Veterans Day wake-up call: Sociopaths as military impostors
PDF Every Sunday my local newspaper, the Press of Atlantic City, prints the names of servicemen and women who died the previous week in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every Sunday, I make myself read the names. It’s the least I can do to honor their sacrifice. Today, Veterans Day, the newspaper printed a story about a local young man, a private, killed in Baghdad six months ago. I’m afraid I couldn’t read the story—it was too upsetting.
Veterans Day was always important to my ex-husband, James Montgomery. He wanted to show his patriotism and commemorate the comrades he lost in Vietnam as a member of the Australian military. In fact, when we met, 25 years after Vietnam, Montgomery claimed he was still affiliated with Special Forces. Military service was an important part of his persona.
This is an important part my upcoming book, Cracked Open, about life with a sociopath. An excerpt follows.
Veterans Day, 1996
In November 1996, James was invited to speak to schoolchildren about the importance of Veterans Day. A few days before the holiday, he went to a sixth-grade classroom in nearby Somers Point, New Jersey. With him were Joe Nickles, who had been an Army drill sergeant, and Bill Ross, who was a local mayor and had served in World War II. The three men sat on kid-sized chairs in the front of the room, talking about life in the military and answering questions from students. A teacher in the back of the classroom operated a video camera, transmitting the presentation to the rest of the school via closed circuit TV.
Each of the men spoke of their experiences in a way the children could understand. They talked about the training and the commitment. They explained what kept them going under fire—concern for their buddies.
A boy asked James a question: “Did you lose any friends in Vietnam?”
James answered slowly. “Yes,” he said, stretching out the word, “and I felt very sad when it happened. That’s why Veterans Day is so important. It’s a time to remember all those served their country, especially those who gave their lives.”
Standing in the back of the room, I was proud of everything James did to protect the rest of us.
When Veterans Day actually arrived on Monday, November 11, 1996, James planned to attend a ceremony in Mays Landing, New Jersey. The previous year, James was the keynote speaker. The Press of Atlantic City reported that he “recounted service-to-the-nation stories about comedienne Martha Raye and retired Major Dick Meadows, who led the raid on Son Tay to rescue POWs.” The local Mays Landing Record Journal ran a photo of him wearing his Special Forces beret and camouflage jacket in the rain.
I was supposed to meet him at the ceremony. But as I was ready to leave, I discovered that James had taken his car keys—and mine as well. After a moment of dismay, I was relieved—work deadlines were looming, and I really didn’t have time to drive out to Mays Landing, stand at a ceremony, and drive back. But my efficient and logical thinking didn’t go over well with my husband.
“Why didn’t you turn up?” he demanded when he arrived home.
“I was going to,” I said. “You took my car keys.”
“You could have come if you wanted to. You could have called a taxi,” he retorted, without acknowledging his own mistake.
I was astounded. “Are you kidding? That would cost a fortune!” I said. “And I’ve got a lot of work. I was better off staying home and getting it done.”
“It appears that what is important to your husband is not important to you,” he said. “Gale understood how important this is. She used to iron my uniforms.”
James stomped downstairs to his office, and I was left to wonder about being compared to my husband’s deceased wife. I felt guilty—temporarily—and then I went back to work.
Never in the military
What I know now, that I did not know in 1996, was that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was never in the military.
From what I can tell, Montgomery had been including military service in his biographical profiles and resumes since at least 1980. He sent me a copy of the “mention in dispatches” report that recounted his heroism in Vietnam, for which he was awarded the Victoria Cross, Australia’s highest military honor. While we were married, Montgomery was active in the local chapter of the Vietnam Veterans of America. In gratitude for his contributions, the VVA gave Montgomery a plaque, which he hung on the wall.
After I left Montgomery, I began to suspect it was all a lie. I got my proof in 2005, shortly before I launched Lovefraud.com. I sent my copies of Montgomery’s military records—and they were voluminous—to an organization called Australian and New Zealand Military Impostors. The organization’s investigators—all former military men—determined that every document was fabricated.
“We hold copies of documents that indicate he has been constructing his false history over many years and we have never before run across such an obviously labour intensive project,” ANZMI wrote. “Montgomery gets the award for the wannabe who tried the hardest to perpetuate his fraud while also being the most incredibly stupid.”
For more on Montgomery’s fake military service, read the following links. If his actions weren’t so despicable, they’d actually be quite entertaining.
Forged Victoria Cross citation (Scroll down to James Montgomery)
Montgomery’s military claims debunked
Thousands of impostors
Unfortunately, Montgomery is not alone. As documented on the Is he military? page of Lovefraud.com, thousands of men and women exaggerate the accomplishments of their military service, or claim to have served when they never did. VeriSEAL.org has exposed more than 35,000 men who falsely claimed to be Navy SEALS. This is especially shocking because only 11,000 men actually graduated from the SEAL training program. And the POW network, which exposes false or exaggerated military claims, can’t even count how many liars are listed on its website.
Some of these people with trumped up military claims are relatively harmless. They just want to seem important when they aren’t. But many of the impostors are sociopaths. They use the mantle of respectability that goes with military service in order to con people. Or, they con the government, stealing military benefits that they don’t deserve.
Almost a year ago, on December 20, 2006, the U.S. Stolen Valor Act was signed into law. It addresses the unauthorized wearing, manufacture or selling of military decorations and medals. Some cases are being prosecuted. The United States Attorney’s Office in the western district of Washington is prosecuting eight cases in which phony veterans have scammed more than $1.4 million.
It’s a start.
Australia has laws against claming false military service. Montgomery could be subject to a fine of $3,300 and jail time of up to six months. The sentence is ridiculously light, but the law is rarely, if ever, enforced.
So by faking the respectability of military heroism, my ex-husband, James Montgomery, scammed over $1 million from myself and four other women that I know about. I did manage to get him fired from his job by exposing him in the Australian media. But so far, James Montgomery, like most military impostors, has not been prosecuted.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Ox Drover says:
WOW Adam’srib,
GREAT POST!!!!!! Wonderful in fact!!!! and as Sky said, ELOQUENT as well.
I am glad that you feel comfortable here posting and expressing your thoughts…I was flamed not long after I came here and I was RAW and that flame hurt, but you know, I am not going to let anyone run me off lovefraud because THEY have a problem.
I am no longer raw so the people who flame me don’t hurt my tender sensitivities any more. I just “consider the source” and let it go at that….
As I have said before we have almost all of us had ancestors who were burned at the stake for their religious beliefs, and we have also probably had other ancestors who lit the fire that burned the first ones….and what ever human folly that can be imagined has probably been done by someone whose DNA runs in our blood, because we are HUMAN and humans do things that are less than noble, but we have choices, and even the psychopaths have choices.
We choose to expose them when we spot them….we choose to not behave that way ourselves…we can’t right every wrong in the world, we can only expose the wrongs we see and know about, and make choices to DO RIGHT to the best of our ability.
Having the LoveFraud community of people who do understand the pain that psychopaths inflict not only on those near them, but to the world at large helps keep us focused on helping ourselves and in helping others in our community and our world.
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Thanks, AR. I think it’s really cool that you have had the opportunity to “seek” in so many different directions. I agree, there is wisdom in each.
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Skylar,
I want to thank you for something you said yesterday or maybe on Saturday. You said “don’t look for a lover, look for a friend”.
That was one of the most important things I have heard in many many moons. It was particularly helpful because I am in a very new friendship with a really nice man and I was nervous about our bike ride yesterday. He is a friend of my SIL and she says he is a very decent, nice guy but still I am SPOOKED and when I read that, wow it just gave me so much peace.
Thank you SKY!!! I wanted you to know how much you helped me out yesterday!
AR
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
You’re welcome AR.
It’s common sense when you think about it. Love makes your head spin, while friendship grounds you. It’s important to beware of the frenemy as well. LL, has told me she was friends for many years with her spath!
And you know Maria Shriver dated Ahnold for about 8 years before marriage. AAARRRGGGHHH!
You gotta walk with eyes wide open. People show their stripes, it’s only us who believe what we WANT TO BELIEVE, like Wendy in Peter Pan, so we end up fooling ourselves.
It amazes me how many times I made excuses for his bizarre behavior. He didn’t even need to do it because I did it for him. I needed to do it to keep my fantasy.
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
One thing I am really dealing with and I HATE it. is I have opportunity to be with a really nice man, and he’s attractive, and I am still missing the narc like crazy. I am craving him and I can’t help but remember the article on that crazy chemistry they have. I need to go back and review it.
My new friend is closer to my age, 4 years older and also in great shape, narc is 17 years older than me!! He’s awesome looking for his age, good body in the gym regularly, gorgeous hair, beautiful smile (caps and transplants) movie star smile. but those hollow eyes and he is just NOT normal. It is so refreshing to be with a man who is NORMAL yet I ache for the ex. YES ARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!
as I bang my head on the wall…
I am thinking it is because I am sexually bonded to him-that chemical thing that Ox describes. I am in NC with him but I swear even tho I know he is A FIRST CLASS TURD, I am afraid I would give into the temptation. I miss him so much at times. What is wrong with me?
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Oh yes Arnie, well add him to the list of out of control politicians.. Doesn’t matter what side of the political fence they are on, they are all SCUM (those who do that to their wives and families). What a jerk….
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
adamsrib:
I will respond to this later. I have to go to the dentist now
I have a lot to say about this subject…
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
thank you….I am really sooo mad at myself right now…
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
I have NOT been with him and I am focusing on my new friend I am just dealing with these residual crazy feelings and I want to rid myself of them so I can move forward with a really good person.
I have prayed, meditated, journaled, vented etc. etc, I just am still missing him and it bugs the CRAP out of me…
thanks for any thoughts from LFr’s. I am in need of support in this.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Adams’srib,
Darling it takes TIME to get over those feelings of “being bonded” and so don’t try to rush things….we get into a real mess when we try to get a baby in one month by getting 9 women pregnant, there are just SOME THINGS that take time to develop! Getting over being bonded to someone is one of those things…doesn’t matter if they die or you break up, it is still a grieving process and takes TIME…yea, TIME….Yep, that’s what I said, TIME….LOL (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
AR
practice thinking of all the evil things he did.
Each time you have a fond memory, you have to pair it with a TRUE memory, in which he was evil.
You know that love and hate cannot co-exist, one was true and the other was a lie. With practice, you will soon remember all those fond memories as “the lies and deception he perpetrated on me.” rather than, “the fun we had.”
This worked like gangbusters for me.
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Oxy, Sky Thanks so much!!
Yes I guess it does take time. Four months I guess is not a lot of time..and I do ask myself questions like why do I miss him? Was it the cheating? Maybe the coldness?…you get the drift and it DOES help. I just need reminders from time to time…that is what I love about LF. We talk each other down and I need that …thanks again…!!
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
and I do have that hall of shame post I wrote awhile back of all the evil things he did… rightly put Sky! I will copy and paste it and email it to myself to read until this passes. It is so ghastly that reading it surely will deter me!
(Report abusive comment)
Donna Andersen says:
Adamsrib,
Relationships with sociopaths are addictive. Literally. They create chemical and structural changes in the brain that are just like substance addictions. So what you are feeling is the addiction.
You have to view this a beating an addiction, just like drugs or smoking.
First, go cold turkey. No contact in any form, ever.
Next, take it one day at a time. With each day that passes, the compulsion will ease.
Finally, do not relapse. Do not feel like you can have “just one” contact. If you do, you will need to start all over again.
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Donna, thanks!!
I thought about you and your new hubby yesterday while on my date. I was remembering an article where you were talking about a healthy man, what he says and does, versus an unhealthy man. That was BOMB!! I was thinking about that just yesterday. My friend is normal and that is GOOD…
Yes an addiction. I will call him MY ADDICTION and I will think of the people I know that have died of heroin addictions-a powerful image…
Thanks again Donna!
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Dear Adamsrib,
Donna is so right, it is a chemical reaction in our brains….an addiction….a bonding….the feel good chemicals.
I quit smoking about 2 years ago, I actually don’t remember the exact date, but I quit smoking and even now once in a while I will “get the urge” to have JUST ONE PUFF…but I know I can’t do it. I have to stick to NO contact with the cigarettes just like I do with the psychopaths…and the desire soon passes.
Your addiction will pass too, but TIME like I said before is necessary to process the changes. (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Thank you Ox!
I sure feel a lot better. I realize I AM NOT CRAZY for missing a TURD!!
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Nah, AR you’re not crazy! It’s just the fact that we want to get it over with—but you just can’t hurry some things, and this is one of them. So just sit back and enjoy the ride! There’s so much to learn and we start out learning about them and end up learning about ourselves….and frankly, I like the “new me” a lot better than the previous version!
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
Haha me too…the new improved version! Thanks!
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
adamsrib:
I’m back. There is nothing wrong with you!! Sorry, your urge might be gone by now, but I am here to tell you it is OK! I feel the same way I hate to admit. I haven’t heard from him in two months, but I have to ask myself what I would do if I did. I remember back to when I was involved with him and how just one text from him could make me think that he must really care about me…how pathetic I was! It is definitely an addiction and one that not one of my friends could understand. I was/am absolutely addicted; there is no question. My friends just didn’t get it. They just thought I was crazy. How could I ever try to explain it to them?? I tried, but it always fell on deaf ears and I just looked like a psycho myself. I had never experienced these feelings in my life and I am old. It’s not like I am 21 or something. I often wonder if I could go to one of those places out in California…those beautiful spa-like places where you get over drug addictions…do they help with being addicted to a person?? I wonder if the spaths realize they are making us addicted?
I am so glad you have a new man. I cannot even bring myself to think about it. I have a very nice man friend who is totally in love with me, but I have known him for 20 years and there is no sex there anymore. But anyway, even the thought of being with someone new…I just can’t do it and that is scary to me. Will I want this other one forever?? I scare myself because sometimes I feel like the good ones are not exciting enough for me; I become bored…Oh God…am I an spath????? Here I am trying to help you, but I need probably more help than you do…sorry!!
Help!
(Report abusive comment)
adamsrib says:
eb thanks so much for the response-it is VERY helpful. Yes I see it now as an addiction thanks to Donna adding a line. It made my day too as someone here said earlier (forgive me for not remembering who-I am wrecked today!)
You pose a very interesting idea-a spa for love addictions that specializes in spath encounters! What a GREAT idea! Donna, maybe you can start one-we will all bombard you on opening day
I AM feeling scared about my new friend. I am so glad that he is shy like me and is not wanting to go further than we need to at this point. Sky’s thought on looking for a friend not a lover got me through the date! I did not even worry about the physical thing-I am still so vulnerable in that area!
I too had the thought “what if I get bored because he is not a bad boy”? Plus I have been missing the addiction (the ex).
I am taking Oxy’s advise and taking it a day at a time!! Meaning the healing AND the new friend! He has had experience with a spath ex too and is just as cautious.
I sometimes worry that I am narc especially worried that others will think that when I talk about my workouts, dates, my ex narc who thinks I “look like him” etc. We are on guard many of us have PTSD. I know that I am a good person who feels love and concern (gets me into trouble sometimes). I’m ok. So are you EB.
Thanks again for getting back to me. You guys are so awesome!
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
92044 and AR,
You both have to realize that the kind of “love” we felt with the spath is NOT normal. It’s just too intense. Don’t look for that again and don’t expect it from a normal man because if that kind of high is what you look for, you will find ANOTHER SPATH.
Take drugs instead. It’s safer. Pass the crack pipe, please!
Edit: and cheaper
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
adamsrib:
You are welcome!
Having a spa for love addicts would be a great thing! Think about it…they have these places for alcohol and drugs, why not for being addicted to a “person?”
Yeah, it’s a very scary thought to think I will never be attracted to someone if they are not a bad boy so glad to hear I am not the only one who feels that way. Sometimes I think I am.
But Oxy just made me realize that I can make MYSELF feel alive again!! I don’t need some psycho to do it!
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
skylar:
Haha, you are so right!!! And you said something that I had actually told the OW in the triangulation. We would have chats and she was also struggling (this is when we were still talking and before I realized that she lied to me more than he did!!). Anyway, that is what I had told HER. I remember telling her that what we were feeling was not normal…that for him to evoke that much emotion in us, it had to be spathic. It just wasn’t normal or right. Wow!!!
I know this all to be true so I guess I will have to resign myself to realizing that feeling that is not normal. I will have to accept that being with a good man will be all the reward I will need; to be with someone who is not going to cheat and lie. We were addicted to their extremely high testosterone levels. That is #10 in the 10 signs. The first time I read that, I about died. It became so obvious to me after that. My spath must have extremely high levels of testosterone…coming out of his pores!
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
If you think it might be helpful to to you, you can google “love addicts anonomous and read the 40 questions section, also the 12 steps. I can tell you that the 12 steps have aided me in this process, right from the get go!
I continue to work them, today.
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
kim frederick:
Thank you! I will do that now
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
I found the site, but I couldn’t find the 40 questions or the 12 steps.
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
Never mind…I found it…thanks!
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
oh my.
(Report abusive comment)
Hope to heal says:
I will 2nd Hens’ “oh my”. and I will add a WTF???
(Report abusive comment)
nolarn2bcop says:
I will also add WTF and no comment to that. I always remember that if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all.
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
oh my
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
Guess I missed that the subject of this blog was bash our service members on MEMORIAL DAY.
What a “winner”.
(Report abusive comment)
nolarn2bcop says:
Katy-you just said what I wanted to say and didn’t
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
NoLarn,
Just proves spaths are lurkin’…. hollow little gremlins feeding on crumbs b/c on this site, we shrink their pickins’ as we heal and pass the healing to others.
Hey, you were saying earlier about chemistry: The reason your dud seemed so real was b/c they don’t have a conscience so anything they say SOUNDS true, they believe their own lies. YOU were the true one, sincere to him, he was a con (pretending to be your friend is a ruse they use to suss you out.) and he’s a real sorry sort looking for a son b/c a girl child wasn’t good enough for him. There are whole governments who are spath in that attitude. BAD pain for you but you did dodge a bullet, or should I say an spath sperm.
(Report abusive comment)
eb92044 says:
KatyDid:
Love it
(Report abusive comment)
Hens says:
oh my
(Report abusive comment)
nolarn2bcop says:
Katy-I did dodge a bullet-big time
(Report abusive comment)
Hope to heal says:
Hens ~ I had never heard that about ol’ Albert before. Hmm, that would explain the quote tho…
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
As would the fact that Einstein escaped the Nazis. Don’t think they had good plans for him…
(Report abusive comment)
Hope to heal says:
KD ~ Wow, I didn’t know that either. I guess I just don’t know much about Einstein at all. I’m sure the Nazi’s would NOT have been very nice to him
(Report abusive comment)
KatyDid says:
You didn’t know the Nazis were in a race against the USA to develop the bomb?
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Did I miss something? I’m a bit baffled by the “oh my’s,” and the WTF’s.”
was there a visiting spath around yesterday?
(Report abusive comment)
nolarn2bcop says:
Kim-someone who I am unfamiliar with felt the need to make a post bashing the military on this thread yesterday, of all days Memorial Day. I went back to where it was posted and it appears as though the post was removed.
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Oh. Thanks for the up-date, Nola. Mine was ne f the last psts befre the oh my’s and the WTF’s, and even tho I didn’t think I’d done anything to offend, I wanted to make sure.
(Report abusive comment)