ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”
The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
Mickey says:
I understand all that Dr. Leedom is giving as reasons why we are unable to get beyond our experience with a sociopath. I agree that depression has a lot to do with it. But from someone who has lived through the “trauma” of life with a sociiopath, I have to add that I believe it is the singlemost dramatic and horrifying experience of my life, including the death of loved ones. There is nothing that I can give you as an example, nothing that I could even make up including stories of unbearable physical torture, that could compare to the mental anguish and torture that sociopaths perpetrate on their victims. I am quite sure that I will never be the same person I was before I fell into his web of deceit and destruction.
Friday, 4 May 2007 @ 9:21am
hislastdance says:
I agree with all Dr. Leedom has said. I wish someone could wave
a wand over my head and make it all go away.
I haven’t gone for therapy because it is expensive and there was
no blood shed, I get tired of being told to “move on and don’t dwell
on this anymore”
Medicine turned me into a couch zombie and without it I cry.
I think us victims are our own best therapist because we know
what we know, and cannot convince others of the truth.
This man didn’t dangle diamonds in front of me, but twisted every detail of his problems and life around to make it seem I was the
unstable one. Investigations have since proven the truth, I have
been fortunate I am not his first victim or his last and there are
many in between, but I have been advised that I have done all
that I can do to recover. Depression and fear can be overcome
but it sure takes time. It has been eight months for me and the
fear seems to be subsiding, the depression, anger, rage, confusion is changing into motivation, exactly how I do not know, maybe just with time. The mental anguish is worse than
anything I could have felt from him if he were physically abusive.
I find that social support is a great help too, once I get out there
and have some fun, I find I have less anxiety at least for one
more day, and this experience is an hour to hour game of
survival, the opponent is gone. I do want an answer someday
though as to whether or not he has short term memory or does
he recall everything he did to his victims.
And how far in advance do these mentally ill perpetrators plan
the outcome, ie, buying the house, planning the trip, having an
affair, are they impulsive or do they know? From my experience
I can see that he planned it because I was his patient at his medical office and I remember the appointment where he didn’t wear his ring, took my arm and apologized for running late,
asked me to bring my dog by the office so he could see him,
returned medical calls late at night… and on and on. The thing
is I saw it coming but he had me frozen and I couldn’t do anything about it till the end, he was finally arrested and I was
set free.
Friday, 4 May 2007 @ 11:52am
aha says:
I think the pathologicals are running an old time swindle. Similar to what carnival barkers and salesmen run, although they now call themselves CEOs and fraud fortune 1000 companies, in essence they are slimey pathological crooks bait and switch artists, junk peddlers, robbers and con men.
The old sucker con on wall street is to let a target win the first time, same with gambling cons, then after the first big win, the target is then robbed in all subsequent trades, the target throws good money after bad to try to RECOUP THIER LOSSES and get back to the intial win, that first win was staged by the pathological(s) as the bait.
The pathological plays the very same BAIT AND SWITCH game in love romance marriage cons because women and children are easy targets to the pathologicals sick mind, it is hard for targets to forget because instinctively the targets want to RECOUP THIER LOSSES, be they emotional losses or financial losses. So the targets ruminate to try to figure out a way to recover thier losses.
More frauds needs to be prosecuted in courts as pathologicals only understand cause and effect.
Also the worthless concept of ‘romance’ is the perfect cover for todays robbers. Crooks are having a harder time robbing in the 9 to 5 world so most of the predatory practice is going on after 5PM in the love romance marriage cons. To rob a womans paycheck, credit, signature, inheritance, etc is the primary goal of the pathological. Do a test, tell a patho you have an MBA and watch a pathological males eyes light up like a xmas tree.
Like pigs snorkling for truffles in the mud, todays pathological males are all looking for a working womans paycheck to rob, stealing her childrens milk and cookie money. That is the essence of a patholoigical male, stealing childrens milk and cookie money. As they age, pathological males can be found hanging out near schoolyards looking for 5 year olds at recess time.
Prison work camps and restitution paid to victims would be a good way to teach pathological males cause and effect, by forcing a pathological to pay restitution, a cause and effect message is sent to the pathological predator and parasitical male.
Targets ruminate to try to recoup thier losses in this old time bait and switch, predatory, love romance marriage con run by pathologicals. Fraud convictions and restitution would, I believe, ease some of the ruminating of those targeted by a pathological.
Tuesday, 8 May 2007 @ 6:37pm
soloflyer1961 says:
I am just starting the process of getting over a sociopathic relationship. It was 6 years in the making and he left 3 months ago with no warning–but with over 60,000 in gifts, cash and a new car he took from me. When I found out he had an affair, lied, cheated etc. I had a heart attack and am still trying to get out of the house. I have 3 children and a full time job, I am at risk for losing my job because I can not stop crying-my kids are due to come home for the summer from college and I am dreading it–I don’t want to leave my room. I have tried counseling, medication, hypnotism–nothing gets him out of my head. He blackmailed me, called me every name in the book and then would spend hours convincing me I was the “love of his life” the only one he would ever be with–I swear it feels like he cursed me. He is off with a new person as happy as can be and I am left in total devestation. I suffered for 6 years with his ups and downs, his ranting and screaming -mixed with charming talk of a future together. I had major surgery a year ago and he was not there for any of the testing–too busy out with friends. I needed him to help take care of me after the surgery and because he lived 60 miles away–the only way he would help was if I signed a loan on a car for him because of course he has no credit. Now I have no credit–no money-no relationship and can’t leave my house. I am full of anger, mistrust, jealousy and honestly–I feel I will never ever get over this. I have read everything, tried everything, I have no contact with him at all, am pursuing legal action to at least get the car back that is in my name–but I feel guilty for that–WHAT IS wrong with me???
Wednesday, 9 May 2007 @ 7:02am
Liane Leedom, M.D. says:
Dear Soloflyer,
You said he left 3 months ago and
“I have tried counseling, medication, hypnotism–nothing gets him out of my head.”
3 months is not long enough for the things you mentioned to work. Medication can take 6-12 weeks to begin to work. The question is, “Will you recover faster with medication and therapy?” I know that when you are suffering every minute counts.
Recovery starts with changing, “I can’t leave the house” to “I don’t want to leave the house” to “I will choose to do what will give me well-being”
If you make the right choices minute by minute, praise yourself for making good choices. Over time, the good choices will add up. I do not speak these words with any belief that what I propose is easy. I only know that, nearly everyone who recovers, does it this way.
Take comfort in knowing that others have also travelled this same path, and at the end there is peace and joy to be found.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007 @ 9:46am
lovelyt says:
Dear Soloflyer,
I’m a survivor of a sociopath and I wanted to give you some words of support. I dated a man for over 3 years and experience many of the same things everyone experiences with these types of people. The last time he moved out while I was at work and the kids were at school, so literally unexpectedly, was in January of 2007. When everything first came out about all of his lies about 2 years ago, I was completely devastated. I felt like I was falling and spinning at the same time, I didn’t even know which was up or what the real truth was. At that time I decided to stay, becasue I didn’t really know he was a sociopath and I didn’t even know what it meant. Over the last two years more and more lies came out and there were times I just wished he woudl leave. I was so distraught at times, I couldn’t even think straight. Each time he moved out I felt better and disconnected even more. The last time he moved out in February of this year, I was upset, sad, depressed, and discombobulated, but somewhre deep down inside I felt tremendous relief. My suggestion to you is to search you soul for those feelings that are the highest parts of yourself that tell you the truth about him and about yourself, the truth that says you are much better off without him. I still sometimes think about him, but then I go on the web and read blogs like this and my mentality changes immediately to a positive attitude about my self. I didn’t let him come back because I found the strength to search for the truth and ACCEPT that truth this time. You have to accept what you know about him as truth and once you do that you will begin healing. What helped me to do that was reading these blogs each and everyday, and I also started learning as much about the personality disorder as possible. One of the best newsletter I got is from tearsandhealing.com. By learning more and more about the disorder, I started to develop more and more personal power within myself. I had to read each and every day at first, several times a day, but now I only read maybe a couple of times a month to keep in tune. Time heals all wounds, give it some more time and work on yourself in the meantime. The stronger you are the faster you’ll heal and the more abundant you life will be.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007 @ 12:06pm
soloflyer1961 says:
Thank you for the words of encouragement—-I feel too old anymore to deal with this-I am 45—I have a beautiful home and 3 grown children which I almost completely lost the respect of because of him. He convinced me to do things I would never in a million years do–He said if I loved him I would—so I did–He would force me to have sex with his friends so he could watch and take pics–now he is using that as blackmail and threatening to mail them to my kids at college! I am beyond upset, heartsick and depressed as to what I let him do–what I believed in and how this all ended.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007 @ 1:59pm
Fighter says:
We recommend this book to all our victims:
http://www.emotional-rape.com/
Its worth a read.
Most of our victims say its about 18-24 months before things ease up.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007 @ 10:10pm
deedee says:
I had a relationship with a sociopath which ended 3 months ago. I am no quite sure if i am depress or not, but I’ve been having a lot of up and down lately, mostly down. I will be fine for a couple of days, and suddenly I have a bad day or a silly fight with a friend or my mother, and then i start crying and cant stop. I dont really know what is happening to me. I feel fragile, like the smallest of things is enough to upset the balance. I cant seem to understand why it’s happening now, i was doing fine, most of the time, I am doing fine.
When you stop smoking, they say that the third week and the third month are the hardest. Maybe it’s the same when you leave a sociopath. I mean the first two months, I was so determined to move on and to stop being his victim, and now I just realize all the damages done to my sense of self, to my ability to relate to others and to move on, and i dont know what to do, i feel so lost
Friday, 11 May 2007 @ 10:10pm
noanger says:
I am so glad I found this! I have been away from him for a year and a half. I had three therapy sessions about two months after I escaped with my children. The things that went on in the 8 years we were together are beyond description. I don’t even know how to explain it. Anyway I think I was in a “honeymoon” phase for quite a while after I left him and was just happy and relieved to be free. To this day I feel no anger towards him and what he’s done to me and the children. We all have nightmares, my oldest who suffered the most has been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, and my youngest seems to be ok. I started dating a man a few months after I left him and things are going very well.
My biggest problem is with fear. I worry incessantly about saying things to my man because I don’t want to make him mad or have him not want to be with me anymore. I know on one level that he’s not Him and not anything like personality wise. It’s the “replay” level that I can’t seem to get past. It doesn’t help that memories of “him” are triggered almost constantly now because of the ongoing legal processes for divorce/division of property/custody. He filed up where he’s from for everything. Jurisdiction was given to the state where I reside, he fought it a little, but never showed up for ANY court dates nor did he file answers to any of the custody filings. I now have sole custody with no contact of both our children, but it hurts so much to know that I lived with someone who would rather fight me for a house that I paid for and put my own labor into than to see the kids. On one hand I’m grateful that we’ll probably never have to deal with him b/c of visitation and such, but on the other hand… I don’t know why I can’t feel anger at his treatment of me or the kids, I pretend because I know that’s what’s expected, but I don’t. Can anyone offer me something to understand why this is?
Tuesday, 22 May 2007 @ 7:55pm
hehadlastlaff says:
This is a very interesting website - I found it by googling “con artists”.
In 1998 I was ripped off by a con artist, whom I met through a personal ad. I was going through a very serious depression at the time, and that’s when I met him. He seemed like a breath of fresh air, very intelligent, different than other men I had met. He seemed very supportive of me, and what I was going through with my depression.
He asked me “what are your goals”. I realize now, that this is how he tricked me - into believing that he was going to help me achieve a few things–I said I wanted to move into a home - he helped me find a home - but guess who was paying the high rent of the home??? ME. Once I moved in with him, he had COMPLETE control of me, and was using my credit. He convinced me to order a variety of credit cards, and buy all types of things for this home that we were living in, stating that he had money invested in the stock market that would take care of it all.
When I look back on it now, I realize how stupid I was, but at the time, I was going through a very serious depression, was not thinking clearly, and allowed this jerk to manipulate me. He would go into these screaming rages, and this is one of the ways he controlled and intimidated me into doing what he wanted.
We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for - as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life - this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist??
Thursday, 31 May 2007 @ 12:44am
pokeybanana says:
I read a comment on this blog last week where the reader said that she stopped trying to figure out what was “real” and what was a lie. Intead, she finally accepted that it was all a lie, and it became easier in her mind. I don’t remember where the comment was posted, but I think I’m paraphrasing her correctly. At least, I hope I’m paraphrasing her correctly because when I read her remarks, I realized that in the past month, I have started to feel a sense of freedom in my mind. I still have days, times, when I will remember something that had touched me when it originally occurred only to be quickly followed by the sudden reminder that it was all a lie. And those times are painful. This time of year is especially difficult. My father passed away 12/22/2003, and at the time, my sociopath and I were heavily involved. I get angry because I can’t grieve the loss of my father without remembering HIM. It was one time when he was especially comforting, and I don’t want to remember that. Whatever “softness” he displayed was fake, a lie. I can only hope that one day, when Christmas rolls around and I’m reminded of my dad’s passing that I’ll be able to recall the way my dad made me laugh instead of how this sociopath made me cry.
And, as an FYI, I am suing my ex-boyfriend for damages he did to my house in the way of unfinished projects. I’ve already sent him a final negotiating/demand letter, which resulted in him calling to bluster and thunder and call me names and tell me he would ruin my life, blah, blah, blah. And for the first time since meeting him, I felt no fear, no regret at “upsetting” him, nothing — except a sense of victory as I heard him become irritated at the fact that he couldn’t upset or rattle me. Even his parting words, “If I were you, I’d watch for your safety,” made me laugh. Do I fear for my safety? No. And when I replied, “go ahead,” his frustration hit its high and he hung up on me. I do not fear justice. I fear never loving anyone again. I fear never trusting anyone again. I do not fear doing what is right; I fear doing nothing at all.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Tuesday, 1 January 2008 @ 2:04am
kim says:
that is what i need to do make him pay for all the holes in my walls broken remotes and phones and how long until we can be strong all day long i try to do the everything was a lie or is a lie to keep myself from guessing but i still care and i hurt alot i want to hate him and he left me 3 weeks before christmas wouldnt even talk to me knowing i could loose my house and now 2 weeks after christmas he wants to hang out with us and try to lay rules if he were to come home and the things that i do wrong reasons that he left or is at his mommys ( he is 44) wow when i reread what i write i know the advice i would give but why wont i listen had a fit because i took our daughter to see sesame street where did you get the money how did you pay your housepayment i must be rich because i had 2 doc appt. and i used gas to get there he knows i am struggling and dosent even offer to help who is this man well he has lived here on and off for 3.5 years never helping financial 2 months he didnot like where i was working so he finally says i will help you with the bills so i quit and guess what he moves out all of the sudden starts fights accuses me of running around on him dosnt like my friends now. so he knows that i am not working and was dependent on his portion of the money i have other sources so i always brought more money into the household but i had quit my job and the kids would be out of school for 3 weeks for christmas and i was stuck no babysitter and no job last time he moved out if forget why this time he was over my house on thursday nd friday spent the night had no money for his daughter left sat morning with a probably be back this evening and took another female out sat night of course it was my fault because i was working at a place where my old old boyfriend would go (reastaurant with a bar) so i was running around on him i wasnot i just needed a job and this one worked around the hours my children (2 of them) were in school i could take them in the morning and be home when the bus came by. our child is only 2.5 and when we went to child support ct but he told them he lived with me ( he just moved back when i forgave him for the date with other female) so he was not ordered to pay child support help me someone i still hurt nicbranmia@yahoo.com
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 @ 1:37pm
jofary says:
Noanger: I don’t know that there’s any point in questioning why you don’t feel angry.
Everyone grieves differently (browsing the blogs shows a huge range of emotion) and anger is only one stage of a process that can last several years. You may reach it and you may not. It may simply not be “safe” for you to really feel the anger right now because you’re still dealing with your divorce and you need a cool head to get through it, so you’re denying this feeling to exist just yet.
Also, indicating you are fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing to your new man may mean you don’t feel safe acknowledging your anger in general (because you may misplace it on your man - and then you’ll definitely be saying/doing the “wrong” thing!).
Please be careful in your new relationship. You don’t sound like you’ve finished the grieving process and, if you haven’t noticed from the other blogs, you - a newly separated woman with children - are prime pickings for sociopaths. I’m not suggesting your new guy is one, but definitely pay attention to any red flags.
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 @ 2:30pm
change06 says:
I am psycho too! Or am I just in reaction to his tactics to bring it out of me? This is my third day on the site and I am a recent victim of the sociopath. I have been left feeling as we all express, depression, anxiety, questioning and acting crazy. After his conning, manipulation, lies, and his twisting things around and accusing me that it was my fault. Making him angry. I should just keep my mouth shut and listen to him. I stuck around thinking I would beat him at his game. When I was able to lure him to were I wanted I would drop the bomb on him….It doesnt work- and he got me good. Taking my heart, sanity, and now money. His family members are all disturbed in their own right and he is the greatest manipulator of them. They believe his lies and excuses that his actions are in response to everyone elses wrong doing to him…Me included! Once they were part in sucking me in and now they think I am just a psycho….because of the light he shown on me. This last time he left me I have made continual calls of all kinds to him (one reason is because I wanted my money back) the other reasons I am figuring out now. I feel I am pulling myself out of a cult situation. I still want him, love him and want to fix him. WHY??? Im Working on that and keeping close contact on the blog is helping me one day at a time. One minute at a time!! I suggest the people who are in a close area,(I am in NJ) we should meet and form a support group. SS annonymous…Sociopath Survivors. If anyone is interested please email me at princessonewitch@yahoo.com
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 @ 3:53pm
Beverly says:
Change06. I tried to beat my ex at his own game, thought I could outsmart him and I did in some things - I played the double double bluff on him and he doesnt know everything. But I took an emotional beating for not following his plan. There was so much anxiety, grief and pain for someone who did nothing for me. He was very good at pretending and rolling things along now and again to make out he was investing in me - but I saw through it.
Disconnecting from them, as you will read from the survivors who have been down this road - have all been through similar - missing them, wanting them back to fix them - this is all part of the addiction that keeps us hooked into such bad relationships. Like any addiction, complete withdrawal is essential if possible and going through the difficult fallout feelings and thoughts that many of us have been through. It helps alot to get support and someone trusted to talk to who wont judge you. I find expressing myself through this site helps too and meeting like minded people.
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 @ 4:23pm
peggywhoever says:
I have found this to be the most helpful and fascinating website I have encountered. My sociopathic boyfriend is a classic, with all of the symptoms. Grandoise, charming, manipulating, conning, pathalogical lying. Of course we (my children and I) didn’t know any of this. It is the most painful experience of my life, as I trusted him implicitly. He is a predator and has now moved onto another victim. It has been 4 months and I am just now beginning to feel normal, “whatever that is”. I mourned him, and actually thought he had a brain tumor because his behaviour became erractic, emotionally and verbally abusive. I have done (honestly) 500 hours of research and have found broken past relationships including: 1) cheating his ex-wife out of her share of their jointly owned home, 2) swindling former best friend 3) “stealing” money from business partners 4) broken family relationships…including identical twin 5) only one long-term friend. He presently has a new girlfriend who he thinks has money, and/or her family has money and he is trying to swindle them. I called her and her family and tried to warn them, but then got a call from the police that I couldn’t contact her family anymore. So I won’t. But he’ll take everything from them too, his favorite saying is “it’s all about the money”. Fortunately or unfortunately, he is also very good in bed and is extremely convincing, so he’s really clever and capable of trickery. I have never experienced anything like this before, it’s like a nightmare, extremely emotionally devastating. Thank goodness I have finally figured out what happened, so can be on the road to healing and recovery. My family and friends have had a difficult time understanding how I have become “obsessed” with trying to figure out what happened. I was faithful and true, loving and kind with him and thought he was my best friend. He was not. Thank goodness I didn’t invest financially with him, he tried to get me to do this through many ventures, and I would have lost my shirt. Blessings to all of you who are going through or have gone through this experience it is not fun. You may e-mail me if you wish peggywhoever@yahoo.com
Wednesday, 16 January 2008 @ 7:38pm
alohatraveler says:
Dear Peggywhoever,
It’s strange but it seems we all have gone through the slueth stage and the research stage. We end up here from doing research, I suspect.
I applaud you for attempting to warn the other woman about this man and what happened to you sounds pretty typical. The Sociopath will be in a honeymoon phase with his new victim and he will already be filling her head with stories of all the women who didn’t understand him like she does… topped with over the top compliments, affection and as you said… hot in the sack sex. You can be sure that he has already primed the pump so that when you show up and try to warn someone, you will sound like the psycho ex that he made you out to be. You know how convincing they can be so you can understand how she would believe him. After all… she is in LOVE! Right?
It’s sad really but the truth will come out and don’t be surprised if one day she contacts you back after she has been destroyed emotionally and financially screwed.
About being “obsessed.” Here at LoveFraud, no one will call you obsessed because we all have gone through the same process of healing and letting go. Part of letting go, I think, is being obsessed with figuring it out for awhile. It won’t ever make sense but that is the conclusion you have to come to on your own. I spent plenty of time trying to figure out my man when I was still with him and I love what you said about a “brain tumor”. I totally get that. Their behavior is so perplexing and out of our range of experience most of the time that we think of all kinds of crazy reasons until we stumble on the definition of a Sociopath. How did you feel the first time you read the criteria and there you saw all his behaviors like a shopping list? If you haven’t found it yet, look for “DSM-IV” definitions on the internet. They are very helpful.
As for me, my early attempts to warn others backfired and ended with more people calling me crazy which at the time, I wasn’t sure if maybe I was… because feeling like you are “losing your mind” is just one of the neat benefits of your sociopathic encounter. The good news is when you realize there is nothing wrong with you… you will be stronger than ever. And I am lucky in one way… I discovered that one brave soul posted a warning in Sept. 07 about my sociopath on Craigslist in Hawaii where I used to live. That one brave person sparked a landslide of warnings.. (I have thrown a few in there myself).. that continues today. I don’t know how many different individuals are posting but I think it’s a lot as my ex, I call him “the Bad Man”, uses CL constantly to try and meet new victims. He has sex with them and then flips out on them and sends them volumes of vicious emails. If you go to CL Hawaii and use “search” feature on the left side bar, you can search for “merman” in the personals. All the emails that come up are about the Bad Man. When I was with him, he didn’t use CL back then. I am not sure if the Bad Man is a sociopath because he seems to have lost his slick side in the past few years but either way… he is dangerous, exploitive, vicious and bad news for anyone unfortunate enough to be seduced by him for even one day.
Anyway, welcome to LoveFraud and here’s to your recovery.
Aloha…….E.R.
Thursday, 17 January 2008 @ 2:04pm