ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”
PDF The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
one_step_at_a_time says:
libelel,
i am so glad that you figured this out sooo quickly.
I came to see that, ‘to make it clear, or i see clearly now, or I want to make sure you understand’ were preludes to sentences dripping with serious mind f*&kery; ALWAYS exceptionally manipulative.
the spath i tangled with wrote a pulbic note to someone else she duped – a rant agaisnt the woman taking legal action against her, that ended with ‘love ya too. mean it too. and raise you a miss ya.’ THEY ARE JUST INSANE and I a glad that you are away from him.
And VERY glad that you will be moving away from this horrid job situation. GOOD FOR YOU! HANG IN THERE!!
one step
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recovering says:
Henry, congratulations on being almost 2 years no contact.
My relationship lasted 1.5 years, but I have had limited phone contact with my ex in the last few months because I still owe him money he loaned me for my business — he checks in periodically, and I feel it’s rude for me to hang up on him (that would make me like an S, wouldn’t it? — to completely discard someone whom I still owe money). He is a N/S, but I also participated in the situation — the relationship dynamics and accepting the money from him.
So I have NC physically. Like you, I find great comfort and support here at Lovefraud to keep my resolve to stay focused on learning and not get into the la-la land of false hopes. It’ll probably be 3 to 6 months before I can pay him back in full, even with deductions I’m taking out, which I told my ex I will do.
I am able to practice boundaries with the ex even with periodic phone calls about repayment of money. Although I sometimes still chew him out, I cut the ex off when he attempts pity stuff. I remind myself that it was hard to have a healthy relationship with the equality and co-responsibility I need, and this is important for me as someone who has been working most of my adult life on recovering from co-dependency issues from my family-of-origin.
I have embraced my own Shadow and love knowing I have a choice about how to think and behave. I simply trust myself more and no longer feel overly obligated to engage with toxic people beyond certain points, same as I set boundaries with some family members who are still in my life but do not directly impact my daily life. That brings freedom in itself to know one has options about terms of engagement — no more enmeshment, or feeling one has to carry most of the weight for such relationships — just let things be.
In some ways, the experience with my ex served me well because it forced me to these new levels of self-awareness and taking greater ownership for my own well-being. So I’ve become less angry at him and see more of the blessings that have evolved, including less interest in co-dependency control tactics and more acceptance that there are different people in the world who want different things.
Like you, the more I learn about personality disorders, the more I’ve moved away from being interested in potential mates who need “fixing” (this was an unconscious motive obviously — another result of being a caretaker in my family of origin where I had adult responsibilities as a child and “nurtured” several alcoholics in my family). No wonder I went on to get a master’s degree in the helping professions.
So it is what it is. I understand why complete NC is the ideal –the blocks of time completely away from my ex have helped me mentally detox from the non-sense, and my current situation is manageable. I’m now doing lunch outings with new men, some with potential to become friends — a big step in knowing I’m slowly opening to new M/F relationships.
I believe maintaining boundaries and knowing my limits will keep me clear about focusing on my needs while also respecting the right of others to be who they are — whether they want to grow and become mentally healthier or not is their choice.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
recovering,
my spath promised me money. i never thought about how that would be if it had actually come through . thanks for this post cause it gave me some info.
i understand and applaud your sense of ethics re paying him back. and in my ‘death and destuction to all spaths phase’, i’d love it is ONE OF THEM LOST MONEY. forgive me. I am not suggesting it, just saying….;)
one step
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henry says:
thanks to you all for being here.. I dont trust myself to let him talk to me – it’s about that twilight zone thing…I dont like that feeling of having to look over my shoulder again – two years and no sight of him – sheesh – my friend says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he is trying to get his foot back in the door – i think it was LOOK at me _ I am fine with out you…
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OxDrover says:
Dear One-step,
You mention reading or rereading e mails from the/a spath that targeted you.
I suggest that you go NC with this person and that you do not either READ any of her blogs, or e mails or anything else. This person never really existed except as a FAKE, and rereading those e mails keeps you involved emotionally with this. The REASON that NC is so important is that it keeps them from being able to “reinjure” even emotionally our souls by contact with their toxic logic.
I know it is “natural” to want to keep up with what they are doing or saying or posting on web sites, but I think strongly that if they are on a web site, we need to avoid it—what do we care what they say about us to people we really don’t know or interact with in RL. It is a cyber world, not the real world.
While I “love” this site, if it began to give me pain and was frustration and fighting all teh time I would leave here. It is not worth it to get myself upset and stay that way. One of the reasons I have been around 2+ years is that Donna runs a good ship and there is seldom any flamming or problems here, but I left another site because it had too many frequent problems and I would do the same here if this became problematic.
I have lots of “friends” here that I adore, and would lose contact with them if I left this site, but at the same time, if staying here was problematic, I am not going to tolerate problems in my life. I have removed REAL PEOPLE out of my life for drama and such, so removing a web site is NOTHING compared to that if it is TOXIC and painful.
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libelle says:
Dear Henry, I just would like to repeat what my mother told me this morning as I told her about the “Happy letter” X was writing to me.
X is NOT HAPPY!!! If X was happy he forgot about you and the rest of the world and would wish you the same happiness he is experiencing but he would not bother showing it to you. X wants to reel you back in in case the truck-guy kicks X out (and he will sooner or later kick X out!).
“I dont trust myself to let him talk to me – it’s about that twilight zone thing”.
I think you already talked to him BY NOT TALKING.
Remember 80% of conversation is non verbal. You stepped out of the twilight into bright lights! Towanda, I just can repeat myself. You did great!!!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hey oxy
i am moving my way through this situation the best I can. reading and learning from the wisdom of others, and using my own wisdom.
i went to that email because it was in my mind a lot – going to it allowed me to SEE her insanity. and that is important. and to put it here is a way to reveal it – to have support and let the light of day settle on it.
i do not spend time on her sites. i went recently to catalogue things for the lawyer. i also do not spend time on the site where we met. this is a BIG shift from having gone several times a day compulsively just a few short weeks ago. I DO have someone watching her, and i am unravelling what that is about for me.
‘he’ was real to me. that although ‘he’ wasn’t in my physical life, ‘he’ was in my day to day life on phone for months. i am not removing a website- i am removing a person, no less real or fake than any other spath. Different than having them in hardcopy – yes. but, so what?
I see the wisdom in NC. It takes as long as it takes each of us to come to different stages. respect that this is a process for me.
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witsend says:
One Step,
Being emotionally invested with an S/P/N is being in love with an illusion, no matter how you look at it. So I have no doubt that your investment emotionally isn’t much different than anyone elses. When broken down it is like being in love with something that isn’t REAL anyways, even if there was a physical “body” involved.
But the N/C part of it would be the same…..The reason N/C begins to help us detach is that we do not know of the daily drama/whereabouts/or ongoing affairs, cons or whatever the person in question might be doing.
Even “hearing” this stuff from a third party of what is currently “going on” with your X can be harmful to you in the respect that it keeps “stirring the pot” so to speak.
It is like picking the scab off of a wound every time it begins to heal….There is that “re-injury” everytime you hear “new” news about what they are “up to”.
I think that is what Oxy was saying to you….
You might have your reasons for not going complete N/C, but there will also be the side effects. And the side effects are that it will SLOW down the healing process considerably. And it is very easy to get “stuck” there.
Any space in your head that is consumed with “them” is less space AVAILABLE for thoughts of you and what is in your best interest as far as healing goes. It keeps that anger simmering and other emotions you are feeling towards the X as well.
Does that make sense to you?
There really does have to come a time when it isn’t ABOUT them anymore. Not why they did do it to you or why they continue to do it to others.
It is all easier said than done, of course. But by not having complete N/C it is almost impossible to not take up valuable space in your head. That is why this is something everyone here continues to talk about…..Total N/C is the only thing that has proven to be something that gives us the power that we need to take back, in order to move forward.
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recovering says:
one_step_at_a_time: thanks for getting that it is about my own sense of ethics re: paying someone back for a loan I got.
I also understand your challenge about and reasons for not going complete N/C, and the potential “side effects” mentioned by witsend.
I think being honest with yourself is the most important thing, especially when you have unfinished business with someone. I’m sure you will take Oxy’s comments into consideration as well.
As someone who has occasional phone contact with movement toward full NC, I have to stay cognizant of the potential for sly manipulation from my ex in the form of being nice, because he was very helpful to me with work-related chores (my business is home-based). I know this could be risky, so want to be aware at potentially vulnerable times like when we have major snowfalls/ice and I need help shoveling or around the Holidays when most of my family is not nearby. My biggest challenge from the occasional call is to not allow myself to get irritated enough with non-sense from the ex that I might go into “counseling” mode –it helps when I tell him I’ll charge for the phone time and deduct more money from what I owe him. LOL
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henry says:
libelle Thanks. I have not felt that twilight zone thing for a long time, only when I think back to the whole toxic episode when he was here. I have moved on so far, I am really making progress in disecting what happened in my past life that brought me to that low point with him. I have been no contact close too two years. Has been a struggle but I feel like I had no other choice concerning him. You are right about verbal communication, if I knocked on someones door knowing they were standing on the other side refusing to answer, I think that would speak volumes to me. I have no third partys to convey any news about him. He is not happy, I could see that through my bamboo shades enuff to see that nasty scowl on his face. He is misersable. His family dont want anything to do with him on holidays, so I guess he is feeling unloved and decided to harass me for intertainment. But what you all here know about they way he has affected me, he will never know or care or understand. And I sure as hell will never let him know how much energy he has taken from me..hes a sad scarey guy, I tried to help him, but ….he see’s it like he has done nothing wrong – like he was the one that wronged…whats he doing driving 45 miles to see me if he has a beau at home?
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henry says:
recovering – the fact that you are repaying any debt to him – fair or unfair shows you respect yourself. And you are a good person despite the asshole he is…
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recovering says:
henry — thank you for your kind words. I’ve changed somewhat because of the TZ encounter with the N/S — I integrated my own Shadow in positive ways to serve me well with a little bit of edginess, no longer obligated to allow all who want to be part of my life to do so unless they are capable of reciprocal relating — but my core values remain in tact.
So, your ex is driving 45 miles to see you even though he has a beau at home. And acting as if he’s done nothing wrong, like he was the one that wronged. You are definitely being tested after almost two years of NC.
Do you still feel empathic/tugged at to want to help him in any way as you tried to do in the past?
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
To answer your question—he was just overcome with sentimentality about the cat he abandoned 2 years ago and he just had to come out and search for her here at Christmas time, he just couldn’t stand the thought of her being cold and hungry! LOL ROTFLMAO HA HA HA AH HA CHOKE, SNORT!
Brings a tear to your eye about his caring, doesn’t it? NOT!!!!!
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henry says:
Nope – not in the least, glad he is doing well and driving a expensive truck, he was homeless and on foot with no drivers license when I took him on. I told him once ” why dont you find a sugar daddy with money instead of sticking around here pretending to love me just to keep a roof over your head?’ this just makes it even more apparent that he is heartless and mean spirited..
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henry says:
oops posted over you Oxy – my Nope response was to Recovering…Ox the fact that he walked around my house before knocking was ballsy..then he drove over to neighbors was even ballsyier as they know he is a physco… I noticed he didnt stop at the old hags place across the road to get him some tho – but her husband was home or he prolly would of..
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shana31 says:
I recently read a book that I cannot recall the name of, but in describing different personality types of men that we date, the ladies’ man comes remarkably close to that of a sociopath, at least in the beginning stages of the relationship. I may not be able to say this exactly as the author says, but…with all the lavish attention and praise that he bestows on us, we think we are falling for him, but in essence what happens, is that we are falling in love with ourselves. We are able to see ourselves in the way that “he sees us”. So that when it is over, it is as though we have not severed a relationship with him only, but with ourselves as well.
went all day today without thinking of him.
In the case of the sociopath, all this just seems to be magnified because you never get any solid answers and you are left to find closure all on your own.
I am very thankful to have found this website and in the last week, it has helped me tremendously. I actually almost
For those who may be new here and/or just discovering what your ex may be all about, one of the first things I read that made my blood go cold, was a website on “psychopathic predators”. I found it while googling emotional closure and it was the first time I was face to face with the enormity of my situation.
Gettin’ better every day!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
di posted on this thread in December – around the time i first came here. i sound pretty clear about where i was at.
but i don’t remember reading this post. BUT IT IS SO RIGHT ON TO WHAT I KNOW ABOUT WHERE I AM, RIGHT NOW!
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silvermoon says:
A letter from a another friend tells me-
What to do? Go on about your life and enjoy it the best you can and be the person you’ve always been, especially the person you were before he came into your life. That foray into Hell was a blip on the radar for both you
And this reminds me that the key to it is making the event small. How? Increase the altitude of your perspective. Go up 10,000 feet out of the details. in the detail, a spath can and will bury you. At cruising altitude, they become much more visible. The trick is to stop short of going into outer space.
But, if you are going to contemplate a deeply spiritual approach to the thing, then that too is going to allow you to find a place of being integrated in yourself to move on. Comfort and protection from Angels who have way more experience than you do with fighting this battle and most of all, peace.
Skillet boinks don’t work unless you let them and I know that what a horse told you yesterday is that if you are clear about who you are, they are cool with it and if you are respectful you are a desirable companion. I am sure a horse told you – you’re good to hang with because horses are very accepting and to a horse, a companion to stand in the sun with is good enough.
Horses are so cool.
You are cool. Put on your aviators and take it up 10,000 feet.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
This article is so right-on. Mirroring by sociopaths makes you think there is a real connection, soul-mate. Typically, endings are swift, which sets rumination into hyper-drive. WTF? Sociopaths often employ some pity play, reinforcing ruminations. “If only… If he lets me, I can fix him…” More rumination.
I can attest that depression and rumination go hand-in-hand. Acting out via alcohol or drugs, sex or spending is only a short-term relief; the end result being increased depression, increased rumination. Flight leads to isolation and nothing is worse for depression than isolation.
I did all of that and more trying to forget my experience with a sociopath. I drank heavily and occasional took drugs. I probably had 100 hookups in 9 months, maybe more as I cannot remember many of them. I gave up my apartment in New York City and went on a world tour: Montreal, Berlin, Budapest, Quebec and St. Petersburg, Russia. Drinking, drugging and hooking up. All the time knowing I had a serious heart condition.
I guess I figured if I was going to die young, I was going to die happy. However, I was miserable and broken. But nobody knew. Everyone was envious of my rock-star life. Now I know why so stars die of overdoses. They have what everybody seems to want, but really have nothing.
In Berlin, I reached an emotional bottom unlike any before in my life. Interestingly, it happened at a concert. I was seeing my favorite band Muse or the first time. Unexpectedly, they played the haunting song “Starlite”:
“Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
The Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away
This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations, YEAH
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold”
Nothing could have better summed up my life at that moment, 4000 miles from home and alone.
I lost it. I don’t remember the rest of the concert nor how I got back to my apartment.
I week later, back into New York, I went tomy first AA meeting. That was 6 months ago. I have not had a drink since. Nor any other acting out as well. Only then the emotional healing began.
While open-heart surgery has now made the emotional healing process more difficult, I can honestly say at least the emotional attachment is broken. Much of that is due to what I learned here but a lot of it too is from not being depressed all the time.
As my physical recovery continues, I will be able to do more and more. The occasional bouts of depression will lift. I will regain all the life I had before the sociopath. Jamie will fade away because I need to let him go. Now, finally, when I feel good, I don’t think about him much.
If there is a “Higher Power” to all this, while meeting Jamie was the worst thing that ever happened to me, in some ways it was the best too, as my relationship with a sociopath forced me to confront all the issues that left me vulnerable to such a person and from being the person I always wanted to be.
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Rosa says:
Behind Blue Eyes:
I found the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgum6OT_VH8
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OxDrover says:
Dear blue_eyes,
You found out the thing that we all need to learn, when you are running from yourself, you always take yourself with you. I’m glad that you are clean and sober and healing. I can’t imagine the courage it took to post that revelation here. I sort of thought there was “more” to the Jamie story than you had told, but now I can see why it was so devestating, the aftermath was worse than the relationship itself.
Many of us here at LF are “alone” (without a significant other love interest) and with some small chance of really finding what we would pretty much like to have, but I’ve come to grips with being alone, but not lonely, if that makes sense.
I’m no longer willing to set my standards low enough to have a “warm body” with little else in my life. I don’t feell cheated because my standards are HIGH. I’m not interested in “hook ups” or one night stands, or sex with someone I don’t love, because TO ME that is not fulfilling in the least. It might be for some, but NOT for me.
I wish you the best that life has to offer and that you will continue to take care of YOURSELF FIRST. You do deserve the good, but first you must treat yourself as well as you would like others to treat you. I’m glad you you are.
Matt, a gay attorney who blogs here has found a wonderful relationship, a new job and is doing well and happy after he finally healed from the psychopath he took in because he was lonely and set his standards too low. After my husband died, I was very lonely, low, depressed, and needy, I let myselfr become involved with a toxic P because of that fear of being “alone”—NO MORE! Even life alone is great if you like yourself! (((((Hugs)))) and God bless!
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Oxdrover;
Early on during AA meetings, I tried to share about Jamie but it was very difficult because I would get too emotional. I also felt that I needed to be careful of my words, because many in the meeting were HIV positive. I was also embarrassed to admit being so attached to somebody I only knew for one month. Thus, I did not talk about him very much. I also experienced a stunning lack of support from family and friends, with a couple of my closest friends being particularly unsupportive, including one of the two friends who met Jamie.
Through AA I met several whom I began to trust. Interestingly, when I opened up to them, there focus seemed to be more on his “pain and suffering,” not mine. They did not view him as “toxic.” Rather, through his “pain” they found reason to justify his actions toward me. One even suggested that Jamie was actually trying to protect me. Not exactly what I needed to hear.
For 9 months or so, I had the thought I might have been dealing with a sociopath, but I did not talk much about this. About a month before my surgery, I met somebody in a meeting and afterwards, I began to tell him about Jamie. While I was talking to him, he asked me for a pen and wrote one word on a piece of paper. When I was finished, he showed me that word: SOCIOPATH. Right after that I found Lovefraud.
Originally, I was going to write a letter to be published. My protective natured prevented me from so doing. When I saw stories with similar experiences, I started sharing. The advice and support I received here has been crucial to my being able to make an emotional break from him. Your support has been particularly important.
There are so many little things that make this story bizarre and unforgettable. In my depressed state, it was easy to view it all as some cosmic reason that we should be together. Even my psychologist shook his head when I told him about finding in Quebec the “James Pride” building on Jamie’s birthday.
If not for Lovefraud (and yourself), I would be still sticking to such silly notions and still falling for the “pity play.”
The AA Big Book admits some people cannot be helped. I fear Jamie is one such person. The last line of my last email was something like “Jamie, I know we both have issues to take care of; take care of yours because there are people who care about you.” While I never intended for it to be my last words too him, in retrospect they are quite profound.
I have done everything I can possible do to take care of my issues. If Jamie is not a sociopath, but just a person who’s pain and suffering is deeper than mine, he will find his way into support and as part of his healing process he will need to make amends to those he harmed. I am prepared for that.
If he is a sociopath, he will not seek help. In either case, I have no intention of contacting him, as there is too much risk for *me.*
Finally, I need to be thankful I found that profile of his online. Otherwise, I would have been left thinking I lost something truly special.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Bllue_eyes,
I am glad that my suppport has been helpful to you. LF I think saved my sanity! Unfortunately, there are many at AA who are psychopaths with addictions and when they get sober they are referred to as “dry drunks”—so watch out for those at AA. I am very pro-AA it is a good organization, but it doesn’t look at the TOTAL person only the part that is addicted. Many Ps self-medicate with drugs/alcohol, but when they are “dry” they are still Ps and will take advantage of their positions as “leaders” in AA to con others. Kim can tell you about that! LOL
AA also tends to “blame” all bad behavior on drink or drugs and this is not as lyou know, the case. I am glad that you are sober though, and I encourage you to do whatever it takes to STAY that way for your health if no other reason. You have a second chance at life and I know you do appreciate that chance to build upon as a good life—with or without a partner. But we must become COMPLETE people in order for us to be a worthy parther for someone else who is also COMPLETE then we can SHARE our goodness and our caring. If that makes any sense. If we are not the kind of people we need to be, i.e. HEALTHY, then we will not be able to have a good relationship even with a person who is “prefect” (and of course there is no such person) Bottom line is that WE have to love ourselves in order to be able to find a healthy person who loves themselves. INTER-DEPENDENT relationship not one person dependent upon the other.
I think you are well on your way toward healing, but remember it is a JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION.
And BTW don’t hold your breath for Jamie to try to truly make “amends”—thought I bet he WILL show back up at some point when he needs supply. Most of the time they do. Keep NC and don’t even listen! You do not owe him a thing, not even to listen to him.
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kim frederick says:
Hi Oxy and Blue eyes. I felt compelled to jump in here.
While I agree that there is probably a higher than average of the personality disordered in AA, most members are highly ethical people who are taking a hard look at themselves and trying to get well. I don’t agree that AA treats only the addiction, although it may look like that on the surface. I think it’s in the 12 and 12 where it says, “alcohol was only a symptom of our disease.” this implys that there are underlying issues at work, and we need to address them.
that’s why, as soon as we’ve admitted our defeat and hopelessness, reach out and establish faith in a higher power, we begin taking a look at ourselves and our behavior. This is step 4, and the Big Book is quite adament in stating that we are not to focus on the percieved slights of others, but on ourselves. This is not an easy task, especially for those of us who were abused, and it’s not an over night cure. It takes time and patience. It’s a process.
The 12 and 12 also states that “self-centered fear is the chief activator of all our charictor defects.”
What is self centered fear? The fear of losing what we have, or not getting what we want…we replace that fear with faith. We surrender our will.
Our preamble, read at every AA meeting reminds us over and over the importance of honesty.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
The steps provide us with a decidedly non spath like approach to life, and since most addicts are entirely self-centered and
dishonest (at least about their addictions) this provides a focus and a plan toward a successful life.
There are dry drunks in AA, but they ussually aren’t working the steps…if they’re spaths, you pick it up pretty quickly by their narcissism and lack of humility.
Congrats Blue eyes, on your recovery. Work the steps, get a sponser.
I can totally identify with your resistance to the suggestion that you should pity Jamie, however, I think your fellow members are trying to help you find yourself, and let him go.
Well there I go….preaching again.
These are very focused
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Matt says:
behind_blue_eyes:
Hi, I’m Matt (Hi, OxDrover).
You’ve been given a lot of good advice. The one bit of advice I can give you is that sometimes taking a time out is the best course of action.
I, too, lived in NYC until recently. Maybe it’s a function of the internet, maybe it’s a function of NYC being home to 10 million people, but I think that there is this attitude out there that the minute you meet someone, you’re already looking over his/her shoulder and on to the next person. And that, as you have discovered leads from one disastrous relationship to the next, culminating, in my case with my S-ex.
After I broke it off, then I got hit with a layoff. So, I took the time to sit down and get really clear about what I was looking for and really clear about what made me such a magnet for Cluster-Bs. By the time I finally decided to go out and start dating again, I had discarded “my type” and was looking for a whole different set of qualities in the man I chose to get involved with, starting with kindness.
By setting a really hard set of “non-negotiables” and deciding to get to know him before I dove in head first, I was really able to find a quality man. Hell, I must have gotten the system right this time because we’re closing in on a year.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kim, I agree 110% with you about those who actually work the program of 12 steps, the Ps in AA however, only APPEAR to work the 12 steps, NOT really doing it. They MASK their underlying problem (no conscience) by appearing to be great AA members, just like the FAKE MINISTERS and fake Christians use religion as a COVER, these creeps use AA as a cover and prey on those that ARE trying to work the program. That is why I caution myself and others to not believe somone’s words, but LOOK AT THEIR ACTIONS no matter what position they are in.
Look at the way the Catholic church used its power, authority and so on to COVER UP FOR the pedophiles in the ranks, even all the way to the TOP—the pope himself! Heck, if you can’t trust the Pope, who can you trust in religion? Jim Jones, and so on! Lots of GOOD groups have BAD APPLES, heck one of the apostles betrayed Jesus so I think a word of caution to us ALL is to keep that caution SHARP and always watch the actions not just the words of anyone—even “good” groups!
Good advice too, Matt!!! How is the new job coming along? How does it feel to be the only (or at least one of the FEW) honest attorneys in DC? You swimming with the sharks? LOL
Hope all is well! Enjoying a day in may when it didn’t get to be 60 degrees (it has been 90+!!!!) Won’t be long til I’ll be cursing the temp for being too hot! LOL
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kim frederick says:
Matt,
So happy for you!
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kim frederick says:
Yes, Oxy, I agree. Never ever have blind faith in anyone…
Now I have a confession to make. As much as I believe in the 12 steps, (for everybody, for every problem, and I do believe in honesty and personal accountability….
I’m having a night-cap as we speak.
Cheers!
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Matt says:
Hey, OxDrover:
Life in WDC is going well. Enjoying the new position and enjoying doing my part to put the bad ‘uns away. Found a place to rent so at least I won’t be homeless when the corporate housing goes away. Also signed the contract on my place in NYC, so it looks like I really will be moving down here permanently.
Am going through a bit of NYC withdrawal. Have not found one good pizza place down here. When people suggest Papa Johns or Dominos I look at them like they’re insane. That doesn’t even qualify as edible let alone pizza to New Yorkers. I am convinced I could make millions if I could convince a New York pizzeria to open up down here. Oh, well, I can dream, can’t I? I guess a good ‘za fix qualifies as a reason to visit NYC periodically.
Also, my NYC withdrawal is partially on account of the fact tha I’ve lived there for half my life. My friends are there, my support network is there, I’m comforable there, I have a great place to live there. But, as I’ve learned, you never get all the pieces of your life right at once. If you had asked me 19 months ago, I would have said I had a great job (well, at least I made great money), a great apartment, great friends and, oh, yes, I have this slight problem of a S boyfriend. Then I got rid of the S. Then I lost the job.
So, a year ago, after I met my partner, I would have said I have this great guy, a great apartment, great friends, and, oh, yes, I have this pesky unemployment problem.
And today? Well, I can say I have a great job, a great guy, great friends, and, oh, yes, I’m living out of my suitcase while I’m waiting for the sale of my NYC place to close and hopefully then can find a great apartment.
Yup, you never do get it all at once. But, not haing my S-ex in my life makes the housing situation look trivial in comparison.
As for honest lawyers in WDC, I’ve come to the conclusion that 98 pericent of lawyers are singularly unpleasant individuals. I’m grateful that my contact with them to a minimum.
Meanwhile, how is life in Arkansas? It was freezing in NYC this weekend and actually snowed upstate. It’s in the 50s down here. I have the feeling this is going to be one of those years like 1980 after Mt. St. Helen’s erupted and we didn’t have a summer. Wanda Sykes the commedien said that between the hurricanes, tornadoes and volcanos erupting it’s like Mother Nature is going through menopause. All I know if that’s the case, I want her to go through a prolonged hotflash — like from June 21st through September 21st.
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kim frederick says:
Matt, funny! Mother nature in menopause!
I was tending bar in Washington State when Mt. St Helens Blew. My brother climbed her in his youth…complete with picks and ropes and such. I miss my home, too.
I live in Florida now, for the last 20 years and still can’t handle the humidity…but we adjust. We aclimate and so forth….we withstand the cultue shock.
So, open your own pizza joint and make a killing on the side.
Best wishes Matt.
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kim frederick says:
Hey Oxy, I just don’t want to mis-lead anyone or mis-represent myself….I spent 9 years in AA, sober. I went to out patient treatment for 2 years…I attended coda meetings, alanon, and looked into LAA. I raised my kids, got a degree in Lit, and started an MA in English….was two courses from finishing….started drinking again, met the spath, and you just don’t want to know what hell I saw then.
I’m much better now, but still imbibe now and again……
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silvermoon says:
Matt,
You have to look at junk food differently down this way… Try crabcake sandwiches at the capital farmer’s market- used to be the BOMB!
Pizza – notso much. Oyster PO Boys are an acquired taste and shad roe? Don’t let anybody fool you- its nearly poison .
Down this way? BBQ. Pulled Pork. Its everywhere. Its the junk food. That and crabcakes.
I’m a refugee from Phila. I drive to get a cheeseteak. You are right, its not the same….
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Rosa says:
You call that paper thin crap in NYC pizza????
Everybody knows the best pizza in this country comes from CHICAGO!!!!
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silvermoon says:
ooohoohooh whats the famous deep dish pizza in Chitown- a friend had some flown out to me and it was awesome1
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kim frederick says:
In Washington state we have alder smoked salmon, and wild blackberry cobbler. We have yellow chantrells (a wild mushroom) and razor clams….
Florida, where I live now, boiled peanuts…an aquired taste, but very good. Turnup and collard greens, also very good!
Grits….not so much.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Oxdrover;
When I met Jamie, my words to him describing the relationship I sought were very real — one not based upon loneliness or an need to feel complete, one not a codependency. I wanted something real, continually fresh, knowing that to have such a relationship requires work and the understanding that gay relationships are particularly difficult to sustain. Above all, one based upon trust and honesty. Little did I realize…
I also did not realize that at the time, I was not capable of such a relationship. I had to many underlying issues that needed work.
I joined AA because I had a drinking problem, I was not the classic alcoholic and I can stay away from alcohol without AA. I stayed to work on the underlying issues that caused me to drink so heavily not only in the time since Jamie, but in the couple of years prior to meeting him.
Many in the rooms have very serious problems. Some have made remarkable progress. Some are still dry drunks. I met a couple of guys I like, but all raised red flags and I stayed away. Plus, I want to take a couple more months to be fully recovered from my surgery until I even begin to think about dating. During that time, I want to reconnect with and expand my circle of friends, become more service involved outside AA, and resume all my activities.
I still don’t think he won’t because 1) he holds grudges; 2) probably was tracking visitors to his profile, so he knows I saw it. I will be ready if Jamie contacts me.
I mentioned that 10 years ago, I was in a similar situation with somebody else, although not as devastating to me as was Jamie. After not seeing Paul for several years, I ran into him in a gay bar. We met this other guy and the three of us spent the night dancing. Shortly before closing time, Paul said something very interesting: “let’s go home.” I thought that both curious and presumptuous. I turned to Paul and said “I am going for coffee with Andre…”
This was not an act of spite on my part. I simply liked Andre. Paul had lost his charm over me. Paul and I went out several times. Paul tried to manipulate a sexual encounter — “let’s spend a weekend outside the city together…” I just wasn’t interested. Paul, a bisexual, started dating a female coworker and faded away. Andre and I are still friends and have been nothing more than friends since.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Kim;
I hope your program is going well and I very much appreciate your contributions. I am not sure if I will ever go back to social drinking due to my heart problem; however, for the foreseeable future I will remain sober.
One reason being is that part of my connection with Jamie was alcohol based and I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
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kim frederick says:
Blue. Very smart. I wish I had never started back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to find out the reason I did. Still, not sure. But I’m okay. Not off the chain,,,,,Just sort of reeling from the enormous damage done, and trying to recover from that.
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silvermoon says:
Kim.
I think that is very intersting about the 12 steps about the self centered fear. In this situation, I find it was my first response. How many of us suffered for not wanting to let go of the fantasy-
I was lucky, he left before the mask fell. Maybe it was slipping but he was always gentle and kind to me.
Until the day they hauled him out, I really didn’t understand about the other women and the other wife and the history. I’d seen and heard nothing that caused me to not believe. But others saw it.
Until he was gone, they didn’t come forward and the avalanche of information telling me the thing I loved caused me to be consumately afraid because on the one hand, I had to risk my lifetime of relationships and on the other the great love of that lifetime.
How terrible it was in the first days.
You mention finding faith and I think I found the thing that brings me closest to it which is learning how to be present and to connect with that greatness beyond who we are inside myself all day instead of once in a desperate while.
It feels that it makes all the difference.
Like the Fool who must pass through the tower under the moon there is a time when the secrets are revealed (or not) and then there is profound change. Even the tumult of these changes reflects the possibility of a new start, a clean slate for the old must give way.
Things are different now, and this place that I have grown into is a more real place. A place which can not be thrown over by surprises like have come and gone. But a place where I can not linger because the journey is lng form over…..
Best to you
the High Priestess
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Silvermoon;
Very moving and once secrets are revealed, we cannot dismiss them or explain them away. Although we never forget the “WTF?” we can move on.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Matt;
Although I am a native New Yorker and grew up locally, I only lived in the city for the past 10 years. Prior to that, I was living in Boston. Interestingly, there I had everything I want now: stability, a large circle of good friends, relationships, community service… I remember needing more “excitement.” I also felt that while the guys I dated were very nice, they just didn’t provide me a real spark, save for one, Paul, mentioned above. Little did I know that Paul may be a sociopath…
In 2000, New York City was still edgy, the bars and clubs were interesting. Early on, I met many guys, dated some, but never really found anyone I connected with. After 9-11, both the city and my situation changed.
First Guiliani, then Bloomberg, turned NYC into Disney version of its former self. New York lost its edge and was flooded with the very type of person I disconnect with the most: ex-suburban, yuppie wannabes…
Due to my jobs, I was working more and more hours. Thus, I had less and less time to meet people. Then the job pressure really increased and in 2006, for the first time in my life I went to see a psychiatrist. By 2008, I had not been in a dating situation in maybe 6 years.
Later in the year, when I went on short-term disability, my psychiatrist encouraged me to take that time to reflect on meaningful relationships and put myself in a position to meet such people. Thus, I began my short-term disability with this very goal in sight.
In one of the many bizarre aspects of my story, the first day of my short-term disability was Jamie’s birthday. The following day would set into motion all of the events which led to my meeting him.
I went up to Montreal for a concert. I have loved that city since childhood vacations. My first true romantic gay encounter occurred in Montreal and while living in Boston, I sent many long weekends there.
Instantly, I re-experienced all the things I loved about that city, most important, it still had an edge. I extended my trip one day and began considering moving there. I would go to McGill University and change my career. I would learn French. Most important, I felt I could meet the kind of guy I was looking for, not a poseur, but somebody real.
I returned to New York and started feeling down. When I went out, I saw nobody to whom I was attracted. When I did meet people, they were all the same pretentious, superficial and shallow people I loathe.
One Thursday night, I took a ride up to Montreal just to go to my favorite club, Parking. That night, in one club, I saw more attractive and truly chic guys then in all the New York bars and clubs combined. I met one of them. We really hit it off in a way that I never connected with anyone in New York.
Thus, I began I long-distance relationship with a guy in Montreal. I will spare the details, but needless to say, this was not going to work out. Initially, I was very, very upset. However, I took the time to reflect, not only on why this relationship was wrong, but the good aspects as well. Most important, I regained the desire to have a meaningful relationship, something I had given up on.
On the last Saturday on my short-term disability, I reflected on those last three months. I was relaxed and no longer depressed. I was sad my relationship did not last, but happy I had finally found somebody with whom I had a connection.
I thought about many things. Not meeting people drunk in seedy bars. Not rushing into sex. Taking time to know somebody.
As Saturday night turned to Sunday morning, I was in a cab heading to a club to meet a friend. I remember thinking that I had one day left before having to return to work with everything accomplished except the meaningful relationship. Minutes later, I met Jamie.
I am finally back to the same position I was in that day. I am sad, but no longer depressed. Fortunately, all the days of the past 1.5 years have not been dark. I met many nice people. I met honest people, including those up-front honest about their HIV status. I also learned again what a relationship is like when you meet a normal, available person.
Since coming back from Europe last November, I have dated nobody. I have abstained from alcohol and sex. I have focused on physical and emotional recovery. I am aware of all the reasons why I never seem to met people in New York for meaningful relationships.
With this knowledge, I am giving myself until the end of the year. If I have not met meaningful people by then, I will move elsewhere. While born here, I do not have the attitude that New York is the greatest city in the world, a place where you must to be to prove you are somebody.
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sherry winter says:
I can not tell you how many times I’ve been asked this question… “Why is it taking you so long to get over this?” It’s hard to get people to understand unless they have been a victim in the past themselves.
I know I did not love my ex-sociopath; I only loved who he pretended to be. I know that he was NOT the person I thought I wanted to spend my life with, he was just pretending to be what I told him in confidence I wanted in a man… that is all. I don’t miss him, and the only time I dream of him, I am fighting with him, or running from him. No loss of love here for the jerk.
That being said, it’s been almost two years to the day that he hung up on me while picking up his mistress/girlfriend for his 3rd vacation in two years. He had sworn for 2 yrs she was just a friend. He had quite convincing anger fits when he talked about his ex-wife accusing him of having an affair with the woman, when she wasn’t even dating material. Well, she might not have been dating material, but he’d had an affair with her for 5 yrs, “he’d tried for 7 yrs, but it took him 2 yrs to convince her he really wanted to get divorced.”
So why do I care? Not because of what I lost in my relationship with HIM, he was a crummy boyfriend and an even WORSE lover! What I lost was myself. I lost my trust, my belief in love, and faith, and god. I lost a marriage to my ex husband that should have never ended because of the sociopaths manipulation and mind games. And after the jerk finally let me go and I started dating someone else… he ended that relationship for me too.
I’m remarried now, and THANK GOD, I was never married to the sociopath, but there’s still so much emotional damage because of him. One of the hardest daily challenges is that I am forced to go to work where he is in a position of power and honor. I am constantly reminded that there is NO PROOF that he has done any of the things I’ve accused him of, and when I try to provide proof, I am told not only that they can not accept my evidence, but that it is inappropriate to say anything at all!
For 1 and 1/2 yrs of the two year relationship I tried to break up with my sociopath on and off, because he always seemed to be trying to hide the fact that we were a couple. When I would tell him such things, he’d say I was imagining it, and that he was just private. Now at work, I have to deal with a manager and even ex-friends who tell me on a regular basis I have no reason to be afraid or angry at this man because not only was his abuse all in my mind, the RELATIONSHIP was also imagined!
My ex got remarried on the rebound from me, and the only reason he can stay married to the woman he fights with all the time, is he only spends a half dozen days with her a month. I feel responsible for that, even though I know I was manipulated into the relationship and the divorce.
My new husband has to deal with total, “screaming… crying… hyperventilating…” panic attacks even 2 yrs after the break up, because of the office bullying the ex sociopath sends my way. He literally can insult me, and set me into a panic, “fight or flight” with his attacks on me, and people standing around only see how I respond, and swear he’s done nothing to me. His verbal attacks of, “get out of here… she can’t even hold her water,” and other humiliating comments are brushed away by others, simply because he faces another person when he says them to me, and thus it was just him, “joking around with someone else,” and I’m told once again, I imagined the whole thing.
They say the best revenge is a life well lived… however it’s really hard to move forward when not ONLY the memories of the abusive and FICTIONAL relationship keep floating in your head, but when there is someone in your life determined to keep control of your emotions… to your detriment!
I keep hoping to find a job someplace else, but the job market is so messed up right now. Some times I feel like I am making a deal with the devil to keep my home, by working with someone who I know is a sociopath, and with people who would prefer to believe his pretty lies, over the ugly truth. At the same time, why should HE take the only thing I have left of my OLD life, my home and my job?
Why is it taking so long. Why aren’t you over this? Why are you letting something in the past, still hurt you now? It’s NOT because we don’t understand what is going on. It’s simply that the feelings of inferiority, and the lack of trust in our own judgment any more, ad to our fears of repeating the same mistake over and over and over again.
One of my most common questions to my husband is, “does that sound sane?” I’ve heard from so many people that I imagined and am still imagining the abuse, that some times I question my current view of the world, as much as the old fairytale view that got me into this trouble.
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tobehappy says:
Its The Betrayal Bond that is keeping you from moving on totally. It goes way back. I read the book, did ALL of the work in it (its a workbook) and it helped stop all of the PTSD symptoms.
I understood why I felt the way I did. Its deep rooted. I don’t want any of my x’s and I deserve better and I am totally conscious of that.
The “unconscious” part of it was the betrayal bond. For most of us…we were raised by a socio and from that experience, we are still trying to get love from an adult …and since we were put down and abused, we will tolerate abuse in our adult lives. Its learned behavior and we need to REWIRE…meaning build up our sense of self worth and stop trying to get someone that mistreats us ..to love us.
Thats the best way I can explain why it takes so long…its deep rooted and even though we don’t really want the ex’s, we want love and we were fooled again like when we were young children.
I am no longer that little girl trying to get my parents to love me. I recognize that they were f&cked up and that they were incapable of loving….because they didn’t love themselves. Its a cycle. So, I grew up without loving myself.
Now I do love and appreciate and approve of who I am as a person. And, now, the xbf is trying to get back with me. As much as I loved “who I thought he really was” at one time, I don’t want him back in my life. I deserve better.
I only feel sorry for him now. He is damaged and disordered, and as much as he hurt me over and over with his lies, HE is now missing having someone love him as I did. I gave him lots of attention, love, and sex and now he needs to find another supply. Not so easy. Women are getting wise to men like this..older women, anyway. He will have to target a younger one now that he is older. Not my problem anymore.
He did me a big favor by running when I called him on a lie and told him I just want to be friends. His ego got in the way and he zapped me in the end. He bit off his nose to spite his face. And, yes, I broke down for awhile…but I bounced back and have had nothing but good luck since I stayed away this time.
I suggest you read The Betrayal Bond.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
OMG. No two words better describe what happened to me than “betrayal-bonding.” I put much trust in Jamie that was traumatically shattered.
I will get the book.
Thanks.
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tobehappy says:
Behind blue eyes…
THAT book pretty much cured me of PTSD. I realized WHY I was so obsessed with thinking of him ….It was NOT because I loved him. I was the one who broke up with him.
Its DEFINITELY an early feeling….Once I read that book and then THE POWER OF NOW…and joined the gym…I was moving forward so fast!
I felt like a million dollars! And stronger than ever.
I started focusing on ME ME ME!
It was miraculous.
And, after reading Alice Millers articles …I actually feel sorry for these socios. They are miserable deep down. Of course, not enough to want them in my life! I want HEALTHY people in my life who are secure and happy. Insecure people will always hurt you. And, socios live on fear and run and are really angry little insecure people.
I have insecurities, but I have raised my self esteem more than ever in the last few months. I consider myself a SURVIVOR now. I WAS a victim as a child…and as an adult.
NO more……As Leona Lewis sings…..”Just want to be happy”.
And, I am.
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silvermoon says:
Hi 2b!
How’s it going??
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Matt says:
Re: “The Betrayal Bond”
This is a great book. It helped me to see that my “conditioning” to being receptive to abuse and all the other mistreatment handed down by a long string of people, culminating in my S-ex, began at the hands of a malignant N mother and S father. The problem was, after reading “The Betrayal Bond” was that I still didn’t understand how my parents were able to take such complete and total control over my life.
Control is the operative word. You have to understand how you let people control you. And let me tell you, you have to be conditioned to allow people to control you. To figure out how that happened, and in my opinion it can often be traced to our upbringing, I recommend “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. In the book he breaks down the kinds of control parents can exercise over their kids. At the start of the book he asks you to answer 67 questions. I answered yes to 65 out of the 67. My parents basically exercised every kind of control over me. After that book I understood why I felt like a marionette whose strings were pulled by two martinets.
Of course, I read “Controlling Parents” way before I read “Betrayal Bond”. It was the latter book that finally helped me understand why I continued to allow myself to be abused by the people in my life.
Control leads to betrayal leads to control leads to betrayal. And on and on and on.
Bottom line, read both books. Both will help you to understand and learn to prevent what took place in your life.
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tobehappy says:
Hi Matt…
Funny, I just recommended that book to someone on another thread! Betrayal Bond is so healing. We need to understand and unravel the confusion to heal.
Once I did the exercises, it was totally enlightening to why I made the choices in who to let into my life…friends, boyfriends…husband. I was so confused before I read this book, among other feelings…hurt, angry, betrayal.
Now I just had some sadness that people don’t realize that they were abused and were victims and then they abuse their children and then the cycle goes on and on.
I’m glad I broke it by divorcing the father of my children. He was abusing me and then the children. I was not going to put my children through the abuse I lived through in my life.
Yes, they feel the neglect of him not being part of their lives, but they understand that he is disordered. I taught them about abuse and why some people make the choice to become the monster that they cannot beat.
Thank you for the book suggestion.
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tobehappy says:
Hi Silvermoon!
I’m doing great. How are you? …..
I’ve had a crazy two weeks…did my NY film documentary on my life! Watch out for it…we might air it on tv! lol!!!
My daughter has had me running to NY for auditions for film and modelling jobs. Its always an adventure.
I am back to the gym …car repair kept me away for 5 days! I’m on my special diet program in the gym and I am back to working out.
I’m still waiting to go into mediation with my house and hopefully I will be able to stay here.
I’m still in therapy, individual and group and reading alot about life and people and spiritual books too. I learned to meditate and its helping alot.
I did get a trigger … a text from the xbf. He sent me one on April 18 and now one last Friday….
He said “OMG I still miss you and love you so much and I am so sorry”
I had some different reactions to this…
First..shock.
Then, sadness….feeling love for him and that he is stupid to screw things up.
Then anger….even though I was the one who ended it…he zapped me in the end.
I didn’t respond, because it would open up communication. But, I did answer him in my head for a few days…asking questions….telling him off…..etc…
I am not ready to speak with him and I feel that he doesn’t deserve me in his life..not even a text …after how he treated me. I don’t want to deal with disordered people anymore. No matter what I text him…it will make him happy to get my attention and I don’t think he deserves a wonderful woman like me in his life!!!!
So, I’m taking care of ME. If he died, I’d live on….and find a healthy person to love and to love me…eventually.
Right now I am bettering myself in any way that I could. Exercise is the best!!! I’m addicted to my gym!!!
Lots of nice people there too!
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silvermoon says:
YAY YOU!
I’m working my *.* off and getting ready to move and, and and looking for any one of a half dozen possible miracles with the company I’m helping to start.
Looks like my insult will complete its legal process before mid summer. Goodness its slow.
Power Of NOW is AWESOME, so is Betrayal Bond. And so is just bein’ here.
Glad things are well with you:)
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