The fantasy of magic moments with sociopaths
PDF Editor’s note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader.
Snapshots
By AlohaTraveler
In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath.
Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to the tortilla chips. It was romantic, it was silly, and I felt so in love. Never before had I done a thing like that! It was just a kiss but it was so ideal, so out of the movies. I recall during our first kiss, he embraced me as if he were Fabio on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel. Who wouldn’t swoon for that?
Here’s another snapshot. This time, I am at Home Depot. Why all the retail?! On the radio, Dan Fogelberg’s Longer Than is playing and I start to weep tears of joy. Suddenly, I felt as if I had a deeper understanding of this song about lovers. I know, it’s c-o-r-n-y! This happened during a time that I have referred to as “the happiest two weeks of my life,” or like I said before, “Relationship Crack.”
Another snapshot I have in my mind is spending an hour choosing just the right birthday card for my budding new romance (and more weeping over drippy love songs being piped in over the sound system). God, I was a sap! I ended up with two cards. I saw this as “the first card I would ever give the love of my life” and it had to be perfect. So what’s more perfect than two?
Yet another. This time I am sitting next to my Captain as he skillfully pilots the craft and gives an enlightening spiel about the marine life over his microphone. The guests were rapt with attention as was I, goo-goo eyes and all. I always had a thing for islands, the water, the whales, which were out in full force that day, and of course, the Captain of the ship. Isn’t it perfect?!
I remember looking at the Bad Man with his tanned skin and his Indiana Jones hat. He looked exactly like Harrison Ford back when Harrison Ford still looked good. It was all too perfect. I was living in Hawaii, I had a hunk of a man for my new boyfriend and of course, he had already told me what a “quality woman” I was, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and told me he was “seriously considering” me as a “potential life partner” after only a few short weeks! Considering that my move to Hawaii was my idea of an “alternate” life plan since, at 35 years old, my marital dreams had not come true, you can imagine how ecstatic I was to have such a lucky break in love. I had only been on the island 10 days when I met the “man of my dreams.” It appeared to me that my dreams were coming true after all. I looked at him and thought to myself, “We are going to be one of those couples that everyone wants to be like!” and I was on top of the world. I thought I had beat the system by letting go of the quest-for-love and reaching for my dreams on my own… and BINGO! My prayers were answered.
Sadly, the signs of danger were already present but my ideal moments, my perfect “snapshots” were clouding my ability, or perhaps, my willingness, to see them. The Bad Man had already mentioned that he had been called a “cult leader” in the newspapers back in Seattle during his days as a Pastor for Assemblies of God. He had been “sort-of excommunicated” because he was an “out of the box thinker” and he had “thrown off the templates” of the traditional hard line thinking of his former Church. He was a “rebel” and a “hero.” He had a “permanent restraining order” against him and all women’s health clinics in the Seattle area. He was “honest” about the “B.S. restraining order” his ex-wife had against him. He told me mournfully that his ex “stole the children” (escaped under extreme duress, I am sure) and that the court would issue a restraining order to any woman that said she was afraid. “The court wouldn’t even question it” he told me, with indignation in his voice. He called her a “gossip” and talked at length about how couples should be able to work out their problems in private or go “up the food chain” for advice and not down. Now in my defense, this was confusing. That seemed like good advice coming from a former Minister. Perhaps his ex was a gossip. I mean I was keeping all our problems private, just like he told me to. Why couldn’t she? I know as I write this that it all sounds ridiculous but alas, the kiss… the kiss! Now, I say, “Alas… the red flags, the RED FLAGS!!!”
Never before had I been so taken in by someone, so consumed by a man. I thought this was the big love that I had been waiting for. I thought it was finally my time. These were the things I was telling myself in those brief moments of heightened romance. As I write this, I realize that my snapshots were just my thoughts. In fact, in some of the snapshots I describe, the Bad Man isn’t even present… just me and my thoughts of LOVE. I was in denial of what was really happening and I let a few highly romantic moments, snapshots, overpower the truth. My own thoughts about what this relationship was going to mean for my formerly-empty-before-him-life were seductive enough for me to all but ignore the truth before me.
In my mind, I have burned up these snapshots. I recognize them for what they are now. They are my own fantasies, and my own dreams that I pinned on someone else. Why are all my dreams riding on someone else? Now when I am asked, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I feel sad and empty. For some reason, I keep getting asked this question lately. I can’t think of anything. I have plans that are solid and based on reality. I am working toward some goals. I have named the steps to achieve my goals and I am ticking them off as I go. But there are no dreams.
When someone loves you, they don’t set out to destroy you. They consider your wellbeing and they consider how their actions affect others. This is what is normal. They don’t terrorize you until you feel like you are worthless. I knew this but I sort of forgot. I forgot because he said the magic words…“I am seriously considering you as a potential life partner.” I became a slave to those words and would do anything, endure anything, ignore anything, because of them. It’s like I was on Survivor. I formed an alliance with him! I bought in to his strategy to destroy me and I joined in the plan. Hey, in the end, I even voted myself off the island! I guess you could say, I escaped the Bad Man by leaving while he was at work, kind of like the way he described the day his ex left him with her 5 children in tow. God Bless her.
If it seems that I make light of my encounter with a sociopath, I do not. My story is lit up with red flags, more than I would like to admit. My lessons from the Bad Man cost me some money, some time, many tears, a few friendships, and maybe one thing that needed to go, like a baby tooth needs to go to make room for the emerging adult one. Perhaps my fantasies of love, and being in love, and what that would mean for my life, were a bit girlish. Now, I have a plan for my life beyond loving and devoting my life to someone else. Where was I in all that, anyway?
I have a real snapshot of myself from my time on Maui. It was taken by the Bad Man. When I saved it on my computer, I gave it the file name, “pretending to be happy.” It looks like I am having the time of my life but the truth is, I was sleepless, anxious, afraid, and miserable. I was being emotionally battered, manipulated, terrorized and stalked. I had been called a long list of names your Mother wouldn’t want to hear you say. I was never good enough, never knew what he wanted or didn’t want, could never guess how to make him happy, because it changed minute by minute, nor could I keep up with his ever changing relationship rules that always applied to me but never to him. I was crumbling under the stress of it all.
I guess it’s never too late to be truthful with yourself.
Author’s note: The concept for “Snapshots” was introduced to me by my friend, Susan Bradley, RN. Susan is a Relationship Coach, and author of “Irresistible Prescriptions for Love.” For more information, visit her website www.lovinguniversity.com.
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OxDrover says:
Reaching a point where you truly are not “curious” about them, i.e. INDIFFERENCE, not wishing them bad, not wishing them good, not wanting to know what is going on with them…to me that is the place to be. With my X-P-BF, and with my P-son, I am there…still feel a bit of anger (i.e. still care some) about my P-by-proxy (enabling) mother, but am “getting there” slowly.
The night I visited her and we “talked” before I went NC with her, we were discussing my P-bio father and how my P-son was just like him, and she looked at me scornfully and said “Oh, you think it skipped a generation, do you?”
The answer to that is a resounding “YES I do” though it is obvious since my son is a P that some of those genes are in my body to enable me to pass them on. Why I am NOT a P is a mystery to me since I obviously got P-genes from BOTH sides of my ancestry.
I think as long as we CARE they still have a hold on us, and the indifference is where we need to “aim” and I think can eventually get there. It took a great while, even after I went NC with my P-son to where I didn’t have a curiosity about what was happening to him…what he was thinking…now that curiosity is gone and I think I am where I need to be with him.
I’m working through the anger with mother, the disappointment that I don’t have a loving and caring mother, and that my mother is such a die-hard-enabler and P-by-proxy that for all intents and purposes her behavior is just as evil because she will protect him, knowing what he has done, protect him knowing that he is evil, just not caring what pain he has inflicted on his victims. Protecting her own P-fantasy that he will get out of prison before she dies. She’s into the P-fog so deeply that if at this time in her life she actually gave up her delusions and denial, she would fall apart, and she must preserve it in order to exist, to give meaning to her entire life.
I know how difficult it is to give up your delusions, to cast away denial, to face reality that someone you love is EVIL, and to realize how you have enabled them, how you have “wasted” your own substance to enable them. Used so much energy to maintain the denial rather than face the painful truth.
I read recently (can’t remember where) that “TRUTH IS PAINFUL, but in the end it SETS YOU FREE.”
Facing my own truths has indeed been very painful, but I am now becoming FREE.
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holywatersalt says:
Lil O-
Yes, s/path and claimed he had asbergers—the genius autism. Before that it was ADD. He knew he was screwed up–all projection.
And not that I believe he is decompensating (is that the correct word?) — it’s all hanging out.
I know he knows he’s f–cked. When I first met him he admitted after I asked my standard cocktail party question: “have you ever seen a ghost?
that he felt he had been possessed by some entity at eighteen.
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Ariadne says:
LilOrphan,
I think the trust thing (at least for me) must have partly come from childhood stuff and partly from bad relationships. But you know, with friends that I really trust, that doesn’t really make a difference in our relationship. I talk to them and realize pretty quickly what their intentions are and everything is okay.
But I feel like the closeness to the sociopath made me look at the subtext of life more closely. Usually for every action, there is a certain motivation or intention behind it. There is a whole other layer beneath the superficial actions that everyone performs, and it becomes obvious if you just pay close attention. For normal people it is usually innocent or not purposeful, but for sociopaths, it is the reality in which they operate.
I will never regret having this awareness. I guess I am sad that there isn’t intrinsic goodness in everyone, but I am not sad that I don’t have that world view, because it would just open me to heartache.
So I guess if people who don’t know me don’t understand me, there’s nothing I can do about it. But when I make friends, they are good ones and I know I can trust them. I don’t really spend time with acquaintances very much. Maybe that’s a really cynical way to look at the world, but it works for me. I think the thing that bothers me is not my own world view, but how much it sucks that we have to be so careful because this world has people like S’s/P’s in it.
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holywatersalt says:
Wanted to add– I am now paranoid about my own behavior and others.
I think hypervigilance is normal now.
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OxDrover says:
The rabbit that survives is HYPERVIGILANT, the one that isn’t hyper-vigilant doesn’t survive….
so maybe it is a good thing that we are on the watch for RED FLAGS with people.
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LilOrphan says:
Subtext, paranoia and hyper-vigilance are all three things I can relate to, Ariadne, holywater and Ox-D. The P used to act as though every conversation I had with him had some sort of hidden attack or personal meaning, something important I was trying to convey in some sort of weird underlying code or something. As if. I’m as subtle as an anvil, really.
When we were getting along and he hadn’t yet started acting withholding, mean, distant, etc. I recall saying to him as we sat on the couch:
“Not everything I say has some sort of judgment or is anything to do with you, any reflection of you, or me, or whatever. Most of the time I just tell you things to have a conversation. There’s no subtext and certainly nothing threatening. We can’t have good communication if that’s going to be your concern because it’s not how I operate.”
He seemed relieved! I was…shocked. Shocked that it seemed I’d hit the nail on the head.
When I talk to people, unless it’s led by a direct “Hey, here’s something bothering me,” or “hey, we need to talk” or something that indicates importance, it’s otherwise just what I call babbling. I’m chatter-y sometimes, and quiet other times, but I never have conversations with some sort of agenda to them unless it’s made direct and clear.
Could not understand why anyone would think that! Same with actions. I don’t do things with “a plan” or agenda. Most of the time, I just don’t think that deeply, and certainly not deviously, about moving through the world on a daily basis.
But an S does. It’s how they operate.
Being uncertain right now, I tend to look for clues as to how others are perceiving me. God, I hate that so very much. It feels almost S-like. Have always been good at picking-up clues from being empathetic towards people. Both my girls are also quite good at reading others’ feelings in the moment. But I’ve never been so vigilant or socially anxious before.
Even took to asking my very closest friend if she was mad at me…all the time. To the point where it annoyed her so badly she said she would be, fairly soon, if I kept it up!
I still believe most people are good, but that trust is earned, not given freely. That was a huge change, both good and bad in ways.
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OxDrover says:
Orphan,
I get what you mean exactly with the “chatty” part, I am always finding something interesting to talk about—in the newspaper, on the net, or in a book I am reading that I want to share with others…if someone is present…if not I may wait till later to say “Hey, I read something really interesting yesterday”—and like you, I don’t have any agenda with that sharing of interesting tidbits of information.
When I was with the X-P-BF if we were driving down the road (and we did quite a bit of travel in areas I had not visited before) if I noticed a house that I liked or one that I thought was nice I might say “Oh, that’s a pretty house, but I would like it better if it was set further back from the busy highway” he would make some snide remark about me being overly critical—like I didn’t have a right to an opinion that I WOULD LIKE IT BACK FROM THE HIGHWAY. I wasn’t criticizing the house, just stating my preferences.
That was the “start” of his telling me what about me that he didn’t like and that I should change to suit him…and it crept up slowly until the verbal abuse started along with the lies, etc. It crept up so slowly and I was so wanting to “please” him that I didn’t realize he was doing anything until it really started to get nasty.
A really great by-product of my own learning experiences though with the Ps is that my two sons C and D are learning as well, and though D was not as intimately injured by my P son, or my P-BF and not involved at all with my P-bio father he is getting some great lessons in P-RED FLAGS.
C, having been married to one for 8 years, got the “whammy” but I think is recovering more rapidly than you would expect simply because of the information he has learned about his P-brother and the actions he has seen in his X-wife and her P-BF.
I would never wish a p-relationship on my worst enemy (if I had one that wasn’t a P LOL) but it is an “ill wind that blows no one good” and so I think in the end if we all use this horrible experience as a learning experience we can come out on the other side with some good things for ourselves in terms of self love and vigilance for our own selves. I don’t mean to sound in any way like a Pollyanna or to minimize the depth of pain we have all felt or the scars that we will probably all carry to some extent or another, but at the same time, I do think that any experience CAN have a positive side if we work at it.
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hummingbird1418 says:
My S has always expressed concern for his mother and siblings. He tries to go home once a month to visit his mother.
Do you think that this concern could be real?
I too believe in the basic good in people. That is why it is difficult for me to imagine people who seek out the trusting and use and manipulate them.
How does one go back to dating after experiencing a S in their life? How can you trust or open up to another person after having your heart broken. It would be different if a relationship just ended, but to have your trust violated and your life manipulated makes it very difficult to get involved again.
LilOrphan: I know how you feel about unfinished business. I keep thinking about the past four years and wondering how I could have been fooled by this man. I am sure that you feel the same way. I thought that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
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LilOrphan says:
hummingbird:
“LilOrphan: I know how you feel about unfinished business. I keep thinking about the past four years and wondering how I could have been fooled by this man. I am sure that you feel the same way. I thought that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with. ”
Ouch..yes, that is exactly it. Part of it, anyway. I do not like to dwell on this too much right now. Honestly? Maybe not ever. Can’t really “look it in the eye” just yet, so to speak. It hurts too much. I did believe this was the man I would spend forever with. More importantly, this was the man I *wanted* to take care of, to be with forever, to share all the best of life with. So regardless of whatever his feelings were or weren’t, if he was indeed “acting” as he so cruelly said one day out of nowhere, just a few days before he said he wanted to get married, my feelings are still really raw because they were real.
And I don’t consider things like marriage at all lightly. Seems like some people get married so often it’s almost a hobby or sport, but I’ve been single 12 years since getting divorced. Am so unflailingly earnest about that kind of thing. The first marriage ended in disaster and he was actually abusive as hell, yelling, cornering me, breaking things, throwing plates and dishes and crap over past my head…
My family of origin, or rather, adoption, was volatile. Mostly the adoptive brother who was also abusive to all of us. So I married what I knew without really knowing it. Home.
To think that I totally got fooled by someone who didn’t really love me and enjoyed admitting it after a year…well, you know, it sucks royally. And while I realize this is not my fault or whatever, I have to wonder what needs fixing in ME that I somehow equate loving people with allowing them to treat me in ways I’d not other people.
About dating – I don’t know. I tried it for about a split-second and it raised all sorts of emotional detritus that hadn’t yet settled from the P experience. I will again, though. I feel defiance and anger as I say this: I will date again. I will get married again. I will not allow this man and this experience to rob me of the beautiful future that will be with someone who really wants one with me. Promise me you’ll do the same? I spent five years between encounters with him living this depressing tribute to what I thought I’d lost when first leaving him behind. Now I think…what a waste.
But first, fix and heal, patch and repair, find a way to let go of this man who apparently didn’t mean any of it, good or bad, and get our selves and souls back together, yes?
Ox-D
The house story brought back so many bad memories. Nothing you say to them in passing is heard with innocent ears. That was one of the first clues I had that something was genuinely wrong. He was so suspicious of everything I said or did, from the outset. If I genuinely just cared about something that seemed to bother him, he accused me of digging for dirt or trying to make an “end run” or some such football term that meant I was trying to DO SOMETHING to him. It made me stop talking so much — well, not really that, but it made me conscious of what I was saying sounding stupid, or suspicious, or all sorts of things. It made conversation unbearable. It made me doubt my goodness because he doubted my goodness. Part of that is picking-up people’s feelings and soaking them up, internalizing. Which is my own problem. But part of it was from the unkind things he would say in response.
Wow, do I ever understand what you said. Nobody ever made me feel that badly about myself before, or doubt my own intentions. My ex was a straightforward angry person a lot of the time, but funny and he wasn’t evil or malicious – just messed-up and full of anger he’d never dealt with. We were volatile and young but really loved each other down deep.
This man…well, this man was something else entirely.
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LilOrphan says:
Sorry – correction: he said he was “acting” a few days after he said he wanted to get married to me. Out of nowhere, he just coldly said it, as though giving away a confidence. It was like the “reveal” Secret Monster refers to in one of his posts. He was letting me in on his “game” and I still didn’t get it. Just thought it was cruel and cold and weird, said for “shock value” but not really meant.
I have such great capacity for both love and stupidity.
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peggywhoever says:
LilOrphan, Oxdrover, All:
Below is a link to “The games narcissists play” whereby there are 22 sub-links for manipulation techniques N’s (and/or S’s) play. It’s kind of interesting.
http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-doubt.html
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OxDrover says:
Orphan,
You also have a WAY WITH WORDS–
” I have such a great capacity for both love and stupidity” LOL ROTFL
DON’T WE ALL!!!!
I’m like you said a couple of posts ago, Orphan, if I’m upset with you, I will tell YOU directly to your face and why—and actually I thought of myself that way, though I didn’t always practice what I knew was right in all relationships—in a romantic relationship however I did though. If my husband and I had a problem we took it to each other and up front. I tried to be that way with the P-BF but obviously it didn’t work…he lied.
Thanks for the links.
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LilOrphan says:
LOL, OxD. Words are my stock in trade. Part of the time, anyway, they pay some of the bills. Now, if I can just get my heart and words to always align, we’ll be cooking.
With the Wolf, I could *never* speak my mind straightforwardly. Never. Always felt like literally being strangled, the words wanting to come out but shoved down, choking. When I did get the nerve to address things it made my heart race. Could not figure that out. I’m no shrinking violet…well, I never used to be a shrinking violet. Used to be one of the most outspoken, brash, sometimes annoyingly self-confident women in any room. But some of that he took with him before 2001…and the rest just sort of followed out the door. Now I seem like that with everyone, namby-pamby, mealey-mouthed, scared of my own shadow.
Think a lot of it was conditioning. Half the time I tried to talk to him it was shot-down in flames. Other times, it was ridiculed. Still others, it was ignored.
So I learned not to say anything and get my words out elsewhere, in writing, or with others.
What I want more than anything else in this period of recovery and healing is to return to that level of integrity, confidence and fearlessness, being one of the most straightforward women in any room. We have to first relearn how to hear our own voices, then trust them enough to use them. Regain our confidence and some feeling of a benevolent universe surrounding us. Not the naivete we had before about all of life being good and kind, but to walk again in trust with the world.
Peggy : thanks for the links. Could never understand why, when things seemed absolutely fine, he felt compelled to ‘stir the pot’ with some outrageous statement or accusation. Once I texted him jokingly about a bet we had, saying “I won, I won…” to tease him and he texted back some bizarre, mean, hurtful thing making fun of me. Out of left field. When later I asked him what he meant by it, he said: interpret it any way you wish.
WTF? The nicer I was to him, the meaner he got. Finally, one night as he was falling asleep, I said, “Do you love me?” and he said, “Yes.” Then I said, “Do you hate yourself?” and he said “Yes.”
I honestly believe that may have been a moment where he was telling the truth, being unguarded right before drifting off to sleep. There were so many signs he hated himself and sabotaged his own life and happiness, over and over again. Think I wanted to love him enough for both of us. To “fix” his soul, somehow – more than I was willing to love myself and probably, underneath it all, to keep from having to fix my own life — not selfishly, just subconsciously.
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OxDrover says:
It’s odd, my P-XBF seemed to have BOTH arrogance AND low self esteem. He grew up “poor” and felt that people with money looked down on people who were “poor.”
I grew up “poor” but never realized I was “poor” or ever thought that people who had more things than we did thought themselves “better” or that I was financially inferior tol anyone else. So didn’t equate me with $$=good 0$=bad
He was very bright but only had a formal education of highschool, though he had read and educated himself so that he could hold a good conversation on many subjects.
However, because he didn’t have a “college degree” he had a low self esteem and if anyone with a college degree (a woman) knew something he didnt then he felt that they were “talking down” to him if they told him something he didn’t know.
My late husband and I used to learn from each other continually, and it was fun…he had his scope of knowledge and I had mine. It was really fun to learn new things from each other–but the PBF resented me knowing anything he didn’t, even if it was in my “field,” like medicine.
He would sometimes jump up and run outside in the middle of a conversation—apparently he had become so enraged that he thought he was going to lose control. When he came back inside in a few minutes, he was still angry and cross and would accuse me of “talking down” to him.
I think in some ways he was “happy” when we were together, but his own demons and desire for control, domination, and the reassurance of his “manhood” with multiple partners sexually, and his internal rages kept him on the brink most of the time.
I’m just glad and thankful that I didn’t marry this jerk before I wised up and realized that he had a harem on the side.
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hummingbird1418 says:
The person that I thought I knew was never that person. The decitful, lying man that I have discovered is not the man that I thought that I loved.
He said that he cared for his mother and his siblings. He said that he had a strong faith in God. He was always preaching to others in our office about taking the high road and not getting involved in discussions about others (gossiping).
He was never violent , but he did anger easily. When I didn’t do things the way that he wanted he would get angry and not talk to me for a day or two.
I think that I may be co-dependent. I felt that I needed to take care of him. I was there for all his illnesses and hospitalizations. I made him meals, ran out to get things, and generally took care of his needs. Why would I allow someone to treat me so badly and still do so much for him? That is a question that I need to answer for myself.
Thanks for all the feedback. This website has really helped me vent and read about others with similar stories.
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hummingbird1418 says:
It is more difficult to recover from a relationship with a S than a normal breakup. The relationship was like a “house of cards” that you were building. All it took was a little breeze to take it down. A relationship built on lies and deceit will never survive.
One partner is doing all the work. I was the one providing financial support (two jobs). I was the one providing the vacations, the car, the food, the medicine and the care. I was the one sitting in doctor’s offices and in hospitals while he was recovering from surgery and illnesses.
He did make my Christmas special every year with a lavish display of gifts. I could never understand how he could afford this considering his financial issues, but I didn’t question it. Maybe he borrowed money from other woman for this extravagant display of affection.
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LilOrphan says:
OxD
Same way…low self-esteem AND arrogance. What the heck?!? They say these disorders are caused by internal emptiness. He seemed to have a grudge against me long before we even met, when my dad would tell him good things about me he was annoyed and said that I probably wasn’t all that. My dad and I had just met when I was mid-20′s.
He had no reason to be that insecure, except maybe that he wished he’d had more education, but he had taught himself all sorts of things and wasn’t dumb.
hummingbird
They present themselves as moral, ethical, one women kind of guys but….then the reality is so jarring, isn’t it?
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Marie says:
LilOrphan, mine was EXACTLY the same……low self esteem and arrogance, although he tried very hard to hide it. He fooled me into thinking that he was a nice gentle friendly guy, full of good morals. He said he wouldn’t cheat on me, though he did say that he had female “friends” that he talked to on a regular basis! He was full of contempt a lot of the time, and deep down was a very angry, jealous person. He would stop at nothing to get what he wants including back stabbing, and dissing his so called friends and members of his band. He was the total opposite of the man I thought he was. A huge disappointment in fact, with a shocking past that made me feel sick to the stomach when I found out the truth about him.
It is hard to come to terms with the fact that he was one big fat LIE. The man that I loved never really existed. How are we supposed to move on from this? It is so difficult.
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hummingbird1418 says:
Marie:
Maybe it’s the same man. Mine was very arrogant and acted so moral. He also has a lot of female friends who are constantly calling, asking advice, etc. He has these four mothers of his godchildren – the woman he is involved with is one of these.
I am also so disillisioned by this man. I loved him but he is not the man that I thought that I knew.
I think that he may be starting his games with our office assistant. She is married but has health issues and seems very vulnerable. He is flirts with her -”Hi Gorgeous”. She is now confiding issues that she is having with co-workers with him. Should I warn her? I have to work here for a long time yet.
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alohatraveler says:
HOlywatersalt,
You treat him like a plant? I LOVE THAT! That is so funny! And you say the feelings are “gone.” YAY! Me too!!!
So it does happen. I just wrote something about that yesterday… about when you fully and completely accept and see what they are, it changes your whole perspective on things. I keep mentioning the movie: TRUEMAN SHOW. It’s like that. I was a dramatic character playing my role perfectly and I didn’t even know it. Now it makes me laugh thinking of myself crying over love songs and stuff like that. What was I thinking!!!
I am happy for you Holywater!
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neverneverland says:
OMG. You know, I think there’s only one of these men and the rest is done with mirrors. Mine: low self-esteem coupled by this grandiose arrogance. Claimed to be a Christian, but didn’t ive the lifestyle. He was basically your average diva and demanded to be treated as though his life had priority over others’ lives. Again, multiple women “friends” (er … with benefits, of course) calling, as well as ex’s. I spoke with one of the ex’s who told me that during a romantic trip together, he was texting her, telling her that he missed her and was thinking about her. I couldn’t believe it. That was one of the most beautiful moments of our relationship, but finding this out has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I just cannot believe how many men there are out there that fit this profile.
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hummingbird1418 says:
There should be a place to warn women (and men) about these people.
I saw a link to peepsheet.com where you can add someone to a list as a conman, etc.
Has anyone done this?
I would have like to have read something about this man prior to getting involved with him.
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neverneverland says:
hummingbird –
The problem with peepsheet, dontdatehimgirl, and womansavers — all similar sites — is that you have a lot of people posting about their exes out of mere spite. There is a big difference between simple heartbreak and getting taken by a conman who breaks your heart. But people don’t seem to differentiate. I personally would love to see a *valid* site with data that is confirmed by the site owner that warns men and women against con games. Had i been the only “victim” I probably would not want to post about my ex, but there are quite a few who want to tell their tales. From what I understand, in 2000, several women got together and put up their own website about him after they found out about each other. My ex’s “main girlfriend” organized it and solicited input from all of the others she ran across. She took it down after a while — she’d moved on. I wish that she hadn’t. If only i’d seen it! This man has not changed one bit!
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holywatersalt says:
The problem NEVERNEVERLAND is that most psycho stay under the radar.
Read those sites– I swear most of the creeps on there are predators.
Very few psychos are in the legal system. Few have that brand- but anything would help.
Something that saved me from myself was keeping the Commandments, namely the one against Adultery.
I know I sound insane when I say this, but if more women waited for marriage for sex (though I know, I know psychos wait and attack afterwards)–these guys would have less power.
Mine gave up when he figured out there was no sex. I told him upfront- I am not interested in an affair. But that I had to is a HUGE RED FLAG, but I thought he just really likes me and he’s a guy and eccentric…. I really thought, he thought I was a friend.
I also think at least a year engagement is a must.
They do out themselves– we just need to apply pressure, set some standards see if they can follow them.
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OxDrover says:
Neverneverland, I went on vacation to Colorado with my P-BF, and my son D and my best friend B went with us, and come to find out later that HE went to meet one of his girlfriends that was at the same event we were at. He even brought her to visit with us one evening after supper.
I didn’t know this at the time, but looking back on it she sort of had that “cat with the carnary feathers” look that night. Some how just “uncomfortable”—but HE wasn’t, I think he thought it was the height of funny!
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LilOrphan says:
hummingbird and neverneverland:
Sure, those websites might appear to be stuff posted by angry ex’s. And well, we are angry exes – just for a different reason. LOL. That’s how they hook their next victims (read the heartless bitches site, a post on being “special” — none of us is “special” enough for a Psycho!)
Nevertheless, put their names up. One, it’s cathartic. Two, I went looking for his name at those sites before deciding to see him this time around. Had it shown up even ONCE I would never have decided to go have lunch with him.
Oh, yuck. Earlier I was thinking of the time we went to lunch and I asked him an innocent question and he YELLED at me at the Thai restaurant. I eyed my keys and thought of running. It had been SO LONG since anyone talked to me so disgracefully and he was such a hideous monster at that moment. I really did love him enough to put up with a whole helluva lot that wasn’t tolerable in the slightest, in retrospect. He deserved to be slugged.
Anyway, do whatever makes YOU feel better and might result in just one person not falling for his crap. For my part, I’ve started a new blog and will address P/N/S issues as well as others. It’s much more high profile than any of my previous blogs. Do I expect fallout? Nah. He knows that everyone knows if something happens to me my half-blind dad will be over his apartment in a SECOND with a gun.
All I am doing is telling the truth. All it takes for evil to triumph is for otherwise good people to do nothing. Can’t let that happen.
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holywatersalt says:
OxD-
Do they all do that? Mine loved those ruses. Get everyone together– I found out later every event I was invited to, was a set-up to taunt someone.
I was clueless.
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OxDrover says:
HWS,
I don’t know if they “all” do that, but I have read enough times on here people posting that they have been “introduced” to the OW while the affair was going on.
I know mine thought it was “cute” I think–turned out I knew SEVERAL of his OW, and X-GFs, his X-wife, and women he was wooing. He wanted to “be friends” after we “broke up” and I think that meant “sex whenever we can get together” like he had apparently had with other women, Nah, not me. I’m not interested in any casual sexual encounters with anyone…not my cup of tea. I sure don’t want to be one of his “harem”
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neverneverland says:
I can top all … one of his groupies showed up once with suitcase in hand, and he LET HER MOVE IN to our place. She was there for four days before she finally blew and tore out after she figured out that i was his main target (she didn’t have any money). He was also allowing groupies and co-workers he’d screwed or messed around with to be around me — to him, it was no big deal. He honestly didn’t see anything wrong with doing this. I soon learned that if he had a female “friend,” I could bet the farm that he’d screwed her or intended to.
As for the sites, right now I’m answering questions from the IRS and that kinda takes precedence. They called today to see what I know about him. I am going to talk to the agent tomorrow after I consult with an attorney. I’m afraid that since I knew about this for two years and did nothing that I will also be prosecuted as well. The IRS are not too forgiving about people who know and don’t report … chances are I might get called to testify against him. In which case, putting him up on a website won’t be necessary.
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hummingbird1418 says:
Orphan:
I know how you feel. I can’t believe that I would let him order me around. He would say something like “put your things in your car” at the end of the work day and I would do it.
He always wanted me to call him when I got home. I see that as controlling not concern.
He said to me once “if you can’t trust me, who can you trust?”
The answer should be anyone but him.
I am checking out those other sites to see is he is posted.
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OxDrover says:
The “magic moments” with psychopaths don’t just pertain to a lover or spouse…I realized that the “magic moments” with my P-bio father were that at first he treated me like an “adult” where my mother treated me like a little child–this was the “magic” that he held out to me as a fantasy, along with the travel and adventure, the chance to go to Africa and South America and photograph wild life–see the world, learn to fly airplanes. What kid from the sticks wouldn’t be lured by this? The GOOD that came of that though, was that I met my husband then, though it was 20 years later before we married.
With my son, it was the magic he held for me when he was a little kid before he turned into the “monster” man–I wanted those magic moments of pride in my son, enjoyment in my son. FANTASY. They were gone with his adolescence.
With my P-XBF, the magic fantasy he held out to me was that after loving my husband, I could find another “perfect love” again.
All smoke and mirrors–all fantasy–all nothing but a dream, but I fell for them all hook line and sinker!
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hummingbird1418 says:
I think that is the lure. They seem too good to be true and they are. The S appears to be what we have been looking for in a significant other until his true self starts to emerge. They are such accomplished liars and can twist the truth to suit their needs.
I think that an S must have told lies all their lives to be so skilled at it. Most people would hesitate or stammer if they were saying something that was untrue, but it just rolls off the S tongue. Are the traits apparent enough when a S is young that a parent or teacher might notice?
I have read in Dr. Hare’s book that there is not a cure for S or P. Group therapy doesn’t work because of their skills in manipulation. So what is the answer? Avoid them at all costs?
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Beverly says:
Holywatersalt. Just saw my exN today and guess what, like you, I had no feelings or thoughts about him whatsoever. Infact he was like a stranger and I looked at him and thought I dont know why I even gave him a second look. I really am over him too. I read your contribution dated 30 March and I realised that I am free too. It really does happen! Wow.
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OxDrover says:
Well, as far as “when they are young”–my P son didn’t become apparent until adolescence when he would lie when the truth would fit better.
The ONLY episode of him lying, when caught RED handed was at age 11 he stole money from me, and bought a radio he wanted when I couldn’t afford it…when the parents of the other child confronted him about his “missing” radio they came to me and we all sat down together, the two boys and the 3 parents. My son NEVER DID ADMIT that he was lying, and was defiant and angry…even ran away from home…but I never did see any other of this kind of behavior until he was in puberty when he became VERY defiant.
I’m not sure if I missed anything, but because I was an ACTIVE parent, kept up with his teachers, his playmates and his friends etc. NO ONE observed anything except a child that excelled in school and was very pleasant to be around. I watched him for signs of theft etc. and never detected any until after he had apparently started his career of CRIME.
He is skilled at lies, but, not as skilled as he thinks he is. He becomes frustrated if you don’t “buy into” his lies and becomes angry and nasty—even when he is trying to con you, and like Hare says, his right brain and his left don’t see the dichotomy between what he says and the emotional words he is using. If you don’t look too deeply, he can portray a very philosophical and moral thinker…but looking back through his letters, I also see that I WANTED to believe him at face value and by looking more deeply, I saw how SHALLOW his pronouncements were—there were also quite a few contradictions in them as well.
I think if I had not had “malignant hope” and hadn’t been focused on the FANTASY BAIT I would have seen things more clearly earlier on. By staying focused on the fantasy, I didn’t see what I would have seen in YOUR son, because I was PREJUDICED for my own son.
Because I was so emotionally invested in MY son, what should have been obvious, the contradictions, etc. were IGNORED by me. The RED FLAGS were THERE I just pushed them aside.
I don’t think any of the Ps are good enough to NOT fly the RED FLAGS from time to time, I just think that we “project” the picture of them that we want to see onto their EVIL UGLY FACES….the way they project their faults and blame on to us.
The problem is that we try to change the unchangeable, and they DO change the changeable (US!). The only way that we can break free is to give up trying to change them, and to change OURSELVES in relationship to them.
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OxDrover says:
We posted over each other again, Beverly…LOL
GLAD that you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! Isn’t it WONDERFUL!!!!!!
Congratulations and a dozen red roses to you from me! And a great big PAT ON THE BACK! AND A BIG CYBER ((((((((HUG))))))
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Beverly says:
Thank you OxDrover. I feel your hugs and your strength and wisdom, which is what I imagined when I went into surgery.
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neverneverland says:
RE:
“I think that an S must have told lies all their lives to be so skilled at it. Most people would hesitate or stammer if they were saying something that was untrue, but it just rolls off the S tongue.”
I actually got to the point where I could detect when he was lying and/or pretending. There was a certain cadence in his voice. Now granted, it took about a year for this particular cadence to register with me.
In the end, I finally heard his “real” speaking voice, when he was breaking up with me. It was dry, cold and very nonchalant … dead. That’s the way he really communicates. I’d heard that voice used with other people he was dismissing from his life, never thought I’d hear it myself. It’s interesting when the real person begins to emerge. You start to discover how little these people really feel in terms of empathy.
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OxDrover says:
NEVERNEVER LAND,
IT ISN’T ‘LITTLE EMPATHY’ IT IS NO, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NONE–they are NOT capable of ANY empathy, it is all about THEM.
That I think is the hardest part to get your head around, we can’t even begin to comprehend how a mouse thinks, or a snake, or a cow–we can only observe their behavior and sort of maybe possibly get an idea, but we can’t UNDERSTAND completely, and neither can we with the Ps–it is like they are a DIFFERNET SPECIES, or from another planet–the only LOOK HUMAN. Like something out of a sci-fi movie where the aliens take over the bodies of the humans—LOL that’s the closest I can come to it.
At some point though, just like the aliens in human bodies, the REAL them starts to come out. They drop the mask when they no longer need you or want you, or they are in a rage, or are frustrated with you.
Don’t ever trust one of them once you know what they are, any more than you would trust a rattle snake not to bite you, that is JUST WHAT THEY DO.
BEVERLY—
There has been some double-blind research done with praying for patients and there is a statistical difference in the recovery rate and speed of recovery for patients who were prayed for over patients who were not. My belief is that it is God, someone else might believe “positive energy”–what ever it is, it seems to work, and you are in my thoughts and prayers, as are all the other people on this web site–and even if it doesn’t do them any good (though I think it does) I know that it DOES GOOD FOR ME, gives me a feeling that I can HELP not only others, but by helping them, help myself.
Speaking of helping others, I got around today to looking at Dr. Leedom’s web site for parenting the children at risk, and it is really a good one. So she is not only helping herself, but helping other parents in the same boat with her…and I think that in a nutshell is what “life is all about”—helping others, and at the same time, helping ourselves. I think that is why AA works much of the time, or NA or co-dependent groups. Because by helping others we reinforce the things that we need to keep in the forefront of our own brains.
I also looked at M. L Gallager’s website recovering the job, and it is also a great site. There are a multitude of great sites for healing on the web and I think there is “something for everyone” whatever your beliefs, your spiritual awareness, or your stage of healing. I am grateful for the people who work on these sites and keep them up and running. I don’t have the computer skills to do so, but if I can contribute to several of them, I think I have done a little part, if not all that much. I am also able to pray for others and that gives me comfort and I hope does for them too.
You are a strong woman, Beverly and I am so encouraged by seeing your strength in action as you heal from not only your P but from your other health concerns as well. After my summer of the tick fever, I can testify that the stress tears up our immune systems leaving us open to all kinds of health issues.
God bless.
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greengirl says:
Ah, relationship crack – Aloha, I love that phrase. It’s so accurate. I’ve actually used crack as a good analogy for how I feel about my ex. I know that getting together with him will mean I wind up broke, hurt, sick, miserable, alienated from my family and friends, and it will basically wreck my life. But I find the “high” so intoxicating that there may always be that temptation to do it anyway. Even if there one day that temptation isn’t there, the best policy is definitely to stay away from crack and not tempt fate! lol
I experience the whole “snapshots” phenomenon when my ex was wooing me, too. It’s funny, other than with the ex, I had always been a very pragmatic person as far as relationships go. I am a very emotional person, but I’d never been one who believed in soul mates or fairy tale happy endings or what not. Well, once I got together with a guy who was purposely creating the whole “fairy tale” thing in order to hook me in, that belief changed.
I remember thinking, “Ah, so THIS is what all those movies and songs are talking about, finally I get it.” I also relate to the “We’re going to be one of those couples everyone else wants to be like.” I believe one of my exes quotes was something like “We have the kind of love that most people only dream about it.” And he was right – except he failed to mention that most people only dream it because IT ISN’T REAL. Your descriptions of being in Hawaii w/ your Bad Man remind me of my ex too. The town I moved to so that I could live with him was absolutely, stunningly beautiful. I remember being out sometimes with him in these stunning natural surroundings, and it was all so amazing it was nearly overwhelming. I remember once saying to him that it all felt like a dream, we were so in love and in this place that was so beautiful. I guess when I was talking like this he must have figured that he really had me.
I realized recently that I still occasionally find myself drifting in to “snapshot” mode. Occasionally now if I find myself in a situation where I am feeling down that the ex is not here and we’re not together, I’ve been trying to notice what I am thinking. Usually it’s something along the lines of “It would be so nice if he was here, because then he would (fill in supportive, caring or romantic action here.)” When I notice this I remind myself that actually, that is not reality. That is just my fantasy of who I thought he was being extrapolated in to a future that he is no longer a part of. Getting a handle on this has helped me get my head around missing him, and that I don’t actually miss the real him, I miss the pretend, fantasy him.
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alohatraveler says:
Greengirl,
Thanks for your comments. I really don’t miss anything about BM anymore. Sure, it would be nice to meet a handsome Captain and sail off into the sunset but in this mental picture, it’s no longer the BM’s face. These days, I don’t even fantasize “if only” about him. I am not sure exactly when that changed for me. Maybe after my trip to Maui. Also, after that trip late last year, I have been in contact with two women via phone and email that were directly affected by him. We found eachother through Craigslist.
Bad Man is such an evil character for me now… no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
He is gone from that place in my heart but I think for as long as I live, I will never be able to think about Hawaii without remembering him.
My former housemate that l lived with while I was in Maui happens to be visiting Maui right now. (She lives in Reno now of all places.) I asked her, “Are you enjoying all those koo-koo bird sounds in the morning?” We just crack up. I miss her so much. She honestly saved me from losing it while I was out there.
Anyway, I don’t even “look” at my snapshots anymore. Well, maybe I do. I look at myself, crying over love songs at Home Depot and then I laugh. This just seems so ridiculous to me now. Oh well. Live and learn.
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Ariadne says:
Beverly,
Congratulations on your indifference! lol That sounds so weird but that is really what it is. That’s great that you got to that point where he doesn’t affect you anymore. It really is a big step.
Greengirl, you sound like you are at a good place too. It is really smart to analyze your own thoughts like that. Reading here really helps, doesn’t it? It helps us to give names to our own thoughts, to recognize what our minds are doing. That is the first step to changing our thought processes for the better.
Even though S’s “giveaways” are individual, there is something that I have seen in a lot of different sociopaths when they are pretending. They kind of raise their eyebrows and open their eyes to look innocent, like someone who couldn’t possibly tell a lie. It is a face that people who are really innocent don’t need to make so it seems a little strange. It is almost a surprised look. I wonder if that is common. Has anyone else noticed that?
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hummingbird1418 says:
green girl:
That is absolutely true. I am a sceptic and never believed in fairy tale endings. I considered a relationship something you had to constantly work at.
We talked about retiring someday and moving to Maine together. We would buy a house in a small town and live together there. Now I know that this was just part of the lies.
The S does seem too good to be true, but eventually you start to see chips in their outer shell. I still have feelings for mine especially since I see him everyday at work.
I enjoyed all the posts. It makes me feel less alone.
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LilOrphan says:
Ariadne :
“Congratulations on your indifference!”
Ha! Think you’ve just inspired me. The day that I actually become totally indifferent will become my second birthday celebration, every year for awhile. We’ll call it “Indifference Day.” When the actual date becomes a memory (because that IS the goal), I’ll only allow myself to think of this experience, and him, on July 4th, Independence Day, each year.
Anyone wanna take the Indifference pledge to do likewise?
I’m getting there. For years, he was my first and last thought every day, whether in each other’s lives or not. But this time, after only a few months, I often wake-up thinking of many other things, and people.
Here’s to indifference.
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Marie says:
Ah, indifference………….yes, I want to take the indifference pledge LilOrphan, and I am working hard towards it, but feel that I have a bit further to go yet.
Being caught up in the injustice of it all isn’t helping. I feel so conned by him, and angry with myself for believing his lies. Thinking he was a lovely guy when in fact he is really a nasty piece of work, and an ex con of the worst kind.
We don’t have Independence day here in UK, but it is a good day to celebrate ‘indifference day’. I’m hoping that by the time it comes around this year I will be ready to celebrate. I would give anything to get him out of my head.
Beverley, many congratulations on achieving indifference with your ex. Brilliant! I think I would freak out if I saw my ex right now, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about him. You have done so well to get to this point. I admire your strength and determination.
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LilOrphan says:
Ugh…just saw him on the road, again, passing by. He never used to drive down this particular stretch of road – the road he knows I tend to use because it takes me straight to work and home again without having to take the freeway.
I had to come home to pick something up before going in to work, but frankly, I was also uneasy with him in this area. He must be seeing someone here because he lives 20 minutes or so away. Probably he OW who was around when he was with me, I think, who was also from this town).
But…guess what? I had NO emotional reaction, save annoyance. No feeling of missing him. That has to be the first time!
Maybe indifference day is not that far off?
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hummingbird1418 says:
I hope to achieve Indifference Day.
When a real relationship ends, there are good times as well as bad times to remember. In this relationship, I don’t even know which experiences were real for not. I have no idea what he felt for me if anything. I find myself second guessing everything that I did over the past four years.
I wonder how I could have been blinded so long by his charm and cunning. Why didn’t I suspect something was very wrong long before this?
There will never be closure in this relationship. Even if the S attempts to explain himself, would any of it be the truth?
It will be difficult moving on and trusting again.
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neverneverland says:
I would love to feel true indifference, to be honest. But I think that will be a long time coming. Right now, all I feel is anger and the sense of being cheated — cheated out of time, love, and money, all of which were given to him in generous proportions. This morning, I finally came clean with my mother as to where all my savings went. She kept asking my why I didn’t have the money to do such-and-such, and I made up an excuse. But now she knows, about all of the “loans,” the bills of his I paid, the groceries that I bought from an expensive upscale market because he insisted on it, the dinners out he insisted that I pay for, etc.
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OxDrover says:
Sometimes the “indifference” (which is actually the opposite of love–hate is NOT the opposite of love, INDIFFERENCE is.) comes on gradually and then one day you have that AH HA effect and realize it has been there for a while. Or, you feel that you have acheived it and then get a small twinge that tells you that you are not QUITE there but getting there.
As long as you harbor the hate and the anger, you are still renting them room in your head.
After my divorce years ago (I loved him totally, and he wasn’t a P just a confused man) I was devastated, and it was about 18 months later that I was playing with the kids in the yard and we were squirting each other with a water hose, and “fighting” over it and putting it down each other’s pants and shirts, and rolling in the mud and laughing like crazy people and it HIT ME–WE ARE HAPPY! At that point I realized that I had HEALED. I was no longer angry at him, no longer sad for him, no longer grieved for him, no longer wanted him. No longer wondered if I could have done anything different.
My X-BF was a much shorter relationship, but I was sucked in by that P DEEPLY in to the fantasy, so when I kicked him to the curb, it HURT…but when I saw him (and I kind of dreaded it) it was indifference.
With my P son, Ihave no doubt now that I am at the indifference stage. I no longer wonder about him being healthy, sick, injured or anything–I just really don’t even have any interest in him.
I am generally NC with mom, and at first that was difficult and painful, now it is peace-giving–and though I do from time to time have to interact with her verbally (or even face to face at times) it doesn’t give me that gut-wrenching physical pain in my mid section any more, and though I am still kind of disappointed and sad about it, it isn’t deep grief any more. I did have a bit of a twinge the other day when I thought about the court hearing on the 16th of this month that I have to do–but you know–I may not be absolutely 100% indifferent to her, but I am approaching it rapidly. I have no desire to tell her off any more, no desire to try to explain myself, no desire to please her, and actually could give a hoot what she thinks about me.
I don’t feel a need to find out from the neighbors how she is doing and if they ask me, then I say “fine as far as I know” which is a true answer.
I don’t feel an empty spot where our relationship was–even the times it felt good—don’t feel a need to have anything at all to do with her. When this court thing is over, all communication can be handled by e mail or via my son C who is her “watch dog” to keep her from sending money to the P-son in prison–so communication will be very little and face to face not at all unless I run into her at wal mart or something and that isn’t likely.
I feel more like an independent adult capable of making my own decisions now than I have ever felt in my life. Many times I would turn to my mother for advice on “sticky” situations at work in dealing with unreasonable bosses or co-workers, or lots of things, but I see now that I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS and that my own decisions are pretty good. I don’t need her “reassurance”—and that is a liberating feeling.
For a while during the “crazyness” I would ask my son D for his advice because he wasn’t as “crazy” about all this as I was and more rational, but I don’t even feel the need to do that any more.
It feels more like I have been emancipated than anything. LOL
Hummingbird, you will regain confidence in your own ability to decide who to trust again, it will just take some time, and thought, I think.
I FELT SO STUPID, how could someone as bright as me be THAT STUPID? Well, I am human. Humans do things for emotional reasons not necessarily logical ones. It was NOT logical, it was emotional. Now, I have confidence that I will NOT ALLOW my emotions to override my GOOD SENSE. I know how to spot the RED FLAGS, and I will NOT ALLOW MYSELF to ignore them again.
I have TRUST IN MYSELF now—I AM CAPABLE. My God how liberating that feeling is! I don’t have to PLEASE anyone else about my decisions. If someone doesn’t like the way I am, or wants to change me, they can kiss my rosy red butt. I am more secure in myself now than ever. I have a conscience and will not take advantage of others or be mean to them, but I will EXPECT and DEMAND that others in my “circle of trust” be courteous and respectful to me, or they can GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE. I will never again–NEVER allow anyone to abuse me again. ANY sign of lies, maliciousness or guile in someone makes them someone I DON’T need close to me.
I have seen not only remarkable growth in myself, but in many of the bloggers here as we have held each other’s hands on this journey of learning and healing. You have each been a comfort to me in more ways than I can say. Thanks to you all.
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neverneverland says:
Oxdrover –
I am conflicted on the whole anger/hate thing. My therapist has told me that it’s normal that I’ve moved into this stage now, and that if I don’t feel the anger and experience it, it will come out in other aspects of my life. For example, I’ll take it out on the man in my next relationship, or I’ll kick the dog, or treat my friends poorly, whatever. However, that said, I don’t like feeling anger! I really am not an angry person. I don’t like holding grudges. It goes against everything that I know that I am as a person. At the same time, I’m powerless to the anger right now.
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romanticfool says:
Snapshots, yes, exactly.
The day my X left my daughter came to help me keep together. Physically, even before his betrayal I could barely walk. But the first thing I did was take down the portrait sketch of him I had done early in the relationship. It was very flattering and really did look just like him. I took it out of the frame and tore it into tiny little bits. Later my daughter admitted she had fished the bits out and taken them down to the river to throw in. He was the only father she had ever known, after crying crocodile tears over her (good actor, tears up a will) he never called her again, never sent her even a Christmas card. One of the things I dislike about him the most, hurting my daughter.
One of the first things he asked for was that portrait, he offered to buy it. How N can you get? I just said I didn’t have it any more, and let him think whatever he wanted. He was smart enough not to ask me why.
I too was worried about if I ever saw him again…I built my entire world around him, even a year and a half later it’s still difficult picking up the pieces. But I ran across an audition he had made on YouTube. Hahahahaahaha! I watched him posture and pose the exact same way he always did, and thought, dang, I was WITH that man? How embarrasing. Was he really that bad when I was with him. The answer is yes. I’m not sure I have attained real indifference, I have that spot bookmarked, and go look at it when ever I get feeling too down. Always makes me feel better. He used to be cute, at 49 he just looks like an old strung out dopper, still acting like he’s 21.
I don’t think I would feel indifferent if I saw him on the street. He’s dangerous. I would have to lie and pretend I didn’t know about the drugs, didn’t know he was killing me, even though it’s impossible not to know it, since I’m still walking, talking and look 20 years younger. But I woudn’t feel any love for him. That was over the minute I found out what he was. I’d already given him one chance, which was a mistake. No way was he staying even on the fringes of my life.
I’m not indifferent to the relationship, that’s going to take me a long time. Getting rid of all those snap shots, well I was a busy little photographer! But also that first week, I removed all of the picture of him and burned them. If there was an animal or person in the shot I wanted to keep, I just removed him digitally, so it looks like he was never there. Which in one sense is soooo true.
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