ASK DR. LEEDOM: How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
PDF Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things–I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you…”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
trueloveistrue says:
PS-
NC Does seem to be the most wonderful advice on here.
Its works,but even then,its only a start..
I enrolled in yoga last week and have gone 4 days in a row.
(Do something good for yourself,,something that will make you feel good about you.)
Being in a new town is also a great experience.
I havent thought about him at all,surprisingly.
I have been busy exploring a new town,and making new friends.
Change of scenery,IMO,is good for the soul.
It makes you pay attention,and realize how many Wonderful people are in the world..
*Not everyone is bad..Why not pay attention to the ones who actually appreciate it.. ; )
The further away I am from him,in a physical,and time way,
the more I realize how truly happy I already am..
And I believe that is how God intended us to be..
To acknowledge the pain,so we do not repeat the same mistake again,but also to forgive so we can unburden our own heart,when we are ready so that life once again,becomes fulfilling…
My life is good today..
Not because I have gone without pain,
but because I am choosing to overcome it..
God is my strength.
Get Angry at First-You will need it initially.
It Will help you overcome the sadness,etc..
But after some time has passed,
(I think everyone is different on how long they need),
Be careful to let it go..
Don’t hang onto it forever..
For then it becomes your responsibility if you chose to stay the victim.
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StillHaveMySoul says:
I just want to chime in here, to let those who are recovering (all those here) know that I am now at a farther stage in my recovery than I’ve ever been and here’s what’s happening.
I am starting to see him for who he really is. Not the scum ball, son-of-a-bitch who did such terrible things, but the truly and incredibly damaged and emotionally demented individual he sadly is. I see him for real now, and for the first time. This is just beginning to happen. Kind of like the rose colored glasses are beginning to come of. The hate is dropping, I’m just seeing what it all truly is and it’s hurting me less.
All I can tell you is that I have stayed true to myself and have been focused each day on being the best that I can be on all levels. Each day, I just do what I need to do for me and for those I love.
I’m eating well, working out, sleeping, relaxing, reading, going to movies and spending time with my son. Simple stuff, but a far cry from the insane life I lead with my ex.
Now I think if he walked through the door and begged me to come back, I’d say, “Why would I WANT to sign up for THAT again?” All the worry and wondering where he was…what he was doing….who he was with…..who he was talking to….him, him, him, him…….I’ve FINALLY stopped thinking about him ALL the frickin’ time.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s still in my thoughts. But it’s like I just can’t take that energy that I’m putting in better places and direct it at him anymore.
Another thing I learned is that the need to “catch him red-handed” and “make him pay” stuff, was all about me thinking that would take my power back. It wasn’t. It ACTUALLY was that I didn’t want to accept that I did not win.
I didn’t win. “WE” (he and I) didn’t win. Our so called “deep bond” didn’t win. No matter how much I did, or how hard I tried, I LOST. I NOW accept that. I lost. Simple as that.
Like an Olympic athlete who put her life into going for the gold, I didn’t make it. Nor did I even make the podium. But I DID give it my all. I DID do all I could. I just lost. Do we look DOWN on those athlete’s who don’t bring a medal home? NO. I’m no different.
You MAY be thinking, “that bastard is up there with the Gold”. But the truth is, he may be up there and getting all the glory, but he can’t feel it one bit.
Secondly, he can’t feel good about it because he got it from using serious amounts of steroids. He goes between worrying about being caught and losing all the adoration (which is all based on a lie), to not giving a damn because he feels entitled to cheat. But he NEVER thinks about the idea that what he did was WRONG. Because THAT doesn’t even cross his mind. He actually thinks he’s the superior one and deserves the medal because he managed to get around the system and win and not be found out. But that’s the ONLY pleasure he gets. He NEVER feels the true joy of being real and feeling good about who you are and what you have accomplished, based on being your all. Not EVER.
So WHO is the winner now, really?
Peace Sisters
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
So true still!!
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Deceived says:
I wish I could be a bigger person and rise above all the muck he brought into my life. I have never known evil until I met this man. I just wished he was dead…not be around to hurt and con other women. But the reality is he IS out there conning other women – many women. I posted a warning about this man to give other women a fighting chance at least against this man. He wrote and asked me to take down the post as it was negatively impacting his relationships. Did it feel good to expose him for who and what he truly is? Yes it did.There are many other unsuspecting women out there that will fall for his lies and charm. I am sure I will not be his last victim. But I am glad I made that post and exposed him for the evil scheming man he truly is. It just amazes me when I look back when I first met him how good, kind, decent he “appeared” to be. These people can really put on a show and it’s next to impossible not to believe them. What a frightening reality!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Deceived,
Your feelings are not “bad” or make you “less of” a person for not “rising above” them….give yourself some time. Even Jesus became angry and drove the money changer greedy creeps from the Temple, so anger is a natural emotion when we see or experience injustice. We just don’t want to hang on to that anger forever, but we never want to forget what those people DID…because it was unjust and bad, and time doesn’t change that.
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brokenpieces says:
shms,
We win.
We win our lives and our sanity back. Glad to hear that you are doing better! I always felt some sort of way when I caught him red handed that is hard to explain…like ah ha!!! I got you now you lying sack of sh_t! I thought I won when I caught him…but…it never got me anywhere…he just lied his way out of it even though I caught him and knew he was lying! He would actually thank me sometimes when I would catch him b/c he said it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. bizarre. Thank you for your post…it is motivating to me.
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brokenpieces says:
I am not wanting to fool anybody…he still has a hold of some sort on me even when I know he is living with the one he cheated on me with…he swears that he is not “living” there and that he just needed to get out of his parents house for awhile blah blah blah lie lie lie. i tried before to break all contact completely but I failed…It is all getting much better though…I am living my life now with just a bit of him and his lies in the background and I have not seen him now in person for awhile….but I still sometimes respond to his texts even though I know they are lies. (I have seen oxy write about her skillet..lol..am I a good candidate for her to pull out her skillet on?) Even after knowing all of this stuff and reading and reading and reading…I guess I am still letting him continue his game in some sort of a way. I just can’t seem to bring myself to go completely NO CONTACT…perhaps I am a hopeless cause? idk. Even if I think for one second that I may have been misleading to anybody on here and projected the idea that I am out of this with him completely when I am not…I feel the need to make the truth known b/c since I have been lied to and deceived so much…I would never want to do that to anybody else.
It bothers me that he is living with that girl and still texting me how much he loves me and that he would up and leave her place to move away with me…I want to tell her b/c I know that she is sitting there thinking that he is for real this time and I want to expose him but I won’t. I have done it before with the same one and she keeps taking him back no matter what. Same as I always did. Plus if I do that…it will make him go loopy..and if she kicks him out he will come banging on my door..so I think it is in my best interest just to keep my big mouth shut. I want to give other people on here advice…but I guess I can just be encouraging and say that I relate to their stories and that I am trying to get better…because I can’t really give advice since I am still struggling with going no contact completely myself. Is it sick of me to almost feel satisfaction that he is not being faithful to her either since he is still texting this stuff to me? Please don’t judge me :/ I know that I shouldn’t feel that way…but I do.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Broken pieces,
Yep!!! You deserve the BOINK!!! from the skillet!!! You KNOW you should go no contact, and you still “let him play games” with you. But NO ONE here will “judge” you, but doesn’t mean we won’t say that contact is a BAD IDEA! I’ve gone back and broken NC myself so I’m not throwing stones at you that I haven’t dodged myself!
It is, seriously, SO important to cut that contact off and to TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, as long as YOU allow him to have power over you, the real healing can’t start!
Ask yourself, what are you gaining by continuing to listen to his LIES? There is nothing healing about listening to them, and just hanging on to the CRUMBS he throws you, because as long as you listen, HE IS IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!
Take back that control, girlfriend! YOU can DO IT! We can’t help you do it, we can only cheer you on from the side lines, but it is up to YOU to ACT on what you KNOW IS RIGHT! You are stronger than you know, and as strong as you need to be! (((Hugs))) and God bless.
ps. no, it is not sick of you to be glad he is cheating on her too, but he will cheat on ANY WOMAN, you, her and the next one, because HE IS THE LIE.
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Deceived says:
A good friend of mine told me that I have to treat no contact with the ex like an addiction. It was hard not to respond but I made good on that commitment – no contact EVER. It was one of the best advise I have ever listened to and followed after the break up. He said “You are finally saying no more. It is your last word. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict”.
And truly I wanted no more and no part of his sick games. Any contact with the ex only hurts me. I believe any contact he makes with me is a test to see if he can still reel me back in. And there is no way I will continue to allow him to keep hurting me to keep me down.
So NO CONTACT is the best decision I ever made.
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dahlrich says:
Deceived…how long has it been for you – the no contact? For me it’s been 6 days. I do have to get in touch with him sometime as he has my things and I have some of his. Maybe I’ll find someone else to do it for me??? It’s so hard.
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silvermoon says:
NC also, I believe includes fantasizing, remembering and all of the mental activity around the disordered. Letting go isn’t just on the outside.
Its a total program in which no, means no.
He can’t get to you if you don’t consider him at all.
I find myself a bit disturbed knowing he is at large again, but that is a long way from from where I was almost a year ago- totally disbelieving and upside down. The amount of mental yoga I did to try to rationalize it all! I look back and shake my head. Not alone in the initial reaction, but with the herd as far as what follows from NC no kidding.
Agreed with EB, education and educating and supporting other people is a great solution for filling the void and owning what you learn. Even when you can’t be strong for yourself, you can for others. And the advocacy of education is a good thing.
How many times has the discussion here been one of observing how little real information was available to any of us before we got hit by a disordered personality?
In time, I find desire to let it all go and to go on. Not wanting in particular to be a champion for the knowledge, but an owner of it who has moved on.
Found other things to love and nurture, grown into my own shoes.
Cautiously re approaching the world from a place of distrust borne of mistreatment like a pet that must learn to re evaluate a new home away from an abusive one.
The suffering I have seen and shared here is to the deepest levels. And it is worth what can be done to lift it from here, to save others from it and to have the world we live in free of disordered and abusers.
One step, one day at a time.
Until that day, I’ll be right here.
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Findingmyself says:
Now I have a question for everyone regarding no contact. Are there any of you who are at the point that you are able to communicate, speak to, see in person your exSpath and be unmoved, indifferent? Like everyone else here I have my good days and some bad days. More good than bad lately–YEAH!! However, I know in the past just hearing his voice, looking at his pictures, I was weak and all it took was one phone call with all his empty promises and lies of love and devotion and I was jello in his hands again. After this last break this past summer and initiating no contact, the couple times I took his phone calls and broke it, I really didn’t “feel” anything towards him. He was telling me how much he loved me, missed me, all the CRAP. And for the first time ever, I was unmoved, unaffected, emotionless-I actually wondered if that is how he felt about me the entire relationship, if that makes any sense. To a degree I had a glimpse of what it might possibly be like to be him, with the exception I wasn’t blowing smoke up his ass while having no feelings towards him. Has anyone else got to this point or know what I am asking? I’m kinda laughing as I type this wondering if this is going to make a lick of sense to anyone!
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Deceived says:
I read a book “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” written by Susan Anderson. She wrote something on the book that really bothered me.
She wrote: “What complicates the picture even more is that one person’s abandoner might be another person’s lifelong partner”.
Do you think it is possible for your ex who treated you horribly and caused so much damage in your life be a lifelong partner to another woman? That your ex could and would treat her differently AND in a better way? I find that thought disturbing and confusing. IF that were true, what does that say about us who were not treated well? That part of the book bothers me.
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firefly says:
Findingmyself – To answer your question about wondering if this is how he felt towards you – no. You are just at a point where you “know” what he is about; to him, you were “supply,” an object, and a means to one of many ends.
I don’t feel moved by seeing him other than to move the heck away from him.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear deceived,
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT! A psychopath is equally evil to ALL partners, and they are INCAPABLE OF LOVE period! So I will vouch for that! You may have a “break up” with a guy that is not your soul mate but is someone else’s but he/she will not BETRAY and abuse you….and if they will betray and abuse YOU they will betray and abuse others. Not all break ups are with evil people, but all psychopaths are EVIL people.
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Deceived says:
Dahlrich – It had been 2 years and 11 days for me. Two weeks was my birthday and he wrote to me. As usual, I did not respond. Other letters he mailed to my home I mailed back unopened. I guess he missed his old “dog” he could kick around anytime he wanted.
They are very good at wearing you down so I have learned to keep my distance and silence.
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silvermoon says:
Amen Ox.
If someone betrays like the disordered do, why would anyone consider it worthwhile to allow them another chance to do it?
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results!
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Deceived says:
Thanks Ox. I am glad you said that. You confirmed my thoughts on these sub-humans.
I agree – not all breakups are with evil people. But once you have encountered one, you TRULY do not forget that experience and they leave a bitter taste in your mouth. You are never the same again.
I no longer believe that there is good in everyone, not true. This experience taught me that some people are just rotten to the core. And they enjoy the act of lying, cheating and manuipulating. It’s a thrill for them and they get a rush from it. Sick but true.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Deceived,
There are several LIES we are taught as children:
1) THERE IS GOOD IN EVERYONE—a LIE!!!! There are some people who are evil to the core.
2) It takes two to fight–wrong, it only takes one bully and one victim.
3) There are two (valid) sides to every story–not TRUE, some stories are COMPLETE LIES.
4) Believing in and loving someone enough makes them better people—NOT TRUE, no matter how you believe in and love a psychopath they will never change, they will continue to be evil, and harmful.
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StillHaveMySoul says:
Dear BrokenPieces.
BEEN THERE! DONE THAT!
Why do you contact him? Cause it’s a THRILL BABY! It makes your adrenaline rush, like a drug. The world stops. You feel alive. You feel high. Just like ANY junkie. He’s your drug. And you’re the addict.
I do NOT speak in judgement of you. I speak from EXPERIENCE! I was an addict too. And I had to learn WHY I was an addict. In my 40s and I’m STILL digging crap out of my childhood. OH PLEASE. But it’s just gotta be done. Amazing how after years of therapy there’s still stuff I had not figured out. Amazing to have new insights at this age.
“Satisfaction, that he’s not being faithful to her cause he’s in touch with you.” BEEN there done THAT one TOO! As he crawled out of my bed and I KNEW into hers that night, I thought, “HA, when I catch him red handed, I’ll BUST him to her about how he’s cheated on her.” Then he’ll lose her. But this guy could sell ice cubes to eskimos. She’d buy his bullshit. I know the lines he used. He used them on ME. I bought them TOO. Until he did it AGAIN and AGAIN. The lines only went so far.
Dear Deceived.
I am glad you said the thing about “TRULY not wanting to be part of his sick games.” It’s important that we post our stages, so others can know what can and does happen. Because we ALL know what it is to be in the stage of letting go and it’s SO painful and it feels COMPLETELY impossible. It’s important to talk about what happens when we start to let go off the rope that is wrapped around our neck and connects us to them.
BrokenPromises,
There is only ONE ALMIGHTY rule. EVERYONE talks about it because EVERYONE knows that NO CONTACT is the beginning of recovery. You are STRUGGLING with letting go. WE ALL GO THROUGH THAT. Some for frickin’ YEARS. But I can tell you that you will struggle FOREVER with this pain if you do NOT go NO CONTACT.
No Contact feels like holding on to his hand for dear life, as he is drowning in the ocean, and we want to much to save them, to save the relationship, to save ourselves by saving them. IT DOESN’T WORK. You can hold on FOREVER, but you will FOREVER be lost in the middle of the ocean, going NOWHERE, with this idiot at the end of your hand telling you how he loves you one minute and how he hates you the next.
Bottom line. He isn’t kind, he lies, you betrayed your love, he shared something really sacred with someone else – KNOWING how it would hurt you, he denied the truth, he tried to make it that it was your fault, he didn’t take responsibility for his actions, he acted like a jerk. A VERY charming and smooth, JERK.
It DEFIES logic to have a site with TONS of people saying THE SAME thing about these people and that YOU are the ONLY one who has the one who will “change”. You know better. NO contact SUCKS. I STILL have pangs. Seconds of missing him. But I’m with deceived, I have been using my energy for ME and I’m ENJOYING the results and I feel SOLID. I had forgotten what it’s like to put effort in and MOVE FORWARD. He kept me in such a crisis way of life, I could NEVER get ahead. It was 3 steps forward and 5 steps back. I was a gerbil on a wheel and It was NEVER going to end. So you can stay on that wheel, but the WHEEL won’t stop doing what the WHEEL does. The gerbil has to decide he’s gonna break out of the cage.
Peace Sisters
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StillHaveMySoul says:
Dear FindingMyself,
It’s a DANGEROUS line to walk to be around him as you “feel nothing”. We all know what PROS they are at reeling us back in.
I felt NOTHING 6 months ago. I had NO desire for him. I would have bet my LIFE that I was DONE with him. Then one night he sent me a sexy text. I hadn’t had sex in months and I actually thought I could go for a roll in the hay and then kick his ass out the door after. I even KNEW he was going home to his new victim. I HONESTLY thought I didn’t care.
“I just need to get laid,” I crassly told myself.
Well GUESS what? It was such passion, I literally fell back in love with the idiot, like it when we first met! I thought he “felt the same”. And back I went into the abyss. I was worse than I EVER was.
EVEN if you aren’t going to be DOPE and nail the guy, just TALKING to him is dangerous. Even SEEING him puts him on your radar and he doesn’t deserve to even be a blip on the screen.
As the saying goes, “If you play with fire, don’t expect not to get burned.”
My two cents.
Peace Sister.
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Findingmyself says:
Dear StillHaveMySoul- I live states away from him, so there is never going to be a roll in the hay or seeing him ever again. I have no desire or love for him any longer. As a matter of fact, I can now look at his pictures and think “EWWWW!!” Not even attracted to him in the least bit.
I was only thinking back to one of the last conversations I had with him, where his empty words/promises were not making me feel a damn thing, as they in the past. I have often thought about how he was unable to move me, manipulate my emotions, I really felt disconnected from him, and i just wondered if that is a sample of how he really felt about me since they are unable to actually feel emotion or love. I could have told him anything during that conversation that he wanted me to say, but I wouldn’t have meant it, it would have had no emotion behind it, just empty words, does that make sense? Just like when he told me he loved me, but he really didn’t mean it or feel it; I could have said those words to him (like he was trying to get me to say) and they would have been just words with no meaning behind them.
No more fire for me, I’m done getting burned.
Hugs
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trueloveistrue says:
UPDATE:
@Stillhavemysoul-
I really like your “ocean” analogy.
It rings so true for most of us,and really touches on how I feel.
I broke NC(by peeping at info about him on the internet, “just to see”)..ha
OK-
I totally couldnt help my “need to know”.
I discovered that my ex spath is about to get married to the new girl.
Shes probably pregnant,as well,like I was.
I would be 7 months along now,if I hadnt lost the baby..
And here is is already getting married to a new chick.
Gee,well at least he didnt have to spend money on an engagement ring.
If she wears a 5 and 1/2,he probably just gave her the one he gave me just 5 months ago..
Like I said before,he doesnt waste any time…
Still,although I “checked in” because I was curious,
I am still feeling pretty strong.
I am only More convinced now,that he is definately a spath.
Not once,though have I dreamt of telling this new female about what happened,nor am I tempted.
Wouldnt contact her at all,because I think it would be tacky,no matter..
As I’ve said before,It is so Not My Style to meddle in others peoples buisness.
I can only pray for her and wish her the best in my mind.
Maybe it will work out for them,who knows?
Its like someone mentioned,earlier,what if they get with a new person and it works?
Who am I o say?
Either way…
He probably did use the same ring he gave to me just five months ago when he asked me to marry him.
I gave him back his engagment ring the night he was violent,and out of control..
She has probably not see that side of him,and if she has,but stays…
Then she Really is in need of prayers.
Onwards and upwards..
To my new life I’ve just begun,and to the New Guy I met,who thinks Im fabulous..
Life Does and Will go on.
Surely I made me feel sad,but I am also THAT much more positive that I do not want him,or anyone for that matter who can move on so quickly and easily..
What is real or deep about that?
I also was told by my best friend in AA today,that he showed up at MY AA homegroup(he’d only gone there once before with me,and it is Not his normal group)..
Odd?
Well,whatever.
He could be having second thoughts now that hes engaged..Again..
Plus,if he also got her pregnant,as he did me,he is pretty much committed and it may be freaking him out..
So hastily..
Now I pray my “need to know” will be quenched,and I can NOW Truly move forward..
One thing it DID do for me,is strengthen my resolve that I did NOT respond to the e-mail he sent to me,a mere week ago..
Its Over!
Im Done with him..
I want REAL love,and believe in it!
A spath,unfortunately,is an experience that one has to find out for themselves..
Maybe the mission here is to warn others of the signs(which Is good)..
And the other to help those of us going through,or “been through”,the way out of the craziness.
Either way,I can honestly say..I regret Nothing..
It reminded ME..I could be in love.
He did not take money from me,so I may be different in some ways from people on here.
I would have most likely laughed if he had asked me for any..
Never the less,I was Very involved with him..
I know it is a pattern for him.
(I have given myself time since the split before jumping into something.
Dont think itd be fair to rebound on anyone elses feelings)
Also.when he and I were together,he actually spent alot of money on me..
So again,There I dont relate…
Where I do relate though,are to the 10 principles in “How TO Identify A Spath”..10 things to look for.
It ALL happened with he and I..
And clearly,since he got with her immediately after leaving me…
He took the same road once again..
I look forward to getting to know this new man..
He is younger and in great shape..
Very physically and piritually attractive to me..
But if Ive learned ANYHTHING at all from my ex..
I will be taking this relationship with the new guy,VER-R-R-Y SLOW….
Thanks for reading…
*Since I didnt actually respond to him or contact him,I am not going to consider this breaking No Contact..
I wouldve most likely found out eventually anyway,especially since hes popping up at my AA homegroup…
I DO believe in God,so maybe part of it is being absolutely,100% convinced to let go..
Anyway..
Goodnight all!
Truelove
(Report abusive comment)
jeannie812 says:
Feeling stupid and used. Feeling like the dirt on his shoe.
We shouldn’t feel this way, but why do we feel this way. Tell your neighbor what he did and they laugh at you and ask you how old are you. While they tell you about the window installer who ripped them off.
I felt so victimized that I didn’t connect that this neighbor is suffering too, I just took the sting of stupidity. And I really sunk deep in the pile of shit.
I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t lash out at the neighbor cause the neighbor is helping me now that Jack Ass is gone.
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shabbychic says:
Findingmyself, I think I understand what you are saying. I was involved with someone I consider to be a spath, I saw him for 1 year and was really in love (with my fantasy). Things got real bad, then he was deathly ill, had a transplant, I didn’t see him for about 10 months… then this past spring & summer he was making suprise pop-in visits here about every 2 weeks, one time pratically dry humping me on the couch… I pushed him off me. I felt nothing for him because now that I have the knowledge of what he is, and that he has no feelings for me whatsoever… it would be like making love to a reptile. He was not able to hook me in, I did feel sort of detached. He said the empty words about a “relationship”, “I can’t stop thinking about you”, “we were so good together”, but I knew he was just here on his own agenda, just here to see if I was the same easy mark that I was before, to make sure he’s still “got it”. I did nothing with him, he has stopped coming over here (so I guess everything he said was just a lie, OMG! LOL). I knew I woudn’t get my “fix” from him (my addiction) because I know he doesn’t care for me. The only emotion I feel now is sadness because I wish upon a little star that he was real.
I am angry I am going through the sadness again.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
SC,
what you wrote is so sad. no wonder it’s so hard to get done with it.
I’lll try to explain how I deal with it: I just detach from it having ANYTHING to do with me. It’s not about me. it’s about the lessons that I need to learn so that I get what a sociopath is. Then I can teach others and I can see clearly what kind of world we live in. Because it’s going to get worse. The sociopaths are on a roll. read it on the news and read it in the financial section. It’s all about them right now. But people are fighting back and we, LF, are going to be vital to this fight. Look at all the news articles about “sheeple” refusing to be scanned and groped when they travel! yeah, you know what I mean.
So, dry humping him was a booster shot. It wasn’t your weakness, it was your subconcious telling you, that youneeded a reminder. It hurt but it was protection.
I wish I could give you a real hug.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
I have a new analogy for describing the spath: stepping in a steaming pile of sh*t.
Example:
We are walking along and step in the biggest, stinking pile of sh*t ever. How did that happen? it stunk so bad that you’d think we would have smelled it a mile away! But, for years before that, we had stepped in smaller little increments of shit and it had stuck to our shoes. Sometimes we would sniff the air and say, “WTF?” but then our noses would get accustomed to the smell and we would continue walking. By the time we got to the “OMG, what a stinking pile of SH*T”, we were so used to the smell that we didn’t see it until we stepped in it.
But this Sh*t smelled to high heaven so we finally noticed it. and boy was it traumatic! The stink was unreal and unbelievable. so we quickly washed it off and also noticed the old dry sh*t that had accumulated over the years. We washed that off too. but it was hard and needed extra scrubbing, because it had been there so long. Finally we have clean shoes. thank God for the sociopath, whose STINKING PILE OF SH*T finally made us notice the crap on our shoes.
Now we have a story to tell our grandchildren. I can see us now. The child says, “Grandma, tell me a story.”
We say, “I remember the time I walked right into a steaming pile of sh*t and stepped in it. The memory of that smell will never leave. the odor was so powerful that it numbed my olfactory senses initially. It took2 5 years for the sensation to return. Every once in a while I go back to the steaming pile of sh*t, to see if it’s still there, to see if it still smells as bad as I remember it and to see who else might have stepped in it” (that’s when we brake no contact). “It’s still there. I put up signs to warn others about it, but there will always be people who just don’t read the signs and they step in it. It’s left foot prints all over. You gotta watch where you step, baby. Still, I gotta be grateful for that stinking pile of steaming sh*t, cuz if it weren’t for that steaming pile of sh*t, I wouldn’t have noticed that I was walking around stinking to high heaven for all those years..and I wouldn’t have the clean shoes I got on right now.”
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SeeingClearly says:
SKYLAR: Funny girlfriend lmao. I see you haven’t lost your sense of humor. Made my morning. Thanks. Seeing Clearly
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Findingmyself says:
shabbychic Yes that is what I am talking about. I must admit I had the tinge of sadness that it wasn’t real either. I stayed in the relationship for nearly 4 years. I heard the same lines, “I can’t imagine my life without you in it, you’re the love of my life, blah blah blah; and my favorite line of his- “I” had a good “thing” and I f*cked it up”….WELL, don’t I feel special! It made me realize if you really listen to their words, on top of their lack of action behind their empty words, there really is NOTHING there. Like you said, its our fantasy that they help build in our heads based on their meaningless words they spew out. Hugs Shabby.
Skylar: Great analogy!! Love it!
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shabbychic says:
Findingmyself, one of the most important things I have learned is “don’t listen to what they say, watch what they do”.
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shabbychic says:
skylar, haahahhaahahaa, I have to be careful, I think the steaming pile of sh*t is right outside my front door! LOL
I have to step over it everyday!
(Report abusive comment)
Deceived says:
For me No Contact ALSO means not looking them up on Face Book or Linked In or any other social networking sites out there. It means not trying to know anything about that man and what he’s doing and what he’s up to now. Because I know myself too well. If I learned about his new life without me, I know it would hurt me and bring me AND keep me down. He sent me a friend request on Face Book and an invite on Linked In – I ignored them. We have been apart for 2 years and 13 days and I have never looked him up online – not once. Don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind because it has. But call it self preservation but not knowing about his new life now that we are no longer together is what’s helping me keep my sanity. Looking them up online is like picking at a a scab in my opinion. Just my two cents.
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kim frederick says:
I’m with you, decieved. Just one little peek into the spaths life sets my relapse in motion, and I am once again emotionally reeling. It’s like an addict who sets himself up to use, the whole time he’s trying to stay clean, by say, hanging around with people who are using, or driving by the dealers house, or whatever. It’s just asking for trouble. It keeps the steaming pile of sh– hot…..Yeah, no contact (even emotionsal contact) means I stay balanced and focussed on me, on my life, and on my future. The spath is an old idea I am letting go of…the spath is of the past…I am of the future.
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StillHaveMySoul says:
I just love you all!
You are all so compassionate and funny and honest and beautiful!
I have the deepest respect for all here who are processing “the lesson” and on the journey of truth.
Gosh how the old line of “everything happens for a reason” is waving it’s flag in my life these days. I feel like I’m getting it FINALLY and beginning to actually be THANKFUL for it. Such a cliche, I know, but it’s good to be at this stage on the mountain.
It’s like losing weight, I’ve gained and lost the same 8 pounds so many times, I was so frustrated I could never make it to 9. Well now I’m at 16 and FINALLY past all that marching up the hill and rolling back down again.
Peace Lovely Sisters.
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kim frederick says:
Stillhavemysoul, Yay!!! 16 pounds, you go girl!
Have you ever heard the myth of Prometheus? He was chained on top of a mountain for stealing fire from the Gods…every morning the vultures ate his liver, and every night he grew a new one….now that’s torture, and I don’t know about you, but that’s a lot like my life was living with the spath… but now, I am un_chained, and stillhavemyliver!
LOL.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Excellent analogy Kim,
with the myth and life with an spath. You rest and renew at night and in the morning starts a new day of them trying to chew you up and spit you out!!!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear STill have my soul, congratulations on your weight loss!
I too still have my soul but there is 75 pounds of me that is totally UNEDUCATED, it didn’t even go to HIGH SCHOOL, and I am doing my best to lose that.
I too am at 16 pounds lost! Ah, only 44 more to go to reach my goal! LOL I got on the http://www.fatsecret.com website which you can log in your foods and it automatically calculates the protein, carbs and fat, as well as calories, keeps track of your weight etc. GREAT Site. I am also on a low sodium (salt) diet so I formed a low sodium group there as well, they have groups for diabetes, exercise, etc. and you can blog with others. My name there is the same as Here, OxDrover, so you can look me up and we can be “diet buddies” it really is a cool site and motivates me to stay on my nutritional plan.
The low sodium is the hardest because I am having to read every label, plan meals well in advance and actually learn to cook all over again. My best friend gave me a low sodium, low fat cook book for my upcoming birthday and it seems like it has some good information in it. I’m learning as I go.
Getting SERIOUS about the low calorie meals and losing the weight, and the low sodium (healthy) regime as well. If I don’t do these things to take care of ME my health is going to go SOUTH QUICKLY. I’ll be 64 next month and there are no more “second chances” to get healthy in diet and exercise, it is down hill from here, And it depends on me HOW FAST I GO DOWN HILL with the normal aging process. I can sit on my arse and eat sold and high calories and be SICK or I can eat low calorie healthy and low sodium and get up and exercise and live well for several more healthy, happy and active years—my choice!
I choose to be ACTIVE and healthy rather than SICK! It’s a no brainer to me!
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trueloveistrue says:
When I first joined this forum,I was told that eventually,I would realize that this experience had more to do with me,and why I got myself into a relationship with a spath..
That I would find out more and more,that it was about Me.
That is good news!
I can do something about that.
Therapy and 12 step groups alike,ALL have that in common..
A Solution.
A Goal..
1.NC is definately good advice because it is a tool,and also solution oriented..
(And luckily for me,Progress,not perfection)
2.Venting is one of the oldest traditions in the world for becoming emotionally,and spiritually free.
(Confession for Catholics,and Seeking out the wise man or woman in many American Indian cultures..All based on people in search of spiritual freedom and answers to heartwrenching and questions.)
*My point is that ,for that reason,I think this place serves a wonderful purpose..
How long is the anger towards the spath supposed to continue?
Maybe I am in denial about my own anger,but I really get the feeling that I would have more sanity and peace of mind,by keeping the focus on Me,not Him.
Am I wrong in believing that it is my responsibility to overcome this and quit being angry at THIS Person(the spath)?
The fact is,for me at least,that he did not Ruin my life..
(And if I think he did,am I not just continuing to give away my power to him of my own free will?)
I am grateful and clear about being able to identify a spath now,and how to be more cautious in my next relationship.
Without this,and many other websites that describe what a spath is,I would still be unsure about what just hit me..ha ha
Sometimes,though,to me it sounds as if many people in this forum are just Stuck on Angry,but do not want to recover or take responsibility for their own life.
I do not want to be one of those people.
I want to know how to rise above the situation,and how to come out of this stronger as a result of My work on me.
The longer I stay focused on others,and how they wrong me,the longer I stay stuck.
Although it feels very satisfying to have a place to vent,I am wondering still if it is not simply being self indulgent and self riteous.
I know that the grieving process takes different forms,and I dont want to tell anyone what that process should be,but..
What IS the focus here supposed to be?
Hopefully I am not alienating myself by being so frank,but to me it is important to grow from this,not to let it set the tone for how I live the rest of my life as an angry woman done wrong.
Maybe I will write a book called,”How To Overcome the Spath And Move On With Your Life.”
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Truelove,
Google “Elizabeth Kubler-Ross” and read about the “grief process”—what the “focus is on” changes from day to day and sometimes hour to hour!
Your point about being angry all the time is somewhat right on, HOWEVER, each of us progresses through the grief process (whichh includes anger) at their own pace and time….some of us are “stuck” in anger longer than others, and some of us come BACK to anger over and over, just like we come back to sadness or bargaining, or even acceptance and then revert toan earlier stage. We pro-gress and we re-gress, sometimes on a daily or even hourly cycle, but EACH DOES IT AT OUR OWN STAGE.
Each of us was/is injured in their own way but INJURY itself is universal. Anger is a universal response to an injury.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, who wrote the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” after he spent 4 years in a Nazi prisoner camp in WWII and defined pain’s behavior as acting like a GAS.
A gas expands and contracts to completely fill whatever size container it is in. So does pain. So your pain and my pain may not be “equal” or your loss and my loss may not be “equal” but they BOTH are TOTALLY filling the vessel that contains them (the person) so your pain is total and my pain is total, so therefore it is the SAME and NOT the same. If that makes any sense.
While to you it may (and I quote you) “sounds as if many people in this forum are just stuck on angry, but do not want to recover or take responsibility for their own life. I do not want to be one of those people” then you may have progressed further and faster with your recovery than the rest of us. It may be possible that you don’t need a recovery forum or to learn more about psychopaths.
Your question, “What IS the focus here supposed to be?”
My answer to that questions is that the FOCUS here is supposed to be:
EMPATHETIC SUPPORT FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN PAIN from an encounter with a psychopath from people who understand how devastating the encounter with a psychopath can be.
Yes, we do have to come to an understanding of how our vulnerabilities played a part in the encounter, however, that does not mean that we accept the blame for the abusive behavior that they engaged in.
I hope you are able to successfully write a book on your success and enlighten the rest of the us just how we can aspire to attain your rapidly healing pathway. Godspeed.
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WhyMe says:
ADDICTION!
Yes! Precisely! I’m glad Deceived brot it up this way, & then all the rest of you chimed in about it, & your experiences with your ADDICTION to the sociopath, & why it makes NC so damned difficult!
I think most people have some “addictions”, but it seems that for most of us here, our addictions are ones that rule our lives. I know I’m addictive: smoking since my first cigarette at 4-5 yrs old, & still smoking—chain smoking now since he left me. Drinking almost daily for most of my life (tho I drink very moderately anymore, I still need my few afternoon toddies.) Drugs, yep, I’ve done my share, tho I never even saw that as “addiction”–I thot of it as *choice*! Even tho I finally chose to not do it: What addict-reasoning is that!!! My computer is an addiction. Listening to cable news while at my computer is an addiction.
And wanting to stay in contact of Any Kind is an ADDICTION! And yeah, “Any Kind” does include going to Facebook & MySpace pages or any other source of info about them—as well as—Probly the MOSt important one: the Inner Contact! The constant replaying, remembering all the good times & the bad times, & then trying to fastforward to visualize what they’re doing now….With that woman he abandoned you for! ARGHHHHH!
Kim, like you “just one peek” at anything online (old emails, pictures past or present, current & past postings) is enuf to engulf me in the same old tide & carry me back out to drown in that ocean SHMS talked about.
“Hello, friends at NC-Anon. My name is WhyMe, & I’m a Contact w/ an XSP addict. And I fell off the wagon on Tuesday, & nearly broke with NC again today.”
“I am addicted to checking the forum every day for the Place in Paradise that Jamie & his GW (GodlyWife) & his children live now. I knew that his son was playing music at the best music venue there on Monday nite, so I couldn’t stop myself from looking at the forum to see that he was playing ‘with his father Jamie on the piano.’ Seeing that in print made me feel like I’d been hit in the heart with a cannon ball. I was sposed to be there with him right now. But I’m not. And I can’t accept that. I continue to check the forum everyday. I need help.”
“I am addicted to checking his d-i-l’s FB page daily, even tho I know that she knows she’s not allowed to mention him or his GW on her Wall. And even tho I have to see the GW’s name listed on her info as her “parent!” (& she has a mother & father who adores her…why aren’t they listed?)
I occasionally click on the GW’s name, even tho I know that her FB page is private, but I get to see their wedding picture there again & again. I am an addict. And my addiction is destroying my life & denying my current & future happiness.”
“I woke up this morning with him on my mind (as always), but I had the sudden thot today that maybe his cell phone was still active, even in Mexico. I didn’t expect him to answer it when he saw it was me, but I wanted to leave him a message, telling him what a horrible thing he did to me, & how I hope it haunted him forever. I even typed out the whole message, so I’d know exactly what I wanted to say to him, after his not hearing my voice for over 3 months. I read it out loud several times. And then I dialed the number. His message came on immediately. And I hung up. Even tho I resisted the urge to leave my message, I was pleased that he’d see my name & number on his phone, so he’d have to be reminded of me.”
“I am powerless over my addiction. I’ve told myself I’ve turned it over to my God, but I’m lying to myself & to Him. I am an addict. And I am weak.”
How self-deceptive is it of me to think that someone who’d betrayed me so coldly, so cruelly, so competently for so long would have the least twinge of conscience at hearing my voice telling him that he’d stolen my life & love & hope & dreams!!! It’s been almost 6 months & I have to honestly admit that, using the inclusive definitions of NC, I haven’t been able to go One Damned Day without Contact!
~”How long, Lord, how long? Help me in my unbelief. Forgive me in my unforgiveness. Deliver me from myself.”~
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Whyme,
((((((Hugs)))))) Darling, your post made me cry! I have so been there….with almost all of them at one time or another.
You have made a start, a step, you have admitted that you have an “addiction”—you have admitted that it is ruining your life, and you are seeking help from your higher power! You are working on it.
Start today—make today the first day of NC—instead of going to the FB page, or the other internet venues, come HERE…there is almost someone here 24/7 to blog with you, it isn’t a “chat room” but it won’t take long and I know there are people who will stay with you, so use LF as your P-A group!
Hey, lady, if I could quit cigs, you can quit the contact! I did NOT want to quit cigs, but I knew I HAD TO! And you know you HAVE TO QUIT this contact or you will never get a life! Do it for YOURSELF!!!! I know you can!
BTW, you are as strong as you decide you are! So quit saying “I am weak” or I’ll get the skillet after you! LOL (((Hugs)))) Now go write down I AM STRONG, 500 times and turn it in by supper time!~ ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
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WhyMe says:
i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong i am strong.
Only 490 to go.
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you, Oxy.
I did come here & admit my addiction & my powerlessness, so that I wouldn’t give into my jones & make the call. I’m going to be strong, & I going to see my therapist apptmnt right now. But the day isn’t over.
Thank you for the prayers, thank you for the support, & thank you for the threat of the skillet, & Thank You for your (((HUGS)))!
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StillHaveMySoul says:
Kim,
Thanks for the pat on the back.
Oxy,
Way to go on your lifestyle approach. I’m actually writing a book about losing weight. When I get it published, I’ll let you know.
It is NOT about a diet. NOR is it about a lifestyle. It’s about something NOBODY is talking about. Nobody I’ve read anyway.
It’s worked for me so well, that I feel obligated to write a book about it. It’s changed my life, but all this NEVER would have happened if not for MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU KNOW WHO!
Love to you all.
Peace Sisters
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kim frederick says:
WhyMe, Just take it one day (5 minutes)at a time. When you wake up in the morning ask your higher power for help, say please…and when yougo to sleep at night, say thank-you. Try to recognize that the seemingly anonymous act of checking facebook or whatever is keeping you on an emotional bender….understand that emotional sobriety only comes from abstinance. As Oxy said, come here instead. You could possibly use the twelve steps to help you….I’m convinced they work for almost any problem. I understand how you are feeling. I was in a relationship I wanted out of for 7 years….and yes, I was hooked. Totally powerless. My heart felt prayers are with you.
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Deceived says:
Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. I am not God and I am not into the forgiving business. I was wronged and betrayed and I am angry as hell. I hate this person and no I do not forgive him and will never forgive him for what he did and how he mistreated me.
Sometimes I feel that other people put pressure on themselves to forgive the man/woman who wronged them. If you are able to then good for you. However, there are people like me who do not forgive and have no intention of forgiving the wrong done to me and it has not prevented me from living my own new life.
I am able to function. I have built a new life without him, kept a good paying job and continue to be a good Mom to my son whom I have raised on my own for 11 years w/o help from anyone and no child support.
I do not, will not and will never forgive this man and I’m okay with that.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Deceived,
Each one of us deals with the issue of “forgiveness” in a different way, some people define “forgiveness” differently as well.
My egg donor “defined” forgiveness as “pretending it never happened” and forgetting about it AND trusting those people again.
I do NOT define “forgiveness” as that, but instead, as getting the “bitterness” out of my own heart, the angst, the twisted anger that stood between me and peace. EACH of us is ABSOLUTELY entitled to DEFINE their own feelings. As long as YOU are OK with your feelings, I would never try to define YOUR feelings, that is your own thing, not mine.
My egg donor backed up her “right” to DEFINE my feelings as teaching me about “God”—well, HER god, maybe, but no longer MINE. She no longer has any say in defining my feelings. I took my OWN POWER, and I will defend anyone’s right to define their own feelings. I will share mine with anyone who is interested, but never try to cram my opinion down their throats on what they “should” or “should not” FEEL.
The psychopaths are the ones who try to define our worlds. Gaslight and twist reality. NO MORE!
Love is also a VERB! in my opinion, we ACT love or not, and words don’t count–SHOWING love by how we treat each other.
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Great posts to all!!! whyme hang in there! I am proud of you for getting it out here! type, scream, yell, type some more, cry, holler and type even more. BUT DO NOT HAVE CONTACT! I’t's not easy! the healing process isn’t easy. It is possible! Oxy has given me some great advice. Time and sharing has been a good start for me. NC is the best way to do it! It’s not easy but you will overcome it in time.
Look at it this way… if you look at FB etc. he is keeping you in his posinous spider web, he may as well be there treating you like carp! And yes, you do deserve what ever you were promised and whatever you see that you were tricked into dreaming about with him….. BUT NOT with him. The mask hasn’t fallen off with his new life yet….. trust me it will!!! That’s when you need to be strong and sit back and laugh that the mask will fall off!!! LOLOLOL
Hang in there!
soimnotthecrazee1!!!!
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skylar says:
Deceived,
I know the story of how my spath became a spath.
His father and grandfather abused his mom and he watched, every day. The idea that abusers are powerful was imprinted in his infant mind. As a child of 5 years, he collected all the neighborhood cats and played with them. he has always loved cats. His mom didn’t like so many cats around so she told her friends to put them in a bag and throw them in a nearby river and drown them. She was a stupid, trailor trash woman. My exP was never stupid. Intellectually he was superior to his family and he knew it. Emotionally, he was repressed, but these traumas just made it worse. At age 12 his mom finally divorced his cheating dad. The exP blamed his mom for the breakup. He didn’t know his dad cheated and even if he did, he had long since learned to side with the person in power, which he percieved his father to be. (Another common trait of sociopaths is brown-nosing, the seek to usurp authority without responsibiltiy. I believe this comes from watching other abusers have power over their victims). Angry at his mom, he ran away but she caught him and put him in Juvy. He vowed to “hate you until the day I die”. And he does -even now that she died. There are lots of rotten sociopaths out there, but this guy actually has no other reason for living, than to cause suffering. He is so competely dedicated that he never does anything that won’t offer him another opportunity to be evil. He sells drugs, not for the money, but to stay in contact with the drug addicts and dealers who are easily manipulated into doing his dirty work. I could write a novel dedicated to describing his evil thought process.
My point is this: Sociopaths stay angry. they use anger as their motivation. they wallow in it. That anger is what created their evil and they WANT US TO FEEL IT TOO. It’s why they do what they do. They don’t want to be alone in their HATE. My exP would often say: “I HATE humanity” I didn’t know he REALLY meant exactly that.
I’ve examined my emotions and sometimes I feel angry at the exP. Often feel angry and sick when I see my parents. But when I examine the emotion closer, it’s more of a revulsion. I find the sociopath disgusting like a slimey slug or a creepy bug. Disgust or revulsion is a more appropriate reaction to have when we see evil. Evil is like a rotting creature, so we should be repulsed. Its why we feel slimed or like we need to shower.
Anyway, hating or being angry with the sociopath is like being angry with a virus, scorpion or hurricane or the pile of shit you just stepped in. It’s a waste of energy. They are what they are. We need to protect ourselves from them, but not dwell in anger.
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tobehappy says:
Hello Everyone…
I have been keeping up with reading your posts on here, even though I haven’t posted in awhile.
For those of you who know my story, and literally ‘saved’ my life when I went through some very rough times in the past year, I still carry you around with me…hearing your wisdom and advice in my head always.
I came on here over a year ago, because I got deeply involved with a man who confused me from the start. His words (lovebombing) didn’t match his actions. Even his words to himself..ie: I’m going to do this or that..go to the gym everyday, etc…and he never did what he said.
Most of you know my story…I caught him in lies and then finally found that he was on several dating sites while he texted and called me all day long, and yet didn’t act like he was a “real” boyfriend. He only wanted to see me when he wanted sex. We did little together outside of the phone conversations and bed.
I settled for this, because he was the first man I got involved with for five years after my divorce from a real sociopath (my xhusb was diagnosed by a professional as a sociopth). I was so happy to finally meet a man who proclaimed to love me so much and I felt that I found my best friend/lover.
From the start, my gut feeling was that something wasn’t right, although I enjoyed our hour long phone conversations, and our intimacy.
When I found him on online dating sites I was hurt and shocked and broke it off completely..NC. Five months later, he reeled me back in. Constant texting, emails, apologies.
We got back together and he promised me the world…and it only lasted five months and I ended the relationship when I caught him in another lie.
Well, this past July, we got back together. Only this time, I wanted to be only friends…no benefits. I wanted to see how things would work out. I kept one eye open and was not afraid to confront him when I was confused, and I took control of the relationship..only seeing him when I wanted to and not catering to HIS needs.
We became intimate again..and I realized that I really don’t trust him still. I didn’t feel that he was a true sociopath, but I felt that he was still selfish and manipulating me. Only this time…I called him on all of it.
I realized that when I didn’t “jump” for him, he would get angry. I also realized that he was a very selfish man. I told him that I wasn’t happy just talking and texting on the phone, going to a movie once in awhile, and just getting together when he wanted to have sex.
Once again, I felt like we were just “friends with benefits”. So, I began to make excuses to not see him to only have sex. He got scared and I confronted him again. So, he took me out to eat..which he rarely does…promised me the world…just to get me back in bed.
When we got back together in July, he took his profile off the dating sites that he claimed he was on “just to look at pretty women”.
Well, all along, I lost my feeling of being “in love” with him. I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore…I didn’t trust him still. I started to feel that he was still manipulating me. He would take time off from work to go to Florida for four days to a football game with his buddies…but never spent time doing anything with me. He sensed it and would buy me gifts . I felt that it was all done to get sex from me…it wasn’t sincere.
I didn’t enjoy being with him anymore. And, I told him…this isn’t working for me. He became angry and blamed it all on me…that I wanted “too much”.
Finally I told him that it was over. I then went online to see if he was back on the dating sites. He was. He changed his age and location and put down that he was “just on here to look at pretty woman” ! It showed that he wasn’t a new member..he had been on it over thirty days! I got my answer.
He called me and I blatantly told him that he was the biggest F’ing liar I ever met in my life and that I don’t ever want his friendship even…(which I told him that we could remain friends, when I ended it).
He denied being on the site and funny, but the profile was deleted the same day! lol
I felt FREE when I finally stood up for myself and ended it. This was the third time around with him and I decided that I didn’t love him anymore. He killed any last feelings I had for him.
This time around, I am blocking his number from my phone. I finally realized that I deserve better and I am not settling for a man who doesn’t truly love me.
I feel proud of myself that I was able to confront him this time around, and end it. I feel free now.
Last time, I was shocked, angry, hurt and fell into a self sabotoging depression. I don’t feel this way now. I feel good about myself, that I didn’t allow someone to manipulate me anymore.
I also realized that it wasn’t HIM that I missed last time. It was the low self esteem I had that made me FEAR that I’ll never have a companion and I will be alone forever.
I closed one door, and now I feel confident that all good things will come to me. And, if I have to be “alone” for awhile, its okay. I will continue to work on myself…getting into shape, and taking care of my children.
I’m not sure if he is a sociopath, but I do know that he is totally selfish and out to fill his own needs. He was abandoned terribly as a child by his mother at age ten. Never saw her again…and has NO idea who his father is. He has had two failed marriages and troubled relationships with women. One took all his belongings and burnt them in a truck! ( She was arrested for it!) I always wondered why she did this!…
He is a very emotionally disturbed man who I see as a little angry, negative, unhappy boy, looking for people to leach on and live off of…all to satisfy his own needs. He CAN”T give. He has nothing to draw from.
I am healthy emotionally and strong, and happy. I worked hard to survive and raise my children alone. They are young teens now and I enjoy being with them more than hanging out with a man who is selfish and inconsiderate and can’t give.
Anyway, my healing has been a long journey. I will continue to keep my self esteem up and not let anyone cross my boundaries ever again. I am very selective with whom I let into my life…and I am okay with not being in a relationship..unless its with a healthy man.
I truly believe that you cannot have a healthy relationship until your self esteem is high. Low self esteem and fear allow others to manipulate and abuse us. Its all about feeling good about yourself and being strong….only the strong survive.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear 2BHappy,
I’m glad that you came back here and I am SOOO glad that you realized this man is nothing but a lying sack of chit!
People don’t have to be “serial killers” to be TOXIC and I’ve come to the conclusion that I would RATHER be alone for the rest of my life than to put up with EVEN ONE LIE—-my boundaries are high, and I am glad because I do not want t allow in any liars or users. NOT ANY.
There was a time when I felt SO ALONE and felt like I NEEDED a relationship to be complete, but it is NOT NOW and Now I realize that until I am COMPLETE without a “relationship”, complete IN MYSELF, I don’t need a relationship with some other IN-COMPLETE person. A good relationship is 2 complete persons SHARING that completeness. Not two partial people trying to make a whole person.
Good for you! Enjoy your kiddies and yourself! Be good to yourself! Do things for YOU! (((hugs)))
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