How to recover from the ruin of a sociopath
PDF Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Last week, I posted correspondence from Arlene, who, after 23 years of marriage, was discarded by her husband and has lost her connections to her children. Arlene said she was so devastated that she just wanted her life to end.
Several Lovefraud readers posted comments of understanding and encouragement for Arlene. Another reader sent an e-mail, describing the steps she took to recover after she had been similarly dumped by her husband. I thought her suggestions were so helpful that I asked permission to post the e-mail, which she graciously granted.
Advice from a reader
Here it is:
Arlene…. I was where you are when I was 40. My husband who I loved and adored and truly admired, left me without warning after 12 years of marriage for another woman. All I had ever heard from anyone was what a wonderful wife I was, what a great mother I was (not only to our children, but to his two daughters). I was devastated, depressed, anxious, scared, fearful of anything and everything, and could barely function. I will not recite all the cruel things he did and said (but he did tell me “you will just have to get over it,” which is still unbelievable to me), but I will share with you how I got well.
FIRST, I went to counseling and made sure the therapist knew about the pathology involved with being a spouse of one of these evil creatures. Even when it seemed to do little good, I kept going and going and eventually, it did help. I sought the help of my doctor, took antidepressants for six months and stayed on Xanax for about a year for the anxiety. The medications were a bridge to emotional healing and stability.
Next, I volunteered wherever and whenever I was needed. I know that may sound impossible to do (and believe me I did NOT want to do it), but the more I volunteered, the more I forgot about my own issues and I slowly developed a grateful heart for what I DID still have. I worked at church, in my neighborhood, as a pro bono attorney, at my children’s schools and a domestic abuse hotline. I still now do all that volunteer work and would not stop for anything.
I counseled with my priest. I was taught how to forgive (and yes, it is a VERY long process and I am still working on it) and finally understood that in forgiving HIM, I was healing ME. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God to bring me peace and to let me know how much he loved me and he did.
Let me also say…. I did some stupid things early on…I drank too much alcohol (I was self medicating and was depressed and did not KNOW I was depressed as I never had been before). I dated too early as I was so lonely, I DENIED that I was hurt and I did not let myself “feel.” When I did finally “feel,” I wanted to die too. I asked God at night to just not let me wake in the morning. He had other things in store for me. Beautiful things.
I promise you, there is going to be a wonderful life for you after the devastation this man caused. You are NOT the problem, he WAS. WAS is the key word here. Take a class, get a job doing ANYTHING if you don’t work already…. do yoga (that helped me too!) and stay active. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you LOVE YOU, you are perfect the way you are (and you are, I assure you) and that you ARE LOVED and that you are worthy of love.
I survived and you will too. My very best, stay sweet, stay loving and start with little steps towards the best life you are going to ever have experienced!
What works for you?
We all have our own paths towards healing. Mine involved a good therapist and allowing myself to feel the pain. By feeling it, I was eventually free of it. I was also in contact with at least one of the other women that my ex-husband scammed, and eventually more of them. It was helpful to know that I was not alone.
Have you recovered from a run-in with a sociopath? Or are you on the road to recovery? Please post a comment describing what helps your healing.
Those of us who have been there are the “wounded healers.” Our experience can aid those who are just beginning the recovery process.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
southernman429 says:
Thanks for sharing your advice for recovery. I found it to be food for the soul as I read through it. I too pray continuously for both myself and my recovery, and for her, my sociopath. As with most here, the forgiving is by far the hardest part of this recovery. Just when I begin to think I have forgiven both her and myself, there will be a trigger of some sort, and I find myself once again angry over the loss of myself and the loss of what should have been and what could have been had she been healthy. I do realize that God did in fact place her into my life for many reasons, one of which was to make me stronger, and wiser. I truly feel that after losing a wife to cancer, and going through a relationship with a sociopath, I know that I can just about handle anything that comes my way. This past year has been quite a eye opening experience, and I can honestly say that it has been a year of deep hurt and disappointment, and in many ways it has been of a greater pain then losing my wife to death, but on the flip side of the coin, it has been one of the most wonderful years of my life. In my pain, I ran into the arms of Christ and became a Christian. This is one of the reasons He allowed the sociopath to enter in my life. I also became very much more aware of old patterns of behavior concerning my expectations in relationships both with friends and romantic. I can spot a disturbed person so much more easily now, and my tolerance to unacceptable behavior is extremely low. After months of battling low self esteem due to the fact that a disturbed woman dumped ME.. ha.. I have come back into my own, and once again know and feel and see the wonderful gifts that I always did possess, and believe them to be my own, and never will simply “give” them away to someone who does not cherish them and me. I have met many new friends through my church, and with community volunteer programs which I have attended. Yes, I agree that in giving my time to those in need, shifted my focus off of me and my pain, and it allowed me to channel my pain into something positive. In fact, I have no room for negative people or negative situations in my life again. I have stripped my sociopath of her power over me and over my emotions, and look at her with a sort of sympathy, (although it’s more of a sadness for her) as she will never know the joys of love, giving, and sharing and doing into others as one would do unto themselves. Just like with my wife’s death, I am trying to grow from this ordeal, and I am. Part of that growth is realizing that I cannot “better” the past. It still is one day at a time, but I had a small victory not long ago… I went a full day without a single thought of her in my mind… That my friends, was totally amazing, and shows me that I am on my way….. Now… there are those days… when it hurts all over again,,, when I find myself wanting her back, longing for the illusion of what was.. when I hear her voice in my head saying the wonderful, and the horrible… so, I’m not out of the woods yet, but I know that I will eventually get there. When I lost my wife four years ago, I wrote about it, and it was the first of many journals that I began to write. I have continued to write since then, and of course during my time with the sociopath. I have found it to be of great help to write my thoughts and feelings down.. to get it out.. it helped me so I didn’t have to carry it with me so much. One thing that sticks with me about my writing is something I wrote when my wife died concerning grief. I wrote that it’s different for everybody, and that it’s hard work to overcome, and that you can’t rush it. Those things hold water for us.. the wounded…. of a life shared with a sociopath. But, I also wrote that I had been given a second chance at life, and had been given a new life…. that too, holds water for us as well. It has helped me when I think about my sociopath and my life with her, both the wonderful, and the horrible…… My thought is…. that was my old life… this is my new life… a second chance, or in my case my third chance.. geez.. I better get it right this time, not sure if I will be blessed with number four… thanks to all who write here and contribute to this blog. I check it everyday, and it has helped me so very much to read the words of others who have experienced this kind of pain in their lives. For many of us, our life with a disturbed partner has left a huge whole in our lives that just doesn’t make sense, even though we know the reasons now. But for all of us, life WILL go on… we will live and love and have sorrow and pain, as well as great joy and most importantly… promise.
~Rick~
Southernman 429
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arlenejohnson57 says:
Thank you for your advice…it seemed like mine…like you pray for God to take you…that is how bad it is. The isolation is what is the worst for me.
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FromtheHeart says:
I wanted to share the experience of my daughter’s relationship with a Psychopath/Sociopath. She met him on one of the less popular dating sites and when I told her that probably wasn’t the best place to meet men, she told me it was the 21st century and some of her gfs had found there partners there. The relationship started off with ims and emails then progressed to the phone, he later on bought her a cell phone so they could communicate even more. She would share things about the relationship with me and I would tell her to be careful, even though she was an adult woman in her own right. The 1st red flag was when he told her he loved her and had never met her in person. She had never been in love before so this was all new to her. They finally met (he lived a 4 hour drive from her) they weren’t really what the other expected but I guess they weren’t disappointed either. They started a ld relationship and saw each other 2 weekends a month when he did’t have his children (4). She would confide in me and ask me ?s from time to time about his behavior. To make a long story short they broke up 3 times in 3 months, the first and last her the second him. They got back together each time with the help of one of her best friends being contacted by him to ask for help in getting her back. He asked her to go on vacation with him and his 4 kids and she accepted the invite for the simple fact she hadn’t been on a vacation in years. They had a breakdown in communication where he would only im and text her on the cell. I told her that was a red flag in my book and she needed to find out why. He stated that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to her on the phone any longer because he didn’t respect him when they did. I had that mother’s intuition going on and I knew there was something not right about this guy so I hired a PI to do a background check on him. The things I found out were very alarming to me and I asked her to end her relationship with him asap. He had po and restraining orders against him and had had 4 duis in 3 different states. The PI provided me the number of the ex he had lived with, I called her and asked her about her relationship with him. The things she told me were unbelievable compared to what my daughter said about him. The week they were suppose to leave on vacation I shared this info with her. Needless to say, she was very hurt when I told her he was still in a sexual relationship with his ex wife and that she needed to go get checked for stds. She ended the relationship the night before they were suppose to leave and I told her she saved herself from who knows what. It just amazed me what these people can do to innocent people who they victimize and take captive in their sick and twisted worlds. She started therapy afterwards and decided to use hypnotherapy to forget him and the whole experience afterwards. I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone but it did her. We put it to the test over the Holidays, we asked her who she had dated in the last year and he was not mentioned. She has no recollection of that relationship and the hypnotherapy was a godsend for her and my family. Life does go on after these people tear your lives apart. You just have to take it one day at a time and be strong and don’t let them win the fight.
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linlam says:
Hi,
I read the posts here and also want to stress that it is very important to focus on YOU. Not him/her. I read incessantly, too, did a lot of journal writing, and yes, praying. It’s been nearly three years, and “it’s” still there, but the pain isn’t as debilitating. Be patient with yourself. Take ONE day at a time. And look for your life in each day that comes. Don’t panic. Don’t fear being alone, and look for strength in knowledge. And yes, therapy. On-line support groups work great, individual and group counselling, too. The full gammut. It is a tremendous undertaking, but the rewards are too many to list. It has been a wake-up call of huge proportions for me. And oh yes, finding this site was key, too. It actually helped another from becoming his next victim.
Talk, talk, write, write, get it out. And yes, I suppose, and what I have been thinking of lately is talking with a priest about evil and forgiveness. No easy task. And yes, I have those triggers, too, where the anger surfaces. It was a long time of vascillating between anger/pain, anger/pain.. but I’m finally finding some peace in-between.
Good luck. I wish I could tell you it was easy, but it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s not over. It never will be.
Build new, happy memories to replace the old, nasty ones. And work to improve you, that’s the best and only thing you can do.
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arlenejohnson57 says:
Thanks for the help…it is important to hear from others about not giving up. It is hard to focus on you sometimes especially when you are older. I am glad to hear it was three years so I don’t feel like there is really wrong with me. Sometimes it is hard to fear being along but the information that I have received helps me know I am not alone. Because sociopaths can make you feel like you have been the one in the wrong or that suddenly you woke up and you are the crazy one. That is the hardest. And it is differant in a sense that you vascillate between the anger/pain…finding the peace is the hardest. It never does sometimes to be over because you can not forget and the children. He kept me from them manipulating them and they no longer wish even to see me..brainwashed them and that is what is the hardest for they were my babies. It is more about the loss and how cruel he guides them now in making them unempathetic like I was never there. I have this huge whole in my heart that does not go away. I have tried distractions but they do not work. I am not at peace because the damage of missing my children and the events in their lives of growing and sharing with him in traditional family values was taken from me even though I did nothing. The peace I wish to find I may never find it because he broke the bonding that was strong between us. Actually he doesn’t care he just wants them as his possessions other than that the damage he has done to them changed them like the textbook read…they will by users, liars, manipulators, unempathetic to the other parents, drug use and sexual promiscuity. He took the innocence of my children and turned them into these things. He took the respect and authority of a mother away…he taught them to disrespect and devalue. My heart aches for the children I knew and not the children they are now. Time is important and money can not replace events of bonding. This was my only family. Thank you all for your comments to help and it makes me feel not alone because the stories all have the same color … so I know I am not crazy. It is not like a normal breakup it is devastating and the courts could care less.
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Fighter says:
First off, these people cause tremendous amounts of PTSD. I seriously recomment counseling, even short term. I know of places that will do it on sliding scale. Also do not be afraid of medication – short term.
People telling you to get over it, move on or let it go are not helping. It can take years, if ever. You don’t ever really let it go but it does become smaller over time and eventually you adapt and integrate it. That hole in your heart will always be there.
PTSD comes from PSYCHOLOGICAL INJURY not mental illness. These sociopaths mess with our mental stability. Unless you have been through it – you will never EVER understand it. They are hollow sick people and yes – evil.
I tell people at my site to please read up on PSYCHOLOGICAL INJURY, sociopathy, destructive narcissism, PTSD and emotional trauma.
You will not be at peace because until there is justice, there is no peace. That’s the truth and anyone who gives you platitudes doesn’t know what they are talking about.
I also recommend a great book: EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox
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carrolls says:
I was in a relationship with a sociopath. I didn’t know until it ended, when the pain subsided I began to piece it all together and I was truely shocked at my discovery. I had become very emotionally unwell, but my horror of horrors was trying to come to terms with him being “with” his landlady only weeks after we split. I had known her for over a year from spending time with him in her home, she was younger than me but I would never have put them together, and I never saw her as a threat, to me she was just his landlady and nothing more. I was horrified when I learned he was with her when I walked away from his nonsense. But now I wonder was I the one that walked away?? or was I being set up to walk, it all seemed to convenient for him.
She lives in his town, she has no children, a lovely house of her own and very gullible (country woman!!) she was also caring for her partner of 20 years her senior who had developed Parkinson’s disease. Two months after we split up she split with her partner………did I miss something here???
I was in a state of chronic depression trying to figure out how he ended up with this one and so quickly???? I couldn;t make sense of it. Two years now and I still can;t stop obsessing on how he ended up with her…I saw no signs of anything when I was with him, except she was defending him and making excuses for him when I would get angry with him or say something to him to him, she began to look to me like his mother!!!
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arlenejohnson57 says:
Dear Fighter: Thank you for your post you are right about the extreme PSTD…people tell you to get over it move. Everyone’s situation can be differant. BUt you see I was such a dedicated mother … close to my daughter’s I did everything as he was never around. So when he decided he was going to dump me and the other woman planned it with him. He took me to the cleaners…so much money spent on attorneys and I lost them anyway because they were older and convinced them to live with him with all his plans…HE IS REALLY GOOD AND SMOOTH…False allegations to the police department which they laughed at…now I have a police report filed because he has his woman sign my name to my IRS check and then used my daughter to go make the deposit in his account. I filed the police report because they have taken power over me and I must do this to show that I have been so defrauded throughout the situation. I still am not divorced BUT WOULD LIKE TO HEAR COMMENTS ON PAIN AND SUFFERING SETTLEMENTS IN PA. You see I did not have a career other than the small job I had since I raised him up in his career. Now he can have more money with the other woman and it was time to dump me and take the children which he really does not take care of anyway…he just lets everyone else do it. He has backing from his family who are just like him to attack me. Funny they never attacked me before until he decided it was time to get rid of another person who worked so hard.
YOU SEE THE TRAUMA IS SO SEVERE and you are right it might take years but even then…the connection I feel with the children is so broken…and I don’t want to live. I said that before because I look at my situation sometimes and think that there is no way out. I mean no way out for me. For I can’t even laugh anymore EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T LIKE THAT BEFORE and sincerely don’t want to be like that. The whole in my heart has been damaged to badly I am afraid. My diginity …LIKE I WAS RAPED so I know how those women feel….till some sense of justice is delivered but that still doesn’t replace the damage done ever between my children and I…THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR THAT…NO JUSTICE. I am not looking for the justice more than I am looking for what should be that was there before even though it is gone. THAT IS THE CATCH 22 position these people leave us in. I pray to GOD sometimes so hard to level him to take all his supply lines away forever placing him possibly down on his knees and only then will he manipulate the children again towards a relationship not just a relationship the MOTHERING that should be. I don’t want to live because there is no peace within in me … I can try this or that…I can go to counseling trying medication like I have but nothing SUFFICES. I turn to GOD to please put me out of my misery or bring me someone so wonderful that it makes me forget. But you see I am so damaged in all aspects of self…self esteem…money…emtotional…spiritual. I find no way out…now way out.
I CAN NOT FORGET MY FIRST LIFE…FOR I CAN NOT DENY MY CHILDREN SO THEREFORE I CAN NOT MOVE FORWARD.
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dinaboyd says:
Hi everyone,
Im new to this to this and just broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 days ago.I believe he is a sociopath or a psychopath.I always try to make excuses for him or try to forget the fact he cant have any feelings and just pretends.I read this forum and see some of the signs with him.I also told him he is a p…and some of his traits that he had i read about.He wasnt mean to me expect for when things didnt go his way.If he had to get violent he did.He sometimes told me i was getting big (because he made me stop smoking).I gained some weight.I never showed him some of his comments bothered me.I just came back with a bad comment to him.He told me my pride was big..being from NJ he said Jersey people have to much pride.
We broke up before and he said i would be craving for his love.He was absolutely right.I did…i felt almost like dieing i was so hurt.Finally,we got back together and same old things happened.When it comes to spending a penny on me he has a fit.He recently moved to SC for a job and I’m here in PA.He wanted me to fly down and see him this weekend,i was going to until my friend brought it to my attention it wasnt right i was paying for the ticket.I asked him for 1/2 of the ticket and he had a fit.I stuck to my guns and told him i couldnt afford it.He finally offered me 100 toward the ticket which was 240.00.
Everything was going good until he had a 15 minute break and never called me because he did not want to use his cell phone minutes.I wrote him a email and told him if i wasnt worth the few mintues on his cell phone then he wasnt worth the 240 to me.I told him not to call my home or i would be changing my telephone number.He wont anyway,he is too involved with his new carreer and new life.I just hope that the recovery time for healing isnt to long.I also wonder if the heart aches get worse before they get better?He wrote me a email and told me good luck with who ever i end up with,and thanked me.I have no clue why he thanked me.I responded to him just to let him know after all this is over with that whom ever i shall to decide to be with will be a totally new love for me.His wont, his relationship will be the same old record being replayed with the same lines of bs..same gifts..same sex..same everthing.He is such a sweet talker and charmer.It drives me crazy when we get in front of respectful people he tries to act so so smart.His vocabualry is very good,and he uses that towards me when we argue.He tries to make me think and feel he is the smarter one and the one who is thinking logically.This last time i told him save all his fancy bull shit talk for someone who really gives a crap what he has to say.I feel so rude for being this way.But i have to be strong.I have to show him he isnt going to get the best of me.I felt like calling him so so bad!i get these bad cravings where i want to call him and make up with him.I fight so hard not to do it.All my friends and family hate him and dont want me with him.There is a big age difference between us and they tell me im missing out on so much in life being with him.I can be with someone who will not complain to buy me a package of hot dogs with out complaining about it,treat me to wendies without complaining about it,use his cell phone minutes with out worrying about it.He even tries to use reverse pschology on me and tries to make me think im crazy or sick in the head.Last summer when we broke up he really had me believing it.I really didnt want to live,i had so many different emotions i couldnt even think straight.I was under so much stress that i thought i really was going to have a stroke.This time he tried to pull the same crap..”your sick in the head and I’m not dealing with you anymore”I told him piont blank..Im not sick “your are” anyone who is a greedy as you is sick in the head and needs help.You dont treat people whom your supposed to love with all your heart like that.I believe he probably trapped me because im so much younger,and i had a lot more then what he does.I really just need people to talk to,people who are dealing with the same kind of heart aches.People that can tell me yes…he is a p and yes…stay away from him..and keep pounding it into my thick head!UUgGH!Sorry this was so long..
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Donna Andersen says:
To Dinaboyd:
You are right to break off all contact with this man. You are experiencing the mind games psychopaths play. These articles may help you:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....nd-liking/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....till-care/
Stay strong.
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UsedBrauer says:
It’s been over a year now since I last saw my husband. He left my life as quickly as he came. He went behind my back and filed for divorce two weeks before he left. He had also brought another woman into our home one evening while I was out of town on business. Now, like so many other victims, I too suffer from the depression, tears, heartache, a sexually transmitted disease and financial devastation.
I was his second wife. The first committed suicide. The longer I lived with him, the more I began to realize that his “story” about her was merely that. He said that she suffered from migraines and could no longer tollerate the pain, she was cheating on him (by emailing an old high school friend 3 states away) and she had also tried suicide once in high school. It sounded as if he was thowing out every excuse he could think of just to divert me away from thinking he was the culprit. She was in her late twenties and she sealed the fate of her soul (my belief) because of this jerk. She died on Halloween. He has Halloween parties every year! It’s his favorite holiday.
Honestly, I was so devastated after he left that I also thought of suicide. I moved 150 miles away and have started to recoup my life. He’s now living in our beautiful home and his life never skipped a beat. I’m thousands of dollars in debt and my credit is ruined but I know the kind of person I was before this happened and I will return to being that person again. Just as he will never change.
I was lucky because many of my friends helped me and luckily one of them was one of the best trial attorneys in the country. He arranged for me to have a great attorney and my employer loaned me the money for the retainer. I would hate to think of the outcome otherwise.
My question is this…If sociopaths never change,if they never have emotions like the rest of us then what does serve as punishment to them? What happens to the old sociopaths of this world? Is there ever justice for the victims?
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Grace63 says:
Hi everyone, I am still trying to answer this same question: How to recover from the devastation of a sociopath. I just recently broke it off with a man I was with for two years; pathological liar, thief, stole my identity 5 times in the beginning, and exploited my childhood issues and previous trauma’s to no end, and then blamed me for his actions.
Used pity plays numerous times to “borrow money” and used a story of a “pending lawsuit” which is due to for a payoff soon as collateral. I fell for this man hard, and found it terribly hard to leave him due to fear, childhood trauma, and an intense bond that resembled the bond between me and a father that abused me terribly as a child.
Finally after going to an attorney to seek advice on how to retrieve the $160,000 he owed me, the attorney revealed 5 warrants out for his arrest, and I had him arrested. He subsequently got out of jail, has several trials coming up, and I am broke, and remortgaging my house due to his lies and my foolishness. The pain is still very very fresh, as it was only three months ago that I ACCEPTED IN MY HEART that he was a psychopath and would never change. He continued to call me to try to blackmail me for even more money, and I had to have my number changed and obtained a restraining order against him, which he readily had no problem “pushing the envelope” on.
I have a promissory note for the $160,000 he owes me, and my attorney assures me he will not likely pay anything until we sue him, and then he may decide to flee before anything can be done.
Meanwhile he attends local AA meetings and gets support of many people who choose to be “nonjudgemental” and I have had to leave my homegroup because I am not supported there anymore…
Pain? Yes…I am in a lot of pain…my therapist and I are going to do some trauma work, and I continue to try to put one foot in front of the other, pray, talk to friends, and just cry a lot…trying to find joy, and remember I AM GLAD I AM ME, AND NOT him…I had so much of what he wanted, and I will regain my life back, my confidence, my compassion and passion for life…and, he will be forever handicapped with MISSING PARTS in his conscience and his mind.
Thank goodness for therapy, good books, prayer, friends, acupuncture…and, good old fashioned faith…
Best of luck to everyone…I will keep you all in my prayers, and if you will…please say one for me! I had to remortgage my house one more time today, I just retired from the Air Force…and, it is terribly difficult not to become consumed by fear and anxiety…but, someday…I will “feel” ok…I truly believe this…someday, I may be able to help someone with my experience…as I am in school to be a therapist…phew….
the lessons have come hard, and at a price, but, I am going to just keep right on moving, putting one foot in front of the other, and count my blessings that I never married the man or had his children…
Again, you are all in my prayers!
RK
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holehearted says:
I am just reeling from a 4 year relationship with someone I really believe is a sociopath.
We met when I was severely depressed and in the hospital for a suicide attempt I made after surgery.
He was there also for a “suicide attempt” though now knowing what I know it could all have been a fabricated attempt to have someplace to stay or to avoid prosecution for some crime commited.
He appeared sad and depressed at the time and told me the story of his abusive childhood and years of bouncing around foster care. I too came from a traumatic childhood having drug addicted parents and bouncing from one home to another. We connected on this level and he was so attentive to me showering me with affection and praise and helping me whenever he could.
He was living at a motel at the time and I helped him find a job, and let him move in with me and my roommate. He paid his rent on time and had two nice rooms downstairs while I had my room upstairs. We spend many nights together but some night if we were tired we would sleep apart. The sleeping apart happened more frequently.
He took a few jobs which never worked out and then the dry cleaners where I brough my clothes had an opening. He got hired immediately and worked there for a long time and even started managing 3 or 4 dry cleaners for the plant. He appeared to becoming successful and leaving his “old life” of crime (he had been in prison for 4 years). Our lives seemed to be headed in the right direction and he propsed marriage we became engaged and I didn’t like the ring he bought me so I traded it in and got another which angered and upset him but he was okay with it.
We went on an engagement vacation to the bahamas and had a great time. We were so “in love.”
I loaned him the money for a cheapy car so he could get back and forth to work, he fixed it up with his friend and the got into a small accident with it and said he didn’t want it anymore. His friend told me years later that he was driving recklessly and spun out on purpose and that is what caused the crash but he says he skidded on ice. Who knows what the truth is there.
When we got back he was still managing the cleaners, but he mentioned something about not being paid enough for his work and that he might start taking money. I told him this was a bad idea and to just ask for a raise and be patient. He called me a few weeks later to say that he was being accused of stealing but that he “didn’t do it.” It was someone else he said and because of his background he was being blamed. I spoke to the owner of the plant who state he “knew” he did it but couldn’t provide any proof.
I accepted that he didn’t do it and he immediately started working on business partnership with another dry cleaner owner. They opened another store and he was working it. This person co-signed for a car for him. He got into a car accident with this which wasn’t “his fault.” He started a lawsuit against the other driver and it was just a matter of time before his settlement came in.
He would “borrow” money from me which wasn’t so bad except it usually left me with little for my day. He had in the past given me money and was never stingy with gifts. I beleive of some level he really loved me.
I though couldn’t completely trust him after the incident with the dry cleaners, but I tried to put that behind us. I wasn’t as supportive as I should have been with his new business endeavor and I think he relied on me to rally him on.
He opened the new dry cleaners and I was reluctant to see the place and I should have been more excited for him.
For one reason or another he stated the business wasn’t working out because the person who sold it to them had been taking the business to his other cleaners. He was not really happy there I suppose and his car ended up getting repossessed after it was fixed from the accident. His partner claimed he was taking money from him though I never saw any of it. He stated that my ex was not really working the business but instead hanging out with his friends or walking around outside smoking or whatever.
In any event, he had the debit card for the business account and kept taking money out of it. I had in fact invested a small amount of money for business cards and advertising materials for the business and he gave me some of it back from the account. However, now he was without a car and a job again.
I was infuriated. I was dissappointed. I became verbally abusive toward him saying he was a loser and couldn’t do anything right. I know this made him feel even worse.
His partner then stated that it wasn’t that the business wasn’t making money but that he had been taking it out of the register and that is why the rent couldn’t get paid…etc.
I didn’t want to believe this I just couldn’t since he was given an opportunity to own his own place.
I was so mean to him I never accepted with gratitude any fo this gifts he gave me saying they weren’t what I really wanted. I am sure this made him really upset, but he never really showed it.
He would always do things for me to try to make me happy, if I needed anything done, he would always try his best and I would always say it wasn’t right or good enough. It was aweful the way I treated him, but looking back I see I was more angry about the things that I “didn’t know about.” Things he was secretive about or possibly hiding.
He said that whatever he tried I didn’t support him and stand by him and didn’t encourage him. This is true in some ways, I felt I was being lied to really. But I feel now if only I had been more excited about his business venture — if only I had visited him at work when he was alone, things might have been different.
In any event, he now needed another car and another job. He got a job working at a gym and opened up every morning at 5:30am. I drove him to work every morning until we could get him another car. He got one from his friend which was a gas guzzler but it got him to work and I didn’t have to drive him every morning.
I was still pretty mean to him about things arguing that he was working for too little money and could do better and should have really tried to work the dry cleaners and just plain being nasty about the situation because it was not what I wanted. I was pretty selfish.
The gym thing started working well and he was about to get his settlement and I was still paying for some of his bills like his cell phone which was always like hundreds each month.
He would do strange things like text me instead of calling and emailing instead of talking to me face to face.
I didn’t mind. I was doing my own thing – running my business (which he helped me start up and gave me some money to help open and he was right there with me on the grand opening 3 years ago.) I find it hard to work the business now as he is gone.
This is really long and I am going to post this message and then continue……
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holehearted says:
To continue…
He started managing the cafe of the gym and working the desk and he appeared to be working really hard.
I was doing my own thing and we were growing apart little by little and I became more and more mean to him.
He finally got his settlement and I begged for him to continue to work the gym while we invested the money in a small house or condo or something and then take money out to start another business (landscaping he wanted to do with his friend).
He got very angry with me and stated this is what he wanted and that he was taking his money and getting the landscaping business.
I felt it would be a waste of money and our furture would be in ruins. I told him he would not make it at the business or it would be too much work for him and he wouldn’t continue it.
He told me he was working at the gym and taking a 2 week vacation to open the business. He bought a truck from his friend and opened the business with him.
Turns out he got fired from the gym. His friend said it was because he stole money out of a safe. Don’t know how much at this point and that could have been a lie – He said he wasn’t feeling well and would open up and then leave and have someone punch out for him and that is why he got fired.
I think he may have also had another accident with his other car and that is why he needed the truck.
He gave me 5400 to put in my account to “invest in our future.” I took it thinking that at least we would have a buffer and I fully expected the business to not work and figured he would take it back from me little by little which he did.
He and his friend painted my business which at the time i was putting my heart and soul into. They did such a crappy job, there was paint on my floor, they didn’t tape anything up. There were streaks everywhere and he left the glass from a broken vase all over my floor downstairs. I was livid. I was crying so hard that he could treat my business this way. But then I guess in his mind I never supported him in his business and never went to see the equipment that he was so excited about that he figured why care about mine… anyway… I told him I was breaking up with him and I wasn’t going to give him his money back!
That started this whole big mess. He told me I was being unfair and that he loved me so much he wanted this to work. I told him if he tried to take the money I would have him arrested. Bad mistake to do to him and I know I should have been more understanding. Maybe I am the evil one… I can’t tell anymore.
He had moved out six months before and got his own place which was “not good enough for me” and I never vistited it. He said he was lonely and it didn’t feel like home to him.
I think he then really had it in for me. He told me his cat died and he needed money – I gave it to him feeling really guilty about what I had done.
He told me he needed money for other bills and things, and I have it back to him… his money… I guess… and little by little things started breaking down again.
He texted me that he was in another car accident with the truck and that he had busted ribs. I could not figure out why he was in so many accidents and to this day I don’t know if he really crashed his truck, because his friend was telling me so many wild and crazy stories about him.
I told him I would give him the money to get the car fixed but he said no he would pay it in time.
Then I get a call from his friend saying that he hadn’t seen him in days and wasn’t working with him. He had been with me and telling me he was working when he wasn’t with me.
Then his friend told me that his cat never really died.
I was PISSED. I came home and he was here and I said it’s over I am done with you.
We got into a fight about the crashed car and the business. he said he didn’t want to work the business with his friend anymore and that he was just going to give it to him.
I was really upset now. There were other times where I took off the ring and broke up with him, and it always upset him.
I know I sound like the bad guy in this story….
Anyway, I railed into him and told him to leave and I have him whatever cash I had.
He called me later saying he was going to kill himself. He called me to pick him up and I called his friend to go get him which he saw as a betrayal. He had razors and was threatening to cut himself.
I went to pick him up and didn’t want to take him to my place — meanwhile he said he couldn’t go back to his apartment because of a girl that was there and I guess he had not been paying his rent. So many lied and mixed truths, I don’t know what really happened.
Then, he’s screaming and telling me I never loved him and threatening to cut himself. I tried to take him to the hospital but he wouldn’t go. Then I just left him on the side of the road because he kept jumping out of my car.
I felt so guilty and he showed up at my door an hour later all bloody. I cleaned him up and was so angry at him still. I could not find any compassion in my heart for him.’
(I sound like the sociopath don’t I?)
I felt I was being manipulated by his lies. I don’t know. I woke up the next morning and ripped into him about being weak and not getting his life together and stealing. His friend told me he was smoking pot all the time. That he was really sick all the time taking himself to the emergency room. I thought he might be doing other drugs too. I don’t know anymore.
He left and called me later or texted me saying he wanted to die. I told him he did all this to himself. That I wasn’t trying to keep his money and that I was just angry about all the things that had gone on.
Well I started speaking to people who were telling me yes he stole from the dry cleaners and yes he stole from all his employers including the gym. Though some of the storied were lies and others were half truths. I still couldn’t figure it all out.
He called me from the hospital and I visited him. He didn’t seem suicidal to me. He said he did that so his friend (with the landscaping business) wouldn’t have him arrested which made no sense. He said that is why he couldn’t go back to his apartment. His friend had told me the police were looking for him which turned out not to be true since I called them and they said no they weren’t.
Sigh.. it gets so much worse…..
I called him at the hospital and told him he was a liar and a thief and I wanted nothing to do with him and that I was going to inform his employers he was a thief and that he stole over 3 years of my life. He called me back and told me if i messed with him I would lose everything… where I lived, my business… everything I loved…. and that is what he has been doing… under the guise of love and getting pity out of me and making me feel guilty for having been mean to him.
I ended up getting calls from him on an unfamiliar number after he was released from the hospital. It turned out to be a girl’s number. He was stating he wanted to kill himself and that he was sleeping in the park with these people who were released with him from the hospital.
Oh GOD… it goes on…. and gets worse and worse.
I ended up tracing the number and went looking for him… at this address connected to the number which turned out to be this girl’s parents house who pegged me for a unknown stalker and filed a complaint against me. I was no royally pissed and ended up finding him at a motel with her.
After all we had been through he shacks up with some whore at a motel… I was jealous and pissed and also guilty because I felt I drove him to this. That I somehow played a part in all of it — I did in some ways.
I picked him up from the motel and asked him if this is what he wanted. I would give him whatever money I could. He started crying saying he still loved me and wanted to be with me and he ditched the girl at the motel and came home with me. He cried on the floor and all over the place and begged me to take him to another hospital. Which I did. He was there for a week and I then picked him up and brought him home. I was still pissed about the girl and all the stories of stealing and the car wrecks and the lies about the cats and everything.
We went to my mom’s and she was taking his side which pissed me off. I said how could it be that all these people are lying about you stealing. I just wanted the truth. But he made it out like I was the monster. In some ways I was.
I told him to go back to his whore at the motel if that is the kind of life he wanted to lead.
Well, he started crying again saying I was killing him and that I he was just rying to love me. I felt guilty once again and said I was sorry I was just angry and confused… which I was.
Then, that night he leaves with a bottle of ambien, leaves all his clothes here and takes $420 out of my account. The money I didn’t care about really, but thought well maybe he really is going to kill himself. So I filed a missing persons report…. another big mistake since the police have me on file as a stalker already.
They find him and he tells them he’s happy and well and that I am just a jealous jilted girlfriend (which is not entirely untrue), but I filed the report because he had me so twisted up I didn’t know what was real and what was not.
(to be ocontinued….)
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holehearted says:
Oh man, then he has his friend file a complaint against me because I had been calling him and going there to drop off his clothes and things. I don’t thing I was harrassing them in anyway. I mean they were both telling me so much lies. I mean if his friend really was lying about him why would he give the business to him? Why would he make up with him right?
Oh it GETS WORSE!!
Once the police came to my house and told me about the call, I was DONE.
Then about 45 minutes later I get a text message from him saying he’s going to be court mandated to a mental institution. Which was yet another lie.
He then tells me he’s out of state. Another lie.
Then he tells me he is right around the corner but had to lie to me to protect himself from me because he was scared of me.
I of course FEEL GUILTY again. And he tells me he wants me to pick him up on such and such date a specific time. I know he is with this girl and this girl’s father (who happend to be a cop) actually told me his daughter was a mentally unstable as he is (meaning my ex). He tells me they are out to destroy my life.
So I don’t go but I figure if I give him more money – he won’t hurt me. I give him about another $600 through meeting him at the train station and putting it in the mailbox.
SIGH.. I wanted him back… I felt so guilty like it was all my fault and that now he was going to go and be happy with someone else. My BOND with him got stronger and stronger…. this crazy love thing. I can’t explain it.
Well – he keeps insisting that I pick him up and that he can’t stand to be without me and only wants me and doesn’t love her.
Okay so I am a sucker and I pick him up. Bring him home. Long story – longer… he’s smoking pot (now I am smoking with him too), then he is using my computer and the laptop and I see him looking at jewelry and starter pistols. I am pissed.
I make up a screen name to text this girl and find out what’s going on. I tell her to send me the emails (she thinks I am him at this point). She send me pictures of them in bed together and all these emails from him about how I am history and how he loves her. I AM FUMING!!!
I tell him she’s sending me this shit and he doesn’t know at that point that I am asking for it. I ASKED FOR IT! I am a moron and a loser. I am the crazy one right?
So I call her a whore and tell her she’s being used and manipulated. Meanwhile they have this devious plan against me I am assuming.
Well, he winds up getting my roommate’s credit card number and charging up all this jewelry and a starter pistol.
He had been saying he is going to commit suicide by cop. He also tried to charge up a hotel for 1500 and more jewelry for 700 but the card gets declined. Once we found out he took the card number, my roommate calls the credit card companies and has all the charges reveresed and calls the Sheriff. (let me remind you I have like three striked aganst me already witht he police 1. this girl’s fater 2. his friend’s complaint 3. him on the missing person’s report saying I am out to get him.
So he plan is to blame me for the charges and get me arrested…. I am now trying to do everything to avoid this.
Then I get the phone call that he is in the hospital again and that he had put a gun in his mouth and his girl found him and brought him to the hospital (she says it was all a hoax because he didn’t have any more money for the room).
Anyway I am again in the middle of lies and feel sorry for him. Yeah I do and the way he sounds is so sincere so real so pitiful. I tell him I am sorry for everything that has gone on and maybe we can forgive each other and start over.
I go visit him in the hospital (mind you the police are looking for him and I filed a statement saying he had a starter pistol).
Ugh It all seems so UNREAL!!! But I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
Okay so I go see him and he says not to come up… now I know this other girl is there… his next accomplice/victim love of his life that he is going to marry and have kids with and be happy while I am here miserable after 4 years of torment.
I see her leave and just watch… Then a few minutes later he comes running out in his bare socks… he snuck out or he says he busted the doors down. Who knows and there they are walking together. I pull over and look at him like what the hell??? She doesn’t even look at me so I know she’s just nervous. He tells me he broke out! Then all these cops start arriving. I had to go to work… so I leave…. Yes I leave him there with all the cops and shit… Aweful right?
Anyway I call her later and ask her what happened and she tells me they took him back to the hospital.
Which they did and drugged him up and I am like okay enough is enough! I am done with all this.
Then I get another call the next day that he is transferred to yet another hospital!!! Yes back to one of the one’s I took him too.
Like a fool I feel bad and I go visit him for the whole week (cops are still looking for him – you would figure the cops that picked him up would have — whatever…. )
The local cops don’t know anything through and I am too afraid to tell them where he is.
I am still in my mind trying to help him!!
I pick him up from the hospital and we go to a motel – since he can’t come to my house (credit card thing).
I am trying to work it all out saying just apologize you weren’t in your right mind… we can get a place together it will all be alright.
Well we leave that motel the next day and he has me pay for another and go home to get some clothes.
I get back to the motel and he’s GONE!!! I try to get my money back but they won’t reimburse me…. I talk the guy into giving me half back.
UGH!! I feel like the biggest loser on the planet. I feel like maybe I was taken in by him from the beginning and he was just using me. Then I think maybe he really loved me and if only I had been more supportive of him and didn’t hurt him like I did.
So I call the police AGAIN!! To tell them that I was in touch with him and where he was the past few weeks. They are like do you know where he is NOW? Of course I don’t!
But I know he is with her and it is really pissing me off. I took him to get his haircut and he was so happy and I knew it was because he was going to go see her.
All this suicidal bullshit more lies and deception.
Part of me feels I deserve it.
Part of me feels like why should he go live a happy life now I am miserable… He should go to jail for all the crimes he commited. But I am afraid of him now. I am really thinking I am about to lose everything.
My roommate is pissed about the card and really wants me to move, I have not been working my business so it is failing. I am smoking like two packs a day. The cops think I am a crazy stalker who set up her ex boyfriend out of jealousy to get him arrested!!
And I am so depressed, miserable, alone, all my friends think I am nuts, no one will help me. I pray not to wake up in the morning. I think of him happy and frolicking with this other grils and that she is going to get the happy life with him I was supposed to have.
I feel cheated, manipulated, lied to. i feel like an abusive person for how I treated him through the relationshop. I am so confused angry hurt… I just don’t feel like I should live.
I feel like I deserve everything I get.
Please help!
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peggywhoever says:
This was a powerful article from the archives, with some good, heartfelt advice. I particularly could relate to what “Fighter” said.
And I wonder, arlenejohnson57, where are you? Your message was so touching I wanted to reach out to you. I genuinely hope this past year has brought healing and peace.
holehearted:
Are you still on Lovefraud? What an incredible story. All I can say is wow, I hope you’re ok, and that you are now NC with this guy, bless your heart. Whew, that was some exciting reading.
As for me, after 6 months I rarely mention his name, I believe he will be in jail within the next 2 years and I will feel some vindication then, albeit also sadness. I am not yet healed, although making progress through new BF, my kids, friends, family, prayers, keeping busy, Lovefraud, and father TIME. Oh, the brown dog helps, too. :>)
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