It amazes me how similar all these stories are!

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I believed, too, that no one else could be going through what we were. It’s comforting to read these blogs and know that none of us are alone.

We were a church family. My husband taught Sunday School for many years. We would put on our church clothes and faces, but it was a facade. Once we got back into the car to go home, we all, my 2 daughters and myself, would sit in our respective places and stay silent. Most times the tension was so thick you could feel it covering you. If I would have just known all those years ago, that I wasn’t to blame and he really does have a problem, I could have spared my children and myself a lot of grief. But we do live and learn and he didn’t kill me, as a lot out here aren’t as fortunate.

There are many who can fake almost anything. I thought he was feeling the same things I was. I heard a very good sermon on that, entitled “Dead men walking”. That pretty much describes it. No empathy, or sympathy. At least for me. My husband could give it to others, but not me. I saw so much hate in his eyes for so long, that once I finally got out working, I was afraid to make eye contact for fear I’d see the same thing in other’s eyes that I always saw in his. He could turn his emotions on and off to suit the occasion. If the calendar called for it, he could rise for the occasion. I prayed for years that God would allow truth and I’ve finally gotten it. I went through years of dark despair, but now that I’m on the other side, it was worth it. I’ll never fully understand, but I’m better for it. Much stronger.

My husband faked heart attacks, imagined he had bone cancer, sure he had a stroke, etc. If I had something wrong with me, he did too. I fell and dislocated my shoulder and tore tendons, rotator cuff. Walked around and worked for a whole year with one arm. Had to have surgery and lots of therapy. But the week after the accident, my husband just happened to throw something into the truck and tore something in his shoulder. He did the doctor thing and they had him take therapy, but I think most saw through this. He mirrored most everything. I realize that now. He wants attention and I no longer give him that.
I think they do things to get the effect and if we react, then we still care.

I had a male friend who did the same thing. His problem was kidney stones. He had so many they could have built a wall with them. Because I didn’t react, he no longer gets kidney stones. It’s hard for me to understand how grown men, who’ve lived longer than I have, have this insatiable need for attention and use ailments to get it. I would react and give attention to something positive that included me.

It amazes me just how many out here I can relate to. There’s an epidemic of men with retarded emotions. Lots of excess baggage, but yet they’d have the nerve to blame it on the woman and her time of the month. Reading these blogs is helping me daily to get over the men who’ve been in my life. Makes being alone so much saner. I’d much rather be alone and have peace and contentment than to be with someone who sees no value in me, but wants me around to use me for sex and services. A waste of precious time.

As far as them being wonderful Christians, if they don’t have the true love of Christ and don’t exhibit true Christ-like emotions, on all occasions, then I’d say they are faking it too. Not to pass judgment on them, but just to feel safe from them.

As far as reciprocation goes, it usually doesn’t unless there’s something in it for them. Won’t initiate a happening, unless it keeps them in the focus. A sad commentary for a life lived. But as they say, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. I’m stronger and so much wiser.

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I spoke to a man whom I believe is a genuine spiritual healer. With my now tainted view of all things spiritual I relayed a little of my story to him. He listened for about five mintues, put his hand on my shoulder and with a softness and compassion in his eyes said “My dear, in every encounter, we have to assess our own feelings. In other words, how does that person make you FEEL. Not what a person tells us how they feel, but how we feel in their presence. We all have intuition and gut-instinct and we all tend to ignore those at times. People could very well make you feel great for a while but on the whole and in the longer term, how do they make you feel.”

Does their ’story’ equal their lifestyle? Does their ‘talk’ equal their ‘walk’? My psycho’s walk and talk are as far apart as the East is from the West and that was the most confusing thing when the well constructed illusion began to fall apart. There was a mad scramble to justify words and actions and in that scramble the excuses, lies and deception got bigger and more ridiculous.

Authentic and real people don’t have to prove themselves to anyone. They are who/what they are and we accept that or we don’t. It is NOT our responsibility to rescue them, or any adult, until we have helped ourselves first. We have all been targets of their sick games and needs. We’ve been food to the lone wolf predator because they chose us … they sniffed us out and chose us because we were caring, giving and nurturing. Most, if not all of us were low in self-esteem and ‘doing’ for another person made us feel like we were making a contribution to something that made us a better person and gave us self-acceptance or validation. Therefore we were perfect targets. We show compassion and even pity and that’s what they latch onto.

As a general rule of thumb, I have noticed there are two things to watch for;

(1) Reciprocation. Sociopaths cannot fathom reciprocation in humans. They are selfish. Test them … do something and assess their level of reciprocation. Do they return a favour? Don’t form a conclusion on one incident. Test them on this a few times.

(2) Weakness/Illness. They will not care for you if you are sick because lacking empathy means they cannot ‘feel’ for you. They will usually tell you to take a pill and go to bed. We, on the other hand would fetch, carry and pamper them back to health … they won’t. Again, test them .. even if YOU have to fake it. I’m not encouraging lies and deceit here but this is a pretty good test for a specific purpose.

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He held me in oppression, for 15 out of 20 years, using religion. Why? because I had a heart who desperately wanted to please God. But, “god” was who I was really pleasing!

About 3 years ago, (7 years after fleeing the fraudulent “marriage”) I was sitting with an wise, old Christian woman while reflecting on my life with him.

“But he laid on his face for hours and prayed over the years…I saw him! and I never had that kind of ambition!”
“Honey, devil worshipers lay on their face and pray.”
“BUT, he read the Bible through, and I have not.”
“The demons were there when it was written.”
“Well then tell me, why he memorized volumes of scriptures and could quote all the references…I can never remember where they are, without a concordance!”
“I’ll tell you dear: he had a need to know them well, in order to use them against you. Let ME ask YOU this, DID HE HAVE THE LOVE OF CHRIST?”

From that day on, I have learned the difference between ‘religion’ and the love of God.

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Another was a church elder, married 3 times, found out he had 5 girlfriends, a wife and a possible illegitimate child somewhere. He tried to sue the person who exposed him by standing up in church and “asking for forgiveness.” Did we mention he’s still passing a serious STD around?

The list of those sociopaths saying they are religious, involved with their churches, temples, etc, teaching Bible study or having online blogs about ethics is endless. It shows they have no shame to use God in this manner. Oh wait… they think they ARE God!

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YUP! You got it! ) I think we are saying the same thing.

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I was just thinking about this this morning. That all this Tantric stuff really attracts psychos. They claim that they are craving some kind of deep closeness and learn processes that are meant to bring people closer together but they can use them to feign closeness and depth with an unsuspecting person.

I read all kinds of stuff about Tantric ideas and it all sounded fine to me but I though this was meant for people who truly love each other and want to be deeper… and not to be used to create a phony sense of closeness.

My Bad Man incident happened in Maui where there are a bunch of flakey foo-foos pretending to be Tantric this and that… healers, psychics, goddesses and whatever. I will be VERY careful about anyone that starts talking about all that foo-foo stuff in the future. And to think, I used to think that all sounded nice and had books on that stuff on myself. They are in trash now.

Healthy people don’t need to bang drums or skip naked through the forest to create an authentic loving bond with someone they love.

Aloha… E.R.

P.S. HAHA! “Sexual Healing” is playing on the radio right now…
I just noticed.

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We were 2-dimensional cardboard cut-outs, set for their purposes, to gain adoration, power, control and or/money. And if they felt like we were drifting away from their clutches (because we were feeding their sociopathic needs and of course they don’t want to lose good food), so they would plot to get our attention … at ANY cost.

They are a big ACT, heartless and soulless. And they lie, lie and lie… and feel nothing!! Apologies are another big act … to keep you there.

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