Humans are lousy lie detectors
PDF An article in last week’s New York Times magazine contained the following amazing statement: “Repeating a claim, even if only to refute it, increases its apparent truthfulness.”
Although the article had nothing to do with sociopaths, the statement made me think of my ex-husband, James Montgomery. Among his many lies, Montgomery claimed to be a member of the Australian military, a decorated Vietnam War hero, and a member of the Special Forces. None of this was true, but from what I can tell, he’d been making the claims since at least 1980 (we met in 1996). They’d been repeated many times, for many years—which apparently enhanced their believability.
Like most of us here on Lovefraud, I felt like a complete fool for being so totally deceived. Why couldn’t I see the lies? But it turns out that I have plenty of company. Psychological research indicates that in general, people can distinguish truths from lies only about 53 percent of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.
No signs of lying
Some people believe that there are physiological signals that someone is lying—for example, extraneous hand gestures or averting eye contact.
In one study, scientists asked more than 2,000 people from all over the world, “How can you tell when people are lying?” The number one answer was the same: “Liars avert their gaze.”
This may be true for some people, but it is not true all the time, and probably not true at all with sociopaths. Here at Lovefraud, we all have stories of the predator gazing into our eyes while he or she lied through his teeth.
Some researchers believe that liars tend to move their arms, hands and fingers less, blink less, and have more tension in their voices. Still, these behaviors are not consistent—some people who lie display them, and others don’t.
The point is, in hundreds of studies, researchers have found no reliable signal that indicates when someone is lying.
I don’t know, but I assume that the studies were done on general populations, and not populations of sociopaths. If we can’t detect lying in normal people, what chance do we have with sociopaths?
Truth About Deception
The situation gets even worse in romantic relationships. The reason, quite simply, is that we want to believe and trust our romantic partners.
“As people become more intimate and more emotionally involved they also become less accurate at detecting their partner’s deception,” states the website Truth About Deception. “People are too willing to give their romantic partners the benefit of the doubt.”
The Truth about Deception website is dedicated to explaining lies in romantic relationships, and the information presented is scary. For example, it states, “Most people think they are really good at telling when their partner is lying, but research shows that thinking you are good at detecting deception does not make it so.”
This creates, according to the website, a dangerous situation:
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As intimacy increases:
- People’s confidence at detecting deception increases
- People’s actual ability to detect deception declines
- Partners have more reason to lie
The website suggests that the only real way of determining if a romantic partner is lying is through some type of monitoring or surveillance.
Awareness, intuition, evaluation
So what’s the answer? How do we know when someone is lying?
The first step is to realize that people do, in fact, lie. That’s how honest, trustworthy people get into trouble—we don’t lie, so we don’t expect people to lie to us. This is a dangerous blind spot.
Our initial clue that someone is lying will probably come from our intuition. If we get that hit, that inkling, that the truth is not being told, we need to pay attention.
Then, we need to critically evaluate what is being said, along with evidence that proves or disproves the statements. When facts are irrefutable, we should believe the facts, and not the pleas of the liar.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Rune says:
Witsend: I’m thinking of you, and hope you will check in. No matter what is going on with you, you have my heartfelt concern. You are dealing with issues that have no easy solutions. I know you are trying to do the very best. I hope you are safe.
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Tilly says:
Thankyou Rosa and James! You made my day today! xoxoxoxoxox
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James says:
You are welcome Tilly and hope you have a great day!
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Zen says:
I just came across this from the Scientific American: The Science of Persuasion. Unfortunately one has to be a member or has to purchase the article or have an institutional site license. Wondering if the article would give some insight on how we are manipulated?
http://www.scientificamerican......persuasion
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robxsykobabe says:
Hi everyone…its been a few days and Im needing some pep talks…
So, I need to confess again. I looked him up on facebook…(repremanding myself in my head right now…). Fine, Ive confessed. It was a half bad/half good choice.
Two things I noticed. First, his profile was open which struck me as odd considering the last time I ‘checked’ it…about 13 weeks ago, it had minimal information on it. That was fine, however, his profile this time had pictures up. Only a couple folders…one from Christmas and one random folder with some random pictures of himself in it (pictures though taken at MY families Christmas or on OUR vacations). One picture he posted in his folder was of him, his son, and his sons mother. Now, this may not sound so strange except for the fact that one other time during a breakup, he had NO pictures up, and strangely enough during the breakup a picture pops up of his ‘family’ (child, him, childs mother). We got back together and he took the picture down.
I thought, ‘he tried provoking me with that picture’, however, I didnt even address it. So, after no contact for 15 weeks, he puts up another picture of his ‘family’ on an OPEN site, where of course I can see it. I dont know if Im being nuts right now or what…maybe just a little hyper sensative, but it seems as though he may be trying to provoke me again…and he SAID the two of them dont really like each other…oh, wait, he IS a liar. The Christmas picture looks forced and uncomfortable, but why post it if they only have the child in common?
Second, in the pictures he posted of Christmas that I saw, I felt something while looking. It was kinda a combination feeling of extreme anxiety, like when you’re getting ready to confront someone and you know it could be ugly, and disgust. The anxiety is exactly that…I havent seen him in 4 months and throug a photo I did.
The disgust though was different. In the pictures, it was like I saw two versions of the same person at the same time. One part of me saw an amazingly handsome, tall, fun person who I absolutely adore, but the other, stronger side saw a sick person…as if he had welts on his face that were oozing puss. I saw someone CRAZY and tried fighting what I was seeing by remembering how I love (d) him, although what was in front of me was very very very SCARY. Its taken me a day to absorb this and be able to articulate it, however, I will tell you that as I looked at one picture in particular, it was like I SAW the fakeness of his smile and could almost HEAR how he interacted with everyone on Christmas…I heard the fake talk, and laugh, and saw the fake smile and charm in the picture…
Have I lost my mind at this point or does this make sense to anyone?
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Sarah999 says:
I think the best way to tell if someone is lying is by past behavior.
If they have lied to you once (or to someone else), they WILL lie to you again.
If you are not sure . . and it doesn’t FEEL right. It is probably a lie!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
robxsykobabe – what you’ve have experienced makes complete sense.
I see your ‘disgust’ as having 2 components: first, you have integrated his negative behaviors into your view of him and they are now forefront in your perception of him; and second, you are no longer blind to what he is, and so can ‘see’ this in the photographs.
we tend to project what we want to see and/or selectively see the qualities of those we love that most support our perception of them. this has all shifted for you now.
this is very good news indeed, robxsykobabe.
you know how hard we all fight to get to the point of a little bit of forgetting how much we loved them? savor it.
i am sorry though, that it scared you. I think that for some of us, when we recognize what demons they are, we become extra afraid of them – not just of what they have done or are capable of, but because we realize that those things have come form a vaster pool of evil than we had imagined.
So, please don’t stay scared, k? Work with/ through it; I don’t want this person to have any more of your precious energy or more real estate in your head or psyche.
hugs,
one step
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learnthelesson says:
robxsykobabe -
Many of us have confessed to doing the profile peek, or the driveby, or the call and listen to messages, etc….
The first thing that happens when we confess is we receive understanding and the second thing is we get tapped with a “Boink” on our head with Oxy’s skillet!
The third thing we try to figure out is how beneficial doing what we did – actually turned out to be for us? It sounds like it was 50/50 for you. The good part is you actually saw his pictures and you were able to see the side of him you probably didnt want to face or grasp or be realistic about. So that was progress.
What wasnt so good, was the ruminating about why he is posting pictures, what his intentions were. If you didnt look or never look again there is no way he can try to provoke you. Its a done deal. He can post away but you need to be on your way and working toward focusing on ALL the reasons you left him. NC means no nothing. You dont need a toxic person in back in your life or in your computer on in your phone etc.
You are not going crazy or losing your mind… you just had a minor set back and are here to get back on track with your little “boink”…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ltl – funny, i see it as a step forward in the long term.
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learnthelesson says:
one step –
I see it as 50/50…
A step forward in that she actually saw his pictures and was able to identify with the side of him she probably was unable to in the past…So I did say I agree that was progress.
But in the short term -it sometimes can cause a minor set back – in that its breaking NC, and allowing all of the thoughts and chaos and confusion as to why he did this or that, or what the significance might be to why the page is public now, or why new pictures are posted…and in the short time we can sometimes revert back to an unheathy place if we dont process it all and find strength to move on, move forward… sometimes it actually makes us a bit weaker – its human nature tho – so we just REALLY have to make sure we get back on track.
And actually I just reread Robxskobabes post where she said it was a half bad/half good choice! I didnt catch that at first…when I wrote 50/50… I think in long term its a step in the right direction too but only if we keep it NC on any level going forward!
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robxsykobabe says:
So first of all…thank you everyone AGAIN! I feel sometimes like this is the place that saves my ass from obsessing ALLLLLL the time…things get put into perspective here
Sometimes I dont trust my own instincts because I DO sometimes exaggerate or blow things out of proportion…issues always seem bigger to ourselves when emotions are involved…
So, that being said…is it safe to believe or think that he may be, in fact, passively trying to provoke me with the ‘family’ picture-considering his profile is open now? Something else comes to mind…he had ‘friended’ his ex girlfriends…you know the two that he LOVED in his life when we broke up a while ago…when he and I began seeing each other again, he ‘unfriended’ them saying “I didnt think it would be appropriate to have them as friends” as if he were doing ME a favor! It seems as though he has done these passive things to get a reaction from me…now and then…hmmmmmmmm
Im sometimes embarassed by the lack of self confidence in myself knowing what I think I know…as I have always been very confident…anyone, anyone? Help is appreciated!
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learnthelesson says:
Robxsykobabe -
Its safest to not think or believe anything about him. Try telling me that at any point until recently and I would sneer my nose at you! But the truth is answering any of these hypothetical questions doesnt really help/or benefit us in the long run with the healing process.
We have to try not to get caught up again in what he is doing and why. We have to remember 99 percent of what he does is deceitful and game playing. Adding ex’s to profile, removing them like pawns…pretending to be one way and then being another when a relationship ends… and if he is doing these things to get a reaction from you — that just shows how immature and ridiculous he is — right??? Even if he were – knowing that doesnt benefit you -because all he would want is a “reaction” just to chalk one up for the boys — he got a reaction… DONT GO THERE!!!
Im not sure what you mean by lack of selfconfidence with this?? I dont see you lacking self confidence – I just see you wondering who the heck he is and wtf hes up to…???
The answer is – he is no different – he is still the same – he wont change.
Toxic – selfish – immature..
Self-trust and self-love and self-belief is what you need to strengthen!
Remember why you left him – and care not who is in his web of lies and deceit right now… his poor child… huh! Hang in there — more time with NC again and more processing the truth and reality will get you back on track — the reality of the fake talk, the fake smile, the fake profile, the fake person that he is! xo LTL
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robxsykobabe says:
LTL:
So much sense! Thank you…omg! Yeah, its game playing…and thats what I thought, however, I AM lacking a bit in the self trust area (self confidence may have been the wrong word to use)…the ability to trust that what I know to be happening IS indeed happening…
I AM wondering who the hell he is and I seem to be a little on edge with whats gonna happen next…like when he gets his license back (possibly) next month…its strange how I feel.
If I could send everyone, including you, an envelope with a gigantic hug in it, I would as you all have been SO unbelieveably helpful…Im healing faster than I thought…because of LF!
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learnthelesson says:
Robxsykobabe -
Its all such a process…you really can do no wrong… you really just have to be yourself and what I did was what you are doing … questioning, sharing, being brutally honest about your journey and where you are!
I agree you are doing an EXCELLENT job…. set backs happen and as one-step pointed out sometimes we actually grow even more from our setbacks- it just sucks having to go through them and get back to the other side.
Try to focus on the fact he did show you who he really is. Sometimes we just wonder about the fact that the real him is a bad/toxic person and we waiver on it. Trust yourself that he is who he showed you he was. and on top of that you learned he, his ways, his choices are not healthy for you and he doesnt have your BEST interest in mind!
Im really glad you got the feeling you did when you looked at his pictures — our instinct is usually spot on — it was telling you to grasp that he really isnt a good guy for you -and that you ARE doing the right thing by going NC and healing and learning who you are and what you deserve going forward with others… there will be others.. when youre ready… Way to go girl! ((HUGS RIGHT BACK ATCHYA)))
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Rosie says:
learnthelesson you said
Try to focus on the fact he did show you who he really is. Sometimes we just wonder about the fact that the real him is a bad/toxic person and we waiver on it. Trust yourself that he is who he showed you he was. and on top of that you learned he, his ways, his choices are not healthy for you and he doesnt have your BEST interest in mind!
…this is why I come on here when I’m down and weak..so I might find the very words I need to get me over a bump.
Thanks matey
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robxsykobabe says:
LTL:
I do need to remember that he showed me who he is right from the beginning of ‘us’, however, he sugar coated like no ones business. I was thinking about this the other day…
I was like an outside observer looking in after he got arrested on my family vacation. It was at that point, that he was made to make a decision as to who/what he was going to show my family and myself-he was busting at the seams and had to hold himself ‘together’. He chose, while sitting in the cell and being angry with ME for not ‘bailing him out sooner’ to be who he always was…a loser, liar, manipulator, con man. It was at that time, when he was going to HAVE to face his ‘secrets’ that he needed to decide the path of truthfulness or untruth. He, like every other time, chose the path of deceit.
I saw this and with each court date he had, his story got more and more convoluted although he kept up the lies.
So, is this a game he’s attempting to engage me in? I think so. He does work from the perspective of getting a ‘rise’ out of me…for however futle his attemps may be. Would he be so bold as to post things about me to ACTIVELY look like he’s provoking me? Hell no! He’s passive and so the picture posting, and friending ex’s, and opening his profile a little, and erasing his ‘status’ (single, in a relationship, etc) so I cant see it…yeah, they’re all attempts at sending my mind spinning.
Spinning? Not so much. Processing? Yes. I haven’t lost sleep over this, that’s for sure…and although he will always be a jackass, I will NOT always be off balance.
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learnthelesson says:
Rosie -
I do and did the same.. with 100% certainty, I got over the worst bumps in my path with the help and insight and caring ways of the LF contributors. With our willingness to believe in ourselves as well as share and learn and grow here …we cant go wrong ! Glad youre here Rosie!
Robxsykobabe (your name is so hard for me to master without typos
)
Might have to abbreviate it to Rbabe! 
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So funny – it just causes me to check it and recheck my spelling
NOW YOURE TALKING RIGHT ON TRACK – HE WILL ALWAYS BE A JACKASS AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO NEVER LET HIM SET YOU OFF BALANCE EVER AGAIN! Youre right..its a process!!
Spinning class will be the most spinning Ill be doing too! Great Post above!
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robxsykobabe says:
LTL:
Funny you should say that about spinning class…IM A SPIN INSTRUCTOR!!! Hence, the name…robxsykobabe (aerobics=Im a group fitness/spin instructor psycho=Im a therapist babe=uhhh, what do you think
)
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learnthelesson says:
Rbabe –
Too funny – I remember you sharing the aerobics part…and that you werent ” Rob’s ex psycho babe” — but its sometimes easier for me to type it out as such !!
So cool youre a spin instructor! So cool!!!! And a therapist and a babe!!!! = A balanced woman, who wont ever let another throw her off course again — instead look for like-minded ones – whose actions are what show you their intent and ability to love and be loved!
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knowledgeempowers says:
I am tracking my xP, in terms of his online status. As long as I know he is online, playing his game, I know hes not on his way to me : )
Being in no contact has helped so much, still think about all of it daily, still processing all the lies and deceit. But at least I know hes not on his way to destroy me and my life.
I feel justified in this. Besides, the things I see in tracking, like him with other women, just reinforces all his lies and deceit for me, makes it easier for me to move on and stay in no contact and also gives me a good laugh knowing hes really a big fat loser who will never get on with his life or with anyone.
The best knowledge is knowing hes incapable of love. You know why that sits so well with me? Because love is the greatest feeling in the world and he will NEVER really experience it. That is not something I would wish on anyone, but it seems very appropriate for him since he hurts everyone that comes in contact with him.
I know it probably sounds sick but someone I have justified it in my own mind.
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Aeylah says:
robxsykobabe…Rbabe:
Reading through the posts and came across yours on sneaking a peek on facebook and “friends” of his, and on your perceptions of him trying to send you messages. Boy did this strike a chord!
I do belive he is. The S in my life did this all the time….even when we were still “togehter”. I would look at his wall and see how many new “friends” he had and there were allways women comming out of the woodwork! not to mention ex lovers that all of a suden were “friends” again. He gets more “hearts” than hallmark has cards, and his responce to my questioning them were always “they’re from my cousins”! oh but of course they would be because he had 20 of them, one being A KISSING COUSIN HE HAD AN INSESSTUOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH while with me!!!!!!! that I discovered later. This was one of the ways I knew he was still lying and cheating on me.
Now fast forward to today…..I’ve been in NC for 4 weeks, but just monday I took a peek at his page against my better judgement and also discovered that he has opened it for viewing and posted photos of himself from trips we did together, purposly announced that he had sent “a very special heart”, received a “heart at it together” along with posting aknowledgements of how “special in his life his revived ex lover now new GF” is! and worst…..She the new GF (ex-lover)….changed the picture on her profile to one of herself with his house in the backgrownd….a bad one that I instantly took to be a clear message to me sayiing “I got him now” ! did I mention that he dumped her last time to come back to me? and she was devastated?
…….So, I confess…I was really baaaad to go looking for pain, and yes, I do believe that all the changes and recent posts were a message for me. But I will look no more since this is only another form of contact and too much like picking at a raw scab.
Knowing that the handsome lovable man I see in some of those picture is really an evil, cruel, exploitive man that I saw so many times with that fake smile and the empty eyes….is consolation because I know that the new ex-GF is getting all his attention now leaving me free to heal.
no more peeking!…..lol
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OxDrover says:
Dear Aeylah,
I think that is a good choice, NO PEEK! Cause when you peek, you at least think about him and are renting him “space” in your head! Since it isn’t an issue of safety to “keep up” with him, I think NO PEEK is the best option! TOWANDA!!!! (((hugs)))
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