Love fraud: A spectrum (Part 1)
PDF The recent post on marital misconduct, and the many letters I have received from Lovefraud readers, have caused me to conclude that love fraud is a spectrum. Because love fraud is a spectrum, there is some confusion about it. To clear up the confusion, this week I will describe the range of motives for this fraudulent behavior. Remember that one of the most important biologic/social functions of love relationships is to produce and raise children. In my opinion, love fraud that involves children is the most serious. These children did not ask to be born and are at the mercy of the adults responsible for bringing them into the world. Next week we will discuss the implications of the spectrum of love fraud for children.
Love fraud perpetrated by predators
Perhaps the most serious form of love fraud occurs when a person who is certainly a psychopath or sociopath enters into a relationship with the sole intent of exploitation and predation. I believe I was a victim of this type of fraud. There are many other examples of men and women who have been victims of this most severe love fraud; their stories may be found on this web site’s True Lovefraud Stories.
Donna speaks primarily of this type of love fraud: Being the victim of a scam is embarrassing. Humiliating. Victims keep asking themselves, “How could I have been so stupid? Why didn’t I see it coming?” The last thing they want to do is tell other people how they participated in being duped—even though it’s not their fault.
Unfortunately, the type of person who uses the love bond as a lure to attract his/her prey does not care if children are produced in the relationship. In fact, these predators often use the children to further their own purposes. Sociopaths typically have many children with several different partners. When I first realized I had been the victim of a sociopath, I spoke with Anne McGuire from Fraud Aid (this was 2003, before Donna Andersen put up this site). I asked her, “How many women do you know who have had children with con artists?” She said, “The con artist doesn’t care about whether he fathers children. In fact, the more the merrier… then he can use them as pawns!” With that I discovered I was not alone.
Love fraud perpetrated by parasites
As tragic as the True Lovefraud Stories are, they do not represent a very large percentage of the total cases of what I would consider to be love fraud. The next level of severity of love fraud happens when sociopaths and narcissists seek relationships because they want to be in a relationship. These individuals get married or form partnerships for reasons other than pure predation. They may want to use the relationship as cover to appear normal to the world. They may also dislike being alone. It is very important to understand that although psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists do not enjoy affection, they are very social. They do not enjoy being alone. Thus, these people can be predators as above, or they can be parasites.
The difference between a predator and a parasite is that the parasite does not seek to destroy his/her host. The parasite just wants to suck energy from the host. The parasitic form of love fraud is very common. Prior to becoming a victim myself, I had not known of the predatory type of love fraud. But I saw many cases of parasitic love fraud in my practice.
Victims of parasitic love fraud are often more confused about their victimization and about the perpetrator than are victims of predatory love fraud. The motives of the perpetrator are less obvious in parasitic love fraud.
The parasitic love fraud perpetrator often sees children as competition for the energy of the host. These people often leave the relationship once children are conceived. They may also have abortions themselves, or pressure their partners into having an abortion.
The cheaters
The next most common form of love fraud is perpetrated by persons with narcissistic and antisocial personality traits but not the full disorder. These individuals are capable of a modicum of what might be considered “love.” They enjoy affection some, but have such poor impulse control and moral sense that they are not capable of a monogamous relationship. These are the chronic cheaters.
With the availability of divorce and alternatives to marriage, those that repeatedly cheat are also fraudulent lovers. The motivation to cheat rather than leave has to do with power and control in a relationship. The cheater wants to own his victims. The difference between a cheater and a parasite is that the cheater contributes substantially to the relationship. He/she may share the work of the home and is gainfully employed.
This last form of love fraud is perhaps the most difficult to process. The victim correctly perceives some degree of affection in the relationship. There are also social pressures on these victims. Well meaning friends and relatives may say, “At least he brings home the bacon and sleeps with you every night!” In my experience, most people are looking for real intimacy and fidelity in a partner in addition to sharing a home and finances. The cheater leaves his/her victim feeling inadequate, lonely and empty.
Chronic cheaters are also very problematic when it comes to children. People who repeatedly cheat are not capable of putting a spouse’s well-being above their own. They also are often incapable of the sacrifices required to parent. Cheaters are, however, interested in children as possessions, just as they are interested in lovers as possessions. Again, “The more, the merrier!” may be the philosophy when it comes to children.
The adulterers
Adulterers are people who cheat because they are no longer “in love” with a partner and/or are not getting needs met, but they feel an obligation to stay in the marriage. Adulterers technically also commit love fraud because they do not live up to promises made. Typically, though, these spouses do not repeatedly cheat with multiple partners. An adulterer may form a bond with one other partner and leave the marriage once the responsibilities of child care are over or lessened. As a whole, this group is capable of loving relationships but made a mistake in choosing a partner, and they were unable/unwilling to correct the mistake through divorce.
Adulterers are generally adequate parents because they have ability to love. However, when children find out about infidelity they often harbor feelings of anger toward the perpetrator. Adulterers typically try to support the aggrieved spouse emotionally and financially because they feel guilty over their behavior.
The Inner Triangle
When interpreting the behavior of others within all love relationships it is very useful to consider the Inner Triangle. The Inner Triangle is Ability to Love, Impulse Control and Moral Reasoning. Psychopaths and sociopaths are people who have no ability to love, poor impulse control and no moral values. These people can only be predators and parasites in ALL of their relationships. Narcissists also lack ability to love, but have an understanding of morality and impulse control. Narcissists can be parasites or cheaters.
Many other people have problems with the Inner Triangle that do not rise to the level of disorder. These people can be cheaters and adulterers in one relationship and function well in another relationship they are better suited to.
The children are the victims
In any case, defects in the Inner Triangle impair a person’s ability to parent. This is discussed in detail in my book, Just Like His Father? Next week I will address predators, parasites, cheaters and adulterers in the context of child care and custody.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
greentrees52 says:
After all, didn’t someone love me at some point, that I didn’t love them.. Of course! But, the difference is, I am not “cruel” to the other person… But they probably felt hurt, pain, loss. Does that mean I have to label someone as “disordered.” I have learned that, between a man and woman (two people), they somehow know whether or not they “want” to be together after 2 to 6 months. Prior to that period of time, ALL people want to be with someone. Then they meet, they spend time, they try — within a short period of time you know — whether it’s right or wrong — no matter — yes, there are people out there who will “lead” you on — but only if you let them..and I’ve been one of them at least 3 times in my life — the other times? well, I think I have hurt another person… how about you?
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OxDrover says:
I am not sure on which thread it was but recently, James was talking about a woman he knew who was so “nice” and he watned to believe she was a “nice person” yet she did something totally twisted (can’t remember what) and immoral.
Yet, he wanted to believe she was “nice person”—someone commented that the terms “nice” (meaning polite) does not mean “good.” I think that is the point we need to be aware of here in this discussion too.
Being “nice”— polite and appearing concerned, even doing good deeds, and reading the Bible and quoting it (my murdering P-son is also a Bible expert) does NOT MAKE ONE A GOOD PERSON.
Look at all the “cult leaders” who quote scripture “with the best of them” and then take psychopathic advantage of young girls and women and others in the cult by abusing them.
Religion is FREQUENTLY used to “justify” psychopathic and abusive behavior. Beatings are given because the Bible says in the old testement “spare the rod and spoil the child” so children are beaten, bruised and bones broken to “save” them in the name of a “Loving God.”
I am not totally against spanking in ALL situations, but for sure, I am against physical abuse of children by bending them over and beating them with a rod. Personally, as an aside, I think corporal punishment for ADULTS might be a better solution than limited incarceration, and it would be cheaper! LOL
The use of “religion” (of any kind) has been responsible for more deaths and torture than just about anything I can think of. So being “nice” (polite etc) doesn’t mean “good” at all.
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justabouthealed says:
HH….I was the same way, it took SO MUCH for me to see what he was, including a therapist sitting there with her jaw dropping from what he had done…and me saying “but I love him so much”. Geeezzz! Now I think yeah, I loved him, but mostly I loved the DREAM of a love that would always be there as a source of support, and someone to have fun with….
And despite all the hoops I jumped through for him, I was willing to drop the sex at anytime. More than anything, I wanted that emotional support, the very thing he could not give. Despite what I’ve written here, that came through so loud and clear that the therapist said she had a hard time picturing me as his lover, that I talked about him more like a brother. And truth be known, that would have been perfect. Had he been a different person.
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justabouthealed says:
And it IS important to remember what they are, to know the truth. Because even now…for just a BRIEF moment…I thought, yes, contact him, make up, and let’s start over as brother and sister. (We do look like a brother and sister too). Then I have to boink myself and remember what he is!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus he tells BORING stories! LOL! My therapist kept asking me, what is so special about this guy? His money doesn’t interest me….and when it came down to it, it was just that I’ve known him so long, it seemed wrong to trash that, and that I “get him” and that compelling pull of the recreation of the sick relationship I had at home. And I had to admit, those are all stinking reasons to hang on to someone who hurts me over and over and over. And hurts everyone who dares to care about him. (Cause that brings out his controlling anger and his tiny bit of enjoying causing pain.)
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greentrees52 says:
I think perhaps I am hearing on a different level — so “evil people exist?” but, have you been perfect in your love to another — have you dated more than one person and it didn’t work out? Was each occasion the other person’s fault?
And, yes, I experience anger, but I just don’t think my life and relationships are always the other person’s fault. But, yeah, he had “weird” eyes, was manipulative, using, told boring stories, was non-affectionate — but, I too, have been perceived that way at times in my life by other people — does that make me a sociopath? — PTSD?
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Stargazer says:
Greentrees,
Of course we all hurt one another; we are human. God knows I’ve done a fair share of damage to others’ hearts, which I’m not proud of. No, that does not make us sociopaths. I encourage you to read some of the links on the home page about what makes a person a sociopath. There is a checklist for sociopathy created by Dr. Hare, which is on this site somewhere. A sociopath is really a different animal. They are not like other personality disorders.
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greentrees52 says:
Stargazer,
Sigh, I know — he was not like other people..it’s just hard for me to except that people like that exist — there has to be a reason and it has to do with humanity. No, it’s not my “job” but I ask myself why I couldn’t be “stronger” and at least “point” another human in the right direction — not that I could “fix” “heal” or do anything else — but I feel lacking that I didn’t have enough to do more than “point a finger” in the right direction..I was wanting companship, affection…and I suspect he is the way he is because he had no one to “guide” him — we all need teachers…
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justabouthealed says:
Hell no it was not always the other person’s fault when things did not work out. But there is a difference between things not working out and someone having a pattern of EXPLOITATION, NO REMORSE, and doing thing that really take you aback, as Steve’s post on Radar explains.
I dated at least 30 guys. One tried to date rape me. Two pretty much did. The others were all basically nice guys, EVEN when I got hurt and cried my eyes out for a FEW DAYS, with the exception of the one I now label as a P/S/N. who has made me cry, be emotionally upset, pretty much confused, in a tail spin for more like a year or two at a time, not a few days!! And he has done it to other people too. What is the common thread? NOT ME.
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justabouthealed says:
Though I do recognize I can do things to protect myself from his kind in the future.
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Stargazer says:
Greentrees, without hearing your entire story, I wouldn’t even venture to guess what is going on with your ex. Some people do just lash out in pain. Some have personality disorders. Some have a whole variety of them. And then there is this very special variety of anti-socials called sociopaths.
I can only say that with my ex, I had never seen the type of craziness and pathological lying in another human being before. I couldn’t believe what he had done–he was such a sweet man. I thought he was confused, head injured, going through a hard time, etc. I was willing to wait for him. Then I told the story to a friend of mine. She became enraged and said “My ex husband was exactly like that. Go to the internet and google Sociopath right now”. I still didn’t understand what she was saying. Even though he discarded me in a way that made it look like it was my fault, I still could not believe he was a bad person. I actually had to set him up a few times. I was 3-wayed in on a few conversations where I heard him lying. Then I found out he lied to me about his divorce. Later I found out he is involved in serious fraud against the US army. Deceit is the underpinning of the sociopathic personality. If your man is a true sociopath, chances are he lies to you about many things, and has a history of fraud. Have you ever googled him?
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Stargazer says:
Another characteristic is they tend to prey on those of us who are compassionate and forgiving. They use that against us because they know we will take them back again and again. It’s diabolical. Once you figure out you are being exploited, the reality is horrible and unthinkable. It’s really hard to wrap your mind around. But yes, people like this DO exist. And we have all had the displeasure of being intimately involved with them.
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greentrees52 says:
justabouthealed:
yes, in the past, there have been relationships where I spent a few days crying, and it passed. And, you’re right, this one has thrown me into a “tailspin” — has caused me to wonder, question — but I won’t forget, in all my confusion, the weird eyes, the lack of affection, callousness, coldheartdness…nor, the superficialness, glibness, story-telling, name-dropping, heightened sexuality, the need to be entertained, the inertia, the inability to follow thru on a task, the disconnect, the feeling when you hold him there is no emotion — how can this be?
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greentrees52 says:
I am ashamed to say that I lashed out in pain..
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greentrees52 says:
I sent several very nasty emails many days ago, but have done nothing since..
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Wini says:
greentree52: NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT. If you contact him in any way, shape or form, you give away your power to them. They don’t care what you write or what you say … you are just feeding their ego. It’s when you have absolutely NO CONTACT is when they become helpless … cause they don’t know what going on with you.
Meanwhile, NO CONTACT so you can heal from the likes of him.
Peace.
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Healing Heart says:
Greentrees – lashing out in pain is totally understandable. It’s not the best thing to do, and jesus and buddha wouldn’t do it, but its understandable.
And yes, we all hurt each other in relationships – it would be impossible not to. I’ve been in many romantic relationships where I’ve hurt him, he’s hurt me – it would be impossible to have a relationship without hurt and pain.
The pain caused by a sociopath is very different. just keep reading these blogs, the articles, and literature on Sociopaths and Narcissists. One thing very telling is the level of deception. My ex S lied about so many things, all the time. It was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. He also cheated a lot – on me, on all his girlfriends. He had so remorse, (sure he felt bad when his behaviors had consequences for him, but didn’t care what he did to others), and lacked compassion. The pain of other people was almost repulsive to him, When I was in pain, he was cruel. He was cruel to his sister, his ex-wife – anyone who was in pain. It was an inconvenience for him. And he raged. He yelled and swore and couldn’t have any type of adult conversation involving conflict.
Yes, all of my relationships had conflict, all of my relationships had hurt – mutually inflicted. But the socioipath is like a different breed, a different creature. I could never do the things that my ex S did. I could never lie like he did, cheat like he did, manipulate like he did, or abuse like he did.
Can you do the things your ex did to you? Make a list of the cruel things he did – the times he lacked compassion, the times he was absent when you needed him. And take an honest look at that list. Are they slip ups anyone could make? Could you do to another human being what he did to you?
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greentrees52 says:
how does one describe being on the bad end of “inidfference” — you somehow feel like “nothing.” I once emailed him and said I was “distentangling” myself from him emotionally — his response the next day — “think so..”
It also startles me how many “blank spots” I have when I think about some things in connection with him — like I had to “forget” the horror I was seeing… is that crazy?
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Healing Heart says:
Not crazy at all, Greentrees. I blocked out a lot of what he did at the time, because it was so outrageous, almost impossible for me to process, and way too painful. I broke up with mine almost 10 months ago (four months NC – my end), and things he did that I had blocked out are still coming back to me.
Even with all that, I still have times when I start thinking “oh, he wasn’t so bad, poor guy…he had a tough childhood…maybe if I gave him another chance.” I think many of us do that. You read people’s stories, and they seem so awful, and then the person posts that they miss the guy. I do too! It’s part of the “betrayal bond.” You really do get attached to these guys, and its not easy to get out, even though they behave terribly. Just read our blogs, Greentrees. Reading about other people’s experiences has been so helpful for me.
I feel like these are “my girls” (and some great guys, too) on LF – and even though I think we all are pretty different, we have remarkably similar experiences with these guys.
Just keep reading. Don’t be hard on yourself for judging him. You don’t need to tell him about any of this, or present him with any labels. Just pay attention, yourself. And do not allow yourself to be abused. We end up tolerating so much with these guys, and we keep moving the line for what appropriate behavior is (for them, not for anyone else). If you are out of this relationship, try very, very, hard to have NC. It’s a big challenge, but makes a huge difference in your recovery.
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greentrees52 says:
recover? from wanting to have natural human sharing and caring? how does one “recover” from that without losing all hope? I’m being “rhetorical” — it’s like I can “see it all” but get lost again — sometimes I only have so much strength to fight through the bad to get to the good — and I don’t see much good right now — I think I am seeing through his eyes…the “illogical, magical” thing he can create is all around me
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Healing Heart says:
No, no, Greentrees. You do not want to recover from wating natural sharing and caring! That’s something beautiful and not something from which you recover. You will need to recover from trying to get that from someone who is incapable of giving that. Most of us on this site (probably all of us), at some point stayed in a relationship, thinking, hoping, we could get love, caring, and sharing back from someone (our ex S) who was utterly unable to do so. If your ex is an S, he will hurt you over and over. He doesn’t want to share – he wants what’s best for him.
I hope to recover from wasting my time and resources trying to get caring and sharing from an uncaring and selfish individual.
Never stop loving and caring! That’s one of the things that makes you beautiful. Just don’t waste those beautiful resources on a S or N, who will eat them up, use you up, and give very little in return. Mine was willing to hurt me, quite badly, if it meant that he got to do something he wanted. And he had me fooled for a long time. An embarrassingly long tim.
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OxDrover says:
You all are having a wonderful discussion here–and you are all so right–we can’t stop loving, but we need to learn to be more discriminating and CAUTIOUS in who we trust, and love.
We need to learn to LOVE OURSELVES THE MOST, and then, and ONLY then, can we let someone else love us and let ourselves be vulnerable to others.
Loving someone makes you vulnerable to hurt. That is a given, but, BUT we must be cautious about giving our love to someone who may not be deserving of it…another P.
LEARN THE RED FLAGS, and when you see/feel one RUN LIKE HELL, BECAUSE YOU LOVE YOURSELF TOO MUCH TO ALLOW ANYONE ELSE TO ABUSE YOU.
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justabouthealed says:
Well, I’m still supposed to be working, did some work but this blog was still bothering me. I think someone can LOOK like a cheater, according to the above definitions because they are bringing in money, but be a parasite or predator in their relationships outside the home. For example the BKT strangler (who is related to an in law by marriage through a cousin) was a “family man” and a provider, but obviously a predator. Was at family gatherings. For some, appearing to be a family man, a working man, can just be part of the thrill of pulling one over on society. Or for some , they get a certain “story” about themselves that they tell themselves and they work to keep that “good” story going for themselves, while trying to “swear off” their evil addictions that they keep denying. That was more the case in the person I was involved with. (trying to deny a sex addiction, in addition to having a personality disorder or two!) For whatever reason, they may have enough social training or self interest and intelligence to figure out that it is somehow in their best interests for the time being to contribute something to the family. Someone somewhere on that continuum from Narcissistic personality disorder on out to predator. They may want social status as part of their “control” and arrogance, etc. and if they are intelligent enough to get that without too much work and effort, they will.
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justabouthealed says:
I meant BTK.
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Stargazer says:
Greentrees,
If I may recommend some reading for you, a really good book I’m reading is “How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you date him.” It describes various types of personality disorders and how to spot them. You may recognize your man in one of the chapters. When I read the section on emotional predators, my jaw dropped; I could have written the chapter myself.
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Stargazer says:
Another thought, Greentrees, it sounds like at very least, if you are both caught up in hurting each other, a time out is necessary to detoxify from a toxic situation. You may find out that the time out needs to be a permanent thing.
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Healing Heart says:
Greentrees – it sounds like you are in the very early stages of learning about these guys – and sorting out whether or not your partner is one of them. It can be overwhelming and even frightening. I read this blog, and other sites, for months before stepping into the mix. I’d read, read, read, – and then stay away for awhile because it was somehow “too much.” I had to very gradually learn about Sociopaths, and its been a gradual process of admitting to myself what I was a part of, how bad it was, and how much pain it caused me. And is still causing me. This community helps.
Take care of yourself. I love SG’s advice about the time out. Take it. Maybe it will become a permanent thing, maybe not, but I think it will be very helpful to take it.
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