Sociopaths as parents (part 3): Hostility spreads!
PDF Scientists now believe that the set of personality traits that cause sociopathy develops in people with genetic risk. But research also shows that genetics alone cannot account for the presence of sociopathy in our society. Sociopathy is caused by an interaction between genes and environment. In my opinion, many kids are twice cursed by genetics. The same genes that put them at risk also give them at least one unfit parent. This unfit parent creates an environment where the genes that produce sociopathy can become manifest.
In part 1 of this series, I listed several parenting behaviors that foster the development of sociopathy. This week we will discuss the trait anger and hostility that characterizes sociopathy. Nowhere are gene-environment interactions more apparent than in the development of an angry, hostile, suspicious style of relating to others.
Numerous studies have demonstrated that children at risk for sociopathy tend to adopt a suspicious approach during social interactions with both peers and adults. They are quick to interpret the behavior of others as hostile, angry or otherwise malevolent. They are also more likely to propose aggressive solutions to situations that involve conflict. When at risk kids respond in kind to perceived hostility, other children reject them. This rejection serves to confirm to the child that others are indeed malevolent–a classic self-fulfilling prophesy.
I am convinced that this suspicious, hostile stance we see in at risk children is due to their focus on dominance and power. At risk children tend to focus on competition and power as opposed to affection in relationships. If your child is focused on dominance, she/he will appear to you to be strong willed and will not respond well to correction. Many parents respond to dominant children by trying to put them in their place. They thus model aggressive behavior. Engaging in dominance struggles only further activates the dominance drive in at risk children. Dealing with a child’s dominance behavior, is perhaps the biggest challenge parents of at risk children face.
The only tool we have to reduce dominance behavior in at risk children and teens is affection. Affectionate interactions are incompatible with dominance behavior, so, if you want your child to be easier to live with, you have to teach him/her to be affectionate. You have to do everything in your power to give your child the ability to love. When strong dominance motivation is appropriately balanced with empathy and affection, the result is a great leader. Our kids who are born dominant are born leaders if we are able to guide them to have this balance.
I believe the dominance behavior at risk children show is inborn. My son was born with this dominant temperament and I work daily to teach him to love. He is now nearly 5 and does show a great deal of empathy and affection, however, he also shows the dominance behavior I am discussing. For example, there are times when we are shopping and someone gets close to our cart. My son becomes very territorial and says to adults, “This is our cart, don’t touch our stuff!” I promise he did not learn this from me. When we are in public I make it a point to smile, greet people and wish them a good day. Notice, too, that my son is not afraid to confront adults he doesn’t know. Just a few weeks ago, we drove to a local bike trail with our bikes on the bike rack of the van. As I was unloading the bikes, a woman approached me to ask about the trail. Her tone was a little anxious and her expression somewhat dry. My son interpreted her body language and expressions as hostile and said, “Don’t be mean to my mom!”
When these issues come up, I reassure my son and encourage him to give people the benefit of the doubt. “That nice lady only wanted to know about the trail.” I relate these experiences here because I want you to consider what would happen to my son if there was an adult male in his life who modeled the same competitive, suspicious behavior he is predisposed to. I have no doubt what would happen; these traits would become greatly magnified!
Studies have confirmed that nurture magnifies nature to produce antisocial behavior in at risk children. Two of the primary predictors of sociopathy in the children of sociopaths are a hostile style on the part of the sociopathic parent and hostile parenting. Interestingly, sibling to sibling spread of antisocial behavior also occurs via this hostility factor. Last week we received a letter from a mother whose former husband and now adult son are both sociopaths. She expressed guilt over not fighting harder when her son asked to live with his father. She didn’t fight because she also had two other children in the home who were suffering at the hands of their sibling, who was developing sociopathic personality traits. I believe that this mother’s decision, to focus her energy on the children she believed could be helped, likely saved the other two children. In the real world, people who have had children with sociopaths often have to make very difficult, gut-wrenching decisions.
Sociopaths not only model a suspicious/hostile attitude toward others, they can also be hostile toward family members, including children. For children who are not dominant, hostility directed toward them from a sociopathic parent creates anxiety and depression. When dominant children are the recipients of hostility, they simply throw it back or displace it on others. Either way, a home that is not a source of peace is bad for child well-being. In order to learn to love, children must learn to enjoy affection. In homes where anger abounds, children come to enjoy food, various forms of video entertainment, and other escapes, as opposed to really enjoying loved ones. This creates a problem with the pleasure balance that sets these children up to develop alcoholism and addiction later on. When love does not abound in our lives we seek to fill the void…and the result can be disastrous.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
skylar says:
FAD,
You are doing a good job, don’t forget that. These are difficult circumstances. Also be very aware that your son in tuned in to your emotions. They affect him very much at this stage in his life. This is when HIS emotions are being programmed. Take very good care of yourself, be strong, never be a victim, have faith. Your son will benefit.
(hugs)
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FightAnotherDay says:
EB,
I don’t know exactly what you mean.
I think I am most fearful.
I think my anger is fueled by this constant fear.
I got another nasty-gram and I want to know whether I should even bother to say, “I would appreciate it if you would limit your correspondence to issues regarding our son’s health as stated in our agreement.”
Here goes…
“FAD,
I have been getting our son’s hair cut all of his life for the past 2 1/2 years, never once have you mentioned you wanted to be a part of it. I never stopped you from getting his hair cut, and you have had and will have plenty of opportunities to do so. In the beginning you took way too long to take the initiative to get his hair cut, as he was starting to look like a little girl with long curly hair. My son will not look like a girl.
In fact you emailed me stating:
“If you would rather not bear the financial burden of hair cuts, then I will take care of all of his haircuts.”
To me this sounds like you have gotten his hair cut before which wasn’t noticeable, and according to the last sentence, you have no problem with me cutting his hair. I do not understand where this is coming from now.
You say “As his mother, this is a part of his life, which I too would like to be part of.” Well as his “FATHER” I am a part of his life too, and you do not seem to be fostering a loving relationship between he and I, as you constantly deny he and I more time together, even as little as a couple of hours. You keep trying to take more and more time away from us, and now you even tried to not let him go on vacation with me. You need to start thinking of him, what he wants, and doing what is best for him, it’s not about you. Especially regarding his passport, now he will have nothing for his own safety and security to prove his identity (other than his certified birth certificate which does not have a photo). According to my attorney and the law guardian, he was not denied a passport. You are denying him. The law guardian and the judge never made a decision about the passport.
As I stated before I have not stopped you and will not stop you from cutting our son’s hair…
On that note, his hair needs to be trimmed, especially around the edges…If you do not want to, I will the end of the week.”
Ladies, I just feel I am better off diplomatically letting him know where I am (without emotion) then I am building a record of all the times he denied me or went against my wishes.
PS Jr.s hair is SHORT (about an inch) and when his father get’s it “trimmed” it’s white side-walls!
The reason I didn’t get it cut was because he had it cut every 6 weeks and I always thought it was too short (2 inches) never gave me a chance. The one time I did get it cut, it was a free touch up for the botch jobs jerkface was paying too much for.
Additionally you know I never said he couldn’t go on vacation. I just said he couldn’t go out of the country.
Also, since losing his job, jerkface has more time with our son than I!
argh.
(Report abusive comment)
Ox Drover says:
Dear FAD,
Believe it or not, this nasty gram SOUNDS “nice” compared to his usual whines, and the disagreements over the length of the kid’s hair is PEANUTS, and he makes you sound “crazy” and “biatchy” for objecting to it, so like I have said before SAME YOUR SCRAPS FOR THE BIG THINGS, the important things.
I know you don’t like the way jerkface keeps the kid looking like a skin head, but you know the baby doesn’t know the difference right now, so FOCUS on the BIG issues. Focus on jerkface not taking the baby out of the country.
CHILL, darling! I know that jerkface has pushed you to the limits of sanity and keeps you tired and stirred up and that is what he is doing (I think in his case unconsciously–I think he is too stupid to do it consciously) and it is succeeding.
BREATHE, breathe! Breathe!!!! I know your fear is 100 stories high and I can’t fault you there at all, but at this point, you are going to have to take control of that fear for your sake and for the baby’s sake. If you let jerkface keep your panties in your crack for the next 16 years you will be a complete babbling wreck. I know how smart you are, so now is the time to put your ADAMANT on ((((Hugs)))) The hair cut isn’t a tattoo, so chill on the things that won’t last, and focus on the things that are bigger fish~ Love Oxy
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FightAnotherDay says:
Yeah, Oxy.
I spend most of my time “sane” but have found I am developing quirky coping habits such as staying extra busy (physically) and pouring myself into my students. Being a better teacher, but also worrying more about certain kids ie: sticking up for the pip-squeeks and nailing the bully’s, and taking an interest in the wall-flowers. All good things, but I know I am just distracting myself with from all “this” here.
Should I even bother to say to jerkface, “I would appreciate it if you would limit your correspondence to issues regarding our son’s health as stated in our agreement.”
or just stick to facts?
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skylar says:
FAD,
I have to admit, that it’s hard to respond to your situation. there is so much drama. You know that Drama is what feeds him, right? He has to be starved to death or you have to do what sometimes is done to an ant colony: instead of sugar, feed it asparteme. The worker ants grab the fake sugar and take it to the colony and they all die of neurolgical problems.
Nutrasweet is the name.
In my humble opinion, (ok, not as humble as it should be), you have given him too much REAL information. He knows what bothers you. The spaths are story driven characters. they live on stories so you have to give him one where he is the hero and (coincidentally) he is doing eveything you want him to do. LOL. It’s a lie, I know, but what choice do we have when a child is at stake? No drama, unless it leads to a win for you! Get it? He needs drama, you need a win. thats the trade off, but don’t make it obvious, his win is your loss/tragedy. Fake it. Make up a story, make it real, add all the details, create all the characters required. Onestep can help you, she’s been through that crap beyond anyone else, here. They are addicted to stories. Use it to your advantage.
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kim frederick says:
FAD, This is classic. Bury the real issue in a pile of bull shit.
IE: haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. haircut. passport, cause I want to take our son out of this country, haircut, haircut. haircut.
Translation: I will blame you for anything I can; even something as trivial as a haircut, so that I can distract you from the real issue, shich is that I want to have absolute control, and I want you to be duped into complying with that control, because you feel so guilty about the trivialities of a haircut, haircut, haircut.
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kim frederick says:
While i know, in reality, it’s probably better to not respond at all, this one really got my goat, and made me want to play.
Get back to him, and focus sooooooooo much energy on Jr’s haircut…..drama, drama, drama….but doo not address the real issue, at any price…..do not discuss passport….backspath! Play totally niave, like the real issue is haircut, haircut, haircut.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
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kim frederick says:
One step,
back at ya.
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kim frederick says:
What happened to my sweet, loving little Grandson. A year ago I never would have believed this two year old tyrant would emerge from my little love bug.
Talk about dominant behavior. His 3 year old sister can not have anything in her hands without his biting scatching hairpulling to get it away from her. Temper tantrums from hell. A couple of days ago he cried, screamed and howled for 40 minutes, after his parents left for work. He would not be comforted or distracted…any attempt only made him madder.
He has looked at me with that scarey sociopathic stare that is absolutely full of contempt. If I give him a time out, he screaches at the top of his lungs, inraged, and has now decided to simply not comply…getting down out of the chair in defiance.
It’s hard to feel affectionate when he’s behaving this way, and it brings out the control freak in me…I get so angry at this dominance behavior, I just want to snuff it out. I have to win with this little spath…LOL…but he is adament, and his will is astounding.
My own three children entered and exitted the terrible twos, but I never saw anything like this. My other 4 grandchildren never had wills like this. The entitlement is incredable. If he wants it, He should have it, and he will fight tooth and nail to get it, in spite of all else. Nothing else matters.
He is the youngest of 4 kids, and they are surprisingly good to him,often giving in to him, which probably doesn’t help.
I know that this is probably a developmental passage, and probably normal, but, sheeeeesh. It’s a lot to handle, and sometimes I want to throw him out the window, especially since I’ve had run ins with spath men my whole life and recognize the dominance drives so well. Help.
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Masada says:
My daughter used to have monster tantrums and nothing I did worked. So…one day she threw herself on the floor, as usual, screaming and pounding her fists. I decided oh what the hell, and laid down next to her and screamed and pounded my fists. She was so startled she stopped the tantrum and stared at me. It worked! From then on that’s what I did, her tantrums were cut very, very short, and we made it past the terrible 2′s (and a bit into the 3s). Can’t do this in public, unfortunately
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kim frederick says:
Masada, thanks.
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Ox Drover says:
FAD,
I agree with the gals in a way, about making jerkface think that you are concerned with the hair cut, etc BUT at the same time, you do NOT WANT TO PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING that makes you look like a “nut job” unreasonable person concerned with TRIVIA, because in the end, ALL thiis stuff will eventually end up in COURT and you can BET YOUR ARSE that EVERYWORD YOU PUT IN WRITING WILL BE IN COURT eventually.
SO you have to keep in mind that he is NOT THE ONLY PERSON who will see this shiat.
In principle, I agree that he needs a WIN on something but at the same time, you do NOT want to look like a nut job concerned only over trivial things and overly concerned at that, otherwise you end up like THE LITTLE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF, and people will not listen to you when you DO SEE A WOLF.
So think carefully about what you PUT IN WRITING.
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kim frederick says:
Sage advise, Oxy.
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skylar says:
FAD,
whatever happened to your son becoming a model? Didn’t your dad decide that would be a good idea?
It would at least give you an excuse to not give the spath more hours with him while you work. And of course, it would give the spath something to sabotage that you really don’t care about. That’s the key.
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skylar says:
Kim,
I love Masada’s idea. I do this to children too. It’s very manipulitive but it works. I used to do it when I was 14 and babysat infants. When they started to cry, I would look into their eyes and cry back. Then they would just stare at me. It works because it’s not what they expected and it distracts them as they try to regain the upper hand (which infants naturally have).
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tobehappy says:
Kim….My middle child would have tantrums screaming
“Everyone be quiet!!!”, in resturaunts,etc. And, funny thing, people WOULD. She was 3 yrs old..big for her age…blonde hair, rosy cheeks, blue eyes. She looked like a convict holding up a place.
Well, long story short…I researched her symtoms..and had a professional diagnosis…Sensory Integration Disorder…which is on the autism spectrum. Fast forward…with speech therapy and also lots of intervention on my part…some accomodations…she is now the sweetest, most sensitive, loving and braniac smart 15 yr old you ever met. (She is “possible Asperger’s)
My friends/family said..”Put her on meds…she’s like her Dad…etcc….”. I didn’t pay any mind to them. I KNEW what she had…and I treated her accordingly. She was germaphobic, OCD…and her “tantrums” were meltdowns from overstimulation!!!
So, sometimes we have to look deeper into WHY a child is screaming….and deal with the CAUSE ..not the symptom.
Hope this helps.
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Ox Drover says:
I found with little kids who cry over a tiny wound, if you really made a big deal over their “terrible wound” they will look at you like “what the heck?” and quit crying and go back to playing. LOL So sometimes different tactics work with tantrums or out brusts too. Sometimes just acknowledging that the kid is TIRED, UPSET or whatever “I can see you are upset, Susie, what should be do about it?” Then let them have a say, and then you might suggest, “thank you for that suggestion, Susie, but I think what you and I should do is leave the table and go sit in the car until you can regain control of your behaviior so that the rest of the family can eat their dinner and the people at other tables can eat quietly as well.” Then take her to the car and sit until SHE can control her behavior. If that means she doesn’t get to eat dinner (or you don’t) that’s okay, neither of you will starve.
Some kids that works with and some other things works with, but whatever you have to try to get the child to police their own behavior. A friend of mine who is a therapist said to me the other day “you know why we can control our kids? because they ALLOW US TO.” I thought that was very profound really.
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FightAnotherDay says:
HELP,
Here is my issue.
I have squelched my true self TRYING to BORE jerkface. He has seen no emotion from me vie e-mail or in person EVER.
In the Pediatricians office I am kind and professional, a loving doting mother.
During the 1 minute I see him to exchange our son I am placid/aloof.
In writing I am always matter of fact, sticking to the facts.
It has been over a year and he will not bore, he continues to up the ante.
ie: when he CHOPPED my son’s hair because he ‘looked like a girl’ I NEVER let on, NEVER said a word. Six more awful, botched, JR. hair stylists later…NEVER did I speak.
THen he SHAVED HIS HEAD.
He STILL did not get an emotional response from me, I was STILL placid when he handed me my BALD son.
but my attorney addressed it.
ANd he STILL cut it SHORT again.
SO i decided to put in ON the record that I want a say in his haircuts.
Jerkface always gives me grief about how I do not involve him (although I always do!)
I am not taking this well. I stress out so much about the way he paints me (with his words) as such a bad mother and I never stick up for myself or correct him when he is wrong.
I fear I am sabotaging my, SELF my integrity.
BY not saying what I need to say, that I am denying my true self.
He puts lies in these e-mails and I NEVER correct him.
I live in fear if anyone were to read them, (and no one really will) that they will believe Jerkface because I have NEVER corrected him.
Why must I continue to suffer (real pain) for gagging myself with NO REWARD…he continues to UP the ante, and now I live in fear that because I didn’t give him a passport, which he obviously REALLY needs, I will pay.
(I will NEVER allow my son a passport.)
I am just saying I don’t know if gray rock is the answer.
I have so many pent up emotions and fear that all these times I have spent swallowing his lies, I have begun to believe them!
Oxy has always told me not to respond or else he’ll up the ante, but I think Skylar is right because if he NEEDS this drama as a smokescreen for his current girl friend (AKA the whore) to keep her in the dark and distract her from his true self (Soul Stalking: discusses this), he will create and find as much DRAMA as he needs REGARDLESS of what FAD does!
So, I need help. What can I do?
PS: The modeling agency thinks my son is great, so the modeling is a GO,
but how do I tell Jerkface without him PINNIng me for sending an agency photos of Jr. without his consent? (I had to do this to see whether Jr. could even be a model)
Do you see how much stress and fear I live in!?!!!!
My therapist says I have PTSD.
Last night I sent Jf an email telling him what I really thought (just the facts though) and now I am panicked by the thought of checking my e-mail….just awful.
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Masada says:
FAD, it seems to me the key here is that you feel you’re denying your true self and sabotaging your integrity and it still isn’t working–your ex continues with his stuff regardless. Maybe there’s a middle ground between gray rock and full blown interaction? Maybe a quiet correction of the lies, a ‘just for the record’ kind of thing, very calm? If the ex loves drama and won’t back off despite your not feeding him, I don’t see it’s done any good. If he continues to up the ante this is probably the way it’s going to be, at least for a while.
What concerns me the most is how you feel; feeling as if you are denying your true self is not good. But neither is a huge reaction. Maybe put your anger down on paper, your pent up emotions need to be expressed. And see if you can’t find the middle path, kind of a both/and? As far as checking your email, if he reacts badly to what you wrote, step back and breathe. I think you’ve been through bad emails before, it won’t bite you!
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skylar says:
FAD,
cool! your son is a model!
Ok, gray rock works when you need them to go away, but it’s too late because he already knows you and knows what gets to you. Besides, you can’t get rid of him for 16 more years.
So you have to do what spaths do: create drama. but make it fake drama. And don’t go over the top and make yourself look crazy. Just distract him. will write more later.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear FAD, (((((Hugs)))) Darlling I have NO DOUBT that your therapist is right, and the continual, constant high drama that you have been in and the reactions to this UNREMITTING CARP is enough to push you over the edge.
Sugar, believe me when I tell you I KNOW WHAT IT IS TO WANT TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM THESE LIES—but the problem is that defending yourself from them, ARGUING with JF is going to make you look crazy—but LET HIM MAKE HIMSELF LOOK CRAZY by being above it all and aloof! I know that is driving you crazy right now, but MOST OF HIS E MAILS and his whining and so on sound like he is crazy, but if you argue with him, it makes you look even carzier. There is no way you can stir chit and not get it on you.
Sooner or later the e mails and communication will go to court or a therapist and the thing is that you need to make sure that YOU don’t look crazy by YOUR OWN WRITING. His writing is NOT going to make you look crazy, it is only your own that can.
Don’t worry bout “defending” yourself from his slurs and his lies.
I also suggest that you forget about the “Junior as a model” stint, and I’ll tell you why. Right now you need as little STRESS as possible and trying to manage a career for Junior is MORE STRESS that you do not need. Just MHO! I can guarentee that JF is going to make ANYTHING you do along that line hell on earth for you and raise more problems. More problems is not something you need right now. I’ve seen photos of your junior and he is a doll but managing your own life, recover, healing and taking care of your son in spite of jerk face is more than a full time job! AGain, just MHO.
Keep on with the therapy and keep praying and give it some time. JF does love drama, but remember what Gavin DeBecker says “don’t respond because he will figure if you respond after 30 tries that is how many times he has to keep on” Yes, he will up the ante, but you must continue to NOT respond, eventually he will slack off when he has another kid with her or something else distracts him. Hang on darling and don’t give up. ((((hugs))) and my prayers for you always!
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skylar says:
sorry FAD,
I only post when I’m alone so sometimes I have to log out really fast. It’s just part of not being able to trust anyone anymore.
I can only tell you from my own experience that the only time I ever won against the spath was by making him think I was doing/thinking one thing and then suddenly showing up doing another. They plot and plan, so you cannot reveal how you think or whats important to you. It’s why I shut down when my BF walks in the room. I trust NO ONE.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Sky,
Why are you with somebody you don’t trust? Wouldn’t it better to be alone?
SC1
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skylar says:
No SC1,
this works for me. If he is good then great, if not then he is part of my study. I will keep my integrity and be honest.
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kim frederick says:
FAD, they do up the ante when they don’t get a reaction. A reaction reinforces their behavior, and the most effective reinforcement is intermittant, which means he doesn’t always get a reaction, but if he keeps it up long enough, and tries hard enough he will. As Oxy reminded us, according to Gavin Debecker, if it takes thirty times to get a reaction, once, the next time he’ll be willing to exert his pressure 50 times, because you have intermittantly reinforced his behavior.
Any reaction gives him an in, and he sees it as a victory.
There are certain pat responses you can train yourself to make…but always with little to no emotion. You can shrug your shoulders and say, “suit yourself.” You can say,”I’m sorry you see it that way.” You can say, Do what you gotta do”. You can say, “I understand what you’re saying, but I’ve made up my mind.” “I’ve made myself clear, on that point.” etc.etc. etc.
There is a great deal to be gleaned from googling phrases like, “How to deal with manipulation,” or how to handle difficult people”. Lot’s of techniqual advise.
I know you feel that you aren’t being true to yourself, but you are. This is self-preservation. You want to eqtinguish his bad behavior, his drama and manipulation. You can not let it feed on your emotions. JM2C. I hope it helps a little.
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kim frederick says:
Thanks, to all who advised on my GS’s melt downs. His parents give in to him a lot, and I told them I was at the end of my rope with the temper tantrums. They have begun the time-out tact, so that I am not the only one using it, and it seems to be helping. (Some days are better than others.) He is at this minute screaming because he can’t have a candy-cane. I told him, “after lunch” but he wants it now.
Our empathy can be exploited, even by a 2 year old.
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FightAnotherDay says:
I have been thinking about acting like the haircuts and modeling are a big deal. I don’t actually care that much about either one.
The hair cut issue makes jf look like an arse.
The modeling is just a distraction. if jf wants to drive to shoots and auditions he can.
Oxy’s right. I don’t need more responsibility right now.
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FightAnotherDay says:
Oxy wrote: “His writing is NOT going to make you look crazy, it is only your own that can.”
I am too short and simple with my responses.
I won’t make ME look crazy.
About the hair I wrote:
“I will get his hair trimmed next weekend.
Thank you for the opportunity.”
And to his concern about our son sleeping in (I think he was covering his arse for NOT putting Jr. down for a Nap)
I wrote:
“He went to sleep, only an hour later than his usual bedtime.
I don’t know why he would have slept so much.
And if he slept till 10:30 am I don’t know how he could have fallen asleep in the car on our way home.
This is also unusual.”
I felt better about voicing my concern about him not having a nap (without saying so) since I felt he was trying to blame me for Noah’s exhaustion. (IF he slept till 10:30 with or without a nap he should not have fallen asleep at 3:45 pm) BUT i then feared his response (since he HAS to win)
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Ox Drover says:
Dear FAD,
As long as you RESPOND to his nit picking he will keep picking nits, your writing didn’t sound (at least in that instance) crazy, it is just that as long as he is going to throw in all these nitty picky “details” and you respond, he has had his REWARD—NOTICE FROM YOU. This is not, I think, about the baby, but about YOU NOTICING JERK FACE, he must have your undivided attention, and he has the perfect hook to get it, the baby, and whatever he does he will rationalize it as “being a parent” PUKE!!!!!
Your Jerk face offends ME so much I want to go hurt him for you! LOL ((((hugs)))) He is sooooo typical and such a pain in the arse! LOL
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FightAnotherDay says:
So, Oxy, you think I should have just written (what I originally had); “He went to sleep, only an hour later than his usual bedtime.” PERIOD.
?
Then I was thinking I’d backspath him, by asking him
“You said his hair need to be mostly trimmed around the edges.
When I take him to get his hair cut, should I just ask the hair stylist to take off a little all over?”
You think he just wants attention, and NOT necessarily (at least) a REACTION?
PS: Oxy, you think my e-mails sound crazy?
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Ox Drover says:
Dear FAD, No darling I don’t think you sound crazy, but if you react every time to all the small things or if you put up a big fit about the hair cuts, when Jerk face is wanting to get a tattoo for junior you may have used up all your “credit” with the court or your attorney by complaining about hair cuts on a 2 yr old which I really do not believe is a MAJOR THING and I don’t think most judges would either. I know it is important to you, but what I am saying is that in the LARGER SCHEME OF THINGS IN THE WORLD, a hair cut (or even 10 hair cuts) is not going to warp or injure your kid at 2 yrs old.
If your son was 15 and wanted to grow his hair out and daddykins took him down and forceably shaved his head, now we are talking a different thing.
Daddykins comments about the baby “not looking like a girl” is I think daddy’s problems with his own manhood, and again,, the control and ATTENTIOn he is seeking I think.
I think jerkk face wants ATTENTION and/or a REACTION, and he really doesn’t care which one he gets as long as you do not ignore him. He wants to quarrel and discuss and prove to you that he is as much in charge of the baby as you are. The baby is a possession I think, a LEASH to tug on your neck and keep jerk face tethered to you so that you cannot escape.
You think all this attention seeking is bad, wait until you start to date again!~ LOL
Just keep the written interactions as brief as possible is my advice, and make sure that you do not argue with him (that’s attention) just concise and precise and through the journal if possible.
Hang in there darling! You are doing so much better than you were a year ago and you know you are! ((((hugs)))) and always my prayers for you and junior.
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lesson learned says:
FAD,
My exPOS ex wife handles it very well I think. The advice Oxy gave you is absolutely CORRECT. THEY WANT/LOVE a reaction. The child is his possession. And that’s ALL it is. My ex’s kids are now teenagers and he uses money and the disneyland dad crap to suck them in and to get at his ex. She just blows it off. She refuses contact unless it is time to pick up/drop off, the children. She emails and keeps it short and sweet. She does not give into any BS that may create arguments.
TOTALLY gray rock. It pisses him off!!! LOL, countless times I’ve heard what a bitch she is and how SHE is using the kids against HIM LOL!!! GOOD FOR HER!! She just doesn’t give a rats ass what he does or how he does it. She’s happy in her life and she doesn’t let him get to her. Period. IT doesn’t matter anymore.
Good LUck.
LL
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FightAnotherDay says:
Argh.
We went to court and now our son is in day care Tues. and Thurs.
Jerkface watches him (acting as daycare M, W, F,
I am a teacher and have had snow days T, W and NOW Friday.
As primary I have our son because I am not working.
Now he is asking to have him when the conditions improve.
1st, its silly because Jr. naps for 2 hours out of the 4 jerkface has suggested. (he probably didn’t consider this as I don’t think he provides our son with routine),
2nd sorry, it’s my day, I don’t need “day care”. It is also my weekend so this is my friday anyway.
Gulp.
How should I respond to his request other than remind him Jr. will be sleeping for half that time?
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FightAnotherDay says:
I have consulted with my attorney and wanted to share this with you.
If you have followed my past ramblings about my feelings of denying myself and my fears of jerkfaces lie-filled e-mails you know I am stressed (understatement) about hims “framing” me.
My attorney assures me that while being flexible with the agreement will make me look “better” in court, the reverse: following the agreement to a “T”, will NOT have the reverse effect of making me look bad.
She also recommends that I NOT react to or “engage” in his rhetoric.
She said that if he ever wanted to submit his e-mails as any sort of proof that I am, for example: alienating our son, he would have to present FURTHER REAL proof of such.
She said not to worry.
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bluejay says:
FightAnotherDay,
I’m happy to hear that your attorney could help relieve some of your anxiety, hearing from her that you don’t need to obsess about what your ex say’s. I had a therapist (who works with children) tell me that when you’re dealing with an anti-social personality disordered individual, it’s equivalent to dealing with an alcoholic – there is always going to be unwanted drama. I am still learning what to react to and what to dismiss, so you’re not alone. Take care.
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