16 Comments to “Book Review: The Betrayal Bond”

1. Fighter says:

   I read this book about 3 years ago and loved it. I recommend it to all the survivors on our blog and those I encounter in person.

   Another one to recommend to you Dr. Leedom – EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox

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   Friday, 27 April 2007 @ 11:44pm

2. Liane Leedom, M.D. says:

   Thanks for that Fighter!

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   Saturday, 28 April 2007 @ 8:30am

3. amr says:

   I just finished today Ann Rule’s true crime book “Dead by Sunset”. It was really enlightening to see the amazing similarities between “my” psychopath and the one in the book. (Though thankfully, as far as I know, mine has never killed anyone!) What was fascinating was seeing the same weird blend of clever calculating ruthlessness and idiotic delusional naivete.
   I’ll add the Carnes book to my Amazon wishlist!

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   Sunday, 29 April 2007 @ 8:24am

4. justabouthealed says:

   I agree, this is a wonderful book. I read a TON of self-help books, books on narcissism, psychopathy, etc., co-dependency, etc. The two that absolutely helped me the most were #1 The Betrayal Bond….I still reread it all the time, and get more from each reading, and then EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox was very confirming for me. Also, just for straight, non-victim blaiming, I liked Keith Campbell’s book, When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself….great if you are dealing with a narcissist in a romantic relationship or got hurt. Explains the difference very clearly and simply between the normal course of a romantic relationship and the course of a “relationship” (if you can call it one) with a narcissist. But again, Betrayal Bond is best, and for encounters with psychopaths and more than just romantic relationships. Everytime I feel baffled about what I’m feeling, I go back to that book.

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   Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 11:07am

5. OxDrover says:

   I just ordered that book last Friday off Amazon, with shipping it is about $9 for a used copy. As a book-a-holic, I am sure that I will add this copy to my permanent libarary of reference materials along with Without Conscience. (which is so underlined and high lighted it nearly glows!)

   I am anxious to get started reading it. From the excerpts I have read, I think there will be a lot of “Ah ha” moments in it for me.

   Thanks, Dr. Leedom for this review.

   Justabouthealed, whiy don’tyou do a book review of The Dr. Mike Fox book for us?

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   Monday, 15 December 2008 @ 12:02pm

6. DancingWarrior says:

   To assess my own situation:
   1.A clear track record of non-abusing behavior (I add 6-12 months).
   Separated 2 years during which he exhibtted rage, demeaning, and hostile behavior many times.

   2.A verifiable commitment to therapy and to 12- Step Group attendance.
   Started his therapy in April, but I don’t think he is challenged to look at himself truthfully. I don’t see change in his behavior as a result.

   3.A coordinated effort of joint therapy involving both partners.
   No way! After TWO sessions, twice so far, he wanted to drop out blaming the therapist both times. He called them “conflict oriented therapists”. He put it as wanting “fast track” therapy to see if there is progress quicly, not a long time.

   4.An acceptance of the consequences of his/her actions.
   He makes demands on my, asks for MY support, projects anger at ME. I have not heard him honestly own up to his actions. At best there was an apology–but with feigned tears.

   5.A clear and earnest effort to make amends to all who have been hurt.
   Nope. ALways an evasion that it’s not all him. Expectation that the world (especially ME) adapt to meet his needs.

   6.An agreement for zero tolerance of old behavior.
   He does not have control of his behavior. He gets overwhelmed with anxiety, anger easily, and reaches to others to fix it. An agreement would be futile. I have seen his lack of control over himself. If there is control it is manipulative.

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   Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:10pm

7. OxDrover says:

   Dear Dancing Warrior,

   It seems that you have assessed the situation carefully and seen “the light” that there IS NO LIGHT in this man, no changes, no chance of changes, and no desire to change.

   Now it is up to YOU to ACT, for your own self preservation. Tht’s what it has come down to for all of us, our own “enlightening” moments of seeing the TRUTH. :”the truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off.” (hugs)))

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   Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 2:51pm

8. Twice Betrayed says:

   “Barriers to recovery happen because of an over dependency on the abuser in an exploitive relationship. He says victims may resist having to become independent again.”

   I question this statement. In fact, my abuser needed me far worse than I needed him. I leaned on ME because he was not there in any shape or form. He leaned on me in every way…he relied on me for all guidance, emotions, why he couldn’t even balance a checkbook w/o me doing it. I did/ran everything. He couldn’t make any decisions [except to lie, cheat and deceive which seemed to pretty much come as naturally to him as breathing]. No, after I walked out…I did not notice anything different in the way of dependence/independence except I was on one salary…which is true of any divorce. The only thing I cried and mourned over was realizing he never loved, cared or respected me when I gave my all.

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   Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 2:53pm

9. OxDrover says:

   Dear TB,

   Sweetie, that is the thing about them I think, we THINK we are doing and “giving all” and they are giving nothing, but that is the part of us that seems to think if we give to others that they will reciprocate with loving us, and that our “giving our all” will make them see how much we love them and do for them. The problem is that we are doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, ACT responsibily…I have told myself for so long I was “helping” and “giving my all” and unfortunately, I should have let them do for themselves. I should have taken care of MYSELF instead of taking care of others.

   It is a difficult road to see people we love “fail” miserably, and want our “help”—but in the end, each of us must paddle their own canoes. People who love me paddle their own canoes, and I paddle mine, but we love each other because of who we are, not what we do for each other.

   I need them because I love them, not “love” them because I “need” them. SHARING is not the same as one person carrying the load for both.

   Years ago I noticed that one of my old oxen would let his pal carry most of the load and would hang back just a fraction so his mate was doing most of the work. I had to give him some “incentive” to pull his share and I did, and after that, he would every once in a while need a bit more reminding that it was a team, with two pulling. If I hadn’t noticed and given Buck some incentive, his partner would have gone on, uncomplaining, pulling 3/4 of the load. Sometimes I have found myself uncomplaining, pulling 3/4 or 7/8 of the load with some family members, but now I am pulling my fair share and no more. I expect each of my friends and family to pull their share and without contstant Reminding or “incentive”—they are adults and I don’t have to keep my foot up their back sides—I won’t do that any more or ever again. I am no longer willing to be “unequally yoked”—that is why the Bible forbid the Early Jews to yoke together a donkey and an ox, as they would not be equally yoked and it would cause pain to one of the pair since their strengths were different, temperments different and heights different.

   It does hurt to realize that someone has been letting us pull almost the entire load, but We can decide not to continue to do this and I’m proud of you for making this decision. (((hugs))))

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   Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 7:31pm

10. jelltogether says:

    Thanks for another great resource. I really was hoping to find something to read about these types of relationships. I realized reading the checklist that 1-5 were things that he could never do, in fact rather than make amends he would conciously avoid those people he knew he hurt through his behavior towards me and as for #6, well he “promised he would never behave like that again” and that was one of his biggest lies. So my math says 1+5 = Never going to change.

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    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 9:03pm

11. Twice Betrayed says:

    Ox: thanks for your last sentence of encouragement! {{hugs back!}}

    However, I guess I do not get the first part of your first sentence….

    It certainly felt real that I was giving all……! I know I was doing the giving.
    I am not a dependent person and was not so when I met him either. He feigned strength, independence and manhood. He spun the illusion of being able to be a strong male that could be my equal in strength, emotional maturity etc and it was all an illusion. I wound up carrying more and more of the weight until I bore it all. *I do see your point regarding the oxen.

    I do not find a bunch of dependent personalities on this blog…I find a bunch of very independent people with strong personalities willing to buck up [and have had to] and assume a lot of responsibility.
    It’s a common teaching in regular counseling that people [especially females] in abusive relationships are dependent personalities. I resent being labeled “dependent”. I know some very successful people both female and male that are dynamic, strong individuals that cannot withstand or buck up to the situations we have endured. Dependent…no, I do think so or agree with this label.

    I also believe a relationship consists of bearing another’s burdens at times of stress, illness etc. It’s a give and take situation that requires each to pull for the other at times but the main goal is to keep the relationship solid and together. I am willing to stand for that but that’s not the case with these disordered people…it’s all about what’s in it for them. This leaves us with a bitter taste when we finally throw in the towel and walk. We did give our all and they took it!

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    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 9:22pm

12. geminigirl says:

    Ive said for years that I have the perfect ‘give and take ” relationship with my 2 spath daughters,–I give, and they take!
    It hurts a lot when you finally realise they are NEVER going to change and that will be the pattern of the relationshit{love it!} for ever! WE have to decide to walk, before they bleed us dry, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially for EVER.
    {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XXWhy do thy do it? because they can, and because this is what spaths do.

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    Thursday, 4 February 2010 @ 10:08pm

13. OxDrover says:

    Dear TB,

    The “enabling” starts out “slow” and we pick up one responsibility of theirs and then another and then another, and pretty soon, we are bearing the entire load.

    No, “victims” are not always “dependent” in the sense that theyy don’t bear their share of the burden, but sometimes we are “subservient” to their demands. They have trouble getting and keeping a job, so we work two. They have problems with this or that and we “fix” it (or try to) and when it doesn’t work out to suit them, they BLAME US for the outcome.

    Unlike the oxen, we start to resent carrying more than our share when we wise up and sometimes we rebel, but in the end, unless we realize what we are doing, we go back to the old pattern. We put OUR needs on “hold” while we take care of their needs—needs that they should be doing for themselves.

    Whether it is going their bail bond over and over when they get caught with drugs, or buying them a new car when they wrecked the last one, high on drugs, etc. we are taking responsibility for their needs, and assuming the consequences for their POOR CHOICES.

    We find some “justification” for the pickles they get themselves in and we trivalize their bad choices, bad behavior etc. and call it “helping” and “being supportive of the one I love” but in the end,, we have to realize we have not been wise in our own choices, because we have given and given and given and GIVEN until we are empty and they have taken and taken and taken and not only have no gratitude, but are positively livid at how badly we have “let them down.” LOL

    Last summer I realized that I am way too giving, and don’t expect enough out of those I love, and I’ve been learning to set boundaries and not worry so much about “hurting” someone’s feelings by expecting them to take responsibility for themselves, be truthful and honest, to keep their committments. I am no longer falling for the “pity play” when people don’t keep their committments or even make an effort to do so, and when they start with the “poor me” cries, and why they can’t/won’t keep their committments because of this or that disability and then slam me when I say, “what does THAT have to do with you keeping your committment?”

    I no longer fall for the pity and feel guilty because THEY make poor choices. Last month when my son C lied to me, and I caught him, I was devestated and tremendously HURT because I had started to TRUST him 100% —but in spite of the fact that it broke my heart, I asked him to leave m,y relationship is over with him and unless there is business to accomplish, our emotional relationship is over, and done with unless HE makes some significant changes and takes responsibility for his choices. There will not be a mommie to open her door even if he is living on the street. He may have come home like the story of the Prodigal son in the Bible, but aflter he “GOT COMFORTABLE” HERE, He fell back into dysfunctional patterns in his behavior and rather than “man up” and be up front, discussing it with me, he chose to go behind my back, hope I wouldn’t find out, but was ready with a lie when I did find out.

    In Mary Jo Buttafico’s book, her yhoung adult son was out of a job when Joey’s chop shop was shut down after Joey got arrested and sent to jail. So her son had no job and was living with a friend (couch surfing) and Mary Jo’s new husband would have offered him a job, but she said “no” he needs to work it out on his own. Her son did work it out on his own.

    After I left working in poduction and post production with films, I went to LA, California and got an entgry level lab in a motion picture film printing factory, and over about 4 years worked myself up to a pretty high paying union job, and also worked non-union for smaller companies, editing film and sound. I enjoyed my work and I was good at it. I had some friends out there that helped me find jobs, apartments, transportation and get myself set up to live. I got married and had my two sons close together, settled down a surbaban mother of two topoddler children . IN 1972, my husband and I and the kids moved back to Arkansas near my parents and grandparents—-settling down and I worked as church secterary for a couple of years, then ran a large fish farm
    bought a victorian house to redo ourselves and became little “oxy homemaker” in the small town. My husband was not a “bad” man, he just had some “problems” that I couldn’t deal with (gambling and alcohol) So we had a very quiet divorce without any problems and two years later he gave written permission for my new husband to adopt my sons, which he did. It also let him stop paying child suppor.

    My husband adopted my sons and was las close to a perfect father as I think any man couol have been, he was a mentor in every way. Neither of us wantged any more children so he chose to have a vicectomy and from that day onward, his parents set out to break us up. It was painful for me, but it succeeded and the boys and I went our way, me back to college for my Registered Nurse Practitioner degree and certification.

    Seven years later, I married my late husband. A man I had known since I was a teenager. He had known my kids since they were little and liked my kids as if they were his own.l

    Together, we adopted “our” son, D as the “child of our old age” and he just became part of our family and we both loved him as much as if he was b orn to us.

    I literally think that God gave me son D to replace the ones I lost. Sometimes we are like two one-legged men, having to hold on to stand up right, but I can give my “all” to D and I receive in return HIS all as well.

    On the subjects of “betrayal bonds” or “trauma” bonds, I noticed several years agoo that the people you are in some kind of trauma with you seem more closet to than those that you have only experienced “good timess” with.

    My best friend that I just visited with—I met them at a traumatic time for their familoy and son, he was rendered a quadrapalegic in an accident, I was the nursing supervisor, I spent a great deal of time with the kid (he was 15 then) and got to close to him and his family.Thenn my kids met him and they were all about the same age and ingterested in compute4rs. Both parents were working full time and trying to take care of their son at home, who needed total care.

    ON weekends they wouod bring him to my house to visit with my sons and let them have some private time together. My boys would do the heavy transfers out of the wheel chair into othe bed, and then back, and I taught them how he needed to be cared for and they did a good job and enjoyed his company.

    Since that time, even though I moved away only a couple of years after I met her, we kept in touch by phone and letter and would visit each other for from 1-4 weeks every year. When one needs help, the other one loads ujp and comes—no questions just comes. She was herefor me at the time of my husband’s death, the death of my step-father, and always there if I just need to talk or need a place to hide out.

    She knows my whole life story, she’s seen me at my best and seen me at my worst and she sttill loves me…now THAT’s a friend!

    She and I have been through some hard times on the parts of each other, and I imagine we willl again, but we are bonded by those events. I think much more strongly bonded than we would have been if we had onlhy gone through “good” times with each other.

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    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 12:11am

14. midlifecrisis says:

    Oxy research bears out your theory about experiencing trauma with others and then being bonded to them. For the research people were sent over a precarious swing bridge – some were sent alone and some with a companion – those with the companion were much more strongly bonded to them when the bridge appeared to ’snap’ – in fact lots of the people stayed in touch after the experiments.

    I have always thought this is also something that keeps us bonded to the Ps – they create trauma then the illusion of going through it with us so our bond to them gets stronger as ’something we weathered together and weren’t beaten by’. The memory then goes into the sentimentality file – and women who love psychos are known for being huge on sentimentality.

    Similar no doubt to the betrayal bond thesis – must read that book! Have heard so many good things about it

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    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 9:25am

15. Twice Betrayed says:

    Oxy: what great friends you both are to each other! Thanks for sharing your story!

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    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:08pm

16. Twice Betrayed says:

    I have a friend that is a very strong independent woman-makes her own living as an executive buyer for a large upscale boutique chain. Travels alone, owns her own home …etc. She met what I consider to be a P ten years ago and married him. Now, this is something I have noticed and have been victim to myself as well in these males….he is very good looking with a strong masculine presence and high sexuality [she told me]. I see a good number of these males are square jawed and handsome. Something to consider…and interesting to note. I suppose evolution would support this is the alpha male- so to speak. As females we are drawn to the strong, manly provider/protector and these P males seem to ooze these traits….the key to that is ’seem’. With their high sexuality we get hooked for sure. Well, my friend got tangled up with this guy and he took a powder several years ago-left his good job and started driving a cross country truck!–or so he said. After not coming home but twice in two years he finally surfaced admitting [after being busted by this friend's son at a local dept store] he has a GF and a son by her. My friend is just broken beyond words. She had a melt down in her store with me several days ago confiding this to me. I listened and offered her some help via this website and information–however, she is not open at this time of heavy grief and all she can focus on is; she loves him and that seems to be ruling her line of thought. I am terrified she is going to tolerate his having them both…along with the kid..which is what he said he wanted!! As I was leaving, she did say she was seeking legal advice from a local attorney. Have you bloggers any advice to offer for me to be able to reach her, at this time, regarding the toxic relationship she is snared in? Thanks!

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    Friday, 5 February 2010 @ 1:24pm

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