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I think your responses and triggers are pretty normal.

Even when the past relationship was with a normal, healthy individual, but didn’t work out, it is very common to start having dreams about the ex when you enter a new relationship for example. This happens even when you have completely moved on. No matter how much you work on yourself and heal by yourself, the last of the insecurities the prior relationship created within you can only be healed through experiencing reassurements in a new relationship. Most of those internal, hidden little wounds are then solved in dreaming of the ex, and often confuses the dreamer that they start to wonder whether they still have feelings for their ex-partner. Not really… it’s just healing the last that needed to be healed, and the new relationship triggers the need to heal it.

The above is for ‘normal’ past relationships. We did not just experience the loss of a relationship that was over… we experienced almost constant trauma, deception, stress, blaming and gaslighting. We were betrayed and deceived as deeply and totally as a human can be betrayed. Our trust has been massively wounded. Even when we healed very well and enjoy life again, feel we can function again and are confident… a new relationship will trigger the need to heal the last, that can only be healed through a trusting relationship, just as with a normal ex- relationship… but the triggers will be stronger, because the scar is just so much bigger.

This is one of the reasons that people need time before getting involved again. And spath victims need it even more. I know for myself I’m far from ready to willingly step into a new relationship, because I know I would be massively triggered, and I’m not ready to handle those kind of triggers on top of rebuilding my life. I had one intimate encounter since the past 7 months, and while there was nothing wrong with the guy, it was a night where I acted on hyperstress. I showered compulsively, I was grumpy to be woken up, and when something wasn’t where I thought I left it (because I had already stowed is safely away), the poor guy was almost half interrogated by me.

You know for yourself how much you healed already before having this new relationship and how strong you are now to handle the triggers. If he’s a stable, healthy individual, he’ll be able to understand and reassure you. With each reassurement, your triggers will slowly resolve themselves.

Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with you for being triggered. Just make sure that the triggers are from old wounds, and not by red flags. Don’t use the ‘its normal that I’m triggered’ to excuse red flag behaviour away.

Good luck!

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Being able to see the red flags is the number one priority in keeping us safe. I think the second one is knowing what to do, when you realize you’ve encountered one: show no emotion. Channel a gray rock until they slither away.

If you want to, you can tell us more about your BF and maybe we can see if there are red flags that you might have missed. You have to take it from there and decide if he is worthy of you – and you of him, as well.

Alex, I’m glad you are finding relief from the physical symptoms. Those physical symptoms are a hurdle to overcome. Time brings relief as well. I think every 6 months or so, I get more strength, though I’ve had to fight for every ounce of it. It’s a Godsend.

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But most significantly, I;m in a new relationship. He’s a very nice man, and I’ve been VERY happy. But the problem is: whenever I get happy, I start having panic attacks and something akin to flashbacks — I’m so afraid this man will turn on me like the last one did. (The psycho turned on me after he was certain that I was truly “in love” with him. That was when the abuse started.) Anyway, so now I’m in a happy relationship and scared it’ll turn. There is nothing to indicate this — my new boyfriend is actually very social: he has lots of friends, has a normal family (he’s a widower), people LIKE him, and everyone tells me he’s a great guy. This past week, I confessed to my new male friend why I was having panic attacks. And now I”m afraid he’s going to decide I’m too big of a risk and leave me. Well, he hasn’t indicated that, but I’m still so afraid of it.

So I thought I’d turn to my old friends at LoveFraud, and see what advice you might give — has anyone had these kinds of problems in new relationships? How can one deal with them. I really want this to work, and I think it can. The man has said he wants to to last for a long time. So do I. But I’m so afraid I’m going to mess up!

Any advice? I really do appreciate your help!

LoveFraud was the place that helped me, two years ago, identify what was happening to me, and gave me the power to pull out. I’m really happy to see you’re still helping folks –

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IMO it does not just show what a perv your ex spath is, but also how weak. The easiest prey to manipulate and dominate sexually are teen girls. Feeling accepted and regarded as a grown up who can do grown up activities is first on their mind, so they are often prone to appease. Plus without sexual experience they are most likely to think someting is wrong with themselves, instead of the partner: they have no experience to compare it with to begin with.

I reckon it was rough and hard to relive it as you did yesterday, but you turned it into some productive and gained a better perspective, perhaps painful but clearer. It wasn’t you. He was the sick bastard.

I remember an Italian guy I had a crush on when I was 16. He was 21. He realized this soon and started to seduce me. What I did not truly know was that he was also fooling around with an older English girl (she must have been 20-21 or something) who followed him around like a bitch in heat. I refused to copulate, but he taught me to do a blow job. And to be honest, I hadn’t really been ready for that yet. My parents kinda knew what must have been going on, and whereas I had no nighttime to be in my tent on the campsite in Italy prior to being with him, they suddenly decided I had to be in my tent by 3am the latest. What they didn’t know was that I also snuck again, but ok. They also told me where the condoms were in the caravan and reminded me that they hoped I would choose a man who I loved and whom I felt deserved it for my first time… they reminded me that I had to feel I was ready for it. That reminder was enough for me not to allow it to go any further than it did. However, he one time had me do the blow job at 3 am near a bathroom block. If anyone had gone there in the middle night, they would have caught us. And afterwards I felt forced, manipulated and dirty.
My parents later explained me that they had seen him hang around me, as well as hang out with the other young woman, and they did not trust him. They didn’t want to take too much chances, but did not want to lock me up either. They hoped the curfew would ensure he could not just do as he pleases.

We spent a holday there the next summer. I was with y best female friend. Didn’t sleep at y parents’ caravan anymore. Our tent was at a total opposite area of the campsite. But we had to appear for breakfast and dinner each day at the caravan of my parents. So, I was 17. My best female friend was 18. The Dutch female friend of the same campsite also was there, as tent neighbour, also with a female friend of hers. And that Italian guy had his tent right underneath our camp terrace. Of course, I was the first thing he hoped to get back in his clutches. But I didn’t want to be a total fool anymore, so played more hard to get. He actually woke us up with some of his friends and got into my tent, but truly surprised i was wearing my jeans (I kinda suspected he might do such a trick). By the next night though he hit on the friend of my Dutch friend who went willingly along. And I ended up kissing a friend of his. (4 Italian boys and 4 teen girls). The boys left, but visited us again by next week. When he saw the pictures I had of him of the year before that he got all puffed about himself. Of the 4 pairs only he and the Dutch girl were a ‘couple’ again… but as they left with the promise to come and get us for a night out at a disco a few days later, he propositioned to me behind the Ditch girls’ back. I turned him down, saying that he was with a friend of mine, had made his choice, and I was not gonna stab her in the back. He then begged me not to tell her. I did tell her though as soon as he drove off in the car. He couldn’t come along to the disco, but we met the 3 other Italian boys, and ended up making 3 pairs. It turned out that I actually really liked his friend that I had kissed. He didn’t pressure me. He was into me, but at the same time allowed me to be a girl hanging out with her friends and have fun. ANd I had fun with him too.
I remember we all went to the beach together after that, and he was there as well… without the Dutch girl, and me in love with his best mate. He had absolute zilch. There is one picture that I think I will keep for the rest of my life. One of the girls took a picture of me on the beach. On the background you can see the Italian I had chosen over him, and the good Italian watching me with interest and a look of being in love. I didn’t know it at the time, but when I saw that picture after development I knew I had chosen the good guy for that holiday.

Strangely enough, whenever my mother asked me what kind of man I wanted in my life, I always replied that good Italian boy, even though I didn’t know him long. But even now, 20 years later, I’d give the same answer.

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