The cardinal sign of sociopathy: Every sociopath ______!
PDF Lovefraud receives many letters from people who want a sign. Readers ask, “How do I know whether or not someone is a sociopath?” There is one behavior that every sociopath engages in to extreme excess. If I were only allowed one criteria for the diagnosis I would choose this behavior. If someone does not do this thing to extreme excess he/she is certainly not a sociopath. Those of you who have been involved with a sociopath know too well what this one thing is. It is lying.
I enjoy reading old religious texts because I believe there is truly nothing new under the sun. It is comforting to get reassurance of that fact. I mentioned some time ago that female sociopaths are described in the Bible. The cardinal symptom of sociopathy is described best in the Babylonian Talmud! One source I found dated this document to the 6th century.
The Babylonian Talmud describes something called geneivat da’at (literally, theft of one’s mind, thoughts, wisdom, or knowledge), i.e., fooling someone and thereby causing him or her to have a mistaken assumption, belief, and/or impression. The sages believed that there are seven types of thieves and, of these, the most egregious is the one who “steals the minds” of people.
Anyone who has been in contact with a sociopath has had his/her mind stolen. Sociopaths do not interact with anyone without stealing a mind.
Although sociopaths are very proud of their ability to steal minds, this behavior does not make them unique, talented or special. Sociopaths are just the worst species of thief!
Many are baffled by the lying sociopaths engage in. A reader who wrote me recently commented that they lie even when the truth sounds better. Sociopaths continue to lie even after their lies are discovered. This often makes them look silly.
Sociopaths lie in order to steal the minds of others. They do this because of an unrestrained drive for power and control. This drive is present in all of their dealings with others.
The best thing to do if your mind has been stolen by a sociopath is Take it Back! Don’t have any more interactions with that person. Accept that you can never deal with a sociopath without experiencing the theft of your mind.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
Escapee says:
Brilhancy
Just keep yourself safe and watertight first – whatever you decide to do. I think the hardest part of recovery for many people here at LF IS the sense that they have got away with it, that there hasn’t been any justice. I know that’s what is at the root of my on-going anger. I’ve been left crippled with debt and ill and that B****** is skipping off into the sunset untouched and now, after over a year, has been through god knows how many other poor unsuspecting woman and lord knows what else. It’s human nature to want to feel vindicated by some act of universal justice.
All love to you and keep posting for strength and clarity.
(Report abusive comment)
endthepain says:
Made the mistake of having contact with the S yesterday regarding our son….BIG MISTAKE…complete asshole…wound up hanging up on me….I got upset all over again….he lies and lies and lies…and I still cant fathom it..I have tried….wound up speaking to his mom…another mistake…as more lies….and now I got myself all upset! So not worth it!
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OxDrover says:
Brilhancy,
If you can prove he was married at the time you were married to him, I think you may be able to get your “marriage” which was illegal set aside as NULL AND VOID.
I am NOT an attorney and I think you do not live in US so you might check your local laws and/or contact an attorney. My understanding here in US is that if the MARRIAGE WAS ILLEGAL (bigamy) a “divorce” is not necessary to regain your freedom to remarry. Check it out with your local laws and a local attorney.
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OxDrover says:
Dear sweet ETP,
NC I know is difficult, but it is the ONLY wey if at all possible, and if not totally possible, then contact through a third party or written contact (KEEP all correspondence for evidence and BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!)
Because you are NOT dealing with a normal person, you cannot expect anything but lies etc.
Many of us have broken NC and 99.9% of the time it is a BIG MISTAKE as you said! Forgive yourself and keep in mind WHAT you are dealing with—both him and his coniving mother…that apple did not fall far from that tree! (((hugs)))) and God bless you.
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lostingrief says:
endthepain …
i’m sorry you are hurt. yes, they lie … always! about everything.
it is impossible to wrap your brain around. don’t bother trying!
they are impossible nano-beings who — it seems — pride themselves on twisting even the smallest thing into a federal case.
breathe. give yourself a hug. get him out of your mind for now, and enjoy the rest of the day.
(Report abusive comment)
lostingrief says:
ox:
you said: “My sperm donor P held a special hatred for me that he kept to the end of his life (over 40 years since I had had contact with him) and also with others who had “outed” him and failed to be afraid of him. They have to BE THE CENTER of your world and when they are not, it is a big insult to them.”
the last thing my ex said to me when i threw him out was, “i’ll always have a vendetta against you!”
amazing, ain’t they?? i never did one thing in 25 years to hurt him. (but i sure should have!)
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear LIG,
It actually was some “comfort” and “consolation” to me that my sperm donor rented me so much space in his head with his hatred of me. I long ago quit even bothering to hate him, so ohe was no longer “renting” space in my head, but obviously I “lived in” his head to the end of his life. He cut me and two of my three half-sibs out of his estate and gave it all to the P-colone youngest son, but I actually thought of that as an accolade rather tahn an insult. I knew he would not have given me a dime, I actually expected him to elave me “enough new hemp rope to hang herself with” LOL ROTFLMAO, but by the time he actually died, if he had left me 10$ Million I would have donated it to some worthy cause that I knew he would have hated, just because I did not want any of his “blood covered money.”
Once, one of his first cousins was writing a family history book about how the early physicians in this county had invluenced the medical care here ( my grandfather build the first hospital here) he knew she was in contact with me, because I had gathered most of the data necessary for her book, and he called her and wanted to come visit her. She told him, “You are welcome to come visit me, but I WILL NOT DISCUSS OXY WITH YOU.” He did NOT come to see her. LOL It galled him no end that all of his cousins and uncles were all close to me and respected me very much and they did not want anything to do with him. He wanted everyone in the world to envy him—envy his brains, his money, his women, etc.–he was so crude and crass though, that few people above the level of some drunken wino “admired” him.
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questionmark1 says:
Hi all! I’m a longtime listener; first time caller here.
Good News! It’s great how everyone is supportive and stuff and i have definately benefited from the info and comments from people for about 2-ish years because of my “gay for pay bf”. [The good news is]…Eventually, you get past revenge and/or whatever, and reach the nirvana of indifference!
I was your “drunken wino” who admired him; and only just realized he is no longer “renting” space in my head. So, i guess i’m just sayin…they r right; eventually it does get better.
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WhyMe says:
Here it is, New Years Eve, & I’m sitting here reading all these stories from 2-3 yrs ago, & CRYING. I am SO determined to leave this ALL behind in 2011!
The lies, lies, lies, illusion, broken promises, broken dreams, betrayal, betrayal, betrayal. It just hurts like HELL to KNOW that none of it was real, that there’s nothing to “figure out” because there was no reality in it, & that there was no love at all, much less the “perfect love” I thot it was. He was the most proficient of mind thieves.
Thank you, Dr. Leedom, for this piece of wisdom & insight that puts it all neatly in a box for me. Now I just need to bury the damn box. Before Midnight!
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bluejay says:
WhyMe,
My h-spath put me through so much upheaval during the past several years, I used to say, “I don’t have to go to hell, I’ve been to hell”. We both will get to Healthy in 2011. The articles do help us sort through the nonsense. Happy New Year, WhyMe – make it a good one.
(Report abusive comment)
aussiegirl says:
WhyMe -
Here it is! A new day. A new year. x
We will be fine….in time.
A Spath-free New Year to all in LF land. xxx
(Report abusive comment)
WhyMe says:
Happier New Year to you, too, bluejay & aussiegirl! I saw this quote on a friend’s FB page yesterday……I think it’s a good one for us at the end of this year, as we work toward healing & wholeness:
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
(Report abusive comment)
soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Happy New Year to all my brothers and sista’s out here in LF land. Let’s hope that we all make decisions with OUR own best interest at heart! Time for us to be selfish about ourselves.
Soimnotthecrazee1!
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
Happy New Year Notcrazze!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hi Whyme – good to see you here! my courage says that. yup.
Happy New Year!
(Report abusive comment)
soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Thanks One! Yep my courage tells me the same thing… there is always time tomorrow to get stronger!
That’s what I am working on now!!!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hadn’t read this article before. Thanks Dr. Leedom – it’s short, sweet and spot on.
Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmPDGZPnYl0
a spath, caught out in a 2 year con of a woman. The spath pretended online to be a guy and his extended family. the dupes friend’s chucked the spath out when the spath came to live with the dupe, posing as the best friend or the now dead boyfriend.
Her response to being asked why she had done what she had done for two years: ’2 years! nu uh, 18 months!’
‘Silly’ is an understatement.
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skylar says:
Onestep,
Hey happy new year. love you lots. xxxxxooooo
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Happy new year to you sky, and thanks for the love!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
and may you have a spath free new year!
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skylar says:
hey onestep, that is one ugly spath in the video. LOL.
spaths sure are ugly. How fucking pathetic. All the spaths in my life have also been hellishly ugly. Revolting actually.
Do I cuss too much? It’s just hard to describe a spath without cuss words. I’ll try to do better in the new year.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
baby, I AM THE QUEEN OF CUSS WORDS! Ionce wrote a 10 inch long diatribe on lf against the spath, and wrote fu at the end of EVERY LINE!
got censured for it, too.
now, i don’t feel the need to swear as much. but nothing’s as emotive as a good cuss word!
okay, peace out….going out into the night.
(Report abusive comment)
shabbychic says:
The 2 toxic men I have been with were f**king good looking.
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skylar says:
SC,
you had your f**king colored glasses on!
LOL!
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
y’all makin’ the cuss queen proud!
(Report abusive comment)
shabbychic says:
LOL, yeah, when I look at them now they are
F**KING revolting to me.
ok, edited, i guess i got a little carried away!
hahahhahahahahahahahahhaahaha
(Report abusive comment)
shabbychic says:
(Report abusive comment)
soimnotthecrazee1 says:
LOLOLOL!!!!
Time to start the cuss jar!!!! Every cuss word you use or impose there will be fine of??? 1.00 to add to it!!! Now just where will we put he darn cuss jar?
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Mamma Gem should be in charge of the Cuss Jar……
but then again…..she’s jumping the f**ing ship too!
(Hope your in ecstasy in NZ mamma)!!!
(Report abusive comment)
czarinamom says:
Happy New Year to everyone!!
Hopefully 2011 will be better for all of us.
I just came across this blog and it is 1000% true. My ex lied like there was no tomorrow. He could look you straight in the eyes and lie. We went to couples counseling and he lied to the therapist – and I don’t think she caught him – he actually turned everything around that I was the crazy one. Her final words to me “Be safe my child”.
He used to always tell the story of how he inherited some money from his father (10k – which was true) but gave it all to his sister so she could start over from a bad marriage and never asked for it back. One day when the sister was in town I asked her about this story and she said it was totally untrue – he LOANED her $300 and she paid it back – even she said he is a pathological liar. He turned friends against me with his lies and now he is looking for a new girlfriend to take care of him.
I honestly feel that people like this should be held responsible for their actions – they are con people and victims have rights!
(Report abusive comment)
aussiegirl says:
EB -
why is Gem in NZ? Is she moving there or just on holiday?
(Geez – you miss a couple of days on here and everything changes. I’m gonna have to check in more often; WAY too slow to keep up otherwise…)
(Report abusive comment)
Not-too-late says:
Just found this blog.
Before reading this thread, I read the one on the signs of dating a sociopath. The only sign that is not evident in my abusive ex (I separated a few months ago) is the lying and deception bit. Yet that is the biggest give-away of a sociopath. I just don’t understand that bit – he prides himself in being full of integrity and hates liars. The time he got in trouble with the law was for assaulting our child, and that was because our child lied to him. And when the police questioned him, he immediately admitted it. Also, he is very responsible at work and has never defrauded anyone nor does he have a history of lying or cheating behind my back.
Either he was very good at lying and fooled me completely (I still can’t think what he lied about), or there are some sociopaths that fit every symptom but lying. I’m not saying that he doesn’t have thinking errors or isn’t delusional, that is believing lies about himself and others, what I mean is deliberately telling untruths. He used to own up or admit stuff because he says he is not like those type of despicable conmen who lie. And he would be very angry if he thought I lied to him, which made me walk on eggshells. Even now, if something I put in a legal letter is not completely true, he interrogates and punishes me for it, even if the spirit of it is true.
I’m not trying to figure him out because I am not interested in helping him, but I do want to find out more so I can protect myself in the future with others.
Does anyone get what I mean? That someone can be an abusive, violent sociopath who prides himself on being above-board? Or maybe some are violent/abusive but not sociopaths?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hello Not too late – people can be violent and abusive without being a sociopath.
I too, think lying defines a sociopath.
And a big and hard to believe truth is that spaths are outrageously good at lying, it is ‘what they do’. your line in your above post, ‘he says he is not like those type of despicable conmen who lie’, is a ‘tell.’ spaths tell us what and who they are by what they project on to us and others, the things they say someone else did, and the they say they would never do. (I gotta ask, why was he comparing himself to a lying conman to begin with?)
truth is, they usually have lies at hand to reveal as truths once caugth in the first lie….they are layered in deception; it’s a dense and deceptive layering, it’s what masquerades as a self.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Nottoolate,
about 75%, by statistics, of Domestic Abusers are also classified as psychopaths (sociopaths) and chronic and pathological lying is a hall mark, but there are people who are very narcissistic and controlling who are so convinced of their own superiority and their own right to CONTROL that behave in abusive ways to others (thinking that they have the RIGHT to control because they are superior) that might not be outright “liars” but really, it doesn’t matter WHY someone abuses, the point is that they are NOT GOING TO BE CONVINCED that they do not have the RIGHT to abuse others, control others.
My egg donor (I would formerly have called her my mother, but mothers have to EARN that title I think by more than giving birth, so I refer to her as my egg donor) is one who PRIDES herself on being a “good Christian” and “not lying” as well, however she DOES LIE (it took me DECADES to be sure she was lying) and she DOES abuse, punish and control and while she might not qualify for a professional diagnosis of a “psychopath” if she was being assessed for a diagnosis by a professional, none the less, she is TOXIC and behaves in many ways as a controlling and abusive person in a relationship. She thinks she has a direct pipe line to God himself, so therefore she is doing what is “right” by punishing anyone who doesn’t agree with her. (Me for a start) It is family tradition for the women in our family to “protect” the Family’s males who do wrong or are abusers. I refused to protect and enable my psychopathic son who is in prison for MURDER, so therefore she PUNISHES ME.
In her eyes, she is only doing her “christian duty” to “forgive” and protect him even though 3 years ago he actually sent a man (former cell mate of his) to kill me because I cut him out of an inheritance. (he would profit greatly if I were to die before she does due to the terms of a trust). She knows this, she knows the man who was sent went to prison, she read all the letters from my son to him, telling him out to “manage” our family, etc. and STILL she sends money to my psychopathic son and condemns me. She sits front and center in church three times a week, and has the world convinced she is a “sweet little old lady”—but I have SEEN BEHIND the mask. I have CAUGHT her in the lies. Always before if I found what appeared to be a “lie” she would explain some technical reason it wasn’t a lie….like Bill Clinton saying “I did not have SEX with that woman.” Well, clinton’s version of what was “sex” didn’t have anything to do with cigars or oral copulation apparently. That was the way my egg donor would “define” her way out of a lie, or “oh no, I didn’t say I would DO that, I said I had no “plans” to do that.” That is called gaslighting someone, twisting your understanding or twisting reality to make you think YOU are crazy. It is deception, and if you look up deception in the dictionary it is LYING.
Many psychopaths who would tell the “technical truth” ‘are still deceptive and still dangerous, controlling. I think the POWER TRIP, and the CONTROL trip are the things that most show up. Lies are only one way to control and assume power.
I’m glad you are away from this man, the “feeling of walking on egg shells” is a GOOD TIP off that you are around a control freak. ANY control freak is TOXIC and you cannot fix them or have a relationship with them that is anything close to fair or rewarding.
Keep on reading here, there’s a lot of great stuff here. And WELCOME to a great place to learn—about them, and about yourself. How to protect yourself and how to heal. They take a great toll on our souls, but we can and do heal. They will always stay the same. God bless.
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candy says:
Hi not too late – he assaulted your child….big flags waving here. No excuse for assaulting a CHILD lies or no lies. What does assault achieve?
If a supermarket cashier over charged me would I assault her? No. I would calmly find out why she’d done it, ie genuine mistake? maybe she was under stress, overworked, hard up, tired. I would attempt to resolve the situation – I would not assault her.
And why was the child lying in the first place? Had she/he outwitted the spath and he felt threatened?
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silvermoon says:
Not too Late,
You have a responsibility as a parent to protect your child from abuse.
Once he assaulted your child, it was over. Period.
No analysis required.
Going forward now, your responsibility has not changed. Make your decisions from the perspective of defending your child from being abused.
That means be very,very careful about who comes into the world you share with that child.
If you are not DEAD SURE that who ever you invite in is safe and sane then don’t!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The keys are good manners and a visiable and active social circle. Start there when you look at and look into other people.
But put your kid first. Its your job.
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Ox Drover says:
Hey, Silver!!! Good advice to Nottoolate, and good to see you! Happy new year to you!!!! (((hugs))))
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flowerpower says:
Not to late: My liar hated lies. It was a good cover for all of his. Worked quite well for a while….
True Grit-I recommend the movie and love these old gospel lyrics sung by the late Johnny Cash on the website trailer;)
but then I was born 100 years to late…
“you can run on for long time, run on for long time, run on for long time, sooner or later God’ll cut you down”
“go tell that long tongue liar, go tell that midnight rider,
tell the rambler, gambler, back-biter,
tell em God is gonna cut em down”
Happy New Year to all of you- and welcome 2011!
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skylar says:
Oh, yes.
Mine hated thieves.
and being called a liar, “don’t EVER call me a liar, I’m not a liar!”
“I HATE thieves, there is nothing worse than a theif!”
Me thinks thou dost protest TOO much!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
mine, being soooo sweet couldn’t hate anybody!
all the sock puppets went on and on and on about being prey,being stalked and people ‘taking things that were ot offered’ (aka trying to find out who the F*** they were really dealing with by using search engines).
tell! tell! tell!
sigh.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Nottoolate,
there is a book called, “Why does he do that? inside the minds of angry men” It’s by a man named Lundy Bancroft who counsels these type of men when they have been court ordered to go to counseling for domestic abuse.
It’s very good and has helped me alot. My only problem with it is that Lundy says that not all of these men are sociopaths.
I understand why he says it: No one has really gotten a good definition of what a socipath is. But it still bothers me because the men he described really seem sociopathic to me (lying, faking, deceiving and beating their wives).
Because they lie so much, it’s hard to tell what they are really thinking and basically, the definition of a sociopath is not so much what he does but WHY he does it. For example, If I was living as a CIA agent and lied all the time, that wouldn’t necessarily mean that I’m a sociopath UNLESS, I became a CIA agent because I want power, control and manipulation through lies to become my way of life just for the sheer pleasure of it.
But all of the men Lundy counsels are narcissists which is the first step towards sociopathy, so they are toxic anyway.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
in the stories the path makes up the father is always:
incestuous, a drug addict/ drunk, physically abusive, and usually pimps the main character out to cover debt
mothers are usually:
absent, outside the mainstream (in profession or philosophy); and ineffective at protecting the ‘good character’; or extremely religious and religiously abusive;
siblings are usually:
incestuous, gay and closeted, stalkers, mentally ill, religiously abusive.
Freinds are: sexually inappropriate, lusting after the main character
past lovers/ present lovers are usually:
jealous, murderous, possessive, old, fat, boring.
everything always revolves around the main sweet character – he is the one abused most often in the stories. he is:
sweet
niaive
kind
smart
funny
adventurous
artistically talented (art, music, writing, etc.)
noble
witty
wary
suicidal
abused
dying of something – cancer heart attacks, etc.
raped
horribly abused by small group of people!
’cause this spath uses sock puppets to make up her lie landscape, what would you surmise HER true character is from the traits given above?
I’d say she wants to steal from all her dupes, all the good qualities attributed to the main character.
I’d say she is: predatory, constantly researching her dupes in search engines, jealous, abusive (the number of sexually abused kids in her stories makes you wonder if she is a child molester…); and that she likes to make up her little ‘groups’ of sock puppets to abuse people.
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silvermoon says:
Happy New Year One!
Wonderful that so much is in the rear view mirror isn’t it?
Not saying its all gone and done, not. But I am happy with how far the road away has been traveled!
A friend observed that being a sociopath must be a very hard way to live. To have to be “ON” like that all the time because if you lie so much that you have to keep up with yourself, how could you ever relax? My observation, to a spath, telling a new lie is recreational….
The truth will out!
Happy New Year!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ah, here you are! yes, may the cat door hit 2010 on the ass on the way out.
things are getting MUCH better. I have been going for infrared saunas and they have really made a difference with the level of toxicity in my body – of which my brain is a part.
How is your ski slope driveway this winter?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
SKY – would you take a look at my above post about the shit the spath ‘hates’ and always having happen to the main character, and give me your take on it – oh ye of incisive mind!
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skylar says:
Hi One Step,
You hit it right on the nail.
I could take it into a deeper analysis by saying that it’s likely that she is describing her parents and what happened to her.
The siblings, friends and past lovers are just descriptions of her (we KNOW she is old fat and boring!)
The good traits are those she envies and will never have so she looks for people with those traits to prey on.
suicidal
abused
dying of something – cancer heart attacks, etc.
raped
horribly abused by small group of people!
These are things she wishes she could make happen to her prey. She really NEEDS DRAMA. How sad.
This may not be what people here want to hear, but I’ve come to the conclusion that the evil ones are doing what they do as a cry for help. It comes across as a cry for attention and selfish narcissism, but really, they want that attention because they feel so aweful deep inside and they are “acting out” how they feel.
That list,
suicidal
abused
dying of something – cancer heart attacks, etc.
raped
horribly abused by small group of people!
is how SHE feels. and she wants someone else to feel it too.
no, edit that, she wants EVERYONE else to feel it too.
Misery loves company is what the spath is all about.
She was slimed and needs to slime everyone else, but it will never be enough. How sick and sad. Even with all the compassion I feel for her, I still think a kick in the head might help her feel better. Not kidding. If she was kicked in the head everytime she started to pull her shenanigan, she would eventually be trained to not “feel better” by sliming others. She would then learn that it feels worse. Just like you train a monkey or any other animal.
My two cents from my incisive mind.
excuse me while I go look up “incisive”. LOL.
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skylar says:
Penetrating, clear, and sharp, as in operation or expression: an incisive mind; incisive comments. in·ci sive·ly adv. in·ci sive·ness n. …
Cool, thanks!
((((One Step))))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
’tis true. i value your unique exploration into the workings of spaths.
i don’t know what happened to her in life – i know she still has a relationship with her mother. her father doesn’t seem to be on the scene.
and (shudder), she has a child (an adult now) who she still has a relationship with. she is REALLY focused on child molestation; and to a slightly lesser degree, rape and dying.
she should feel stalked these days.
But in her case ‘stalked’ is about being caught.
she IS being watched by people. She is exposed – her name and image is on the web as a con/ liar/ spath. stories about her exist in the printed press and in blogs. Found a whole new scam yesterday, that i didn’t know about, and encouraged those people to take it outside of their forum and post about it in some places where people go for info about the spath.
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WhyMe says:
NotTooLate, I’m sure not an expert on psychopathy—I knew very little about sociopaths until this past summer when we realized that my X HAD to have been sociopathic, & then I started doing research &, especially, learning here at LF—but I have to believe that Dr. Leedom is 100% correct in saying that the ONE, absolute, characteristic that ALL SOCIOPATHS have in common is LYING.
I believe that Oxy’s probly correct in saying that 75% of domestic abusers are deemed “psychopaths”, but you know—a rectangle is a square, but a square isn’t necc a rectange, so to speak. My 3rd hb emotionally & physically beat & tortured me in the finest hotels all over the world & in our home in a statusy compound. But he wasn’t a sociopath. He was honest & true & caring & kind & didn’t have an ounce of deceit in him…..wasn’t seeking power or sex or control thru manipulation. His “episodes” were always triggered by drugs & alcohol, tho drugs & alcohol didn’t always trigger an episode. I was told by a number of people who he’d worked with for years that he’d never been the same after taking too much LSD at a certain 4th of July Picnic in Texas 2 yrs before I got involved with him, & had been found wandering the streets of Austin, still incoherent 2 days later. I always had this vision of his mind as one that had been “pitted”—like those ceramic tile kitchen counters we all used to have….& everything that got spilled on it afterward was absorbed into the pits. (Remember what grape juice would do to our white tile??)
He was brutal in his “episodes”—with the torment sometimes going on for hours & days. But he never hit me where anyone could see it: he’d turn his huge diamond-encrusted band ring around to the inside of his hand & hit me in the back of the head repeatedly….sometimes I wouldn’t be able to put my head on a pillow for days, but no one could see the hematomas. I jumped out of windows, barricaded myself in bedrooms, hid for hours under kitchen cabinets or outside in the bushes, & fled for my life many times….dragged my 9 bags thru the streets of Tokyo one nite, trying to find a cab that would take an AmEx card, etc etc etc.
But when the effects of the drugs & alcohol wore off, he was back to normal, & always deeply repentant, tho I don’t think he really ever knew what sort of things he’d done. He was very possessive, but he wasn’t narcissistic or sociopathic or psychopathic. And he Never lied. He had delusions.
I’m just throwing this out there…..maybe it doesn’t fit anyone else’s profile….but I do know that I was married to one of the 25% of domestic abusers who Aren’t sociopathic.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the kick to the head is a good idea. i don’t WANT to feel compassion for her sky. only acceptance of the fact that she is a spath and that i was spathed. I guess i don’t want to ‘feel’ much about her at all.
i am still angered and at times still enraged. i am good with that. i let it be, and i work to become bigger than those feelings.
i think spathy is genetic, and i think that they will be this way REGARDLESS of what their childhoods are like – HOW it is expressed would change with the childhood experience.
i have compassion for my mom, who cannot form the intention to follow through on her offers of help, time and again. At first i felt abandoned each time she offered and I knew she couldn’t follow through. today i visited her. i told her that i know that she wants to help, but that she never will, that she never remembers to act on it. Told her i know she loves me and that it must be painful to not be able to help me, but she can’t. (the n sire would also freak about it and accuse me of stealing from her. #$%^). I was so much clearer with my boundaries – usually i am trying to make ALL allowance for my mom, because she is demented, and i always sacrifice my feelings for hers. Not today. lots of assurance that i love her and know she loves me , that she wold help me if she could, but she can’t. I also told her that I don’t want anything to do with the sire. she, the good supply, said, ‘i had no idea that you felt such hate…’ i said no, i don’t hate him, i just don’t trust him and i am protecting myself now.’
i felt like a bit of a jerk for explaining some of it – but, i also am good with the new parameters – told her why i haven’t been visiting (i have to do this eVERY time i do) – sick, working, no car. and that in the spring i will try to come more once this job is over. i told her that i have been barely able to deal with myself, and that I had to do that first. HUGE boundary for me…i am such a guilt person when it comes to my mom. sick demented,living with that prick, and not long for this world – and yet, i still have to take care of myself first and make boundaries.
i hate to, but i have to work soon. would rather relax and post…but much to do.
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