Comments on: Love fraud: A spectrum (Part 1) http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:52:30 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Healing Heart http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21923 Healing Heart Mon, 29 Dec 2008 03:51:16 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21923 Greentrees - it sounds like you are in the very early stages of learning about these guys - and sorting out whether or not your partner is one of them. It can be overwhelming and even frightening. I read this blog, and other sites, for months before stepping into the mix. I'd read, read, read, - and then stay away for awhile because it was somehow "too much." I had to very gradually learn about Sociopaths, and its been a gradual process of admitting to myself what I was a part of, how bad it was, and how much pain it caused me. And is still causing me. This community helps. Take care of yourself. I love SG's advice about the time out. Take it. Maybe it will become a permanent thing, maybe not, but I think it will be very helpful to take it. Greentrees – it sounds like you are in the very early stages of learning about these guys – and sorting out whether or not your partner is one of them. It can be overwhelming and even frightening. I read this blog, and other sites, for months before stepping into the mix. I’d read, read, read, – and then stay away for awhile because it was somehow “too much.” I had to very gradually learn about Sociopaths, and its been a gradual process of admitting to myself what I was a part of, how bad it was, and how much pain it caused me. And is still causing me. This community helps.

Take care of yourself. I love SG’s advice about the time out. Take it. Maybe it will become a permanent thing, maybe not, but I think it will be very helpful to take it.

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]]> By: Stargazer http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21918 Stargazer Mon, 29 Dec 2008 03:32:26 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21918 Another thought, Greentrees, it sounds like at very least, if you are both caught up in hurting each other, a time out is necessary to detoxify from a toxic situation. You may find out that the time out needs to be a permanent thing. Another thought, Greentrees, it sounds like at very least, if you are both caught up in hurting each other, a time out is necessary to detoxify from a toxic situation. You may find out that the time out needs to be a permanent thing.

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]]> By: Stargazer http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21914 Stargazer Mon, 29 Dec 2008 03:15:53 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21914 Greentrees, If I may recommend some reading for you, a really good book I'm reading is "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you date him." It describes various types of personality disorders and how to spot them. You may recognize your man in one of the chapters. When I read the section on emotional predators, my jaw dropped; I could have written the chapter myself. Greentrees,
If I may recommend some reading for you, a really good book I’m reading is “How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you date him.” It describes various types of personality disorders and how to spot them. You may recognize your man in one of the chapters. When I read the section on emotional predators, my jaw dropped; I could have written the chapter myself.

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]]> By: justabouthealed http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21908 justabouthealed Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:49:48 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21908 I meant BTK. :-) I meant BTK. :-)

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]]> By: justabouthealed http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21907 justabouthealed Mon, 29 Dec 2008 02:48:37 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21907 Well, I'm still supposed to be working, did some work but this blog was still bothering me. I think someone can LOOK like a cheater, according to the above definitions because they are bringing in money, but be a parasite or predator in their relationships outside the home. For example the BKT strangler (who is related to an in law by marriage through a cousin) was a "family man" and a provider, but obviously a predator. Was at family gatherings. For some, appearing to be a family man, a working man, can just be part of the thrill of pulling one over on society. Or for some , they get a certain "story" about themselves that they tell themselves and they work to keep that "good" story going for themselves, while trying to "swear off" their evil addictions that they keep denying. That was more the case in the person I was involved with. (trying to deny a sex addiction, in addition to having a personality disorder or two!) For whatever reason, they may have enough social training or self interest and intelligence to figure out that it is somehow in their best interests for the time being to contribute something to the family. Someone somewhere on that continuum from Narcissistic personality disorder on out to predator. They may want social status as part of their "control" and arrogance, etc. and if they are intelligent enough to get that without too much work and effort, they will. Well, I’m still supposed to be working, did some work but this blog was still bothering me. I think someone can LOOK like a cheater, according to the above definitions because they are bringing in money, but be a parasite or predator in their relationships outside the home. For example the BKT strangler (who is related to an in law by marriage through a cousin) was a “family man” and a provider, but obviously a predator. Was at family gatherings. For some, appearing to be a family man, a working man, can just be part of the thrill of pulling one over on society. Or for some , they get a certain “story” about themselves that they tell themselves and they work to keep that “good” story going for themselves, while trying to “swear off” their evil addictions that they keep denying. That was more the case in the person I was involved with. (trying to deny a sex addiction, in addition to having a personality disorder or two!) For whatever reason, they may have enough social training or self interest and intelligence to figure out that it is somehow in their best interests for the time being to contribute something to the family. Someone somewhere on that continuum from Narcissistic personality disorder on out to predator. They may want social status as part of their “control” and arrogance, etc. and if they are intelligent enough to get that without too much work and effort, they will.

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]]> By: OxDrover http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21898 OxDrover Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:41:14 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21898 You all are having a wonderful discussion here--and you are all so right--we can't stop loving, but we need to learn to be more discriminating and CAUTIOUS in who we trust, and love. We need to learn to LOVE OURSELVES THE MOST, and then, and ONLY then, can we let someone else love us and let ourselves be vulnerable to others. Loving someone makes you vulnerable to hurt. That is a given, but, BUT we must be cautious about giving our love to someone who may not be deserving of it...another P. LEARN THE RED FLAGS, and when you see/feel one RUN LIKE HELL, BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF TOO MUCH TO ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO ABUSE YOU. You all are having a wonderful discussion here–and you are all so right–we can’t stop loving, but we need to learn to be more discriminating and CAUTIOUS in who we trust, and love.

We need to learn to LOVE OURSELVES THE MOST, and then, and ONLY then, can we let someone else love us and let ourselves be vulnerable to others.

Loving someone makes you vulnerable to hurt. That is a given, but, BUT we must be cautious about giving our love to someone who may not be deserving of it…another P.

LEARN THE RED FLAGS, and when you see/feel one RUN LIKE HELL, BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF TOO MUCH TO ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO ABUSE YOU.

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]]> By: Healing Heart http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21896 Healing Heart Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:31:20 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21896 No, no, Greentrees. You do not want to recover from wating natural sharing and caring! That's something beautiful and not something from which you recover. You will need to recover from trying to get that from someone who is incapable of giving that. Most of us on this site (probably all of us), at some point stayed in a relationship, thinking, hoping, we could get love, caring, and sharing back from someone (our ex S) who was utterly unable to do so. If your ex is an S, he will hurt you over and over. He doesn't want to share - he wants what's best for him. I hope to recover from wasting my time and resources trying to get caring and sharing from an uncaring and selfish individual. Never stop loving and caring! That's one of the things that makes you beautiful. Just don't waste those beautiful resources on a S or N, who will eat them up, use you up, and give very little in return. Mine was willing to hurt me, quite badly, if it meant that he got to do something he wanted. And he had me fooled for a long time. An embarrassingly long tim. No, no, Greentrees. You do not want to recover from wating natural sharing and caring! That’s something beautiful and not something from which you recover. You will need to recover from trying to get that from someone who is incapable of giving that. Most of us on this site (probably all of us), at some point stayed in a relationship, thinking, hoping, we could get love, caring, and sharing back from someone (our ex S) who was utterly unable to do so. If your ex is an S, he will hurt you over and over. He doesn’t want to share – he wants what’s best for him.

I hope to recover from wasting my time and resources trying to get caring and sharing from an uncaring and selfish individual.

Never stop loving and caring! That’s one of the things that makes you beautiful. Just don’t waste those beautiful resources on a S or N, who will eat them up, use you up, and give very little in return. Mine was willing to hurt me, quite badly, if it meant that he got to do something he wanted. And he had me fooled for a long time. An embarrassingly long tim.

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]]> By: greentrees52 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21894 greentrees52 Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:24:36 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21894 recover? from wanting to have natural human sharing and caring? how does one "recover" from that without losing all hope? I'm being "rhetorical" -- it's like I can "see it all" but get lost again -- sometimes I only have so much strength to fight through the bad to get to the good -- and I don't see much good right now -- I think I am seeing through his eyes...the "illogical, magical" thing he can create is all around me recover? from wanting to have natural human sharing and caring? how does one “recover” from that without losing all hope? I’m being “rhetorical” — it’s like I can “see it all” but get lost again — sometimes I only have so much strength to fight through the bad to get to the good — and I don’t see much good right now — I think I am seeing through his eyes…the “illogical, magical” thing he can create is all around me

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]]> By: Healing Heart http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21893 Healing Heart Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:14:23 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21893 Not crazy at all, Greentrees. I blocked out a lot of what he did at the time, because it was so outrageous, almost impossible for me to process, and way too painful. I broke up with mine almost 10 months ago (four months NC - my end), and things he did that I had blocked out are still coming back to me. Even with all that, I still have times when I start thinking "oh, he wasn't so bad, poor guy...he had a tough childhood...maybe if I gave him another chance." I think many of us do that. You read people's stories, and they seem so awful, and then the person posts that they miss the guy. I do too! It's part of the "betrayal bond." You really do get attached to these guys, and its not easy to get out, even though they behave terribly. Just read our blogs, Greentrees. Reading about other people's experiences has been so helpful for me. I feel like these are "my girls" (and some great guys, too) on LF - and even though I think we all are pretty different, we have remarkably similar experiences with these guys. Just keep reading. Don't be hard on yourself for judging him. You don't need to tell him about any of this, or present him with any labels. Just pay attention, yourself. And do not allow yourself to be abused. We end up tolerating so much with these guys, and we keep moving the line for what appropriate behavior is (for them, not for anyone else). If you are out of this relationship, try very, very, hard to have NC. It's a big challenge, but makes a huge difference in your recovery. Not crazy at all, Greentrees. I blocked out a lot of what he did at the time, because it was so outrageous, almost impossible for me to process, and way too painful. I broke up with mine almost 10 months ago (four months NC – my end), and things he did that I had blocked out are still coming back to me.

Even with all that, I still have times when I start thinking “oh, he wasn’t so bad, poor guy…he had a tough childhood…maybe if I gave him another chance.” I think many of us do that. You read people’s stories, and they seem so awful, and then the person posts that they miss the guy. I do too! It’s part of the “betrayal bond.” You really do get attached to these guys, and its not easy to get out, even though they behave terribly. Just read our blogs, Greentrees. Reading about other people’s experiences has been so helpful for me.

I feel like these are “my girls” (and some great guys, too) on LF – and even though I think we all are pretty different, we have remarkably similar experiences with these guys.

Just keep reading. Don’t be hard on yourself for judging him. You don’t need to tell him about any of this, or present him with any labels. Just pay attention, yourself. And do not allow yourself to be abused. We end up tolerating so much with these guys, and we keep moving the line for what appropriate behavior is (for them, not for anyone else). If you are out of this relationship, try very, very, hard to have NC. It’s a big challenge, but makes a huge difference in your recovery.

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]]> By: greentrees52 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/comment-page-2/#comment-21892 greentrees52 Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:00:48 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/23/love-fraud-a-spectrum-part-1/#comment-21892 how does one describe being on the bad end of "inidfference" -- you somehow feel like "nothing." I once emailed him and said I was "distentangling" myself from him emotionally -- his response the next day --- "think so.." It also startles me how many "blank spots" I have when I think about some things in connection with him -- like I had to "forget" the horror I was seeing... is that crazy? how does one describe being on the bad end of “inidfference” — you somehow feel like “nothing.” I once emailed him and said I was “distentangling” myself from him emotionally — his response the next day — “think so..”

It also startles me how many “blank spots” I have when I think about some things in connection with him — like I had to “forget” the horror I was seeing… is that crazy?

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