I called it textland vs the realworld…. I once was so damn tired of it that when he sent a text I returned it with this “Return to sender….Verizon Msg. 4572…Receiver activated blocking service…following message undeliverable…”HIS ORIGINAL TEXT”

Creative, huh…. well he bought into it at first and I had peace for a while and then he must have called verizon to find out that wasnt possible..and texted…Good one, almost got me! Of course by then I wrote LOL….and the saga went on and on and on….. til I got the courage to stop responding and stop trying so damn hard to change a the wiring of another.

They just fundamentally dont know how to be in long term relationships..Its a lack of so much in interpersonal skills, and self-discipline and compassion and empathy and understanding and a willingness to learn and grow from within…. they get the selfish part and they get the protect themselves at all costs part…but they dont get the basics in loving themselves with respect and trust, letting alone loving others with respect and trust as well as being honest and open and vulnerable. They just are missing core, key elements in commitments to themselves and others… they live by their own rules…in their own world. Jump on board or jump overboard….. if you jump overboard…and they throw you the lifepreserver — pass — and swim to shore youself! Sociofree!!!

(Report abusive comment)

“Oh red flags, how brightly you do shine in rear view mirrors”

Think Francis Scott Key was talking about a socipath when he wrote the “Star Spangled Banner” (“Oh, the banner yet waved…”)?

I, too, became noncompliant. The first time he broke up by text, I should have given him the heave-ho. Texting and emails are such a ball-less, weasely way of communicating. Hide while you do your dirty work.

After 15 months of S and his busy little fingers on the key board, I now have the policy. No texts. No emails. If you have something substantive to say to me — you say it in person or on the phone. Caso cerrado.

(Report abusive comment)

Just like what happened to me. I closed in on my ex too, I became non compliant you see, I asked him where the hell we were going and essentially gave him an ultimatum because I was dreadfully unhappy, my life was at a standstill and I wasn’t prepared to live that way anymore.
He retaliated in the only way he knew how – like a coward, ended us by text, never wanted to see me again, knowing full well that the silent treatment hurts me more than anything because I am such a big communicator. So not only did he choose to jump ship he stuck the knife in too.
I have no answers Bev’ other than they are cowards and that their cruelty to us says everything about them and was not our fault. All we have to do is work on believing that, something I’m trying to do at the moment.
Hugs xxx

(Report abusive comment)

QUOTE FROM ALOHA TRAVELLER: “asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks!”

Ditto – my ex did the same thing.
Oh red flags, how brightly you do shine in rear view mirrors…… xxx

(Report abusive comment)

I still feel hurt and angry (at him and at myself). Will this end and what will come next? I don’t think forgiveness since he wouldn’t ask for it because he won’t see what he did as wrong. I am sure that there were many others before me who have been equally duped.

Oxdrover: I dread telling my children what has happened to my savings. This was money that should have gone to them eventually. Now all I have are empty promises and credit card debt.

I liked what you wrote about not feeling shame. These S (conmen) should be the ones to feel shame. Of course, since they are without a conscience that will not happen.

(Report abusive comment)

I don’t know what state you live in, but wages are garnished for child support because it is proven conclusively that person is the father of the child. If there is any doubt as to paternity, the court typically will not order it without conclusive proof. Your guy’s been through DNA testing. He is the father. The law doesn’t “slip up” against innocents like that. Sorry to be the one to break it to you. I had to tell my mother last night where all the money went. I cried and cried and apologized for being a stupid daughter to her. I want her to know that whatever she and my dad left in trust for me, including our land and commercial farm, will be kept safe from predators like my ex. But how can I do that when I have made such a bad decision?

Oxdrover –

Part of me DOES feel shame! I think it’s because had you asked me before, “How is it possible to con a person out of this much time, money and energy?” I would have told you, “Well, you’d have to have a pretty stupid woman!” Your garden variety society doesn’t understand how subversive these men are, how they winnow their way in and make it impossible to say “no” to them. Also, he is well known. His “fans” would never believe that someone capable of writing all of those beautiful love songs could possibly do anything wrong — to them, he can do no wrong just because he’s famous, and that’s that! If I told anyone or came forward, I would be the one who was blasted apart, even though there’s piles of evidence (e.g., other women and their stories) to corroborate. To them, we’d just be a bunch of bitter hags. That’s why I’ve remained quiet thus far. Plus, I think that once it’s revealed that he’s bilking the U.S. government, people will see what a huge sham he is. It’s going to take a while, but they’ll get him in the end. I intend to give them as much information as I can for them to make sure that he’s accountable for each penny he earned.

(Report abusive comment)

The SHAME WE FEEL for having been conned is, I think, part of their “ammunition” to keep us quiet–

WHY should WE feel “shame” (that there is a defect in US) when it is them that has the defect of using and abusing and conning others? We may have been conned, but we didn’t do the CONNING. We didn’t commit the immoral/illegal act, THEY did? Yet, we assume the shame/blame for being lied to and believing the lie.

My enabling mother believed (i guess) the same lies that I believed for a while, yet SHE doesn’t feel ASHAMED for being conned, in fact, she thinks it excuses all her hateful acts toward ME, because she was conned and believed their lies and treated me poorly, so it is not HER “fault” but theirs.

Of course they believe that it is all MY fault for them going to jail because if I hadn’t persecuted them it wouldn’t have been “necessary” for them to steal and attempt to murder my son C–so, yes, as my DIL wrote to her daughter after her arrest “Remember, never forget, that OX is a nasty piece of work.” SHE WAS IN JAIL for felony charges and I AM A NASTY PIECE OF WORK? She stole from my mother, tried to kill my son, but it was okay because (as she said) “I did some things wrong, but I WASN’T THE ONLY ONE.”

My x-DIL FELT NO SHAME– yet she is the one who did the crimes. WHY should I be ashamed and lie to my family and friends to cover up my SHAME? I refuse to do it. Sure, I felt it too, but NO MORE–STOP!!!!!! I will not DO IT!

I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did not lie, I did not steal, I did not try to kill anyone. I did not cheat on my husband. Sure, I tried to do the impossible, protect my mother from herself and the Ps. Keep them from stealing from her. I went half way crazy thinking I could protect her from their influence when she didn’t want to be protected from THEM, she wanted to be protected from my influence, my interfeirence and my “control’–I became an ENABLER, just like her. I tried to do something that she was responsible for, taking care of herself. But feeling strongly that she was being drugged (and I still think that) I felt RESPONSIBLE for her predicament.

Shame is a feeling of being defective, and wanting to hide that defect from others. WE compare what we ARE vs. what we SHOULD BE. and the message is “I should have XYZ, and I didn’t so, therefore I must be defective.” That “tape” in our heads is WRONG, and by recognizing that WE should not be ashamed of ourselves I think we can stop that feeling.

It takes WORK on our part to say to ourselves, “I am a caring and kind person, and I loaned/gave John money because I (felt sorry for____ or fill in the blank reason here) him. HE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME, and my kindness to get money from me. I made a mistake, but HE IS DEFECTIVE to turn a kindness into a con job. I AM NOT DEFECTIVE, HE IS.”

I felt ashamed that MY SON not a “success” and yet I didn’t blame myself for his actions, nevertheless, I felt SHAME that my son was a criminal and in prison. HE is the one who should feel shame, not me. Of course he has NO shame, but he is the DEFECTIVE one, not me. I wasn’t a perfect parent, no one is, but everyone who knew me thought that I did the best job that I could do, I cared, and I INVESTED MYSELF and my energies into giving my kids a good home and a moral education. He didn’t follow my modeling to become a thief, or a murderer, he didn’t follow my modeling to abuse his friends and my friends, and his family. He didn’t follow my model to brag about how heinous his crime was, worse than the police even knew.

I modeled responsible behavior, truthfulness, respect for others’ feelings, hard work, education , family values, and love for my kids…inperfectly, allbeit, but as well as I could. Sometimes I am sure I was too harsh on them, and other times too lenient, but they were never abused, or allowed to run wild, or blame someone or something else for their bad behavior.

Knowing all these fact, I still felt shame, even though not blame, but the SAME was a FEELING, and I had to work hard to over come this feeling, and I think in the most part I have. I no longer give evasive answers to people who ask where my kids live (if they know about Patrick, I don’t volunteer information) but I no longer lie and say “He lives in Texas and works for the State of TExas” which is technically correct, he is incarcerated in Texas and they make the inmates work, so technically he WORKS for the state of Texas. LOL

If someone asks about Patrick I tell them, he’s incarcerated for life,, he took the wrong path and chose to be a criminal. It broke our hearts, but we have lived through the grief and go on with our lives.

I know there are people who will “automatically” believe I must have been a bad parent if my kid ended up in prison, but it doesn’t matter any more what people think. I am not ashamed for me. Sad that my son took that course, but I did all I could to prevent it. I’m not “proud” like I wish I could have been at “my son the doctor” (or whatever his chosen professon was) I AM proud of the GOOD man who is his brother, and I AM PROUD of my adoptive son, and I AM proud of a lot of things, but I will not be ashamed any more.

(Report abusive comment)

I have been asked by my children why I am working a second job and I too have made up excuses. It will be very difficult telling them what a fool their mother has been.

I have a lot of credit card debt and also have car payments on a car that I will have trouble selling for what I paid for it.

All their reasons for the money seemed plausible at the time. I felt so sorry for him having to pay child support for a child that wasn’t even his. Now I wonder if that is even the reason that his wages are garnished.

(Report abusive comment)

Yes, your therapist is right, you must FEEL the anger, not suppress it. You can’t get rid of anger by suppressing it, it is still there. However, as you heal, the anger will go away, the bitterness will go away, but you have to work at it.

I liken it to a big pile of dog poo in the middle of the living room floor. If you pretend it is not there, (suppress it) and say, lay a piece of carpet over it, it will STILL STINK–it is still there but you can’t see it is all.

However, if you acknowledge it is there, that it stinks and it is a mess, and clean up the dog poo, shampoo the carpet under it, and go on with your life, it is GONE.

It is failure to acknowledge that the anger is there that is a problem.

Unfortunately for me, not only did I suppress the anger, I didn’t even make an attempt to house break the dog and it continually crapped in the floor and I just laid another piece of carpet over it until the pile got so high I couldn’t get into the room! LOL What an awful analogy but I am sorry to say it is a true one!

When I taught others grief resolution I reminded them that the anger you feel at your deceased loved one is NORMAL AND NATURAL and that you should not say to yourself “well, he didn’t mean to die and leave me here with 5 kids and no job” (which is logical and rational) but the anger you FEEL is an emotion, a FEELING, and it doesn’t have to be rational. But you MUST feel it, go through it, you can’t go around, or over, or under it but must go THROUGH it and feel that feeling. That is a natural and normal part of the grief resolution that leads to acceptance.

People who DWELL on the anger and bitterness and don’t get past it, though, are not successful in dealing with it either.

There is an old Cherokee story about a man who said that “inside each of us are two wolves, a bad one and a good one and they are always fighting.” His son asked him “which wolf wins father?” and the father replied, “The one you feed the most.”

I have felt such intense anger at my mother for what she did to me, in enabling my P son, in the disrespect she showed me, and in many things about our relationship, and I have felt such intense anger at my P-son for the things he has done to our family in his greed and hate for us all. My anger was “justified” by everything that they did, but the “wrath” which is closely held, nurtured bitter anger that could have flown from that JUSTIFIABLE ANGER would only have caused pain and ugliness in me.

I acknowledged my anger, and that it was JUST anger, I went through the anger, felt the pain of it, and the fact that I was powerless to undo what they had done, to change the past, but at the same time, I did not “feed that wolf” with thoughts of revenge, bitter thoughts, I stopped myself from going into the “wrath” that is destructive to ME.

The Bible says “be angry and sin not” and it also says “let not the sun go down upon your wrath”—wrath is not the same as “anger”–but a much more intense, hateful emotion along with a desire for vengeance and retribution, that causes you to FOCUS upon those bad feelings, not just be “angry.”

Let’s say you stole something from me, and I am “justifiably angry” at you—but then because I am angry, all I can focus on is the fact that you stole something precious to me, and I want to come burn your house down, and I hate you, and I plot and scheme and think on how I would like to cut you into pieces and hack you to death. That is WRATH, not anger.

The anger is NOT caustic, it is what it can lead to (the intense wrath) that is caustic and hurtful to the older of the emotions. As long as I don’t actually cut you up, my wrath has not hurt you, it has only hurt me by turning the entire focus of my life into hateful nasty bitter thoughts. Does that make sense?

If because you stole something from me I turned you in to the police and they arrested you that is JUSTICE. (Not revenge) If I go burn down your house because you stole something from me that is REVENGE. (I was angry/wrathful at you, and I “sinned” because I used that anger/wrath as an excuse to do something bad myself, even more bad than what you did in the first place.

The Ps seem to me to have more WRATH than just ordinary “anger” and they harbor it seemingly forever, and as it seethes in their minds, it becomes bigger and bigger…that is what I DON’T want to do to my own soul. Though I think most people would say I had “plenty of justification” for the things that have been visited upon me by my P-son and others, but that would only make me like them, and that is not what I want out of life.

I hope I have explained it where you can understand what I am talking about, if not, Aloha can “interpret” LOL

(Report abusive comment)

I have a few odd photos now, when he was with an animal that I wanted to keep the image of and in a position I can’t cut him out without a lot of work (he’s not worth it) So I just blurred him. You can tell there was a person there, but that’s all.

(Report abusive comment)