me, it was more like a drug addiction. My obsession with my S boyfriend took on a physical manifestation. I literally ached at times.
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