ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”
PDF The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
Matt says:
akitameg:
Don’t mean to come down hard on you — I’m guilty of trying to romanticize and explain away all my S’s bad behavior. But, sometimes we really need to see to what extremes these — people — will go to just to meet their own needs. None of us like to believe that the person we so freely loved could possibly go to the extreme of murder. Fact of the matter is they will — if we happen to get in the way of what they want.
This isn’t a momentary bad mood they are going through. They are seriously disordered and capable of anything.
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learnthelesson says:
Meg.. Ok. Well Im glad you brought everything up to date. I was actually thinking your story might be more like mine prior to meeting them. But you had way more, in fact LOTS MORE on your plate than I did going into it with mine. Mine was alot more about past trauma.. sounds like you were involved in alot of trauma leading up to and before meeting him. And probably even more vulnerable than most.
Yes, you write to us now, thats a big PLUS, BONUS and CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN YOUR LIFE … your posts are honest and real and raw … and even some quick witted funny ones at times…
As far as being/getting physically healthier – thats something you have the power to do WITHIN you. Its a choice, you know that!
The medical bills can wait… you Meg, cannot. What you have shared and gone through before during and after the S is surely enough to knock any one of us off our feet.. for a loop..and leave us feeling sad and depressed. You need to pick yourself up by your bootstraps, socks, slippers, flipflops WHATEVER… and get through this like you have every other major setback/obstacle/depression in your life…
And speaking of, what are you doing to manage depression? Because dealing with that and getting that under control. Someone asked me how did you get through.. and my first response was we all have to check our level of depression and decide where we are with that. I exercised. Dragged myself to the gym, ran the track, walked the park. Sometimes through tears, but I knew it was either get out of it or I was going to end up in a really bad place. Its a choice Meg. At some point its no longer about him, its about what you want for you. Because sometimes we cant get through this with just ourselves and our support system, our bodies and minds need more support during the most difficult times.
I want you to start thinking about Meg…
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kindheart48 says:
akitameg, you just brought back a memory. Even though my s is a coward and is probably more afraid of me than i of him as he’s too clever like yours to ever physically hit someone. he is also a weakling to boot. But i remember him telling me that when he and his last ex a 20 year younger woman who finally stopped letting him kick her out with her little girl, prob on advice from a lawyer decided to stay until she got a settlement. By this time i beleive she didnt’ care any longer and did whatever she pleased in the house of horror as she called it as he is over the top OCD. I recall him telling me that if he ever had hit her he would have killed her. This of course went right over my head as i was in shock over my marriage ending but i beleive the only thing that kept him from hitting her was he’s a coward and woulnd’t last a minute in jail. Your guy is dangerous and i wish my s asshole as my gf said would have hit me just once and i would have been gone or he would have been gone but they are too smart. Not worth taking a risk and now you have to pay for what he did . I hope karma give him something nice in return. Sorry to sound so vengeful but sometimes life is not fair and im sorry you are getting the short end of it,
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OxDrover says:
Yep, we must accept that some of them (many?) ARE CAPABLE OF MURDER and they are so arrogant they think they will get away with it.
Even my X-DIL thought she could murder my son C and almost did it, but fortunately he survived and got through to 911.
Go down to one of your local book stores and read through the “true crime” sections, go to your local police station and read through some of the logs—you will see that this is not a “nice” world we live in. People do some horrible things to each other. Hitler killed 6 million people—Chairman Mao killed 60 million (that is six-0 million) etc etc. People ARE capable of more evil than we can even imagine, and we need to accept that our Ps are capable of a lot of things.
Look at that Clarkk Rockefeller creep—they haven’t as far as I know proven he killed that couple, but…OJ Simpson, Scot Peterson, Ted Bundy, Charlie Manson….I could go on but you get the idea. These people ARE capable of killing others, and how many women die at the hands of their “lovers” and “husbands” each year, how many children die at the hands of their parents? Even in my little state which has only 1/3 the number of people that LA or NY have, every night there is 1 or more killings on the news, babies killed by parents, wives by husbands, parents by kids—-IT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE JUST LIKE US, by people just like our Ps.
I’m with Matt—-
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Matt says:
penelope:
I don’t think you can categorize it down to sex. I think most people on this site rage about the sexual betrayal committed by their exes because it was the worst betrayal imaginable. We love sociopaths, we forgive them everything under the sun. The thing that pushes most of us over the edge — after everything else — is discovering they have been lying to us and betraying us sexually.
This gay man made it very clear to the S I was involved with that I expected fidelity. I always have and always will believe that the minute you “open” up a relationship to a third party the realtionship is doomed because you have just destroyed the intimacy that is required in order for a relationship to work.
I don’t agree with Martha Stout on how she categorizes them. Based on what I saw with my S, I think they are creatures of the moment. It wasn’t until my S was desperately hooked on drugs that he decided to steal paychecks from his employer and try to cash them. I have no doubt that is his employer was walking around with 20 grand in his pocket, he would have killed his employer to get the cash.
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Rune says:
Matt: Thank you for the major heads-up. What we keep forgetting is that these people are CRAZY!!! Not just strange . . .
If any are retrievable, it won’t be by us. And, by the way, Ann Rule is the same woman who worked a crisis hot line in a locked room with “that nice young man, Ted Bundy.”
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akitameg says:
Matt–
I do not think you can imagine how much I know of what you are speaking. That is why I had to leave the state! His family are known for their vindictive nature (Which I found out fro a cop after the assault) and now that he was up for a huge inheritance and I knew the truth about him?
People- even two lawyers who knew what he was about and were at my deposition were worried.
I saw in his eyes that nite– that if he could have killed me– he would have– if he could n=have NOT GOTTEN CAUGHT.
I keep thinking Matt– that, well, maybe with another woman– he will be the wonderful prince again that he was for me for two years– but with her– he will stay that way and this sick shite won’t come out.
He did sexually assault his beautiful, educated, hard working and gorgeous wife from Japan before me however. He had just cried and cried about how she was lying. After he did what he did to me– I knew– she was not lying.
I need this blog. You guys get me back into reality. MOnsters. Please keep reminding me.
What do you all thinking about what I wrote about maybe with heir next “victim”– they really will love them and never turn bad? Is that just stinkin’ thinkin’–from the trauma of all of this.?
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akitameg says:
Learn the Lesson–thank you sooo much for that last post!
from now on guys– can I not thank everyone when they leave me a message? I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and your advice–
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kindheart48 says:
Matt thanks i am writing the name of the book down as well as i need to look at reality as Ox earlier posted and sounds like the book is a good dose of it.
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akitameg says:
I am soo frickin’ angry at myself for not seeeing that he was mostly after sex!!! I am an idiot!
How do I get over that? I was a whore– this is the worst.
Mine never cheated with a real person. Porn online when I was not around. Does that mean he is not an S? I think it means that he enjoys the easiness of just having one chic to deal with– the safety- and the security that she will keep coming back. He never cheated on his wife, but he discarded her when she told his parents he tried to have sex with her when she did not want to.
Also– I was a sex goddess dang it. Even my exhusband has talked about that. Oh well– I’m half Italian and have some Argentinian in me.
I feel like a jpiece of trash and this sucks.
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Matt says:
akitameg:
Shoot just lost the post. I’ll start again.
What you are going through is way past “stinkin’ thinkin’”. What you are doing is what we refer to on this site as MAGICAL THINKING — if I only do X, he’ll do Y. If I do Y, he’ll see how much I love him. Maybe the right person will bring out the ‘real” X and the sweet person I know is underneath that monster will finally come out.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Magical thinking falls into the same category as the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and Santa Claus. Don’t exist. Never will.
You have got to focus on you — and how terribly he treated you. No magical thinking. You need to think of every rotten thing he ever did and focus on that. And don’t tell me about how “yeah, he treated me badly 30 times in a row, but one time he…” Doesn’t work. Love is never easy, but it sure shouldn’t hurt the way you’ve been hurt. And love definitely doesn’t result in you ending up in the ER for assault.
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OxDrover says:
Meg,
QUOTE: “What do you all think about what I wrote about maybe their next victim–they really will love them and never turn bad?”
BOINK!!!BOINK!!!BOINK!!!!
YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT MEGGIE, DEAR!!!! LOL
I used to tell my kids a “stupid question” was one YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO— Boink! again for good measure!
Now, dear, you have to write 1000 times this time, “HE WILL NOT EVER CHANGE, HE WILL VICTIMIZE THEM ALL.” And I want it turned in in good cursive by day light or you will get an F for today and have to sit in study hall for the rest of the week! LOL ((((hugs))))) and always my prayers Meg!
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akitameg says:
thank you so much Oxy and Matt. YOu honesty and prayers are appreciated.
I am going to bed. Or at least watch a little tv. Pray I don’t dream of him all damned night! It is crazy.
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kindheart48 says:
matt, i was reading your post about the sex and mine could care less about sex. He’s more on the narcissistic side and only uses sex in the beginning to get you hooked. That’s what is so perplexing but when you understand that he’s a mysogynist(hates women) it makes more sense. Of course he doesn’t see it this way, like to think he likes women, but he only likes to objectify them. I’d say he’s asexual if anything which has made me wonder if he isn’t a latent homosexual or bisexual but he manages to get women hooked even though he sucks(pardon the punn) at sex and i mean terrible. Women i’ve talked to before me have all concerred that he is a poor lover to say the least. His is the mind f*** and he’s good at it because he knows the sex is all in his head. I remember him asking me once early on if i was orgasmic and i thought what kind of a question is that. Prob taking my pulse to see and sad part is i overlooked sex for 5 years of my life from 42 to 48 years of age and im far from ugly but now i have issues the other way. Everything with him was so weird , that the weird has become normal. habitualized to pretend sex , it’s all just too over the top to even get into. I just hope when i meet a nice guy i remember what it’s like as i feel like he made me into some madonna as he also has the madonna/whore complex which also goes with narcissistic personality disorder. What a wast e of pretty as i saw on a show. He might as well have been in a wheelchair and i would have been a faithful pathetic irish setter. i know im going to be mad over this one someday soon.
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Matt says:
kindheart48:
Same drill with mine — the sex was scortching the first couple of months — he made me feel like I was the best lover on earth. And then the gobi desert phase set in — bone dry in bed. At the end, when he made himself available all I would think is “what do you want now?”
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DancingWarrior says:
Dear Liane,
I can identify with “exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love”
I definitely recognize my learned helplessness as I deeply believe that my husband took care of me in every possible way. In retrospect, I see that he did so only as long as it benefitted him, and how vindictively he was ready to take away these “gifts” or supports as soon as I filed for divorce this summer. Then the fear of NOT having these supports kicked in big time making me paralyzed to move forward, feeling absolutely helpless, left, alone without his “help” or goodwill.
FIr him, money is a huge symbol of exchange of “goods and services” in a relationship. Rules go something like: “you play by my rules and give me the aggrandizing mirror I need, act submissive and helpless, fulfill my demands, and in return I will provide material support. If you seek to be separate from me, have your autonomy, disagree with my desires, I will punish you, and you won’t get a penny for child support” He has used words like, “I know you don’t care if I live or die as long as you get every penny I have, but you won’t get it!! My father gave YOU half a house to raise YOUR family in and you are so ungrateful!”
It is hard to see a calculated cold human being where I am used to seeing him as my family, my friend, father of my child, my “protector.” Almost impossible.
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HeatherM says:
My ex made me very dependent on him, and I didn’t realize it til just recently. I have felt so abandon and like I can’t do anything for myself anymore. I’ve given up on so many things, and that is just what he wanted. I am trying to regain control of my life but it is beyond difficult.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Heather,
Welcome to Lovefraud, you have come to the right place for learning and healing, and your life is NOT out of control, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and you can learn here and take back your power. It may be painful, I don’t tell you that it isn’t, but it will be MORE THAN WORTH THE JOURNEY!
Read, go back through all the old archived articles and read each one. some of them may not be helpful to you right now, but many will. they will show you that this is NOT your “fault” this is abuse, and you are the only one that can stop the abuse as he never will. I am glad you are here, but sorry that you have been hurt. Read and learn and blog, there are people here who understand and empathize. ((((Hugs)))) and god bless you.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
‘The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.’
i hit this right after i figured out ‘he hadn’t died’. and it seared me. at first it wasn’t a depression – there was just this intense pain that said – will never have these things: never be loved, cared for, taken care of. i spent most of my life very independent, but in the last few years of spiraling difficulties I have come to wish for rescue. and seeing no way out of the spiraling difficulties (’cause i try and i ask for help and i believe am always on the look out for some way….) the only option i could come up with was a rescue of some sort.
and ‘he’ presented it. and i wanted it sooo bad that i was willing to hang in their awhile and see.
i was out of step with my generation as a girl – too independent, too aware of the limitations placed on me because of my gender, of access denied, of what felt like love withheld, too aware of male privilege. I didn’t have words or theory as a young one. found them in my 20′s. Then I became very aware of being further ostracized because of my ‘radical’ beliefs and non conforming behaviour. but that’s what our 20′s are for
by the time i was in my early 30′s i was aware that i didn’t want to live as a separtist, that my politics might make me a very good member of a subculture, but i found the sub culture stifling also. I integrated my politics and moved into a more mainstream life, I took up more space.
I know i have given up important things to be part of ‘wider’ culture. especially in a small place like this. which is why i wnet to the web in the first place – things missing from my life. important things. I met two people there (not counting the sock puppets, ’cause really…) over the last 5 years: one N and one spath.
I dated the N. I obsessed about the N….I let go of the N when as my x, she raised her fist to me. SHE was a piece of work.
The spath – sigh. what can i say. Much deep work to do when the time comes. I deeply miss that connection. Many have mentioned that they don’t have a sense of humor – we laughed all the time. I suspect that the chemicals released by that was a big part of my staying on. and that mixed with the drama/trauma of his never ending dying and then the burgeoning abusiveness of the sock puppets hooked me on a physiological level QUITE NICELY.
I keep thinking about printing some of the pictures of ‘him’ and the REAL PERSON BEHIND THIS CON (there are a few on the internet) and cutting them up into tiny strips and weaving them together….
………then lighting them on fire.
daily.
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henry says:
HO HO HO Happy Christmas and Merry Everything – I am off to spend more money I dont have….~!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
henry,
now why did you post this under the blog entry of , ‘why is this so hard for us mentally’? LOL.
have much fun.
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henry says:
spending money you dont have is very hard mentally – besides I have to stick my nose in here ocasionally so ya’ll wont forget me….
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OxDrover says:
Dear henry,
Well, HO, HO HO! TO YOU TOO! Our Christmas spending was done at GoodWill! Actually got some nice NEW clothing the guys would like but couldn’t do retail at all. So got some nice things for the guys taht they could use, they got me a couple of books and one DVD for us all, so very “cheap” christmas but a very GOOD one in spite of that. I baked special things for the guys and we watched the DVD together.
And you know, this has been one of the most relaxing and peaceful holidays and NO STRESS HOLIDAYS in my life time. It is amazing what PEACE does to your life.
The apostle Paul advised the early Christians to be CONTENT with what they had and what they were, even if there were things that they could nto change, like even being a SLAVE. If you could change it, of course do it, but if you could not, then ACCEPT it and be CONTENT! That’s pretty good advice to me.
There might be some things in my life I would LIKE to change but are not in my control, so I will ACCEPT those things and be content anyway!
I really don’t miss the hectic holidays with tons of packages under the tree and then tons of paper thown everywhere and too much to eat and a belly hurting from over doing it, and chaos and stress as a SIDE DISH, I’ll take what I have now and AM CONTENT! HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO EVERYONE!!!
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henry says:
Being spath-free is the best xmas present I could do for myself. That cruel creature ruined my ‘christmas’s past’ three years in a row. I am keepin busy so I dont focus on that. I hope he get’s ran over by a big fat reindeer.
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henry says:
or a hippo with diahrea.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
I think we posted over each other. Yea, I know it is difficult when you feel like you “have” to spend money you don’t have for something in order to keep someone else from being upset. Like Christmas or BDs when people expect a gift. I know you have grandkids and taht makes it even tougher, but you know, at the same time, I think it is perfectly okay to get a token gift even for a kid and just tell them “grandpa can’t afford more.” Or give an alternative homemade gift.
One of the things my step dad enjoyed the most that I ever gave him was a little scrap book and a letter I wrote to him telling him how special he was to me. I could have bought him something but the thing I made for him meant more. He kept it on his dresser top til the day he died and I saw him frequently look through it.
Last year for Christmas my son D and I made a CD of all the old songs we could find bout “thank God and Greyhound she’s gone” for my son C for Christmas and he ROARED said it was the best Xmas present ever! Only cost us 99 cents to down load that one song off the internet, we had the rest of them on our CDs.
This year I baked for the guys (we’ve already had our celebration since son D is going out of state tomorrow) and the little things we got for each other didn’t cost much at all, but were individually chosen with care and love.
Just having love and Peace in the house and no stress or unnecessary spending is a good thing! Hope your holidays are lovely Henry, you DESERVE IT! Love an dhugs Oxy
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OxDrover says:
O, Henry!!!! (I like that as O. Henry is one of my favorite authors!) you are tooooo toooo much!
You make me laugh as I have a very visual mind. I can just PICTURE that collision on the highway! Poooo everywhere! LOL
Keep in mind though, Henry, he is his OWN worst enemy and is ALWAYS covered in his own poo because he wallows in it. He will never have a P-FREE day much less an enjoyable holiday!
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helplessangel says:
I can’t get over the feeling of being so stupid! I saw this coming, I saw the signs, knew the behaviors weren’t normal or rational. This person had me in such a hypnotic trance I came back for more abuse. I was the idiot. He knew what things to say to me to manipulate me. It was sick stuff. Now I know, but too late.
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Rosa says:
Henry:
I have been taking care of my niece ever since she was a baby.
When she was 2-3 years old, she went through a phase when she came to my house.
She would always ask, “Do you have something for me?” everytime she came to my house.
And, I would always respond, “Yes, I have something for you….MY LOVE!” And then I would give her a big hug and kisses.
Now, she does not require a lot of things from me, even though her mother is a MAJOR HOARDER, and totally obsessed with things.
But, part of it was my own fault, because I was giving her a lot of things back then. But, I stopped it when she started asking, “Do you have something for me?”
My mother and I have really tried to stress to this child that life is not about things.
It’s about love.
I guess my point is that kids don’t require as much as you might think they do.
Dr. Leedom even writes that children can become over-stimulated with too many things in her book, “Just Like His Father.” And that’s not good.
Just give the kids what you can, and tell them the most important part is, “I love you.”
~I’m not a parent, so I don’t know if this is the right advice, but it seems to be working for me…at least for now.
Henry, did I read somewhere that your granddaughter carries a sword?
My niece carries a gun (a Nerf, not a Glock).
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lostingrief says:
dear helpless,
we ALL saw it coming to varying degrees.
i stayed in it for 20+ years, knowing full well what he had done to others. i never thought he’d do it to me, too. but it just wasn’t my turn … yet … and when it was … holy crap! i ended up almost dead from the stress and depression. let’s not talk about stupid!
it’s sick alright, but it’s never too late.
we will all reclaim ourselves in time.
until then, be kind to yourself. remember, they choose those with big hearts, generous spirits and gracious manner.
i don’t plan on becoming cold and wicked because he is, although i went there for a while. we must remain part of the solution to all of the sickness and hatred in this world.
peace.
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helplessangel says:
thank you lostingrief. I appreciate your support. You are right, he targeted me, he told me he did.
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henry says:
HelplessAngel _ Welcome, and if your and idiot so am I. I look at it like they are imposter’s, vampires that cast their spell on us. I was not stupid but ignorant. I was surrounded by vampire’s. When all our blood is gone they move on to fresh humanity, too ignorant people. I can forgive myself for being ignorant. If I fall for another vampire then I am stupid, because I know better now..this happened to us for a reason – a life lesson – so dont be hard on yourself – just heal and be the good person you are and wear garlic around your neck to avoid them in the future. They are unnatural beings, it can happen to anyone..
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henry says:
Rosa – My granddaughter wears a pink balarina outfit and carrys a plastic sword and wont let her dad fire up the fire place until after santa comes….
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recovering says:
Dr. Leedom’s article and Mickey’s comments offer crucial reasons we have difficulty getting beyond our experience with a sociopath that have to do with depression, anxiety and and “trauma”– the mental anguish for victims as a result of the N/S’s web of deceit, manipulation and destruction.
I believe another part has to do with the sense of “unreality” — slowly embracing the unsettling realization that we were dealing with abnormal/disordered individuals who do not operate from basic rules of human engagement.
For me, there has been a “Twilight Zone” after-taste to the experience. While doing well detaching emotionally (by falling out of love, losing interest in the disordered person), there’s been an intellectual component of cognitive dissonance. While I don’t readily recall fond or sentimental memories that trigger loving feelings when I think about my ex, I often have moments of “Wow — who the hell was that person?”
My ex-N/S mirrored my values and mimicked other human qualities while disguising his core dysfunction in ways that were very confusing for a while, until I gradually and finally figured things out. I experienced many moments of both sadness and anger on the unfolding journey of understanding to “know with humility” and grow toward acceptance.
Lovefraud and other websites made a big difference in giving me the foundation of support and knowledge to alleviate the confusion and frustration and re-empower myself as I continued to practice boundaries and limited contact, then gradual and ongoing NC a day at a time.
It still feels just amazing/incredible — a mind-blowing shock to the system, to say the least, that I thought I was dealing with a real person with rational faculties and capabilities for human emotion.
It is taking time to fully overcome this sense of having had a “Twilight Zone” experience. I’ve decided to cut myself some slack during the Holiday season by not working as hard, and doing fun reading, other playful lolligagging and putting limited pressure on myself as I continue on the path of healing to return to a full sense of normalcy.
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henry says:
Recovering -You descibe that Twilight Zone effect so well. I often said it was like an episode of the TZ. You make sense of describing what I was feeling..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
recovering and henry,
this is how i feel too.
i think i will try to explain this to my friends. i am feeling so cut off cause i am still in the TZ.
i have been feeling guilty ’cause i felt like i had one foot in my previous life and one foot in the rarefied air of the relationship with the spath and i cherished this sense of duality – it made me feel powerful, and now i am definitely in two worlds still and neither of them are very nice, and i am thinking i ‘deserve this’ – cause i was so happy to be off and away before.
erggh.
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recovering says:
one_step_at_a_time and henry — I bet it’s so good to know that we weren’t in outer space/TZ alone…LOL.
I’m sure part of the TZ feeling also included second-guessing ourselves because the disordered ones can show oh-so-normal periods of time and otherwise come across as very enlightened/intelligent in other moments.
In our shared experiences, daily or weekly reading at Lovefraud is a life-line for groundedness — like attending virtual group therapy.
As we continue to let the reality of our full N/S experience soak in more and more, and question our perceptions of them less and less, clarity returns.
Not so much that we become know-it-alls, but simply people who have survived inhumane encounters and found hard-won wisdom. This allows us to reclaim our personal power, the basis for owning for our ongoing stability and sanity beyond the TZ experience.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
recovering: i am still in the TZ – that oh so special place, I am just there without the spath now. but she gave me the ticket and i will have to find my own way back.
i am full of swear words tonight – ones that i don’t use (and you will notice that i swear a fair amount. I reread some of the last emails from one of the sock puppets – supposedly a sister of the spath’s (it was the spath) and i am reading that stuff with FULL knowledge now of who she is, that ‘they’ are all one and a growing knowledge of WHAT she is.
funny, the ‘boy’ character who i loved was really great – see, it was split like THAT for me – thought I was dealing with a group of peeps, that were, in reality ALL HER. but he was the one who came across as enlightened. oh you wouldn’t believe the amazing qualities i attributed to him….AAARRRRGGGHH!
fucker.
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recovering says:
One-step — How did this person have the time to live such a made-up, phony life with multiple characters?
One thing I’m noticing about a lot of the stories with the S is that they put a lot of time into the relationships with the “love-bombing,” catering, calling a lot or texting. Talk about over-kill.
Unless they are independently wealthy, how do they find the time to give that much attention to a new or multiple love interest?
Definitely will be a red flag next time some guy wants to pursue me as much as my ex-N/S did or take up so much of my time/make me the center of his world. Seem to be part of their steps toward creating dependence on them and isolating the victim after a while. I’ll have to ask whether he has a legitimate life of his own.
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henry says:
Recovering – Yes virtual group therapy.. I am at almost 2 years no contact and I still find great comfort reading here. Your post are so ‘right were I am at now’ how long have you been no contact? I am questioning the N/S less and less because I dont care about him, but the more I learn about personalitys like him the better I am at setting boundaries and avoiding them.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
recovering:
how she has time, I don’t honestly know…but she has been doing this shit for decades.
She spent about 2 hours a day on the phone with me – then there were email and email from the sock puppets—-and she also had to deal with whoever else she was conning too.
basically, the rest of us are just slackers
I remember one day when i must have spent 5 or 6 hours with ‘him’ and the sock puppets. that was one of the ‘suicide’ attempts.
oh lordy, was i ever suckered in.
I swear, no other personality could have gotten like ‘he’ did. but from what i have leanred here, ‘he’ was tailored for me, both as a risk taker with big empathy, and as the woman with the personal traits, likes, needs, desires and values I have.
i don’t think she works. most con and sleaze there way around. lots of them have more than one ‘family’ at a time. oh, and i hear she has married (a man). no REALLY! But i think she only targets women, and as a man. here i was all excited that i met A BOY i liked. hahaha. wasn’t turned after all!
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henry says:
OneStep – you never physically met this person did you?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Henry –
Noooooo, and I TRIED SOOO HARD, BUT HE KEPT DYYYYYING!
I was on line and on phone since late march/early may. daily. with him and his 2 sisters and bf and bestfreind and ………….
i met hm on a fetish website. his 24/7 dom was dying of cancer….so i responded to his journalling.
he was supposedly AHDH, dissociative, ASD, hypoxic, had 2 open heart surgeries duirng this summer, had been abused by his dad and used to ‘pay’ his dad’s gambling debts, had been blah blah blah…………………………………………………………………………………..and on and on and on.
AND the sweetest most open guilless creautre, whose ‘religion was kindness’ ( inkow the dali lama will forgive her that one)
‘he’ died in sept. then his incestuous sister killed herself 2 days later, then his ohter sister started up a relationship of friendship with me, then his new boyfriend killed himslef a month later, THEN ‘he’ rose from the dead and fucking called me on the phone.
then his sister threatened me. then the lastes sock puppet threatened me online for about a week. I didn’t respond to this shit.
she carries on unhindered online.
She is a career spath. Someone else is suing her. I will help in any way I can.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ouuuu, i left out the three suicide attempts AND the dying phone call.
and the being airlifted to houston from ireland for experimental heart surgery………..
and would you like to see my cache of 50 pictures of ‘him?’ someone else on the site says there were hundreds in total.
I WANT TO KNOW WHOSE FUCKING LIFE SHE STOLE!
I am quite pissed about this tonight.
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henry says:
OneStep – I didnt meet my X online..but after the split I spent way too much time on the net. At one point I had it turned off for about 6 months. It was very sobering. There is life with out the internet. I really came face to face with me. We can get caught up in the machine.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
henry:
I am glad that you walked away from the machine.
I have not spent much time online in terms of meeting people. a couple of months before i met my ex N, and about a week when I met the spath. pattern?
It is hard to meet people – I know i have expressed this before to you. not only lesbo, but kinky, so not so easy in the small uni town. and i didn’t want to be alone anymore- spent 18 years alone. And i already belong to a gardening club
I work online. I wish that I did not.
I also have many contacts from traveling and living overseas, so the internet has always been a way to keep in touch with them. Because i traveled so much all my music is loaded on my laptop – i should burn some Cd’s so that i don’t have to fire up the computer.
lots that lures me to it. and being real poor – it is a cheap way to entertain myself.
yes, i spend too much time online.
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henry says:
I didnt mean to offend you.
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henry says:
I certainly understand how the computer can become our friend and companion and a source of intertainment. I have my addictions as well. I grew up in a world with out the machine and I can see the negative things it has done to me and the world just my humble opinion as I sit here staring into the box…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
henry –
you didn’t offend me.
i didn’t touch a computer until i was 30…
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libelle says:
Dear all, I have to vent again. X wrote me yesterday a card stating that he now is drinking the wine I brought when we were together for happy occasions, and which I told him a year ago (after the split up) either to bring to my sister who lives in the same town or to have them for himself (as a fee for the psychological help as an eye opener). He wrote that he wanted “to make it clear to me that he is now drinking those bottles, with good manners and dignity, i.e. without my girlfriend, and opening each bottle he cheers to my happiness. Kind regards, merry holidays and lots of love X.”
I shivered while getting the letter out of the letter box yesterday, and just opened it today. It was a major trigger as he never ever referred me being HIS GIRLFRIEND (he always stated me being his PARTNER), and I felt sad. Not being part of his world anymore, imaging us drinking this wine in the corner of his cozy kitchen, with the special lamp he bought; but then I looked at the letter with the stamp on it with the airplane on it and I remembered the moment when the mask fell when he told me after a beautiful day when we were flying and he was the pilot that “he does not care who is in the back seat”!
On friday I also had the yearly evaluation with my boss who for the first time acknowledged that I could have been mobbed by his crew and that he failed to prevent it (in the same breath he mentioned that it is my fault too!) Because I did not go to the commity on Mobbing in the hospital (no use as all the members are friends either with the boss or the main mobber), I got a special bonus for “Loyality”! And I made sure that he knows I have something in my hands to ruin his impeccable reputation as a marvelous boss. No use to waste any more energy on this jerk!
And he has no clue that I will resign in 10 days or so!
Thanks for letting me vent. I sure trashed the card of X, and I made a vow today not to open any of these poisonous messages from the past anymore but trash them unopened.
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