Comments on: Choosing a love partner? Beware of The Dark Triad http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Wed, 08 Feb 2012 07:17:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: blackrose http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20763 blackrose Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:22:21 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20763 Henry, you are right about learning to love people who are real. I've decided to stay away from dating for a while until I learn more about myself, and what attracted me to this man, and what makes it hurt so much is that we feel we've lost, not just our lover, but our best friend. My ex and I shared the same interests, family values, political views, but they were my interest, family values, etc. I used to feel sorry for him, but I don't anymore, he didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me it was over, the lack of respect, lack of remorse. People ask me if I'll ever forgive him, I forgave myself, I don't owe him that much. But, to keep hating him wasn't healthy for me, and he doesn't even deserve that kind of emotion from me. Henry, you are right about learning to love people who are real. I’ve decided to stay away from dating for a while until I learn more about myself, and what attracted me to this man, and what makes it hurt so much is that we feel we’ve lost, not just our lover, but our best friend. My ex and I shared the same interests, family values, political views, but they were my interest, family values, etc. I used to feel sorry for him, but I don’t anymore, he didn’t even have the decency to call me and tell me it was over, the lack of respect, lack of remorse. People ask me if I’ll ever forgive him, I forgave myself, I don’t owe him that much. But, to keep hating him wasn’t healthy for me, and he doesn’t even deserve that kind of emotion from me.

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]]> By: henry http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20684 henry Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:25:21 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20684 Blackrose - [The truth is, as much as I miss him sometimes, I know that there is no way my life would be happy with him.] I relate, I don't hate him even if he deserves nothing but that, has been 9 months no contact for me. Slowly I am recovering myself. I think part of the pain of loving a sociopath is realizing we were in love with (our) fantasy, (our) ideal of true love. I have to stop loving fantasy people and love real people. It's work I must do on me - I have to fix me - take care of me. It's like oop's I have had it all wrong - it doesn't work like that.. Blackrose – [The truth is, as much as I miss him sometimes, I know that there is no way my life would be happy with him.] I relate, I don’t hate him even if he deserves nothing but that, has been 9 months no contact for me. Slowly I am recovering myself. I think part of the pain of loving a sociopath is realizing we were in love with (our) fantasy, (our) ideal of true love. I have to stop loving fantasy people and love real people. It’s work I must do on me – I have to fix me – take care of me. It’s like oop’s I have had it all wrong – it doesn’t work like that..

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]]> By: blackrose http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20679 blackrose Tue, 16 Dec 2008 15:35:30 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20679 Thanks for being here. After almost one year of not talking to my ex, I'm still struggling with the hurt. I have gone into counseling, and working on my issues. The best defense against these lesser beings is to educate ourselves so we avoid them in the future. The truth is, that as much as I miss him sometimes, I know that there is no way that my life would be happy with him. I still miss the man i thought he was, but not the real him, because I don't know who the real man is. My hate for him is gone, but I also don't feel pity for him, although my counselor said he's still a dangerous man to me. I have sorrounded myself with a good support system, family and friends who have been very supportive, so it is getting better, and it will get better for you too. Slowly, you will reclaim the little pieces of your soul, and be whole again. Thanks for being here. After almost one year of not talking to my ex, I’m still struggling with the hurt. I have gone into counseling, and working on my issues. The best defense against these lesser beings is to educate ourselves so we avoid them in the future. The truth is, that as much as I miss him sometimes, I know that there is no way that my life would be happy with him. I still miss the man i thought he was, but not the real him, because I don’t know who the real man is. My hate for him is gone, but I also don’t feel pity for him, although my counselor said he’s still a dangerous man to me. I have sorrounded myself with a good support system, family and friends who have been very supportive, so it is getting better, and it will get better for you too. Slowly, you will reclaim the little pieces of your soul, and be whole again.

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]]> By: henry http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20663 henry Tue, 16 Dec 2008 06:02:16 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20663 The more I read the more I just want to give up on a committed relationship - it's all just to confusing - is it just me or does it seem like russian roulette? - I think being a sociopath would be less painful, how do you get rid of a conscience? The more I read the more I just want to give up on a committed relationship – it’s all just to confusing – is it just me or does it seem like russian roulette? – I think being a sociopath would be less painful, how do you get rid of a conscience?

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]]> By: Wini http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20598 Wini Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:51:08 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20598 Hey Matt: My EX loved John Wayne. Go figure? Hey Matt: My EX loved John Wayne. Go figure?

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]]> By: passer-by http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20594 passer-by Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:27:50 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20594 > I’m not sure holehearted is still around, but your response is interesting to a very good thread and article I understand. But I can't start new thread if all I want is to respond to some specific comment. Maybe she will read it, or maybe not. In any case you read it and found it interesting :) > I’m not sure holehearted is still around, but your response is interesting to a very good thread and article

I understand. But I can’t start new thread if all I want is to respond to some specific comment. Maybe she will read it, or maybe not. In any case you read it and found it interesting :)

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]]> By: Matt http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20587 Matt Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:50:35 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20587 My ex is a pure sociopath. However, his favorite book was Machiavelli's "The Prince." Telling, isn't it? My ex is a pure sociopath. However, his favorite book was Machiavelli’s “The Prince.” Telling, isn’t it?

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]]> By: Wini http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20577 Wini Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:45:20 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20577 I don't know about anyone else, but I LOVE getting older. I'm more sure of myself. I like myself. I love talking and exchanging ideas with older folks ... because they have the wisdom that they acquired from living a full life! I don't know how being elderly became a dirty word ... not in my book! Never would I not respect a wiser individual. Never! Peace. I don’t know about anyone else, but I LOVE getting older. I’m more sure of myself. I like myself. I love talking and exchanging ideas with older folks … because they have the wisdom that they acquired from living a full life! I don’t know how being elderly became a dirty word … not in my book! Never would I not respect a wiser individual. Never!

Peace.

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]]> By: OxDrover http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20567 OxDrover Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:35:51 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20567 passer by, I'm not sure holehearted is still around, but your response is interesting to a very good thread and article. We all need to re-read this article from time to time to refersh our memories, especially those of us that are starting to date again. Thanks for your comments. passer by,

I’m not sure holehearted is still around, but your response is interesting to a very good thread and article. We all need to re-read this article from time to time to refersh our memories, especially those of us that are starting to date again. Thanks for your comments.

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]]> By: passer-by http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/comment-page-1/#comment-20565 passer-by Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:05:17 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/12/01/choosing-a-love-partner-beware-of-the-dark-triad/#comment-20565 To holehearted: > this is saying that others should avoid you..that you are somehow not worthy of other’s friendship or love I think that the member of Dark Triad is not worthy of other's friendship or love - as long as he/she is the member of Dark Triad. You wrote that something woke you up, so probably it is not about you anymore, is it? "Somehow" is not an appropriate word here. It's not that such a person "somehow" is unworthy of other people's friendship and love; they are unworthy of it exactly because they make the ones who love them suffer because of that love. Other people are not obliged to suffer just to let the member of Dark Triad avoid his personal hell he wilfully (albeit not intentionally) brought upon himself. > It was always, “Why do all these stupid people get to live happy lives with nice homes and I have to suffer worrying over paying my bills?” It's called envy. But if you are that good, that smart, that funny etc. why do you need to be envious? It means that you are rich, that you have things that really matter. But rich people don't have a reason to envy the poorer ones. > I was not good enough for me. It may be so that you still are not good enough for you. After doing all those things and after finding yourself in the circumstances you are now it's hardly possible to feel that you are good enough. > I feel ugly, old and stupid. Probably that's the way you are. But you can change that except for being old. And being old is relative: probably in ten years you will think that you were young at that time, that is, now. > Now I “feel” for everyone. I think it's too grandiose to be true. Probably you are as human as anybody else, and humans have limited capacity for empathy. I think you are ovewhelmed with feelings that are relatively new for you because you tried to avoid them. > whose son’s girlfriend killed their baby Is she in prison? Or is this the euphemism for having an abortion? Do you really think that 10 week old human embryo has emotions and experiences like a year old baby? Or maybe you just choose to avoid the empathy towards the girl facing for the first time in her life the scary situation when another life inhabits her body and lays claim to irreversibly change her life? > I didn’t want to suffer like these people It's absolutely normal. Nobody wants to suffer. There is nothing bad in that you didn't want to suffer like the people you observed. There is nothing dark in it. But this is not enough to make you behave the way you wrote you behaved. There must be something else to contribute to that your behavior, because when you face another human being you understand that he/she doesn't want to suffer either. And if you are an ordinary human being, there are times when you just can't say: "It's your turn to suffer; it's always your turn because I don't want to suffer at all". There are times when something in your soul makes this stance impossible. Although nobody wants to suffer at all. > How much longer can this go on? It will go on at least as long as you don't agree to be an ordinary human being. By the way, every ordinary human being is unique and has some special talents and abilities to be proud of; maybe you have them too. Maybe you'll find some real reason to be proud of yourself. It makes life bearable. > Thank you for listening. It looks as if you needed some compassion. You have mine, but what will it change in your life? I'm just a stranger, a passer-by in the huge maze of Internet. Maybe the thing you really need is somewhere in your own soul? To holehearted:

> this is saying that others should avoid you..that you are somehow not worthy of other’s friendship or love

I think that the member of Dark Triad is not worthy of other’s friendship or love – as long as he/she is the member of Dark Triad. You wrote that something woke you up, so probably it is not about you anymore, is it?

“Somehow” is not an appropriate word here. It’s not that such a person “somehow” is unworthy of other people’s friendship and love; they are unworthy of it exactly because they make the ones who love them suffer because of that love. Other people are not obliged to suffer just to let the member of Dark Triad avoid his personal hell he wilfully (albeit not intentionally) brought upon himself.

> It was always, “Why do all these stupid people get to live happy lives with nice homes and I have to suffer worrying over paying my bills?”

It’s called envy. But if you are that good, that smart, that funny etc. why do you need to be envious? It means that you are rich, that you have things that really matter. But rich people don’t have a reason to envy the poorer ones.

> I was not good enough for me.

It may be so that you still are not good enough for you. After doing all those things and after finding yourself in the circumstances you are now it’s hardly possible to feel that you are good enough.

> I feel ugly, old and stupid.

Probably that’s the way you are. But you can change that except for being old. And being old is relative: probably in ten years you will think that you were young at that time, that is, now.

> Now I “feel” for everyone.

I think it’s too grandiose to be true. Probably you are as human as anybody else, and humans have limited capacity for empathy. I think you are ovewhelmed with feelings that are relatively new for you because you tried to avoid them.

> whose son’s girlfriend killed their baby

Is she in prison? Or is this the euphemism for having an abortion? Do you really think that 10 week old human embryo has emotions and experiences like a year old baby? Or maybe you just choose to avoid the empathy towards the girl facing for the first time in her life the scary situation when another life inhabits her body and lays claim to irreversibly change her life?

> I didn’t want to suffer like these people

It’s absolutely normal. Nobody wants to suffer. There is nothing bad in that you didn’t want to suffer like the people you observed. There is nothing dark in it. But this is not enough to make you behave the way you wrote you behaved. There must be something else to contribute to that your behavior, because when you face another human being you understand that he/she doesn’t want to suffer either. And if you are an ordinary human being, there are times when you just can’t say: “It’s your turn to suffer; it’s always your turn because I don’t want to suffer at all”. There are times when something in your soul makes this stance impossible. Although nobody wants to suffer at all.

> How much longer can this go on?

It will go on at least as long as you don’t agree to be an ordinary human being. By the way, every ordinary human being is unique and has some special talents and abilities to be proud of; maybe you have them too. Maybe you’ll find some real reason to be proud of yourself. It makes life bearable.

> Thank you for listening.

It looks as if you needed some compassion. You have mine, but what will it change in your life? I’m just a stranger, a passer-by in the huge maze of Internet. Maybe the thing you really need is somewhere in your own soul?

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