ASK DR. LEEDOM: How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
PDF Con artists are a special category of sociopaths. In fact, most if not all are also psychopaths. If you were tricked by a con artist, I would say you are in good company, since all three of the authors on this blog were also fooled by con artists! This week one of our readers posted her story as a comment to ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?” Her post illustrates many of the important characteristics of a con:
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me – into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things–I said I wanted to move into a home – he helped me find a home – but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
The first thing to notice is that con artists target vulnerable people they meet in settings like ads or the internet. In my case, I was a single mother who was still healing from the loss of a relationship, and I met him through the internet. Depression, anxiety and losses make people vulnerable.
The second thing to notice is that con artists sense what lovers are looking for and pretend to be that person. In particular, they pretend to be emotionally intelligent and caring. They are also charming and fun to be with. The fun part serves to relieve sadness in a person suffering from depression or getting over a loss.
The third and most important thing to notice is that con artists play upon our dreams. I had an experience identical to this woman’s. One day shortly after our marriage my husband asked me, “If you could do anything in the world you wanted to do, what would you do?” I told him I would start a substance abuse clinic where people could receive needed treatment irrespective of their ability to pay. My husband then said, “I’ve accomplished my own goals, now I am going to make your dream come true for you…”
Con artists know when they get your dreams they get you. They then simply do the Bait and Switch Game. You see, they bait you with your dream then switch to something else. They do the switch slowly and subtly over time. Psychologically, the victim doesn’t want to see the switch because then he/she would have to give up on the dream.
By far the most painful, difficult aspect of healing for me has been the fact that my dream (which was basically altruistic) was used to hurt me. Many victims just want a stable, happy family for their children. When these motives, which come from goodness, are used for evil, the effect is particularly damaging. I think that con artists do this damage intentionally, trying to actually murder by suicide. They are on such a power trip, they get enormous pleasure from destroying people. That is a subject for a later post.
So how do you get over having been conned? First don’t give up on your dreams. In my case, the dream changed. I realized that if I worked at it, I could prevent many more cases of mental illness or addiction than I could ever personally treat. Thus my dream transformed into something else.
Second, don’t give up yourself. Your dreams reflect important values and qualities you have. Even though it is very painful to have these used against you, it is even more painful to lose yourself. Don’t let the con artist take any more from you than he/she already has.
Lastly, have the courage to keep working on your vulnerabilities. If depression made you vulnerable, stay in treatment. If loss and loneliness made you vulnerable, work to find more healthy outlets. Take good care of yourself, don’t abuse substances, be sure to exercise and eat right. Write down new goals for yourself and make a little progress in those goals every day. Lastly, give yourself positive messages about making progress and being the good person you are. If you are doing all these things be patient, better times are just ahead.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
jazzy129 says:
Gear tobehappy, You GO girl! You sound like a terrific person, and a wonderful Mom.
I know what you mean about self esteem. Even with all my talents and successes, I have always had a hard time patting myself on the back. I have a history since childhood of severe depression and general anxiety disorder. After I kicked the spath out, the slandering and stalking paralyzed me…nobody but the national victim’s advocates and Lovefraud seemed to believe that I feared for my life. On the chat room (for antiques) that I frequented, I was ostracized and bullied after his slandering. He even posted…WHY DON”T YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF…KARMA GONNA GET YOU AND I’M GONNA MAKE THAT HAPPEN…and the police did not consider that a threat.
But…here’s the good stuff…my real Good friends on the chat room stuck by me and now we talk many times a week. I am planning to go to California next year to visit one of ‘my gals’.
I was able to let go of a long time (12 years) girlfriend who I realized from Lovefraud was a Narcissist. No matter what I did, she would knock me down. She recognized the spath before I did, but she did nothing to help me.
I have a part-time job that I love.
I developed PTSD from fear and anger at the spath. I got stuck, but I finally reached out to the Dept. of Mental Health, and after all the intake interviews, I have a therapist helper coming to my home this coming Thursday. I am nervous as heck because I have isolated myself, but I AM ON MY WAY! I reached out and found the help I needed! I’ve always taken care of others…now it’s my time.
I still have my home. Spath wanted me to sell so ‘we’ could rent a home near his Mommy…I was hesitating with the market analysis…and that’s when the spath showed his true colors. I LOVE my house in the woods! The spath is back with his Mommy (46 year old Dead Beat Dad). Sorry Mom…you raised him. Deal with it. Good luck with that.
I go back and forth with reading on Lovefraud. When I feel strong, I stay away and try to forget the betrayals ( it sticks in my head like a bad headache). When I am overwhelmed, I come back and read that I was not alone in what I went through.
I don’t post often…sometimes I over analyze what to write, and then give up in confusion. I just want you all to know what a life saver this site has been for a slightly weird, artistic, off the wall, but very nice woman who was taken for a ride to hell by a spath.
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tobehappy says:
Thanks Oxy!
I always read your articles and posts even though I don’t post. You have so much wisdom and I learn so much from you.
I had to go back with him one last time to prove to myself that I could stand up for myself. I needed to know for sure if he really loved me like he said he did over and over. They are very confusing to deal with.
I went back into the relationship testing him from day one. I was stronger and different and I could see how upset he got when I didn’t let him manipulate me. He knew I was wiser and stronger. I was totally myself..not afraid to rock the boat. And I did rock it alot. I was almost chuckling at his anxiety and frustration when he couldn’t control me. I played the game…only this time…with new rules..MY rules. If he didn’t like it…he could leave.
And, he did look for new supply, obviously, by going back onto dating sites!
I told my sister..he is like a little boy not a man. And, it turns me off. He was even too stupid to manipulate me. All I asked for was time together to go out and get a cup of coffee together or a bite to eat…time out of the bedroom.
He could have wined and dined me a little and got what he wanted. But, he was too stupid to even do that!! Too cheap. Too selfish.
I weaned him out slowly…not running to him when he only wanted sex…only seeing him when he offered to take me out. And, he proved to me that he only wanted what he wanted. He got angry. He proved his proclaimed “love” for me! lol’
I feel good about myself now..that I didn’t allow him, this time around, to control me. I plan to continue to work on feeling good about myself…and keeping my self esteem up so that I don’t allow another man to manipulate me and lie to me.
Thanks Oxy…
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jazzy,
It has also been a life saver for a VERY weird, artistic, off the wall jack ass riding old woman too! LOL
I’m glad that you sought out some help. There is nothing wrong with admitting we need help. I too have always been the helper, but now I appreciate the help! Seems odd at first, but I’m getting used to it! Taking care of MY needs and not trying to shoulder the entire burdens alone!
2Bhappy, glad you are taking care of yourself first too!
(((hugs)))) to you both!
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tobehappy says:
Thank you Jazzy! You sound like a wonderful woman too! I also have a history of depression and anxiety disorder from being raised by a sociopathic abusive mother. She was awful…a liar, cheater, and verbally and physically abusive. So, the “betrayal bond” was definitely into play in my life! I attracted many abusive men into my life. Thank God I had the strength to walk away from them..only I should have RAN when I saw the first red flags!!
You will get stronger. I went to a domestic violence center and was lucky to find a wonderful therapist. I ended up helping alot of women in the groups there. It helped me and reinforced in me, how to be strong and set boundaries…with everyone. I also had to cut out some “friends” who were also bringing me down by putting me down.
You are not alone in this. My brother is still married to his narcisstic controlling wife and is so weak and knocked down from her over the years..that he is disabled and on medication and more depressed than ever. He is buried so deep that his life is ruined.
I won’t let anyone do this to me, just to be in a relationship and not alone. I feel that I am never alone…I have ME and God,…which I believe is the power we all have inside of us ..the “gut feeling”…the “instinct” that guides us. We only have to learn to trust it and listen to it.
Just write and vent your feelings on here…even if they seem to come out crazy. Its ok. Its good therapy.
I have been doing anything and everything to make myself happy in the past year…went to the gym for awhile…(looking to join a new one), spending time in thrift stores (which I LOVE)…I even dug out my oilpaints. I ride my bike..have lunch and shop with friends..hang out with my girls…watch my recorded shows at nite…(Ellen, the View…SNL…Doctors).
So, I don’t have a male companion right now. I also don’t have cancer!
I wake up everymorning and lie in my bed thinking of ten things I am grateful for..even before I step out of bed! This helps too.
Keep posting Jazzy. (I used to have an all white cat with green eyes. His name was Jasper…I called him Jazzy! lol)
Work on making yourself happy, Jazzy. Whatever it takes.
You’ll eventually feel better. HUGS
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jazzy129 says:
Thank you, guys (gals…I from the North…we always say You guys)
No man in my life for the first time EVER….I just feel that I’m stuck and have to take care of me and the 3 rescue friends (cats) right now. One of my rescue darling is named Jasmine…I usually change the names, but she was already 10 when i adopted her,,,so Jazzy it is!
There is a lovely gentleman who’s VERY interested, but I have told him I’m not and he’s cool with that. We go to auctions and I give him home cooked dinners to reheat at home 1 -2X a week. I LOVE to cook, and have to cook healthy to keep off those cholesterol meds…I’m borderline. He is diabetic and loves the home cooked meals, and I love the thank you phone calls from a single guy that doesn’t cook! I guess I will always be a giver, but on my terms now!
So the therapist is coming to my house Thursday…she is about 30 and cute as a button….but I think she’s tougher than she looks. I warned her that I will probably freak since i have been so isolated since the spath. I was always a bit of an oddball and loner of choice, but it has been so much worse. I am unable to prioritize at all, except for the cats, of course. I guess if I was ever able to have a child it would be the same way. Kids and God’s creatures come first. I’m not a hoarder, and my house is not dirty, but I cannot seem to organize at all. I’ve struggled the past 2 years since the spath, but I finally realized that the PTSD will not lift ’til I get professional help.
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jazzy129 says:
By the way, if anyone is in the same boat…the organization is called DMHAS…The Department of Mental Health and Addition Services. Don’t let the addiction part scare you…they have to lump the 2 together. You can get help anywhere in U.S. if you have trauma and PTSD from being involved with a sociopath…no addictions required!
Get help…you’all have paid your dues and taxes just like me. Get help.
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jazzy129 says:
The Department of Mental Health and ADDICTION Services. Sorry, spell check didn’t help with that!
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tobehappy says:
Look into Byron Katies work…online. It helped me with the PTSD. I realized that the things I was telling myself were causing my anxiety. Loving What Is is a great book..its my Bible.
I had PTSD last year badly. I didn’t have insurance to get help..only through the free domestic violence center. But I did “the work” from Byron Katie and I got rid of the debilitating feelings I had from my thoughts. Check it out..
I think you have to stop beating yourself up for being conned and accept the fact that there are evil people out there and we need to be strong and take care of ourselves through this journey. I hear about so much deception everyday…that I don’t feel so alone. Just in the media alone…no less people I know personally…..
I am raising my girls to be strong and tough. And…have confidence in themselves. Life is not easy or fair…
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jazzy129 says:
tobehappy, Thanks for that! I don’t have the money, either. Worked 2 jobs since I was 15 and now get SSDI and report my part time work earnings. the Department of Mental Health and Addictions…DMHAS… is a federally funded agency…NO or low cost to whoever is eligible. It took me a long time of internet searching to find them. I hope posting here can give one needy person a short cut to Government services that are available. at NO or Low cost.
Going to check out…Byron Katie right now…but I don’t have the money to buy a book. All my money goes to the mortgage or the cats. Jasmine had a skin allergy yesterday and got a depo-medrol shot…$25, but the Vet didn’t charge me an exam fee…God Bless her!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Jazzy,
That must be a state or county regulated program or is it federal? The rules will vary for each boundry. I am glad that you are getting the help you need and at home!!!! I am proud of you for reaching out for help! As Oxy would say TOWANDA!!!!
not crazee!
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jazzy129 says:
I believe that DMHAS may be for my state…Ct. Great agency!
There are agencies for all States…United States Department of Health and Human Services. You need to check your state. Even my therapist could not help me that much…I did the search on my own. This is one search you need to do if you need help.
The National Center for Victims of Crime can also help with your State.
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jazzy129 says:
soimnothtecrazee1…ha! love your name! You are correct. I did not realize that my agency was for Connecticut.
There is Federal funding for every State…remember the taxes we pay every year? I believe that the United States Department of Health and Human Services can help anyone in ANY State find a provider?
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jazzy129 says:
Also…as I stated before…The National Center for Victims of Crime.
These are the folks who talked to me all hours of the night while I was being actively stalked.
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jazzy129 says:
Written enough for now. I still can’t believe what i have been through. Hope i helped just one person who’s stuck in fear and hate (never knew hate before) like me. Exhausted. Time to pet the cats and take a nap. Gosh, I love you’ze guys! Thanks!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
Thanks for sharing Jazzy and have pleasant dreams!
not crazee! LOLOL
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tobehappy says:
Jazzy, thanks for the advice. I will look that up for my state, NJ. I am also on disability. I am trying to save my house right now..going to mediation in February. Hopefully they will lower my monthly payments. I am allowed to work and make an extra 1k a month also, so I may substitute teach a few days a week after the New Year. I will need xtra income to surive since my socio husband decided to move to FLA so that he doesn’t have to pay child support. They would always find him here and pick him up on a warrant. THAT man is a sure sociopath. A professional told me to run far from him..he “has the heart the size of a pea”!
Anyway, we are not alone. I read Donna’s book and realized how many of these socios are out there…conning people.
Its all about taking care of ourselves now..and not holding onto the pain and devastation of being fooled. Learning to protect ourselves from the evil out there.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jazzy,
That is a GREAT recommendation, even if it were only for YOUR ONE STATE, who knows how many people are here from that one state?
That is GREAT that you took the inititative and got out there and found that resource.
The National Center for Victims of Crimes is another great resource.
Part of my problem was when I was actively being STALKED I didn’t have SENSE ENOUGH to seek out any of these places that might have been helpful to me.
The only thing I did FINALLY have sense enough to do was RUN and hide.
That’s the thing about all of “this” interaction with these predators is that sometimes the TERROR that we experience is so overwhelming it destroys our ability to THINK and function.
It is kind of hard to focus on PLANS and THINKING when there is a bear barreling down on your arse at 100 mph or bullets whizzing by your head.
There were times I felt like it was ONLY God and me but fortunately, he had sent His angels to help me when I needed them the most. Donna and Lovefraud were one of those angels too.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jazzy,
You know you were talking about your friend that you cook for sometimes and are FRIENDS with….really, I think that is the BEST way to have a relationship at least to start with….to get to know each other as FRIENDS. Our romantic relationships should ALSO be about being FRIENDS with our mates. Sex and romance only goes SO FAR and if you do not enjoy each other’s company as FRIENDS there is really not much of a relationship there.
I ran into a guy I had been friends with in college, GOOD friends,, and we liked the same things, auctions, flea markets, junk stores etc. and we started hanging out together as FRIENDS only and it was really FUN and was nice to have someone to go around with…and I MIGHT HAVE BEEN INTERESTED in him except that he had married and had kids late in life and at 64 had a 12 yr old and an 18 yr old and I really wasn’t interested in raising two kids who were ILL MANNERED at any age, much less at that age, but in any case, after about 4 years of hanging out together, I realized he was NOT someone I could trust…it wasn’t a BIG deal that he got greedy about, but he didn’t KEEP HIS WORD, ONCE, and that was enough. I had also seen other things, little things really, but they added up to things I could never have “lived with” if we had been romantically involved.
I told him to take a hike over the dishonesty thing (and it was small, over just $56 bucks) but I really haven’t missed him at all. I still go the same places that he and I went just by myself now or with someone else or my son D…I wasn’t emotionally crushed by telling him to take a hike, and I only got “beat out” of $56, but I DID get a good lesson out of the relationship.
Before I would ever get involved romantically with someone, I would have to KNOW THEM WELL for quite some time FIRST. In the meantime, enjoy your friendship and companionship and get to know him.
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tobehappy says:
Oxy, it is so true. I will NEVER get intimate with another man again, until I know him very well.
My x lovebombed me into having sex with him quickly, and because my self esteem was so low, I gave in and then regretted it immediately. He was so manipulative to get what he wanted. And, anytime I tried to confront him with my feelings, he made me feel that I was crazy…since he ‘loved’ me so much. He only lusted me.
I am so glad that I made the decision to end the whole thing finally. I know I deserve a “normal” man, not a disordered one.
I was confused on whether he was really a sociopath, even though he displayed so many signs. When I went back with him in July, the true test was that I didn’t “give in” so easily when he tried to have sex with me. I watched him get frustrated and angry. He was too cheap and stupid to just take me out once in a while for a bite to eat, to get what he wanted. He became obvious…showed his true colors.
He just texted me and tried calling me today. I decided to answer his texts this time around and let him know how I feel before I go no contact. He didn’t take it well…came at me with what a great guy he is even though he isn’t perfect and tried to defend himself by minimizing that he was online on dating sites..”It doesn’t make me a bad man”. lol Here we go again!
Last time I didn’t tell him how I felt, and I decided that this time I would let him know that I was “on” to his lies and deceit and that I was right all along and that I want him to stay away from me. He called me a “bimbo” and laughed and said goodbye. They always run from the truth.
At least now I didn’t just leave without telling him that I know what he is all about and I closed the door for good. I plan to block his number from my phone this time around.
It was somewhat frustrating to read his defensive denial responses…but I needed to tell him how I felt and really close the door this time. The last few times I didn’t express my feelings and then allowed him to manipulate me back. I was still in love with him. Now, I’m done. I only feel disgust for him and I’m proud of myself for standing up for myself this time around.
I know it will take time to get over the anger I feel a little bit..but I will NOT allow myself to feel down and unable to function and hurt my children by being stressed out and sad again.
I am going to do whatever it takes to think positively about the future and know that God has some pretty great plans for me now…keeping the faith.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear 2Bhappy,
The thing we have to grasp, I think, is that they do not have to be a professionally diagnosed “level 10 serial killer psychopath” for us to KICK THEM TO THE CURB—any man who is only interested in a booty call and does not want to spend OTHER TIME with you is NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, he is using you like a FREE Ho. Why should he “pay” for taking you out to dinner or spending HIS VALUABLE TIME with you, you are just another piece of arse to him.
Sure it hurts us to realize that is all we are to them, but that is the EXTENT of their emotional bonding. It is all they are capable of.
Let this be the “closure” that you obviously seek with this moron, but remember that he CANNOT understand your feelings because he has NOTHING TO RELATE THEM TO. He is incapable of feeling like you do.
Making a life for ourselves that is satisfying and complete, with a wide variety of GOOD and honest friends, positive experiences in our lives, and interesting and satisfying activities….should be our goals. WE get to decide who those people are, and how they interact in our lives–we don’t have to accept CRUMBS from some psychopath…we deserve more than that!
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jazzy129 says:
Oxy..”auctions, flea markets, and junk stores”. GIRLFRIEND…we have to talk!
I sell on ebay (report to Social Security) and was an assistant to a Master antiques restorer. Also restore antique lighting. I also fix my own plumbing (copper pipes with acid spring water), fix drywall, and used to garden (before i was afraid to go outside). I am also a gilder and restorer of antique frames.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Jazzy, ARE WE THE SAME PERSON? LOL
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tobehappy says:
Thank you Oxy….
I am just so happy that I had the strength to go back and find the answers to my questions all along. He was good at faking his “love” for me. He texted me this morning that he knows I wont believe him, but “it wasn’t me on that site”! Funny, but he changed the wording pretty fast from “just on here to look at pretty woman” to “no disrespect to women we are not into porn, just a bunch of guys who enjoy looking at pretty women” AFTER I told him that I found him on a porn dating site…which he adamantly denies too!
He is a pathetic liar. He can’t even lie right! How obvious he is!
I am so glad that I didn’t give him what he wanted this time around…sex. And, I wouldn’t even get together with him to “hang out” at one of our homes…only if he took me out to a movie or dinner.
He proved what he was after. And, I stood up for myself and didn’t allow him to use me again!
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
LOLOL@ Oxy! found your bff? sounds like me too!! can i join?
jazzy, listen to me, one step outside at a time. first open the front door look out, no threats to you , open the storm door one step out, have a chair available to sit in if needed. enjoy your one step outside, breathe in the fresh air, look at the surroundings, take in the smell and sight of fall and relax! sit in the chair, take it all in! you know, you are only one step away from inside. Keep your hand on the door handle if need be. Take a deep breath and enjoy!!! It’s gonna be OK! Spend 5 minutes and go back inside, later repeat it. You will feel better!
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