3 steps to leave a sociopath and start healing
PDF It’s easy to fall asleep at the wheel on the road of life. To lose consciousness under the seeming weight of sorrows, trials and tribulations pounding you into the dirt. To forget to open your eyes to the wonders passing by. Everyday living has a numbing effect on reality. However, if you’re in relationship with someone who resembles the label of a sociopath, psychopath, narcissistic personality disordered or any other disorderly letter of the alphabet, it’s even easier to forget who you are and where you’re going. Staying awake drifts from your mind as you are drained by the numbing effect of his abuse. The deeper your drift, the further waking up races from possibility.
When we’re in an abusive relationship, we’ll do a lot to avoid waking up, including sleep walking our way through each passing day. But, sleep walking can be deadly. One day can lead to one year which can roll into a decade. Decades pass and you wind up living life on the edge of consciousness, one eye on the door waiting to see what comes in. The other eye is searching for an exit sign, hoping for an opening where it’s the right time, right day, right place to step away, step free, get going away from his abuse. If you are in a relationship where your reasons for staying revolve around slamming doors, fear rising and freedom vanishing, it’s time to wake up and ask yourself, What am I doing?
Yes, it’s hard to leave. Yes, there are 101 reasons why you can’t do it. But, whether you do it today, or do it in a year, the children who keep you there, the financial stress that holds you back, the fear that keeps you shaking, will still be there. Excuses endure. An abuser endures too.
An abuser will do everything he can to make you believe it’s all your fault. He’ll do whatever it takes to convince you that you cannot leave him. Don’t believe him. He’s lying. It’s imperative you face the truth. Prince charming has turned into the prince of darkness. It isn’t some ‘other guy’ hitting you. It’s him. The man you fell in love with. The one who promised to love you ’til death do us part.’ He just forgot to mention, he took the ‘death part’ really seriously. Remember, you didn’t create the monster raging in front of your eyes. And you are powerless to stop him being who he is. Your power lives in stopping his abuse in your life by stepping away from the source of your pain. His abuse.
To end abuse, you must wake-up to its reality
Waking up from abuse isn’t easy. But then, sleep-walking through life is no way to live free of abuse.
Being in an abusive relationship isn’t easy, either, nor is leaving. This isn’t about what’s easy. It’s about what is right. For you. For your children. For your future. It would be nice to keep believing that he has all your answers. It’s just not true. Nobody, regardless of what the abuser says, has your answers. You do. Nobody has the right to tell you where to go, when to go, where to sit, what to wear, what to say. Nobody has the right to tell you who you are. Abusers assume the right and we assume they’re right under the weight of their abuse.
Facing the truth that we have the power to change the abuse in our life, but not the abuser, can be terrifying. It puts us at the centre of our existence, and after having lived so long on the periphery of our lives, it’s frightening to wake-up and claim centre stage. Yet, it’s imperative that we wake up to the truth. It could be a decision between life and death.
Wake-up and make a difference in your life
There is a way to wake-up from the nightmare of abuse and live the life of your dreams. Here are some steps you can take to make a difference in your own life and let go of the difference abuse is making in keeping you stuck in the living nightmare of someone else’s crazy-making antics.
Step 1 No More Lies
Stop and really listen to yourself. Are you afraid? Are you repeating all the bad things he says about you again and again in your head? Are you frightened of speaking up, speaking out, standing up for yourself? If you answered yes, then it’s time to quit lying to yourself and everyone else. What he’s doing is wrong. It isn’t normal. Quit trying to justify his bad behaviour. Quit making you the reason he hits you. You’re not. Quit being the victim of his abuse. When the voices of self-doubt rise up, remind yourself, those are his words speaking, not my truth. Find your own truth. Let go of his lies.
Recently I was working with a woman who had finally left an abusive marriage after 16 years. A single mother of four children, two of them with serious health issues, she struggled with the responsibility of accepting, in staying for those 16 years, she had made choices that affected her life and her children’s lives. But I was a victim, she said.
I’m with Gavin de Becker (The Gift of Fear). The first time someone hits me, I’m a victim. The second time, I’ve made a choice to be there. With that first hit he gave me a clear indication of all that he was capable of. In staying, I chose to ignore the warning. I chose to make a decision based on escalating anger, behaviours that I knew were out of whack with ‘normal’. Behaviours that scared me. I stayed because I was too afraid to leave.
The woman and I talked about her fears of being accountable in having chosen to stay.
“But that means I asked for it,” she said.
“No.” I replied. “It means you made a choice to believe the unbelievable after he hit you once. You chose to believe, he’d never do it again, thus making it acceptable he’d done it once. At no time, however, does it mean you deserved it. No one deserves abuse. No one deserves to be hit or screamed at or called names. That behaviour is not about who we are, it’s about who they are and what we’re willing to accept. You never deserved to be hit, and you never asked for it. You chose to stay. When we accept responsibility for our choices, we empower ourselves to make different choices.”
That is the gift and power of no more lies. We quit denying our role in staying and applaud ourselves by having the courage to leave.
Step 2 Let go of someday thinking and never say never
Let go of someday thinking and never say never. There is no such time as someday and never never happens. Listen to what you’re saying. Do you think in someday terms? Do you say to yourself, “Someday I’m just going to get up, pick up the kids and walk out of here. I don’t care if I have a penny to my name, if I don’t have a job. I don’t care what the neighbours think or what he says, someday I’m not going to take this anymore.”
A woman I worked with decided one day that she had had enough. Eleven years into the relationship she woke up one morning and realized, he was never going to change. He liked things just the way they were. She packed up her twins, ran to a shelter and has never looked back.
Three years later she says, “I didn’t have any money when I was with him and I didn’t have any money when I left. Nothing was different the day I packed up except I let go of thinking about someday and did it now. My life is way better than it ever was with him. I still don’t have much money, but I’m not being abused. And without his angry outbursts and unpredictable behaviour, I am able to make plans, go back to school, get a job, take care of my twins. I have way more energy and I know I’m going to be okay. I didn’t know that when I was with him.”
He isn’t going to change. He doesn’t have to. And all the wishful thinking in the world will not make it happen someday.
Give it up. Let it go. Shake it out and quit planning on someday. Start planning on the date when you get free. Set a date. A timeline. A target. Plan. If you fear for your life in leaving, don’t tell him anything about your plans. Just do it. There is no such time as someday and never never happens.
Step 3: Find help
We suffer abuse alone – except for our children of course. They’re part of it too but we try not to think of that very often when we’re rationalizing staying for their sake. Mostly, however, we suffer abuse alone, especially in our heads.
We repeat again and again what he said, what he did, what we didn’t do. We talk about if only I had… We think about, one day, maybe. And then we suffer silently in our heads.
To leave, you need help. Get it. Don’t make excuses. Don’t say, but he’ll find out. He’ll know I’m up to something. Be as secretive and cautious as you must, but get help.
After I was released from the living hell I endured for 4 years 9 months with the abusive man who went to jail and is no longer in my life, I realized, he knew I wouldn’t lie to him. He knew I couldn’t lie to him. I believed he was omnipotent. I believed he knew everything I did and said.
He made sure to paint the picture in such a way, I believed he did. Sometimes, he’d phone and ask, “Is there something you need to tell me?”
“I love you,” I’d quickly reply.
“I’m serious. Is there something you need to tell me?”
I’d rack my brain. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” my voice more hesitant.
“You know I hate liars. You know I need to trust you completely.”
I’d pause and look back over my day frantically searching for a transgression. Oh no! I’d had lunch with a male friend from work. How did he know? Quietly, I’d tell him the truth. And then I’d apologize. I’d hang up and wonder, how did he know?
He didn’t. He was just really good at making me feel guilty for doing nothing wrong.
I needed help. I never looked for it. Every time I thought about leaving, of contacting someone for help, I’d remind myself of all the lies he’d told me. My phones were tapped. Men were listening in. Watching me. Tailing me. Taking pictures of me unawares. I’d remember the times he phoned and told me he liked the dress I was wearing that day. How did he know? I hadn’t told him and hadn’t seen him. He didn’t have to see me. He didn’t have to know the actual dress. As long as he kept me guessing, I’d never wake up to the realization he’d never actually described the dress I was wearing, just said he’d liked it.
I never went for help. Never reached out. Never asked. I almost died. And through it all, I never gave up my magical thinking that one day, someone, somewhere would make it all stop. Make it all go away. Make him love me again. Make him be Prince Charming again. Make me okay. Maybe even, make him forgive me for having caused so much trouble in his life.
It never happened. I knew what was happening to me was wrong, but I could never face the truth. In running from the truth, I ran into his lies and believed I was the cause of his bad behaviour. I was just the recipient. I was never responsible for his lies. Just my own when I quit believing the truth of what was happening to me, and bought into the lies he told me. His bad behaviour could never stop as long as I stayed with him.
Ask for help. Get informed. Google ‘how to leave an abusive relationship’. There’s lots of ideas and help online. Make sure you look up what to do to erase your Internet footprints. Make sure you keep yourself safe. And DO IT. You have to take the steps to get free. No one else can do it for you.
Leaving him isn’t easy. Healing takes time, but healing cannot begin until you get free. Whether you do it today, tomorrow or five years down the road, healing will always take time, but it can’t begin until that moment in time when you close the door behind you and leave him and his abuse in the past.
Do it and start healing.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
aussiegirl says:
Luv716:
Aren’t you worth way more than this honey?
You only wrote eight lines, and I’ve never read a post from you before (I am very new to LF), but in those eight lines, I can count seven red flags. The absolute killer is that ANYONE could be mad at you for having a headache! Come on. Listen to your gut. Close your eyes and feel what your instincts are telling you. Your body is wise – it knows. You must trust it.
There is a reason that you felt you should post on here.
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Donna Andersen says:
Luv716,
From your description, I’d say that the new guy is dangerous to your emotional health, and possibly dangerous in other ways as well. Besides the fact that he was in prison, he is trying to control you and isolate you. This is classic sociopathic behavior.
You should break it off. Now, be prepared, because when you do, he will turn on the charm, plead that he needs you, that you’re the only one who understands him, blah, blah, blah. It’s all part of the manipulation.
It seems like you are still not recovered from previous unhealthy relationships, and they may go way back. I suggest you read the Betrayal Bond, which is available in the Lovefraud Store. It may help you get to the root of the problem and heal.
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DancingWarrior says:
EB, What’s with the BLIZZARD?? WOW. Good for you for goig BIG with the snowblower. hahaha you go girl!
DW
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luv716 says:
Yes, your right I didn’t see sociopathic behavior because he wasn’t asking for nothing but my time, as I look back he was very controlling and he tried very hard to isolate me. But I felt really sorry for him and was trying to help him have a healthy relationship.
Thanks for the insight
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Luv,
I agree with everything Donna said….this man is POISON…anyone who has been in prison for 10 years (or 2 or 5) is not someone you want in your life as an intimate friend or relationship.
His trying to control you, and isolate you, make you jump through hoops, is VERY TYPICAL CONTROL TACTICS of psychopaths.
The RED FLAGS that you are mentioning are because your intuition (gut) realizes these are DANGER SIGNALS from the relationship.
He may become very either “angry” or “sad” at your refusing to see him again, but Ii suggest that you just say to him “It is not working out” and don’t give him any other “reason”—-don’t argue with him about “how unfair” you are being to him, or anything else. You need an ex-convict drug dealer in your life like you need another hole in your head—dump this guy, you deserve much better!!! Ii do not need a crystal ball to predict this guy WILL in time become PHYSICALLY VIOLENT to you.
Keep on reading here and learning, and listen to your gut! You are smarter than you know! (((hugs)))) God bless.
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chinagirl says:
dear Luv,
I am fairly new here and donna and oxy already posted but I just want to fourth the reponses to you.
He is trying to control and isolate..Just like Donna said. I’ve been there and the more I learn the more I see that after divorcing my x spath how immediately got involved with another one…and thankfully after a month I woke up and left him.
the fact he won’t call you because you didn’t answer his calls, had a headache. It is manipulation to get you to do what he wants. This is how they get their way. We then feel sorry for them and believe that we are the only ones who get them. BullS&&^! We are the only one who are talking to them!! Everyone else left them.
Please be careful. Trust yourself. You know. Someone said there was a reason you posted. It’s true.
It’s hard to hear especially if we are invested enough to feel for them. Un-invest! take care of you. Heal you first!
Run!!!
Ok, I’ haven’t said anything new…just want to put in my thoughts.
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luv716 says:
Thanks everyone for the insight, at first I was blaming me I have to step back and stop and pay attention, it hadn’t even been two years away from the first S and here I go back in a similar situation with someone who didn’t recognize my worth. Thank God I really didnt get my feeling too involved with this person.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Luv,
Sugar, I have done the same thing over and over and over again, letting first ONE, then the next and then the next Psychopath use/abuse me….doesn’t matter if they are friends, lovers, relatives, bosses, or what the relationshit with them is, it is the CONTROL issue. The GASLIGHTING, twisting reality. The projecting the blame for their attitudes and behavior on to US.
I don’t know if you remember Matt, the attorney, who posted on here a couple of years ago, he’s still here but not so often any more, but he has rules for who he will go with (he had a steady relationship now) but when he was dating….the “TIONS” he calls it.
He won’t have anything to do with someone who has no HABITA-TION, EDUCA-TION, TRANSPORTA-TION, etc. job and so on….and NO EXCONVICTS.
As the parent of a convict, and having known several of his friends who got out, I can TESTIFY there is no such thing as an EX-CONVICT–so eliminate ANYONE from your environment who has ever served a day in the joint for anything! Eliminate anyone who is DISHONEST in any way. ANY WAY! A*N*Y way.
Right there you will eliminate 99.9% of the psychopaths right there with just eliminating the exconvicts and anyone who is dishonest.
The AVERAGE score for ALL people in prison on the check list for psychopathy is 22 (30 is the “score” for a psychopathic diagnosis) but NORMAL score is like 5 (five) so you do NOT want anyone who scores in the 20s or higher on your “trusted people” list.
Also, keep in mind that 25% (1/4th) of all people who are in prison (or have been) are PSYCHOPATHS, so if you are “fishing” for a partner in that group, you are FISHING IN A SEWER and likely to only catch turds! At the very least, ex prisoners are not there in prison because they sang too loudly in the church choir, and they did not learn much in the way of social skills and empathy while they were in prison. Prisoners learn the fine art of survival in prison, not good manners while in prison, and the two are definitely NOT the same thing.
Healing from the psychopaths starts out about them, and learning about them, but it ends up being learning about ourselves and putting ourselves FIRST in our lives, and taking care of ourselves….associating with TRASH, is not taking care of ourselves. YOU DESERVE BETTER than ex con trash! Kick this guy to the curb and don’t look back. Work on yourself, taking care of yourself, learning about yourself, and setting come boundaries for yourself! Boundaries that will help YOU keep YOU safe from predators.
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tobehappy says:
I have a question…..
Last year, when I went into shock when I found my xbf on dating sites and caught him in lies…and ended it…I was really a mess. I was hurt, angry at him, angry at me…and I was “paralyzed” for awhile and couldn’t function well.
Ok..I rebuilt, through therapy, this board, soul searching and getting into my spirituality and then working on myself …physically.
Within 5 months, I was feeling pretty strong…but still not “healed” . I was still confused. He was contacting me and after 5 months, I answered a text and he sucked me back in.
He came on stronger and made serious promises of love and marriage to reel me back.
It only lasted 5 months and I ended it again. This time, I bounced back quicker …went back to therapy and felt much better…never thinking I’d go back a third time.
Ok…I ended up going back for round 3 and set new rules for myself. Since July, I have not wanted to spend time with him.
I confronted him on things and decided to totally be who I am.
I really lost it for him…didn’t want to even be intimate anymore. I was doing things the way I should have from the start….NOT catering to him ….asking him to take me out instead of just meeting up for sex at my house or his…etc..
Well, being true to MYSELF showed me that he was getting frustrated…and angry and he wanted to end it to hurt me. I let him….and then he called the next day as if nothing happenned.
This time around, I did my homework,…saw him on a dating site and ended it. Only THIS time…I didn’t end it nicely as the last two times.
I expressed my REAL feelings to him…and NOT in a nice way. I told him I felt that he is NOT a decent honest man , in fact he is a liar and cheater and I am done done done..
This was a much different approach than before…because I really had enough.
Of course he tried to defend his “integrity” and twist it around telling me that “I” was a liar…because I have a Facebook profile…(which I NEVER post on..just read)…and that I am a “Bimbo”. LOL!!! The text two messages prior told me how much he loved me truly!! So, he loved a bimbo?? LOL
Well. …he never called me a name before..so it really surprised me. But, it was enough to make me angry and carry me through NC and cool off.
Well, I have felt so peaceful and free and happy since I finally made the decision to move on.
My question is….Is it because I finally told him how I really felt and closed the door by doing so?
Last time I ended it without telling him why….in a nice way…after the anger subsided…I told him things like..”I’m not the woman for you…good luck…etc” in a NICE way.
This time, I put the anger on HIM…where it belonged and didn’t hide my feelings of betrayal..
So, is this why I don’t have PTSD this time…I don’t feel angry or hurt….I feel PROUD of myself that I didn’t let him leave feeling he did nothing wrong…That I stood up for myself and refused to let him have sex when he wanted to …etc….?
Is PTSD because we were in shock about how we were taken…and because “round 3″ he wasn’t able to use me and abuse me…..I drove HIM crazy by not letting him control me?
Just curious if this is the answer…..because I never felt better about myself until I ended it with him this time!!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear 2Bhappy,
Being upset over a relationship or even being VERY upset over a relationship doesn’t = PTSD, although we may think it does. PTSD is a more LASTING dysfunctional situation that isn’t so easily “gotten over” or so quickly.
The depression you might feel from a break up with someone who is abusive isn’t necessarily PTSD. I’m not trying to minimize your pain, by any stretch though, so don’t get me wrong there. And I am VERY happy that you did find CLOSURE this time by telling him off. It was closure for you, of course, but the psychopath doesn’t see it even as the end, and he will most likely try to hook you back in again…it worked in the past, so he thinks he has control, and control is what they are all about.
Telling them off harshly doesn’t even reliably “end” the relationship with them though…because they do NOT GET IT.
I am glad that you were able to put the anger on HIM and not take it on yourself this time, and glad you are feeling better and more final this time…because LEARNING from our past relationships is what we have to do to protect ourselves from the NEXT psychopathic creep that tries to infiltrate our lives! GOOD JOB!
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bluejay says:
tobehappy,
Assuming that the boyfriend is a spath, I would say that “telling him off” is cathartic for you, but most likely “it’s in one ear and out the other” for him – that’s been my experience with the h-spath. It’s pointless to try and tell them where they went wrong because (it seems to me) that their brains are unable to grasp the logic of our words. It’s almost like their brains are made of brick.
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tobehappy says:
Hey Oxy….
Last year, I was really in despair…I had a lot of symptoms of PTSD…..couldn’t take loud noises…omg..I was chain smoking…and very depressed. I pulled myself up by the bootstraps….but it was so difficult.
I actually wrote a letter this time stating facts..no emotion. Basically that I don’t trust him and never will…and I listed the lies he told me…which he already admitted to in the past and apologized for in letters.
I just let him know that this time I’ve had enough and I’m moving on because I will never trust him. Very direct and put closure on the whole mess. For me, anyway.
I know he will try to contact me in time, but maybe not, because I was very direct this time and told him that I felt that he is a cheater and liar and I don’t want that. Last time, I didn’t say this. If he tries to contact me once…this time, I will block his number…something I couldn’t do before.
I just KNOW that he is not what I want in a man…and it took me to go back again to try to totally be myself, to prove it. I was really weak and insecure last time around and let me manipulate me and feared expressing myself…
It proves..when You are strong, and put up boundaries….you get rid of toxic people in your life fast!
I’ve wasted enough time trying to make something work that was never going anywhere.
Bluejay…I can’t tell you how it helped me to let him know that I am “on” to what he really is. Last time, in a few weeks, I got a letter from him admitting he was wrong…etc…
I really think he loved having me in his life…I was a good friend and he loved sex with me…(a good supply), but I lost that “loving feeling” when I lost trust in him. I have no good feelings for him or respect anymore…and I don’t hate myself for letting him use me ….because this time around..I didn’t.
Maybe thats why I had to go back…..to end it on MY terms.
I don’t care what he feels or thinks anymore. And,I know that I recognize red flags now early on…and I’m “miss boundary”….If you aren’t “nourishing my soul”..I don’t want to be around you.
New rules for myself…
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Hopeforjoy says:
tobehappy,
When you have your boundaries, and don’t let them be crossed, you gain self respect. In the end, this assertive self respect sends them packing. They may change and say sorry millions of times, but they don’t change on the inside. The inside is all messed up, like Bluejay said “Their brains are made of brick”. Absolutely!!!! THEY DON’T GET IT!
So your ex will most likely try to contact you again, suck you in because your a caring soul and they love that, but you are strong enough to go no contact. They get really confused when we say it’s time to go, put on the biggest act of their spathy career and try to suck you back in again. Expect it and remember that you don’t want to go back to never, never land.
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tobehappy says:
Hope…
He probably will contact me, at some point, your’e right. Only this time he will not suck me in. I lost my “love” and caring feelings for him totally. I have confidence that there is a much better man for me out there, and when the time is right, I know he will find me. I look forward to a healthy relationship. I just think of how miserable I felt this time around, being with someone that I couldn’t trust. Its torture and I didn’t even want to be around him anymore. His lies killed my love for him. The “betrayal bond” is broken. I love who I am, and feel positive about myself and I don’t want a disordered person in my life…in any shape or form.
I am even shocked at the “new me”. I am really ready to move on and not look back. I’ve accepted the fact that he is disordered and that I don’t want that around me. It will only bring me down.
My new motto is that if something or someone isn’t “nourishing my soul”..I don’t want it in my life. I want peace and fun and positive things on my journey here on Earth.
I’ve learned to enjoy my home, children, friends, books, shows, hobbies, and myself. I am never lonely..in fact, I love being alone. When I want to be around people, I have friends and family and you guys to talk to…lol~
I don’t miss the “game” I was engaged in with my xbf…and the negative feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment…over and over. It’s like he is “dead” and gone and I’m free!!!
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Hopeforjoy says:
Tobehappy,
You sound wonderfully sane and healthy. In the words of Martin Luther King Jr. “Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”
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luv716 says:
Ox Drover,
I’m gulity of giving a guy the benefit of the doubt I was trying not to judge him by what happen to him in the past. But you know what it is what it is. I do deserve someone better than that, to me he dont even know what compassion is, all I keep thinking is I was trying to have a solid relationship with someone that been in prison for 10 plus years. Everything u said is true, Im so glad his ways surface before I cross the line with him.
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bluejay says:
Tobehappy and hopeforjoy,
What you’re both saying loud-and-clear is to be a friend to ourselves, true to our wants and needs. Peace.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
2b happy Excellent words:
If you aren’t “nourishing my soul”..I don’t want to be around you.
soimnotthecrazee1!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear 2Bhappy,
HOWEVER YOU GOT THERE—it doesn’t matter—YOU ARE THERE NOW! You are so OVER him!!!! That is the bottom line. That is the point! TOWANDA for you!!!!!
“nourishing my soul”–AMEN!!!!
Dear Luv,
Having some experience with people who have gone to prison, I say this—and there may be EXCEPTIONS to this, but I’m not going to risk my life or my hopes on anyone being the exception—CRIMINALS ARE POISONOUS PEOPLE, there is no such thing as an EX convict! If someone wants to get out of prison and REALLY reform themselves, great! More power to them, but I do not intend to have a TRUSTING relationship with them in the meantime. Anyone who has proven DIS-HONEST enough to go to prison for something worse than Jay-walking, is not someone I want to spend my life with…period.
Just like I wouldn’t be interested in anyone who had been married 10 times before he started dating me….DUH? Why START with someone like that? STart out with someone who is basically honest, kind, caring, responsible, job-holding, stable….etc. why start out with someone who is behind the 8-ball?
Luv, you deserve someone better than that! What has he got to offer you?
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Luv,
Listen to Ox Drover about the criminals! She’s knows her stuff! She helped me greatly when I first landed here and I haven’t been here long myself.
soimnotthecrazee1
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luv716 says:
Believe me I’m listening thats why I posted the situation I was in to get a better understanding to what I was putting myself into. Honestly Ox Drover he can’t offer me anything because he don’t know how to love its obvious, I see he don’t even know how to be a friend. I made a mistake but I’m glad I know before I got too involved.
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aussiegirl says:
LUV:
Good girl! That’s what we want to hear.
Take good care of you. xxx
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Luv,
you are lucky to have that understood NOW and not after some of the nightmares we have gone through. I wish I would have had this warning… but I didn’t and I am now a domestic violence survivor in healing. Safe yourself before you wind up like one of us.
soimnotthecrazee1!
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panther says:
Wow….wow. Okay. So we dated almost the same man.
Ugh.
Yeah, I got out.
This article was hard to read, but necessary. Thanks for writing it.
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panther says:
This article made me think of this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....&NR=1
There is no Arizona.
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panther says:
AHhh and this one too
(
Walkaway Joe by Trisha Yearwood
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oe7_HoLW2oU
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justus5 says:
I had a long lengthly comment on this blog and LOST it. It was in reguards to step 3-get help. I’m going to have to wait until later and try to reconstruct it. It won’t be as strong the second time around but I’ll try. Just a quick note for now on getting help. Becareful concerning abuse counslers, twice I went to abuse counslers and they didn’t see the abuse. The first time I had bruises on my wrists. The second time he wrote me an e-mail ozzing(although disguised) with 3 tactics-FOG-Fear, Obiligation and guilt.
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justus5 says:
Seems maybe I just can’t comment on this article.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear justus5, seems to me like you did and did a good job of it, BTW. Not all “abuse counselors” GET IT about what is abuse! So true.
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desert flower says:
Hi all… This is my first post here after reading comments for the past year or so. I am thankful for all posts that I have read. It’s been great to learn that I wasn’t crazy.
I was with my S for 10 years. I ignored the red flags like many of us do.
I married and had children with him. He emotionally and physically abused us. The children feared him. I finally got the resources saved up and left him. Divorcing was a long, drawn out and costly process. Then the custody and visitation was drug out for another three years. Psychological evaluations were ordered and completed. This documented his psychopathic and narcissistic personality traits as well as the possibility of physical abuse. By the time this was completed, 5 years had passed since he had seen the children, so he had to do reunification therapy. His new wife who had encouraged him to get his children back, was physically abused by him (as well as her teenage daughter) and he pled guilty to these charges. So suddenly the new wife was divorcing him and all reunification efforts stopped. Through this I pursued child support. He cost me tens of thousands of dollars through attorney fees, and his court order allows him to call the children twice weekly. Every six months or so he files to have his child support modified, lies about income, uses aliases and fake social security numbers, you name it. During the last three court hearings on child support, he used the F word with the judge, insulted me and gets agitated to much that the bailiffs offer to escort me to my car. The last hearing I drove a car he didn’t recognize. I was escorted out and he was nowhere to be seen. Once I was in the car and drove away, I look in my rearview mirror and he was right behind me at a red light, almost touching my bumper! I inched up, he did to! I inched up again as did he. He was clearly trying to intimidate me. He learned at this court hearing that I had remarried. He had the nerve to call me that evening (of course I do not answer, I learned that NO CONTACT is the only way) And congratulate me on my marriage and say I was the love of his life. Psycho.
About a year ago he was charged assault with serious bodily injury on another person. (after his wife) I followed his court case and learned that he pled guilty to a lesser charge and got a sentence of 120 days in jail, BUT was approved to do house arrest for those 120 days and still be able to work, etc. For some reason, he chose to do actual jail time of 60 days, and that’s where he is now. But not before filing to have his child support stopped due to incarceration. So I have to go back to court two days after he gets out to fight this. The problem is, is having to have contact. He has threatened me before that he is “about to snap” and I’m “not going to survive this”. Just yesterday a woman was killed at my courthouse after a child support hearing. Most people don’t understand that I would not put it past him to try to kill me…I am scared. A police escort out is not enough.
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MiLo says:
desert flower ~
I am so sorry about your terrible situation. I do not blame you for being scared.
I have no idea, but I am wondering if this would not be a good time (after the poor women’s death at your very courthouse) to request that you testify via video statement. With your x’s record, the court just may listen when you state you are scared and need more than a police escort.
Like I said, I have no idea if this would work, but it may be worth a try.
Best of luck to you and your kids.
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desert flower says:
Hi Milo, thank you for your reply. I actually have contacted the courts and to do a phone hearing I would have to live over 100 miles away from the court. I failed to mention earlier that aside from the run ins with the law mentioned above, he has been banned from our local football organization for threatening the president of the league with violence after verbally berating a woman on the sidelines. He has threatened coworkers with violence and been fired due to his threats. In researching his recent charges, I learned that he has a felony assault charge on his record from 1986! I never knew i was married to a convicted felon.
I am afraid, but will continue to do whatever is necessary for the children…
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strongawoman says:
Desert flower,
Hello and I’m so sorry that you have and continue to have your life turned upside down by this evil being.
I don’t understand the courts reaction to your plea for a phone hearing. Do the police know he has tried to intimidate you previously?
I don’t know what to suggest but there will be other people on later who may be able to give you some help.
Well done for coming so far and thanks for posting here. I hadn’t read this article before. See myself.
Keep your chin up girl
Blessings to you and your family
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MiLo says:
desert flower ~ I think I may be very “respectfully” blunt with the court and say something like “you just had someone killed outside your court house, I’m sure you don’t want to see that happen again.” “This is a violent man who has threatened to kill me, I NEED PROTECTION.” Maybe contact the victim’s advocate for the court, they may be able to request a phone hearing.
I would not go quietly. “doing whatever is necessary for the children” GOOD FOR YOU, thank you for that, so many times it is the children that are forgotten. Stay safe and I will be praying for your safety.
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desert flower says:
Thank you. I can request the bailiff hold him after our hearing and give me time to get the heck out. Sometimes I feel so sad for my kids, that this is their dad and they dislike him. I feel like they were cheated. But.. On a lighter note, I am remarried to a great guy who is in my corner and an excellent role model! Once I got free of the spath, it took rime but I finally learned that I was worth so much more. Once I believed that I found Mr Wonderful. Just would like to be an inspiration to rhose who are just breaking free…it’s hard, but worth it. I just wish my ex spath would go away..I only have 8 more years til my youngest is an adult…then no more court hearings and a little less fear.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Desert flower,
Sigh, I feel so sorry for you having to ahve contact with this man. Does he know where you work and live? (are you in the US?)
I also wonder if it is worth it to try to even get child support? Would you be better off to let him off the hook for child support completely IN EXCHANGE FOR HIM HAVING NO CONTACT WITH YOU OR THE KIDS? You are I am sure having to fight for every dollar of child support as it is, so if you are not in desperate need of the money, think about the “selling out” for peace. It might be worth your life. God bless you. Hang in there.
PS Welcome to LoveFraud BTW.
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desert flower says:
Hi Oxy, he does nit know where I live (that I know of) and many times offered to give up rights to the xhildren if he didn’t have to pay. Problem is, in the US, or at least in my west coast state the children would have to be adopted by my new husband. This has been thought about and considered, but then what’s to stop the x from contacting the kids direct, on Facebook and such? We know sociopaths don’t honor commitments, laws or wishes of another, do his signing away of rights would only relieve him of financial responsibility and not guarantee that he disappears.
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