Sociopaths: breaking hearts for fun and power
PDF Lovefraud recently heard from a woman in England; we’ll call her Suzie. Suzie met a man on LargeFriends.com who said his name was Mike. Mike lived in Oregon, which was 5,000 miles away. Yet they quickly developed a rapport, and within weeks Mike was sending Suzie cards, e-cards, e-mails, drawings and stories written just for her. About a month after they first made contact, Mike declared his love for Suzie—even though they had never met.
They exchanged their phone numbers and addresses. They talked on the phone for hours and bought webcams so they could see each other. Mike told Suzie he abhorred infidelity, which was the reason why he wasn’t married at age 45—he intended to marry only once. Here’s what happened next, according to Suzie:
On the OK Cupid website he declared his love for me openly, his “special golden angel.” He sent me erotic stories and poems and told me how much he was looking forward to meeting me, to making love to me for the rest of our lives, how he had searched for 20 years for his “soul mate” and finally found me. He even asked me to marry him. I said I couldn’t answer that until we had met. So we decided it was time for us to meet, and he suggested that he come and visit me at Christmas.
So we carried on chatting for hours daily, e-mails, etc., until three days before he was due to arrive, at which point he announced that he had a problem—that he had been selected for jury service, and that he was trying to get out of it so it wouldn’t affect his visit. He then showed me a beautiful gold locket he had brought me for Christmas and hinted that he had also purchased a matching engagement ring. We finished the conversation with him promising that nothing would stop him from coming to England to see me and he asked would I prefer to honeymoon in Europe or Hawaii—and money wasn’t an issue.
Frantic with worry
Then Suzie heard nothing from Mike for two days. She was frantic with worry and finally received an e-mail—supposedly from Mike’s mother—saying that Mike had been wrongfully arrested for refusing jury duty. But Mike said he would rebook his flight, and they found one that would put him in England on Christmas morning.
On Christmas morning, Suzie drove two hours to the airport to meet Mike. He didn’t show up.
Again frantic with worry, Suzie called the UK police, who couldn’t do anything because Mike never arrived. They suggested she contact the Oregon police. But when Suzie tried to locate Mike in the telephone directory, he didn’t exist. The address he had given her belonged to someone named John. Suzy realized Mike wasn’t Mike; he was John. She sent him a furious e-mail—he was outed.
Another chance
John apologized profusely. He said he had expected to be only pen pals but had fallen in love with Suzie. He didn’t know how to tell her the truth about his identity. John begged for forgiveness.
Suzie decided to give him another chance. Slowly their relationship recovered. Again, John said he would visit her, and come hell or high water, he would be there. Here’s what happened next:
On March 8th I set off for the same airport and guess what? He didn’t turn up again. This time, though, when I tried to e-mail it was deleted, as was his web page and he wasn’t answering his phone. Additionally the e-mail address for his mom and dad was also deleted, so I knew he didn’t want to be found. This made me really angry so I started surfing the web to see if he was to be found elsewhere.
That’s when I found him on another eight dating sites (there could still be more), on all of which he had a “special angel,” “a soul mate I have waited a lifetime for,” “a Betty Boop girl.” Each one was a nice lady, a little lonely perhaps, who was convinced she was the only one in his life.
I found out that the letters and drawings I treasured had been sent to other women. Funny stories and photos I had sent him had been recycled round his harem. Even a drawing I had done for him had been given to someone else. Additionally we all had copies of the same photos of him growing up as a young boy and when he was in the USAF. I also found a site, which he appeared to have abandoned, on which a lady from the Phillipines has added a message asking why he had stopped contacting her that suggested she had bought her wedding dress!
Suzie has not spoken to the guy since discovering his game.
Why did he do it?
Suzie points out that Mike/John never asked her for money. The only thing he asked for was post cards from places she visited through her job. So why did he lead her on? Why did he lead all the women on?
For fun and power.
As Dr. Liane Leedom points out in “How did he really feel?” and “What did he want from me?” sociopaths are in relationships for sex and power. That’s all.
Stringing along several women at the same time—which is easy to do on the Internet—Mike/John had multiple feelings of power. Maybe it even made him feel aroused.
Plus, sociopaths simply enjoy deceiving people. In Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, a psychopath (the term Dr. Hare uses) is asked why he lies. The answer: “Because it’s fun.”
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
zeus71700 says:
Sociopaths Suck!!!! So do police that refuse to do their jobs.
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movingon says:
I’m in Oregon, and I’m on a singles site. I would love to know more about this guy and be happy to out him if I find him. I could at least get him banned from one more site. Especially since he uses some of the same tactics as my X.
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Fighter says:
A comment on this article came in on my site from Europe:
Even if they fly to meet you, it DOESN’T mean anything. If you read about Nathan Thomas, exposed on cyberpaths.blogspot.com, you’ll see how this man, met his target SEVERAL/LOTS of times on her own country, keeping this
game up for 3 years. The difference it’s just he had the money to make it happen.
This Mike/John would fly to England if he had the chance to do
so: MONEY and probably NOT a wife at home. Let’s say even if he had the money, he probably would have no excuse to tell his wife, explaining a trip to the other side of the ocean, especially on Christmas Day.
If you are on a situation they say they will fly to meet you, PLEASE ask for the ticket code, the flight company and flight #. Go to the company’s website (or local airports website) and check carefully if that flight exists. You should try to know if a person with the name they have provided is on the passenger’s list for that same flight too.
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avengingangel9 says:
movingon -please contact me on email address avenging_angel9@hotmail.co.uk and I will give you the extra info. “Suzie”
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CARINYOSA says:
ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT THESE KIND OF PEOPLE …AFTER BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A SOCIOPATH FOR 11 YEARS AND ONLY RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT HE WAS DISORDERED….IS ‘GET A LIFE’..THE SAD THING IS THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM.
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tammyreel says:
Ahhh the sweet feeling of freedom from my Sociopath. It took great changes to have this feeling, yet I still keep in my mind that he will seek me out once again. Currently he does not know where I am, but understand that he will find me no doubt. The internet was definately a tool for mine, but mine actually showed up at my door as my bug man. I still am not sure if he originally found me on Match.com as someone else, then planned the rest out, or it was just coincidental. I new from the start something was not right, yet I continued to trust his words of empty promises. I managed to do research all throughout the relationship, which should have been my own clue that it was not right. I was desperate for the attention and wanted so badly to believe he meant what he said. In the end, it truly was over money and power and I was left to pick up the pieces. I still struggle financially after allowing him to destroy and spend all I had, but I feel good and have my self worth back. Good luck to all of you. It’s a tough road, but their is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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carrolls says:
My relationship ended very nastily, he accused me os stalking him but at this stage I wanted him dead, he had hurt me so much, and then swaned off with his landlady and was madly in love with her within weeks of us parting……..eh hello??
I went after him to show him what stalking meant, he threatened me with legal action for harrassement. 18 months later I am still waiting to hear from him regarding same…what an asshole??
Do you think we would ever try to contact me again??? I have heard they always try to recycle you.??
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Liane Leedom, M.D. says:
Carrolle brings up something important that my students at thr University discussed in class yesterday. In our abnormal psychology class one of the young women discussed her first love, a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. After she described him, I became fearful for her and asked if he had ever assaulted her physically. She said, “No, I hit him!”
The contradiction between the intense bond with the sociopath and his rejecting behavior can be a challenge to reason and impulse control. It is very important for vistims to understand the principles of impulse control so they can use their minds to get out and heal rather than stay in and battle.
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copdoc says:
Resisting a psychopath is not easy because they are frequently charming, fun, witty, intelligent, attentive and attractive. Also, chemistry may not be on our side. Since we are not perfect creatures, we were given a chemical to mask our new love interest’s faults. Researcher Dr. Robert Friar assures us this is true, “Falling in love involves phenylethylamine, or PEA which causes a person to be less likely to be aware of the faults of the other person.” Ask yourself if you would you fall in love with someone who throws his underwear on the floor if you were not highly inebriated by amour? Serotonin and dopamine, two mood neurochemicals, create much of the decidedly pleasurable love intoxication that overwhelms us.
Therefore, falling in love is risky, even when your lover is not a psychopath. Go very, very slowly in new relationships and remind yourself, you are intoxicated.
Dr. Dorothy McCoy
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janefauq says:
I agree, Dr. McCoy. It was like being on a permanent high when we were together. I made excuses for him initially – he did not even have to make them himself. I was caught up in the intensity of the emotions I felt and that I thought were mirrored in him.
But it turned out to be one experience that I could have done without- and that is an understatement.
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happynow says:
Ex Boyfriend asks for money (5 ladies that I know of)
Hi there!
My experience:
I am a 38 old professional, good looking, nice, moral values, honest and transparent; I have a great credit score, no debt, etc.
Date No 1: I offered 20 dlls to put gas in his car; his card wasn’t going through and had no cash. Never paid back. Red flag.
3 months into the Rel. he asks for 100 dlls, he pays back a week later or so.
5 months: he asks for 575 dlls; when confronted, he gets mad, he doesn’t pay back
Then, he asks for 600.00 dlls, he begs, he offers to pay back in payments, he doesn’t pay back.
Then, he asks for another 575, he doesn’t pay back.
Poor financial situation for him, so I didn’t hesitate and did a *good* act because I loved him and believed him.
He tells me he has to fly out of state because someone is offering a very good business deal that it seemed very attractive but because he doesn’t have money, he asks me to pay for the flight (my credit card), I pay for it. A few days later I found out that he was going to visit for the first time, a lady he met online 2 years ago prior to our romance. I confront him, he decides to cancel the trip because *he loves me*. He doesn’t pay back.
During all these months, I started to get suspicious because he was spending so much time online, he even went to the extent of buying a lot top (he has a desk top already), so that he could check his active profiles and chat with the online ladies and *emotional lovers*.
He would take breaks after breaks at work to check his messages (mind you, he is in a complete financial chaos and went to buy a new 1200 lap top-credit, of course-.
When came to my house after work, he would go directly to the computer and chat like crazy (emotional distance).
I inserted a key logger inside my computer and, this is what I found out:
Active only dating profiles, corresponding with ladies and being flirty; talking about meeting, etc; corresponding with ex lovers and telling them *I miss you*. Visited 2 ex’s while dating me; paid for a hotel room.
Found out that he met other 2 ladies and asked them for money, he didn’t paid. They were sending him aggressive emails asking for the money, he behaved aggressive towards them and basically, telling them * I don’t have any money I will pay you back when I can and stop bothering me I don’t want to ever see you again).
I am, from what I know of, the 3rd lady who gave him money.
He met a few ladies (real life) and visited them for months and months behind my back, HE knew these ladies were after him and this did not stopped him from reinforcing their behavior, he is sick. One lady gave him 600 dlls; I talked to her over the phone, she told me that he liked her, that he wanted to marry her someday, etc. total narcissist
Mind you, this is the physical stuff; forget about the emotional distance and abusive emotional behavior. Very charming on a superficial level, handsome, etc.
He believes that online flirting when having an exclusive gf/bf Rel is not a bad thing, they are just friends.
Now, he accepts the confrontation but again, only on a superficial level.
I ran out of savings because of him, broke up with him, it was just too much.
He said he will pay me by the end of summer. He is going to deposit *some* money into my Acc. Next Saturday.
Good thing that I have proof of the online transfers to his Acc. Went to a lawyer yesterday and I do have a case! I just have to wait until next Saturday, if he deposits, he is virtually *accepting* the loan. If he doesn’t deposit, we write a certified letter and ask him to pay everything by sept and if not, see you in *small claims*!!!
So, I have to get some justice; 2000.00 dlls is just too much, let alone the *heart and feelings* value of what he did to me.
Thanks for listening
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hannah1922 says:
My heart breaks for all the sad stories, pain, anguish, misery, lives destroyed at the hands of sociopaths. I, too, had an experience long ago with one, way before there was an internet; way before there was the kind of support, resources and knowledge so readily available. Ultimately, I walked away from the lies, pathology and drama and eventually married a wonderful man–with whom I still share my happy life. I would be lying if I said I never once think about my sick, long lost love—I do. I sometimes wonder about him, and every once in a while I even hear from him. But his sticky black hold on me was dissolved long ago. Once he realized that, I stopped hearing from him.
I know some people may take exception to what I am going to write next, but posts like “Breaking Hearts for Fun and Power” beg the question: at what point does one take responsibility for their own poor decisions? I hate this cliche, but the multiple “red flags” were not only flapping in the wind, but lined up like a dancing fire in the sky. How does one “fall in love” with someone one has never even sat across a table from? Is sending a stranger “erotic poems” without a personal meeting ever taking place appropriate, or even normal? How does one believe they are his or her “soul mate” after a couple (hell, even dozens) of frenzied emails or treacly phone calls? When stood up at an airport, when caught in a bold-faced lie about his actual *identity*, wouldn’t anyone with a modicum of self concern and common sense run in the other direction as fast as their legs could carry them?
Granted, sociopaths are wonderfully adept at manipulation and control, and some are masters—I understand their power and skill. But by God, this guy was hardly masterful in his tale-telling. Some lies, like his, are Windex-transparent and it amazes me that a second chance could be even entertained in situations like these. I can understand falling prey when the lies, domination and manipulation are stunningly clever, well-executed and credible. Or when it’s after marriage and the soulless shell is revealed for the empty cavern it is. Most people would have stopped the charade after that first obvious lie, after being stood up at the airport, and certainly *immediately* after learning “Mike” was “John.”
I wonder how much time is wasted in therapy talking about the “s” when, in reality, the discussion should focus on why the bullshit meter was ignored, or never even went off.
I wish you healing and peace, and someone worthy of your love. I hope that you lose the desire to even string together a sentence about him. These mutants have wasted enough of our time, no?
Hannah
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eliza says:
Yes thank GOD there is a story like this on here. I was starting to think maybe I was crazy, overreacting or something, because my S never really tried to take much material from me. ALL sex and head games. And I think more about the head games, the sex was a means to an end. I am just left feeling raped, because I would never have slept with him willingly if I had known what he was.
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