Optical illusions: autostereograms and sociopaths
PDF Editor’s note: The following essay was contributed to Lovefraud by Kenneth Royce at www.javelinpress.com. Ken discovered that a “friend” was a pathological liar, serial thief and con artist. “Though he made off with over $10,000 of my property in a very complicated scam,” Ken says, “it’s had the ironic benefit of outing him for the sociopath he is, and thus warning many other unsuspecting people.”
Autostereograms produce an illusion of depth using only a single image. The image is usually generated by computer, by repeating a narrow pattern from left to right. By decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations, a viewer is able to trick the brain into seeing a 3D scene.
How to see a 3D autostereogram
With your face about six inches from the image, look through it as though it were a window (and your trying to see something beyond it) and then move slowly back (keep the same beyond focus). You will see a 3D image come into view.
This is called “parallel viewing” because your eyes are unfocusing slightly (i.e., diverging towards parallel) as if seeing something beyond the 2D image. The muscles inside your eye that control the focusing lens relax. Various autostereograms are at www.vision3d.com.
The sociopath’s autostereogram
Sociopaths train the unsuspecting to see differently. They train us to see the autostereogram image of their story.
Of their lie.
The mind muscle that controls mental focus is coaxed into relaxing. In the hands of an experienced sociopath, we do this unknowingly. Their goal is for us to transpose reality (the flat 2D nature of their shallow lives) for a mirage (their fictitious 3D image of accomplishment, success, bravery, generosity, integrity, etc.).
We are taught to not only see their mirage, but transpose it for reality—and keep transposing it until we forget what the reality ever was. The more relaxed your focus, the more intense and real the mirage will become.
Another helpful parallel is that once you’ve seen a particular autostereogram several times, it is much quicker to see that image than any new autostereogram. You’ve conditioned your mind to expect what it has already seen, and you will almost instantly bypass the 2D for the 3D.
You now seek the lie. Over time, and without conscious effort, you will
routinely forsake reality for a mirage.
You can blink, or even close your eyes for several seconds, and not lose the mirage because…you’ve…retained…it…in…your…mind. Your focus has become so casually relaxed that you’ve lost focus altogether.
To act within this mirage as if it were reality will confuse your friends and family, and they will question your judgment, loyalty, and even sanity.
At that point, you are fully operating within the sociopath’s construct, a dreamworld created solely for his enjoyment and benefit. He controls the rules and pace of the game, and thus the outcome.
He takes. You give. He wins. You lose. That is the probable outcome, and you won’t figure out that you’ve even lost until long afterwards. It may take months or even years to fully realize the hugeness of the lie you lived in. Once you do, you will be ashamed at what you retrospectively see as your own foolish trust.
How do I avoid the sociopath’s mirage?
By knowing how it feels when your mind’s focus is being relaxed. It’s a brief odd sensation, like putting on somebody else’s glasses. If you comport yourself past that sensation, you will lose your own focus. Remember, “decoupling eye convergence from focusing operations” is the 3D trick.
This odd sensation is your B.S. detector, especially when they are acting.
The “Hey, wait a minute!” reaction is your subconscious trying to get your active attention that something is wrong, untruthful, contradictory, dangerous, or even evil. Whenever “something doesn’t add up”…trust it!
Whenever you feel it, immediately stop listening to the speaker, mentally step back and regain perspective. Instantly challenge the prima facie untruthful and exaggerated. Don’t be shy—cry Bullsh*t! Seek independent corroboration. Consult with his/her former friends, lovers, business partners, etc. Sociopaths usually have extremely bad credit.
Keep your eyes open. It is possible to spot them before they strike. Selective distrust is the parent of security.
Once you’ve confidently identified a likely sociopath, coolly disengage ALL contact, and quietly warn others to beware.
What if I’m already in the mirage? How do I get out?
The sociopath’s 3D lie can only be seen from only one vantage point—the one you’ve been slyly placed at (through trust and gullibility) and subsequently anchored to (through familiarity and loyalty). If you shift (even slightly) your perspective…the image will vanish.
Usually, somebody will say that one thing that finally jolts the return of your mental focus—if only momentarily. The mirage will then vanish, if only momentarily, and that is your chance to maintain your focus by piecing together the lies told to you.
These mirages are fragile things. They require constant vigilance by the sociopath to maintain the viewer’s limited perspective and relaxed focus. (This is the purpose of frequent pity-ploys. It is emotionally impossible to simultaneously pity yet suspect deceit. Your mind can do only one or the other.)
Escaping from the sociopath’s mirage and returning to reality is an uncomfortable process. It will take much time for your mind to reorient itself. This often engenders considerable confusion.
Time away from the sociopath can allow your mind to regain its focus, but usually that isn’t enough. You will need the surrogate focus of your friends and family who haven’t been fooled by the mirage. Give what they say (no matter how painful or embarrassing) a chance, and hear them out.
Contact others who have been conned by the same sociopath; you will validate each other and this is incredibly relieving and comforting. Soon, the mirage will no longer have any influence over you, and you’ll wonder how you ever believed it at all.
My hunch is that one’s opportunity of seeing through a sociopath is most keen at the very beginning. Once you’ve let your mind go “cross-eyed” in order to “see”/believe the lie, it’s too late. You’ve already reprogrammed your vision by then to see differently, which makes seeing the truth very difficult. A good jolt is usually required to “snap out of it,” but by then the damage has already been done.
The eyes see only what the mind has prepared itself to observe. “Hear hoof beats. Expect horses, not zebras,” as sci-fi author Robert Heinlein once wrote.
In short, people see clearly only at the very beginning, or at the very end—and very rarely during the middle.
You’ll avoid incalculable grief if you learn how to consistently see clearly from the beginning.
Common Law Copyright 2007, Kenneth Royce. All Rights Reserved.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Stargazer says:
LL,
Just because you can’t go to the gym you want doesn’t mean you can’t exercise. You can check out free exercise DVD’s from the library and work out in your living room (I have done this for years!). The library also has free movies. You can request any movie you want and go pick it up from your nearest branch. You can go out and take a walk. You can do it every day. Walking is great exercise. Also there are local rec centers that are very inexpensive. You could probably go for the cost of selling blood once month! If you have neighbors or meet-up groups you find online, you can walk or exercise with other people, if you like. I work out with one of my neighbors twice a week. We started with Richard Simmons because it’s easy. The DVD cost me $8 through Amazon. I also bought pilates, hip hop dance, tae bo, and a few others. I also love to dance. I sometimes just dance in my living room with a CD. And I turned it into my new class “dance lessons for the rhythmically impaired.” (Imagine getting paid to exercise!)
I will be more than happy to kick your butt because I really feel that if I could do it, anyone can. For years I couldn’t work, so I sat in my room trying to get SSI. I was chronically depressed for years and years. It wasn’t until I was forced to do stuff that I realized I could actually do it. I remember when I was 27 I had a minimum wage job 40 hours a week. It was a fun job at a thrift store, but I had so many psychological problems that got triggered just being around my co-workers that it felt like a nightmare. But I went every day. So every day I went home and spent hours crying, raging, and processing after work. Every day!!!! But I earned a paycheck and took care of myself.
Taking action (even when you don’t feel like it) is the antidote to depression. It builds self-esteem (“See? I have the power to do it….”), and it makes you feel like a normal person. I PROMISE you that one day you will wake up and all of your daily activities will FEEL authentic. You will not just be going through the motions. And you will look back and feel proud of what you accomplished even though you didn’t “feel” like it. But please go easy on yourself! You don’t need to do it all at once.
(((hugs))))
Star
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, loved your post! I bought my condo as my retirement investment. Now I am 50k upside down on it and don’t expect it to ever break even. If I get out, I will wreck my credit. I let these facts eat at me for YEARS and have even felt suicidal over it. My trip to CR made me rethink what is important in life. What good is good credit if you can’t afford to use it to buy anything anyway? I have no qualms about leaving as soon as I find something better that will better my situation. I am even considering going on the road with my massage table, after my cat dies. To me, that would be living a dream. And what security is there in that?
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skylar says:
Oxy,
thanks for your response. Yes, I’ve known that I had the signs of clinical depression for many many years. at least 15 years. I think though that it is a mask for a deeper problem. The problem of not knowing enough about living correctly, thinking correctly.
I’ve been thinking and thinking. Reading the posts here, someone said something and the word “authentic” popped up in my head a few hours ago. I’ve heard the phrase “living an authentic life” before, and it sounded so esoteric and new age. I never knew what it meant until now. It is the opposite of the shallow lives that sociopaths lead and which they want us to lead with them.
I guess the reason it popped up is because I’m trying to prepare to attend a trade show and I know nothing about it. I’ve been to them, but not as an exhibitor. The point is, that is not how I do things. When I do something, I will investigate and learn all about it in depth. I don’t just show up and expect to benefit magically. But BF has committed us to this event and now I have to figure it out. That is not living authentically, that is flying by the seat of your pants like my sociopathic ExP did. Living on the edge is not living authentically. It isn’t owning your life. I’m getting it. My brain is opening up to this understanding of the difference.
I’m fully capable of living on the edge, and succeeding, my spath taught me how. But that isn’t how you get fulfillment, it’s the depth of living that creates fulfillment.
So the trade show is just an analogy. I’m figuring out that mindset of living on the edge or living authentically is where our choices come from. Living authentically requires a different mindset, it’s less instant gratification and more about feeling connected to each moment.
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Stargazer says:
For me, being authentic means being present and engaged in whatever I’m doing – no matter what that is. When I first joined this site. I felt like I was always on the outside, even though I’m part of the “club”. I felt like I was going through the motions but not really engaged except for a rare few moments when someone helped me or I was able to help someone. I wanted it to feel like a family for me like it did for others. But I just didn’t get that feeling. I told myself it was because I didn’t have as much in common with people. I only stayed with my spath for less than 3 months and then I got out. But I kept coming back and worked hard to make it like a family. Then one day….
I noticed on this last return here, I feel much more connected to others and don’t feel that sense of separation any more. I’m also feeling more that way at my various jobs. So I’m seeing how the healing process works.
My depression has been lifelong. I cannot remember a time when I was not depressed. I am now 50 and feel the happiest and most authentic I’ve ever been in my life. I look back and I’m very proud of all I was able to accomplish even with chronic depression. I’m not out of the woods yet. I can only hope it keeps getting better from here. I used to think that there was no hope for lifelong depression.
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Stargazer says:
Sky, no matter now you may have to “fly by the seat of your pants” you can NEVER be a sociopath. Sometimes normal people fly by the seat of their pants, and it turns out okay. I hope you have a great time and the trade show!
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candy says:
Star – You ARE family. Get yourself in that condo – whatever one of those is! Is it a kind of caravan? Get a litter tray for the cat and take it along. Live the dream …..don’t wait for it cos it may never come. Don’t put your life on ‘hold’. My thoughts for what they are worth!
Thought for the day……… Time—Use it or lose it. Time, like a snowflake, disappears while we’re trying to decide what to do with it.
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lesson learned says:
Star, Sky,
I’m learning from both of you, what to do and NOT to do! lol!
This is a very individual process. We are all very different in our approaches to life and experiences. What works for both of you may not work for me and vice versa. I think being “authentic” means finding what WORKS FOR YOU and sticking to THAT program, whatever that is. That’s what I’m doing now. trying to figure out what works FOR ME, asking advice and venting, then taking what works and leaving the rest.
I take walks already. With my wiener. But the gym has friends that I know that work out there. I will make that my goal. Part of the reason I want to go is because I GET OUT OF MY PLACE…and being here constantly is driving me crazy. To get out in a social realm as well as exercise WOULD WORK FOR ME…and that’s what my goal will be now.
Insofar as school, currently, I’m checking into other programs as I don’t FEEL interested in the one I’m pursuing. whether that can happen or not remains to be seen, but I need to TRY. I won’t get direction if I don’t TRY to make it happen. If it leads elsewhere, so be it.
All of this has certainly thrown me for a huge loop for sure.
Star, my “work” has been raising six children by myself as a single mother. it’s the hardest job anyone will ever have. I’m very proud of the fact that I’ve made this happen on my own and i’ve had to do it DESPITE depression, spath and his shit and exP and his. I thank GOD everyday that I did not live with the last one. He did not have much involvement with my children, however, there is a lot of emotional NEGLECT on my part as a result of it. That is also WORK to be done here right now. I guess it kind of depends on what you’re definition of work is
While I still have two sons that remain at home, the next two years they will be out on their own in college or working (college preferrably!), and this means I have MORE opportunity to “Find” myself. I’ve been working hard at school and am close to the degree that I had been working FOR, however, if I continue it will be a few more years before I get a degree in another field that I’m now researching going into.
So you see……I’ve not been COMPLETELY stagnate. I don’t sit on my ass all day everyday crying my eyes out, normally. this has been a HUGE stumbling block for sure (situational depression) and I’ve really struggled early on to put myself together, but I get up, take a shower everyday put on my make up do my hair, now keeping the house clean (the kids help), and starting to come out of it. I DO have the most HORRENDOUS days still, but today is a lot better.
Sometimes all that IS required is a little kick in the butt. But where it leads is MY Process! And I shall do my process as it works FOR ME. ALL of my spaths have told me how I should or shouldn’t do my process (not saying that’s what’s happening here) and it always became THEIR should rather than MY DOING.
We all have our paths. I’m just now carving out mine
Thanks for helping me along so I figure out WHERE to start
LL
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Skylar,’
I admit I have a great deal of confusion about your situation with your BF and how he and you support yourself–you say you work for him and he pays you, but that he says he doesn’t love you, isn’t able to love. ??? Very confusing to me. I guess somehow it works for you, but I would find it very problematic. What if he dies? Or gets tired of you and says “go away”? Where are you then? To me that would put me totally dependent on someone else for my livelyhood and the roof over my head. Not sure I could cope with that. What if you get tired of him and want to leave? Does that mean you have to get the taxi driver to carry your bag to the taxi as you leave with nothing?
Maybe that is my own “issues” talking there too. I was pretty much a stay at home mom until my divorce and then BINGO, I’m on my own with two kids and no really stable job skills and a wake up call that my husband and his father got everything we owned and I was left with the kids, the cat and the dog and a ratty barely ran vehicle. I managed to get a tiny bit of child support but not much of that…so had to put myself through school, finish college with a kid on each hip and then set about to make a living for them and myself. I did it. I didn’t take a dime from my egg donor, I worked full time, raised a garden, went to school full time, bartered for things and finished school at the top of my class with my advanced practice nursing degree.
(BTW the egg donor didn’t OFFER me any money either. I DID borrow some for her for the private school tuition for P son and son C, but paid her back every cent with the MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF INTEREST ALLOWED BY LAW IN MY STATE AT THE TIME, 10%.)
When I remarried, though I trusted and loved my husband, we had a prenup agreement and though during the 20 years we were together we did mix our funds to some extent, there was no time that I was totally financially dependent on him or vice versa. I wasn’t going to find myself DEpendent on anyone’s whims. It was bad enough I trusted my own egg donor and ended up with my home tied up in the family trust and can’t sell it until after she is gone. I just thank God that I do have enough of a rainy day fund to RUN if I need to again without having to live in a cardboard box. There comes the time when you may have to run and don’t have a choice about it, and without something stuck back, the only option may BE the card board box. I’d like to avoid that if I can do so, but I do realize that if I have to run, I run, cardboard box or not.
I hear you Star about the credit problems and being upside down in a property. You aren’t alone in that problem if that is any comfort. My house is worth about half of what it was before the RE “crash” so if I had bought at the high end, I would be BAD upside down now. I figured up the other day I’ve lost $22K a year in paper-net-worth in the decreases in value of RE and other property since my husband died. A lot of it could have been avoided if I hadn’t had to contend with taking care of my egg donor’s problems and had spent that time taking care of my own. My husband had just finished restoring a small airplane right before he died and it was worth X$ at the time of his death. But, because I was too busy taking care of the egg donor and so on, it ended up being worth 1/3 of X$ when I sold it a few months ago, with hail damage and so on that it got because I didn’t pay attention to MY business and sell it back when it was worth X$. Plus, other things have decreased in value, like the house, and other items that I have to sell simply because there isn’t as much money chasing those things now as there was prior to the big recession. Factor in the extra money I’ve had to spend to hire attorneys and so on, and yep, I’ve BLED financial arterial blood because of the psychopaths, but I CAN SAY THIS, I AM ALIVE, AND HE IS STILL IN PRISON FOR ANOTHER 3 YEARS at least!!! So it hasn’t been a total waste! LOL
When I was in Texas my (now I guess X)Best friend’s sister who is 65 and has about $800 a month in social security and a tiny pension and NOTHING IN THE BANK because she made some poor financial decisions and became dependent on someone else financially, got tossed out of her daughter’s house by the psychopathic SIL (and the daughter too) showed up at her sister’s house without enough money to buy a popcicle until the first of the month when he check comes, and not even enough money to rent a parking space for the little RV that she bought to live in, much less the utilities) and she is dependent on someone else to feed and house her and has NO options.
I could at least get on the train and come home from Texas when my “friends’” husband was snarky and hateful, the sister didn’t even have that option— She was TRAPPED by her own poor choices about finances. Not that I don’t have empathy and sympathy for her, I DO, but the being TRAPPED with Her Bro-in-law is a result/consequence of HER poor financial decisions over multiple years. Part of her poor choices and decisions also were because she trusted people who were high in psychopathic traits OVER AND OVER AND OVER..JUST LIKE I DID.
My 82 yr old neighbor came by today—”grandpa” is the one who had the crack ho sponging off him for a while, well the crack ho is apparently gone now, but grandpa wanted to “borrow” some money again, and I gave him $14 bucks (which is about half of what he asked for) but I knew when I gave it to him I’d never get it back and that’s okay with me. He has been a good friend to my husband and me in the past and I still have a great deal of affection for him, but I’m not going to support the crack ho or give him enough to send money the scam artist in Haiti either..but a little gas money once in a while ain’t gonna kill me or leave me hungry. Okay, so I’m a pushover, but not enough to hurt myself….and I will never again take bread out of my own mouth to provide cake for someone else.
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YesIt'sMe says:
LL,
9 months later, & all my therapy & all my research & support from friends & my son, & I still find myself in degrees of “stuckness”. Which is what I think you’re describing.
I make these efforts: I do go to the gym 3x a wk, even if only for half an hour. I apply for jobs online. I’ve applied for a few in person. I talk to friends on the phone every day & get out to visit with people at least once a week. I spend a lot of time emailing. And trying to get this attorney to take some action to get our inheritance which my brother has tied up & won’t let go til it falls out of his cold dead hands, unless we act against him—which is going to create a hell-to-pay situation in which he’ll cut off my $250mo stipend, stop paying my utilities & likely try to evict me from my house (which he can’t do.)
But with all that I try to do, it doesn’t seem to get me any further along in my life. It’s all like trying to get thru a maze & only being able to find paths that don’t continue.
Like you, I know I need to get Out of This Place & to get engaged in life again, but I haven’t yet found a way to do that.
I would’ve never been in this place when I was younger. Being slammed this way at 65 (now 66) makes it just very difficult. Last year, before he ripped my life out from under me, I thot I’d Never stop enjoying & anticipating life. Even when I was 60, I had a lot of fight in me. I remember saying when I was 50, “what midlife crisis? I decided to buy a Harley & start making cross-countries alone.” And nothing could’ve slowed me down in my 40s. But now….it’s something physiological that I can’t seem to get under control….
I know all the answers. I have to find new meaning for my life. I have to force myself to do things I no longer have the confidence to do. I HAVE to be engaged in life, interested in life, enthusiastic about life, & to believe in my life & my future, no matter how damn old I think I am, & no matter how bleak it looks!!
But getting past my depression enough to do those things, to overcome my immobilization, & to think creatively & actively…..that’s my dilemma. For me it’s a trap of circular thinking: I’m depressed so I can’t get out of the place I’m in, & the longer I stay in the place I’m in, the more depressed I get!
Fortunately I can (just barely) afford the gym….I can (just barely) afford my cable internet/tv/phone…..I do have a good car & a home (that I can’t lose unless my hideous brother rears up against me)…..& I do have Medicare & Medicaid so that I can see my therapist & I can get antidepressants…..& my FNP is working to get me in with a good endocrinologist so I can find out if there’s actually something in my hormonal/chemical balance that’s been badly knocked awry by the serious nervous breakdown when he left in May. I’ve never been a depressed person, never had a hard time finding my way past obstacles…..& I’ve never had my hair fall out before! If I’m this badly stressed that I’m losing my hair & that I can’t get un-depressed with all that I’m doing (tons of vitamins, B12 shots, good sleep, therapy, etc), I can’t help but think that there has to be some imbalance somewhere in my body.
So if I get checked out by the endocrinologist & find out that there’s nothing badly out-of-whack physically, I’m just going to have to realize that I’m being a wimp! And then I’ll HAVE to get off my ass & DEAL with it, or just sit here & slowly get older & wither up & die. Slowly. And that’s just unacceptable.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Yes! Welcome to the “old crones club!” Put on a RED HAT and CELEBRATE our cronehood! Jean Shoboda’s book about “Crones don’t whine” is a great one. We need to celebrate our maturation!
Really, I’m not far behind you, I’ll be 65 this december and look back and marvel at all the things I’ve done in my life, lots of ADVENTURES and fun things in spite of all the carp too! And more adventures to come! Going to a blue-grass concert tonight (a free one no less!) and you know! Went to a awards ceremony last night for the Arkansas awards for various Boy Scout folks to see a friend get a very impressive award and had a great time!~ Gonna enjoy the rest of my life, however long it is and do the things that are fun as well as the things I have to do (housework and low salt diet!) but you know, I am baking bread today I smell it cooking now, and piddling around with minor repairs and cleaning and just enjoying the day!
So, yea, I’m being June Cleaver today and Mary Sunshine too! And heck, where is ERINBROCK?! I miss her chirpy little self! Henrrrrrreyyyyy! Where are you guys? Well, off to get ready for the concert! Catch you guys of the flip side!
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lesson learned says:
Yes!!
WOW and I”M BITCHING? I’m a spritely 47 lol! So maybe we can work on this together
I don’t know if you’ve had your thyroid checked, but mine is BAAAAD and i’m checked often now because of how BAAAAD it is and I know A LOT of that is stressed. Hair fallin out? Oh yea! horrible dry skin, depression, exhaustion the WORKS. My thyroid is being checked again this week just to make sure I’m in balance because I went quite awhile for a time while with spathy NOT being checked and boy when it was I was SO SICK!! No matter what I tried to do, I could NOT do it. So maybe there will be some good news for you there in that if something is wacked out within the bod, it will be taken care of with medications or something to stabilize you. I’m also going through menopause right now. NO BUENO! On top of going through this, I’m the biggest BITCH on the planet. I know a lot of this is HORMONAL too, so I’m being checked for that as well.
UGH!!!
I’m glad you’re not giving up. I think we BOTH can get off our asses and do something about it!!!
Oh Ox? Have a BLAST!!
LL
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YesIt'sMe says:
I was hell on wheels at 47, LL! (Literally, after I got my Harley at 49.) And that was after my 6 yr marriage to the psychotic had ended when I escaped at 40, then my next very brief marriage to a good friend (who’s still a good friend) ended, & was spending my 14 yrs living blissfully single & alone. Totally independent. Totally engaged in life in every way. Probly the best 14 yrs of my life.
Then I was presented with an Optical Illusion when I was 57. It was a remarkable illusion, because none of it was real or (as I look back) was created by a real person, but I believed it & swore by its beauty & wonderfulness for 8 yrs!
This analogy of optical illusions & sociopaths is (literally) eye-opening! As are so many of the articles & posts here at LF. Yes, it was a dream-state I was in….like being slightly stoned for 8 yrs….seeing life thru a fog.
Even when presented with what a “sober” person would’ve seen were facts, I just dreamed along. He was perfect even with all his flaws. He adored me & I was perfect for him & he accepted me with my flaws. We were so good together in spite of the obstacles in reaching our dreams, but we were happy with each other & were going to be even happier & live in joyous adventure for the rest of our lives.
Oh Yeah. THAT WAS THE ILLUSION!
What a slight-of-hand. I’m STILL running across artiFacts that tell about his double-life! I found receipts this week for one of her laptops she’d bought in 2007….that was one of the TWO laptops he gave ME in 08 & said that his biz partner had given him!
I talked to an old friend this week…hadn’t talked to him in awhile….I told him the story about J. He said, “I TOLD you about him all the time. He was a conman. You wouldn’t believe me.”
No, I wouldn’t believe anything negative anyone said about him. I just said, “You don’t know him like I do.” And I believed I was right & they Just Didn’t Understand.
So it all came crashing down & my sense of confidence/self-esteem/self-worth got crushed underneath it. Who I Am is just a pile of rubble now, & all I can do is keep digging thru it, trying to claw my way down & rescue ME.
And THAT’S why I can’t celebrate my maturation, Oxy. I saw life & myself just like you do now—I had total belief in life & the future & that I’d never ever become a caricature of an old woman. I was gonna be YOUNG all of my life, & that’s the way I approached it. Living with J, sitting & waiting with him while he worked toward our dreams, instead of living my life & enjoying all the things I’d done before him because he was only focused on his work & his travels……I let my life slip away from me. Now it’s beastly hard to get back out there & jump back into the local scene (it’s especially hard now with my bald patches!). I go to listen to music & have dinner with friends—-but I can only do that because they’ll always pick up my tab. And that makes me so uncomfortable. I hate hearing myself say, “I’d go, but I can’t afford it.”
But I hear what you’re saying, Oxy. And I’m trying to get out of this maze & get back to who I am & forward to where you are. Thanks for the encouragement. And I hope you’re having a great time tonite! I am going out with friends to hear music tomorrow nite…..since it’s dark at the club & no one can see the bald patches in my hair!
No, LL, I’m not giving up, & I know you’re not either. We both CAN get off our asses & do something about where we are! It’s not easy to get there from here….it takes a lot longer & a lot more sustained effort than it takes a “normal person” (one who hasn’t been flattened by a SP enounter!) But yep, chins up, face forward, step by step. Right?
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Stargazer says:
Candy, thanks! It’s so kind of you to reach out after my last post. I have not followed your story much because I generally only have the energy to keep up with a few people at a time and make a few friends slowly over time. But I will make the effort to follow your story a little more closely, too. The “condo” I spoke of is the one I live in that I bought at the peak of the market, right before it lost most of its value. It’s a cute one-bedroom condominimum that has a nice greenbelt, pond with fountain, and pool outside my patio. It’s a little overpriced. However, it serves me to stay here for now and have my three jobs so I can travel overseas and take care of some minor health issues. At some point I may be able to save a little more money and just get in my car and go. Or maybe even move overseas. All my stuff – furniture, etc. – doesn’t mean much to me any more. I remember when it was my life dream to own my own home and furnish it with nice stuff. Funny how your priorities can change on a dime.
LL,
You are so articulate and wise! Amen to everything you said. And if I ever come off as preachy or patronizing, like you should do it my way, just let me know. I welcome the feedback.
And speaking of health issues, I have a nasty case of winter eczema. There are itchy bumps on my feet and ankles, knees and neck. If anyone knows how to fix this, I’m all ears. I have a humidifier and use good non-scented lotion. But I do take long hot baths every day, which I probably shouldn’t. I would like to get this cleared up before my trip. I’m embarrassed right now to put on a swimsuit at the gym because of it.
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Stargazer says:
Oops. I spelled condominium wrong, and I’m too lazy to go back and change it.
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lesson learned says:
Yes,
Welp, I’ve been spathed twice now in the last twenty seven years in relationshits. I think my hell on wheels, got up and went without me
Yep, we WILL get through it!!! Hair fallin out and all, right?
You had a HARLEY? I love riding, Yes. ExPOS had two bikes. Not Harley’s though. ONe that hauled major ass (couldn’t tell ya what it was now, other than a yamaha, that lasted a year with regards to his “enthusiam” about it), and a V-Star (That he dropped a stop sign leaving my house one day I just about died in laughter lol), stupid bike was BIGGER than he was lol! ExPOS was only five one or two. I refused to get on a bike with him. He was not experienced enough to ride safely with someone on the back.
BUT my first bf….OMG……….he was an EXCELLENT and avid rider. The best motorcycle ride I have ever had was with him. He took corners with both of us on the bike gracefully, but looking at the pavement. It was AMAZING! Haven’t had a ride like that since!!!
Aren’t bikes fun? Do you still have yours? Maybe you could pick up riding again?
Anyway……you have a good spirit, Yes, I see it in your posts! You’re going to be OTAY!!! I just know!
Even if you feel like you’re not, whatever was there when you were 47 in spirit, is sure what I wish I was now.
We’ll get there! Please keep posting! You lift my spirits!
LL
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YesIt'sMe says:
Thank you, LL!
You just lifted my spirits, too!
Yep, I still have my Sportster. She needs work…..a new carb, & now, after being in storage for 9 yrs, needs a total refurbishing. When I had the $, when J was here, I didn’t have a need to get her going…..a Sporty is just too small for a man to ride with a chick behind. And I wasn’t gonna ride without him. So there she sat, & there she sits….& now I don’t have the $$ to get her going. One of these days…..when my ship comes in & my hair grows back!
Thanks for the boost, LL!!!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i read the other blog that donna mentioned this am – i don’t remember what it was called – but the woman wrote about how much fun conning people is for the spaths, and that n’s do it for the attention. and somehow, just the way the writer phrased it, i really got (yet again!) what an evil person the spath is.
all that trauma, ’cause it’s fun. i am going to work myself back up to wanting to whack her, if i am not careful.
i have been wanting to cry. i feel lousy so i am weepy, but you know i have not cried enough over this…i am all bottled up still. i endured such horrible cruelty, and not one of my friends held me or cared for me through it. can’t cry tonight – makes me cough..rats.
you folks – you folks cared for me. i wonder how Witty is. I miss her gentle voice here. Polly, Witty, silver and CAmom- you held me up. EB and kim – the women who can stand in the face of anger and not flinch. the late night partiers, eb, hens, kim, and a host or revolving characters who get spathed humour, tequilla and truffles – and Gem, who was so upset with my cussing that she told me i was acting like a spath and reported me to Donna…and then she found her anger, and we are oh so good. and she is oh so healing (and has a wicked humour). Sky an dStar – somehow you two are like twinned/ mirrored stars to me – sparkling lights in the constellation. And gentle shabby, who will form now on, be only ‘Chic’. and those of you who have ticked me off, and who i have pushed back against or stood my ground with – you have a special place in my healing. Hopeforjoy and Warm summer flower – i am so proud of you both, i know we are close in age LL – but somehow both you and Hopeforjoy feel like younger sisters to me (and i might add y’all WAAAAY better than the sib i got!), and i have great confidence that you will be just fine! oxy – who i can always count on for some outrageous story of her killing something, and saving her own life.
and to the stupid spath who called me a *c* one night while i was busy rotating tires and matching socks…thanks for the laugh.
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Ox Drover says:
Yes, It’s me!
Ended up not going—it is tomorrow night too—had people drop in so visited here at home. Still got some laughs. My bread turned out okay, (machine bread) and I put a stew in the crock pot and watched Dateline….
Oh, I want to tell you about last night! I have this really cool plaid jacket/pants set that is deep red, and I had gotten way too thick through the middle (read: fat) to zip it up, and last night when we went to the scout banquet I wore it and it was actually a bit loose! I’m down 30 pounds now and looked really cool, and even got compliments on how well I was looking! (with my bouncy new hair cut!) I did lose one of my two turquoise rings last night that my husband bought me in 1981 in Phoenix—I think it slipped off when I washed and dried my hands after dinner. Oh, well…and you know, while it was one of my favorite rings and I’ve had it for 30 years and it was special because he got it for me—I realized it was gone, but I didn’t melt down over it. I mean I’m sorry I lost it, but nothing I can do and no reason to melt down about it….I actually would have expected myself to have melted down about it.l
I lost a gold filigree ring about 5 years ago that I treasured and I melted down over it, and really that ring wasn’t as prescious to me as the one I lost last night was. So don’t know if I’m handling things better or what.
It’s interesting to me about how we react differently to two events that are pretty much the same depending on the level of strength that we have to work with at the time it happens.
Well, children, I’m off to bed, got a really good book I’m reading!
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Stargazer says:
Hey, One, I’m so glad I can be counted as a member of your healing family because you certainly have touched my heart too, even though I have never met you and never heard your voice. Sometimes we need others to hold us up when we just cannot do it for ourselves. When I am in my deepest well of pain, I know my real life friends don’t have any clue what I have been through and what I go through.
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Stargazer says:
Oh, Oxy, I’d kill to see what you look like! I have a picture of you in my mind, but your hair is long. Okay, I wouldn’t actually kill anything, but I’d still like to see a pic.
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lesson learned says:
Star.
Yea Ox, ME TOO!!! I would love to see all your faces to go with your beautiful names!
BLESSINGS!!!
LL
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Stargazer says:
I picture Oxy like a younger version of the granny in Beverly Hillbillies, with the same kind of spunk. ha ha I’m probably waaay off base.
BTW, if anyone wants to email with me (LL, Sky, One, Oxy, etc.), it would be fun to exchange pics. I know I can remember people’s lives and stories when I can put a face to the name.
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DancingWarrior says:
Ox are you around?
Gosh I’m feeling so down from my dating flop.
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skylar says:
I actually had a dream that I met Oxy. She was very young in my dream, around 30 or 35.
It was several weeks ago. funny how the brain works.
In the dream we were working in the same office building and when I went into her office, there she was and I was so happy to meet her. LOL.
Isn’t that funny, Oxy? I don’t know why I would dream of you, I think at that time, when I was having a melt down over my parents, I just kept thinking of you, and wishing you would save me. Like, you would have all the answers. That’s how it felt in the dream, I felt like once I got to meet you, when you opened the door to your office, everything would be OK. but we know that isn’t reality. I have to deal with my parental issues just like you did with yours. it sucks so bad that I can’t just get it over with.
Oh well, we can dream… right?
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geminigirl says:
One-Joy, darling you are absolutely right, I was a prig, and I couldnt find my anger, and then WOOOSH!! Out it all came!! SPLATTT!!
And you were so forgiving of me being so holier than thou, and you GOT it that at the time it reminded me of spath daughter cussing at me as a teenager.
And now I say the F word more than most, and no-one ticks me off or calls me a Hypocrite!Least of all you my sweet sister! I love you.
You So get where I am now, and you are so understanding.Yea my wicked humour is coming out now as Im healing!
Witty so GREAT to hear you back again with us! Must crash now, just wanted to say I love all you guys.
Love,
Mama gemXX
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neveragain says:
I just want to comment on the original post. If you have a betrayal bond that develops in the mirage, it is very difficult to get out of the mirage. You may understand it all intellectually, but then all of sudden you are overwhelmed with a great longing to see the creep again. In the book BETRAYAL BOND, the author says that is a normal stage to go through and refers to those feelings as cravings. He goes on to discuss the things that support those cravings, the emotional reactivity, such as high arousal. I wish he had spent more time on how to combat all that, he provides some exercises, but not much on a few of the things.
As far as the shame, my therapist stressed, put the shame where it belongs….on him. Give him all the shame she told me.
Do we have responsibility? Yes, we have the ability to respond. That is responsibility. And next time, we’ll know better how to respond.
I see the same dynamic in animal rescue work, responding to a cruelty case. The rescuers will inevitably turn on each other….you didn’t give the right antibiotic, so that animal died. You didn’t get the animals out of there soon enough…etc. Meanwhile the abuser sits in the background, gathering sympathy for how overwhelmed he was, he tried his best etc. BS!!! He caused the whole horrific situation!!!!!!!!! But it is amazing how little anger gets directed to him….even if cruelty charges are filed. Sometimes yes, the rescuers do get angry at the abuser, but since they can’t reach the real target, they turn on each other, like family dogs barking at a strange dog outside the fence, who suddenly stop barking at the strange dog, and turn on each other. Transfered aggression, because they can’t get to the real target.
And we transfer our aggression from the real target (who we can’t get to no matter what we do, except through NC and let’s face it, that never feels that satisfying), inward towards ourselves.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Neveragain,
You bring up some very VALID POINTS! Thank you for discussing this, and I think many times you are right. I had a therapist tell me once that “the only valid (adult human) rescue is to drag an unconscious person out of a burning house.” That’s a pretty harsh, but you know, the more I live and learn, the more I think she is right.
Your analogy of the family dogs is a good one. Thanks. Lots of food for thought here.
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skylar says:
Neveragain,
I loved those points too. It’s very interesting that you have observed this happening in animal abuse rescuers.
Rene Girard describes something like this in the scapegoat mechanism. He describes 2 kids fighting over a toy and the violence escalates, then a 3rd kid who happens to be a small weakling walks by and wants to play. The first 2 kids will stop fighting and both start calling the 3rd kid names and run him off. Suddenly there is peace.
He describes this transfer as being the origin of language because humans are able to substitute one victim for another. We can use one thing to symbolize another and that is basically what language is. Language is a complex system of sounds or signals that symbolize other things, people or ideas.
so interesting…
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