I guess its that ‘denial’, and worry what will happen if she got other agencies involved, would he take her to court for contact or even fight for full custody, etc, he is a man of some wealth.

Never thought about him using women as a cover. I am due to speak with her again on Monday, more about the final hearing i.e. the divorce. I think she is probably too focused on this which is imminent.

Interestingly he will not let her near the house where he now lives (although she has been round to have a look, it is in a gated community which is unusual in the UK), he insists on handover of the boys at a service station on a motorway. He seems to have control over her despite everything that he has done. She has a new partner who she seems very happy with, so she has support, she has worked as a risk analyst for a bank for 20 years so she is not stupid either.

I think you are right, she should stop all contact immediately.

Thanks again.

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I think this man is a “pervert” (pedophile) and he is using the ‘relationships” with women to cover his sexual disinterest in them because unfortunately most people seem to think that if a man CAN or is functioning with a woman, he can’t be a pedophile, and he can’t be gay. THAT IS WRONG! It sounds like this man is a pedophile who prefers little boys.

I suggest that your friend keep her kids away from this man. If the man were NOT up to no good, he would not insist on “bathing” children of this age. And YES it IS her business what he does with their children. The problem is, that ANY contact with him is dangerous for the boys. He is obviously grooming them for more intimate contact. If this were my children, I would move heaven and earth to prevent any contact.

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She has recently expressed concern about the ex husband’s behaviour towards the boys, i.e. he insists on bathing them when they stay with him and the boys are uncomfortable with this. Her ex now lives with another woman although the boys say they sleep in separate rooms, perhaps history repeating itself. She tells me the boys no longer want to stay with their father. I myself have a son who is 16 now and he certainly did not want me bathing him at 8 let alone 10!

I guess I am looking for any advice, I am UK based. She says her ex husband has no empathy etc but does not think he is a spath, she thinks more Aspergers. The boys really don’ want to stay over, but want to see him. She has told him that his behaviour is not appropriate, his response ‘what I do with the boys in my time is none of your business’.

Any advice welcome.

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Then he agreed to go to AA and went off to the first meeting. He never got there. Something happened to stop him. It always did. there was always an excuse not to do something.

Oh and he also ‘played’ with drugs as well. He took speed and occasionally cocaine.

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You are exactly right. I know that’s why my X spath drinks; he is self medicating for sure. Just drinking to cover up the devastation he does to everyone. One night I was out and he turned up at the same place. Many of his subordinates were there waiting for him. I noticed as I looked across the restaurant that they already had a beer waiting for him when he got there. He needed it so bad, he couldn’t even wait. He is a mess. You are right on when you talk about them getting help. I know he won’t. Very, very few ever do. They have to want to change and I know he doesn’t.

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My X spath drinks a lot also, but he never changes. I think his tolerance is so high. I just chalked it up to him being English and being used to drinking. He told me once that he would never even think of going out and ordering an iced tea or something like that to drink. Not good.

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It was like he had to drink the pub, the restaurant, the bottle dry. He would even drink and drive. One time we got chased across London by various police forces. We were on his bike and some cops in a police car in front happened to notice him swaying slightly so started following us. As went went through each district a diferent police force would take over. When we got nearer home, the cops turned on their lights, he jumped a red light & that was it – 60-80mph chase down the main road near where I live! Me sitting on the back trying to go with the flow as I know if you’re a pillion on a bike if you sway the wrong way it can throw the bike all over the place. Where I live there is a network of small roads where you can get lots, so when there he did a hand brake turn, flung the bike down one of these roads & we were able to get home & off the bike before the cops came by. We sat in the front room watching them quarter the area!

One night he had been drinking and I refused to get on the bike to drink home. I just wasn’t prepared to take the risk any more. He went berserk as he used the bike for his living as well and needed it the next day. What was he going to do now, all my fault etc etc. A friend whose pub we were in came to my rescue by offering to bring the bike inside the pub over night so he could sober up.

He had no morals normally, but when he drank it was even worse. Another time we had gone to see the same friends but they lived elsewhere at the time. We had also invited another set of friends for dinner at home. It was at least a 1 hour drive (at normal speed) between the 2 places. At the first place he drank and drank. I kept reminding him we had to get home as our friends were coming, but he just kept on drinking etc. Finally with half an hour to spare we drove back, at god knows what speed, using all lanes of the motorway including the hard shoulder!! We made it jus in time.

Another time we were in the pub & again we had friends coming over for dinner. Again I kept saying our friends were coming but still he kept drinking. In the end our friends came to the pub to find us. Very embarrassing!

Just remembered another time as well. I had gone to another town nearby and he had said he would collect me so I hadn’t bother to buy a train ticket. I was with friends for a social event, but the event ended and everyone else went home. My hostess was very kind & looked after me but it got to the stage when my being there was interfering with the rest of her day. I rang another friend & asked if he knew where the ex was. He had to go and drag him out of the pub. I then had to wait until he had driven all the way to the next town to collect me. Then he started to drive back, by which time the drink had really started to hit him & it was raining. I told him to stop the car immediately, to get out & that I was going to drive. I was really, really scared this time as he was so dangerously drunk.

During the last couple of years with him I stopped drinking. I think I did it so I stayed in control, but also if I had to take over driving at any point I could. I could barely face drink. I only drank occasionally in the company of trusted friends. It has taken years before I’ve felt comfortable drinking in the presence of people I don’t know. even now unless I know them well if I’m asked for a drink I will have non alcoholic. My hackles go up when i see someone in the street with can’s of beer or anything like that.

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