3 steps to leave a sociopath and start healing
PDF It’s easy to fall asleep at the wheel on the road of life. To lose consciousness under the seeming weight of sorrows, trials and tribulations pounding you into the dirt. To forget to open your eyes to the wonders passing by. Everyday living has a numbing effect on reality. However, if you’re in relationship with someone who resembles the label of a sociopath, psychopath, narcissistic personality disordered or any other disorderly letter of the alphabet, it’s even easier to forget who you are and where you’re going. Staying awake drifts from your mind as you are drained by the numbing effect of his abuse. The deeper your drift, the further waking up races from possibility.
When we’re in an abusive relationship, we’ll do a lot to avoid waking up, including sleep walking our way through each passing day. But, sleep walking can be deadly. One day can lead to one year which can roll into a decade. Decades pass and you wind up living life on the edge of consciousness, one eye on the door waiting to see what comes in. The other eye is searching for an exit sign, hoping for an opening where it’s the right time, right day, right place to step away, step free, get going away from his abuse. If you are in a relationship where your reasons for staying revolve around slamming doors, fear rising and freedom vanishing, it’s time to wake up and ask yourself, What am I doing?
Yes, it’s hard to leave. Yes, there are 101 reasons why you can’t do it. But, whether you do it today, or do it in a year, the children who keep you there, the financial stress that holds you back, the fear that keeps you shaking, will still be there. Excuses endure. An abuser endures too.
An abuser will do everything he can to make you believe it’s all your fault. He’ll do whatever it takes to convince you that you cannot leave him. Don’t believe him. He’s lying. It’s imperative you face the truth. Prince charming has turned into the prince of darkness. It isn’t some ‘other guy’ hitting you. It’s him. The man you fell in love with. The one who promised to love you ’til death do us part.’ He just forgot to mention, he took the ‘death part’ really seriously. Remember, you didn’t create the monster raging in front of your eyes. And you are powerless to stop him being who he is. Your power lives in stopping his abuse in your life by stepping away from the source of your pain. His abuse.
To end abuse, you must wake-up to its reality
Waking up from abuse isn’t easy. But then, sleep-walking through life is no way to live free of abuse.
Being in an abusive relationship isn’t easy, either, nor is leaving. This isn’t about what’s easy. It’s about what is right. For you. For your children. For your future. It would be nice to keep believing that he has all your answers. It’s just not true. Nobody, regardless of what the abuser says, has your answers. You do. Nobody has the right to tell you where to go, when to go, where to sit, what to wear, what to say. Nobody has the right to tell you who you are. Abusers assume the right and we assume they’re right under the weight of their abuse.
Facing the truth that we have the power to change the abuse in our life, but not the abuser, can be terrifying. It puts us at the centre of our existence, and after having lived so long on the periphery of our lives, it’s frightening to wake-up and claim centre stage. Yet, it’s imperative that we wake up to the truth. It could be a decision between life and death.
Wake-up and make a difference in your life
There is a way to wake-up from the nightmare of abuse and live the life of your dreams. Here are some steps you can take to make a difference in your own life and let go of the difference abuse is making in keeping you stuck in the living nightmare of someone else’s crazy-making antics.
Step 1 No More Lies
Stop and really listen to yourself. Are you afraid? Are you repeating all the bad things he says about you again and again in your head? Are you frightened of speaking up, speaking out, standing up for yourself? If you answered yes, then it’s time to quit lying to yourself and everyone else. What he’s doing is wrong. It isn’t normal. Quit trying to justify his bad behaviour. Quit making you the reason he hits you. You’re not. Quit being the victim of his abuse. When the voices of self-doubt rise up, remind yourself, those are his words speaking, not my truth. Find your own truth. Let go of his lies.
Recently I was working with a woman who had finally left an abusive marriage after 16 years. A single mother of four children, two of them with serious health issues, she struggled with the responsibility of accepting, in staying for those 16 years, she had made choices that affected her life and her children’s lives. But I was a victim, she said.
I’m with Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear). The first time someone hits me, I’m a victim. The second time, I’ve made a choice to be there. With that first hit he gave me a clear indication of all that he was capable of. In staying, I chose to ignore the warning. I chose to make a decision based on escalating anger, behaviours that I knew were out of whack with ‘normal’. Behaviours that scared me. I stayed because I was too afraid to leave.
The woman and I talked about her fears of being accountable in having chosen to stay.
“But that means I asked for it,” she said.
“No.” I replied. “It means you made a choice to believe the unbelievable after he hit you once. You chose to believe, he’d never do it again, thus making it acceptable he’d done it once. At no time, however, does it mean you deserved it. No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to be hit or screamed at or called names. That behaviour is not about who we are, it’s about who they are and what we’re willing to accept. You never deserved to be hit, and you never asked for it. You chose to stay. When we accept responsibility for our choices, we empower ourselves to make different choices.”
That is the gift and power of no more lies. We quit denying our role in staying and applaud ourselves by having the courage to leave.
Step 2 Let go of someday thinking and never say never
Let go of someday thinking and never say never. There is no such time as someday and never never happens. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you think in someday terms? Do you say to yourself, “Someday I’m just going to get up, pick up the kids and walk out of here. I don’t care if I have a penny to my name, if I don’t have a job. I don’t care what the neighbours think or what he says, someday I’m not going to take this anymore.”
A woman I worked with decided one day that she had had enough. Eleven years into the relationship she woke up one morning and realized, he was never going to change. He liked things just the way they were. She packed up her twins, ran to a shelter and has never looked back.
Three years later she says, “I didn’t have any money when I was with him and I didn’t have any money when I left. Nothing was different the day I packed up except I let go of thinking about someday and did it now. My life is way better than it ever was with him. I still don’t have much money, but I’m not being abused. And without his angry outbursts and unpredictable behaviour, I am able to make plans, go back to school, get a job, take care of my twins. I have way more energy and I know I’m going to be okay. I didn’t know that when I was with him.”
He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t have to. And all the wishful thinking in the world will not make it happen someday.
Give it up. Let it go. Shake it out and quit planning on someday. Start planning on the date when you get free. Set a date. A timeline. A target. Plan. If you fear for your life in leaving, don’t tell him anything about your plans. Just do it. There is no such time as someday and never never happens.
Step 3: Find help
We suffer abuse alone – except for our children of course. They’re part of it too but we try not to think of that very often when we’re rationalizing staying for their sake. Mostly, however, we suffer abuse alone, especially in our heads.
We repeat again and again what he said, what he did, what we didn’t do. We talk about if only I had… We think about, one day, maybe. And then we suffer silently in our heads.
To leave, you need help. Get it. Don’t make excuses. Don’t say, but he’ll find out. He’ll know I’m up to something. Be as secretive and cautious as you must, but get help.
After I was released from the living hell I endured for 4 years 9 months with the abusive man who went to jail and is no longer in my life, I realized, he knew I wouldn’t lie to him. He knew I couldn’t lie to him. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did and said.
He made sure to paint the picture in such a way, I believed he did. Sometimes, he’d phone and ask, “Is there something you need to tell me?”
“I love you,” I’d quickly reply.
“I’m serious. Is there something you need to tell me?”
I’d rack my brain. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” my voice more hesitant.
“You know I hate liars. You know I need to trust you completely.”
I’d pause and look back over my day frantically searching for a transgression. Oh no! I’d had lunch with a male friend from work. How did he know? Quietly, I’d tell him the truth. And then I’d apologize. I’d hang up and wonder, how did he know?
He didn’t. He was just really good at making me feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.
I needed help. I never looked for it. Every time I thought about leaving, of contacting someone for help, I’d remind myself of all the lies he’d told me. My phones were tapped. Men were listening in. Watching me. Tailing me. Taking pictures of me unawares. I’d remember the times he phoned and told me he liked the dress I was wearing that day. How did he know? I hadn’t told him and hadn’t seen him. He didn’t have to see me. He didn’t have to know the actual dress. As long as he kept me guessing, I’d never wake up to the realization he’d never actually described the dress I was wearing, just said he’d liked it.
I never went for help. Never reached out. Never asked. I almost died. And through it all, I never gave up my magical thinking that one day, someone, somewhere would make it all stop. Make it all go away. Make him love me again. Make him be Prince Charming again. Make me okay. Maybe even, make him forgive me for having caused so much trouble in his life.
It never happened. I knew what was happening to me was wrong, but I could never face the truth. In running from the truth, I ran into his lies and believed I was the cause of his bad behaviour. I was just the recipient. I was never responsible for his lies. Just my own when I quit believing the truth of what was happening to me, and bought into the lies he told me. His bad behaviour could never stop as long as I stayed with him.
Ask for help. Get informed. Google ‘how to leave an abusive relationship’. There’s lots of ideas and help online. Make sure you look up what to do to erase your Internet footprints. Make sure you keep yourself safe. And DO IT. You have to take the steps to get free. No one else can do it for you.
Leaving him isn’t easy. Healing takes time, but healing cannot begin until you get free. Whether you do it today, tomorrow or five years down the road, healing will always take time, but it can’t begin until that moment in time when you close the door behind you and leave him and his abuse in the past.
Do it and start healing.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
one_step_at_a_time says:
polly –
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Polly,
I’m glad things are going well for you, and I hope everything works out well—FRIENDS FIRST!!!! Keep your P-dar on alert and watch for the red flags. Low and slow! If you find yourself getting hooked too fast, come here and I’ll boink you on the head a time or two to slow you down! LOL
Wonderful fall day today crisp and slightly overcast! But a great day! I sold the last of the airplanes my husband left. Lost my arse on it as it was outside during a hail storm a year or two ago, got damaged, but I GOT RID OF IT!!!! So that makes a good day after all! Still didn’t catch the skunk in the trap, but can’t have everything happen in one day!!!!!
Oh, did anyone besides me see Americda’s got talent? who do you think will win? To me it is between the little girl and the blues man, I think Poppy Cock blew it (I agree with the Brit on this one) and the college kids ARE good but Don’t think they will win. Loved their act though! They are as good as the Blue Men.
Great talent this year, my favorite was the two kids that ball room danced! The way she fell and got back up and went on. GREAT kids and only 12! The 10 year old girl singing opera in such a clear adult voice is amazing. I think she really is an angel because no human could sing like that! Not betting on anything though!
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geminigirl says:
Dearest darlin oxy,
My older spath D. ticks 11 of these 13 boxes!
Guess this proves beyond reasonable doubt [If I was in any doubt!] that she is a dyed in the wool Spath.!
Do we need these sick people in our lives? NOT!!!
Love,Gem.XX
ps Did you like my condom joke?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
just spent the last hour printing stuff for the DA. will have to do it one more time, and put things on a disc for him also.
will have all email from the sewer evil bitch put on an external hardrive and out of my computer.
one step closer. happy fake death anniversary ppath!
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pollyannanomore says:
Wow you ladies really look out for me
Shucks! Like having a gazillion mamas and big sisters all around the world lol My Pdar is fully functioning – believe me. I’m taking in everything with a grain of salt and checking things out for myself.
I said to a friend the other day “I used to meet men in younger days and be all worried about what they thought of me. Now I think to myself ‘what do I think of him’?” It’s a complete 360 turnaround for me.
I guess I want everyone to know that normality is possible after the spath. It’s not the same as before because you remember everything and are on a higher state of alert, but it’s so far removed from the space I was in a year ago when I thought I would never get over the destruction the psycho wrought on me.
Even if he’s not ‘the one’ (and who can know what’s around the corner?) I now know KNOW that I can engage in an adult relationship, be real and honest and still be okay. It’s a good learning for me. I thought I was damaged goods after the spathing.
One Step – good for you! Handing over all that crap will give you space in life for good things to come. And taking a stand on what happened to you will hopefully prevent it happening to others. Brave move darling, but if anyone can nail that b**** it is you
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geminigirl says:
Guys,–Ive shared with Kathleen Hawke on another thread how shes just given me a real “AHA!!” moment, re the metaphor of feeling sorry for the hungry Lion, and then realising it wants to eat YOU!!
But its more than that. You know how things change, things shift? I woke up this morning, feeling different. Like a huge load lifted off me. More than that even, like this black,toxic sludge had covered me for 30 years from head to toe,Id finally sloughed it off me.
And the name of this toxic sludge? SHAME. and GUILT.
{as it turns out, FALSE shame and guilt which Ive allowed thm to dump on me for years and years}
All the bad feelings that every spath in my life up to now had tried to dump on me, from my Mum, to my chauvinist brothers, to ex boyfriends,to my ex fiance, to my ex husband,to my spath daughters.This morning I finally felt
this toxic sludge had evaporated and I was FREE.!! I realised that theyd dumped all of their bad feelings on me, and innocent or ignorant or both, Id let it happen.Now I know better! Now I know I didnt deserve it, and dont deserve it again EVER.Knowledge realy is POWER!! When you know better you DO better! I have my spath radar on now, and am determined never to let ANYONE dump this slick black stuff on me EVER again!!
This really is a PROCESS and Im getting there! Halleyluya and Towanda to us all!!{Have any of you ever had a moment like this,an Aha moment?}
Love,
Mama gem.XX
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chinagirl says:
I was reading some posts above…continuing to learn more and more and to make sure that every move I make is a smart one. I’ve learned so much the past year. A lot from LV, a lot from looking within and owning my own stuff about why I was with my now x spath. Even about my anger from all of this and how I have been using my anger as a defense. In some ways the anger is just a feeling and something I need to face and walk through. In other ways it is a problem for me. I am having negative consequences from my anger. Something I ask my clients when they have behaviors they continue to do that keep them from moving forward is what is their payoff for continuing the behavior. I asked myself that question over the past several days and I think that I am using my anger as a way to keep people out. If I keep people out then I can’t get hurt. My anger has given me a kind of energy, but it is an energy that isn’t doing me any good. It is zapping me of my “self”, of who I really am and I am turning into someone I don’t like. That’s opposite of what I want to do obviously! I started to feel like my brother, who acts however he wants and is just crappy to everyone. That’s not me. I have always been a very happy person. This whole process has made me realize how many people in my life have hated the fact that I am a happy person. I see this now because I am almost doing just that. hating people who are happy because I am so unhappy because of all this pain from the spath…2 spaths my ex husband and my brother. I used to think something was wrong with ME when unhappy people would give me a hard time for being happy. How messed up is that? But I see it now. Someone who is not having a fun time in their life doesn’t want anyone else to. I see that is how my brother acted towards me. He is an angry guy and it has infected his entire life. Most of his anger is completely irrational, too. But that is a different story. I don’t want to be like him or like others who are chronically unhappy and ticked off. It’s killing my soul. I’m losing friends. I’m behaving in a way i don’t recognize.
It is MY choice to do something about this, tho. I think I have been saying for the past several years that “I can’t help it. see what I have endured?” Ok, yes I have endured a lot. But who hasn’t? Life isn’t fair. And I’ve expected it to be totally fair. I shouldn’t be accused of things I didn’t do. (and it is a tough one for me because I grew up with a mother who constantly accused me of doing something so I became defensive, trying to prove I did nothing wrong). My defensiveness has turned me into a big fat baby! LOL. Today i realized that the choice is mine. Do I want to sink further into the abyss inside my anger or do I want a life again? when I am with clients I feel so calm. It’s a strange word to describe my work but it shows me I am right where I am supposed to be. I don’t want to lose that. yet I’m struggling with how to heal from this. The article about 8 ways to recover I am getting through those…about half way down but I go back and forth through some of them.
I want to lose this anger. I want to be nice to people again. I don’t want to be a road rager, someone who can’t say hi to a sales person or who is so put out if someone does anything I don’t like. Its pervasive and I hate it. So I am going to try doing something that I learned a while back (but hate the saying….)and that’s fake it til you make it. I never quite understood it but I’m going to do all the things that I would normally do and what happy, kind, peaceful people do and I am sure that eventually I will come to believe in myself again as the happy, nice person.
The reason why I started this thread is that I was reading about No Contact above. It got me to thinking about how much that has been a part of my healing. It wasn’t until i went no contact with my ex that I began to feel sane again. I have a question about this, however and I hope I don’t forget it…I want to just re-emphasize what others have said about NC. It works and it is necessary. We MUST be NC. I have a child with x spath and I’ve done it. I text, email only his current wife about my daughter. and it’s working. (Sometimes I think she is now getting it with him, and sometimes I want to say something to her but I’ve learned that lesson. she knows she can talk to me because when they first got married his first wife and I both emailed the 3rd wife telling her the truth and even with 2 ex’es telling her what he is capable of she didn’t believe us so my advice is don’t do it if you think it’s going to help. No one will listen until they’re ready and we told her that no matter when if she ever needed us we would be there). My x tries to mess with me in every way possible and this must be difficult for him because I’m no where now for him to bully. He doesn’t know where I live or where my office is. The only time he kind of had contact was when I heard from the therapist that is going to do the supervised visits (some of you know that pathetic part of the story….the courts believing him! Even with proof) telling me he only agreed to allow me to see my daughter one day a month for one hour. see what an ass he is? I have to drive 3 hours one way and he drives 15 min. and he could easily let me see her every weekend. But this isn’t about what is right or good for my daughter it is about him bullying, having power over, controlling, hurting, inflicting pain. that got to me so it felt like “contact”. I had to get over it quickly and try to make it into something positive like “ok its a start and it is only temporary”.
So my question is this: First, the background is I got an email from someone ,supposedly a new client, asking me about my practice. The grammar in the email was similar to my ex s because when he writes to me he is the ONLY one who write my name and then puts a period after it. it is an anger thing for him so it is like Chinagirl. You need to……blah blah blah.
When he makes that period i can feel him just slam it down! So, the email was addressed to my last name as Mrs._____. period. Werid first of all he didn’t use my credentials which most clients do, or say Ms. or first name. Then the questions were somewhat normal but also a bit odd. And asking for the address of my office (I don’t have it on my website for a reason and will give it to clients when I know it is a serious potential client) and he asked me my fee schedule but that was normal, except for he was writing “for” someone. He said he had a relative who lives in my city and needs this treatment. the overall feeling for me was this is my x spath trying to find me and have contact. I felt it. I knew it. But I also didn’t want to blow off a potential client so i answered it as professionally as possible without giving away I thought it was him and without giving away info I don’t want him to have like where I live and how much I make and where my office is. Oh, he also asked if I have any colleagues, a very weird question because he had written it as though he was referred to ME. (My x has called my friends, a guy I dated, my old work to give them info about me and sabotoge me and my work)
He then responded with thanks for the info and then asked the questions again! Where is the office, how much. I then just wrote back a terse but professional email saying I will be happy to give the client that info but will not give out any more info via email. and didn’t hear back at all. it’s been a month.
Ok, I know this is a long post…but the question is do I continue to answer these emails that I think are from him based on the ‘format’ of the emails and my feeling? It seems as if I end up having contact then and it blows what I am doing with the NC except it could be a potential client.
I am not being paranoid and I am sure you all understand. He has literally called my work, a guy I was very serious about 2 years ago and the guy broke up with me, and my ex has gotten ‘results’ so he feels invincible, omnipotent with his bullying me.
I appreciate feedback and I just want to remind new people that NO CONTACT is vital to healing and taking back our power. I need now to understand more how to go forward since at this point I have the legal system against me and I am in a defensive position. I’m making sure I think everything through and make smart decisions. I reacted out of my emotions before and ended up making things worse.
thanks again.
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Redmorrigan says:
Just something I would like to share,that I have written, it has helped me with my healing,
I free myself from the chains that have bound me to you
I lift from myself the weight that I allowed you to put upon me
All the dreams that were just illusions
I see them fall into dust
for they were never real
I take myself back
All of the parts given to you are now mine
I will walk lightly
without fear or pain or doubt
no more burden of trying
I have not failed
for I will fly with wings unbound
and eyes unclouded
I will hear the song of my heart
without the static of lies
Peace, joy and courage are mine
I leave the darkness to walk in the sun
And be free
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Chinagirl,
First off, I think your RADAR is pretty acute! GOOD FOR YOU!!! I have no doubt that you are right about who the e mail came from.
As for answering those e mails that you think are from him or might be…Do you have a telephone number that someone can call your on (your clients)? You might even get a “go phone” and keep it just for when you think it is HIM CALLING or one of his plants.
He may not try this tactic again. But you never know. I would keep my radar up and be cautious. But that does not mean you have to be “paranoid” or hyper vigilant all the time just CAUTIOUS in a protective but not “paranoid” sense. If that makes any sense.
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Redmorrigan says:
I wrote the previous piece to help me with my recent split with an npd that I have been involved with for 4 painful years. I probably wouldn’t have stayed as long as I did, but we have a child together. Thankfully we weren’t married.
Anyway, I read this every day, as affirmation for myself, for the sake of myself and my children. I will never live with those chains again, and neither will they.
I really hope this can help other people.
Blessings
Morrigan
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Red,
Thanks for sharing, VERRRRRRY nice!
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bluejay says:
Redmorrigan,
Thanks for the wonderful poem. Its speaks to me.
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chinagirl says:
Thanks for a beautiful poem Redmorrigan. The last line….Free. YES!
Thanks, Oxy. I am going to get an office phone and I have my cell phone. I have no idea when he or a plant would call me but at this point he doesn’t. Some how it appears he has gotten the message that I’m not going to respond to him and if he emails me about my daughter I am thinking that I will respond to the question, for instance about a time to meet her, to his wife and ask her to pass on the info. I am trying my best to remain no contact. It was amazing how just hearing from the therapist that he is allowing me only one hour one day a month to see her was a huge setback for me psychologically. It took me 2 days to get through that anger! But like I said without groveling or beating myself up whenever I hear anything negative I will reframe it into something I can learn from it or make it positive in some way. sounds trite maybe but its better than the alternative….more anger!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Red,
That has me getting out the Kleenex! How wonderful!
Thanks!
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bluejay says:
chinagirl,
I relate to your post about anger. I could be wrong, but your ex seems a little more devious than mine is (which is awful for you). The way I am these days, if I suspected that an e-mail was coming from the ex (he was being sneaky, trying to get information from me about myself), I wouldn’t respond. There are plenty of clients out there for you to treat, so not replying to his e-mail(s) will not be a loss for you. It seems like your instincts are right-on (speaking to you) – you’re wise to pay attention to what your gut is telling you. Bravo.
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chinagirl says:
Geminigirl-you and I are having some “process” moments apparently! Good job! proud of you, and proud of me!!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Let’s have a group hug… and say….. Hang in there!!
{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
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chinagirl says:
bluejay, thanks. Well, I’ve just started my private practice a few months ago and do need clients! But one loss won’t kill me….and I think I’ll be able to tell if it is him again.
Wow, if you want to hear devious my ex is a piece of work.
He is a physician. I know I’ve said that but it fits to know that for this next part….I was filling my wellbutrin rx when I first moved away from our house and from him and into the city. The pharmacist calls me and asks me to come in. I thought well that is weird. So, he takes me a side and says “What is your relationship with Dr. ______?” and I said, oh, we are separated getting divorced. And its a messy one. The pharmacist said, “Well look at this. In 20 years of doing this work I have NEVER ever seen something like this and I had an idea that he is being vindictive”. And he showed me a letter on my ex’s letterhead (with all his credentials of course) and my scanned photo! (It was a pic of him and me and he cut himself out of it…my gosh) and the letter said “If this woman …and he gave my name and maiden name and said and any other aliases…comes in and tries to pass off a prescription from my office call me immediately”. something like that. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He actually ended up having me flagged and the pharmacist said he felt badly for me and that it could possibly be a big deal if I ever tried to get a prescription for a narcotic or benzo or whatever… I said I wouldn’t take those anyway but still. It was my ex trying to act like I was writing fake scripts and saying I had aliases! yeah, my alias is my maiden name!
the stories I could tell about this guy and his family. His porn addiction was disgusting. When I met him I had so many red flags and I was in a mindset that I thought I needed him which is so crazy because i had taken care of myself for many years. i didn’t need him. But when we first had sex when dating i remember thinking there is something wrong with this guy. it was really odd to think that, right? And sure enough, I blew it off and later on after years of marriage when I finally went to therapy and forced him to come with me basically the therapist asked him at one point if 1.) he ever felt his mother was inappropriate sexually (And i am thinking yes yes yes…she sexualized him very early on and 2.) the therapist thought he might have had sex with his sister. and again my thought was YES. I thought the same thing. His sister stayed with us for about a month once and she followed him to every single city and state he moved to since he was 19. (she was then 30, he was 33 at that time) and we had a nice house, she had her own bedroom, tv, bathroom that I set up so she could have privacy if she wanted and watch tv in her room, etc. and we left for a weekend get away and when we came back our bed was all messed up and there was cracker crumbs in the bed. on HIS side of the bed! she had slept in our bed where he sleeps. WHAT the hell? I remember being furious and told him he needed to deal with that. He said to me, “Well, yeah, you go ahead and say something if you want to get on her shitlist” meaning if I want to set boundaries she’ll be pissed and he can’t have that. There are so many of these yucky and crazy stories about his family. And his dad is a dentist and he is a dr.
I am sure we all do this now during our healing but I look back at 12 years ago or so and think of what I was do before meeting him. My life was great. I was a little depressed because I really was tired of being single and I had broken up with a guy who had given me a ring and we had been together four years. he was a liar and I couldn’t be with him. And i waited before dating again and then met my now ex. My life was going along just fine. working, making decent money, doing some traveling, had friends and dinner parties….lived in the gulf and just was having fun. Not too many worries. then I met him and little did I know what would happen.
Well, I’m taking up the entire blog today! Got off on a tangent. But we’re moving foward, right? Together, with support and care we can get through this.
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tobehappy says:
Hey Guys…
Does anyone know of a free reverse phone lookup site that really tells you who the caller is for FREE.
THe ones I checked gave only the locations.
THanks!
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bluejay says:
chinagirl,
I just want a NORMAL existence (that’s what I’m striving for) without thinking about the h-spath each day. We all have stories (weird ones) to share, gettiing so tired of the nonsense. My brain is constantly thinking, replaying my life and coming up with people I’ve known in my life (or heard about), wondering whether they were sociopaths. It’s got to stop on my end, putting my brain to better use (thinking about more uplifting things). In your case, I feel badly for you and your daughter – that you and she are not free to have a relationship – it has to be monitored and controlled by your ex.
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skylar says:
Has anyone else ever seen this face on a sociopath?
this is EXACTLY the look on my xP’s face when he cried.
I also saw it on my spath neighbor (his girlfriend).
Amazing how they do this and it gives them away. http://seattletimes.nwsource.c.....ing26.html
In this picture, he has one eye closed because he is wiping it and the other eye is looking to see whose watching the performance. With my xP, he could do it by just scrunching up his face and looking down, but then one eyebrow would go up and you could see the other eye scrutinizing my expression.
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Ox Drover says:
Sky,
That is a GREAT ARTICLE, not just the photograph. I personally think Bill Clinton is a full blown psychopath, and I am personally acquainted with a woman who says (and I believe her) that he beat and raped her during his tenure as governor here in Arkansas. During this same time, there was blood sold in CANADA from the Arkansas prisons, AFTER blood from prisons was forbidden to be sold. This resulted in several hundred cases of HIV and AIDS (you can look this up) but no one was ever prosecuted for this though there was a clear trail of money from the prisons back to the governor’s office for the blood sold knowingly from prisons.
The Monica scandal is only the tip of the iceberg as far as I am concerned about Bill Clinton. I think His “tears” are as phony as everything else about him…and as for the “other Clinton”–all I can say is they are a perfect pair AND DESERVE EACH OTHER in my humble opinion.
Bill was dubbed “slick willie” here in Arkansas a long time before he got to Washington, and he is definitely SLICK! He can slither out of lots of hot spots. Typical politician I think.
TEARS!!!! Like a crocodile weeps! Right before it bites your head off.
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aussiegirl says:
CAmom:
Please, please, please write down the history of this harassment from the spath in chronological order. Attach photocopies of any letters, text messages, etc. that he has sent you. Leave with or post copies to your immediate neighbours and the police (where you lived and where you have moved to, if that’s what you have done by now).
This is no time to feel shy, humiliated or embarrased for yourself by his revolting behaviour. Cover yourself, okay? Make sure the police in particular know that he posted you a will – keep and copy envelopes with their postmarks (date/location posted from) as well; sometimes that can be more important than what’s inside the envelope.
I wish you safety and peace. x
pollyannanomore:
” He’s so different to my usual ‘type’ – good career, …logical and yet emotionally expressive and thoughtful beyond words … little gifts that mean something to only us. The best part of all is that we can TALK – for hours and hours about anything and everything and we can disagree and it’s not the end of the world.”
I don’t want to rain an your parade sweetie, but this description of your new man fits my ex-spath to a tee. Just be careful, okay?
In my case is was the bait for a trap that only began to show itself 2 years in.
“I remember with the Psycho that he didn’t want to talk about previous relationships that had failed (wonder why!), but we have openly discussed our pasts and what we’ve come to learn as a result. We’ve also discussed our upbringing and turns out we had remarkably similar parenting with a high emphasis on morality and accountability”
This too, scares the hell out of me for your sake. In my case, the spath was “casing” me and mirroring back my set of values to entrance and hook me. Discussions about my former relationships were later used to wound, the spath having intimate knowledge of exactly what else would work on me, in addition to the repetoire he already carried. Discussions about his former relationships mistakes were used as quasi-confessions to make him look like a perceptive and sensitive guy, aware of his own failings. He used these talks to platform changes he was “making in his own life” as a consequence of “making mistakes before”. Confessions had an element of truth, so that they were always believable. When his ex spat at me that I “needed to know about some things he had done”, I calmly told her that we had “already talked about all of that; I had heard his confesssion”. I was wrong.
“I was honest with him the very first night I met him about my reasons for going slowly and he has been really sensitive to that. ……He has ensured he is reliable and keeps his word – if he says he’ll call at a certain time, he calls right on the correct minute.”
Darling, so was mine. At first.
“I’m really enjoying spending time with him. I like his mind and his morals and I love how he’s so interested in what I think and feel. ….. I haven’t found an intellectual rapport like this before though and it just adds to the chemistry! ”
Ditto.
I hope from the bottom of my heart that I am wrong beyond belief. Please just be soooooooooo careful with your self. x
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one_step_at_a_time says:
aussiegirl- CAMom’s spath killed himself a few weeks ago. she is going through a difficult process now, trying to claim what was willed to her.
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Ox Drover says:
.
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aussiegirl says:
Poor darling girl
And also such a relief to know that he can’t hurt her anymore once this mess is sorted.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi aussie – it’s been really hard for her. she knew him a long time and he was a bad one. i am so relieved that he is gone.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
I agree with aussie. poor girl!and One also! It’s really quiet on LF tonight. I hope ErinBrock isn’t without power and smothering in snow. I fell alseep early and now I can’t sleep. I hope a panic attack doesn’t set in.
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shabbychic says:
notcrazee, yes, poor thing, I hope she is doing ok. I wonder if CAmom is in southern CA, I could meet her for coffee!! EB must be sitting in front of the fireplace with her glass of wine right now! Sounds nice. I had a chocolate attack earlier.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
SC,
Where is EB? I saw earlier that Oregon got massive snow. And her posts last night she was running around like I do when a hurricane is coming.
That would be nice if you could meet with CAmom.
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shabbychic says:
Yeah, last night she said she is prepared for a lot of snow! It would be nice if CAmom was somewhere around me!! She mentioned that she has made friends at Starbucks, I see people hanging out at S-bux but I don’t stick around, feel silly.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
SC,
why would you feel silly @s-bux?
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
PS. Had to check the map….. YEP Queen B is right in the line of snow mess! I hope she is OK and enjoying her fire and wine!
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shabbychic says:
Um, I would like to hang out there at S-bux… but don’t know anyone! I guess I don’t go in there often enough. I would feel silly if I tried to start hanging out with people I don’t know! LOL.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
SC,
LOLOL! I think alot of us feel that way. and that stands in our way of getting out and meeting new people. i was talking with a neighbor that is an spath survivor too and she has been here 20 yrs. she said she needs to get out and meet people and she said she is taking a new view of it… she is now looking at it, if she just moved here how, where would she get out and meet new people? That’s a good thought. What do you think? as far as s-bux, go in when it’s slow talk to an employee and get friendly and become their regular and it will spread from there.
notcrazee1
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shabbychic says:
I have joined a couple of “women only” groups on meetup.com … it is a place to find people in your area that have similar interests, i.e. hiking, kayaking, knitting, movies, food, whatever! It’s a really cool website. Lets see… with the 2 groups I belong to I have gone to the horse races, movies, picnics, free concerts, etc. The last few months I have not participated, so really need to get back in the GROOVE!! It helps that I live in a large city because there are so many meetup groups it boggles the mind, but I have a gf that lives on the east coast in a small town and I told her about it… but she could only find a couple of groups nearby (which she wasn’t interested in joining).
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Being in South Florida, I’m sure there are plenty here. I just haven’t checked. With facing this nightmare and knowing that i need understanding and healing, I have stayed in my shell. I feel that is part of not being taken advantage of becuase of vulnerablilty right now. I thought I had trust issues before spath…… boy OH boy….. I’ve got them now!!!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
PS. there is a meet up group here for spath survivors, but it is too far away for me right now. heck with all the crime going on down here… I won’t stop at the grocery store if the Brinks truck(money truck) is parked outside, won’t go inside a bank lobby, won’t go to a convience store after dark and the only reason I get out at night is to go to a community meeting.
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shabbychic says:
I know what you mean, I haven’t gone to a meetup group lately, I don’t know why, just didn’t feel motivated to go. Plus you’ll notice that I only joined groups that allow women! No pressure! I am going to start working again in December, so maybe getting out of the house will help me become NORMAL! LOL. I have good days and bad days, and on the bad days I don’t feel like doing anything! I actually do volunteer work at a wild animal sanctuary… and that has help me a lot, met some good people, I rake leaves and scoop up poop!
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ErinBrock says:
Hey guys…..still got power, still got snow, still got fire…..still got wind!
EB needs a MAN today!!!!!!
This snowblowing and hauling wood is MANS work!!!!!
I’ve shoveled the decks…..twice……I’ve blown the driveway……twice……I’ve brought up 2 more loads of wood…..twice…..
I NEED that wine!
I sat down at my computer at 9pm…..and fell asleep, just woke up…yikes!
Who needs a gym when ya got life!!!!
Chic….you turned me onto Meetup. Infact TODAY was a wine walk….(couldn’t make it down the hill….and besides….who wants to walk with wine….IN THE SNOW).
I’ve gone to a metaphysical meetup……kinda like a spiritual life is great….believe it group. not really my thing……but it was a neat group of peeps.
There is also a meetup group in PalmBeach Florida for survivors of sociopaths.
they do teleconferenceing participation.
Anywho…..i’m dreading looking outside….not really ready to blow again before bed.
I come in like a snowman. Hair sopping wet.
It’s blizzarding out there…..I was pretty proud of myself….I blew the driveway and a bit of lawn part and a WIDE area at the front door……the kids just blow paths, I went BIG. To increase parking if I rent out the MIL quarters this year.
I was thinking of CAMOM today too…..did a search for her to see if she’d shown up on LF recently. I hope she’s okay…..I hope she’s not holding the guilt bag! I think of her often and wonder how she is doing. I wish she’d check in and let us know she’s okay.
I’m heading off again……i’ll be around, through the weekend….in and out.
XXOO
EB~ (thada B Queen to you!)
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shabbychic says:
Jeez, that is man’s work! But, I enjoy doing my yard work around here, although it’s nothing like clearing out snow and hauling wood. The fire and wine sounds wonderful. I don’t have a fireplace and I REALLY WANT ONE!! So when I win the lottery, I will buy a beautiful home with 2 fireplaces! LOL!! It’s only about 50 degrees here right now, so that would be balmy weather to you. So… be careful out there! It’s late!! In fact I demand that you stay in the house and have some wine!! LOL. See ya, Queenie!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Wow Queen B!
Glad to hear from you! Seems like you have really accomplished alot today. Hire a man… don’t trust one!! LOLOL
Glad you still have all the survival immenitites. I need spellchek! LOLOL Pat yourself on the back for all that you have done!!! Don’t forget to put the glass of wine down first!
XXOO back atcha!
Notcrazee1
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shabbychic says:
Oh, here’s some more spath speak:
“I like to cuddle” means: I want to have sex.
We NEVER cuddled! And I pointed that out to him.
What a slime bag. They will say anything!
He drove by here Thursday, and of course i had to be
standing outside when he did. It’s been 2 months and I figured
he forgot about me because I won’t jump in el sacko with him anymore
He tried the cuddle thing on me and I told him he’s full of shito.
Talk about scooping poop!! He’s the biggest piece of it.
I need a backhoe.
Well, I’ve taken my sleeping pill so I can get up early and go scoop poop in the morning.
I hope it’s not raining, I don’t have a rain coat! I looked for
something cheap at Target this evening, they didn’t have ANYTHING!
AAArrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!
Good night! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxxoxo
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
SC,
we were typing at the same time and thoughts were the same about mans work LOLOL!!!!
As far as my climate a/c is on 78 and running. A little warm for this time of year.
As far as a fireplace,,, nice to set the mood BUT not good to depend on for heating a house. i had my experience with spath with that..OMG… I did man work to TRY and I mean try and stay warm in an old POS house that was like trying to survive in a tent in the snow!!! Hauling wood, stoking fires, 3 layers of clothes!!!
A fireplace will have it’s “novelty” again in my mind but not for survival!!! That’s rough!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
You go SC!
keep the guard up! to bad he is near you and can stalk you. Is there anything you can do about that? that is why I ran as FAST AND FAR as I could away from him. he was no longer gonna one up me! I lost alot of personal belongings to this idiot. What does he think/feel when he looks at them? I know…. NOTHING! they feel nothing!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Sweet Dreams SC!
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shabbychic says:
sweet dreams to you too, sweetie!!!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Thanks SC and Queen B. I think we typed me out of a panic attack! I hope all are OK and rest well!
XXOOXXOOO
soimnotthecrazee1!!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
EB – CAmom is doing a bit better. Long difficult road with spath’s family and the will. She’s trying hard to turn her life around.
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luv716 says:
Everyone, I still have no contact with the S. I’ve been dating this new guy its close to three months since we been talking, ok, it started out cool, its been good to have someone show me some interest, want to see me often, an that want to speak daily on the phone to me, we havent had sex, we kiss more than a few times, but here is the thang he been in prison for 10years, (drug dealer) he’s institutionalize, he don’t like to be in a social settings, when we go out it has to be small crowds only, he expect me to call at a certain time, when I dont he get upset, he is very paranoid, ok here I am feeling sorry trying to fix a wrong trying to have a real relationship with someone that don’t know how, at the present moment he not talking to me because fri I came home went to bed early with a headache, he wont return my call or text but yet I’m feeling sorry for him because he’s alone really don’t have anyone and set in his own ways that seem to be bitter and mad. I thought from the whole ordeal with the S that when I see the red flags it would be easier for me to say ok thats enough, but its not. I see them and still feel the need to help and try to hold on to the wrong type of person. Do this change as time pass or is my kindness really a weakness?
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