Divorce and marital misconduct
PDF Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
It also sounds as if the shaving bag is his home for his drugs.
No one I have ever known has carried a shaving bag he’s so concerned about anyone having access to……AND NOT TRAVELING!
Just hope his 3 week death story is true!!!
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hens says:
My X booger became a demon when he drank. I guess he was what you call a binge drinker, would go months without drinking. I think this was the first time I saw the evil in him. We were camping and drinking a few beers, but he kept drinking and wouldnt eat, out of the blue he goes into this rage at something I had done months before. And there was no calming him down, things got real ugly, I was really skeered. Afterwards he promised not to drink ever again. Well the binges came more frequent along with the rages. I had never dealt with this kind of behavior before. I mean to have to consider calling the police to help protect me and my property from someone I thought I loved was kinda ‘not me’..I was like omg what have I got myself into? I soon learned what I was into and got him out of my home and life, and then I fell apart..I think mostly from letting him hang on so long, i think the only reason it lasted three years was because I felt sorry for him and I did fear him and love him – crazy..crazy crazy…I just cant imagine living like this 22 years off and on..hope she gets the life lesson I did..aint nobody worth that chit..
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erin1972 says:
My ex spaths wife forced both of us to write a letter saying that we were together for a year to give to her attorney for the divorce. That was before she cancelled the whole divorce and took him back for the 4th time. I actually feel sorry that one person could be so pathetic. She evidently found out about the four relationships that he had during their marriage. She kicked him out and threatened divorce after each one and then let him beg, cry, and buy his way back in each time. Those two are a match made in heaven really. I feel proud that I will NEVER be in that position ever again. There is no way that anyone married will EVER be able to talk me into that kind of relationship again. I will NEVER feel that I have to settle for someone who is with me part-time and goes home to someone else. No amount of money in the world will let me be with someone knowing that I will cry everynight when he leaves me to go home to someone else. I am too good for that and I deserve way way more than that!
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hens says:
yep Erin72 you deserve much more than that, sorry it has been such a hard lesson for you, but now you know about boundaries, boundaries too protect yourself..I feel sorry for his wife, she must really have very low self esteem – maybe she needs to find love FRAUD
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erin1972 says:
Hens-It’s alright. I feel much better. I am triggered with memories and bad feelings much less than before. I would say that anyone who accepted that kind of behavior continuously as a wife is sad. The thing is though is that she wanted him for his money-she told me that. She tried to get me on her side at first and then became completely hateful. I honestly don’t want her on lovefraud because we can’t stand each other and this place is like my sanctuary. If she was here, I would not be here.
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HadEnough01 says:
ErinBrock,
Thanks for the advise. To answer your questions. I have an attorney for my divorce. I had already been talking to him before the May 4th incident. When I went to my bond hearing, my attorney had a note to the judge that I had owned the house for 11 years and Mr. G and I were married less than 30 days. Also, my mama was in the courtroom and the judge allowed her to speak. She gave a history of the unhealthy relationship. The judge also read the charges and and officer spoke. When the officer said it was a butter knife and Mr. G had a scratch, the judge said “butter knife?”. Georgia has a support group for domestic violence, its called teh Share House. A rep was in the court room with my mother. She told my mama she was there to support us. My attorney told me to file a TPO so we could get the “sob out of your house.” My attorney said once they pull Mr. G’s criminal history, he believes all the charges will go away. Mr. G has multiple felonies (including possestion of a firearm by a convicted felon) and many domestic violence charges.
I have changed my cell and home #. I do not want any contact with Mr. G. For the first time since I met him, I FEEL COMPLETELY DONE!! Im just ready for the entire mess to be done.
I appreciate the support and I find encouragement in reading other post.
Thanks again for the advise / support. I will keep you posted on the status.
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HadEnough01 says:
Also, as for the drinking. I have stopped. Nothing since the May 4th incident. And I too believe there is something not right about his obsession with the shaving bag. He is like that about his cell phone and FB account. I wasnt allowed to look at either of them. I dont have hard evidance, but I do have a gut feeling he is messing around with drugs. He goes to a local pain clinic for back pain, but he is constantly taking advil. When I asked him about this, he said he was out of pills… hummm… he just went to the dr a few day’s before. This man knows the legal system. He is working it for all it’s worth. I know the truth will come out. He tells too many lies to keep them at bay for long.
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justus5 says:
Very interesting legal stuff here. Does anyone know if hadenough is still around? Let me put my two cents in….seems if we are lost as to what to do we need to seek help from a domestic violence shelter. My stomach keeps telling me to do that, yet somehow once again I am not listening to my gut.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Justus5,
I haven’t seen this poster around any time lately, and I am on just about every day….not many posts I miss.
YOu say your stomach keeps telling you to go to a shelter! Then BABY DO IT!!! Listen to your gut!!!! But don’t waffle, once you DO IT, don’t go back!
Call the shelter hot line and talk to them at the very least. AND go ahead and gather up all your important papers for you and the kids, birth certs, school records, medical records, insurance cards, copies of tax records, social security numbers, and some CASH, vehicle titles and any other thing that is important. Put it all in a suitcase and hide it or put it at a friend’s house so if you need to make an escape you can. also 2 days clothes for each family member, tooth brushes, and other personal items like any medication. That is your GRAB AND GO bag!
Do not stay with your Partner if you are only staying there to keep a roof over your head, it isn’t worth it. Not even if you have children because your and their SAFETY is more important and there are ways and places to protect that and help you get on your feet and get a place of your own! I know it is scary with children especially, but SAFETY FIRST!!!! (((hugs)))) and God bless you and keep you safe!
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Truthspeak says:
This seemed like the best board to post on.
Will whomever is in charge kindly STOP the farking world and let me the hell OFF???? I just don’t know how much more I can take without going stark, raving mad – I mean this quite sincerely.
I made a recent discovery that has been just another blow to my already raw issues. This one involves the man that I married.
About a week ago, while tearing the house apart to find my grandmother’s silver to sell (dire financial times for everyone), I came across a curious gym bag in the closet that I share with my husband. This bag was not in the closet when we packed to evacuate during hurricane Irene. I lifted it up, and it had substance to it, so I opened it up. Inside, I found the following: 8 (or, so) hard-core BDSM DVD’s -very graphic, very disturbing; 4 fetish outfits; 3 or 4 photo and cartoon illustration books of fetish and BDSM (one titled, “Shiny Housewives”); and an open box of condoms with a couple missing.
When I confronted my husband with this, he said, “So, you found my stash.” The pit of my stomach turned to ice, I swear. He attempted to place the blame for his perversions on me and my lack of sexual interest, which I disallowed, immediately. He insisted that he had only been doing this by himself, and I told him that I didn’t believe him – I still don’t.
I couldn’t process the whole business, at the time – I just couldn’t do it. The implications of his actions with regard to our entire relationship have simply eviscerated me of any trust that I had left in humanity.
Three days after this awful discovery, I confronted him, again. This time, I was in a white-hot fury and fully prepared to choke the life out of him, and I told him so. I also told him that the only reason that I wasn’t going to follow through with my impulse was because he wasn’t worth the time that I would have to spend in prison. I ranted, raved, and he cried and cried. I mocked his whimpering and broke down nearly every event during our relationship where I had put his needs and wants before my own. I told him that I didn’t believe that I would ever be able to trust him, again, and that I was not going to be the one to work on our marriage, ever again – it was HIS turn to do some hard work. I smashed his cell phone – another source of explicit BDSM porn, and told him that I didn’t believe anything that came from his mouth – he cannot be trusted, and he will not be trusted – possibly, ever.
Needless to say, this confrontation went on for quite a while and I was hoarse from screaming at him – something that I never do. He has made appointments to be tested for STD’s (I demanded this without any promises) and for counseling with regard to his addiction(s). He canceled his cell phone account, gave me passwords to all of his email and Facebook accounts, and so forth.
Here’s my need: I do not know if I can ever recover from this most recent slam to my moral fiber. I have never, in my entire life, felt so cold and hollow. I have no love for anyone or anything, anymore. “Love” is a concept, and apparently one that I will never understand. I don’t know if my husband is a sociopath, but he’s a narcissist, to be sure. I am also sick in my soul – like I said, I don’t know that I will ever recover from this. I’m not sad. I feel mean. I feel as if anyone who presents a loving, caring, trusting, respectful relationship with someone else is in sore need of a reality check. I feel that there’s no such thing as love, on any level.
I am not depressed. I am in a state of cold, calculated fury that I am embracing, and I hate it. I hate my husband for his perverted deceptions. I hate myself for having been a fool. I hate the sunrise because it means another day of play-acting for my son’s sake – the young man has been through enough and he’s just starting to make some actual progress at putting a foot onto his own healing path. I hate that my perception of my marriage was based upon myth. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate…….
I don’t know if I want to even be a part of my husband’s healing process. It’s not my $(*&$% addiction, and I am not repsonsible for it. As it is, we must share the same house and sleep in the same bed, and I am really having a hard, hard time with this. The thought of another divorce process just makes want to puke. And, the thought of starting this just as Mike is beginning to make personal progress makes me even angrier. The fact that I cannot find employment to support myself infuriates me. The fact that I’ve been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (RheumatoidArthritis) and that I will be under a doctor’s care until the day I die makes me want to kick every cat that I see. I hate the fact that I have allowed myself to become dependent upon my husband.
Is there any hope that this marriage can be saved? It will never, ever be the same, for certain sure! That’s one of the things that my husband cried about, if anyone can believe that! He actually said, “I am SO sad because nothing will ever be the same, again.” When he said that, I actually belly-laughed myself silly – how COULD it ever be “the same?”
Right – I’ve ranted enough. I am in shock, still, and I am just moving through the days on auto-pilot. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
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ErinBrock says:
Truthspeak.
Wow….I can only imagine the blow.
I do think your response is appropriate and you ARE showing restraint.
First off…..Do not own his behaviors.
Second….only you can decide if you stay or go…..BUT I WILL advise you…..be honest with yourself. You owe it to nobody but yourself.
Stand up and count yourself and Jr important! Do not set boundaries on weather or not you ‘can’ or how hard it will or won’t be on your own. That part is do-able…..we all ‘just’ figure it out.
Let it simmer…….give yourself some space from him. Some space to let it settle and make clear decisions.
You are sounding very clear on what is acceptable behavior to you and how HE is responding to you. Pat yourself on the back. Your a strong woman. You can get through more than you can imagine…..it’s just overwhelming to think about….but NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!!
(just trying to make you smile!)
Oh and……Stay away from cats…….
Just remember…..that most of the time when someone is caught…….and enter counselling…..it’s because it was requested of them….NOT because they feel they need it.
Watch closelsy……and I’d have an exit strategy planned…..and if you decide to go….you’ll have all the documents you need to make a quick exit…..(or boot him!).
If you decide to stay….you’d of crossed that bridge of preparation.
Auto pilot is fine…….it allows emotions to creep in as you are ready.
What you feel today…….you will feel differnt tomorrow….not necesarily better….but differetn……until the better days come around. Each day is different….and you MUST hang in there darlen!!!!
Don’t let another destroy ‘who’ you know yourself to be!
We are here….continue to post for support.
Big
XXOO
EB
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20years says:
Truthspeak,
How unspeakably difficult. EB is right — prepare an exit strategy in advance, in case that is what you choose to do (or, it is a matter of time. perhaps). This is a time of watching closely and sorting out the truth from the lies.
The feelings of anger and hatred… totally normal. No fun, though. When someone treats you outrageously, the understandable response is outrage. There is time for release and acceptance and peace and love, later on in your process. It is OK to feel empty and on auto-pilot. Been there. It does get better. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. That is what shock will do to a person.
It’s especially difficult — I mean x1000 or whatever — because of your concern for your child’s wellbeing. Economic difficulties and health problems only compound the bind you are in.
Keep venting or whatever you must do. You are in very good company here.
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skylar says:
truthspeak,
Unfortunately, this type of behavior rarely stands alone. It’s usually part of a pattern of spath traits. For your sake, I hope not, but be prepared.
You are right, you don’t own his behavior, it has nothing to do with you. That said, you are responsible for your own behavior and it sounds like you need to start focusing on you, making your life better and learning about you.
As Oxy says, “some people are blessings and others are lessons”. Find the lesson.
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Louise says:
skylar:
I love what Oxy says, too. That is soooo true. The lessons. What a beautiful statement. I have learned a lot of them in this past year.
Truthspeak:
I truly don’t even know what to say except my heart goes out to you big time.
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darwinsmom says:
truthspeak,
So sorry about where you are now. Though you are in shock, though you hate to hate, you have clarity of mind. Use it! If your husband is spathic then the clarity of mind you have right now will seek for retrospect red flags and will discover them. I can’t advize you about your marriage or your husband… but I can advize you that whatever the outcome, it is time to think of yourself. You’ve been hurt tremendously, and neither the marriage or husband can heal it… only you can
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ElizabethBennett says:
truthspeak-I am so sorry that you had to go through that kind of deception. You have a right to be angry and you should be worried about protecting yourself and your child. It almost seems like he wanted you to find that bag-that it was exciting to him to be on the verge of getting caught, and it’s so disturbing that he had such a nonchalant way of responding to it-like it was no big deal. So typical of a spath to try to blame his problem on you. You are so much in shock right now-a horrible feeling, like you were hit over the head with a giant rock.
Keep venting on here because you are going to need the support.
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Truthspeak says:
I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement and Truth. Some of the Truth is hard for me to take, but there’s no rule that requires Truth to always be warm and fuzzy.
I have never felt so mean, hateful, and furious in my lifetime. This is what it’s come down to: I am stripped of any rational thought or feeling and all that I once was (or, thought I was) has been replaced with this burning fury and contempt. I do not know how to process any of this, or the implications that this all points to.
ElizabethBennett, it is interesting that you mention that he seemed to be getting off on the risk of discovery. For months, a couple of thumb-drives had been laying on the counter. After I found the bag, I plugged them both in. One just had his writing projects on it, and the other had hundreds (literally) of various women in fetish costumes. Some of the images were hard-core, and all were obviously amateur. I have those in my keeping, as well.
As far as an exit strategy goes, HE will be leaving, not me. This is MY domain that I paid for with MY money and MY trust – this is MY house and studio that I love, and he can just kiss my fat, lily-white ass and crawl under a rock, for all I care. I told him that I had already been through one divorce, and that he would be lucky if I left him with a toothbrush if I chose that option. I am leaning more towards divorce – almost falling in that direction. And, I’m falling towards a divorce with the intention of never, ever allowing another romantic/love-based relationship, again. The 4% estimate of sociopaths running around among the living is not accurate, in my opinion. I would estimate the average at about 20%.
I don’t WANT to give him a chance to fix himself! I don’t OWE him that privilege!!!! He doesn’t DESERVE to walk away from this fraudulent marriage with anything other than the clothing off his back! I hate what he did, and I hate him for simply breathing while my whole perception of Life and myself have been jackhammered to pieces.
As far as how I’m managing this, I’m not doing well. I’m NOT coping. I’m NOT processing this. I’m fearful to take a single step in any direction – I am surrounded by a minefield of emotional and financial triggers that I cannot manage, by any means. I don’t know if counseling is an option – I’ve BEEN in counseling and it’s alwasy been a monotonal affair where I’m just talking it out. I need (and, want) answers and direction, and I’m not able to provide either for myself, yet.
Everything that I wanted to be has been reduced to a core of hate and fury. I only have ever wanted to be content, peaceful, and to feel some sense of purpose. Now, I want to inflict as much pain in any fashion upon the spusband that he has visited upon me through his own actions. “Mistakes” are one thing – we ALL make mistakes and hurt people when we don’t mean to. But, taking calculated risks to perpetrate a fraud is a deliberate, conscious exercise, and I just want to curb-stomp this man into oblivion.
To clarify, my son is 21 and was raised by his abusive/neglectful father. “Mike,” my son, was also victimized by his spath (diagnosed) brother who took every penny of inheritance from him and left him destitute. Mike is beginning to form little buds upon his emotional tree of life, and he’s beginning to realize many Truths about himself and his past. It’s not easy, but he’s taking the steps on his own. He is a 21 year old man with the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old. And, he’s realizing that he’s talented, likeable, and has value. He has experienced SO much damage – from his father’s view of women to his brother’s abuse of religion and money, and everything in between. My concern for Mike is that one more blow could be enough to just destroy the baby steps that he’s taken with me (NOT “us,” but ME).
At any rate, I thank you all for your help. I have 3 friends in Real Life that I have any level of trust in, and this site has been a lifesaver for me in the past. I thank you, Donna, for building a safe place from the ashes of your own experiences – I don’t even dare to imagine where (or, HOW) I would be, today, if I hadn’t found this site when I did.
Brightest blessings upon you all.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
The other day there was a thread talking about general misogyny among men and after a couple of incidents last night, I need to take a more negative view.
I mentioned that being a gay male perhaps insulated me from seeing such behavior. Last night, I met a relatively new straight male friend at a local straight bar for a beer. He was there 10 minutes, looked over at table of women and said “4 cows and only one pretty one, what a shame…”
Not only was I somewhat shocked by his comment, I chuckled to myself that from my perspective, he was not exactly a prize. I also caught a couple of comment from the guys next to us that were similarly misogynic.
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skylar says:
BBE
Thank you for that validation.
Women are viewed as cows, trophies, meal tickets, or beards. These guys can never value us as human beings. If they encounter a Guy who does genuinely love a woman,they call him pussy whipped in in order to shame him from that value.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Truthspeak,
Did you post here under another name previous to this current name? Your story sounds so familiar to me…but then again, they are ALL pretty familiar….like they came out of the same “play book.”
I can understand and empathize with you with your RAGE at being betrayed in such a “nasty” and “disgusting” way….. and right now not even thinking you can EVER trust another man in a love relationship. Those are NORMAL, AND NATURAL FEELINGS and to be EXPECTED when you find out about such things.
As far as believing him—-I’m with Sky, this is most likely the TIP of the ice berg and as far as him copping to the ENTIRE TRUTH, ain’t gonna happen, and as far as him going to therapy and “healing”—well, frankly I have never seen anyone who got “forced” into therapy because they got caught profit from it. But who knows, maybe pigs will learn to sing and fly!
As for your son, you “saving” that SHAM MARRIAGE by helping this guy “heal” is not going to be beneficial to your son in any way that I can see.
DONT make any decisions on a mad rant though….maybe you can separate from him for a while and with the NO contact for some days or weeks, get your head together and make a logical and rational decision rather than an emotional one. God bless!
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Truthspeak says:
OxD, I used to post under the ID of “Buttons.”
I’m just ready to end the whole thing, right now. And, I’m trying to prevent myself from giving him any leeway. One of my friends in Real Life is a psychologist and we don’t practice psychology together, as a rule, but we’ve talked enough about sociopathy over the past 7 years to know one another quite well. She’s telling me to get some separation and let things move as they will, also.
What I wish is not what I have, here. I wish that I could believe that he was sincere in wanting to get help, but I know that there would be NO world hunger if wishes were fishes. So….I have to bide my time and get my head clear.
I believe that a divorce is inevitable, and I mean to take no prisoners, this time around.
My belief that I’ll not involve myself with another man in a romantic manner is based upon common sense for myself. It’s not that I hate men or anything like that. There are men out there who are stable and so forth, but I’m not in the market for that. I’m in the market to get ME squared away. For the first time in my life, I’m going to come first in my life, and I’m not going to hold punches or acquiesce on any level to appease any other human being.
Once again, thank you so much for the support. I sure do need it, right now.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Truthspeak,
Yea, I agree we have to get OURSELVES in order, before we can have a healthy relationship. I fell for the “love bomb” of the psychopathic creep because I was so needy and felt old, fat, undesirable (etc) after my husband died.
I’m 7 years older now, but don’t feel so “needy” and realize that I am OKAY without a love relationship with anyone except myself.
I hope you can take the advice of your friend, and get some “space”or “distance” between you and this rage (righteous rage in my opinion!) you feel and then make your decision.
God bless. I do remember you posting under “Buttons” and I’m glad that you are still here. LF as you know is a great place for support and for learning and knowledge. (((hugs))))
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ErinBrock says:
Truthspeak!!!
HI, HI, HI!!!!! I’m so sorry about this realization for you…..
I do remember your story…..and how hard it is for Mike. On an ‘up’ note….I’m glad he’s making progress. My Jr is too…….and yes….they do have emotional immaturity.
I will tell you…..I’ve found that we just can’t protect them, and they handle it a whole lot better than we think. I had a situation recently and this jr said….Mom…..I knew it all along. One of my fears was for a setback for him,just as he’s making big strides……YIKES….I was the one with the setback.
You don’t have to move in ANY directions right now…..just stand still or pivot. Steps can come later.
As hurt as you are…..you are sounding STRONG and like you have a plan. Hold onto that!
Protect yourself in case of a divorce…..and remember….loose lips sink ships…..say NOTHING to hubby! NOTHING……if you decided to file…..you can blindside him right back.
I’m sending you big hugs darlen….I’m glad you came back here to LF…..but I sure wish it was under better circumstances for you!
XXOO
EB
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moveingon says:
Dear Truthspeak
I am so sorry, but your spath meant you to find those things. My spath hid bin bags of unopened mail in our garage, my father found them all, mainly unpaid bills and tax demands. I was scared, furious and kicked him out. I did what any normal person would do to protect my children and home and sorted it all out. That was a mistake, he could not careless. I’m sorry but it probably is the tip of an iceberg, my heart goes out to you.
Do not take responsibility, its not your problem and you know that anyway. Your only responsibility is Mike, my children have also suffered probate fraud and deception by my now thankfully ex mother in law; she will shortly be arrested as in the UK it is a criminal offence. I have waited 2 years, and now have all the evidence I need as do the police.
Take care of you and Mike, you are clearly one feisty lady, think very carefully about how, when and what you do and cover all bases; they are evil scum and care for no one but themselves. Timing is crucial, and I have learnt the hard way, under no circumstances whether in a rage or not, tell them or even hint at what your plans are. Gather every bit of evidence and sit on it if you have to; they always make mistakes.
Take care, and believe me I could easily have done my ex husband serious damage. I used to hate it, now I look at the creep, always in court and think what a fat, ugly old to**ser it is. After 6 years of on-going litigation I know the rules of engagement; watch, wait, gather your evidence and then go straight for the jugular when they least expect it.
Take care.
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superkid10 says:
Truthspeak
You must have a story, and a pattern, that brought you to LF before this most recent discovery of yours.
I’m with whomever said “find the lesson”.
I encourage you to put space between the two of you, and start sorting this out. Get into counseling on your own.
I also say that people don’t change their colors. They just don’t.
My heart goes out to you. I am still raging with rage about my spath. And I’m raging with rage that I have RAGE. What an endless circle.
HUGS.
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Truthspeak says:
Just a brief update on the situation – the spouse has gotten bloodwork done and has begun his counseling. He has also begun speaking about the damage that he’s caused, on his own.
Having said this, I am keeping my distance and just watching as EB and OxD have suggested – tigers cannot change their stripes, and I’m done with trying to sort things out for other people. This is about my survival and that of Mike’s.
The hatred is settling into an undercurrent of mistrust, on every level. What he says and what he does are two different things. We’ll see what goes forth, here.
At the moment, I posted about the studio environment and, given all that I’ve experienced in the past 3 years, the studio stuff is almost comical since the New Face flew into a verbal rage and everyone heard it. Still and yet, it’s just one more reminder that the 4% Sociopath Rule is probably incorrect: I’d go for 20-30%!
Oy-VEY!!!!
Thank you, everyone! The support and encouragement is so appreciated, but being validated is most important to me, these days. I feel valid, finally.
HUGS and all that stuff.
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skylar says:
Truthspeak,
you spoke the truth: 20-30% spath and another 60% fence sitters who can go either way depending on the current that day.
We, the empaths are a very very small minority and it’s up to us to start setting a new trend, different from the culture today, based on the sensibilities of compassion and truth, with a large dose of knowledge about spaths and the red flags.
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superkid10 says:
Truthspeak
I want to caution you about two things.
You’re giving him a second chance. It’s just an observation.
He’s doing “bloodwork” but not you?
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Truthspeak says:
It’s done. I found an email that he sent to his “Mistress Beatrice” about rescheduling something with her.
I made a HUGE mistake and did something horrible – found the email on Wednesday afternoon, and seethed all day until he got home. Son went out with a friend, and the man said to me, “I’ve really had the shakes, all day.”
I answered, “Did Mistress Beatrice call you at work, then?” His face drained of color, and he began saying that the email was “all mind games.” Once he said that, I went into a complete rage and beat the crap out of him.
Long story short….I’ve been charged with Aggravated Assault and I am 100% responsible for my actions. I have never been in such a fury in my entire life – not even with the exspath, and if I could take back my actions, I would.
However, this has cemented the divorce. He left, took his stuff, the computer, and is now gone. There is NO HOPE for salvaging this, and I didn’t ever really believe that there was. None of his lies made any sense.
He did NOT tell our doctor about his addiction – only that he was “addicted to technology” and that I believed that he had been having an affair.
STD testing for me on Monday, along with consultation with Divorce Atty. Domestic Violence defense attorney on Tuesday.
I feel as if I have been completely eviscerated. I am horrified and ashamed of my violence – this is NOT who I am!!!!
I can’t check the boards, anymore, unless I go the the library, but I’ll try to get here a couple of times per week.
I don’t know how I’m going to get through this – even the doctor said the he would NEVER have pegged my husband as a bondage freak. Oh, my….so many clever frauds out there, and HE can now be added to the list!
Thank you, everyone. Brightest blessings.
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Louise says:
Truthspeak:
Wow, sorry that had to happen, but he deserved it!! So sorry though that you are now facing charges
See, they never change. I am glad you are divorcing his ass. Sorry, I hope it doesn’t sound like I am making light of the situation because I am not. But I think this is actually a victory for you.
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skylar says:
Truthspeak,
I don’t want to insult you or offend you in anyway, but I saw this coming from your first post about him. In it you described your rage.
I am not condemning or judging your anger. It is completely justified. But having been on this blog for 2 years, I’ve read many instances of similar behavior by spath husbands and your account of your feelings really stood out for me. Most people do not describe their feelings of overwhelming anger the way that you did. Yes, we all feel the outrage but it is tempered with something else. Something I don’t have words for.
What I have noticed, from all the stories here, is that the spaths seem to slime us with how they want us to feel. Someone who has always trusted, ends up with no faith in humanity. Someone who has always been independent, ends up feeling helpless. Someone who has always had moral integrity, begins to question the point of morality when all the evil spaths seem to win. And so on…
In your case, your spath likes bondage and being dominated. And what did you do? You beat the crap out of him…
Do you see the irony? There isn’t going to be a quick answer for you. He has targeted something in you and you will have to examine who you are and what you feel, without fear. I think you can do it. I sense you are a strong woman.
((hugs))
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moveingon says:
Hi all, back to court today ..the spath was ambushed by the judge ..
We met up in court (again) with regards to my application for tertiary education costs for my daughter as per an existing court order which of curse its ignored!
The spath is ‘extreme’ he uses false addresses and even writes letters to Judges using these false addresses. Unfortunately for the spath, I obtained a copy of his real address from companies house, a flat in Bath around the corner from the now ex wife; he is still with her, I have evidence. He forgot to mention she divorced him, and when he sat there with his wedding ring on in December 2010 the decree nisi was already issued, by January 6th 2011 he was divorced; he forgot to mention that bit when udner oath on the 20th January 2011. A quickie divorce to stop me getting at her assets …extreme or what! I had already sent in bailiffs who she hit, they called the police; the bailiffs had tracked him down to his ‘real’ address.
Today the judge has ordered him to hand over the family partnership income details which of course he is not going to do. So I wrote to the family accountants last week and to put things into context enclosing a copy of the judgment he was handed down in March 2011 detailing all his lies ..he was livid today ..I could not even get a word out of my mouth before he went off on one. I could not even answer direct questions from the judge; he could not shut up. He is of course still trying to avoid child maintenance for my son ..they say insanity is doing the same thing over, and over again and expecting a different result!
Best of all, he is back before the very judge he lied to under oath for another full days hearing; he visibly wilted; and even took a breath before continuing his ranting. The Judge warned him about his vexatious litigation against me. The judge told the spath, ‘judges make their judgments based on the evidence given by the applicant (i.e. get it weirdo) ..and not accusations’!!!
He is apparently going to apply for an injunction because I took him to court …Judge told him ..’no you took Mrs x to court’ ..the idiot ‘no I didn’t’ the judge ‘yes you did’ …how thick can anyone be????
Ambushed by his own lies ..lets hope he can remember where he has been living for the last 3 years (he claimed he couldn’t remember under oath)! He told the judge previously ‘what do you know, your just a woman’ ..well that woman judge is back; lets see how clever he is this time around faced with evidence of his lies!
He was still ranting when I left the court room; a complete spath. he’s already been told he is going to lose ..the venom and bitterness ..apparent even for the judge to see and all about revenge ..nothing to do with the matter in hand; the children who he hasn’t seen in years!
So Truthspeak, be careful and look after you ..you deserve rest and peace ..I used to rage ..now I work slowly and methodically and am always one step ahead. Spaths hate to be exposed, and he is one very dangerous indiviudal who absolutely hates me, is eaten up with jealousy and revenge ..it will be his downfall.
Great day ..can’t wait for the full days hearing ..or his next move; I am on my guard.
(((hugs to everyone))) and yes TOWANDA to me!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Truthspeak,
I’m sorry that your rage went so far, but I think Skylar has a point–he pushed you into “hurting” him, and you fell for the trap he laid. It happens, and later we feel so stupid for being ambushed and side swiped, and blind sided…but get over it, forgive yourself! (and I know, forgiving ourselves is the hardest part to do!) God bless. (((hugs))))
Moving on! Good for you and TOWANDA! What a piece of carp!
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callmeathena says:
Truthspeak
I am hopeful for you.
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Constantine says:
Truthspeak,
He sounds like a contemptible little Gollum of a man, and I can hardly fault you for kicking his ass. Having an affiar with “Mistress Beatrice” is so pathetic that, even if you techincally went a little overboard on him, I can’t bring myself to judge you for it.
Nevertheless, for a professional woman, having a criminal record is no small matter – it could seriously hinder you down the road. I only mention it because, contrary to the usual NC advice, this is potentially a case where you might consider using whatever tools there are at your disposal to keep him from pressing charges. Of course, it’s better to lose everything than to take him back – by no means should you even think of that. But perhaps there is a “Machiavellian” compromise where you could (fake) apologize – or something – simply as a means of keeping this out of the courts.
I haven’t really thought this through, so maybe I’m totally off base here; and therefore take it for what it’s worth. Maybe others have suggestions along the same lines. But, again, even ONE criminal blot on a person’s record can be devastating – especially if you have worldly aspirations, etc.; so I’m just saying to think of ways that you might still get out of this. (Not real “appeasement,” of course, let alone reconciliation: just enough BS until he cools down and drops the charges.)
Anyone else feel free to correct me – I could be totally wrong on this. But I do think the criminal issue here is serious, and needs to be taken into account.
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bluejay says:
Truthspeak,
Sorry that your buttons were pushed to the extreme. I had the thought that all the things that others have done to you in your lifetime (where you were mistreated) could have triggered the emotional response, ending up by beating “the crap out of him” (your husband). I feel badly that you have criminal charges pending against you, but I don’t feel sorry for your husband. In the end, I pray that everything works out for you. Peace.
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Ox Drover says:
Constantine, and Truthspeak, I agree with Connie, the criminal charges aspect of this could have terrible consequences for truthspeak down the road….but I think that the psychopath ENGINEERED THIS from the get go. Provoking Truthspeak to violence, and violence is what he likes, right?! I have read somewhere (can’t remember where) that in an S & M relationship the M party is really the one in CONTROL….and we know the psychopath is all about control don’t we?
I’d get on the attorney Monday morning, Truthspeak and see if you can’t get these charges dropped or at least plead down to a lesser charge than DV. Just the arrest record will be bad enough on your “record.” God bless.
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Constantine says:
Oxy, Truthspeak,
The attorney is crucial at this point. But also keep in mind that a defense lawyer could have a possible bias here against settling this on your own. (i.e., since if you do that he won’t get paid!) So I would suggest taking whatever advice he may give you very seriously, but also considering any other possible options for keeping this out of the legal system. (As long as none of them involve taking him back. Though even there you could make vague promises about “marriage counseling,” and so forth, just to give him false hope until he cools down – and thus hopefully prevent him from prosecuting this. Not that you would ever go for real, of course!)
Just some thoughts. Of course, I suppose technically wives shouldn’t beat up their husbands (and maybe I am guilty of a double standard here), but I’m too much of a traditional male to feel anything but that he had it coming!
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Ox Drover says:
Constantine,
What is “sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose.”
Your double standard surprises me Connie! LOL But yesterday I was laughing my arse off at some very sexist jokes aimed at downing women, so I too am guilty as charged with sexism! LOL
I think though, given Truth’s Husband’s proclivity for S&M that the whole thing was a SET UP to provoke her into physically responding so that he could PLAY THE VICTIM like a trump card!
Psychopaths are very good at playing the victim, and oh, how I have had experience in that aspect of the “psychopathic game.”
The usual “smear campaign” is SOP (standard operating procedure) with the psychopathic game and the provoking the REAL victim into losing it and “acting out” is also part of the game. I’ve been there and done that myself! I got so angry I threatened to hire an attorney and fight my son’s parole hearing! DUH! gave away my trump card! SHOT OFF MY MOUTH! and very nearly put my fish in my DIL’s lying psychopathic mouth! Funny thing is I have NEVER been in a “fight” in my life, though I’ve been BEATEN up a time or two! LOL BUT OH HOW I WANTED TO HIT HER IN THE MOUTH! I think it was just the grace of God that I refrained, but it sure wasn’t because I didn’t WANT to hit her, to beat her teeth out! I did SAY some pretty ugly things though!
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moveingon says:
Hi all, I have a criminal record for ‘harassment’, £200 fine, off my record in 2 years. I plead guilty for only one reason to protect my children, back then I was naive. I had never even had a speeding ticket. Please do not underestimate the court system (I have), they are not stupid and when the evidence was put before the court the magistrates ‘wished me luck’. Courts operate to a system and a tariff; that is essentially it. They wear you down spaths to destroy you as a person.
Truthspeak, please do not worry, yes you hit him, provoked. All I can tell you is this; stay true to yourself, yes its horrible, but you can let it impact your life going forward (his aim), or you can accept you did something wrong take the punishment and move on. The court system is just that, you are a number, in, out; they don’t care ..
I have as Oxy put it succinctly ‘shot off my mouth’; I say nothing now, I watch the spath shout off its mouth. Yesterday he stated in court ‘my daughter is thick, she needs to get a job, she is wasting her time at university and will not get a job when she finishes her degree in physics’, he continued ‘she needs to get a job’. Logic out the window.
I watched the judge’s face change, to utter disgust. I was called a whore, a child abuser, a fraudster etc; I sat there, didn’t say a word; I get it; I finally get it; they could not careless about his rantings. The more he shot off his mouth, the worst it got ..for him! All hearings are taped; big mistake!
Truthspeak, maybe you did wrong, under extreme stress; I tell my children one thing ..’in the scheme of life, is it worth it’, detach, detach, detach. You are not starving, you are alive, you are free, you are wonderful and you will be again. You might get a criminal record, you might not; life is a bitch sometimes I am not the same person I was and I will never be; I’m actually better!
The spath is even going to get an injunction out on me ..what for ..abiding by court directions; hiding to nothing ..let him waste his money ..they really hate being exposed. The judge told him ..off you go then ..he knew exactly what the to**er was; they see and hear this carp everyday, year in year out.
Truthspeak/Buttons (hugs).
Oxy, Skylar ..who will never know how much you have helped me ..and this site ..thanks Donna.
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skylar says:
Movingon,
it makes the crap I went through more bearable knowing that I can help someone else because of it. Your forbearance is inspiring.
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darwinsmom says:
I’m sorry that you felt like you broke your own boundaries, but it’s not very surprising. My spath could get my blood boiling like no other, meanwhile tempting the blood from under my nails in several ways. I kicked stuff, hit and stomped on the floor, and called him names a very few times. I didn’t recognize myself. I never ever called someone names or hit stuff in the company of others. He just kept pushing and pushing until the fuse went off and I turned into a fury. After it happened a few times I really started to be frightened of myself and wondered whether one day I’d not end up hitting him. However, luckily for myself,, because of those few times I learned to disengage and just lock my mouth and ears, which drove him nuts. But if I hadn’t, I might have in fact ended up hitting him for his verbal onslaught of word salad.
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moveingon says:
Hi Skylar, yes getting there, anger gone, focus on what’s important, don’t care what happens to the sh*t. He is particularly angry because he has been exposed ..all legit of course ..I have learnt my lesson. No rantings, ravings, cool ..evidence ..added spice ..bailiffs report ..it’s true, it happened ..wtf ..all 3rd party stuff. Don’t like the consequences ..don’t give me the evidence ..simple really!
The spath is playing out some alleged suicide nephew pity me ploy, can’t pay maintenance off looking for the body, every weekend. Lets hope his family know what his excuse is ..because they are about to find out ..its sick, sick, sick.
It rants and raves ..plays into my hands every time. I know my story is tepid, mild compared to some ..but hey I am now like ice. Funny, I have had 2 people contact me recently wanting reconnection ..I have ignored them ..why ..because I am now so very cautious. I have had such fun lately, danced in a hotel with work colleagues (merry), stole a traffic cone (drunk by this stage), met a film crew ..they all love Judi Dench etc, Donald Sutherland (grumpy he was giving up smoking)!
I’ve got my zest back ..and mainly thanks to you guys and I mean that, no bs, this website has been my lifesaver, and I have been at the ‘suicide’ thoughts ..
Thanks again Skylar …wherever you are in the US ..thank you. x
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moveingon says:
Darwinsom, I sat in court in December 2010 and again in January 2011, I had to block the spath out, I pressed my fingers to my ears to keep its rantings out and wrote a shopping list. The judge watched me; the spath was trying to provoke me, the judge knew ..I said nothing for 14 minutes and 23 seconds while he ranted at me in court. At the time ..I thought why don’t they stop him ..he demonstrated, he is a bully, a liar and a maniac!
He did the same thing in March and again yesterday ..the only thing I have done, is change my response ..he has NO control over me whatsoever ..and spaths hate losing the control to hurt, wound, distress ..they lose all power the moment you disengage ..taken me a long time ..but being called a whore, child abuser etc …loses impact ..just words, I simply don’t care! That is the point when you finally know ..you are free ..when you simply don’t care any more! My theory anyway!
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purewaters3 says:
Truthspeak,
Sorry to hear about your husband’s stash. Sounds like a really unhealthy situation there… my only advice would be to make sure you’re protecting yourself during sex. There are diseases STD’s that fly under the radar and won’t show up on standard tests. Certain viral tests for Herpes/HPV/Mycoplasmas, etc. aren’t standard tests, and the specialized tests aren’t very reliable anyways.
My worst nightmare (other than being with a sociopath) was being married to someone I fully trusted and being infected with a std from a cheating spouse. I’ve heard stories like that enough times to question how smart it is to not use protection always (even in a marriage).
Good luck!
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Truthspeak says:
Update on the situation.
I have been in a horrible state since last Wednesday – saw our Doc, and told him everything including the assault. When he asked why I thought that he had been cheating, I reminded him of the sickpath’s bag of tricks and HIS testing for STD’s. Doc said that he only mentioned that he he was “addicted to technology,” and nothing more. Sickpath’s story was that the Doc “didn’t want to know about” the nature of the contents – I KNEW better when the words came out of his mouth! Any doctor worth their salt needs to know even the most lurid details to provide the best course of actions.
Doc prescribed Xanax for “extreme anxiety.” I have been triggering back to the previous marriage issues, the stalker issues, and now this. I hate that I have to take these, for now, but it keeps me from sobbing all day and experiencing nightmares.
Yesterday, divorce attorney with news that I didn’t like: NJ “no fault.” How can the ruin of a marriage be “no fault?” Oh, well – this is the law.
Yesterday, also, I was served with a petition for a restraining order. I broke down, AGAIN – I haven’t even contacted him since the incident and HE called on Sunday and said, “Hello. Sickpath, here, and I want to discuss bills, and bills ONLY.” I answered that my attorney would be handling that. He asked who she was, and I responded, “You’ll be hearing from her.” I ended the call, then.
I don’t WANT to see him, stalk him, converse, contact his employer, talk to his friends, etc……..I just want this over and I am so sick for my assault. I’m seeing a defense attorney, today – he must be CRAZY to want this discussed in Court! I’m not excusing my behavior, at all. BUT for the fact that he’s been living this depraved double life, there never would have BEEN an “incident!”
And, yes – he DID set me up to end the marriage. He didn’t have the courage to tell the Truth, and I didn’t have the nerve or courage to end it, myself.
I’m frightened of the criminal aspects, here, and I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future. Disabled, sick, PSTD, no job, no money……….BUT – the one thing that I do have is proof that MY inheritance paid for real estate. Checks with only MY NAME on them.
I still do not have internet access, and I’m using a public system, right now. I wish that I DID have access, I would have this site during the long, terrifying nights.
SO……my schedule is this:
Today – defense atty
Tomorrow – counselor
Friday – PAP (already had bloodwork drawn for STDs)
Next week – hearing for restraining order
Later in the month – criminal hearing
I may be down, but I’m going to survive this and become a much wiser person for it. I will never “love” again – not ever, and I’m just fine with that. I am just attempting to deal with the terror and grief. That, too, will sort itself out in time.
GOD LOVE YOU ALL – thank you for your support and encouragement.
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callmeathena says:
Truthspeak
HUGS.
I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through.
You sound like one hell of a survivor. You have a great plan, and you sound committed and you haven’t lost your marbles.
I am hopeful for you that you’re going to end up in a much much better place.
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Ox Drover says:
Truthspeak,
I’m sorry you are going through this horrible amount of pain, fear, anxiety and trauma.
You will survive! Hang in there, keep on reading….being good to yourself and whatever your faith is, lean on it! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
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Truthspeak says:
So….I have traveled back in time and searched financial records, the emotional language throughout the marriage, and the violent crisis that sent him out.
Since 2004, the husbspath drained my entire inheritance and the clues were there, all along. Not about the double life or his hatred of women, but the emotional distance, lack of empathy and remorse was there – I just chose not to see it, or to excuse it on his horrid mother. The finances were, to a degree, my own fault because I trusted him.
The one personal epiphany that I did have was that my choice to end it was a “good decision.” The minute that I saw the contents of his vile bag of tricks was when it was over. I waited to see just how bad he was in, but I knew that there would never be a healing of that relationship. The very thought of touching him, under any circumstances, caused me to experience a physical, visceral reaction that was beyond description. Repulsion, overwhelming fear, anger, fury, and incredulity were a constant vortex of emotion. And, I was lying awake throughout the nights to make sure that I didn’t touch him, even by accident.
He is utterly repulsive and despicable, and he did not deserve the “second chance” to “make it up” to me. When he asked me how I was feeling, I answered, “Why are you even asking me that, NOW?” His answer (and, I quote), “Because I HAVE to.”
Sociopath. Deviant. And, I am grateful that I am rid of him.
My present issue is coping with this overwhelming anxiety about the criminal issue. I am not managing this extreme fear and I have to trust an attorney that sees The Law and not what led up to my crisis. My counselor is attempting to teach me how to forgive myself and work on my “shame core,” but it’s very slow going, and I am so fearful that I’m not able to see beyond the next five minutes, let alone up to (and, beyond) this hearing.
Would the husbspath actually go forward with his complaint in an attempt to ruin what’s left of my life?! Does he not realize that doing so would mean that he would have to pay even MORE?
My recommendation to all men and women out there is this: KEEP YOUR OWN FINANCIAL ISSUES SEPARATE FROM YOUR PARTNER’S OR SPOUSE’S!!!! People with partners who are not in a legal, binding contract of marriage – co-mingling of funds and allowing access to YOUR funds can be the biggest mistake, of all. Trusting someone, completely (as I did) with your well-being is giving THEM control over your very life.
This shall pass, I know. I intend to emerge from this, not just survive. I survived my first marriage and never healed. THIS TIME, it’s about finding ME!
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS and TOWANDA!!!!
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the phoenix says:
Truthspeak- You will find your way and when the day comes that you truly love yourself and no other, the man of your dreams may just show up at your door. Or not, but either way, you will love yourself. What more do you need? Go forth, be happy and live life to the fullest.
And thank you for posting your story here. If you hadn’t and the others hadn’t commented today I may not have found this post with the Awesome information it contains!
TOWANDA!
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