(Report abusive comment)

Your soon-to-be-ex is making you feel guilty. Make a list of what you SHOULD be feeling guilty about. Should you be feeling guilty for any of the following reasons:
* taking blame to keep the peace
* tolerating his perversions as “acceptable” to make it “work”
* enduring emotional neglect
* enduring the withold/reward tactics
* carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders, alone
* all of the above
* none of the above

“For once he has been trying?” ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? It takes for a threat of divorce for him to finally “TRY?!?!” Oh, the ex spath did the same thing – went to a few marriage counseling sessions, and realized that he couldn’t continue the facade and went back to his patterns with a vengeance.

Finally listened to you when you told him that you didn’t want him to touch you? FINALLY???? Remember the past – the very recent past, Hope. Recollect the sick, twisted, warped games that he played with you up until the immediate past. How many years? And, now – suddenly – he’s had a personal epiphany? NO…..NO……and, NO he hasn’t. He’s playing “The Game” of keep-away. Let’s keep Hope away from recollecting his past, predictable patterns of behavior, toss out the bone of possibilities, and reel in that gaping fish!

Hope, at the end, it was surreal. When I moved out into my own place, the ex spath actually helped me move. But, not before he went through my 5-6 boxes of belongings and extracted everything that he had once given me as a gift. “I bought this – it’s mine,” and so forth. Hell, I didn’t even WANT a Waterford crystal mantle clock, EVER, but he purchased it on an account as a gift for me using MY name! Oh, take it back, you jackass! Take all of it – it’s just Things, and I’m saving my soul from you. A fair trade, in my eyes.

Then, after I had been gone for a couple of months and his first two internet fish had flopped dead on him, he said to me (and, I quote), “Just come back home. Whatever has happened will remain in the past. Just come home.” Remain in the past? My dear god, but he blamed me for generating doctors’ bills when I broke my back, over and over, again. I can remember him clearly screaming at me, “YOUR bills are KILLING us!”

No, Hope. The soon-to-be-ex is not sad in the way that you or I or OxD or EB or One_step or any other member of this site feels sadness. It’s a ploy. It’s a facade. It’s a 100% fabricated ACT. He’s “acting” sad because that’s what he believes is appropriate. When that doesn’t work, he’ll resort to threats, insults, getting mean.

Throw that guilt back in his face, Hope. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You haven’t failed – you did everything short of selling your own soul to make it work. You are saving your very soul and your daughters’.

I’ll walk beside you along with everyone else on this site, Hope. But, you have to take those steps on your healing path under your own power. And, the most important steps for you to take are securing your safety and security by getting that Thing out of your home and your life.

Brightest blessings to you, dear heart. Remember that you are valued, beautiful, and so very, very important to many, many people.

(Report abusive comment)

(Report abusive comment)

AH yes!!!! My P son wrote the trojan horse P that he got along with everyone in the the family, and I didn’t so therefore the problem had to be ME!@!!!!! ha ha ha

(Report abusive comment)

“Sometimes the first clue that you have a problem with them is when people come up to you and ask how you could possibly be so cruel to them.”

Ironically, your first clue is when somebody’s telling you there is no clue. That other person is fine!

I have experienced this so many times, especially in group situations, that I react as with a reflex. Gone in 60 seconds. The whole group loves somebody; the only one she/he has a problem with is ME.

So there must be a problem with me. Right.

Talking about “gaslighting.” The whole world says you’re nuts.

(Report abusive comment)

NOW…..how do we know if these men were the victim OR the PERP.

I am certain all the folks my spath comes into contact with think he was downtrodden, robbed and destroyed by his biatch ex wife and HE is the victim.

I am certain he doesn’t share the real facts with them…..like he kept them secret from his attorney……he will maintain victim status to draw folks in.

IF he was one of those men at your party, the advice you gave them would not be accurate AND provide him another excuse for his list.

SO……In that situation, I remain silent. Most men I meet who are divorced, dont have anything else to say, but ‘I was robbed’ type stories to tell of their ex……and I know not ALL of them are honest about it…..and i’m thinking very few are telling the real truth……most re-write history to become a victim to suck peeps in to their pity ploy!

WHY are they still talking about it years later at a party?

(Report abusive comment)

I can see it now hens…….Flaunt it baby!!!

Like it!!!!

(Report abusive comment)

I agree with Erin Brock in that this could be a great business opportunity for you.

Single, 75, rich, building a new house, AND he likes you.

This new house is going need some trees, shrubs, and flowers to finish it off, and make it beautiful.

Give him your business card, and tell him you would love an opportunity to bid on the project.

Keep it strictly business, though….because it sounds like he’s hot4U.

(Report abusive comment)

I saw something this past Saturday … at a friend’s picnic. I saw pain on so many men’s faces. Of course, overhearing or personally listening to their stories of divorces (years ago) from former wives who took them for everything and left them high and dry with no reason but simply took off with another man … I said one sentence to them “Oh, don’t blame yourself, you know she doesn’t know what love is and therefore, can’t love”. That was it. I didn’t get into detail and overwhelm them with what we’ve learned on this site. The picnic went on for hours … around 11:00 p.m. some of those men made their way over to me in the kitchen (while helping my friend clean up) … and said to me … you made total sense to me. How in the world did you come up with that fact? I just said, it’s not your fault. Stop blaming yourself for your Ex’s bad behavior.

Hey, something good had to come out of all this pain. It’s true though, once you go through this type of devastation, there is a certain look on our faces and when you see another who’s endured the same pain, it’s like looking in the mirror. Then we can reach out and help another member of our society of LFers.

Peace.

(Report abusive comment)

And besides…..can you see the look on your DIL’s face when she finds out your doing her neighbor!!!
PRICELESS!!!!!

(Report abusive comment)